Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Apr 11, 2014 10:36:02 GMT -5
He thinks he's on the Asperger's spectrum and has trouble picking up on the social clues (aka probably not very good at flirting). If he's in an environment with a lot of introverts it's going to be tough.
In a case like his it might be helpful to enlist the help of someone who acts as a kind of unofficial "matchmaker"; e.g. a trusted family member, married friend et cetera.
ETA: or YM-OT!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 10:42:39 GMT -5
Pheonix... I don't know if i've suggested this already, but have you looked at dating people who aren't originally from America? I'm not talking mail order bride stuff, but I know my husband and i attribute some of our success to being able to 'write off' some of our idiosyncratic characteristics as Oh 'you Americans/you Romanians' ...
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 11, 2014 10:42:58 GMT -5
As I see it, if all parties are aware and in agreement, no cheating is occurring. If, however, any one party is not aware or not in agreement, there are no reasons. There are only excuses. MOO
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 11, 2014 11:28:26 GMT -5
I thought on TV, all you had to do to get people to fall back in love with each other is have their buddies recreate the conditions in which they fell in love in the first place. LOL! I'm starting to see why you are single. You think TV is real. (Yes, I thought you were kidding too) POM, I was kidding.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 11, 2014 11:32:24 GMT -5
I've both cheated and been the other woman. I cheated as a way to get out (lots of therapy later leads me to this conclusion). It's actually fairly common since cheating is a way that people don't judge for getting out. Especially abusive situations (which I was getting out of, but has more of the self esteem stuff in it). The other women stuff- most just wanted their cake and to eat it too (some with permission, some without). One was another coward thing, but I feel bad for him. What do you mean people won't judge you for using cheating as a "way out?" I would think it would be the opposite, that others would judge a cheater more harshly than someone who "got out" by other means.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 11, 2014 11:37:44 GMT -5
Pheonix... I don't know if i've suggested this already, but have you looked at dating people who aren't originally from America? I'm not talking mail order bride stuff, but I know my husband and i attribute some of our success to being able to 'write off' some of our idiosyncratic characteristics as Oh 'you Americans/you Romanians' ... I would consider it, though I'm not sure how one would meet folks from other countries. Actually the last date I went on was with a young lady from some easter European country that usaed to be under the Soviet Union. I forget which one now, this was about six months ago. Anyway, it was pretty interesting to hear her describe her childhood of growing up under the soviets.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 11:38:06 GMT -5
Pheonix... I don't know if i've suggested this already, but have you looked at dating people who aren't originally from America? I'm not talking mail order bride stuff, but I know my husband and i attribute some of our success to being able to 'write off' some of our idiosyncratic characteristics as Oh 'you Americans/you Romanians' ... I would consider it, though I'm not sure how one would meet folks from other countries. Actually the last date I went on was with a young lady from some easter European country that usaed to be under the Soviet Union. I forget which one now, this was about six months ago. Anyway, it was pretty interesting to hear her describe her childhood of growing up under the soviets. That was Tloony.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 11:56:50 GMT -5
And yes... DH knows exactly how I feel about it. So if he can't getting all his emotional needs met with you his choices are; stay miserable, get a divorce, or cheat. Staying miserable is torture. He loves you, you're a great partner and mother and it isn't like there is another woman out there who can fill all his needs so a divorce doesn't make anything better. And you won't agree to an open marriage. So he gambles that you won't find out about the affair and he has a shot at contentment.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 12:01:20 GMT -5
And yes... DH knows exactly how I feel about it. So if he can't getting all his emotional needs met with you his choices are; stay miserable, get a divorce, or cheat. Staying miserable is torture. He loves you, you're a great partner and mother and it isn't like there is another woman out there who can fill all his needs so a divorce doesn't make anything better. And you won't agree to an open marriage. So he gambles that you won't find out about the affair and he has a shot at contentment. Or...he acts like an adult and lets his wife know what needs aren't being met so they can address them as a couple. Cheating is not the answer
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Apr 11, 2014 12:06:07 GMT -5
Is cheating even about the sex? I think most people cheat for emotional reasons - not physical ones.
PS: If this has already been covered - sorry. I haven't read the whole thing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 12:07:16 GMT -5
Is cheating even about the sex? I think most people cheat for emotional reasons - not physical ones.
PS: If this has already been covered - sorry. I haven't read the whole thing. For the guy it is about the sex. Not sure about women.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Apr 11, 2014 12:09:36 GMT -5
LOL! I see. I know nothing about men so I will obviously bow to your greater knowledge.
The thing is, a man can get just sex with his wife (in most cases). If it's just sex, why bother chancing the consequences of cheating. It's just got to be more than that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 12:14:03 GMT -5
So if he can't getting all his emotional needs met with you his choices are; stay miserable, get a divorce, or cheat. Staying miserable is torture. He loves you, you're a great partner and mother and it isn't like there is another woman out there who can fill all his needs so a divorce doesn't make anything better. And you won't agree to an open marriage. So he gambles that you won't find out about the affair and he has a shot at contentment. Or...he acts like an adult and lets his wife know what needs aren't being met so they can address them as a couple. Cheating is not the answer Some people think the part where he sticks around to raise his children and fulfil those responsibilities is the adult thing. Or not asking his wife to become someone she isn't just to appease him is the adult thing. And for some people it is the answer. I know a couple of women that are very happy with their lives and proud of not being divorced that are blissfully unaware of the part that another woman plays in their husbands not getting a divorce or being totally miserable to live with.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 12:15:44 GMT -5
And I'm not the other woman
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 12:17:33 GMT -5
Or...he acts like an adult and lets his wife know what needs aren't being met so they can address them as a couple. Cheating is not the answer Some people think the part where he sticks around to raise his children and fulfil those responsibilities is the adult thing. Or not asking his wife to become someone she isn't just to appease him is the adult thing. And for some people it is the answer. I know a couple of women that are very happy with their lives and proud of not being divorced that are blissfully unaware of the part that another woman plays in their husbands not getting a divorce or being totally miserable to live with. I would not want my husband to stick around for the kids or to fulfill his responsibilities. I don't need to be married (I can support myself and my kids without a dime from my husband). If he is only around to fulfill his responsibilities I would rather him just leave
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Apr 11, 2014 12:20:56 GMT -5
Is is required that absolutely every single need every single person has is met? It's my opinion that most "needs" are actually "wants", but for the sake of this discussion, I'll use "needs".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 12:21:35 GMT -5
Some people think the part where he sticks around to raise his children and fulfil those responsibilities is the adult thing. Or not asking his wife to become someone she isn't just to appease him is the adult thing. And for some people it is the answer. I know a couple of women that are very happy with their lives and proud of not being divorced that are blissfully unaware of the part that another woman plays in their husbands not getting a divorce or being totally miserable to live with. I would not want my husband to stick around for the kids or to fulfill his responsibilities. I don't need to be married (I can support myself and my kids without a dime from my husband). If he is only around to fulfill his responsibilities I would rather him just leave Your husband would be too scared of you to ever think of leaving.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 11, 2014 12:22:37 GMT -5
So if he can't getting all his emotional needs met with you his choices are; stay miserable, get a divorce, or cheat. Staying miserable is torture. He loves you, you're a great partner and mother and it isn't like there is another woman out there who can fill all his needs so a divorce doesn't make anything better. And you won't agree to an open marriage. So he gambles that you won't find out about the affair and he has a shot at contentment. Or...he acts like an adult and lets his wife know what needs aren't being met so they can address them as a couple. Cheating is not the answer Maybe my need is to have sex with other women, I can address those needs myself and my wife certainly can't meet those needs.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Apr 11, 2014 12:23:17 GMT -5
LOL! I see. I know nothing about men so I will obviously bow to your greater knowledge. The thing is, a man can get just sex with his wife (in most cases). If it's just sex, why bother chancing the consequences of cheating. It's just got to be more than that. Because the same old same old gets boring.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 11, 2014 12:24:52 GMT -5
proud of not being divorced that are blissfully unaware of the part that another woman plays in their husbands not getting a divorce or being totally miserable to live with
So they're clueless their husbands are cheating. If they were made aware their husbands are cheating would they tell you "Oh that's okay I just want him to be happy?"
If my husband doesn't respect me enough to bring his problems to me and instead finds another woman to boink b/c it is "easier" then he doesn't deserve to be married to me. If he's adult enough to enter in a binding legal contract with me than he should be adult enough to discuss issues with me before they result in cheating.
If we can't resolve it then do me a favor and leave. I'm not going to have an open marriage so he can have his cake and eat it too. He can go sleep around as much as he wants as a newly minted bachelor.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 12:25:18 GMT -5
Or...he acts like an adult and lets his wife know what needs aren't being met so they can address them as a couple. Cheating is not the answer Maybe my need is to have sex with other women, I can address those needs myself and my wife certainly can't meet those needs. Then you shouldn't be married...or else you need to find a wife who is willing to have an open marriage
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 11, 2014 12:26:15 GMT -5
I can address those needs myself and my wife certainly can't meet those needs.I take it your wife's not a swinger then.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 11, 2014 12:29:25 GMT -5
Maybe my need is to have sex with other women, I can address those needs myself and my wife certainly can't meet those needs. Then you shouldn't be married...or else you need to find a wife who is willing to have an open marriage The premise I was responding to was someone actually married though, with the options of stay miserable, get a divorce, or cheat. And a wife who wasn't amenable to an open marriage. Your suggestion was to be an adult and talk to his wife about his needs so they can address them as a couple. I'm pointing out that his needs may be wholly separate from anything she has the power to help with. That means the option you suggested is really just advising him to stay miserable or divorce.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 12:31:05 GMT -5
Then you shouldn't be married...or else you need to find a wife who is willing to have an open marriage The premise I was responding to was someone actually married though, with the options of stay miserable, get a divorce, or cheat. And a wife who wasn't amenable to an open marriage. Your suggestion was to be an adult and talk to his wife about his needs so they can address them as a couple. I'm pointing out that his needs may be wholly separate from anything she has the power to help with. That means the option you suggested is really just advising him to stay miserable or divorce. If I were the wife then yes, I would want my husband to divorce me.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Apr 11, 2014 12:31:02 GMT -5
...ime, why people cheat is usually a "sins of the flesh" issue or rebellion... why people stay when betrayed is often about commitment/self-control and loyalty... the mirror image of each other... fwiw...
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 11, 2014 12:37:26 GMT -5
I would think most people that aren't satisfied with one romantic person in their life would know well before they entered into a marriage. Probably from cheating on previous relationships and the like. As such, they shouldn't enter a monogamous marriage with someone and then flip the script. I wouldn't think there's a lot of people suddenly deciding 5 years into marriage that they like boinking several people at a time - with the exception of someone whose spouse has stopped all the boinking.
The only way you can/should go around unilaterally changing terms is by ripping the whole thing up (divorce). Everything else should be renegotiated. You can say that sucks for the person that wants to sleep around but their spouse says no - but I think most people would think it's a horrible thing for a wife to stop taking BC to have a kid without telling the husband because he's said no. I view it as the same thing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 12:38:35 GMT -5
And yes... DH knows exactly how I feel about it. So if he can't getting all his emotional needs met with you his choices are; stay miserable, get a divorce, or cheat. Staying miserable is torture. He loves you, you're a great partner and mother and it isn't like there is another woman out there who can fill all his needs so a divorce doesn't make anything better. And you won't agree to an open marriage. So he gambles that you won't find out about the affair and he has a shot at contentment.Just my opinions: The way I see partnership, it's a matter of quality over quantity. When bad stuff happens, I want someone by my side who I absolutely trust, and who has accepted my lines in the sand, just as I did for them. 3 guys who could "get fulfilled" by me and vice versa, but who would risk hurting me in the worst ways possible are not actual friends in my assessments, let alone partner material worthy of trust with potentially my life. I could be around them, but I would keep shields up around them, and never trust them with critical matters. That's just basic logic in my mind. Honestly, I am very curious about sleeping with other people, since my drive is high, my strike zone is very wide, and DH is the only person I've ever slept with. But sleeping with another man would hurt DH the worst. Absolute worst. So I thought carefully before committing to marriage, because as a friend, and partner, I will respect his lines in the sand, just as he respects mine. What would hurt me the absolute most is different, since we're very different people and I'm quirky. But he knows what it is, and has accepted it as a part of being friends and partners with me. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in good matches as far as various required level of loyalty, desires and ability to respect each other's wounds and wishes. Just like friends. They might come and go, but being upfront and honest a good, adult stance. DH and I may split up in the future, who knows? But I will not sneak around behind his back, risking wounding him horribly, having fun at his expense while saying "I'm doing it for us, I need to be fulfilled." DH is gone for months at a time right now for work. I have the easy opportunity and hormonal drive to "fulfill myself" at DH's expense. But I won't, because I really like DH, and want him to always trust me like I trust him. If need be later, we'll change course or hash stuff out, or at absolute worst, dissolve the partnership. But IMO, at it's basic level, a partner is an excellent friend, and and to qualify for that, someone can't be secretly doing the things that would absolutely crush the other. Secretly doing stuff like that is just using another, hoping not to get caught. Not friendship. Asking honestly: You've told someone you're with what would cut you to the core. It could be anything. People are varied. But you've let them know. Then they do it in secret anyway, saying to themselves "I'm doing it because I love you." Would you be fine with that situation? I'd personally call that BS, myself.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 11, 2014 12:40:23 GMT -5
The premise I was responding to was someone actually married though, with the options of stay miserable, get a divorce, or cheat. And a wife who wasn't amenable to an open marriage. Your suggestion was to be an adult and talk to his wife about his needs so they can address them as a couple. I'm pointing out that his needs may be wholly separate from anything she has the power to help with. That means the option you suggested is really just advising him to stay miserable or divorce. If I were the wife then yes, I would want my husband to divorce me. I understand. I'm just saying that this is why they'd risk it. There may not be that magical 4th option of just talking it out to get your needs met. If the guy doesn't want a divorce, and doesn't want to stay miserable, then it is in his best interest to just take the risk that he wont' be caught. It's selfish. It's just a better plan for the potential cheater than talking out a situation that the other person can't help meet his needs and which he cannot otherwise get what he wants.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 12:40:26 GMT -5
And I'm not the other woman Clearly you are the serial cheater.. Have we met? I'm the one that gets divorced! But it could be the woman that is cheating. There is also the case where the one spouse doesn't want to fill a particular need. The way the morality is set up now the other spouse is supposed to just accept a life without that particular thing. Ie losing interest in sex or being emotionally supportive of their goals and ambitions. You have effectively given one spouse the power to hold the other one hostage.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 11, 2014 12:45:19 GMT -5
You have effectively given one spouse the power to hold the other one hostage.
The spouse is free to divorce and find someone who will give them the things that are important to them.
People are imperfect, you are never going to find the "perfect" soul mate. Everyone has their deal breakers. If your spouse violates one then you need to decide if the marriage is worth saving or not.
You don't go out and find other people to sleep with and then try to claim you're doing it for the good of your marriage. No you're being a selfish ass and doing some clever mental gymnastics to justify it.
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