First loves, ex-spouses..what do you feel now?

[JustLurkin]

When I look back at relationships, I miss the person(s) I mistook them to be--but not who they actually are. I think being able to see the difference means I'm a grown-up.

They've almost all had a "second chance"...and it ended the same as the first go 'round every.single.time.

My "first love" came to my home about a year ago, first time in a decade I'd seen him. I don't even know what he wanted, I saw him as I was getting out of my car, looked him straight in the eye, simply said "no", and went into my home and closed the door.  It's funny, because all those years I always expected he'd come over one day and apologize.  What gets me the most is he was here with his cousin.  Seriously?  Having a companion when you go to a females house and you're 14--ok, 40--eck!

[Deleted]

Jun 3, 2014 19:09:32 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

wow, you guys are really not sentimental at all!!!  How can you spend a year or years with people? share your heart, your bed, and be completely indifferent?

Because life goes on. I don't refer to my ex-husband as "my" anything IRL, I call him by his name or he's my children's father. He's "my ex-husband" on here for the sake of clarity. Yesterday was 23 years since we got married. That seems like a lifetime ago. He's not even on my radar unless my children bring him up. Well, I did text him a picture of our new granddaughter when she was born a month ago. No words, just a picture. DD can't text pictures and I'd sent it to his Mom because she was keeping my grandson while I was at the hospital with DD, then thought it might seem rude to send it to her and leave him out since he knew DD was in labor. I'm not completely evil lol.

The only other person I loved and dated for any substantial amount of time is the one I mentioned that will always be special to me. Even the guy that ended up being one of my best friends and still is, we only actually dated a few months. I obviously liked something about them if I dated them but I didn't share my heart with everyone I dated, so maybe there just wasn't much to miss and feel sentimental about when we went our seperate ways.

[Deleted]

Jun 3, 2014 20:42:49 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

I will always have a soft spot for the father of my children and I wish him all the best.  The guy I ended up divorcing on the other hand can go jump in the lake (or not - up to him) for all I care. 

That's a healthy way to look at it. I still tell DS stories about his father when he (DS) was little. There are a lot of happy/ funny ones.

[Deleted]

Sentimental sap here.

[justme]

I'm usually more on the sentimental side. Though I was cleaning through my closet tonight and decided to chuck the hoodie from an ex. I've kept other clothes though. It was all beat up so I'd never wear it, and honestly he was the worst relationship I had. In a bad, bad way. Didn't realize it was quite as bad as it was at the time since I was pushing back and he'd stop. We haven't talked since he knocked someone up and married her. His *cough*her*cough* idea not mine or prob his. 

I kept in touch with the first bf, but he's mysteriously stopped talking to me. Wouldn't think much of it except he's in the army. He was supposed to get out this summer so I hope he's still alive.

Still care about the bf after that, but the longer time has gone on the less I do. Thank to FB I can see he treats the gfs after me better, yet after each one he'd come back to me a try to win me back.   Decided I'm done with the trying to be friends thing once he breaks up with this one. He's cut off.

And, uh, lets not talk about the current ex now. Cuz, um, it's complicated.  

[Bonny]

I'm mostly just grateful that I didn't wind up with any of them long term!

Especially with respect to my "Ex"; dated for 3.5 years married for 6 months before I filed for divorce. Googled him about 2 years ago and saw he had lost his house to foreclosure and was evicted. He's now a used car salesman. Picture on Facebook was the same sad sack I left. I know it sounds cold but he was far too lazy to have the entitled attitude he had. It took a while but I finally wised up that I couldn't fix him and was grateful we didn't have any children together!

I'm not a quitter by nature. There's a reason these relationships didn't work out.

[Deleted]

My taste in men has never been that good so mostly I am embarrassed when I think back. My ex husbands I am still angry with. I had big dreams with each of them and it hurt to accept it was never going to happen. My ex fiances are kind of surreal memories, those were other lifetimes. The various guys I went out with short term...if I see any of them these days I often forget we ever went out. If they are still around it is because we have more substantial connections than the fact that we went out. There are one or two I wish I had made more of an effort with, there were a couple of really great guys mixed in there. But they weren't the ones I stayed with of course.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I don't wish ill will, but I'm not dwelling on any. 
I do have to legally co-parent for another six years, so there's that portion. XH still infuriates me. 

I'm not a nostalgic person, though. DH is--in my mind eccentrically so. He's nostalgic about stuff that happened prior to his birth. 

[Peace Of Mind]

I'm in the sap category, I guess.  I still remember my first  bf when I was 10 years old.  His name was Rusty and he was so sweet and so cute!  We were neighbors in the Philippine Islands and we had the same last name but his had an E and mine had an S at the end (it was my step dad's last name though).   I sometimes wondered how he grew up and if he's happy and I always send prayers/happy thoughts for him when I do.  Did I mention how sweet he was?   We didn't really break up but my family  moved back to the states when I was 12.  We wrote and sent little gifts until I was almost 13 and then we moved again and lost touch.  His sister wrote me to tell me he had found another woman.  LOL!

In high school I was never all that serious about a guy.  They'd do something to turn me off and I would break up with them but I remember them fondly.  Then I met my first real love while still in high school (an older man) and then I found out he was married with a kid.    Boy - did I grow up fast after that incident!  I had no idea people lied like that.  I was still living at home and met him while working.  I met all his friends and he took me out like normal guys would so I had no clue!    He chased me until I was about 32 (he said he was giving up after I married DH2).  I heard he remarried.    Why would I want a cheat?  I could never marry a man I didn't trust.  But he was special in his own way and I remember him quite fondly even though he had serious flaws.  He taught me a lot and I can spot a cheat a mile away now by certain behaviors.   I've had to inform friends in the past when I figured out they were dating a married guy.  Hey - Don't hate the messenger!   They were as shocked as I was when I learned about him, but damn I was in love and so naïve back then.  But he was so charming!

At 17 I met a guy that was my boss at the time and would become DH1 years later when I was 22.  We remained friends for years after we divorced but then it had to stop because he was still bitter about me leaving him and it was messing with him.  And my new bf (now DH2) didn't really like it but it was about DH1's son and we were always there for him if need be. 

Before DH1 and I married I was dating a baseball player (6 ft. 5 in. - he was the short one in his family)  and then a lawyer who I'm still on very good terms with.   I ran into the ball player <<snort>> (he didn't make pro) and it was very nice seeing him but we didn't stay in touch.  I had heard he moved out of state again and I've not seen or heard anything about him in years.  He was mad after he came back in town to propose to me and I had already moved on so he hit on my friend.  I know I dodged a bullet with that one.  He was very immature.   The lawyer and I remained friends and we'd meet for lunch now and then when I was in town or if he was near where I worked.  He also handled all my family's legal affairs as they arose including my parents wills.  When I called his firm after mom died I guess he heard my name mentioned and got on the phone to give me his condolences and asked how I was.  Then he informed me he was getting divorced and wanted to know how things at home were.  LOL!  He is 11 years older than me so he's too old for me now.    He used to look like Don Johnson back in the day but with brown eyes.  I'm still really fond of him and he still looks great, is rich and still has his hair!   Maybe he'll be my Plan B.     He did my divorce with DH1 (and had the nerve to ask him how he felt about me leaving him) and he did my prenup as a gift when I married DH2 and joked that he wanted to make sure I had assets if I became his next wife. He had a great sense of humor and he was fun but I never was really in love with him but I was in "like a-lot".  My mom thought I was nuts.   SHE was in love with him.  

The only guy I had dated and have no feelings for was a private investigator I had met when I worked at the local newspaper at 19.   He was the only guy I dated (very short time) who I really just did not like after getting to know him.  It didn't end badly but I just drifted away and felt nothing after.    All the others I have very fond memories of. 

Thanks for the trip down memory lane!     

[Deleted]

Only sentimental about my first love.

 Those weak knees. How could I ever forget about those?

I would have no interest in him now, but great memories and I think he was the perfect first love for me.

[nutty]

Maybe I a like ZIb, when it's over its over, you are dead to me, I dont waste time with do overs.

[gawgagranny]

Jun 3, 2014 20:58:30 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

   I feel very badly that the man that my first husband was when I first fell in love with him, married him, and spent the first few happy years of my married life with has turned into such a dark-souled, threatening, hatin have beeng, angry personality.   I still "love" the man I married, but he is gone, never to return.   It's as if he never existed.   He's changed that much.

   I may feel wistful once in awhile about him, but I certainly wouldn't want to be with him now.   He's not a nice person, and he kept talking about wishing me dead so that he could collect on my life insurance policy. One injection with the right drug, and I would have been a goner.   

   So, no, I don't think I'm soulless, but I'm not stupid, either.

   Plus, I've met the love of my life, and have been with him for the last sixteen years.   I love him so much.  

This. Exactly this. The only difference being that my XH did not physically threaten me, but was emotionally abusive to the point that he really had me believing it was my fault he dumped me after over 25 years of a mostly good marriage to chase a girl half his age. And I have been with the love of my later life for over 10 years now.

[wvugurl26]

Most of them I'm indifferent to. The one I was with the longest will probably always be a small piece of me. That was the longest relationship and we were together from my sophomore year through grad school graduation. I feel like I grew up into being an adult while we were together. On the other hand would I want to be back together? Hell no.

[jras]

Interesting stories. Timely for me.

Would you all ever compare your loves? Rank them? Or is this something that can't be done?

[The Captain]

Jun 3, 2014 19:09:32 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

wow, you guys are really not sentimental at all!!!  How can you spend a year or years with people? share your heart, your bed, and be completely indifferent?

Remember I said I wasn't in love with any of them?  We dated, we had some good times, and a few arguments.  Yes for the most part I look back with fond memories but the ex's very rarely cross my mind.

So maybe my level of commitment to the relationships was different then yours?   I remember an adult psych class I had to take where the professor said women fall in love, then fall into bed.  Men are the opposite, the want to bed the women and then get the more emotional attachment after sex.  At least for me, that's how I've been so not too many ex's shared a bed with me.

Like I said, I wasn't into too much drama, and from what I saw from some friends, sex and drama always went together.

[The Captain]

Jun 3, 2014 21:26:41 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Jun 3, 2014 20:58:30 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

   I feel very badly that the man that my first husband was when I first fell in love with him, married him, and spent the first few happy years of my married life with has turned into such a dark-souled, threatening, hating, angry personality.   I still "love" the man I married, but he is gone, never to return.   It's as if he never existed.   He's changed that much.

   I may feel wistful once in awhile about him, but I certainly wouldn't want to be with him now.   He's not a nice person, and he kept talking about wishing me dead so that he could collect on my life insurance policy. One injection with the right drug, and I would have been a goner.   

   So, no, I don't think I'm soulless, but I'm not stupid, either.

   Plus, I've met the love of my life, and have been with him for the last sixteen years.   I love him so much.  

But see you feel sadness for him. You regret the man he was. That is hardly indifferent in my mind.  I'm starting to think that I'm a sentimental sap compared to some of you.

I have a box of stuff that my ex gave me. Some of the stuff are things from his childhood, he gave them to me to link his past with his present. It feels scandalous to throw them out. I don't want them, but i don't want to throw them out in the trash.  I also feel sad when I see lost pictures or old family albums in antique stores. 

Wow, I am a sap

You do realize you're posting on YM and not EE, right?

[billisonboard]

Jun 4, 2014 6:32:59 GMT -5 jras said:

Interesting stories. Timely for me.

Would you all ever compare your loves? Rank them? Or is this something that can't be done?

Based on what criteria? I can think of a few possibilities. The one that a person might choose I think would say something significant about the person making the selection.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I've only had one other long term boyfriend before my husband. That was all the way back in high school.

I did look him up once I got a Facebook page because I was curious how his life was going. While I don't have any feelings towards him anymore I will admit when I saw his wife my first thought was "I'm prettier".

His parents were real tiger parents and I honestly thought he was going to have a stroke before he graduated HS. I was happy to learn that he shook all that off and lives his own life where he's quite happy.

I was also blown away at how much weight he's gained! He wasn't thin when we were dating but I remember it was very important to him to try to lose it because he's on hormonal supplements (inactive pituitary gland) which already make you swell like a balloon. He looks like he ate his former HS self nowadays. Really shocked me.

Then there was a friend I dated briefly for two weeks. He died last year. I was pretty upset but it wasn't because I held a torch for him or had any sentimental feelings towards us dating, that was a complete disaster. I was upset because I always thought once we got older and past all the teenage drama we could reconcile and become friends again. Now we don't have that opportunity and I feel bad for not trying to contact him.

[Deleted]

I'm always shocked at how much my high school boyfriend now looks like his father  

[zibazinski]

If I were going to do a real wedding with DF, I'd have the song BROKEN ROAD playing as I walked down the aisle!

[michelyn8]

Well I have the father of my son and the father of my daughters (The Ex) that I have feelings for but don't if that makes sense.  They are the fathers of my children and while The Ex put me through a lot during the time we were together, I have never been able to hate him because of our daughters.  We made peace several years ago (he took reponsibility and apologized for most of what he'd put me through) and we get along as well as we ever could.  I saw him just a few days ago with his latest GF and pretty much felt nothing except mild affection.  

Its pretty much the same with my son's father.  We both know we would have never lasted if we'd gotten married when I got pregant at 16 but also have wondered how different out lives may have turned out.  Neither of us regret our choice though because we would have our other children.  He spent a lot of years in and out of prison for various screw ups and we recently re-connected on FB.  He was never part of DS's life and hasn't even seen or talked to him since he was maybe 4, but they are friends on FB.  DS is also friends with his brother's on FB but again has never met them.  Its a weird situation that DS likes to make jokes about to people who don't know his history (ie: telling someone I don't know my father but we're friends on FB gets him some weird looks).  

Other than my Ex and my last BF, I have never had any long term serious relationships.  I had a lot of short term relationships until I was about 30 and when I realized I wasn't  happy like that, I kind of withdrew and concentrated on my kids.  Part of the issue too was that most of the men I was meeting were divorced with toddlers or were looking to find someone to start a family with and I was 30 with a 13, 10, and 7 year old and no desire (or ability) to have any more children.  I got so disillusiouned with men at that point I gave up on ever finding "the one" for me.  My last BF was someone I'd dated in my 20's and he left me to rekindle things with his high school sweetheart.  I gave him 5 years and when I realized that things were going no where (he would never make any kind of plans with me - short or long term) I started to withdraw and he ended it last year.  I think of him and wonder how his daughters are doing but don't really miss him. 

I don't like the idea of being single the rest of my life and doing it all by myself until I'm to old to do so, but I've accepted that that's probably how things are going to play out.  I meeet plenty of nice enough men but either they have youngish children, are to focused on things I don't care about or like, or are so damn broke I feel like I'd be supporting them and having to keep putting off what I want to keep the bills paid.  

[Deleted]

Jun 4, 2014 8:36:07 GMT -5 michelyn8 said:

DS likes to make jokes about to people who don't know his history (ie: telling someone I don't know my father but we're friends on FB gets him some weird looks).  

I had a male friend when I was in my early 20s and we had similar coloring, people would ask if we were bro and sister and our pat response was no, but his step brother's mother once up had an affair with my stepbrothers ex stepfather... Does that count for anything? We got some looks.

Maybe be the reason I opt for either friendship or apathy is because I lived through lots of love hate drama and never saw it end positively... 

[sheilaincali]

I guess I'm somewhat curious about how their lives turned out. I've looked a few of them up on FB (am even FB friends with one of them). If I ran into them on the street I doubt I'd feel anything for them. There are reasons they are Ex's and I'm the one that broke up with them.

We live in a relatively small community and I hear gossip about them from time to time.  My good friends that own our gaming store are slowly putting the parents of one of my Ex boyfriends out of business.  Another Ex is a client of my friend's employer (she's a paralegal- she legally can't tell me much other than what an ass he is when he stops in the office).  Another Ex runs into my friend and her husband at the ski hill every winter.  I don't seek out information from them but I do hear bits and pieces about them from time to time.   

I married DH on my 21st birthday after knowing him for 5 months. We've been married for 18 years (as of August).

[Deleted]

I hate when thread monsters act up and hide posts...

[Bonny]

Jun 4, 2014 6:32:59 GMT -5 jras said:

Interesting stories. Timely for me.

Would you all ever compare your loves? Rank them? Or is this something that can't be done?

No. What I will say is that I learned something from each of them.

And pointedly, with the Ex-husband, when to walk away. I didn't know the term at the time (enabler) but I knew I HAD to break up with him because we were both drowning.

[aliciar6]

I don't feel anything about my first boyfriend, first husband etc.  I think I was able to have a passing infatuation with them and in the case of my ex, I wonder many times if I kept moving the relationship forward as a challenge to myself...but months before the wedding I wanted out, and right now I all feel is "that 10K to get out of that marriage was the best money I have ever spent"

I just wasn't a relationship person at all...I can't recall a time that I really dated someone exclusively except for DH.  I was really just too into me and what was entertaining and fun and new for me.

[swamp]

Jun 3, 2014 22:26:29 GMT -5 Bonny said:

I'm mostly just grateful that I didn't wind up with any of them long term!

I am actually on good terms with most of my exes.  We're FB friends/on Linked in/occaisionally exchange emails/refer business to one another/small talk if we run into each other. 

There is only one who I wish would get hit by a bus. 

[bean29]

I did not read all the posts, but I am souless.  I don't care to be fb friends with my ex husband.  I don't wish him bad, but he put me through hell and he was having an affair - warm fuzzy feelings I do not have.

He also never paid his 1/2 of the marital debt that we were jointly and severally liable for.  That is long behind me so lets not go there.

My first BF, I would enjoy seeing.  I friended his brother recently on FB (we were same class and were friends) I don't recall if he accepted or not...I think he did but is not really on FB much.

To me when most relationships are over, they are over - there was something that casued the relationship to end, so most people won't want to rekindle- unless maybe you are the kind looking for a fling and not a relationship.

[chiver78]

Jun 3, 2014 20:36:42 GMT -5 JustLurkin said:

Jun 3, 2014 19:35:58 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

Nope.  No nostalgia for the jerks and their abusive behavior.

  I feel lucky I dodged some bullets!

a couple were emotionally abusive and controlling, which I didn't see until much later. definitely dodged a couple bullets for sure!

I am FB friends with one ex-bf from right around when I got out of college. he's a nice enough guy, we just had different goals in life and where we wanted to go with it. I wish him well for sure.

I'd said elsewhere on this board that I'd like a mulligan on my first. he can get hit by a bus for all I care. I will say this though - for a numbers guy who couldn't be bothered to remember my birthday, I got a chuckle out of finding out that his son and I share that birthday.

[Value Buy]

I am a little shocked at the animosity shown here by the women.

I thought you were all romantics at heart. Maybe that was the original problems for the ladies here. You were romantics and took it much more serious than the men in your lives

I can understand the ex-husband scenerios. It is always a crash and serious emotional burn with them, but first loves, too?

Still on the first marriage, and we are still in love and happy going into the great grandchildren phase of life, so I cannot relate exactly with the situations of divorce.

First and second love?

Different story here.

First love was more of puppy love and experimentation and discovery for both of us. I could not forget if I tried, and will always have fond memories. We came to the conclusion we were not the right mix for each other, without destroying ourselves over it. Have no clue how we actually accomplished that. Or, at least in my case, I thought we did. Maybe she is posting here and has posted what an idiot I was

Have no clue where she is now, and I am not one for looking back, but will always be fond of her.

Second love?

Do not know if it was true love. Second thought ---could not have been. I was drafted, and we parted before I was actually in the service, because we did not know what would happen to us, so I guess it was not meant to be true love, although I still think of her.

I know she married three years later and had three girls, but that is because we were raised in the same neighborhood and everyone knew each other. Other than the early years of her marriage, have no clue on her journey thru life.

Maybe it is a little different for men, if we are not "stalkers" in relationships, but I would never look up old lovers on facebook, etc, to see how things are going for them.

I will just stick with the memories, but that's just me.