mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 6, 2014 10:23:49 GMT -5
thanks nutty.. your situation is a bit different though, just because it took you by surprise. in our case, it's been 'friends only' for so long, that there's really no reason not to keep things the way they are. i really think that will be best for our son.. and to me, that's more important than anything else.
for you, though, i think that moving out will probably be better. it's going to be a tough adjustment, but you will heal quicker if he's not in your face all the time.
Sounds to me like you're making the logical decision, moonbeam. If you've been living as friends there's really no reason you can't continue to do so without being tied together by a marriage contract and without your decision affecting your son in a negative way. Sometimes, a cool head is the best approach. It sounds like yours is one of the cases where that's true. I hope it works out for all of you.
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Jun 6, 2014 14:02:16 GMT -5
I am still friends with most of my exs. We don't hang out all the time but I do chat on the phone with a few of them about once a month or so. I don't speak with my ex that I was with for 13 years because the man I met after him asked that I stop all contact if he moved in with me. The new one didn't work out but we remained very close friends but it just seemed awkward to try to contact my ex again after 7 years apart.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 7, 2014 19:07:34 GMT -5
I've never been married but I have had two relationships that lasted over 15 years. The first one was full of drama and I believed I would never, ever get over him. Well, I did. I knew it when about 7 or 8 years after it ended, I ran in to him in a grocery store and felt nothing--no anger, no desire, nothing. Last time I've really thought about him. No more feelings for him at all.
Second man and I are good friends. Sometimes we have to work at keeping it a friendship and not letting it get sexual. I will say he was a great comfort to me emotionally when my mother died in May. He knows me well and knew what to say and what not to say so he wouldn't push any of my buttons. He also knew my parents really liked him. I still have feelings for him but we live in two different states, about a 15 hour drive away.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 7:01:29 GMT -5
I truly loved my ex, but I now wonder if I overlooked a lot of red flags because my biological clock was ticking. I think not making the best decision due to the ticking clock is probably pretty common. I definitely did that. Marriage ended in flames but DS is a great joy (and so are DDIL and their new baby girl). My first BF was unusually mature for a HS senior (I was 16). It was the late 1970s and he'd read Masters and Johnson and, ummm, knew how to apply it. When I was reading the obituaries from my home town paper a few years ago I noted one for his mother and it mentioned that he had predeceased her; I found his brother on LinkedIn and we exchanged a few e-mails and I told him I had very good memories of his late brother (no details). His early death (cancer) was a big loss. He was a nice guy. I also would have liked to gently poke fun at his reaction when I'd told him at age 20 that I was going to go to Europe someday. He said, "Go back to sleep and dream again". It was the early 1970s and the middle of Ohio and travel to Europe was just beyond his imagining. I've lost count of the number of times I've been there now. I like using his first name as the "name of first boyfriend" security question. I always remember him with a smile.
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morrisr2d2
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Post by morrisr2d2 on Jun 8, 2014 8:09:20 GMT -5
I view each person I've dated as a chapter in my life, and I've learned something about myself from all of them. The only ex I am nostalgic for is a girl I dated in college for over a year. It was very intense, to say the least. However, as I neared graduation I saw my whole life ahead of me, and she started throwing that love word around. I was too immature to handle that and wasn't ready to settle, so I headed for hills and crushed her heart. I was basically an ass.
5 years later I came out of the closet, romped with a few guys, then settled down with my current partner. I still find it interesting I am nostalgic for my college ex, and have fond memories. And no, I didn't break up with her because deep down I thought I was gay (I wasn't even aware then), it was definitely a maturity issue on my part.
I guess sexuality isn't as black and white as everyone says. I wonder what would have happened if I had settled down with her? Would we have eventually divorced because I would have came out later? Who knows, but I still have great memories of her.
She friended me on FB a few years ago - I was first hesitant to accept because of what she might think. "How can he be gay after all the great times we had?" But I did, found out she is happly married with two kids and we exchanged pleasant emails and wished each other well. Haven't talked since, but I see her pics on FB.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 16:58:38 GMT -5
I'm FB friends with my HS boyfriend in Denver, and friends with my college boyfriend (and his wife) in NY. My college boyfriend and his family stayed here for a few days several summers ago. His college roommate has been one of my best friends for over 35 years, so every time I'm in NY, we all get together. His dad still lives a mile from my sister, so we have always gotten together every time I'm in NY. (My parents are long gone but I have always stayed with my sister when I'm in NY.)
I feel the same way about my ex as Joss ... some fond memories of the dad of my 3 oldest kids, but indifference about the man who left me for an older model when said kids were 6, 4 and 1 mo old.
I feel sad for my kids though, because although it's been over 20 years, my ex has always refused to speak to me unless absolutely necessary, even though HE had a mistress and left me for her (and later married her). She "won't let him" have anything to do with me, so when our sons were bar-mitzvahed, he lied and told her that he had a breakfast meeting for work so he could go to the temple service. (He didn't tell me that, my kids did.) I worry about our kids' eventual weddings because of his wife's hatred towards me, even though he left ME for HER. I got over it many moons ago (I won't lie, it was hard). But I just don't get it. My eldest son once asked him, what's going to happen if I get married one day? My ex thought about it for a minute, and said, "You'll have two weddings!" Yeah, that makes sense. This is something I've been thinking about (and have been troubled about) lately because my ex MIL is not doing well. I can't imagine not attending her funeral, but I also can't imagine potentially creating havoc at a time when the family needs peace.
DH and I did a "whoo hoo" every time one of our (technically my) kids turned 18 because it meant fewer hoops to jump through, from US passport applications (which require both bio parents' signatures) to permission for surgery (ditto). THANK GD my ex was never difficult about those things. But sometimes he wasn't available, good thing that DS2 has a nearly identical signature to his Dad's. ;-)
To be honest, I still have a fair amount of bitterness against my ex. NOT because of the demise of our relationship, but because he always had a close relationship with the two boys but he refused to have anything to do with DD (the 1-mo old when he left) until she was 19 and her eldest brother railroaded him into it.
Obviously living that situation didn't do any of us any good, least of all DD.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Jun 8, 2014 19:42:47 GMT -5
I feel sorry for you daughter. It would have been one thing if your ex ignored all of your children equally, but to single one out. Shakes my head.
If I was your daughter, I would spit in his face. And if I was one of your sons, I wouldn't even see him in solidarity with my sister.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 19:47:30 GMT -5
Rainyday, I agree with you. But it's really not that easy. All through adolescence, the boys would advocate for their sister. But he was their dad, and it's not easy for teens or even young adults to issue ultimatums and risk breaking that relationship with a parent
If it's any comfort, one day the eldest (the humanitarian aid worker) literally locked his dad into his office and wouldn't let him out until he promised to see DD.
That's actually why / how my ex finally started seeing her. He and DD had and still have a wonkly / unsatisfactory relationship, and my guess is they always will. But:
a) it's still better than nothing (ie as you rightly point out, being "singled out" for exclusion was by far the hardest part for DD (and for us) b) my ex is filthy rich so at least now he occasionally buys DD some things we / she can't afford. Certainly out of guilt, but that's OK.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Jun 8, 2014 20:01:31 GMT -5
I hope to the heavens above, and I mean this with all the sincerity possible, that your love and your current husband's love were enough to make up for your ex's cowardliness. I hope she sees him as what he is and not take his disinterest as a statement about her. I hope so.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 20:39:17 GMT -5
You can never really "make up" for the disinterest of a parent, especially when his interest in your siblings is so apparent and "in your face". But, DH has certainly done a ton for her, and he continues to do so. DD is doing fine now, thank Gd.
Thanks Rainy. It's a difficult subject for me.
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jun 8, 2014 21:10:22 GMT -5
I have had two former BFs who contacted me even though I tried to be scarce. I know one was wanting to make up for a life altering wrong.
The answer was no. I am a married woman and don't bother me.
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