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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 12:58:49 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 12:59:18 GMT -5
To be serious, I would tell the wife to quit. If it is that stressful and you can swing it, why not.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Apr 1, 2014 13:01:09 GMT -5
Has she seen a dr. in regards to managing stress? my DH's dr. suggested he see a psychiatrist or psychologist (can't remember which) to work on ways to manage stress as she doesn't believe in anti-anxiety medication or anything of the like as it is just a "band-aid" Of course DH won't do this... and personally, i think sometimes you just need a freaking Band AId!
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 13:02:54 GMT -5
I like busymom's idea of picking a date, say, 6 months from now. Hopefully she will find something by then; but if she doesn't you've had 1/2 a year to prepare for the worst. Good luck to you and your wife with whatever you decide to do! This might be a possibility. One concern is that she was unemployed for 6 months last year before finding her current job, so finding a new one might be just as tricky, if not trickier.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 1, 2014 13:03:28 GMT -5
Has she seen a dr. in regards to managing stress? my DH's dr. suggested he see a psychiatrist or psychologist (can't remember which) to work on ways to manage stress as she doesn't believe in anti-anxiety medication or anything of the like as it is just a "band-aid" Of course DH won't do this... and personally, i think sometimes you just need a freaking Band AId! IN our case, DH has admitted that just me reminding him that I wanted him happy and had his back gave him a huge boost.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 1, 2014 13:03:58 GMT -5
Sorry, but I never understood the "your share of the bills" thing in a marriage. Our bills are OUR bills. And, there have been times when DH was out of work or between jobs or in school and vice versa. There was no "these are your bills and you are responsible for them, etc'. And, if that is truly your approach and line of thinking, then no she should not quit until she gets another job. And, what are those of you going to do if and when in life you or your spouse is in a position where you can't work? Marriage is a team. And, sometimes, there have been years where I pulled a hell of lot more weight than DH (financially) and vice versa. I think the merits of pooled vs. separate accounts has already been argued to death on here, so I won't bother with that. I'll just say that the separate accounts are what we've chosen to do, as it's what works best for us under normal circumstances. To answer your last question, if I quit my job tomorrow, then I would still be responsible for paying my share of the bills. I wouldn't ask her for anything extra and the topic wouldn't even come up. If I completely ran out of money or could never work again...then who knows? I honestly have no clue what would happen then. Sorry but that's the best answer I can give you. Then you probably *should* figure out what you'd do if you could never work again. You are more likely to wind up disabled than die, and believe me, disability does not come close to covering what you make now. What would happen if there are more physical manifestations of her stress? Hypertension? A heart attack? Are you really willing to let it progress to that? TD and I both have separate accounts, but if he decided he could not handle the stress and wanted to quit his job, I would give whatever was necessary to him for the household to continue on. The fact that we have our own accounts and have not pooled anything does not mean anything.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Apr 1, 2014 13:05:38 GMT -5
I like busymom's idea of picking a date, say, 6 months from now. Hopefully she will find something by then; but if she doesn't you've had 1/2 a year to prepare for the worst. Good luck to you and your wife with whatever you decide to do! This might be a possibility. One concern is that she was unemployed for 6 months last year before finding her current job, so finding a new one might be just as tricky, if not trickier. is she applying for new things in the meantime?
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 13:17:42 GMT -5
This might be a possibility. One concern is that she was unemployed for 6 months last year before finding her current job, so finding a new one might be just as tricky, if not trickier. So she's only been in this job for less than a year? Someone else asked but I don't think you answered.. is this a pattern for her? Does she switch jobs frequently because she is so unhappy? Is she hoping to eventually not have to work full time or at all? Not a pattern. She had her prior job for over 4 years and was laid off from that due to downsizing. She has expressed no interest in being a SAH-whatever and I have said from the get-go that being one is not okay with me, so I don't think that's a factor. She does have legit complaints with her current job. I wouldn't do it. It sounds like it really is a nightmare.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Apr 1, 2014 13:24:40 GMT -5
I'm not married but my gf and I live together. Unfortunately for her she finished school at a time when the economy was in the crapper and it took her 2+ years to get even part time work in her desired field. All the while she was still working the job she had been at since HS where she made okay money but she despised pretty much everything about it. After looking for a job for about a year the feeling that she was somehow a failure while being stuck where didn't want to be started to get to her. She wasn't miserable to be around but she definitely wasn't herself, would vent about work a lot and apologized because she knew she wasn't as happy as she usually is. There's no way to say it without sounding mean to some but I got tired of hearing it. I didn't tell her exactly that but when she would vent I would do the guy thing and chime in with my opinion which doesn't usually end well for the guy. I understand that at times like that she just wants to vent but I'm just bad about keeping my mouth shut after so long.
She was depressed, didn't have energy to do things after work, wasn't going to the gym like she wanted to and the list goes on. I eventually told her that if she was that unhappy to go ahead and quit because it wasn't worth the negative effects on her. To her credit she didn't want to because she wanted to feel like she was contributing. I respect that a ton and love her for it but told her that if going to work everyday makes you want to beat your head against a wall it isn't worth it. Luckily after a while she got a part time job she enjoys which is hopefully her in into her desired field and picked up another job she likes so that she quit the job she hated. Financially since I could pull it I was willing to pick up any slack if it meant her happiness, health and my sanity. In the end it didn't come to that but I would make the offer again in the future assuming we can afford it and her endgame is a new job, going back to school or doing whatever it is to get her to where she wants to end up.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 13:27:13 GMT -5
This might be a possibility. One concern is that she was unemployed for 6 months last year before finding her current job, so finding a new one might be just as tricky, if not trickier. is she applying for new things in the meantime? She is, but not at the level of what I expect someone would do if they were gung-ho about getting out of their current job. So that's part of the problem / confusion. She'll apply to jobs online here and there, but I don't see her spending a lot of time during nights and weekends doing so. I set her up with a dozen recruiters and she hasn't kept up contact with a lot of them, outside of the initial inquiry. I advised her to go to HR and plant the seeds to perhaps switch to another position within the company, which I guess is an option after a year, but she hasn't done that. When I ask about this stuff, she often says she's "too exhausted" at which point I reply "well, then you're in a bit of a catch-22".
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 1, 2014 13:34:42 GMT -5
Not a pattern. She had her prior job for over 4 years and was laid off from that due to downsizing. She has expressed no interest in being a SAH-whatever and I have said from the get-go that being one is not okay with me, so I don't think that's a factor. She does have legit complaints with her current job. I wouldn't do it. It sounds like it really is a nightmare. Gotcha! Sorry that her job is such a nightmare.. is she in the kind of field that she could work with a recruiter to help her find a new job? Yes. See my post prior to yours. I keep a list of recruiters that I deal with when I need a job, so I contacted a bunch and asked if they dealt with non-techy positions, and forwarded the ones that responded in the affirmative to her. She then contacted at least some of them and sent her resume, and they said they'd keep their eyes posted for something that would be a good fit, and that's been it so far. It's been a few weeks now. Personally, I've found that with recruiters, you've gotta pester them every now and again, just so your name stays fresh in their minds, so it's about the time when she needs to start doing that, but she's been resistant so far.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Apr 1, 2014 13:41:54 GMT -5
I like busymom's idea too. My Most stressful jobs left no time/energy to job hunt. By the time I got home, I was wiped out. So, while finding a job while still employed may make sense, in reality, it might never happen. DH and I have some sort of hybid his/mine/ours financial picture. He likes the fantasy that he is independent. He tends to get busy and "forget" to pay things like cc bills. So I meddle. I gave up on him consistently paying his CC's on time and set them up for autopay. I thought I was autopaying them from his account, but the auto pay is set up under my login id for his account...and it pulls from my (our joint) acct. I asksed the bank abt it and they said for it to pull from the business acct it would have to originate from a log in id with his name on it. Never gonna happen. I can transfer $$ between the 2 accts, so I am just working withing the system I have. So when meddling, if I have Q's I just call DH and ask him whatever I want/need. Once I found a forged check. Really it would be better if DH did this, but then again, he might not have noticed the forged check. It was a former employee - left before our vacation with a date after our vacay. We have two many joint investments - ie. mostly rentals. He deals with tenants face to face, I handle banking, but he collects the rent. He usually handles evictions, I create the paper trails. So our His/Mine frequently results in I need $ and we just move it to wherever it needs to be. I just paid DS's college tuition so we are scrapping the bottom of the barrel until the 17th. My DH wants me to change jobs. He gave me a job lead a few weeks ago, my resume is not up to date, and I am not sure I want to change jobs, so I have done nothing. But we usually discuss this kind of stuff in detail. Good luck to you both.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 1, 2014 13:48:59 GMT -5
Another vote for busymom's idea.
I can't imagine having a miserable spouse at home. That would make me miserable, too. I spend money to make my life LESS miserable. So option C would definitely be my choice, not only to do the best thing for my spouse's health and happiness, but also my own.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Apr 1, 2014 13:50:07 GMT -5
is she applying for new things in the meantime? She is, but not at the level of what I expect someone would do if they were gung-ho about getting out of their current job. So that's part of the problem / confusion. She'll apply to jobs online here and there, but I don't see her spending a lot of time during nights and weekends doing so. I set her up with a dozen recruiters and she hasn't kept up contact with a lot of them, outside of the initial inquiry. I advised her to go to HR and plant the seeds to perhaps switch to another position within the company, which I guess is an option after a year, but she hasn't done that. When I ask about this stuff, she often says she's "too exhausted" at which point I reply "well, then you're in a bit of a catch-22". I get that it can be exhausting. my DH applies for several jobs a week online and some of these processes are completely ridiculous. Upload resume. then fill out 5 pages of questions with all of the details that are already on the resume that you've uploaded. Then rate on a scale of 1-10 your satisfaction of these different aspects of working etc. etc. etc. He's spent over an hour on just one application. BUT- he is serious about leaving... so he does it. I would say if she can't muster the energy to get the ball rolling then she isn't as serious as she states. Or she's so mentally exhausted, she's beyond the point of properly functioning. Can she take a day or two off and get some ducks in a row?
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Apr 1, 2014 14:00:25 GMT -5
Option C without a question.
If either my DH or I was ever stressed out enough to have physical symptoms and affect our relationship, we would have encouraged the other one to quit and supported them emotionally and financially.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Apr 1, 2014 14:12:24 GMT -5
I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. Yes, it is a catch-22. You really have to be "on" and upbeat and proactive to stay in touch with recruiters, but I worry depression is keeping her from doing this. Understandable. But, I'd hate to see her lose connections with recruiters who could possibly get her in a better job. If she's open to therapy or short-term medication to get her through this that might help. Otherwise, a day or two to unwind and regenerate may be all she can do. Good luck to you both!
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Otto the Orange
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Post by Otto the Orange on Apr 1, 2014 14:16:47 GMT -5
what about option "E"?
kill the boss, that is sure to reduce the job stress
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kittypuppymom
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Post by kittypuppymom on Apr 1, 2014 14:18:32 GMT -5
Are you happy? Is the fact that she is unhappy making you unhappy? My rule of thumb has always been to have another job lined up before quitting a job. I have only quit 2 jobs without having another lined up. One was because I was young and dumb. The other one was because I was being sexually harassed and in those days you did not make waves.
The one thing that I see here that would be a problem is the fact that she has not been on the job that long. That might be a hindrance in finding another one. You know that saying if momma is not happy nobody is happy. Make her happy let her quit. Tell her you will give her a week of decompressing from the job and then she needs to hit the bricks. Money is not everything. OMG! forgot what board I am posting on.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Apr 1, 2014 23:05:36 GMT -5
If she's not feeling well,encourage her to take a few sick days. She may have energy to apply for other jobs after a few days of rest and recuperation.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Apr 1, 2014 23:41:17 GMT -5
I am in a similar situation with DH, except that his stress is manifesting in chest pains. The doctor says to reduce stress but hasn't said quit job. Also the company he works for is on very shaky ground financially. I have tried to get him to do option C and just quit and figure things out afterward. I make enough to support us, although we wouldn't be going on any fancy vacations and would be eating a goodly amount of rice and beans.
At any rate, he has refused to quit without another job, so we are currently stuck at option A. He talked about finding another job for months but didn't work on a resume or anything, so at the end of December, when we were off for the holidays, I took him down to the state employment office and got him signed up for resume help. He got his resume together in about a week and started applying for jobs.
He has a few offers to decide between, and the uncertainty mixed with the ongoing work stress has really gotten to him. He has too many options, which is more stressful for him than just one option. We are leaving later this week to check out the job site of the third offer, and hopefully after he has seen the place he can make a decision and we can be done with all of this uncertainty.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 1:55:00 GMT -5
Teach her to underperform in current job while looking for a new job. Upside, maybe layoff or firing occurs and she'll be eligible for unemployment and can focus 100% on getting a new job.
Depressive symptoms from a job sounds off. What kind of stuff is going on there that is getting to her? Is the environment demeaning or harassing? Was she having an affair with someone at work and recently broke up? JK!!!!!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 2, 2014 6:02:28 GMT -5
There are multiple options:
1. Stay at your job and be miserable. 2. Stay at your job while looking for a new job. 3. Stay at your job but instead of being miserable, find a way to focus on the good points such as earning an income, etc. 4. Quit, take a break, start fresh. 5. Underperform and get fired ( not an option I would recommend, lol). 6. Find a sugar daddy and run away. 7. Put all your money on Black 21 and hope for the best. 8. To bad about the boss's unfortunate "accident".
So, there are many options to choose from. Did I miss any?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 6:16:28 GMT -5
I would choose c myself.
Can you tell me though, why, if positions were reversed, she would not offer to do c in return?
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 2, 2014 14:33:53 GMT -5
I would choose c myself. Can you tell me though, why, if positions were reversed, she would not offer to do c in return? My income is about triple hers. She can't support us both on her own, while I can, without draining my savings, which is also much larger than hers. If it really came down to it, and I asked her, she probably would. But why should she spend her last dime on my portion of the bills just so I can keep my savings intact? That wouldn't exactly be fair. Same reason why I don't feel it would be fair for me to take over all of the bills while she keeps all of her savings.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Apr 2, 2014 15:26:01 GMT -5
DH and I do a his/hers/mine approach to finances, but if it ever comes right down to it, it's all ours. We are partners, and are there to support each other. I do like the separation of $$ though, because I think it cuts down on a lot of resentment.
I would suggest that you let (encourage) her to quit, on the caveat that she finds a part-time gig right away (so she doesn't get used to being a bum at home eating bon-bons, drinking wine, or whatever--doesn't matter how much it pays, as its temporary), and use her extra time/energy to look for a more permanent job. She could use a temp agency, or whatever.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 16:13:39 GMT -5
Ok. I was thinking she WOULDN'T do it for you.... You mean she likely couldn't do it for you, if tables were turned...
Can you do some balance of you taking on more of the expenses and she using some of her savings? But not at a rate so that she would quickly deplete her resources?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 2, 2014 16:23:19 GMT -5
I would choose c myself. Can you tell me though, why, if positions were reversed, she would not offer to do c in return? My income is about triple hers. She can't support us both on her own, while I can, without draining my savings, which is also much larger than hers. If it really came down to it, and I asked her, she probably would. But why should she spend her last dime on my portion of the bills just so I can keep my savings intact? That wouldn't exactly be fair. Same reason why I don't feel it would be fair for me to take over all of the bills while she keeps all of her savings. So, you can do it but she couldn't do it if the situation were reversed and that's not fair? Fair? Really? Did someone tell you life was going to be fair all the time. If so, that person lied to you outright. Sometimes, life isn't fair, and sometimes we do something that might seem unfair and inconvenience us because doing so will be of help to someone we care about who's having a rough time. At least, that's been true in my experience.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 16:32:13 GMT -5
Have you made all of the decisions together as to your lifestyle? Are you equally responsible for the size of your mortgage, cars, etc? If she said to you she wanted to downsize so she could still pay her half, but not work as much or work another job, would that be ok with you?
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 2, 2014 16:32:41 GMT -5
Ok. I was thinking she WOULDN'T do it for you.... You mean she likely couldn't do it for you, if tables were turned... Well, let's put it this way. If I quit my job tomorrow, she wouldn't notice one bit of difference in our finances. She would continue to pay her normal share and my share would come out of my savings. This would continue for maybe a year and a half until my savings were depleted, and much longer if I tapped our retirement accounts. Before that time, while she could divert extra towards my share of the bills, I wouldn't ask, nor would she offer. However, if she quit her job tomorrow, the same could happen, albeit vice-versa, although her savings wouldn't last nearly as long. I've given her that option (B), but she's chosen not to take it, as she says she'd rather continue working in hell than deplete her savings. If she is willing to make that choice, then why should I be okay with option C, which allows her to quit her job only if I cover the costs? BTW, she hasn't actually expressed any interest in doing that, but it also explains why I don't think option C would be very fair, and am loathe to offer it. Obviously, common potters don't have this sort of problem.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 2, 2014 16:33:11 GMT -5
Again the whole " my savings" " her savings" boggles my mind.
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