genericname
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Post by genericname on Jun 5, 2014 9:40:16 GMT -5
On the contrary, the widow is a nurse and has a crazy need to nurture, which is why I suspect she married him. He was the ultimate in victim mentality, which when you boil it down is the main reason we divorced. She was great at being the martyr who sacrificed her life for him. They were twistedly co-dependent. His cancer just made the co-dependence painfully obvious to his family.
Edited to add: I did feel, not glad, but relieved that I didn't have to deal with the illness. That was one reason I felt bad for not attending the funeral.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 5, 2014 10:01:15 GMT -5
I call it waiting on karma to catch up But, I'm civil to him and mostly don't care what he does but having to interact with him because of DS occasionally brings out the "where's the bus" question when I have to listen to him talk and blame the whole world, but never himself for his problems. And at that point, I don't really care who the bus hits as long as I don't have to listen anymore.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 10:46:44 GMT -5
DH is my first and only love. Come on Lone, you and I are supposed to be the non-sappy beoytches on the board! LOL!!! My bad.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 5, 2014 11:31:55 GMT -5
(Sitting wondering if I am the only one on this board who has ex-lovers who are the fortunate ones to be rid of the relationship. )
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Jun 5, 2014 11:48:34 GMT -5
DH is my first and only love. i don't think i believe in love anymore. maybe i never did, as most of my former relationships have disappeared from my memory.
i'm married now, for 18 yrs this september. but for over a decade, i've wanted out. it's not that he's not a good person or a good husband. he is. and he's a great dad. but i just don't feel anything for him other than friendship, and our marriage has been that of roommates forever.
i told him about 7 yrs ago that i wanted to divorce, but wasn't in a position to do so. i'm still not, but i'm going to do it anyway. i told him last week. the main reason i stalled was debt and our son. but i've decided that it would work for us to continue to live in the same house - just legally divorced - until such a time when our son (almost 12) is grown, or the debt is gone.
i don't see myself ever marrying again.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 5, 2014 11:54:23 GMT -5
DH is my first and only love. i don't think i believe in love anymore. maybe i never did, as most of my former relationships have disappeared from my memory.
i'm married now, for 18 yrs this september. but for over a decade, i've wanted out. it's not that he's not a good person or a good husband. he is. and he's a great dad. but i just don't feel anything for him other than friendship, and our marriage has been that of roommates forever.
i told him about 7 yrs ago that i wanted to divorce, but wasn't in a position to do so. i'm still not, but i'm going to do it anyway. i told him last week. the main reason i stalled was debt and our son. but i've decided that it would work for us to continue to live in the same house - just legally divorced - until such a time when our son (almost 12) is grown, or the debt is gone.
i don't see myself ever marrying again. Aw, Moonbeam. It's good that you exhibit both clarity and common sense about the situation. People will judge, call you crazy for staying. I'm not one of them. A friend of mine did something similar. His marriage was all but over after 7 years, but he stayed in it for five more, because he could not bear being out of his children's lives. He told me he would have continued staying there and co-parenting, but his now XW cheated on him and left to be with someone else (the someone else dumped her when she arrived at his doorstep). I asked him if he was ever sorry about the decision to stay, even after his wife made it clear she wasn't interested in him or the marriage. He said no, he loved his children more than his potential freedom.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 12:05:58 GMT -5
i'm married now, for 18 yrs this september. but for over a decade, i've wanted out. it's not that he's not a good person or a good husband. he is. and he's a great dad. but i just don't feel anything for him other than friendship, and our marriage has been that of roommates forever. That is sad. Did you ever have feelings more than friendship or did they just fade over time? Now that I am starting to date again I am really debating on if I want to be married again. It seems like it is so hard to maintain the relationship over a long period of time. My parents have been married 40 years now & I watch them & I think they kind of hate each other. I'm sure there is still love, but they have each changed a lot in the last decade or so & are just very different people & drive each other nuts (and I get to hear about it). I don't see them divorcing, but they just don't seem happy together either & it makes me sad.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Jun 5, 2014 12:11:16 GMT -5
I honestly think i never *truly* loved him to begin with. i was 29, and the biological clock was ticking. i knew he was a great dad to my stepkids (part of what initially attracted me), but we've always been such different people that i shouldn't have done it just so i could have a family. i also think i fooled myself into thinking the feelings would grow over time. it's not his fault.. it's me that's deficient.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 5, 2014 12:22:52 GMT -5
I honestly think i never *truly* loved him to begin with. i was 29, and the biological clock was ticking. i knew he was a great dad to my stepkids (part of what initially attracted me), but we've always been such different people that i shouldn't have done it just so i could have a family. i also think i fooled myself into thinking the feelings would grow over time. it's not his fault.. it's me that's deficient.
Not deficient. You're both probably very good people. Just not very good for each other. My folks were the same way. Together until death did them part, but it was, for the most part, a bad marriage between two very decent people.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 12:57:52 GMT -5
I honestly think i never *truly* loved him to begin with. i was 29, and the biological clock was ticking. i knew he was a great dad to my stepkids (part of what initially attracted me), but we've always been such different people that i shouldn't have done it just so i could have a family. i also think i fooled myself into thinking the feelings would grow over time. it's not his fault.. it's me that's deficient.
I truly loved my ex, but I now wonder if I overlooked a lot of red flags because my biological clock was ticking. I think not making the best decision due to the ticking clock is probably pretty common.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Jun 5, 2014 12:58:16 GMT -5
wow, you guys are really not sentimental at all!!! How can you spend a year or years with people? share your heart, your bed, and be completely indifferent? If you are really over someone one, indifference is the only thing left. Otherwise there are still feelings- love, regret, anger, guilt whatever but you feel something. It's when you feel nothing that you are over them.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 5, 2014 13:25:07 GMT -5
My wife makes me a little nervous at times with the extreme hatred she voices for her ex-husband. The distance between love and hate is much shorter than that between either and indifference.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 5, 2014 13:32:35 GMT -5
I wouldn't let it worry you that much. I love DF but there are times when enough bad things couldn't happen to my ex to make me happy. People are human.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Jun 5, 2014 14:10:15 GMT -5
No, i really do think i'm deficient. in basically every other relationship i've had, it's been ME who cared more.. i was always 'not good enough' for the guys to want anything serious.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 5, 2014 14:53:39 GMT -5
Moon I am sorry to hear this, I absolutely do not fault ANYONE for doing anything that works for them. As you know I asked H a few weeks ago if we could stay in the house together for about 6 more months, WELLLLLLLL that lasted about 2 weeks for me. I couldn't do it. I needed to move on for my own sanity. Whether that is good or bad for me in the long run remains to be seen.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 14:57:31 GMT -5
No, i really do think i'm deficient. in basically every other relationship i've had, it's been ME who cared more.. i was always 'not good enough' for the guys to want anything serious. You're not deficient Don't think that.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Jun 5, 2014 14:59:08 GMT -5
thanks nutty.. your situation is a bit different though, just because it took you by surprise. in our case, it's been 'friends only' for so long, that there's really no reason not to keep things the way they are. i really think that will be best for our son.. and to me, that's more important than anything else.
for you, though, i think that moving out will probably be better. it's going to be a tough adjustment, but you will heal quicker if he's not in your face all the time.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 5, 2014 14:59:33 GMT -5
We're all deficient in some ways. Wise people search for a mate that complements their deficiencies.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Jun 5, 2014 17:05:27 GMT -5
wow, you guys are really not sentimental at all!!! How can you spend a year or years with people? share your heart, your bed, and be completely indifferent? If you are really over someone one, indifference is the only thing left. Otherwise there are still feelings- love, regret, anger, guilt whatever but you feel something. It's when you feel nothing that you are over them. How about friendship? affection and even love without any burning romantic love or sexual desire??? love can come in many forms. you can feel things and not still be hung up, IMO.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 18:27:31 GMT -5
What do you feel about first loves, ex-wives, ex-husbands NOW after all the drama has ended and time has hopefully healed all wounds? DH has been my only boyfriend, but I did have a years long unrequited crush in high school. I think the dominant emotion has faded from aggravation to annoyance. I really liked the guy, he was excellent in so many ways; cheerful, honest, hardworking, smart, handsome in my eyes. But it a bad match up. He was also deeply religious, extremely traditional, off the scales extroverted, 4 inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter. I didn't have a problem with size, shorties are awesome, I think they tend to work harder at skills, but I'm 98%+ sure he would have viewed it as a no go for that reason alone. I was very frustrated with myself that I liked him so much, despite repeatedly calculating that it was a lost cause. He got a long distance girlfriend senior year, and I still liked him, despite my logic and honor codes making approaches to him completely outside the realm of possibility at that point. I won't take someone in a relationship. If they are willing to be taken, they they can be taken from me. I like loyalty, so won't try. It was so frustrating to like him still though, even with that layer heaped on. I helped him make a valentine's card for his girlfriend, because I was really good with 3D studio max and we were in the same class. Then privately banged my head a bit. I would not curse someone with that sort of weirdness. I burnt so much energy thinking about what to say to him. It was a relief to graduate and finally separate in proximity. So I think I still respect him a lot, but my dominant emotion is rueful annoyance.
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on Jun 5, 2014 18:48:08 GMT -5
It is beginning to look like I am the only romantic here, and I know my wife would say I am lieing..... You people are being way too honest here.
Time to lock this thread down before someone gets hurt!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 19:15:40 GMT -5
It is beginning to look like I am the only romantic here, and I know my wife would say I am lieing..... You people are being way too honest here.
Time to lock this thread down before someone gets hurt! Lol, I like to think that I'm romantic in my own way. I love DH bunches, am deeply attracted to him, fuss over him and have fun hanging out with him or doing projects together. I'd take a bullet for him and trust him completely with my finances or with my back during a zombie-pocalypse type situation. There are only 5 people in the world I would say that about; 2 are my sisters, 2 are my parents. I guess my definition of true love/romance, is along the lines of if someone shows up covered in blood saying they need to hide and there's a been a terrible mistake, they're being framed, I would trust them completely that it is a horrible misunderstanding, and try to help. I'm deeply cautious and lawful by nature. Like I said, there's only 5 people in the world I would say that about and DH is one after knowing him so long. Not typical romance, but deep feeling nonetheless. It is true though, that once DH was asked if I was romantic while we were eating together, and he kind of choked and just started laughing
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 5, 2014 19:21:58 GMT -5
Well, I feel GRATEFUL that I'm one of the few women who slept with him that he didnt give herpes to so there's that feeling. Is that what you're looking for?
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 5, 2014 20:32:00 GMT -5
Rainyday, if I spent my time dwelling on the past on what "could" have been, or the fact that *once* I loved and was loved by the man that divorced me, I would be wasting my time in the present day. Sure, if I dig deep enough, I can still find the burning anger that I felt at one time, but to what purpose ? It means nothing !
I know that my first husband has some good qualities in there somewhere, but it's not my job to bring him into the light and make him a "good" or "nice" person. That's up to him.
I don't wish him ill, but my life is with my second husband, my daughter, and our future, not worrying about some shit that occurred 20 or 30 years ago. Besides, once thoroughly burned, I don't believe in giving people like that more chances to hurt me. I took him back once when we were separated, he was out the door again with further recriminations after only 2.5 months, and that's that. He gave me the answer on the fate of our relationship. I have too much self-respect to chase after someone who has no interest in being with me or loving me. I'm nobody's little whipping girl or servant.
I'm much more emotionally healthy now since I've grown older, gotten counseling, and found true love. So, I save my romanticism for my present husband, not the past.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Jun 5, 2014 21:04:13 GMT -5
By all means, you should save your romantic feelings for your current partner.
I just don't see how feeling something is dwelling.
I was thinking about my maybe or maybe not upcoming trip to Paris.
And I was thinking about what it would be nice to see again, and my mind took a mental walk through some of my old haunts. My mind's eye stopped at a toy store off the Seine. It was 2 in the morning, and my then boyfriend was holding my hand and we stared at the little, handpainted toy soldiers. It was just a whimsical out there conversation about history and our stories about their imagined lives. I remember that the it was spring, and it was getting warm. I remember feeling safe and loved when oyherwise I was feeling so so overwhelmed with my own craziness.
My mind stayed there for 3 seconds before I was thinking about something else. But that feeling of being loved and safe lingered for a little longer.
I don't dwell or hold a flame for anyone. I just recognize the contribution that old loves have made to my life and I think of most of them with great affection.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 5, 2014 22:30:58 GMT -5
I dated a couple guys before dh, but nothing serious and I have been with dh since I was 17. I cannot wrap my brain around how *I* became the woman who went from her father's home to her husbands home, but it is what it is. Dh and I are friends with all of our ex's-including the ex we have in common. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 23:08:28 GMT -5
DH is my first and only love. i don't think i believe in love anymore. maybe i never did, as most of my former relationships have disappeared from my memory.
i'm married now, for 18 yrs this september. but for over a decade, i've wanted out. it's not that he's not a good person or a good husband. he is. and he's a great dad. but i just don't feel anything for him other than friendship, and our marriage has been that of roommates forever.
i told him about 7 yrs ago that i wanted to divorce, but wasn't in a position to do so. i'm still not, but i'm going to do it anyway. i told him last week. the main reason i stalled was debt and our son. but i've decided that it would work for us to continue to live in the same house - just legally divorced - until such a time when our son (almost 12) is grown, or the debt is gone.
i don't see myself ever marrying again. I think that after so many years of being married the relationship loses a lot of the lust and tequila and is replaced with something even better, friendship, comfort, and someone to share the rest of your life with.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Jun 6, 2014 10:00:28 GMT -5
but you should still desire to be intimate with that person, and there is no interest there on my part. i'm too young to go without sex the rest of my life.. sorry.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 6, 2014 10:04:21 GMT -5
Whenever I hear the song "I've got my mind set on you" by George Harrison, it makes me happy. My first love used to sing it to me.
It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, or I want to be with the first love, it just reminds me of a happy time in my life.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jun 6, 2014 10:17:31 GMT -5
Whenever I hear the song "I've got my mind set on you" by George Harrison, it makes me happy. My first love used to sing it to me.
It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, or I want to be with the first love, it just reminds me of a happy time in my life. I love that song! I'm instantly in a good mood when I hear that song. Even the James Ray original is brilliant; just a great song. I have similar feelings about "Head Over Heels" by Tears for Fears. It reminds me of dancing around the apartment of the first guy I ever liked enough to want a serious relationship. He helped me realize what I wanted and I met hubs the following year. I was heart broken when things with this guy ended, but now I'm grateful for the experience.
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