midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 14, 2014 16:01:09 GMT -5
I'm not sure if it's been suggested, and I know next to nothing about dealing with older kids and teenagers, but would it be possible for you to just be upfront with T? Tell him that you're glad that he can come to you with this type of problem, but you're afraid of backlash against him if you go to Jen and/or the school?
Does he want you to go to Jen because he thinks she will be able to stop Al? Does he just think that, as his mother, she should know? Is he worried about Al getting into trouble? Does he WANT Al to get into trouble in the hope that it will put him on the right path? Is he worried about other kids at school getting hurt by taking the drugs? Or is he just scared and confused, and telling you because he doesn't know what to do? Knowing more about what he wants or what his goal was in wanting you to tell Jen might give you a little better idea of how to handle it.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 16:13:15 GMT -5
Yeah, I think that, too. Especially since it appears he's been mulling it over for almost a week. If he'd just stumbled off the bus and in front of the younger son and DH blurted out something he'd just heard, then I'd think he was just passing on gossip or even tattling a sensational story. But the fact that he thought about it for a long time and talked to me about it privately indicates he's worried about Al and wants help finding a solution.
More complications. If I pass the info along to Jen or the school, it's likely that T is outed and may reap negative consequences. If I do nothing, my kid may think it's not worth talking to me about things because I do nothing with what he tells me.
Don't know. Will know more of what he's thinking tonight when we talk. After the younger booger is asleep, after T's shower and right before bed when he's drowsy and comfy is a good time to talk I've found.
I think talking it over with your boy is a really good idea. It lets him know you've got his back and his thoughts/opinion are valued. I'm tending toward the anonymous report to the school authorities, at this point; especially, if there's nobody among that group you feel can be trusted to keep your son's name (and yours) out of it. I'd definitely float that option as one he could consider. Whatever you decide, good luck! This really is a difficult situation and your son has shown real maturity by bringing it to you. He (and you) should be very proud. I'm very proud of him. And the school is very proud of him. He went from being a kid who didn't work hard and had behavior issues (as recently as 3 years ago) to now being one of the most advanced students who is well respected by the admins and the other kids now. He's a good egg; and he's worked really hard to get to where he is.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 16:18:24 GMT -5
I'm not sure if it's been suggested, and I know next to nothing about dealing with older kids and teenagers, but would it be possible for you to just be upfront with T? Tell him that you're glad that he can come to you with this type of problem, but you're afraid of backlash against him if you go to Jen and/or the school? Does he want you to go to Jen because he thinks she will be able to stop Al? Does he just think that, as his mother, she should know? Is he worried about Al getting into trouble? Does he WANT Al to get into trouble in the hope that it will put him on the right path? Is he worried about other kids at school getting hurt by taking the drugs? Or is he just scared and confused, and telling you because he doesn't know what to do? Knowing more about what he wants or what his goal was in wanting you to tell Jen might give you a little better idea of how to handle it. Yes, I can definitely talk to him about what things might happen if I go to Jen and/or the school. It's something we'll talk about tonight.
My guess is that these are some of the things he's thinking given our brief talk this morning: 1) Selling drugs is really serious (he used the term "felony") so this is more than just a school issue. 2) He likes Al and doesn't want Al to get in trouble but wants Al to stop. Doesn't know how to make Al stop. 3) Moms are more powerful and love you more than the police so telling a mom would be the best way to get Al to stop, have him be seriously punished and set straight, yet not have Al arrested.
Hopefully I'll know more after our talk. He's home now but playing it cool because the younger brother is around.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Apr 14, 2014 16:28:51 GMT -5
Do you have an anonymous drug tip hotline in your area? Selling prescription drugs is a fairly serious offense here. If this is true and he were caught and charged, he just might be forced to get the help he needs - regardless of his mother insisting on living in a state of denial.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2014 16:35:31 GMT -5
I would probably rely on your kid telling you how he’d like to handle and maybe walk him through the options. Personally, if this means my kid would potentially be ridiculed for ratting on someone, I’d probably just let it play out a bit. I knew a lot of kids that got into trouble when I was younger and I didn’t feel the obligation to get involved and tell anyone, but if he’s friends with him then maybe the tug is a little stronger.
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sunshinegal1981
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Post by sunshinegal1981 on Apr 14, 2014 18:17:59 GMT -5
HOw old is T? I don't remember. What does T want you to do? Maybe sit down with T and discuss all the options you guys can thing of, plus the probably outcomes and see what T thinks is the correct thing to do? T's 14, as is Al. T just told me this morning. Just as I was dropping off the boys at school, T asked if I could drop the little guy first and then sit with him in the parking lot for a minute. He told me then. I did ask what he thinks I should do and he said he would like it if I could tell Jen but keep it secret that he was the one that told me. We talked for only a few more minutes and then it was time for school. I hugged him, thanked him for telling me and told him that we should both think about it today and talk more tonight, that I would not tell anyone until we talked more. He seemed OK and a little relieved. You sound like an AMAZING mom, and I am feverishly taking notes for when I have kids/teens of my own. If my parents had had half the communication skills that you do, our family would have been spared a lot of grief during my teen years and beyond. So thank you, from someone who gets to share the planet with the awesome person that your son will become as a result of your parenting. That's all.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 14, 2014 18:20:48 GMT -5
Given the situation with "Jen" I would probably just keep it to myself. It sounds like by telling "Al's" mother you'd be making things worse for your son and it wouldn't accomplish anything to boot.
If it's happening at school I'd inform the school officials, and tell them to keep it quiet. But other than that, it's not really your problem.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 14, 2014 18:46:10 GMT -5
T's 14, as is Al. T just told me this morning. Just as I was dropping off the boys at school, T asked if I could drop the little guy first and then sit with him in the parking lot for a minute. He told me then. I did ask what he thinks I should do and he said he would like it if I could tell Jen but keep it secret that he was the one that told me. We talked for only a few more minutes and then it was time for school. I hugged him, thanked him for telling me and told him that we should both think about it today and talk more tonight, that I would not tell anyone until we talked more. He seemed OK and a little relieved. You sound like an AMAZING mom, and I am feverishly taking notes for when I have kids/teens of my own. If my parents had had half the communication skills that you do, our family would have been spared a lot of grief during my teen years and beyond. So thank you, from someone who gets to share the planet with the awesome person that your son will become as a result of your parenting. That's all. Thanks for the kind words. Parenting is not easy and I'm trying really hard to be a good mom.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 15, 2014 4:37:41 GMT -5
Partial update.
T and I didn't get to talk more last night about this. He seemed happy and relaxed but not ready to talk and we agreed to try again the next night after little brother is asleep.
Meantime, I did get to talk to a child Psychologist who I respect, who works closely with the schools and who has helped us with T in the past so knows all the players. She was very happy that T came to me with this and had some good suggestions on what to do. She recommended that I not discuss this with Jen and given how small this community is, there's a good chance she even knows Jen or has heard about Al through the school or other clients. Surprisingly enough, she also recommended that we not discuss this with the school either. The determining factor was that T didn't have first hand knowledge and was just the recipient of a rumor; if T had first hand knowledge of this, her recommendation would be to go to the school. But as it is, she feels that there's a good chance that the school will disclose (even accidentally) that T made the report, putting him at risk. She thinks protecting T at this time is more important than passing along a rumor and that the schools don't do a good job with investigations of this type, especially since there's no evidence or witnesses. She also thinks that it's the responsibility of one of the other kids who saw it or knows about it directly from one of the participants to report it to the school.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Apr 15, 2014 6:04:43 GMT -5
This is so prevalent in schools today. My 19 year old son told us everything and if we had run in to report or called parents, nothing would have changed except the fact that he would have stopped talking to us. We used those conversations as teaching moments. Now if he would have told me he saw a kid in the bathroom with a needle in his arm, I would have called the school. My advice is definitely to hang tight for awhile.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 15, 2014 7:48:43 GMT -5
Keep on keeping your kid away from her kid and you stay away from her as well. Sad but you and your kid come first.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2014 8:14:32 GMT -5
Getting the kid kicked out seems like it would be best for everyone involved. And by everyone, I mean you and your son. Maybe, but I'm not sure I'm willing to do that based on a rumor.
And I do care about this kid and of course my friend and getting the kid kicked out is a pretty harsh thing to do. If he's kicked out of this magnet school, he'll be in a large, not-well performing public school where he'll have much more access to drugs and kids who will buy them. Plus, his chances of going to a good college are much better if he can stay at this school. Getting kicked out could be a very big deal.
Schools don't quietly intervene. Once they become aware of the rumor, they will pull every kid that might know something in & once confirmed they will have the kid arrested for dealing. I would send the mom an anonymous typed letter whether she wants to know or not. At least she will be told there is a rumor going around and has the opportunity to intervene if she gets her head screwed on. I have not read the whole thread, so will continue on & see what happened now
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2014 8:51:57 GMT -5
If the school knows that your kid had/has a relationship with Al he will be pulled it to be interviewed, especially since he is now perceived to be a good kid. I would agree with the counselor friend that schools do this badly. They will violate your students rights to get the information they want. Not unheard of for a student to be kept in the offices for hours being grilled (saw this happen at 2 different schools locally).
You need to prep him in case he does get pulled in and very high pressure put on him. One kid that was pulled in and not cooperative with narcing on the offender was treated very improperly. They started accusing him of shooting up drugs, made him pull up his shirt, brought in the nurse to inspect under his fingernails. All done for intimidation purposes. The principal was a complete idiot and got the district into a lot of trouble.
You should coach your child in case this happens. 'I don't hang out with Al anymore so I have not seen him do anything'. If they press on, then it goes to 'I would like my parent present for this questioning' repeated ad nauseum until they call you.
The other kids know who has been pulled in and they will rumor who the narc is even if they don't know.
Good Luck. This isn't going to play out well even if someone else turns in the kid.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Apr 15, 2014 9:29:54 GMT -5
Do you have an anonymous drug tip hotline in your area? Selling prescription drugs is a fairly serious offense here. If this is true and he were caught and charged, he just might be forced to get the help he needs - regardless of his mother insisting on living in a state of denial. I was thinking something similar to this but doing it from the other angle. I would tip them off to the buyers names. And I wouldn't say it is a rumor. You know it is happening. Just tell the authorities that these kids are buying drugs at school and let them tell the authorities who sold the drugs to them. As much as every teen says they would "never nark" the reality is that almost every one of them will as soon as they are caught. I guess it is a not wanting to be the only one to suffer type of thing. If you anonymously tip off the police about the buyers do you think that would somehow get back to your son?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 15, 2014 10:10:27 GMT -5
Out of curiousity, how do you feel about the consequences of unchecked drug dealing at your son'ts school? A little horrified.
And again, if I knew there really was drug dealing - instead of just the rumor of drug dealing - my reaction would be different. That's part of what makes it tough, the unknown.
There are drug dealers in every school, let's take of pink glasses. However one thing is to know who it is and another - not to. So if you know - report. Help police and school to prevent even 1 child from getting drugs and you will be seeing pearly gates instead of hell's kitchen.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 15, 2014 10:24:21 GMT -5
This is so prevalent in schools today. My 19 year old son told us everything and if we had run in to report or called parents, nothing would have changed except the fact that he would have stopped talking to us. We used those conversations as teaching moments. Now if he would have told me he saw a kid in the bathroom with a needle in his arm, I would have called the school. My advice is definitely to hang tight for awhile. We were told everything by DD as well, however I would always ask 'what do you think we should be doing about it' and she had NEVER said 'nothing'. She would always ask what do we think would be the best and how is that should be done. So I know I had not raised a person who don't give a damn. Kid has to know that parents will never rat him/her out but if they told us it means they screaming for help and not nesessarily help for them, they are afraid for their friends. We are adults and we should not overlook children (if we can) even if they are not our own.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 15, 2014 10:37:22 GMT -5
You should do the scared straight thing with Al. Tell him that if he wants to be a drug dealer, he should be around REAL drug dealers. Then drop him off in Mexico. Problem solved.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 15, 2014 10:41:34 GMT -5
You should do the scared straight thing with Al. Tell him that if he wants to be a drug dealer, he should be around REAL drug dealers. Then drop him off in Mexico. Problem solved. Are you up to a 'dropping in Mexico' since you are a man and OP is a woman and it was your idea...
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 15, 2014 10:57:43 GMT -5
You should do the scared straight thing with Al. Tell him that if he wants to be a drug dealer, he should be around REAL drug dealers. Then drop him off in Mexico. Problem solved. Are you up to a 'dropping in Mexico' since you are a man and OP is a woman and it was your idea... Could always ship him to Mexico instead. Just be sure to cut air holes in the crate. Or not. Sounds like Al is a lost cause.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Apr 15, 2014 10:59:10 GMT -5
I've been giving this thread a lot of thought.
Part of me thinks your psychologist is right and to put your son first. If it's going to damage your son's trust with you or put him in potential danger I'd be hesitant to say anything. But there's another part that wonders if as a human being you don't have a responsibility to protect those around you.
Why I'd speak up: Had it not been for the events at my son's school a month ago I'd have been firmly in the keep it to yourself club. Approximately a month ago we had two young people die from drug overdoses. One of the girls was a 17 year old at DS' school. Her boyfriend (also a student) re-sold her the drugs that he had purchased from a local 14 year old. It was a synthetic form of acid and she pretty much immediately started convulsing. Her mom worked overnights and the boyfriend freaked out. He finally called a friend who came over with his grandma. The three of them sat around trying to decide what to do for HOURS while this girl basically slowly died. They finally called an ambulance the next morning but by the time they got her to the ER it was too late. Her mom came back from her overnight shift to find an ambulance in her driveway. In this case if at any point in time one of those three people had called 911 that girl would most likely be alive. Now the boyfriend, the drug dealer and half a dozen other people associated with the mfg and distribution of that drug are in jail.
That's the kind of thing that scares me. Granted it's a big leap but it's what happened in my town in Podunk Minnesota.
Why I'd keep my mouth shut: Years ago my cousins were best friends. When they were in 9th or 10th grade they started dabbling in eating disorders. The one (H) quit and told her mom what was going on but begged her not to tell A's mom. A's mom grew concerned about her daughter and asked her SIL "Has H said anything about A? I'm really worried she's become anorexic" My aunt looked right at her and said "Nope, H hasn't said a thing. I'm sure everything is fine". It wasn't and by the time they got A to open up and got her some help she weighed around 80 lbs (she's 5'10" tall). She was hospitalized and put in a lock down facility several times and struggled for years with her eating disorder. She's now in her 30's and much healthier but the whole thing did a lot of damage. In the end the two cousins stopped speaking to each other and my aunts were estranged. The entire family took sides and many people were pissed that H's mom didn't speak up when she knew there was a problem. It's been over 15 years and the fracture in the family is still there. The cousins get along again but A's mom has never forgiven H's mom.
Use this as a teaching moment with your son. Explain to him why you've encouraged him to make friends outside of T.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 15, 2014 11:39:59 GMT -5
Partial update.
T and I didn't get to talk more last night about this. He seemed happy and relaxed but not ready to talk and we agreed to try again the next night after little brother is asleep.
Meantime, I did get to talk to a child Psychologist who I respect, who works closely with the schools and who has helped us with T in the past so knows all the players. She was very happy that T came to me with this and had some good suggestions on what to do. She recommended that I not discuss this with Jen and given how small this community is, there's a good chance she even knows Jen or has heard about Al through the school or other clients. Surprisingly enough, she also recommended that we not discuss this with the school either. The determining factor was that T didn't have first hand knowledge and was just the recipient of a rumor; if T had first hand knowledge of this, her recommendation would be to go to the school. But as it is, she feels that there's a good chance that the school will disclose (even accidentally) that T made the report, putting him at risk. She thinks protecting T at this time is more important than passing along a rumor and that the schools don't do a good job with investigations of this type, especially since there's no evidence or witnesses. She also thinks that it's the responsibility of one of the other kids who saw it or knows about it directly from one of the participants to report it to the school. I KNOW I missed my calling, bc believe it or not, I would have suggested the exact same thing. The ONLY caveat is that I might try to do something to put your son's mind at ease. and it breaks my heart in a way, bc not telling would mean that there is another kid who is not being helped, but I don't trust people and I don't trust parents and i would be too concern for what would happen to my kid. And wrong or not, my first priority will ALWAYS be MY kid.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2014 18:33:14 GMT -5
I think your psychologist friend is dead-on. It is a rumor. It is actually a good teaching moment to talk to your son about rumors. You really can't act on them without proof no matter how much you may want to.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2014 19:13:10 GMT -5
Out of curiousity, how do you feel about the consequences of unchecked drug dealing at your son'ts school? Oh bloody hell, every school has drug dealing in the US. Public, private, rich, poor, they all have them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2014 21:11:35 GMT -5
Out of curiousity, how do you feel about the consequences of unchecked drug dealing at your son'ts school? Oh bloody hell, every school has drug dealing in the US. Public, private, rich, poor, they all have them. The better schools at least pretend to try to stop it.
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