thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,768
|
Post by thyme4change on May 17, 2014 17:01:45 GMT -5
So many questions, and the conversation has moved on quite a bit. I'll shotgun answers, if anyone still cares.
Dad has 50% custody. In any given 14 day period, the kid spends 7 days and 7 nights with Dad.
They have been divorced for several years and she has a long-steady boyfriend, so I don't think it is about him moving on - however, I might say that she has 2 jealousy possibilities. One is that her and her boyfriend have a complicated situation, so they can't move in together or get married, it was working for a while but recently I have seen her get weary of the situation. She might be jealous that her ex- was able to move his girlfriend in without the problems that she is dealing with. The other thing is that she might be worried that the new girlfriend will have a great relationship with her son. She might feel like she is losing standing as Mom.
As far as the revolving door - he was talking about moving another girl in at Christmas. Their relationship also moved quicker than normal. And now, moving in a gal who he met in March. I don't think her concern that this gal **might** not be a solid life-long relationship is totally unfounded. Sure, this person might be the exception - but I understand her concern.
Morality clause - nope. I thought she made some bad choices during the divorce, including not asking for much and not getting a lawyer - not even for a quick review. She let him draw up all the paperwork and she just signed it.
About him being told that this may be inappropriate for his child - I think that is her point. She is trying to make him believe that she is right. He comes from a crazy divorced family with all kinds of whackadoodle stories, so I suspect he has the "My parents did XYZ and I turned out great" attitude.
And the update! She texted me and said "Thanks for the alternative perspective, it has given me a lot to think about." I find that huge - usually she just vents, ignores my advice and goes about her business. The fact that she even mentioned that she heard what I said makes me wonder if she will be able to pull out of this tactfully. If I get an opening, I will definitely tell her that if the strife between her and the ex continues, the kid will certainly feel it and that will cause him much greater pain than spending the night and random girls's houses while he Dad got action.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 16:17:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 17:25:07 GMT -5
I thought she made some bad choices during the divorce, including not asking for much and not getting a lawyer - not even for a quick review. She let him draw up all the paperwork and she just signed it. If she trusts him that much... I think she can trust him in putting their son first. Some people "love" to be in "love" , fall hard when they do fall in love and move faster than most people. My wife has a cousin like that: 1 week in talking marriage But in my personal opinion, as a non parent, I don't see that messing up the kid. The most it will do is make him say down the road: dad was a slut! Does he spend time with his kid? Feed him? Take care of him? Truly has a good relationship with him? Doesn't abuse him? Love him? Then nothing to worry about.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on May 18, 2014 7:48:18 GMT -5
Because then boys think that treating women like sluts is the norm. It sets a bad example for them. My dd appreciated that I didn't parade one guy after another in front of her like some of her friends moms did. I know some of those girls are in very dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 16:17:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 10:03:16 GMT -5
Because then boys think that treating women like sluts is the norm. It sets a bad example for them. My dd appreciated that I didn't parade one guy after another in front of her like some of her friends moms did. I know some of those girls are in very dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships. That is not always the case... My dad is a slut/man whore. Change woman like he changed shirts, a different girlfriend every other week and 5 ex wives. I've been with my wife for 11 years and married for 6. Not every kid aspire to be like their father and some do have enough brain matter to understand the difference down the road. But again I am not a parent.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on May 18, 2014 10:05:25 GMT -5
I think everyone aspires to not emulate their parents, if they were bad ones, however it takes a LOT of effort to NOT repeat the patterns.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 16:17:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 10:18:15 GMT -5
Because then boys think that treating women like sluts is the norm. It sets a bad example for them. My dd appreciated that I didn't parade one guy after another in front of her like some of her friends moms did. I know some of those girls are in very dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships. That is not always the case... My dad is a slut/man whore. Change woman like he changed shirts, a different girlfriend every other week and 5 ex wives. I've been with my wife for 11 years and married for 6. Not every kid aspire to be like their father and some do have enough brain matter to understand the difference down the road. But again I am not a parent. I think some parents take too much credit/blame for how their kids turn out. While some things (like domestic abuse) have been proven to pass from generation to generation a lot, I don't think kids are completely molded by how they were raised, and some go the opposite direction because they specifically do not want to be like their parents. My kids are so different it's not even funny. I thought I had it down with the first, but seriously, NOTHING I did with kid #1 works with kid #2. Everything about how they view the world and interact with people is different.
|
|
Spellbound454
Senior Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Sept 9, 2011 17:28:42 GMT -5
Posts: 4,096
|
Post by Spellbound454 on May 18, 2014 10:31:29 GMT -5
Sorry to arrive late but my take on it is this.
The Ex wife is jealous that her husband doesn't love her anymore.... and is sleeping with, and sharing the intimacy with another woman.
The ex wife can't stand to know another little family is being formed, with her husband and children at the centre and another woman in her place.
Truth is, he doesn't love her or want her, he has made it perfectly clear .......but he still loves his kids and they him.
Its not about her at all.....its about what is best for the children.....and its in their interest that they share a relationship with their father and his family who love them.
She has got to let go........and when she does, the co-parenting will get easier.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on May 18, 2014 12:53:37 GMT -5
You may be right. It may also be that her children are complaining.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 20, 2014 9:47:51 GMT -5
Coffee is a good idea. Originally I thought of some of the restaurants and coffee shops right near my work, but now I am thinking that maybe I wouldn't want him to know where I work initially. But, then if I don't want him to know where I work, I can't even say the name of my company & that could get awkward trying to avoid that. Damnit, now you guys have made me all nervous about the whole thing.
Maybe the guy at work will just ask me out. We have a work event next Friday, so I am going to try to be all flirty & cute. Or you can suck it up and ask him to join you for coffee on a break or something.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on May 20, 2014 11:44:53 GMT -5
Coffee is a great idea Apple. I am meeting someone for coffee then going for a bike ride.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 16:17:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2014 12:19:23 GMT -5
Coffee is a great idea Apple. I am meeting someone for coffee then going for a bike ride. Please tell me this is a girlfriend. You are SO not ready to start dating. Not even coffee dates!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 16:17:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2014 12:35:18 GMT -5
"It is funny because I thought it was going to be years before I was ready to move on. I think because things were in a downward spiral for so long (3+ years!!) & there were so many times when it was almost over that when it finally ended it took very little time for me to feel ready to move on. It has truly surprised me, but I am not really sad about it, I don't want him back, I am really not even angry at him anymore. I am just done & moving on with my life. " Oh i thought you were back with your ex and were pregnant or just had a baby. Sorry if i am mixing you up with someone else. I was feeling like i had zero interest on anybody else and didnt date for about a year after splitting but it was nice to realize i still can like a guy
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 16:17:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2014 12:36:09 GMT -5
She was, she did and now she's divorced from him. Time flies!!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 16:17:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2014 12:37:39 GMT -5
Oh wow! I guess it does
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on May 20, 2014 13:37:12 GMT -5
It's not a date, it is with a guy friend. My circle of friends knows what is going on. I can keep men at arms length, apparently that is what H says anyway. I am not ready to date and don't want to.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on May 20, 2014 13:44:00 GMT -5
Sigh. If he had taken you to court for witholding visitation based on a one way morality clause, unless something else was going on, he would have prevailed. You can write anything you want, but whether or not it is enforceable, by law, is a different story. I was thinking the same thing. I tried to put in a clause regarding the condition of ex's house in order to have the kids overnight. The person who reviews them before they get sent to the judge made me take it out because it was unenforceable. They did let me keep the clause that neither party can drink (or be drunk) when they have custody of the kids though. FWIW, my brother put into his custody agreement that neither of them can imbibe when they have custody of the kids, nor may either drink in the 12 hours immediately preceding the visit [they split custody 50/50]. The agreement also says that neither parent may have a "date or romantic partner of either sex" spend the night with the parent in the same location where the children are also spending the night. The judge let it stand. Over time my brother has invoked both of these clauses and has made them stick (the kids are now 14 and 17+, so it's been in force for a while). I think the judge approved it because it applied equally to both he and his ex-wife. If he had tried to make it one-sided I think it might have been tossed out. I think he was smart to word it that way. He knew his ex would be careless with her future relationships (part of the reason they got divorced) and he wanted to protect the kids as much as possible.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2014 14:10:43 GMT -5
It's not a date, it is with a guy friend. My circle of friends knows what is going on. I can keep men at arms length, apparently that is what H says anyway. I am not ready to date and don't want to. Coffee and a bike ride with a single man sounds like a date to me. Does HE know it's not a date?
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 20, 2014 15:15:34 GMT -5
Now if she was out at bars trolling for strangers.. that might be cause for concern... <Beth thinks wistfully of sitting in a bar drinking (but not trolling)>
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 20, 2014 15:20:11 GMT -5
<Beth thinks wistfully of sitting in a bar drinking (but not trolling)> LOL!!! Earlier today I was trying to come up with a hobby and I thought I could sit at a bar having strangers buy me drinks and then I'll excuse myself to use the ladies room and then ditch them. It sounds like fun! Too much work for my present mood.
|
|
imawino
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 22:58:16 GMT -5
Posts: 5,370
|
Post by imawino on May 20, 2014 15:23:40 GMT -5
Too much work for my present mood. Me too.. which is why I'm sticking with my current hobby of sitting on my couch drinking wine. Hey, that's my hobby too!
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 20, 2014 15:25:27 GMT -5
I was supposed to do that last night but by the time I got home, got dinner and got the kids to bed, I was too tired to open wine. I had a beer instead. Wine is tonight.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on May 20, 2014 15:27:19 GMT -5
NOOOOO, I am not trolling at bars LOL, I do go out and GASP believe it or not I went to a movie by myself saturday. Now I understand it may be a little more difficult when you have young ones at home but I don't so I am able to take off whenever I want.
This guy knows everything, I am always honest, I am not looking for a man AT ALL, I had one for 22 years and I am looking forward to being on my own, bliss glorious bliss. But if you are going through what I am, you have to get out, you have to meet people.
I don't allow anyone (but girlfriends) buy me drinks. I am not going out looking.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on May 28, 2014 17:18:50 GMT -5
Coffee is a good idea. Originally I thought of some of the restaurants and coffee shops right near my work, but now I am thinking that maybe I wouldn't want him to know where I work initially. But, then if I don't want him to know where I work, I can't even say the name of my company & that could get awkward trying to avoid that. Damnit, now you guys have made me all nervous about the whole thing.
Maybe the guy at work will just ask me out. We have a work event next Friday, so I am going to try to be all flirty & cute. Or you can suck it up and ask him to join you for coffee on a break or something. Ok, I haven't been around for over a week, but I totally LOL'd at this. Yes, I could suck it up & stop feeling like (and acting like) a highschooler, but baby steps . For now I will just have a crush on a cute guy & work on breaking out of my comfort zone & being flirty. And FWIW, it was more difficult than I imagined to look cute when doing manual labor that required hard hats, long sleeves, and gloves. I think I kind of failed in last Friday's task. It was a super fun day though, so that is something.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on May 28, 2014 17:23:27 GMT -5
She was, she did and now she's divorced from him. Time flies!! It probably would have ended over a year ago, but the pregnancy had me all emotional & wanting to try again. I was extremely upset that my child would never know his father & blah, blah, blah. I'm over that now, this kid might be better off not knowing his father now that he has developed a hard-core drug addiction over the past year. The drug addiction that isn't a problem according to him - apparently almost dying twice in less than a week (being admitted to the ER twice as a Doe) doesn't indicate a problem, but rather was just some bad luck.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 16:17:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2014 17:52:38 GMT -5
Angel!, I remember you talking about your husband as far back as when he had that incident with the police officer that had pulled him over. I think he drank back then, but that was before things got bad. It's sad to hear how far he's spiraled since then. It's sad for him and sad that his issues got so out of control that it was better for his family to be without him in the home. I've always been interested in your story (not in a creepy, stalkerish way!) because you seem to try to be real and honest about things even when the truth is not pretty and keep going even when it's hard. I like your courage. It's ok to have a secret crush on a guy at work lol. Feeling like a teenager again isn't always a bad thing. If nothing else, you can practice your flirting skills on him until you get the hang of it. If it just remains harmless flirting and nothing happens between you two, you'll still feel a bit more confident about flirting a little when you run into somebody else you're attracted to. Flirting doesn't have to mean anything, it can just be for fun! When you're ready, go get 'em girlie!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 16:17:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 29, 2014 7:12:38 GMT -5
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on May 29, 2014 7:36:49 GMT -5
I have a crush on the guy next door! I like his wife, too, but told DF that if I were going to cheat.....
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on May 29, 2014 7:40:50 GMT -5
I have a crush on the guy next door! I like his wife, too, but told DF that if I were going to cheat..... [Filling in the rest of that sentence] ... it will be a threesome. Hey, if I'm doing it, I'm going all in! Go big or go home, right?
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on May 29, 2014 7:44:21 GMT -5
I needed that laugh! Thanks..DF wanted to know what was so funny. I don't think he'd be as amused right now as I was by this!
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 29, 2014 7:44:43 GMT -5
Hugs Angel.
|
|