Hypothetical job situation

[Shooby]

So if u go vacation do you stay at Ritz and she sleeps at Motel 6? How can u share a common life without you pushing her to spend more than she can afford?

[kittensaver]

Apr 2, 2014 16:33:11 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Again the whole " my savings" " her savings" boggles my mind.

Sigh - how many times have we been through this?

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you . . . .

Just because it "boggles your mind" doesn't mean that it can't work for someone else . . .

[kittensaver]

Apr 2, 2014 16:34:58 GMT -5 Shooby said:

So if u go vacation do you stay at Ritz and she sleeps at Motel 6? How can u share a common life without you pushing her to spend more than she can afford?

When we go on vacation, we plan it together. One of the "bills" I pay with "my" money is $$ into a vacation fund. So does he. When we have enough money - we go! Easy-peasy.

[Bob Ross]

Apr 2, 2014 16:34:58 GMT -5 Shooby said:

So if u go vacation do you stay at Ritz and she sleeps at Motel 6? How can u share a common life without you pushing her to spend more than she can afford?

If we stay at a hotel, I typically foot the bill.

For personal stuff / spending money, we spend whatever we want, out of our individual accounts.  Neither of us are big spenders.

The division of expenses applies to monthly bills only (mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc).  It is divided up as a ratio of our incomes.

If you are a common potter and "don't get it", then maybe you are not qualified to respond?

If you are trying to sway us to become common potters, sorry, not gonna happen.

[Deleted]

Ok. That seems reasonable. So how about either taking 3-6 months ( you decide) of all the bills you generally prorate, and after that if she doesn't have a full time job, then her regular portion has to come from savings.

Or if you feel you can't do that make a 'bear minimum' that has to come from her savings for joint bills each month that is lower than her normal ratio amount, but you can live with. 

Regardless I'd think her personal spending could come from her savings. 

Alternately, do you pay for things like house cleaning she could do while off/ looking for a job, or could she assume some of your household chores in exchange for her part of the joint expenses for the time she might be off..

Just clarifying... The house was a joint decision...

[beenherebefore]

We're separate potters too, its worked for us for 41 years, so far.

What kind of company does she work for? Is she considered a good employee? Is there any opportunity for some sort of internal transfer or responsibility change? Are there training issues adding to her stress?

I don't think it's a good idea to quit without having something else lined up too, the economy is still shaky and so is the job market in a lot of places.

Good luck and be nice to each other!

[Shooby]

"If we stay at a hotel, I typically foot the bill.

For personal stuff / spending money, we spend whatever we want, out of our individual accounts. Neither of us are big spenders.

The division of expenses applies to monthly bills only (mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc). It is divided up as a ratio of our incomes.

If you are a common potter and "don't get it", then maybe you are not qualified to respond?

If you are trying to sway us to become common potters, sorry, not gonna happen."

I am not trying to "sway" anyone. Just giving my opinion. As for it being "qualified", this is an anonymous message board not a professional reference so not sure what that means.


But, OK on the hotel thing. I was just wondering if you make significantly more money as you do that how you would handle this. Because we have all had friends who make a lot more money that might ask us to do stuff we can't afford and so forth. So, I was curious how you would handle that with the less well financed partner so that person doesn't take on more than they can afford, etc.

[sarcasticgirl]

Why is it that common potters seem so dumbfounded by by separate potters yet separate potter understand the concept of common potters?
I've done both and 1 isn't significantly easier or less complex than the other.

OP- have you talked to DW about taking a few days off and getting her resume and such together? And maybe having a mental break from work?

Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards

[Shooby]

Because I personally would not feel that my husband was "all in" if he wasn't "all in". Just my opinion. To me, that isn't a marriage. But, do whatever works for ya.

[sarcasticgirl]

I can't even wrap my head around that way of thinking... Actually I don't even understand the statement.


Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards

[kittensaver]

Apr 2, 2014 18:42:08 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Because I personally would not feel that my husband was "all in" if he wasn't "all in". Just my opinion. To me, that isn't a marriage. But, do whatever works for ya.

My husband is "all in." I'm "all in." We truly DO have a real marriage - I guess I'm just chafing against your assertion that it "isn't a marriage." [see above]

Who says that however the money is handled is somehow a barometer of personal or marital committment? We use our paychecks for our mutual good - always have and always will. We both just prefer to handle our own incomes. It has saved years of strife.

And yes - I WILL do whatever works for us! thankyouverymuch

[Shooby]

Apr 2, 2014 18:49:41 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

I can't even wrap my head around that way of thinking... Actually I don't even understand the statement.


Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards

You don't understand me and I don't understand you. Even steven.

[mmhmm]

I guess hubs and I were a combination of separate and common potters.  What I brought into the marriage remained mine; however, it was never touched.  It was the same for assets he had prior to our marriage. Funds gained while were were married were common and used for whatever we chose to use them for after all commitments were met. We were fortunate to have all we needed to live the lives we chose to live and I don't recall we ever really discussed it much.  We kept up on what we had and both knew if something was feasible, so there wasn't really a need to discuss it.  If we needed/wanted it, we got it if it was feasible.

[Deleted]

How do you who don't common pot handle estate planning? Do you each handle your own? 

Does common/separate pots matter in divorce situations? I mean won't everything coming into the marriage be considered marital assets? 

[sarcasticgirl]

Apr 2, 2014 19:56:37 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Apr 2, 2014 18:49:41 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

I can't even wrap my head around that way of thinking... Actually I don't even understand the statement.


Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards

You don't understand me and I don't understand you. Even steven.

Yes...however I am not making condescending judgments based on my lack of understanding. There lies the difference.

Sent from my Nexus 10 using proboards

[Lizard Queen]

Apr 2, 2014 20:07:37 GMT -5 oped said:

How do you who don't common pot handle estate planning? Do you each handle your own? 

Does common/separate pots matter in divorce situations? I mean won't everything coming into the marriage be considered marital assets? 

I don't really have much estate planning done, so probably not the best person to answer this, but I'll give it a shot.  The vast majority of our money is in retirement accounts, and we are each other's beneficiary.  I bought the house, husband's name is also on the title after refinancing.  When I had life insurance through my job, beneficiaries were designated through the policy.  My inheritance is designated through the policy as well, so split between husband and kids.  I read my states default inheritance laws, and they match what I would have put in a will anyway. We still should do a will, for the kids' sake.  I'm not sure how having separate finances would complicate that too much though.  My separate checking/savings, other than the investment accounts previously mentioned, is below $10,000, and I think my husband is set as beneficiary of that if I pass away.

[whoisjohngalt]

Apr 1, 2014 12:09:29 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

"Hypothetical"...yeah right.

Anyways, let's say your spouse hates their job and wants to get a new one. The stress level of their current job is causing health issues along lines of weight loss, nausea, headaches, and general angst and depression, but nothing uber-serious enough to give a doctor major concern (doc says "find less stressful job"). Home life is paying the price to be expected with such a situation. Also assume you keep separate bank accounts and finances.

Would you...

A) Tell spouse to find new job before quitting the current one.

Risks: this will probably take a while, given time & effort spent on job search, and availability of appropriate new jobs. Also your home life will continue to suffer, and perhaps deteriorate, in the meantime.

B) Tell spouse they can quit, but will still be responsible for their share of the bills and expenses from their savings.

Risks: Their job stress will be replaced with a new stress...a.k.a. find a job before their money runs out.  Your stress will be replaced with a new stress...a.k.a. taking over all of the finances if they can't find a new job in time.

C) Tell spouse they can quit, and that you will take over all of the finances until a new job is found (because your income & savings are high enough that you technically can, although it won't be pleasant) and allow them to leave their more meager savings intact until a new job is found (but again, that could take a while).

Risks: easiest on the spouse, but not exactly fair to you, especially since the same could/would not be done if the roles were switched. Playing "savior" doesn't encourage responsible future behavior. Could likely lead to resentment on your part.

What would you do?

I didn't read the thread yet, just OP, so I am going to pretend that this is a serious question.

C. 

If I was in that situation and my spouse contemplated choosing A or B he wouldn't be my spouse for much longer.

[whoisjohngalt]

Apr 1, 2014 12:19:15 GMT -5 Cookies Galore said:

I'd go with A. Aside from the fact that quitting without something lined up is risky, I ain't got the money to support hubs!

Would your answer be different if you did have the money?

[whoisjohngalt]

Apr 2, 2014 14:33:53 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

Apr 2, 2014 6:16:28 GMT -5 oped said:

I would choose c myself.

Can you tell me though, why, if positions were reversed, she would not offer to do c in return? 

My income is about triple hers.  She can't support us both on her own, while I can, without draining my savings, which is also much larger than hers.  If it really came down to it, and I asked her, she probably would.  But why should she spend her last dime on my portion of the bills just so I can keep my savings intact?  That wouldn't exactly be fair.  Same reason why I don't feel it would be fair for me to take over all of the bills while she keeps all of her savings.

This whole response is such a foreign concept to me.  If I didn't read the OP, I would have thought you were talking about some friend or roommate or something.

[Deleted]

You said she was recently out of work for 6 months? Then really no option for her to quit without having another job. Quit without another job after a recent gap looks like you have trouble adjusting to new places. Maybe the rest of the resume stands on its own but it would raise questions. 

What makes it job from hell?

[Shooby]

Apr 3, 2014 1:36:23 GMT -5 @lillylake said:

You said she was recently out of work for 6 months? Then really no option for her to quit without having another job. Quit without another job after a recent gap looks like you have trouble adjusting to new places. Maybe the rest of the resume stands on its own but it would raise questions. 

What makes it job from hell?

What doesn't she like about the job?

[Cookies Galore]

Apr 2, 2014 21:16:58 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Apr 1, 2014 12:19:15 GMT -5 Cookies Galore said:

I'd go with A. Aside from the fact that quitting without something lined up is risky, I ain't got the money to support hubs!

Would your answer be different if you did have the money?

Maybe, not sure. Quitting without having something lined up still won't fly with me.

[kjto1]

Apr 2, 2014 16:32:41 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

Apr 2, 2014 16:13:39 GMT -5 oped said:

Ok. I was thinking she WOULDN'T do it for you.... You mean she likely couldn't do it for you, if tables were turned... 

Well, let's put it this way. If I quit my job tomorrow, she wouldn't notice one bit of difference in our finances. She would continue to pay her normal share and my share would come out of my savings. This would continue for maybe a year and a half until my savings were depleted, and much longer if I tapped our retirement accounts. Before that time, while she could divert extra towards my share of the bills, I wouldn't ask, nor would she offer.

However, if she quit her job tomorrow, the same could happen, albeit vice-versa, although her savings wouldn't last nearly as long. I've given her that option (B), but she's chosen not to take it, as she says she'd rather continue working in hell than deplete her savings. If she is willing to make that choice, then why should I be okay with option C, which allows her to quit her job only if I cover the costs? BTW, she hasn't actually expressed any interest in doing that, but it also explains why I don't think option C would be very fair, and am loathe to offer it.

Obviously, common potters don't have this sort of problem.

She has made her decision.  She would rather work until she finds a job than use all her savings.

[bookkeeper]

Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse had a serious health problem that came from all the stress the workplace provides.  Would you have the same set of questions or options if you are visiting them in a hospital after a heart attack?

At some point, people are more important than the money they earn.  Try to put the person first, and the money problem can be worked out later.  I would suggest a counselor or job coach that could help your spouse find ways to defuse the anxiety that work is causing.  A couple of sessions with a qualified counselor could give your spouse the tools needed to keep plugging away where she is at or help her to find a job with a better fit.

I sympathize with your spouse.  I left a job I had held for 12 years, because I just couldn't take it anymore.   I knew I had done the right thing after the first week when my teeth quit bleeding and my hair quit falling out. 

[whoisjohngalt]

I am completely fascinating about learning of different arrangements in marriages.

[sarcasticgirl]

Apr 3, 2014 8:36:12 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse had a serious health problem that came from all the stress the workplace provides.  Would you have the same set of questions or options if you are visiting them in a hospital after a heart attack?

At some point, people are more important than the money they earn.  Try to put the person first, and the money problem can be worked out later.  I would suggest a counselor or job coach that could help your spouse find ways to defuse the anxiety that work is causing.  A couple of sessions with a qualified counselor could give your spouse the tools needed to keep plugging away where she is at or help her to find a job with a better fit.

I sympathize with your spouse.  I left a job I had held for 12 years, because I just couldn't take it anymore.   I knew I had done the right thing after the first week when my teeth quit bleeding and my hair quit falling out. 

but don't you think the spouse should at least be putting in the effort to find another job before it hits the "so dire I must quit" stage? 
My DH has stressed himself sick. Blood pressure went through the roof and now he's on medication, he couldn't and still can't sleep half the time and generally was making his own (and my) life miserable. BUT- he was (and still is) putting effort into applying and searching for jobs. He wants out BAD and he's doing everything within his power to get out. 

the OP's DW isn't keeping up with contacts or seeking out other opportunities. Also, she herself would rather keep working than spend her own savings. Clearly it isn't *SO* bad if she isn't willing to do either of those thing... right?

[Bob Ross]

Apr 3, 2014 9:20:02 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

the OP's DW isn't keeping up with contacts or seeking out other opportunities. Also, she herself would rather keep working than spend her own savings. Clearly it isn't *SO* bad if she isn't willing to do either of those thing... right?

Well, she is seeking out other opportunities. Just not at the pace I would think one who was so dead set about getting out of their current job would. And then there's the part about the savings. I should add that she also has some upcoming dental surgery this summer that will run us $3500 out of pocket after insurance (of which she doesn't want me contributing any more than $1k towards), so that's a factor in her decision.

TBH I don't even think she'd accept option C at the moment, even if I offered, because we've already fought about it and she knows my true feelings about that option so she wouldn't trust things to be okay if I suddenly did a 180 on the subject.

One additional thing:  I work on gub'ment contact, and our current contract is in the initial stages of being re-bid and we're only good until March of next year, when I could find myself out of work, so I've got that eventuality to plan for.

For those of you who asked what she does, she works for a large bank and deals with customers who are in danger of being foreclosed upon. Sound fun? Anyways, aside from dealing with panicked, screaming, sometimes highly abusive customers all day, they are understaffed and on a daily quota system, so she is also overworked. To make matters worse, her supervisor has ruled mainly through threats and fear. What kind of effective management methodology teaches that? I swear this guy's an effing idiot. Anyways, although his threats were all bluster and he never made good on any of them, she still took them to heart. However, last week there was a re-org and she was given a new supervisor so we'll see how that goes.

One of her acquaintences has recommended her to the district manager at her work, for an assistant manager position. That district manager has said that she'll be contacting DW in the next few days so maybe something good will happen there.

[imawino]

Apr 2, 2014 16:33:11 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Again the whole " my savings" " her savings" boggles my mind.

Your inability to grasp a concept that has been explained eleventy-billion times on this board is a reflection only on yourself.  And I suspect it doesn't really "boggle your mind", since it's not remotely complex.  You just are unwilling to consider that your way is not the best and only way to do things.

[Shooby]

What eva.

[imawino]

Apr 3, 2014 10:09:01 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

Apr 3, 2014 9:20:02 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

the OP's DW isn't keeping up with contacts or seeking out other opportunities. Also, she herself would rather keep working than spend her own savings. Clearly it isn't *SO* bad if she isn't willing to do either of those thing... right?

Well, she is seeking out other opportunities. Just not at the pace I would think one who was so dead set about getting out of their current job would. And then there's the part about the savings. I should add that she also has some upcoming dental surgery this summer that will run us $3500 out of pocket after insurance (of which she doesn't want me contributing any more than $1k towards), so that's a factor in her decision.

TBH I don't even think she'd accept option C at the moment, even if I offered, because we've already fought about it and she knows my true feelings about that option so she wouldn't trust things to be okay if I suddenly did a 180 on the subject.

One additional thing:  I work on gub'ment contact, and our current contract is in the initial stages of being re-bid and we're only good until March of next year, when I could find myself out of work, so I've got that eventuality to plan for.

For those of you who asked what she does, she works for a large bank and deals with customers who are in danger of being foreclosed upon. Sound fun? Anyways, aside from dealing with panicked, screaming, sometimes highly abusive customers all day, they are understaffed and on a daily quota system, so she is also overworked. To make matters worse, her supervisor has ruled mainly through threats and fear. What kind of effective management methodology teaches that? I swear this guy's an effing idiot. Anyways, although his threats were all bluster and he never made good on any of them, she still took them to heart. However, last week there was a re-org and she was given a new supervisor so we'll see how that goes.

One of her acquaintences has recommended her to the district manager at her work, for an assistant manager position. That district manager has said that she'll be contacting DW in the next few days so maybe something good will happen there.

Good luck to her on a promotion - her current position does sound pretty bad.  Though hopefully less so now with a new boss.