Bob Ross
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 14:48:03 GMT -5
Posts: 5,883
|
Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 12:09:29 GMT -5
"Hypothetical"...yeah right. Anyways, let's say your spouse hates their job and wants to get a new one. The stress level of their current job is causing health issues along lines of weight loss, nausea, headaches, and general angst and depression, but nothing uber-serious enough to give a doctor major concern (doc says "find less stressful job"). Home life is paying the price to be expected with such a situation. Also assume you keep separate bank accounts and finances. Would you... A) Tell spouse to find new job before quitting the current one. Risks: this will probably take a while, given time & effort spent on job search, and availability of appropriate new jobs. Also your home life will continue to suffer, and perhaps deteriorate, in the meantime. B) Tell spouse they can quit, but will still be responsible for their share of the bills and expenses from their savings. Risks: Their job stress will be replaced with a new stress...a.k.a. find a job before their money runs out. Your stress will be replaced with a new stress...a.k.a. taking over all of the finances if they can't find a new job in time. C) Tell spouse they can quit, and that you will take over all of the finances until a new job is found (because your income & savings are high enough that you technically can, although it won't be pleasant) and allow them to leave their more meager savings intact until a new job is found (but again, that could take a while). Risks: easiest on the spouse, but not exactly fair to you, especially since the same could/would not be done if the roles were switched. Playing "savior" doesn't encourage responsible future behavior. Could likely lead to resentment on your part. What would you do?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 4:24:52 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 12:10:53 GMT -5
I'd quit before they could and then explain that they had to keep their job now, for the good of the family.
|
|
Bob Ross
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 14:48:03 GMT -5
Posts: 5,883
|
Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 12:14:50 GMT -5
I'd quit before they could and then explain that they had to keep their job now, for the good of the family. I forgot option D) which is "not this ^^". Option D is implied.
|
|
Otto the Orange
Well-Known Member
Go Orange!
Joined: Aug 23, 2012 4:20:52 GMT -5
Posts: 1,284
|
Post by Otto the Orange on Apr 1, 2014 12:16:09 GMT -5
I recommend to just "cut" them
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 4:24:52 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 12:16:37 GMT -5
"C" with a caveat: she's got to perform a certain "job" on you nightly until she secures a new job.
|
|
Cookies Galore
Senior Associate
I don't need no instructions to know how to rock
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 18:08:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,891
|
Post by Cookies Galore on Apr 1, 2014 12:19:15 GMT -5
I'd go with A. Aside from the fact that quitting without something lined up is risky, I ain't got the money to support hubs!
|
|
Otto the Orange
Well-Known Member
Go Orange!
Joined: Aug 23, 2012 4:20:52 GMT -5
Posts: 1,284
|
Post by Otto the Orange on Apr 1, 2014 12:20:50 GMT -5
better start washing baggies now........joost sayin'
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Apr 1, 2014 12:27:52 GMT -5
BTDT - for both of us.
He was beyond miserable. The company was downsizing and more and more was being heaped on him (because he was young and smart and didn't protest because he wanted to "make good") and the guys above him were being let go because they were expensive. He ended up being paid way less than the worth of 5 or 6 jobs that had been piled on him (as in: imagine holding the title of Controller for just a little bit more than a senior secretary was making). He could clearly see that he was going to be asked to be the last guy to turn off the lights - and then let go with no thank you or financial compensation.
I had a similar situation at a bank where I worked in HR - it was purchased by a foreign bank in order to have a US presence (perfectly legal). But then they started offloading US executives: my boss (who was a senior VP) would come into my office at 1 or 2 pm on a Friday and say "fire so-and-so (a high level executive). Tell him he's an at-will employee." Then he would get on a commuter train and go home! And then on Monday morning, 2 or 3 underlings/young ambitious men from the bank in the other country would show up and take his job . . . and I was outright told to keep my mouth shut and my head down . . .
We each gave the other permission to quit. And we each immediately hit the streets looking for other jobs. And we covered each other's backsides while that was going on (we're separate potters). Life is too short to be miserable and stressed out to the point where your physical and mental health deteriorate. Even today (31 years later) I would much rather a situation take its toll on our finances than on our relationship. JMHO.
But then again, we have always trusted each other and knew it would be okay. I can't imagine what the issues might have been if I hadn't been able to trust him and the situation.
|
|
Bob Ross
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 14:48:03 GMT -5
Posts: 5,883
|
Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 12:29:49 GMT -5
Well this means it's not a real marriage so your questions are null and void... (kidding) Even if I were the one under that much stress at work, I would choose A. I've never been brave (or crazy) enough to leave one job without having another one lined up. How dire is the situation getting at home? Can't a majority of the job stress be "left" at the office keeping home a safe/neutral place for both parties? I wish. But even when the specifics are left at work, it's difficult when a typically upbeat and happy person becomes sullen and depressive, which is alleviated somewhat on the weekends, but then reaches it's peak on Sundays. Option A is always open, but is proving tricky. Option B has been offered and refused because of the risks involved on her part. Option C is a big no-no for me, because I once had a different, malicious individual use that option against me on multiple occasions for their own gain. Even though that was a different person, it still hits a raw nerve. Can't help but wonder if this option was what was initially hoped for on her part (albeit with a more honorable intent), but after a few fights on the matter, she will now outright refuse it on principle. Not sure if that means I'm a dick, or not.
|
|
Rocky Mtn Saver
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 9:40:57 GMT -5
Posts: 7,461
|
Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Apr 1, 2014 12:30:32 GMT -5
We each gave the other permission to quit. And we each immediately hit the streets looking for other jobs. And we covered each other's backsides while that was going on (we're separate potters). Life is too short to be miserable and stressed out to the point where your physical and mental health deteriorate. Even today (31 years later) I would much rather a situation take its toll on our finances than on our relationship. JMHO. But then again, we have always trusted each other and knew it would be okay. I can't imagine what the issues might have been if I hadn't been able to trust him and the situation. Honestly, the OP's description of the various options sounded less like a partnership and more like a parent/child relationship to me. But, hey, to each his own. I think your way of looking at it sounds better to me!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 4:24:52 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 12:32:14 GMT -5
that was helpful...
|
|
Bob Ross
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 14:48:03 GMT -5
Posts: 5,883
|
Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 12:35:34 GMT -5
We each gave the other permission to quit. And we each immediately hit the streets looking for other jobs. And we covered each other's backsides while that was going on (we're separate potters). Life is too short to be miserable and stressed out to the point where your physical and mental health deteriorate. Even today (31 years later) I would much rather a situation take its toll on our finances than on our relationship. JMHO. But then again, we have always trusted each other and knew it would be okay. I can't imagine what the issues might have been if I hadn't been able to trust him and the situation. Honestly, the OP's description of the various options sounded less like a partnership and more like a parent/child relationship to me. But, hey, to each his own. I think your way of looking at it sounds better to me! Meh. That's more in the semantics, which I'll admit does sound dictatorial, but IRL the discussions have been...well, discussions. I'm guessing the wording sounds nicer in situations where resources are pooled, but when you keep separate accounts and are responsible for different expenses, there's really no way getting around the "who will pay for what" in each option.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Apr 1, 2014 12:36:01 GMT -5
Sorry, but I never understood the "your share of the bills" thing in a marriage. Our bills are OUR bills. And, there have been times when DH was out of work or between jobs or in school and vice versa. There was no "these are your bills and you are responsible for them, etc'. And, if that is truly your approach and line of thinking, then no she should not quit until she gets another job. And, what are those of you going to do if and when in life you or your spouse is in a position where you can't work? Marriage is a team. And, sometimes, there have been years where I pulled a hell of lot more weight than DH (financially) and vice versa.
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 29,235
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on Apr 1, 2014 12:38:52 GMT -5
I'll come up with a new option.
Circle a date on the calendar that you both agree to. Encourage an aggressive job hunt, but if she can't find anything by the agreed upon date, you'll let you quit her stressful job anyway. Not that she gets to quit looking for a new job, but just because you're one great guy! (Plus, it'll give her hope that she gets to leave that awful job.)
|
|
Rocky Mtn Saver
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 9:40:57 GMT -5
Posts: 7,461
|
Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Apr 1, 2014 12:39:26 GMT -5
Honestly, the OP's description of the various options sounded less like a partnership and more like a parent/child relationship to me. But, hey, to each his own. I think your way of looking at it sounds better to me! Meh. That's more in the semantics, which I'll admit does sound dictatorial, but IRL the discussions have been...well, discussions. I'm guessing the wording sounds nicer in situations where resources are pooled, but when you keep separate accounts and are responsible for different expenses, there's really no way getting around the "who will pay for what" in each option. Glad to hear it, because it did sound odd the way you phrased things. I prefer shared pools of resources, personally, so it's a partnership decision rather than a 'who pays what' decision. My answer would still remain in line with kittensaver, I'd rather lousy situations take a toll on finances than a relationship.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Apr 1, 2014 12:41:42 GMT -5
Sorry, but I never understood the "your share of the bills" thing in a marriage. Our bills are OUR bills. And, there have been times when DH was out of work or between jobs or in school and vice versa. There was no "these are your bills and you are responsible for them, etc'. And, if that is truly your approach and line of thinking, then no she should not quit until she gets another job. And, what are those of you going to do if and when in life you or your spouse is in a position where you can't work? Marriage is a team. And, sometimes, there have been years where I pulled a hell of lot more weight than DH (financially) and vice versa. You can be a team and be separate potters. The two are not mutually exclusive. It is not black-and-white. If either one of us eventually can't work/becomes disabled, we have a Plan B. And a Plan C. How you handle your money is NOT some indicator of the status or the health of your relationship. Money is not truth, beauty, justice, commitment, devotion or anything else romantic. It is a tool - period. A tool to get you from where you are to where you need or want to be. It is NOT the barometer of a relationship. At least not mine. Sorry!
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Apr 1, 2014 12:43:18 GMT -5
Just one point. Has she been generally dissatisfied with all of her jobs or is this one a particular pip? Because honestly, for me, I found that adjusting my attitude is by far the easiest thing to do because every job no matter where or what it is has its share of aholes. Also what do you both want? Would you like her to take a break? Or, perhaps she could work part time? I think working part time is a very good option if possible and tends to leave to a much less stressed home life as you have someone who can take care of the home things and spend more time cooking, etc. Just makes life nicer and less stressed in my opinion.
|
|
Bob Ross
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 14:48:03 GMT -5
Posts: 5,883
|
Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 12:44:08 GMT -5
Sorry, but I never understood the "your share of the bills" thing in a marriage. Our bills are OUR bills. And, there have been times when DH was out of work or between jobs or in school and vice versa. There was no "these are your bills and you are responsible for them, etc'. And, if that is truly your approach and line of thinking, then no she should not quit until she gets another job. And, what are those of you going to do if and when in life you or your spouse is in a position where you can't work? Marriage is a team. And, sometimes, there have been years where I pulled a hell of lot more weight than DH (financially) and vice versa. I think the merits of pooled vs. separate accounts has already been argued to death on here, so I won't bother with that. I'll just say that the separate accounts are what we've chosen to do, as it's what works best for us under normal circumstances. To answer your last question, if I quit my job tomorrow, then I would still be responsible for paying my share of the bills. I wouldn't ask her for anything extra and the topic wouldn't even come up. If I completely ran out of money or could never work again...then who knows? I honestly have no clue what would happen then. Sorry but that's the best answer I can give you.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Apr 1, 2014 12:47:12 GMT -5
Yes, but what if one of you becomes disabled or cannot truly find a job, etc? So, is the spouse then on their own?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 4:24:52 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 12:47:24 GMT -5
I like busymom's idea of picking a date, say, 6 months from now. Hopefully she will find something by then; but if she doesn't you've had 1/2 a year to prepare for the worst.
Good luck to you and your wife with whatever you decide to do!
|
|
sarcasticgirl
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 14:39:51 GMT -5
Posts: 5,155
Location: Chicago
|
Post by sarcasticgirl on Apr 1, 2014 12:47:26 GMT -5
This is where we are at right now. DH wants to quit but 1. we can't afford to live on just one salary for very long and 2. we have joint savings and it isn't nearly as much as it should be... certainly not enough for this situation to be comfortable. He actually hit a "breaking point" in Feb. he put in notice and his boss begged him to stay and asked him to not make any decisions until after we came back from vacation. I informed DH that if he was quitting we would NOT be taking a Caribbean vacation. He decided to stay and we had our vacation. Less than a month after we returned he started saying he was at that breaking point again. Sorry, charlie! We just spent several grand on a vacation... suck it up and stick it out until you find something else!
|
|
sarcasticgirl
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 14:39:51 GMT -5
Posts: 5,155
Location: Chicago
|
Post by sarcasticgirl on Apr 1, 2014 12:49:47 GMT -5
Sorry, but I never understood the "your share of the bills" thing in a marriage. Our bills are OUR bills. And, there have been times when DH was out of work or between jobs or in school and vice versa. There was no "these are your bills and you are responsible for them, etc'. And, if that is truly your approach and line of thinking, then no she should not quit until she gets another job. And, what are those of you going to do if and when in life you or your spouse is in a position where you can't work? Marriage is a team. And, sometimes, there have been years where I pulled a hell of lot more weight than DH (financially) and vice versa. You can be a team and be separate potters. The two are not mutually exclusive. It is not black-and-white. If either one of us eventually can't work/becomes disabled, we have a Plan B. And a Plan C. How you handle your money is NOT some indicator of the status or the health of your relationship. Money is not truth, beauty, justice, commitment, devotion or anything else romantic. It is a tool - period. A tool to get you from where you are to where you need or want to be. It is NOT the barometer of a relationship. At least not mine. Sorry! clearly you are confused. THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO DO THINGS here in YM land. If you aren't common potters your marriage isn't real
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Apr 1, 2014 12:49:58 GMT -5
:: "My answer would still remain in line with kittensaver, I'd rather lousy situations take a toll on finances than a relationship." :: =============================== When people ask us how we've managed to stay together for 31 and counting years, this is pretty much the answer we give them. Life can ( and will) take it's toll on almost anything except that we don't allow it to happen to our interpersonal relationship. Parents get old and die, neighbors OD, houses fall down, children get sick, money and jobs come and go, children grow up and leave - sh*t happens. You either allow it to tear you apart or you decide that together you stand strong against the ills of the world that pound at you. And that has nothing to do with who-pays-for-what. Sorry if this sounds corny or overly romantic, but for us it has been true.
|
|
tractor
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 15:19:30 GMT -5
Posts: 3,489
|
Post by tractor on Apr 1, 2014 12:51:19 GMT -5
Sounds like a typical day at my house. Wife has wanted to quit her job for several years. I encouraged her to stay on for at least 20 to guarantee her pension, she made it past that, then she finished her masters so she could get a better position, she's been teaching for 22 years now and is more stressed than ever.
She has been looking, but jobs with equal or slightly less pay are limited in our area. I don't know how much longer she can hold out, but if she can make it six more years, she can retire. Who knows what will happen, but I will not let her quit without a fall back plan, our household cannot afford to take a $70,000 pay cut...
|
|
sarcasticgirl
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 14:39:51 GMT -5
Posts: 5,155
Location: Chicago
|
Post by sarcasticgirl on Apr 1, 2014 12:52:15 GMT -5
Yes, but what if one of you becomes disabled or cannot truly find a job, etc? So, is the spouse then on their own? just search for one of 948573049750345039845093485093485304570294857609348 threads on YM about the subject. You'll see 49857390489876034593495873948 answers where every damn common potter said OF COURSE NOT. not being common potters doesn't equal being a heartless unloving spouse. do we seriously have to do this AGAIN?!?
|
|
Bob Ross
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 14:48:03 GMT -5
Posts: 5,883
|
Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 12:53:36 GMT -5
Yes, but what if one of you becomes disabled or cannot truly find a job, etc? So, is the spouse then on their own? Not a big concern of mine right now. I guess we'd deal with it if it happened.
|
|
Rocky Mtn Saver
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 9:40:57 GMT -5
Posts: 7,461
|
Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Apr 1, 2014 12:53:50 GMT -5
:: "My answer would still remain in line with kittensaver, I'd rather lousy situations take a toll on finances than a relationship." :: =============================== When people ask us how we've managed to stay together for 31 and counting years, this is pretty much the answer we give them. Life can ( and will) take it's toll on almost anything except that we don't allow it to happen to our interpersonal relationship. Parents get old and die, neighbors OD, houses fall down, children get sick, money and jobs come and go, children grow up and leave - sh*t happens. You either allow it to tear you apart or you decide that together you stand strong against the ills of the world that pound at you. And that has nothing to do with who-pays-for-what. Sorry if this sounds corny or overly romantic, but for us it has been true. On the contrary, I think it's lovely, kittensaver.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Apr 1, 2014 12:54:30 GMT -5
Ok. But, what about the other points? Is she generally dissatisfied or is this job a particular, PIA, etc?
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Apr 1, 2014 12:54:55 GMT -5
Yes, but what if one of you becomes disabled or cannot truly find a job, etc? So, is the spouse then on their own? Of course not! You have a Plan B - and a Plan C. Because you are spouses committed to your relationship and to each other. Money is not commitment. Money is a tool. Money does not "make" you a team. It is not the be-all and end-all of who you are.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 1, 2014 12:58:23 GMT -5
We're common potters. But just before we figured out I was pregnant - DH and I talked about his hatred of his job. I swear, he enjoyed literally 2% of it. He went parttime at work and back to school. A year later, he decided school was out and went back full time but in a different department. He's moved several times in the last 6 years and is now hating about 50% of his job. But he had, in those 6 years, improved and/or learned new skill sets. He's got my blessing for job hunting and switching jobs if he wants. But I don't think we can live on just 1 income now.
|
|