Phoenix84
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 17, 2011 21:42:35 GMT -5
Posts: 10,056
|
Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 10:31:37 GMT -5
Are you comfortable with people in general? I didn't read every post, but I have the idea that groups of people make you uncomfortable. If social skills are your main issue, I think you have gotten some really great advice, but it is very difficult to independently re-invent yourself. You probably need some coaches. Even if all the people at work are older (heck, like some of us here) do they ever go out after work for drinks or go to ball games or things like that? I would really urge you to go out with them to start being social in a non dating arena to get more comfortable with the social stuff. If you are starting hiking, join a group so you have some social interaction while you are doing it. The suggestions you got before were more about joining group activities that were interesting to you so that you could meet people with common interests. How well do you know yourself? What do you like to do in your free time? Napa wine tasting pic is great. Looks like it was a fun day. Do you live in an urban area or are you somewhere in suburbia where it is harder to meet people? Do you want to say what area you are in. You talk about the government job, so I assumed DC area, but I don't think that is where mid is and now you throw in left coast photos! Does that mean California? I've posted before that I live in the Denver area. But I get around.
Mid and I are from the same area. We graduated high schools a few towns away from each other. I saw her when I was visiting my folks for Christmas. I take a 2-3 vacations a year, and do a fair amount of travel all over the country for work. So I'm not bound by any means to my state.
No, the folks I work with don't usually go out for drinks or anything after hours. They'll go out to lunch once a month or so, and I'll usually join them for that, unless I have something important going on.
I've stated several times social situations in general are a bit awkward. I can usually do ok if I know people and am relaxed. But I absolutely suck at making small talk, which is a lot of what a first date is.
I agree it's a skill I can improve in.
As for free time, mostly just hang out at home and read and play games. But as I said previously, I've been focusing on trying to get out and do more in the past couple of years, and in particular I am trying to do more hiking and plan on starting martial arts classes here shortly.
|
|
Sunnyday
Well-Known Member
Joined: Aug 3, 2013 0:36:39 GMT -5
Posts: 1,425
|
Post by Sunnyday on Jun 6, 2014 10:37:59 GMT -5
"He definitely shouldn't grow out his hair though! Ew ew ew! " Agree 100%! I don't think he needs to change his looks or even clothing at all. Just needs to talk and therefore show his interest more. Not grow out his hair hippie length. Just grow it out so he can comb it. He looks like he has a military buzz. You want him to look approchable, right? But he definitely looks like an alpha male, very masculine, which is far from a bad thing. I do enjoy manly men, and I think that a lot of women do too. To PHoneix: I know that ultimately you want someone you can marry and have kids with. But given your little experience with women, could't try out some of the Ms. wrongs to gain confidence and have some fun. and then when Ms. Right comes along, you will have the skills to close the deal. Do you know what I mean?
|
|
Phoenix84
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 17, 2011 21:42:35 GMT -5
Posts: 10,056
|
Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 10:43:49 GMT -5
Pheonix, I'm asking the eye contact question because, I had a friend once, great friend. I guess he was interested and I didn't realize it, when he asked me out to dinner once I could tell his composure seemed different than a regular 'let's meet up', but it wasn't till he picked me up I realized it was. 'A date'. His whole demeanor was different then usual. He did not relax at all. He did not make eye contact at all. He was very much going from a script of what he obviously thought 'a date' should be. It was very uncomfortable. The eye contact thing was worst for me. You are tall it seems from the pictures? Well, it's one of those things that's hard to judge, since I can't see myself.
But in general, yes, I think I make eye contact, or at least look in the general area of the face of the person I'm talking to. I may not always look directly in the eye, but I don't talk at the floor or the wall or anything.
Hmmm, if you don't believe me, I guess I can post a couple more with my folks to give you some perspective.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:24:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 10:48:11 GMT -5
My mental images of what people look like on here are never remotely right. If I was 20 years younger...ok...10 would be close enough. LOL I don't like talking to people either. I'm just no good at it and it gets uncomfortable, so I know where you're coming from.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,091
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 6, 2014 10:54:42 GMT -5
As for free time, mostly just hang out at home and read
Try talking to women in the bookstore! I wouldn't stalk the aisles but if you see a woman in an area that you have interests in why not sidle up and chat about the books? No pressure, you aren't worrying if she's "the one" and you have an easy out if you get nervous. It'd be great practice.
I could talk about books till I am blue in the face. DH isn't a huge reader like I am but I got him hooked on my Star Wars X-wing novels and we've both read quite a bit of Stephen King. Right now I am trying to convince him to read Percy Jackson.
There are also female gamers out there you know, have you tried seeing if there are local gaming forums?
I'm not much of a gamer but I have learned to appreciate some of the games DH plays, they have great story lines and are visually spectacular. You won't see me playing with him but I know enough to hold a conversation with someone about it.
|
|
Phoenix84
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 17, 2011 21:42:35 GMT -5
Posts: 10,056
|
Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 10:56:07 GMT -5
Phoenix - you're a cute guy, so I don't think it's a "5 trying to land a 9" type of problem. I'm your age (28, almost 29), but I was never good at dating and DH was my only boyfriend. We worked together for 8 hours every day for more than a month before he asked me out. I think because it took me that long to come out of my shell - I'm not good at small talk either. I would start, like others have said, with a short coffee or other date that is less than an hour. And have something planned that you "need" to go do after an hour if conversation starts to lag, but can "cancel" if it is going well. Have some thoughts on different topics, but don't seem too forced! Don't read off of note cards or anything like that. Just a mental list - Compliment her on her outfit, ask about her work/does she enjoy it, how's your coffee?/this place is neat/do you see that guy over there singing along to the radio?/I love this song/etc. You're not talking rocket science on the first date. Generally I try not to "read" off of mental note cards. But I do try to identify a few topics of conversation before I go on a first date. Usually the topics I pick are about her, or something related to what interests hear. So, as an example of someone I talked to a couple of months ago, the topic was "what was it like growing up on a ranch?" Or some such.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:24:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 10:56:17 GMT -5
I totally suck at it. It's better when I am talking about subjects I'm confident in, but then I also have to attend to not monopolizing. I also struggle with effective listening. The ways I pay attention aren't the ways other people do and so if I don't make an effort, I can easily seem inattentive or disinterested.
|
|
Phoenix84
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 17, 2011 21:42:35 GMT -5
Posts: 10,056
|
Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 11:10:44 GMT -5
If you were 38, I'd say let the no mom thing go but you're young. The PLUS for you is you're not paying any child support! That's what I figured too. By the time I get into my mid to late 30's, probably about every woman looking to date will have had kids and/or been married. But that's not the case yet.
|
|
Phoenix84
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 17, 2011 21:42:35 GMT -5
Posts: 10,056
|
Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 11:15:49 GMT -5
I didn't read the whole thread, and I might be totally off base here, as I don't have the emotional investment in posters like so many of you do. However, whether I have the right poster or not, when I see phoenix, I think arrogant ass. My apologies to you Phoenix, if I have the wrong guy. LOL, well, at least you're honest. Come on Iaralei, tell us what you really think. Sometimes brutal honesty is the best medicine in situations like this.
I can't say if you have the wrong guy or not. There has been at least one other person who has posted under my name, who has since changed it.
But no one has been posting under the name phoenix as long as I have so *shrugs* it could very well be me. I think there have been a few times here where I have not projected my "best self." But I think that's true for just about anyone. I can see how certain posters might not have the best opinion of me, especially infrequent posters.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 11:23:49 GMT -5
Do you like redheads?
|
|
Phoenix84
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 17, 2011 21:42:35 GMT -5
Posts: 10,056
|
Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 11:25:58 GMT -5
I don't have extremely specific physical attribute requirements. Height, hair color, ect doesn't bother me.
Weight *shrugs* I prefer someone who takes care of themselves, but I'm not looking for perfection. So as long as they're not morbidly obese I'm good.
|
|
Phoenix84
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 17, 2011 21:42:35 GMT -5
Posts: 10,056
|
Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 11:28:19 GMT -5
At the risk of trying to change you and incurring the wrath of Lena....you have the type of build that looks pretty good in a fitted button up shirt with stripes/plaid and the sleeves rolled up. It gives a more relaxed vibe than polos. Just saying It's interesting you say that. When I was home for Christmas my mom took me shopping and basically made me buy a shirt like that. I plan on wearing it with jeans on my next date. I will wear it untucked with the sleeves rolled up. We'll see how it goes, but the last actual date I went on was in November with a girl from eastern Europe.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 11:28:29 GMT -5
I know someone perfect for you. She used to live in the Denver area but since moved to Detroit area for a job. I'm seeing her Monday. She's the daughter of my cousin from Coral Gables. PM me how she can find you on your dating website.
|
|
beergut
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2011 13:58:39 GMT -5
Posts: 2,184
|
Post by beergut on Jun 6, 2014 11:29:48 GMT -5
Phoenix, As a heterosexual male completely secure in his sexuality and his masculinity, I can assure you that looks are definitely not the problem. You're a good-looking guy, dude. So, the issues here seem to be confidence and comfort communicating, i.e. talking. I'm going to reiterate my suggestion of learning to dance or, if you already know how, going to places and asking plenty of women to dance. You say you're uncomfortable making small talk. Well, if you can dance, some women are going to ignore your struggles in that area and keep talking to you. Also, simply being able to dance is something that will give you confidence. As I've suggested before and others have chimed in, you need to work on simply making friends. Is there a coffee shop near you? Start making yourself go there once a week, at least, and reading a book or having coffee. I know spending money on pricey coffee on a weekly basis isn't YM-approved, but we're talking for a good cause here. Doing this weekly will allow you to become a regular. You want to be a regular so you can be comfortable talking to the barristas, and then other customers. This is your practice for small talk. It can be something simple, like asking a cashier, "How is your morning going?" If you start to notice other regulars in the shop, go up to one and start a conversation. Something as simple as, "I notice you come here all the time, and the last few times, you've been reading the same book. What do you think of that book/author? Have you read any more of their work?" You mentioned you like to play games. If they have board games at the shop, ask someone else if they'll play you, or teach you how to play. If a group is playing a game, ask if you can join. YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A DATE HERE. You are simply talking to people, and getting comfortable communicating. You need to worry less about finding a mate, and just work on improving your communication skills, and making friends. If you make some female friends, they might not be Ms. Right, but at least you'll have someone to go out and have some fun with. Better yet, at some point, they might help you meet Ms. Right. Once you start making friends and improve your communication skills, trust me, the dating part will take care of itself. Is there a particular reason you're taking karate? I actually encourage this, because I think some type of physical activity is good for you. Continuous physical activity not only gets you in shape, but also helps your self-confidence. I'm in the gym four times a week, and part of my self-confidence is tied to that. Physically, I know I workout enough to look good, so I always feel good about my looks. That positive feeling comes out in self-confidence. I think karate is going to help you in that area. It will also give you a great conversation starter. "So, I'm taking this karate class, and I'm a beginner, so I'm just hoping not to look too ridiculous out there. Kinda hard to look masculine and cool while I'm doing a strictly choreographed dance in what is really white pajamas, you know? But I'm there, and I'm working it, I'm getting my chi together. I can feel it flowing. Daniel LaRusso, crane kick, he has nothing on me. I'm smooooooth, I'm dominating the dojo. Then I take a second step inside the door, trip on the door frame, and fall on my face. Cover totally blown." Women like to laugh. Laughter causes endorphins, which make people feel good. So, people associate people who make them laugh with feeling good, and want to be around people who make them feel good all the time. I can generally make people laugh because I'm self-deprecating. If you're not comfortable laughing at yourself yet, find another way to make people laugh. Watch some comedians on television or youtube, and remember a funny part of their routine. You can use this for practicing small talk. "So I saw this funny skit by Robin Williams (or Chris Rock or George Carlin or whoever) where he talks about....." and go from there. Or google some jokes online, memorize them, and tell them to people you talk to. The most important thing you need to do is talk. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert, but you will need to step outside your comfort zone in order to meet people.
|
|
movingforward
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 15, 2011 12:48:31 GMT -5
Posts: 8,385
|
Post by movingforward on Jun 6, 2014 11:29:51 GMT -5
You really do need to take the pressure off yourself and just make some female friends (I think someone else said this too). Make some male friends too while you're at it... just make some friends. People you like hanging out with. The rest will fall into place. I am dating someone now I never thought I would. We have been friends for 3 yrs. I never saw us together in that way but it just sort of happened. It was actually really nice because he already knows I am a weirdo . He knows I need alone time, will go off to Europe with my BFF (he is not invited - ha), I don't want to get married or have kids, pretty into my career. Yep, to most men I am a total weirdo... I like my independence and finding someone that accepts me the way I am is difficult. He is not someone I saw myself with but we became friends and eventually we clicked in other ways. We laugh a lot! So go out just have fun and laugh. Stop pressuring yourself to find "the one."
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 11:30:11 GMT -5
Now I have to figure out how I don't creep her out by telling her its some guy on a message board.
|
|
beergut
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2011 13:58:39 GMT -5
Posts: 2,184
|
Post by beergut on Jun 6, 2014 11:36:03 GMT -5
As for free time, mostly just hang out at home and read Try talking to women in the bookstore! I wouldn't stalk the aisles but if you see a woman in an area that you have interests in why not sidle up and chat about the books? No pressure, you aren't worrying if she's "the one" and you have an easy out if you get nervous. It'd be great practice. I could talk about books till I am blue in the face. DH isn't a huge reader like I am but I got him hooked on my Star Wars X-wing novels and we've both read quite a bit of Stephen King. Right now I am trying to convince him to read Percy Jackson. There are also female gamers out there you know, have you tried seeing if there are local gaming forums? I'm not much of a gamer but I have learned to appreciate some of the games DH plays, they have great story lines and are visually spectacular. You won't see me playing with him but I know enough to hold a conversation with someone about it. I'm smacking myself for not thinking of this sooner. He should look into joining a book club. It combines reading and socializing, and will put him out there with a group of people.
|
|
movingforward
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 15, 2011 12:48:31 GMT -5
Posts: 8,385
|
Post by movingforward on Jun 6, 2014 11:38:12 GMT -5
As for free time, mostly just hang out at home and read Try talking to women in the bookstore! I wouldn't stalk the aisles but if you see a woman in an area that you have interests in why not sidle up and chat about the books? No pressure, you aren't worrying if she's "the one" and you have an easy out if you get nervous. It'd be great practice. I could talk about books till I am blue in the face. DH isn't a huge reader like I am but I got him hooked on my Star Wars X-wing novels and we've both read quite a bit of Stephen King. Right now I am trying to convince him to read Percy Jackson. There are also female gamers out there you know, have you tried seeing if there are local gaming forums? I'm not much of a gamer but I have learned to appreciate some of the games DH plays, they have great story lines and are visually spectacular. You won't see me playing with him but I know enough to hold a conversation with someone about it. I'm smacking myself for not thinking of this sooner. He should look into joining a book club. It combines reading and socializing, and will put him out there with a group of people. Great idea!! Also, book clubs are mainly women.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,619
|
Post by swamp on Jun 6, 2014 11:41:41 GMT -5
Looks aren't the problem.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:24:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 11:44:13 GMT -5
"He definitely shouldn't grow out his hair though! Ew ew ew! " Agree 100%! I don't think he needs to change his looks or even clothing at all. Just needs to talk and therefore show his interest more. Not grow out his hair hippie length. Just grow it out so he can comb it. He looks like he has a military buzz. You want him to look approchable, right? But he definitely looks like an alpha male, very masculine, which is far from a bad thing. I do enjoy manly men, and I think that a lot of women do too. To PHoneix: I know that ultimately you want someone you can marry and have kids with. But given your little experience with women, could't try out some of the Ms. wrongs to gain confidence and have some fun. and then when Ms. Right comes along, you will have the skills to close the deal. Do you know what I mean? I disagree with everyone on the hair....the clean cut military look is one the things I look for - I hate longer hair and facial hair. so again, it comes down to personal preference. If I were 20 years younger, he would be just my type.
|
|
Green Eyed Lady
Senior Associate
Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
Joined: Jan 23, 2012 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 19,629
|
Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 6, 2014 11:47:20 GMT -5
Phoenix? What authors do you like? What genre? What are you currently reading?
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 11:47:57 GMT -5
I like his hair, too. It's not looks, it's personality, I'm sure. He isn't comfortable talking to strangers. All dates are strangers. That he is going to have to work on, the rest will manage itself.
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 11:50:24 GMT -5
I would start the martial arts classes sooner rather than later. YOu'll get to meet people and maybe someone has a sister or a friend of a girlfriend who they want you to meet! Just put yourself out there socially and find some fun for yourself. Someone who is comfortable with themselves and doing things they enjoy is very attractive to others.
And your looks are definitely not a problem! After you've been going for a couple of weeks and started progressing to the "hey! what's up stage" when you walk in suggest a group go get a beer after class one night. Seriously- the absolute worst thing that's going to happen is they will say "can't tonight, maybe another night". Oh well- nothing ventured, nothing gained.
FWIW- I met two of my long term boyfriends in Tae Kwon Do when I was in high school/college. One I went to Jr and Sr. prom with and dated for over a year before we broke up. He is the only boyfriend I have fond memories of but I'm an independent chick and he said I shouldn't cut my hair before prom so I went to prom with him on Saturday, chopped my hair off on Sunday and promptly dumped him. He did have the grace to say the shorter haircut did look good on me . Then I stated dating another guy from the same studio. We were actually briefly married (and another guy from there was best man at our wedding)
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Jun 6, 2014 11:50:30 GMT -5
So, I think I may have just stumbled across a trick that might help out. This thread made me go on my main dating site (the other two are more for entertainment) and change up my photos. I deleted some that were getting to be a year plus old (even though I don't look any different) and added some new ones and changed my profile pic. Holy batman did my page blow up! In the past hour I've gotten 100 page views because the new photos go on an "update" feed they have and probably changes the order I come up in a search. I've also gotten 7 messages...though half are in the wayyy to old category.
So rotating pictures around might get you more visible to others, being a girl I'm not sure how it'd work for a guy.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:24:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 11:53:44 GMT -5
I'm agreeing with all those before me who said focus on friends of both sexes. There are probably lots of girls out there who would like to be your "one" and lots that could be your "one". Just expand your exposure. I think your list of requirements will edit themselves as you interact with more people and I think they should. I think I have said this before and I will say it again. Get a dog and get a passion. Not to attract girls but to get you out there meeting people. Walking, vet, groomer, obedience classes not to mention a living being to love and love you back right now. Just a thought some girls don't like dogs so maybe not a good one but makes sense to me. Whatever you do, get out there now. I think it only gets harder as an introvert to make friends as you age. My DH and I are both kind of loners with just a few close friends. We have to force each other into social functions. We take turns doing that and 99% of the time we are happy we did. It's easy to just stay home, but don't do it.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 11:54:22 GMT -5
I met several nice guys, most of them married but with single friends, on a coed softball league. DS got his great job at COKE playing on a coed volleyball team. Plus, made a lot of nice friends. Male and female. He's pretty introverted but they have a beer afterwards which makes him relax a bit and he opens up better then.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 11:54:58 GMT -5
Oops not volleyball, kickball but its the same idea. Join a coed league.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 11:56:11 GMT -5
True, I'm not a dog person and wouldn't be happy with someone who was. If he doesn't like kids, a dog is a permanent kid.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:24:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 11:57:59 GMT -5
"Get a dog and get a passion."
No, please don't do this just to get a girlfriend. This is exactly how dogs end up homeless. Getting one without thinking it through and for a stupid reason. What will happen when he gets a girlfriend? He will the dog! I don't think he is a dog-type person anyway, maybe a cat.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:24:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 12:03:15 GMT -5
I'm not saying to just get a girl. Maybe a cat would be better but I think he needs some love and affection. I think he needs to give some too. Dogs just get you out there in the public more than cats do which is why I thought a dog would be better.
|
|