Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 14, 2014 12:56:38 GMT -5
Yes. It's a big deal. But you can't shelter a kid from the consequences of his/her behavior.... Very true and I agree. If T had seen a transaction or if there were some proof this isn't a rumor, I would feel more compelled to take action. As it is, I don't even know if Al has done this, so don't know if he deserves any consequences. I do know that Al is on thin ice at the school and that the school has kicked kids out for less, so there's a very real risk that if I report it even if there is no other evidence found that Al will be kicked out. T has an excellent relationship with the school guidance counselors and principals; based on some other prior things, I think they would put a lot of weight into T's statement (for better or worse.) HOw old is T? I don't remember. What does T want you to do? Maybe sit down with T and discuss all the options you guys can thing of, plus the probably outcomes and see what T thinks is the correct thing to do?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:00:02 GMT -5
If Al's Mom isn't going to follow up I don't see how anyone can do anything to save him from himself.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 13:00:20 GMT -5
BTW, thanks to everybody for their good ideas.
I'm unsure and using this as a sounding board - even playing a little Devil's advocate - is very helpful for me. When I respond to people, I'm not trying to argue, I'm either trying to give more information or think through different angles.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:01:37 GMT -5
If T isn't involved in the rumor itself, I don't see how anonymously tipping to the district will get him found out as the teller. I would think they would need to find proof before they could kick him. And you don't want drugs at your school... It certainly isn't unrealistic to think he's doing this, given past behavior...
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Apr 14, 2014 13:01:39 GMT -5
Can you let her know anonymously? ?
Interesting idea. Not sure how to actually do that. Also not sure if it would even have a shot at being effective. Ideas on how to do that?
Call school off hours, leave message on the principal's phone. Use pay phone. Something like that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:03:02 GMT -5
This is one time that a burner phone would come in handy!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 14, 2014 13:03:36 GMT -5
Did T mention if Al selling on school property? If he is I'd be an anonoymous whistle blower and call the principal. It'd get investigated but Jen would never know who spilled the beans. It's a tough decision. While it's wrong for Al to do at the same time I wouldn't want T getting hurt. As long as T isn't buying them from Al I may chose to stay out of it. Especially if nothing is going to come from me talking to anyone about it. HOW can you stay out of it? Seriously! Are you people totally losing it? This is why Al is selling it because he knows 99% no one will CARE to tell anyone!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:05:15 GMT -5
What good does telling the Mom about it if she won't believe it anyway?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:06:28 GMT -5
And you can tell the school, get him arrested or whatever but when he gets home there will be no follow up to it so I think it's a lost cause.
And now I am reminded of Cartman and his Mom for some reason...
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 13:07:18 GMT -5
Protect them? Absolutely nothing in our system protects people selling and buying drugs. I don't think I have ever heard anyone express a desire to protect them. Anyway, you aren't willing to deal with the consequences to your son of reporting it to the mother and you aren't willing to deal with the consequences to Al of reporting it to the school. You're out of options. OK, it may be naïve, but I think that at 14 kids are still developing and sometimes if you can catch bad behavior early, you can shake them up enough to encourage them to avoid those bad choices in the future. For example, if someone called and told me this rumor about my kid, here are some of the things I'd do:
1) Do some investigation to see if the story sounds reasonable or if there is any proof. (In this case, I'd say there is not an eye witness but there are enough other corroborating things to make it more likely than not true.) 2) Talk to my son about what I know and explain the dangers and consequences. 3) If I know of any of the customer's names, talk to their parents as well. 4) Lock up the meds and make sure I see him taking them for at least the next year. 5) Come up with a consequence that hopefully also helps him understand some of the risks of drugs, like having to volunteer in the morgue (obviously they don't allow that, but you get the idea) for 3 months. 6) Do some analysis of our family situation and make any needed changes to strengthen the relationship.
If it ended up being disclosed to the police or the school, I would not try to protect him from consequences. I would, however, explain what actions had been taken at home to mitigate future events, etc.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 13:07:51 GMT -5
Does your school have anonymous letter box? My public H.S. did. I was kind of imagining you dropping a note saying "a rumor is going around that Al is selling adderall to other kids" and leaving your kid out of it entirely. Don't know if there's an anonymous box, but that's a great idea.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 13:08:51 GMT -5
Out of curiousity, how do you feel about the consequences of unchecked drug dealing at your son'ts school? A little horrified.
And again, if I knew there really was drug dealing - instead of just the rumor of drug dealing - my reaction would be different. That's part of what makes it tough, the unknown.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 14, 2014 13:09:13 GMT -5
If Al's Mom isn't going to follow up I don't see how anyone can do anything to save him from himself. I'd be concerned for Al, of course; however, I'd also be concerned for those kids who just might become Al's victims. Adderall isn't meant for everybody and the side effects are nothing to sneeze at. It's also habit-forming and chronic use can be addicting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:09:51 GMT -5
Out of curiousity, how do you feel about the consequences of unchecked drug dealing at your son'ts school? A little horrified.
And again, if I knew there really was drug dealing - instead of just the rumor of drug dealing - my reaction would be different. That's part of what makes it tough, the unknown.
Have you thought about putting a wire on your kid and having him buy some dope?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:11:18 GMT -5
You can't protect A like a mother. The best option for protecting him at this point is to let him get caught while he's still a juvenile and it's not 'that bad'... And let him have the consequences for it...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:11:35 GMT -5
Protect them? Absolutely nothing in our system protects people selling and buying drugs. I don't think I have ever heard anyone express a desire to protect them. Anyway, you aren't willing to deal with the consequences to your son of reporting it to the mother and you aren't willing to deal with the consequences to Al of reporting it to the school. You're out of options. OK, it may be naïve, but I think that at 14 kids are still developing and sometimes if you can catch bad behavior early, you can shake them up enough to encourage them to avoid those bad choices in the future. For example, if someone called and told me this rumor about my kid, here are some of the things I'd do:
1) Do some investigation to see if the story sounds reasonable or if there is any proof. (In this case, I'd say there is not an eye witness but there are enough other corroborating things to make it more likely than not true.) 2) Talk to my son about what I know and explain the dangers and consequences. 3) If I know of any of the customer's names, talk to their parents as well. 4) Lock up the meds and make sure I see him taking them for at least the next year. 5) Come up with a consequence that hopefully also helps him understand some of the risks of drugs, like having to volunteer in the morgue (obviously they don't allow that, but you get the idea) for 3 months. 6) Do some analysis of our family situation and make any needed changes to strengthen the relationship.
If it ended up being disclosed to the police or the school, I would not try to protect him from consequences. I would, however, explain what actions had been taken at home to mitigate future events, etc.
What YOU would do is not what his Mom will do... ETA: it would be wonderful if this news was the one that got her to get her head of out her ass. But that's highly unlikely, unfortunately.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Apr 14, 2014 13:11:49 GMT -5
I think this is more serious than anyone has said. I think reselling prescription meds is a big deal, just like dealing other drugs.
He will have a drug conviction against him if no one intervenes.
Drug convictions preclude you receiving student loan $$.
If it was my kid, I think I would pull them off Adderol and get them in counselling. What the heck is he using the $$ he gets for?
I would talk to the kid personally and I would talk to the Mom and let them know how serious this is.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 13:12:03 GMT -5
Very true and I agree. If T had seen a transaction or if there were some proof this isn't a rumor, I would feel more compelled to take action. As it is, I don't even know if Al has done this, so don't know if he deserves any consequences. I do know that Al is on thin ice at the school and that the school has kicked kids out for less, so there's a very real risk that if I report it even if there is no other evidence found that Al will be kicked out. T has an excellent relationship with the school guidance counselors and principals; based on some other prior things, I think they would put a lot of weight into T's statement (for better or worse.) HOw old is T? I don't remember. What does T want you to do? Maybe sit down with T and discuss all the options you guys can thing of, plus the probably outcomes and see what T thinks is the correct thing to do? T's 14, as is Al. T just told me this morning. Just as I was dropping off the boys at school, T asked if I could drop the little guy first and then sit with him in the parking lot for a minute. He told me then. I did ask what he thinks I should do and he said he would like it if I could tell Jen but keep it secret that he was the one that told me. We talked for only a few more minutes and then it was time for school. I hugged him, thanked him for telling me and told him that we should both think about it today and talk more tonight, that I would not tell anyone until we talked more. He seemed OK and a little relieved.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:12:07 GMT -5
Out of curiousity, how do you feel about the consequences of unchecked drug dealing at your son'ts school? A little horrified.
And again, if I knew there really was drug dealing - instead of just the rumor of drug dealing - my reaction would be different. That's part of what makes it tough, the unknown.
And you will report the rumor. And the school will investigate the rumor...
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 13:14:22 GMT -5
A little horrified.
And again, if I knew there really was drug dealing - instead of just the rumor of drug dealing - my reaction would be different. That's part of what makes it tough, the unknown.
Have you thought about putting a wire on your kid and having him buy some dope? No. But thanks for the giggle. I needed a break.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Apr 14, 2014 13:20:28 GMT -5
Yes. It's a big deal. But you can't shelter a kid from the consequences of his/her behavior.... Very true and I agree. If T had seen a transaction or if there were some proof this isn't a rumor, I would feel more compelled to take action. As it is, I don't even know if Al has done this, so don't know if he deserves any consequences. I do know that Al is on thin ice at the school and that the school has kicked kids out for less, so there's a very real risk that if I report it even if there is no other evidence found that Al will be kicked out. T has an excellent relationship with the school guidance counselors and principals; based on some other prior things, I think they would put a lot of weight into T's statement (for better or worse.) I suspect that if your kid has been told about this that obviously many other kids know as well. Some of the teachers probably have an inkling as well. I would stay out of it. Even if you go to the school and decide to tell the administration what you've been told, I'm guessing that somehow it will come back to your son. If your son has issues of his own, why risk the fallout that could result from this?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:22:14 GMT -5
A little horrified.
And again, if I knew there really was drug dealing - instead of just the rumor of drug dealing - my reaction would be different. That's part of what makes it tough, the unknown.
And you will report the rumor. And the school will investigate the rumor... Yeah, they're not just going to kick him out of the school based on a tip from a parent. They're going to look into it and verify if it's true or not. Maybe they'll even warn him first and that alone will be enough to scare him into stopping. If not, then it's nobody's fault but his own.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Apr 14, 2014 13:24:17 GMT -5
I don't know anything about kids, but I've been reading that Boundaries book due to some issues with my SIL. The book really emphasizes the importance of learning limits and consequences at a young age. It may be to Al's benefit to experience some consequences now, while he is a minor, rather than later in the adult system.
I would probably go with telling the school, but if you don't take any action it sounds like your son will let you know if the situation escalates.
When I was in junior high and high school, my friends' older siblings were dealing harder drugs at school and it never occurred to me to discuss it with my parents. It was just part of the environment to navigate.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 13:32:32 GMT -5
When I was in junior high and high school, my friends' older siblings were dealing harder drugs at school and it never occurred to me to discuss it with my parents. It was just part of the environment to navigate. Yes, that's another part of the trickiness. Growing up, I would never have been able to talk to my parents about something like this; things would have gone sideways fast and the resulting drama and fallout would have been enormous.
So I appreciate the trust that T has and the strength of our relationship. Don't want to damage that and can see several ways that this could happen.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Apr 14, 2014 13:46:10 GMT -5
Crappy situation as a parent. Sounds like if you tell the mom she either won't believe you or won't do anything about it and her kid will know your son told you. I had a buddy our sophomore year in the late 90's who had pot in his backpack. His ex gf didn't like seeing him with a new girl, tipped off security and they searched his bag. He ended up getting kicked out of school but luckily despite being an idiot and having pot in his bag he was smart enough to get his GED. His ex gf ended up getting her ass kicked for it by another girl so I'd be real weary of doing anything that implicates your kid. I was acquaintances with a bunch of the kids in HS who partied and cut class and as far as HS goes those kids didn't screw around. They beat the crap out of anyone who narced and I literally watched about 30 guys chase 1 kid off the campus one morning after they found out he was the one who got one of their friends busted with drugs in the trunk of his car. I'm really not trying to scare you into doing anything just giving you a heads up that the repercussions for your kid could be huge. The kid that got chased off campus never came back as he had to change schools and that story followed him to his new school as well.
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 14, 2014 13:52:50 GMT -5
Another option is to just tell the school about the rumors, but not name names so you're not "outing" a specific person. Something like T has been telling you there are a lot of rumors going around that someone is selling Adderall to kids, are they aware of the rumors? If so, are they doing anything about it? And, depending on how the conversation goes you might mention Al's name.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 13:55:16 GMT -5
Crappy situation as a parent. Sounds like if you tell the mom she either won't believe you or won't do anything about it and her kid will know your son told you. I had a buddy our sophomore year in the late 90's who had pot in his backpack. His ex gf didn't like seeing him with a new girl, tipped off security and they searched his bag. He ended up getting kicked out of school but luckily despite being an idiot and having pot in his bag he was smart enough to get his GED. His ex gf ended up getting her ass kicked for it by another girl so I'd be real weary of doing anything that implicates your kid. I was acquaintances with a bunch of the kids in HS who partied and cut class and as far as HS goes those kids didn't screw around. They beat the crap out of anyone who narced and I literally watched about 30 guys chase 1 kid off the campus one morning after they found out he was the one who got one of their friends busted with drugs in the trunk of his car. I'm really not trying to scare you into doing anything just giving you a heads up that the repercussions for your kid could be huge. The kid that got chased off campus never came back as he had to change schools and that story followed him to his new school as well. Yep. And unfortunately, my kid is very small for his age, so is definitely worried about Al and the other "stoners" (his description) beating the snot out of him.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 13:58:18 GMT -5
Another option is to just tell the school about the rumors, but not name names so you're not "outing" a specific person. Something like T has been telling you there are a lot of rumors going around that someone is selling Adderall to kids, are they aware of the rumors? If so, are they doing anything about it? And, depending on how the conversation goes you might mention Al's name. I try to be a realist and would probably not be comfortable with having a general, name-no-names discussion with the school. If I do decide to go to the school, I don't see how it will help if I don't tell them the names of the kids involved. If they're professionals (and I hope they are), it's not like they're going to do anything other than listen. It's not like they'll respond to a general, vague complaint with, "yeah, is it that Al kid because he has been acting a little crazy lately?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 13:58:51 GMT -5
HOw old is T? I don't remember. What does T want you to do? Maybe sit down with T and discuss all the options you guys can thing of, plus the probably outcomes and see what T thinks is the correct thing to do? T's 14, as is Al. T just told me this morning. Just as I was dropping off the boys at school, T asked if I could drop the little guy first and then sit with him in the parking lot for a minute. He told me then. I did ask what he thinks I should do and he said he would like it if I could tell Jen but keep it secret that he was the one that told me. We talked for only a few more minutes and then it was time for school. I hugged him, thanked him for telling me and told him that we should both think about it today and talk more tonight, that I would not tell anyone until we talked more. He seemed OK and a little relieved. So do that. Phrase it in a way of "I know this can't possibly be true but I think you should know there are rumours about Al selling his meds. You might want to monitor Al's meds so if the school checks into it you can tell them that you monitor it and there is no way he has any left to sell after he takes his dosage. Anyway, I know it can't possibly be true because you would notice his behaviour becoming more erratic but I thought you would want to be in front of this." When asked who told you just say you overheard it being discussed when you were at the school for something or other. Then you have done what your son asked.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 14:00:47 GMT -5
create an anonymous email account and email the school (principal, guidance counselor, a teacher).
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