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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 10:27:03 GMT -5
Exactly!
I'm not saying someone needs to remain celibate, but why must there be sleepovers on the nights you have your kids?
When a relationship gets to the point that you're planning on shacking up then I'd say it's OK to have your friend sleepover when your kids are there.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 10:31:29 GMT -5
Exactly! I'm not saying someone needs to remain celibate, but why must there be sleepovers on the nights you have your kids? When a relationship gets to the point that you're planning on shacking up then I'd say it's OK to have your friend sleepover when your kids are there. and that works great if the kids actually go to dad's (or mom's as the case may be). I went for years where the kids didn't go anywhere else so if I had to wait for them to be at someone else's house, I would have been waiting a long time
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 10:40:59 GMT -5
So how do you even meet potential dates if you've got your kids all the time? ETA: Not being bitchy, just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 10:44:20 GMT -5
So how do you even meet potential dates if you've got your kids all the time? ETA: Not being bitchy, just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. well since my kids are now 20, 18 and 15 I don't have to worry....when they were younger, I did online dating and then usually met dates for lunch (good because if the date sucked it had a definitive ending time) or for 2nd, 3rd, etc. dates, I got a sitter.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 10:56:17 GMT -5
LUNCH dates! That makes sense.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 10:58:00 GMT -5
LUNCH dates! That makes sense. and there quite a number of them that weren't even worth the free lunch....
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on May 16, 2014 11:02:54 GMT -5
DH co-parents with his ex. The kids teachers all have commented on how you could never tell they have divorced parents based on how they act (and it seems like they would know?). We are always very respectful of his ex and her husband, and I would be surprised if I ever heard that they had said anything negative about us to the kids. It's just not worth it. The other night I had the kids (DH was out of town on business, and his ex and her husband were out of town as well). My 12 year old step son came up to me and said, "I just really miss my mom," and started to cry (back story, there is a lot going on with a sick younger sibling, and his mom has been in and out of the hospital with him for a few years). It meant a lot to me that he knew he was safe to tell me that about his mom, that I wouldn't take that personally. It's so much better for the kids for everyone to get along. Who cares if your ex does things exactly like you do? It's a waste of time and energy to get so worked up over it, and in the end, your kids are the ones who suffer.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 16, 2014 11:07:45 GMT -5
I'm saying if he had chosen to have someone stay over, just because you had that clause wouldn't have done anything... He wold not have been held to it, it would not have been enforceable. sure it would have....I would have withheld visitation In Texas you can go to jail for that.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 11:29:03 GMT -5
sure it would have....I would have withheld visitation In Texas you can go to jail for that. only if you are actually willing to show up and try and take visitation. you have no idea how many friday's I dropped their stuff at daycare for them when he was supposed to have them for the weekend only to call me at 2 pm and tell me he wasn't taking them. and once he moved 4 hours away, if he didn't come get them I certainly wasn't withholding visitation, he wasn't exercising his right to it.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 16, 2014 11:32:57 GMT -5
In Texas you can go to jail for that. only if you are actually willing to show up and try and take visitation. you have no idea how many friday's I dropped their stuff at daycare for them when he was supposed to have them for the weekend only to call me at 2 pm and tell me he wasn't taking them. and once he moved 4 hours away, if he didn't come get them I certainly wasn't withholding visitation, he wasn't exercising his right to it. Then you're not withholding so I don't understand your point. If you have primary custody (at least in Texas) that means the other parent MAY take visitation, they don't have to. That said, I think it's a totally jerky thing to do to not pick up your kids when you are supposed to.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 16, 2014 12:20:09 GMT -5
sure it would have....I would have withheld visitation Sigh. If he had taken you to court for witholding visitation based on a one way morality clause, unless something else was going on, he would have prevailed. You can write anything you want, but whether or not it is enforceable, by law, is a different story. I was thinking the same thing. I tried to put in a clause regarding the condition of ex's house in order to have the kids overnight. The person who reviews them before they get sent to the judge made me take it out because it was unenforceable. They did let me keep the clause that neither party can drink (or be drunk) when they have custody of the kids though.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 16, 2014 12:25:45 GMT -5
So how do you even meet potential dates if you've got your kids all the time? ETA: Not being bitchy, just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm just starting to deal with this now. I am trying to figure out the logistics of dating when I have 100% custody of the kids and at best my parents take them 1 weekend/month. I figure lunch dates to start, but then it will be a very slow moving relationship for a long time
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on May 16, 2014 12:33:21 GMT -5
I think that co-parenting is hard. I mean parenting in general is tough, but then you throw a divorce in there and then eventually new spouses! oh vey!!!
No Yhanks! If I ever get divorced. I will do my best to co-parent, but I will never get married again. I'll just have a series of fun flings until the children are all grown up.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 12:43:25 GMT -5
I dated guys who had kids so they had the same issues. They usually were mor casual about it than I was but I had primary care myself. DD went to sleepovers and DS eventually went to college. Trust me, I didn't do revenge dating so it was a few years before I was even interested in dating. I was busy with two hurt kids, a house, a job. By the time I came up for breath and felt like I had my own shit together, the kids were older and had their own lives. Besides, just because you have sex doesn't mean you have to spend the night. I counted that as a PLUS!!!!
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 12:55:39 GMT -5
I dated guys who had kids so they had the same issues. They usually were mor casual about it than I was but I had primary care myself. DD went to sleepovers and DS eventually went to college. Trust me, I didn't do revenge dating so it was a few years before I was even interested in dating. I was busy with two hurt kids, a house, a job. By the time I came up for breath and felt like I had my own shit together, the kids were older and had their own lives. Besides, just because you have sex doesn't mean you have to spend the night. I counted that as a PLUS!!!!
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 13:00:51 GMT -5
I think that co-parenting is hard. I mean parenting in general is tough, but then you throw a divorce in there and then eventually new spouses! oh vey!!! No Yhanks! If I ever get divorced. I will do my best to co-parent, but I will never get married again. I'll just have a series of fun flings until the children are all grown up. When I got divorced, I decided I wouldn't marry again. I just wanted to focus on raising and taking care of children and have a little fun instead of trying the serious relationship thing. Nobody came along that made me want to rethink that decision and I don't regret choosing to be happily single. I'll never forget when my daughter was a teenager and I was talking to her about boys one time. She said "Mom, what do you know about boys, you haven't been with anyone since you and my Dad broke up." It had been over 10 years since we'd broke up! It was bad that she thought I didn't know what I was talking about concerning boys, but boy did I laugh to myself about that one. I'm not a total heathen, but I'm no saint either.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 13:06:42 GMT -5
No kidding. I'm sure my kids think I had sex TWICE. Whatever. Plus, they think because DF is old and has health issues that we can't be POSSIBLY.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 16, 2014 15:11:42 GMT -5
I dated guys who had kids so they had the same issues. They usually were mor casual about it than I was but I had primary care myself. DD went to sleepovers and DS eventually went to college. Trust me, I didn't do revenge dating so it was a few years before I was even interested in dating. I was busy with two hurt kids, a house, a job. By the time I came up for breath and felt like I had my own shit together, the kids were older and had their own lives. Besides, just because you have sex doesn't mean you have to spend the night. I counted that as a PLUS!!!! It is funny because I thought it was going to be years before I was ready to move on. I think because things were in a downward spiral for so long (3+ years!!) & there were so many times when it was almost over that when it finally ended it took very little time for me to feel ready to move on. It has truly surprised me, but I am not really sad about it, I don't want him back, I am really not even angry at him anymore. I am just done & moving on with my life. I am still jumbled as to what *my life* is now and some days I want to start dating immediately & others I think I should wait. I signed up for an online service, just to see who was out there & it gave me hope, but I haven't taken any steps beyond that.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 15:23:48 GMT -5
My father uses online dating services. Just saying. I mean, I think they can be ok, but be cautious.
I think if I was ever in need... Fingers crossed... I'd be more likely to try something like meetup and try to find groups with similar interests and go from there...
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 16, 2014 15:45:42 GMT -5
Do you not think much of your father? (I don't recall your situation)
I like the idea of meetups & groups, but with my limited schedule I don't see those working out anytime soon. But, I will be very cautious of anyone I meet online.
I actually am interested in a guy at work, but I can't gauge if he has any interest...so for a while I am just going to wait & see how that plays out. I realized I haven't really spent any significant time being single in ~15 years, so I seriously feel like a high-schooler with a crush right now. It is so weird.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 15:48:57 GMT -5
I like him fine. He's certainly not someone I'd suggest people date. He's a bit of a chronic marrier and a reminder to me that people online are often reinventing themselves in ways not exactly consistent with reality... I mean, I guess we all do that to some extent when we meet new people, put on our best us to some degree... But I think its much easier in cyber space...
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 16, 2014 16:02:30 GMT -5
Gotcha, yeah I could definitely see that. I've spent probably an hour or two total browsing profiles & have definitely caught a lot of red flags just in their profile. I've decided I'm not interested in anyone that labels their career as "entrepeneur". I have also decided to avoid any guy that want a woman in the age range of 18 - whatever the guy's current age is (I am not interested in a guy in his mid-30s that thinks he can or should be with an 18 year old). I am also avoiding anyone that lists their current relationship status as "separated". I think I will also avoid the one guy who emailed me even though I never posted a picture of myself (specifically because I didn't want to be contacted) - my profile was not that good nor thorough to deserve an email from anyone.
I imagine the initial contact & first meetup (if it ever gets that far) would provide a lot more opportunities for red flags. The nice thing is I am not desperate, so I can just putz around until someone worthwhile comes along online or in person.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 16:09:16 GMT -5
I find coffee to be an even better first meeting. First of all, it's awkward to talk while eating and secondly, if its awful, you can book. Also, have someone call you so you can have an "emergency" and have to go. 45 minutes from time of meeting time is fairly good.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 16, 2014 16:41:29 GMT -5
Coffee is a good idea. Originally I thought of some of the restaurants and coffee shops right near my work, but now I am thinking that maybe I wouldn't want him to know where I work initially. But, then if I don't want him to know where I work, I can't even say the name of my company & that could get awkward trying to avoid that. Damnit, now you guys have made me all nervous about the whole thing.
Maybe the guy at work will just ask me out. We have a work event next Friday, so I am going to try to be all flirty & cute.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 16, 2014 16:42:15 GMT -5
My dh is a person that can't be single. Pre-kids I would joke with friends that they needed to set him up with someone at my funeral. Post kids it is something that I sometimes worry about. I don't know that he has the strength to pull himself out of a bad relationship without a sure thing lined up. If we were to get a divorce I would beg him to leave the kids with me if he had overnight guests.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 16, 2014 17:37:18 GMT -5
I don't know if my situation is that unique (3 small children) or if I am just THAT low energy, but if I was single right now, I can't even imagine dating.
Holy crap - thinking about another person's needs would do me in.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 18:36:27 GMT -5
I don't know if my situation is that unique (3 small children) or if I am just THAT low energy, but if I was single right now, I can't even imagine dating. Holy crap - thinking about another person's needs would do me in. Well, if it's a good dating choice, they'd be thinking about YOUR needs too.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 16, 2014 18:45:14 GMT -5
I don't know if my situation is that unique (3 small children) or if I am just THAT low energy, but if I was single right now, I can't even imagine dating. Holy crap - thinking about another person's needs would do me in. Well, if it's a good dating choice, they'd be thinking about YOUR needs too. LOL
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 18:48:33 GMT -5
"Single moms moving in together is kind of a neat idea. I work a couple cubes down from a woman with two young kids that moved in with another girl also with two kids. They work different shifts and each only have a little daycare expense. They share all the housing expenses and are able to afford a much nicer place than they would alone. If a kid gets sick either one will pick them up from school, they take turns making dinner, share the housework. It almost sounds better than a marriage. " Any single moms in Houston who want to do this? Yeah dating is hard when you are the only parent with no other family in town.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 19:16:37 GMT -5
Yes, it is, but they don't stay babies forever.
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