milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 12:11:47 GMT -5
Over the years, I've posted several times about one of my closest friends and her son, who is 14 like my oldest son. Her son (forget what I called him in the prior posts, so I'll call him Al here) has long struggled with making good choices and is in constant trouble at school and every other setting he's in. The friend (forget what I called her in the prior posts, so I'll call her Jen here) has long been in denial about Al's issues. So whenever school contacts her, her reaction is that they're a bunch of jerks out to get her son and they just don't understand him. When the police talk to her, her reaction is that the police are overreacting and it's all the fault of that ridiculous neighbor who called the police. When other parents talk to her, her reaction is that they don't understand how sensitive Al is and just need to cut him some slack.
My own son (let's call him T) has had his own challenges. T struggled with self-control and making good decisions for much longer than most kids and we have worked very, very hard with him to help him develop better behavior and social skills. As part of that, we made the painful decision to minimize his contact with Al. A part of that decision was because of Al's behavior, but an equal part of that decision was because of T's behavior when he was around Al. Being around Al made T's behavior worse. Not Al's fault, that was T's choice and T is in charge of his own behavior, but knowing Al was a trigger for T's bad behavior, one of the ways we helped get T on a better path was to remove triggers like that. Anyway, it was hard on my friendship with Jen when I started making an effort to not have the boys play together, but now that it's been 2 years, I can see it was the right decision for T along with all the other things we did to help T learn better behavior. T is doing really well, becoming a really great kid who is happy, well-liked, well-behaved and getting great grades.
This morning, T told me that he's been hearing from several other kids that Al is selling his ADHD medication. He is worried about Al, who is getting into more trouble at school and wants me to talk to Jen, but is very concerned that Jen will tell Al who told on him. This is a very valid concern, Jen cannot keep a secret and tells Al everything. If Al knows T narced on him, T thinks Al will either hurt him at school or make him miserable in other ways.
If this were most any other kid, I'd of course call the parent and have a low key but direct talk with them. No drama and not implying their kid has actually done anything - just letting them know that this rumor is out there and if I were a parent, I'd want to know, so I'm telling them and nobody else. But in this case, I'm hesitant for two reasons. One - I'm 99% sure that Jen will tell Al that T was the source and Al will cause trouble for T at school. Two - I'm 99% sure that even if there was a picture of Al selling drugs, Jen would find a way to justify it and would take no action anyway.
Ugh. Still thinking this one through and don't want to discuss it with any of my local friends because most of them know each other and that would just be spreading the rumor/gossip. Thoughts?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:13:32 GMT -5
Can you let her know anonymously?
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 12:14:58 GMT -5
Can you let her know anonymously? ?
Interesting idea. Not sure how to actually do that. Also not sure if it would even have a shot at being effective. Ideas on how to do that?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 14, 2014 12:16:08 GMT -5
Did T mention if Al selling on school property? If he is I'd be an anonoymous whistle blower and call the principal. It'd get investigated but Jen would never know who spilled the beans.
It's a tough decision. While it's wrong for Al to do at the same time I wouldn't want T getting hurt. As long as T isn't buying them from Al I may chose to stay out of it. Especially if nothing is going to come from me talking to anyone about it.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 14, 2014 12:17:24 GMT -5
Can you give a heads up to the school? Is Al supposedly selling on school grounds or on the street?
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 14, 2014 12:17:25 GMT -5
Is there a school guidance counselor you can count on to keep you anonymous? Are they covered by doctor patient privledge or somethin?
Let them know (without disclosing the relationship if you can) that you've heard rumors of ...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:17:37 GMT -5
Oh gosh that's tough Milee! Al's name was Zander.
Given all you've posted about Jen, I'm not sure there's any point in telling her. You say yourself that she'd justify even photographic evidence.
Can you (or somebody) tell the school, anonymously? I think you're right to leave your son out of it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:19:46 GMT -5
Because the Mom won't believe it anyway I would stay out of it. Telling her isn't going to solve the problem so why potentially put your son in harm's way?
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Apr 14, 2014 12:23:04 GMT -5
Can you let her know anonymously? ?
Interesting idea. Not sure how to actually do that. Also not sure if it would even have a shot at being effective. Ideas on how to do that?
When my tenant was causing trouble in the neighborhood some of the residents mailed me anonymous typed letters with no return address.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 14, 2014 12:23:38 GMT -5
How about trying to get the school authorities (principal, counselor) involved? If you explain your position, they might be willing to intercede. I've never had to deal with anything like this, so that's the only thing I can think of I might try. Good luck, not only for your friendship but for the poor kid who's just not getting it and isn't getting the help and leadership he so badly needs.
ETA: Oh, good! I wasn't a million miles off base! Thanks, guys!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:25:28 GMT -5
The man is always trying to keep an entrepreneurial brother down.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 12:25:46 GMT -5
Did T mention if Al selling on school property? If he is I'd be an anonoymous whistle blower and call the principal. It'd get investigated but Jen would never know who spilled the beans. It's a tough decision. While it's wrong for Al to do at the same time I wouldn't want T getting hurt. As long as T isn't buying them from Al I may chose to stay out of it. Especially if nothing is going to come from me talking to anyone about it. T is not buying. The rumor was that it happens at school and T could name the buyers. But - and this is a biggie as far as I'm concerned - T has not seen a transaction with his own eyes. He is repeating what others have said. And yes, the rumors do make sense given the history and actions of the kids involved, but as we all know, rumor is just rumor and who knows if it's true or if someone started it out of spite or misunderstanding? If I were Al's mom, I would believe it because there are some other facts that might give credence to it (example - money is tight, behavior has been worse lately so maybe he's not taking the meds but saving them to sell), but that's not enough proof for me as an outsider to conclude this is fact.
Yikes, not sure about reporting it to the principal. This is a very prestigious magnet school. They do not have to keep kids that have issues and this wouldn't be Al's first issue - he's on a thin thread as it is. So if this gets reported, just the rumor might get him kicked out.
That's a big risk.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:27:20 GMT -5
Crack is wack! IDK about Adderall....
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 12:32:55 GMT -5
Because the Mom won't believe it anyway I would stay out of it. Telling her isn't going to solve the problem so why potentially put your son in harm's way? That in a nutshell.
Telling the school hadn't even occurred to me because the probable consequences (Al is kicked out and T is outed as the rat) are so high for something that is just - as far as I know - a rumor. Again, if I were the parent, I'd want my friend to tell me not blow my kid out of school. But I'd also keep the identity of the snitch secret and would take some actions, so I know it's not the same.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:36:19 GMT -5
But you don't think the same way she does. YOU would want someone to tell you that your kid is doing something, SHE sounds like that is the last thing in the world that she wants to hear.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:36:58 GMT -5
Getting the kid kicked out seems like it would be best for everyone involved. And by everyone, I mean you and your son.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:39:56 GMT -5
I'm a little sensitive to the drug selling issue, so it would probably bother me to know a kid was doing that at my kid's school and not say anything. Around here kids are starting to shoot up Adderal and Ritalin and that freaks me out.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Apr 14, 2014 12:41:19 GMT -5
Because the Mom won't believe it anyway I would stay out of it. Telling her isn't going to solve the problem so why potentially put your son in harm's way? That in a nutshell.
Telling the school hadn't even occurred to me because the probable consequences (Al is kicked out and T is outed as the rat) are so high for something that is just - as far as I know - a rumor. Again, if I were the parent, I'd want my friend to tell me not blow my kid out of school. But I'd also keep the identity of the snitch secret and would take some actions, so I know it's not the same.
Do you have a mutual friend that could tell her the rumor? That way you aren't directly involved, but you are still getting her the information. If you aren't willing to tell the school, I would see if someone else could give her the information.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 12:42:20 GMT -5
Getting the kid kicked out seems like it would be best for everyone involved. And by everyone, I mean you and your son. Maybe, but I'm not sure I'm willing to do that based on a rumor.
And I do care about this kid and of course my friend and getting the kid kicked out is a pretty harsh thing to do. If he's kicked out of this magnet school, he'll be in a large, not-well performing public school where he'll have much more access to drugs and kids who will buy them. Plus, his chances of going to a good college are much better if he can stay at this school. Getting kicked out could be a very big deal.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:43:42 GMT -5
Are you saying the rumor going around is that T saw A sell his meds?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 14, 2014 12:44:03 GMT -5
Given your update, I'd sit tight and mind your p's and q's. And be there for your son if/when he has questions/concerns.
Chances are, if there are problems, teachers already know about it. All the kids know that prestigious HS has the best drugs. At our school, there's a cyber bully issue amongst the middle school girls. Teachers have addressed it in class..
You can't do anything about the mother. However, if your are still good friends and money is tight for them, I would be inclined to send some grocery store/clothing store gift cards anonymously.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 12:45:30 GMT -5
Do you have a mutual friend that could tell her the rumor? That way you aren't directly involved, but you are still getting her the information. If you aren't willing to tell the school, I would see if someone else could give her the information. Can't think of one that would work. I have a few very trustworthy ones who wouldn't gossip, but if I told one of them, Jen would quickly guess the source. There are a couple of others that are common enough that Jen wouldn't guess the source, but that would spread the rumor all over.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:46:08 GMT -5
Getting the kid kicked out seems like it would be best for everyone involved. And by everyone, I mean you and your son. Maybe, but I'm not sure I'm willing to do that based on a rumor.
And I do care about this kid and of course my friend and getting the kid kicked out is a pretty harsh thing to do. If he's kicked out of this magnet school, he'll be in a large, not-well performing public school where he'll have much more access to drugs and kids who will buy them. Plus, his chances of going to a good college are much better if he can stay at this school. Getting kicked out could be a very big deal.
You need to be willing to do what is best for your son. Don't let a drug pusher stand in his way of a bright future.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 14, 2014 12:46:15 GMT -5
Getting the kid kicked out seems like it would be best for everyone involved. And by everyone, I mean you and your son. Maybe, but I'm not sure I'm willing to do that based on a rumor.
And I do care about this kid and of course my friend and getting the kid kicked out is a pretty harsh thing to do. If he's kicked out of this magnet school, he'll be in a large, not-well performing public school where he'll have much more access to drugs and kids who will buy them. Plus, his chances of going to a good college are much better if he can stay at this school. Getting kicked out could be a very big deal.
Yes. It's a big deal. But you can't shelter a kid from the consequences of his/her behavior....
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 12:46:36 GMT -5
Are you saying the rumor going around is that T saw A sell his meds? No, as far as T told me, none of the rumors involve T. Other kids are telling T about Al and the other kids/customers.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 12:48:48 GMT -5
Maybe, but I'm not sure I'm willing to do that based on a rumor.
And I do care about this kid and of course my friend and getting the kid kicked out is a pretty harsh thing to do. If he's kicked out of this magnet school, he'll be in a large, not-well performing public school where he'll have much more access to drugs and kids who will buy them. Plus, his chances of going to a good college are much better if he can stay at this school. Getting kicked out could be a very big deal.
You need to be willing to do what is best for your son. Don't let a drug pusher stand in his way of a bright future. I believe I do what is best for my son, but as you know, it's not always easy to know. This is also complicated because Al's current actions aren't standing in T's way or threatening T, since T isn't buying and isn't spreading rumors, just hearing them. If I do nothing, we may miss the chance to protect Al and the kids buying the drugs but T will be just fine.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 12:51:44 GMT -5
Maybe, but I'm not sure I'm willing to do that based on a rumor.
And I do care about this kid and of course my friend and getting the kid kicked out is a pretty harsh thing to do. If he's kicked out of this magnet school, he'll be in a large, not-well performing public school where he'll have much more access to drugs and kids who will buy them. Plus, his chances of going to a good college are much better if he can stay at this school. Getting kicked out could be a very big deal.
Yes. It's a big deal. But you can't shelter a kid from the consequences of his/her behavior.... Very true and I agree. If T had seen a transaction or if there were some proof this isn't a rumor, I would feel more compelled to take action. As it is, I don't even know if Al has done this, so don't know if he deserves any consequences. I do know that Al is on thin ice at the school and that the school has kicked kids out for less, so there's a very real risk that if I report it even if there is no other evidence found that Al will be kicked out. T has an excellent relationship with the school guidance counselors and principals; based on some other prior things, I think they would put a lot of weight into T's statement (for better or worse.)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:52:11 GMT -5
You need to be willing to do what is best for your son. Don't let a drug pusher stand in his way of a bright future. I believe I do what is best for my son, but as you know, it's not always easy to know. This is also complicated because Al's current actions aren't standing in T's way or threatening T, since T isn't buying and isn't spreading rumors, just hearing them. If I do nothing, we may miss the chance to protect Al and the kids buying the drugs but T will be just fine. Your son could become one of those kids. Even good kids and succumb to peer pressure. get the drug seller out of there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:52:15 GMT -5
Protect them? Absolutely nothing in our system protects people selling and buying drugs. I don't think I have ever heard anyone express a desire to protect them. Anyway, you aren't willing to deal with the consequences to your son of reporting it to the mother and you aren't willing to deal with the consequences to Al of reporting it to the school. You're out of options.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 12:53:54 GMT -5
Out of curiousity, how do you feel about the consequences of unchecked drug dealing at your son'ts school?
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