Guilt. Parenting really stinks.

[milee]

Apr 14, 2014 13:58:51 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Apr 14, 2014 13:12:03 GMT -5 milee said:

T's 14, as is Al. T just told me this morning.  Just as I was dropping off the boys at school, T asked if I could drop the little guy first and then sit with him in the parking lot for a minute.  He told me then.  I did ask what he thinks I should do and he said he would like it if I could tell Jen but keep it secret that he was the one that told me.  We talked for only a few more minutes and then it was time for school.  I hugged him, thanked him for telling me and told him that we should both think about it today and talk more tonight, that I would not tell anyone until we talked more.  He seemed OK and a little relieved.  

So do that. Phrase it in a way of "I know this can't possibly be true but I think you should know there are rumours about Al selling his meds. You might want to monitor Al's meds so if the school checks into it you can tell them that you monitor it and there is no way he has any left to sell after he takes his dosage. Anyway, I know it can't possibly be true because you would notice his behaviour becoming more erratic but I thought you would want to be in front of this." When asked who told you just say you overheard it being discussed when you were at the school for something or other. Then you have done what your son asked.

Trust me, if I weren't 99% sure that Jen would immediately tell Al that T was the source that is exactly what I'd do. 

[Deleted]

I'd stay out of it because it is a rumor.  But if I did feel compelled to act, I would look up some random article on ADHD drugs' street value and mail it to her anonymously.

She feels compelled to defend her son because she feels he is being attacked.  That doesn't mean that she doesn't put two and two together at times.  All you want to do is warn her.  So warn her. 

[Deleted]

Apr 14, 2014 14:01:18 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 14, 2014 13:58:51 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

So do that. Phrase it in a way of "I know this can't possibly be true but I think you should know there are rumours about Al selling his meds. You might want to monitor Al's meds so if the school checks into it you can tell them that you monitor it and there is no way he has any left to sell after he takes his dosage. Anyway, I know it can't possibly be true because you would notice his behaviour becoming more erratic but I thought you would want to be in front of this." When asked who told you just say you overheard it being discussed when you were at the school for something or other. Then you have done what your son asked.

Trust me, if I weren't 99% sure that Jen would immediately tell Al that T was the source that is exactly what I'd do. 

It's up to you to sell her that T isn't the one that told you. I wouldn't think it would be that hard. Unless T has a history of tattling. I know all kinds of stuff about GW's school that doesn't come from her.

[milee]

Apr 14, 2014 14:04:43 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:01:18 GMT -5 milee said:

Trust me, if I weren't 99% sure that Jen would immediately tell Al that T was the source that is exactly what I'd do. 

It's up to you to sell her that T isn't the one that told you. I wouldn't think it would be that hard. Unless T has a history of tattling. I know all kinds of stuff about GW's school that doesn't come from her.

T isn't one to tell normally and is pretty circumspect about what happens at school.  Your use of the phrase "tattling" is exactly what I know he's hoping to avoid and why not all kids will talk to their parents about this stuff. I don't consider what he did in this case "tattling" and I'm glad he trusts me enough to tell me.

And I don't think she's dumb - just in denial about her own kid - enough to believe this is coming from some random other kid.  Especially since she knows I do not gossip and am very anti-drama so don't pass along rumors.

[souldoubt]

I must be naive because I don't know what parent wouldn't think another parents kid is the one who told them something like that.  It's one thing to hear about kids cutting class, dating, etc from another parent but anything as serious as drugs aside from occasional teenage partying will make it's way to administration pretty quickly.  My own thought on it is warped but my experience but if she knows the other parent won't do anything I would be notifying the school anonymously because that kid getting caught and facing real repercussions if he is selling his medication might be the best thing for him.  If you tell administration and say your kid is the one who told you there's a chance they'll pull your kid in there and that can get around school quick. 

[Deleted]

I will try one more time, you don't say another kid told you. You say you overheard it. And normally you don't comment on rumours but since it is about her son you thought you would tell her because you would want to be told.

I don't consider what T told you as tattling either. What I try to teach GW is that the problem is the behaviour, not that the behaviour is discussed. Don't ever let anyone hold you hostage like that. If they try to impose repurcussions for you talking about it we will deal with it.

[NastyWoman]

Apr 14, 2014 12:23:04 GMT -5 lexxy703 said:

Apr 14, 2014 12:14:58 GMT -5 milee said:

When my tenant was causing trouble in the neighborhood some of the residents mailed me anonymous typed letters with no return address. 

I think you may have to give Lexxy's neighborhood residents' approach a try.  Write an anonymous letter along the lines of:
Dear principal,
An unconfirmed rumor has reached my ears that needs to be verified for the good of all students.  Rumors has it that one of your students, Al, has been selling his ADHD medication.  Please know that I have no way of confirming this rumor either way, but the school will have to take action because eitherthis rumor is true in which case you have to remove the drug threat from school or, if it is not true, to protect Al's reputation since having his name linked to drug selling activities could have long lasting repercussions for him.

I trust you will take the appropriate actions with this information.

Sincerely,
A concerned parent

[Lizard Queen]

Apr 14, 2014 14:17:44 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I will try one more time, you don't say another kid told you. You say you overheard it. And normally you don't comment on rumours but since it is about her son you thought you would tell her because you would want to be told.

This.

I wouldn't go to the principal at this time.  It sounds like it's going to come out really soon without your help, so why get mixed up in it?

[milee]

Apr 14, 2014 14:28:51 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:17:44 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

It sounds like it's going to come out really soon without your help, so why get mixed up in it?

Tell me more about why you think this.  A few others have also mentioned that the teachers and/or admin probably already know. This has not been the case in my experience, but I'm open to understanding more.

[raeoflyte]

Apr 14, 2014 14:17:44 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I will try one more time, you don't say another kid told you. You say you overheard it. And normally you don't comment on rumours but since it is about her son you thought you would tell her because you would want to be told.

I don't consider what T told you as tattling either. What I try to teach GW is that the problem is the behaviour, not that the behaviour is discussed. Don't ever let anyone hold you hostage like that. If they try to impose repurcussions for you talking about it we will deal with it.

My kids aren't this age yet, so I'm just basing this off of my long ago high school history, but I don't think that Jen will believe Milee that T had nothing to do with this.  And even if Jen believes that, it sounds like she will still tell Al her source, and Al is likely to corner T to find out if he was the source of the rumor.  

My parents were very involved, but they would never know information about other kids like this unless I was the one telling them.  

[Deleted]

Apr 14, 2014 14:35:24 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:17:44 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I will try one more time, you don't say another kid told you. You say you overheard it. And normally you don't comment on rumours but since it is about her son you thought you would tell her because you would want to be told.

I don't consider what T told you as tattling either. What I try to teach GW is that the problem is the behaviour, not that the behaviour is discussed. Don't ever let anyone hold you hostage like that. If they try to impose repurcussions for you talking about it we will deal with it.

My kids aren't this age yet, so I'm just basing this off of my long ago high school history, but I don't think that Jen will believe Milee that T had nothing to do with this.  And even if Jen believes that, it sounds like she will still tell Al her source, and Al is likely to corner T to find out if he was the source of the rumor.  

My parents were very involved, but they would never know information about other kids like this unless I was the one telling them.  

I guess that is another problem I am having. I don't want to teach GW to be that afraid of bullies. If it is possible for the bullies to beat up her kid for reporting drug dealing then she really needs to look at other educational options. These are the moments that you teach your kid how to deal with these things as effectively as possible and not let criminals hold you hostage.

[Lizard Queen]

Apr 14, 2014 14:32:37 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:28:51 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

It sounds like it's going to come out really soon without your help, so why get mixed up in it?

Tell me more about why you think this.  A few others have also mentioned that the teachers and/or admin probably already know. This has not been the case in my experience, but I'm open to understanding more.

You said your son has heard it from several others.  That means it's getting talked about, and the more it's talked about, the more likely other parents, teachers and the principal are going to hear about it as well.

[mmhmm]

Apr 14, 2014 14:32:37 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:28:51 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

It sounds like it's going to come out really soon without your help, so why get mixed up in it?

Tell me more about why you think this.  A few others have also mentioned that the teachers and/or admin probably already know. This has not been the case in my experience, but I'm open to understanding more.

It hasn't been my experience, either, milee, and I wouldn't want to take that chance.  If the teachers/admin don't know, there is a real danger to other children in the school if the rumor(s) are true.  If they're not true, an investigation by the school authorities should be able to find that out, just as well as such an investigation could find out if they're true.  If the school authorities, however, don't know they should be looking into this matter the ramifications for some children could be very, very serious ... and that's not only speaking of Al.

Picture this:  Little Johnnie has a seizure disorder (or some other vulnerable condition).  Little Joey, who bought Adderall from Al, tells little Jimmy how funny it would be to see what would happen if somebody put Adderall in little Johnnie's drink at lunch while little Johnnie wasn't looking ...  For most kids, the side-effects wouldn't be a major issue; however, for the little Johnnies among them, it could be a very different situation.  I just don't think I could live with having known and done nothing if something like that were to occur.

[midjd]

In the context of my previous post, I really don't think telling Jen will do any good.

My mom - who is an otherwise reasonable/practical person - has given my sister and me the silent treatment whenever we suggest my brother may have done something wrong or been at fault in a situation. 

You telling Jen you heard her son is selling his Adderall is not going to go over well, even coming from a concerned friend. Especially after you've made efforts to limit your son's interaction with her son - she's probably already on the defensive.

If you want something to be done, going to the mom isn't the answer. She's either going to shoot the messenger or handle it badly and put your son at risk. JMO.

[Deleted]

Apr 14, 2014 14:47:44 GMT -5 midjd said:

In the context of my previous post, I really don't think telling Jen will do any good.

My mom - who is an otherwise reasonable/practical person - has given my sister and me the silent treatment whenever we suggest my brother may have done something wrong or been at fault in a situation. 

You telling Jen you heard her son is selling his Adderall is not going to go over well, even coming from a concerned friend. Especially after you've made efforts to limit your son's interaction with her son - she's probably already on the defensive.

If you want something to be done, going to the mom isn't the answer. She's either going to shoot the messenger or handle it badly and put your son at risk. JMO.

Then explain that to T and go to the school. It bothered T enough that he told Milee. If she does nothing it teaches him not to bother trying to address issues.

[HoneyBBQ]

Apr 14, 2014 13:11:49 GMT -5 bean29 said:

If it was my kid, I think I would pull them off Adderol and get them in counselling. 

Some children are literally not functional without their medication. It's a chemical/physical disorder - not a problem they can just talk away.

Now whether ADD medications are over prescribed or not is a complete different subject. I am assuming the child who has the Rx actually truly needs the medicine.

[raeoflyte]

Apr 14, 2014 14:43:50 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:35:24 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

My kids aren't this age yet, so I'm just basing this off of my long ago high school history, but I don't think that Jen will believe Milee that T had nothing to do with this.  And even if Jen believes that, it sounds like she will still tell Al her source, and Al is likely to corner T to find out if he was the source of the rumor.  

My parents were very involved, but they would never know information about other kids like this unless I was the one telling them.  

I guess that is another problem I am having. I don't want to teach GW to be that afraid of bullies. If it is possible for the bullies to beat up her kid for reporting drug dealing then she really needs to look at other educational options. These are the moments that you teach your kid how to deal with these things as effectively as possible and not let criminals hold you hostage.

I don't disagree with that, but you can't prevent those consequences 100% of the time either.  T probably doesn't realize how hard Milee has worked to help him overcome his issues, and that limiting contact with Al was part of that.  He has a very reasonable mother, and so he also probably doesn't understand that Jen will not react the way Milee would in that situation.  Pretending that retaliation won't/can't happen isn't preparing kids for real life either.  

[lexxy703]

Apr 14, 2014 14:43:40 GMT -5 midjd said:

I like Justme's suggestion.

My brother/mom's relationship is very much like you described in the OP. My brother isn't a bad person, but has trouble making good choices, and no matter what he does/did, my mom is very quick to jump in with "it's not your fault"/"you just have bad luck"/"they're out to get you"/etc., which is less than helpful.

Despite his activities, my brother never got into any trouble in high school. He did get kicked off a sports team during his senior year for failing a random drug test (which, per my mom, was stupid, since so many more people were drinking than smoking pot, and they didn't get busted, blah blah blah) but was allowed to come back after passing his next DT. He tested clean because my mom bought him some of that clean-pee drink.

About 6 weeks ago, he got a DUI. He was found unconscious after crashing his car in a parking lot. There were opiates and THC in his system. My mom swears he was drugged, because she knows him, and she knows he doesn't do pills. When I told her (gently) I didn't think that was likely (why slip someone expensive narcotics if you're not going to rob/rape them?), she ended the conversation. I love my brother, but I honestly hope the judge throws the book at him. That's the only thing that will teach him a lesson. He's heard "it's not your fault" for much too long.

Anyway, a very long post to say - the sooner this kid can get into some real trouble (trouble that can't be smoothed over/explained away by an enabling parent), the better his future looks. It's much easier to figure out that actions have consequences at 14 than 24.

But of course, saving him isn't worth sacrificing your son. So I like the anonymous tip or "there are rumors that someone is selling drugs" routes better. Unless you think that any investigation into Al's activities will eventually come back to your son - then I wouldn't risk it.

The mother's attitude makes me very sad. I know with my mom, it's borne of love (and my mom really is a good person - I'm sure your friend is too) but the damage it does is so severe, and they just can't see it...

I have family members just like this. No matter what son does it is always someone else's fault. The police are out to get him, his boss was wrong to fire him........It goes on & on & gets very tiresome. Most of us don't talk to them anymore & so we are snobs. And this one isn't a kid. He is in his 40s with a wife & kids & had to move back into his mother's basement.

[souldoubt]

Apr 14, 2014 14:43:50 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:35:24 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

My kids aren't this age yet, so I'm just basing this off of my long ago high school history, but I don't think that Jen will believe Milee that T had nothing to do with this.  And even if Jen believes that, it sounds like she will still tell Al her source, and Al is likely to corner T to find out if he was the source of the rumor.  

My parents were very involved, but they would never know information about other kids like this unless I was the one telling them.  

I guess that is another problem I am having. I don't want to teach GW to be that afraid of bullies. If it is possible for the bullies to beat up her kid for reporting drug dealing then she really needs to look at other educational options. These are the moments that you teach your kid how to deal with these things as effectively as possible and not let criminals hold you hostage.

It's not a matter of being afraid of bullies or letting 'criminals hold you hostage' it's about being smart about how it's handled.  Parents don't directly have to deal with the repercussions while kids are the ones that spend most of their week at school facing other kids.  This isn't an after school special where the kid tells a teacher, some other kid gets in trouble and everyone else respects the kid who told for it.  A lot of kids won't care but some of those other kids are going to make your life hell whether it's physical or verbal abuse or flat out making you feel uncomfortable walking around campus.  That will happen at any school like the private school I went to that a bunch of my friends stayed at through middle school or at a public HS like the one we all ended up at together.  In the grand scheme of things we all know none of that matters once you're older but if you ever hated going to school for any reason related to other kids giving you a hard time you'd know that's hell.        

[giramomma]

Apr 14, 2014 14:32:37 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:28:51 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

It sounds like it's going to come out really soon without your help, so why get mixed up in it?

Tell me more about why you think this.  A few others have also mentioned that the teachers and/or admin probably already know. This has not been the case in my experience, but I'm open to understanding more.

Your kids' friend has already been in trouble before. Teachers aren't dumb. They know things, hear things, and see things. Just because it's not publicized doesn't mean it doesn't exist. If there's one thing I've noticed, its that issues will be minimized if folks really want them to be.      

It's not quite the same, but I teach, but not in the public schools. I can peg, in about 10 minutes if the folks will become my clients. I can also pretty much start to call it when the kids are losing interest in the instrument and quit. Even though parents don't tell me the writing is on the wall, I know it's there, sometimes even 6 months before it happens. I can also start to tell, with some of my students, the ones that are going to be successful in life and the ones that aren't. I didn't get like this overnight, but it is possible to develop some intuitive sense from experience.

If the teachers in your kids' school aren't present enough to pick up on what's up with their students, I'd be wanting some new teachers. It isn't THAT hard to pick up on small shifts in normal student behaviors with the kids or to notice that a kid's behavior is getting worse...
 

[Deleted]

Apr 14, 2014 14:58:55 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:43:50 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I guess that is another problem I am having. I don't want to teach GW to be that afraid of bullies. If it is possible for the bullies to beat up her kid for reporting drug dealing then she really needs to look at other educational options. These are the moments that you teach your kid how to deal with these things as effectively as possible and not let criminals hold you hostage.

It's not a matter of being afraid of bullies or letting 'criminals hold you hostage' it's about being smart about how it's handled.  Parents don't directly have to deal with the repercussions while kids are the ones that spend most of their week at school facing other kids.  This isn't an after school special where the kid tells a teacher, some other kid gets in trouble and everyone else respects the kid who told for it.  A lot of kids won't care but some of those other kids are going to make your life hell whether it's physical or verbal abuse or flat out making you feel uncomfortable walking around campus.  That will happen at any school like the private school I went to that a bunch of my friends stayed at through middle school or at a public HS like the one we all ended up at together.  In the grand scheme of things we all know none of that matters once you're older but if you ever hated going to school for any reason related to other kids giving you a hard time you'd know that's hell.        

You guys have a really, really warped society. Situations where kids are in danger from drug dealers or others in their school are the exception, not the rule in my city.

[zibazinski]

I wouldn't bother and I'd tell my son why. Not because you think he will get beat up but that his friends mom won't react in a helpful manner. My son told me stories about kids that I knew and whose parents I knew and were friends with. I never ever betrayed his confidence because I already knew what he was going to say. Their parents already knew but didn't want to deal with it. Just like someone with a cheating spouse. They don't want to be told because then they can't pretend it isn't happening. 

[souldoubt]

Apr 14, 2014 15:09:55 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:58:55 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

It's not a matter of being afraid of bullies or letting 'criminals hold you hostage' it's about being smart about how it's handled.  Parents don't directly have to deal with the repercussions while kids are the ones that spend most of their week at school facing other kids.  This isn't an after school special where the kid tells a teacher, some other kid gets in trouble and everyone else respects the kid who told for it.  A lot of kids won't care but some of those other kids are going to make your life hell whether it's physical or verbal abuse or flat out making you feel uncomfortable walking around campus.  That will happen at any school like the private school I went to that a bunch of my friends stayed at through middle school or at a public HS like the one we all ended up at together.  In the grand scheme of things we all know none of that matters once you're older but if you ever hated going to school for any reason related to other kids giving you a hard time you'd know that's hell.        

You guys have a really, really warped society. Situations where kids are in danger from drug dealers or others in their school are the exception, not the rule in my city.

Laterbloomber it has nothing to do with being in danger from drug dealers.  I didn't go to school in some ghetto where people brought guns to campus and they had metal detectors before you walked in it was in a sunny SoCal beach city at a school that had an IB program.  It has to do with being known as the kid who told on someone else and can't be trusted.  I'm not saying you stick your head in the sand and ignore it just that you do it without implicating your kid because they're the one who spends 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for 9 months out of the year surrounded by those other kids.  

[midjd]

I don't think it's "the rule" here, either... but IME it's not an outcast or thug who is dealing drugs, it's usually the popular kid. (Which makes sense if you think about it - way easier to sell drugs if everyone likes you and/or wants to be like you.)

So if you narc on the popular kid for selling drugs and he gets busted, people aren't going to think "Oh thank goodness that menace was removed from our school," they're going to think "I can't believe that dick went and told on X, what a little punk." Even if they never actually bought drugs from X.

It's no different from the backlash you've seen against girls or women who report that a popular student athlete raped them.

Teenagers' brains don't work the same way ours do.

[milee]

Apr 14, 2014 15:04:55 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:32:37 GMT -5 milee said:

Tell me more about why you think this.  A few others have also mentioned that the teachers and/or admin probably already know. This has not been the case in my experience, but I'm open to understanding more.

Your kids' friend has already been in trouble before. Teachers aren't dumb. They know things, hear things, and see things. Just because it's not publicized doesn't mean it doesn't exist. If there's one thing I've noticed, its that issues will be minimized if folks really want them to be.      

It's not quite the same, but I teach, but not in the public schools. I can peg, in about 10 minutes if the folks will become my clients. I can also pretty much start to call it when the kids are losing interest in the instrument and quit. Even though parents don't tell me the writing is on the wall, I know it's there, sometimes even 6 months before it happens. I can also start to tell, with some of my students, the ones that are going to be successful in life and the ones that aren't. I didn't get like this overnight, but it is possible to develop some intuitive sense from experience.

If the teachers in your kids' school aren't present enough to pick up on what's up with their students, I'd be wanting some new teachers. It isn't THAT hard to pick up on small shifts in normal student behaviors with the kids or to notice that a kid's behavior is getting worse...
 

His parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce and there are a lot of other issues surrounding that.  No way even the best Spidey sense is going to let a teacher know if Al's trouble is a result of that or not taking his meds.

[raeoflyte]

Apr 14, 2014 15:09:55 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:58:55 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

It's not a matter of being afraid of bullies or letting 'criminals hold you hostage' it's about being smart about how it's handled.  Parents don't directly have to deal with the repercussions while kids are the ones that spend most of their week at school facing other kids.  This isn't an after school special where the kid tells a teacher, some other kid gets in trouble and everyone else respects the kid who told for it.  A lot of kids won't care but some of those other kids are going to make your life hell whether it's physical or verbal abuse or flat out making you feel uncomfortable walking around campus.  That will happen at any school like the private school I went to that a bunch of my friends stayed at through middle school or at a public HS like the one we all ended up at together.  In the grand scheme of things we all know none of that matters once you're older but if you ever hated going to school for any reason related to other kids giving you a hard time you'd know that's hell.        

You guys have a really, really warped society. Situations where kids are in danger from drug dealers or others in their school are the exception, not the rule in my city.

I'd say its the exception in mine too, until you start adding things like being "the rat".  People who deal/use drugs aren't always known for the levelheadedness and add in the fact that these are 14 year olds I think its important to explore where each road is likely to lead.  

(and I don't think that T is a rat, and am very impressed that he felt like he can go to Milee with something like this, but just stating how Al and his friends/buyers will look at the situation).  

I think I'd go the anonymous tip to the school route.  It would suck if they kick him out without investigating and it sounds like that is a real possibility, but that seems like the best option that might cause enough consequences to get Al and his mom to wake up.  

[whoisjohngalt]

Apr 14, 2014 12:32:55 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 14, 2014 12:19:46 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Because the Mom won't believe it anyway I would stay out of it. Telling her isn't going to solve the problem so why potentially put your son in harm's way?

That in a nutshell.

Telling the school hadn't even occurred to me because the probable consequences (Al is kicked out and T is outed as the rat) are so high for something that is just - as far as I know - a rumor. Again, if I were the parent, I'd want my friend to tell me not blow my kid out of school. But I'd also keep the identity of the snitch secret and would take some actions, so I know it's not the same.

That only works if you are the kind of parent who would take this information seriously.  If you are the kind of parent like Jen, who thinks everyone is out to get her son - well, I doubt it will have the same effect

[milee]

Apr 14, 2014 15:09:55 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Apr 14, 2014 14:58:55 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

It's not a matter of being afraid of bullies or letting 'criminals hold you hostage' it's about being smart about how it's handled.  Parents don't directly have to deal with the repercussions while kids are the ones that spend most of their week at school facing other kids.  This isn't an after school special where the kid tells a teacher, some other kid gets in trouble and everyone else respects the kid who told for it.  A lot of kids won't care but some of those other kids are going to make your life hell whether it's physical or verbal abuse or flat out making you feel uncomfortable walking around campus.  That will happen at any school like the private school I went to that a bunch of my friends stayed at through middle school or at a public HS like the one we all ended up at together.  In the grand scheme of things we all know none of that matters once you're older but if you ever hated going to school for any reason related to other kids giving you a hard time you'd know that's hell.        

You guys have a really, really warped society. Situations where kids are in danger from drug dealers or others in their school are the exception, not the rule in my city.

I'm not defending our society, but it's where we live and I need to be realistic about how it works.

A couple of years ago, one of the male teachers had an inappropriate sexual relationship with a 16 year old female student. The teacher lost his job but the student also ended up having to leave the school because the rumors and shaming were so bad. I phrased the incident in the way it would be classified legally, but most of the students and parents described it as "that little whore tempted our favorite teacher!" or "the teacher had an affair with a student" or "that slut got Mr ___ fired!"

If Al is kicked out, I'm not sure that other parents wouldn't be a little relieved, but depending on which little darlings Al has been selling to, there could be a similar backlash against T.

[milee]

Apr 14, 2014 15:45:39 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

I think it's great that your son shared this with you but my guess would be that he knows more than he's telling and this is probably more solid than a rumor.  Sometimes kids test the waters by sharing bits of information, especially with something this loaded.

Yeah, I think that, too. Especially since it appears he's been mulling it over for almost a week.  If he'd just stumbled off the bus and in front of the younger son and DH blurted out something he'd just heard, then I'd think he was just passing on gossip or even tattling a sensational story.  But the fact that he thought about it for a long time and talked to me about it privately indicates he's worried about Al and wants help finding a solution.    

More complications. If I pass the info along to Jen or the school, it's likely that T is outed and may reap negative consequences. If I do nothing, my kid may think it's not worth talking to me about things because I do nothing with what he tells me.

Don't know. Will know more of what he's thinking tonight when we talk. After the younger booger is asleep, after T's shower and right before bed when he's drowsy and comfy is a good time to talk I've found.

[mmhmm]

Apr 14, 2014 15:53:22 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 14, 2014 15:45:39 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

I think it's great that your son shared this with you but my guess would be that he knows more than he's telling and this is probably more solid than a rumor.  Sometimes kids test the waters by sharing bits of information, especially with something this loaded.

Yeah, I think that, too. Especially since it appears he's been mulling it over for almost a week.  If he'd just stumbled off the bus and in front of the younger son and DH blurted out something he'd just heard, then I'd think he was just passing on gossip or even tattling a sensational story.  But the fact that he thought about it for a long time and talked to me about it privately indicates he's worried about Al and wants help finding a solution.    

More complications. If I pass the info along to Jen or the school, it's likely that T is outed and may reap negative consequences. If I do nothing, my kid may think it's not worth talking to me about things because I do nothing with what he tells me.

Don't know. Will know more of what he's thinking tonight when we talk. After the younger booger is asleep, after T's shower and right before bed when he's drowsy and comfy is a good time to talk I've found.

I think talking it over with your boy is a really good idea.  It lets him know you've got his back and his thoughts/opinion are valued.  I'm tending toward the anonymous report to the school authorities, at this point; especially, if there's nobody among that group you feel can be trusted to keep your son's name (and yours) out of it. I'd definitely float that option as one he could consider.  Whatever you decide, good luck! This really is a difficult situation and your son has shown real maturity by bringing it to you.  He (and you) should be very proud.