KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 20, 2014 22:02:00 GMT -5
Minnesotapaintlady - I've (kinda) been where you are at and it sucks! Hugs!! The thing is - I'm now on the other side and based on what I learned in my own situation, I would trade places with you in a heartbeat to ease your pain and help with the distancing (plus I'm in Texas - can you say 80 degree weather during the day and 50's at night right now? SaWeet!). I'm positive that my Ex is a sociopath. He did drugs in the past before we met and started doing them again after we separated. He's manipulative, insistent, and like a dog with a bone - he won't let a subject go when he puts his mind to it. He played the, "poor me, I just want to be a father to my boy and you're being a bitch by not letting me see him at my beck-and-call" so often that it was interrupting my life to attempt to accommodate him. I just could not understand his logic when we would talk. He would say one thing and then days or weeks later say he never said such things and that I was making it up (he was systematically making me seem crazy - even to myself! And this was when we were divorced!!!). Our son was not quite 2 when we separated. Ex would beg me to allow him to come see our son and then would ignore him while he talked to me, attempting to get me to come back to him. When he left, son would throw himself at the door, crying/sobbing uncontrollably that his daddy was leaving without him. I would sit on the floor next to the door, hold him and sob with him....and think about taking Ex back, "because he wasn't THAT bad while we were together." And then I would remember Ex ignoring our son just moments before and cry some more because I just couldn't give my son what he wanted....I couldn't make his dad care about the things that were most important. We had standard custody to begin with (before I found out he was doing drugs again). I would get reports from Ex about how "ashamed he was of the boy because of ......" reason. If he was saying these things to me, what in the world was he saying to our son?!? I felt hopeless and powerless to do anything - because he was his father - how could I keep him from seeing his son in good conscience? Son seemed to enjoy visiting with his father, so I was confused...conflicted....wanted to do the right thing from all angles. This went on for YEARS. Son was 9 when I discovered that Ex was doing drugs again, physically abusing his then current wife (who is now dead) and had our son in his custody. I was LIVID! At myself first and foremost.....for allowing my son to be placed in harms way. I am his mom - I'm supposed to protect him from harm. I just never realized that meant I would also have to protect him from his own father. I had to look at my own motivations....and speaking only for myself....I had to admit to myself that I didn't want to admit that his father was/is harmful - because if I actually admitted that, then what kind of person was I to allow that type of person to be the father of my son? What kind of emotional damage was done to my son during that 7 year time frame? How much did he suffer while believing what he was experiencing with his father was "normal"? Sure....things seem fine now....but what behaviors will rear up when he gets into a long-term relationship? What will happen when he has children of his own? How much of what he learned from experiencing his father's behavior when I wasn't there to witness it is laying dormant inside my son? I'm waiting and watching.....and hoping and praying that my son is resilient enough to not have it be an issue later in life. I had to get past my own issues as well as help our son....and I turned into "THAT woman". I talked to the lawyer and set up sole custody with supervised visits (2 hours, 3 times a month for a total of 6 hours). My new mantra was not only "no", but "HELL NO!" Our son is now 17. I've had sole custody with supervised visitation since son was 9. I have refused to bend the basics of the visitation schedule (I have bent on days, time and location - just because of convenience to me....but not on supervised and/or limited time frame). I have been called every name in the book by my Ex. I've been "talked to" by one of the Elders in his church - and I shut him down as well. The Elder had/has no idea what Ex is actually capable of because what he displays to the outside world is different than what he displays to me/son. As son has gotten older, I have given him more and more information regarding his dad. At 17, he now only has contact with his dad by text/cell phone by his own choice. He has been subjected to the same tirades I have been and is learning that this is his dad. At son's request, I have blocked his dad's phone number except during certain times of the day. Even after repeatedly telling him not to, Ex would text him during school hours and late at night and son got feed up dealing with his dad on his own. So....long story kinda sorta short.....I'm a bitch....only to my Ex. And I would be more than happy to trade places with you as I know how hard it is. But...it has made me into a stronger person because of it. I strongly urge you to be your son's shield, his voice, and to stand up to your Ex. I don't like thinking about what I allowed our son to go through by trying to "do the right thing". I know you won't like thinking about that 15 years from now either. I try to be on the boards reading most evenings....if you want - you can PM me at any point and I'll respond as soon as I can. Mega Hugs!!!
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Mar 20, 2014 22:36:28 GMT -5
Wow, Kara, that is a story! Good for you and your son that you were able to see it and change it. MPL please arrange for a court ordered visitation schedule, whatever it costs. Good luck to you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 3:01:45 GMT -5
MPL, I'm very sorry, I didn't realize that he hurt his hand in an accident.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 21, 2014 6:56:40 GMT -5
I don't know. I don't trust the Catholic Church. Aren't they going to think she's awful for divorcing a "sick" man? Plus, trust her son to men? MPL, you need to mentally "divorce" yourself from this man. Stop taking his daily calls, stop running errands for him. If he wants a visit, it's $30 because its supervised. If he was truly getting better, he would understand you wanting to make sure his child was safe. He isn't. He is playing you. No. If H and I divorce, I can get my marriage annulled fairly easily, actually. On what grounds does the Church declare nullity for some failed marriages?
In technical language, the most common reasons are insufficiency or inadequacy of judgment (also known as lack of due discretion, due to some factor such as young age, pressure to marry in haste, etc.), psychological incapacity, and absence of a proper intention to have children, be faithful, or remain together until death.
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milee
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Post by milee on Mar 21, 2014 7:22:33 GMT -5
KaraBoo's right, though, about how the church will sometimes get involved to attempt to intervene in issues. A not for profit that I'm involved with had to fire the custodian who lived on the grounds of the organization. The custodian was always a very odd guy, but over the years his behavior had morphed from odd to downright harassing to women and girls. He'd give long, inappropriate "hugs" where his hands wandered and repeatedly walked into the women's showers when women or children (seemed especially drawn to young girls) were in there. Although we suspect the old manager had tried to help and protect the custodian for years because the manager thought he was helping a harmless mentally challenged man - the custodian never officially disclosed any mental issues, but you could tell from a brief meeting that something was way off - to hold a job, women and girls were starting to be afraid to be around the place alone for fear the custodian would catch them. So the organization fired the custodian. This was about 5 years ago. For the first two years, the custodian sent the board weekly letters that were a mix of rambling, pleading crazy and just plain scary, begging for his job back. One letter was a version of the crazy letter from The Shining, where he wrote something like "I will leave the girls alone" 200 times on several sheets of paper with no other writing. The board ignored the letters and the letters got worse, including suicide threats so the board had to report the letters to the police. Within a year, the custodian started writing letters directly to and calling individual board members and other members of the organization. The organization ended up getting some sort of restraining order against the custodian.
About six months ago, the board started receiving letters from the custodian's priest describing what a fine citizen the custodian is and asking the organization to rehire him. Reading between the lines, it appears the priest believes the "issue" is no more than the custodian needing to learn how to clean a little better. The priest also vouched for what a good person the custodian is... maybe they haven't yet discovered him in their youth's showers or maybe the church is continuing with the idea that it's really no biggie to grope women and children if he's properly repentant. I can only hope they aren't letting him volunteer to lead the children's group.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 21, 2014 7:34:02 GMT -5
I forgot to add something to my post.....
My Ex has also pulled the, "I'm taking you to court!" stunt more times than I can remember.
At first, I was stressed out by the mere mention of court. I couldn't afford it! At first because I was a single mom, then when I got remarried, we have 4 kids between us, and DH and I couldn't afford court on top of our responsibilities. But a funny thing happens when major issues threaten your kids - you find the money. It's not that living on less is any fun....but the thought of your kid(s) being affected negatively suddenly changes the priorities.
Then I realized that if Ex wanted to take me to court - he would have to start the proceedings. *I* sure wasn't going to file to change anything!! That meant he would have to file the motions and all I had to do was defend myself. The lawyers on the board can correct me if I'm wrong, but in situations like this, it seems like it is way cheaper to defend yourself than it is to file.
So, when he threatened to take me to court, my response became - *shrug* "That's your right, take me to court, that's fine, I'm fine with a judge deciding this matter."
In 17 years, Ex has never taken me to court - he doesn't have the money! At least....he doesn't have the money for this....there are more important things to him. Not me...my son is most important - I'll find the money to defend him against his father.
Yes, you'll have to spend the money to file for child support and custody now...but it will be money well worth spending. Especially since the history with your Ex is so recent. As more time goes by, this will be harder and harder to show that it may not be in your son's best interest to be around his dad by himself.
Good luck! We're all rooting for you!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 21, 2014 7:36:13 GMT -5
To put it in blunt, simple terms - he is jerking you around but you are prolonging it by letting him. You will never be able to dig out until you stop letting him dictate all the terms. The way you stop that is to establish a schedule (awesome if you can get him to participate in that discussion because it shows you were reasonable in compromising), doing exactly what you agree to and ignoring the rest.
Get the schedule set, follow the schedule and ignore the rest.
No matter what he says or does in the future, your response should be nothing more than a variation of this: "See you on ____ at ____ o'clock as we agreed." "Umm hmm, that's nice but we'll see you on ____ at ___ o'clock as we agreed." "Oh, that's too bad, but we'll see you on ____ at ___ o'clock as we agreed." "Yes, I know I didn't answer those 57 calls, it wasn't _____ at ____ o'clock as we agreed." "See you on ____ at ___ o'clock as we agreed."
You need to stop bending to all his requests. PICK ONE TIME a week and don't allow him to change it or jerk you around. He is using it as a means of control over you and the situation and you are allowing him. Do you really want this man to continue to think he can run your life? Because he still is. The more you give, the more he will take. And it will be like you were never divorced and you won't be in a healthy place. Listem to KaraBoo. She's a very strong brave woman who has been through a lot. She's overcome dealing with a not-stable ex and you can learn from her.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 7:39:45 GMT -5
MPL, I'm very sorry, I didn't realize that he hurt his hand in an accident. That's ok. I just wanted to make sure that was cleared up. He's never intentionally hurt himself especially like that where it took one of the best hand doctors at Mayo and some cadaver bones to save his fingers.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 7:40:58 GMT -5
And I was happy to see that you're planning some "me" time tonight. Good for you for taking care of yourself minnesotapaintlady!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 7:44:14 GMT -5
To put it in blunt, simple terms - he is jerking you around but you are prolonging it by letting him. You will never be able to dig out until you stop letting him dictate all the terms. The way you stop that is to establish a schedule (awesome if you can get him to participate in that discussion because it shows you were reasonable in compromising), doing exactly what you agree to and ignoring the rest.
Get the schedule set, follow the schedule and ignore the rest.
No matter what he says or does in the future, your response should be nothing more than a variation of this: "See you on ____ at ____ o'clock as we agreed." "Umm hmm, that's nice but we'll see you on ____ at ___ o'clock as we agreed." "Oh, that's too bad, but we'll see you on ____ at ___ o'clock as we agreed." "Yes, I know I didn't answer those 57 calls, it wasn't _____ at ____ o'clock as we agreed." "See you on ____ at ___ o'clock as we agreed."
You need to stop bending to all his requests. PICK ONE TIME a week and don't allow him to change it or jerk you around. He is using it as a means of control over you and the situation and you are allowing him. Do you really want this man to continue to think he can run your life? Because he still is. The more you give, the more he will take. And it will be like you were never divorced and you won't be in a healthy place. Listem to KaraBoo. She's a very strong brave woman who has been through a lot. She's overcome dealing with a not-stable ex and you can learn from her. It's because of our son. If he didn't exist, I could walk away, change my phone number, move on, but the courts say he has a right to time with his son and I don't want to come off like I'm trying to interfere. You hear these horror stories of parent's that deny access and then the judge says fine, you're going to be an ass, we'll let the other spouse have custody. Not saying he would get that, but I could lose the supervised that I think is a PIA and then I'll wish I had it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 7:46:11 GMT -5
Not allowing him to see him any time he wants is not the same thing as not allowing him access.
If you set up a once a week schedule and the stick to it NO ONE (other than your mentally ill XH) will accuse you of denying access. Really!!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 7:46:54 GMT -5
And I was happy to see that you're planning some "me" time tonight. Good for you for taking care of yourself minnesotapaintlady! Oh, hell yes! And I woke up feeling so GOOD this morning. I don't know if it's because it's finally spring or because my 6 day long migraine is gone, or if it was unloading here, or if because my youngest slept in his bed all night and didn't wake me, but I slept like a rock last night and woke up feeling better than I have in longer than I can remember. Life was getting pretty bah humbug for a long stretch.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 21, 2014 7:50:53 GMT -5
Listen to Karaboo. Please. Get to court and explain to the judge that you don't want to be a bitch but you NEED to make sure your son is protected.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 21, 2014 7:52:09 GMT -5
And I was happy to see that you're planning some "me" time tonight. Good for you for taking care of yourself minnesotapaintlady! Oh, hell yes! And I woke up feeling so GOOD this morning. I don't know if it's because it's finally spring or because my 6 day long migraine is gone, or if it was unloading here, or if because my youngest slept in his bed all night and didn't wake me, but I slept like a rock last night and woke up feeling better than I have in longer than I can remember. Life was getting pretty bah humbug for a long stretch. Yeah, adequate sleep ROCKS. I now sleep though my 4.5 year old son crawling into bed with me. I'm not sure if that's good or not.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 21, 2014 7:53:43 GMT -5
Listen to Karaboo. Please. Get to court and explain to the judge that you don't want to be a bitch but you NEED to make sure your son is protected.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 7:54:35 GMT -5
KaraBoo there's one difference between our situations in that my ex really DOES care about being with our son. I would go so far to say that he's obsessed with our son to an extent. His birth changed the entire dynamic in our family. It was like the birth of Jesus to my ex. Older son became a "threat" to the golden child, and I would guess at least 90% of our fights and all the DV incidents were related to the kids. On the one hand he was overprotective to the extremes, and on the other he was just stupid with him. It was weird...and caused a lot of fights.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 7:56:43 GMT -5
Oh, hell yes! And I woke up feeling so GOOD this morning. I don't know if it's because it's finally spring or because my 6 day long migraine is gone, or if it was unloading here, or if because my youngest slept in his bed all night and didn't wake me, but I slept like a rock last night and woke up feeling better than I have in longer than I can remember. Life was getting pretty bah humbug for a long stretch. Yeah, adequate sleep ROCKS. I now sleep though my 4.5 year old son crawling into bed with me. I'm not sure if that's good or not. I usually do too, but he's been sick with a cold and a cough, so he comes into my room about 2 am to cough, try to breathe through a stuffed up nose and toss and turn until morning. That's generally the end of my sleep for the night and when I don't go to bed until 11 that's not much.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 21, 2014 8:03:09 GMT -5
You hear these horror stories of parent's that deny access and then the judge says fine, you're going to be an ass, we'll let the other spouse have custody.
I'm betting those parents are sane and the ex that is denying access is being petty/jerk. Swamp and Mid have mentioned numerous times on the boards that courts will not hand a child over to someone who clearly has issues. Which your ex does.
This isn't the same thing. Your library story freaked me out, who knows what he planned to do during his "walk" in the library if you had not come along. Minnesota this man keeps trying to isolate you from your kid. It's nearly impossible to do at the half way house but he's going to be on the streets very very soon.
A judge is not going to hand your son over to your ex, he's got the deck pretty stacked against him.
You really need to see your ex for who he currently is. You're trying to handle this like you would a normal person you happened to divorce. You did not divorce a normal person, you divorced a very seriously mentally ill man. You need to start treating it that way and "be a bitch" or whatever you want to call it. You are the only sane parent in this picture, you owe it to your son to protect him.
He's too little to understand what is wrong with his dad and is obviously very trusting, you don't want to end up in a situation where he disappears with daddy and never comes back.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 21, 2014 8:09:18 GMT -5
KaraBoo there's one difference between our situations in that my ex really DOES care about being with our son. I would go so far to say that he's obsessed with our son to an extent. His birth changed the entire dynamic in our family. It was like the birth of Jesus to my ex. Older son became a "threat" to the golden child, and I would guess at least 90% of our fights and all the DV incidents were related to the kids. On the one hand he was overprotective to the extremes, and on the other he was just stupid with him. It was weird...and caused a lot of fights. This is just as dangerous as ignoring. When he's loose without superivision, who's going to stop him from taking your son? Especially if you don't have a formal visitaion schedule in writing? Even during SUPERVISED visitation he tried to take your son away. I know you don't think it's a big deal BUT IT IS because this man IS NOT HEALTHY. He's obviously not thinking like a normal person, please stop trying to rationalize it away and see this as the danger to your son that it is and take steps to protect your family. Plase for the sake of your son, get visitation, CS and everything else pinned down in a court order.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 8:11:52 GMT -5
I mentioned that two of his sisters were in jail. Well, one of them is also bipolar and a pothead...total freaking loser. She has two daughters ages 7 and 10 and believe it or not actually won joint custody. I don't know HTH that happened because I wouldn't even let her babysit, but she did. Besides the free attorney the state appointed to my ex, he also has two brothers that are attorneys as well, one of them is very good and represented their sister.
Thankfully, he's also the one my ex attacked at the birthday party last June and he really likes me, so I don't think he's all up to helping him out, but the old blood loyalty might kick in. Especially with pressure from Mom, the super-enabler.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 21, 2014 8:16:05 GMT -5
KaraBoo there's one difference between our situations in that my ex really DOES care about being with our son. I would go so far to say that he's obsessed with our son to an extent. His birth changed the entire dynamic in our family. It was like the birth of Jesus to my ex. Older son became a "threat" to the golden child, and I would guess at least 90% of our fights and all the DV incidents were related to the kids. On the one hand he was overprotective to the extremes, and on the other he was just stupid with him. It was weird...and caused a lot of fights. But that's not healthy (or particularly sane) either. When we announced I was carrying K (before we knew gender), my ILs said God had heard their prayers and they'd continue to pray for a boy. But since that comment, they've not said one word about us having a boy or played him up over K. And they shut up with the comments about natural grandchildren vs the adopted grandchild (I gave SIL a heads up on that one, because I'd heard it a couple of times and it really bothered me) too. While I didn't like the comments one bit, since they haven't done or said anything (that I've heard about) in those veins, I chalk that up to stupidity - a one time happening. Repeated stupidity would have me taking more measures - including talking with them, having DH talk to them and restricting contact to when DH or I am present. If they don't love the 3 grandkids equally, they at least are smart enough to treat them the same and not do anything directly to indicate it. Your AHeX (AssHole ex) isn't well and sounds like he wasn't well for a long time before this. 90 days in a half way house, even with lots of therapy (verbal and chemical) isn't going to fix that. My SIL has been hospitalized several times for mental issues. One hospitalization required her to have hours and hours of group therapy before they'd let her go back to work. And after spending roughly 8 hours a day on herself for a good 6 months, she still relapsed. You need to get those boundaries up and functioning to protect your kids. I know I say it alot but the end goal of raising kids is happy, healthy productive members of society and there's lots of paths to get there. Your AHeX is NOT going to help you get the boys on a good path. It's going to be much harder for you than it is for me because you've got someone who can't even see the healthy paths right now. IF that makes sense. Hugs MPL. Lots and lots of hugs. I'd be more than willing to have you come visit us but it's not like Milwaukee is much better than Minn. right now.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 21, 2014 8:16:30 GMT -5
You need to stop bending to all his requests. PICK ONE TIME a week and don't allow him to change it or jerk you around. He is using it as a means of control over you and the situation and you are allowing him. Do you really want this man to continue to think he can run your life? Because he still is. The more you give, the more he will take. And it will be like you were never divorced and you won't be in a healthy place. Listem to KaraBoo. She's a very strong brave woman who has been through a lot. She's overcome dealing with a not-stable ex and you can learn from her. It's because of our son. If he didn't exist, I could walk away, change my phone number, move on, but the courts say he has a right to time with his son and I don't want to come off like I'm trying to interfere. You hear these horror stories of parent's that deny access and then the judge says fine, you're going to be an ass, we'll let the other spouse have custody. Not saying he would get that, but I could lose the supervised that I think is a PIA and then I'll wish I had it. He doesn't have supervised visits to benefit you, he has supervised visits because of how he interacts with his son. The Court looks at what is best for the kids, and doesn't give a rip about the parents. Predictable schedules and consistency are seen as what is best for the kids.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 21, 2014 8:20:45 GMT -5
I mentioned that two of his sisters were in jail. Well, one of them is also bipolar and a pothead...total freaking loser. She has two daughters ages 7 and 10 and believe it or not actually won joint custody. I don't know HTH that happened because I wouldn't even let her babysit, but she did. Besides the free attorney the state appointed to my ex, he also has two brothers that are attorneys as well, one of them is very good and represented their sister. Thankfully, he's also the one my ex attacked at the birthday party last June and he really likes me, so I don't think he's all up to helping him out, but the old blood loyalty might kick in. Especially with pressure from Mom, the super-enabler. Honey, This is all the more reason to get this done before he gets out of the halfway house.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 8:21:51 GMT -5
What I see happening right now is not a status quo, it is the calm before the storm.
Use his incarceration and your freedom from him to get things done now. I think trying to get this stuff worked out after he is released is going to be a nightmare!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 21, 2014 8:21:52 GMT -5
I mentioned that two of his sisters were in jail. Well, one of them is also bipolar and a pothead...total freaking loser. She has two daughters ages 7 and 10 and believe it or not actually won joint custody. I don't know HTH that happened because I wouldn't even let her babysit, but she did. Besides the free attorney the state appointed to my ex, he also has two brothers that are attorneys as well, one of them is very good and represented their sister. Thankfully, he's also the one my ex attacked at the birthday party last June and he really likes me, so I don't think he's all up to helping him out, but the old blood loyalty might kick in. Especially with pressure from Mom, the super-enabler. Can you talk to him about this? Would he cut you a break on the fees? Is there a conflict of interest?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 21, 2014 8:24:48 GMT -5
I mentioned that two of his sisters were in jail. Well, one of them is also bipolar and a pothead...total freaking loser. She has two daughters ages 7 and 10 and believe it or not actually won joint custody. I don't know HTH that happened because I wouldn't even let her babysit, but she did. Besides the free attorney the state appointed to my ex, he also has two brothers that are attorneys as well, one of them is very good and represented their sister. Thankfully, he's also the one my ex attacked at the birthday party last June and he really likes me, so I don't think he's all up to helping him out, but the old blood loyalty might kick in. Especially with pressure from Mom, the super-enabler. Awarded by a judge after trial or agreed by the father?
Father may have agreed to it just to avoid trial.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 12:21:40 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 8:29:01 GMT -5
But that's not healthy (or particularly sane) either. Oh, I know it's messed up. Trust me. Just saying he's not using DS to get to me. He really is all about the kid and gives him 100% of his attention when they're together. Yesterday when we left DS said he wanted to live with Dad.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 12:21:40 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 8:30:16 GMT -5
I mentioned that two of his sisters were in jail. Well, one of them is also bipolar and a pothead...total freaking loser. She has two daughters ages 7 and 10 and believe it or not actually won joint custody. I don't know HTH that happened because I wouldn't even let her babysit, but she did. Besides the free attorney the state appointed to my ex, he also has two brothers that are attorneys as well, one of them is very good and represented their sister. Thankfully, he's also the one my ex attacked at the birthday party last June and he really likes me, so I don't think he's all up to helping him out, but the old blood loyalty might kick in. Especially with pressure from Mom, the super-enabler. Awarded by a judge after trial or agreed by the father?
Father may have agreed to it just to avoid trial.
I really don't know. But to be fair, I'm not sure the Dad is much better.
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KaraBoo
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 17:14:51 GMT -5
Posts: 3,076
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 21, 2014 8:30:23 GMT -5
I'm about to walk into work, so won't be back until tonight.
What you don't realize is our situations are exactly the same - just different ends of the extreme. It's about control and the way to control the other parent is through the child.
If your Ex left the program he's in right now....how would you predict the outcome to go? Would he be able to take care of himself without a lot of outside help? If the answer to that is no (and I'm betting it is), then what makes you think he'll be able to take care of a 3 year old on top of taking care of himself? This isn't a matter of keeping the child from him. This is helping him to help himself first. The Ex cannot have a successful recovery if his energy is pulled in multiple directions like adding a child into the mix would do.
I realize you aren't seeing what the rest of us see. It's because your too deep in the weeds of trying to survive. I get that and understand because I had a lot of the same comments you have now.
The understanding won't happen overnight. I'm 15years out and you're less than a year. Hang in there. We care about you and your kids!
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CarolinaKat
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:10:37 GMT -5
Posts: 6,364
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 21, 2014 8:31:16 GMT -5
But that's not healthy (or particularly sane) either. Oh, I know it's messed up. Trust me. Just saying he's not using DS to get to me. He really is all about the kid and gives him 100% of his attention when they're together. Yesterday when we left DS said he wanted to live with Dad. He is 3. He is not capable of making such a decision or understanding what that phrase means.
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