CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2014 11:39:38 GMT -5
That's not a bad idea, MPL.....you tell your ex that you will take yds to meet your ex at church and will be waiting for him. You do not have to sit with them, but just be close enough that you can keep an eye on him. At the end of mass, you take the child and exit. That way, he is going to be limited as to what he can do, and he is going to be surrounded by others so probably not inclined to bail with the child. It also gets the religious aspect out of the way, so he feels like he's done his duty to his child. Yeah, I'm considering doing this. I was thinking about it last week, but the way he was demanding it kind of pissed me off. If you do, which does sound lik an ok idea, please make sure people there are aware of the situation and would support YOU if there was conflict. Some churches are 'clique'ey and might not support you custody if ex hs an episode and tries to take DS, especially after he has no one forcing him to tak his meds. hopefully he goes to a church filled with people who are reasonable and understand your situation and this will work as visitation
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Mar 20, 2014 11:45:05 GMT -5
MPL, your posts remind me so much of Angel (another poster) life and subsequent divorce. The person IN the situatiojn hardly sees an issue with it. Mostly the person starts blaming themselves for their own situation. While in reality, they are the victims of emotional abuse from the other party. I hope, really, really hope you have a happy ending.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2014 11:48:14 GMT -5
It's so hard for me to do anything due to time constraints. My older son sees a therapist every other week, and even that is a pain to get him to. Nobody around here works evenings or weekends, so going means taking vacation from work. I'm so paranoid to use what time I have because I need it for when kids are sick or daycare is closed and I really don't want to rock the boat at work after they just had a huge layoff and are expecting a slow year. I may call a guy I used to see (yes, I was seeing a couple therapists before last year because he had me convinced I was the one with issues...even told me he thought I was bipolar). I don't know what is going to happen when he gets out. I've tried telling him his unemployment is almost up, but it doesn't seem to get in there. He talks about starting his own business which he's talked about for years, but there's no way. He just is not motivated or organized enough to ever do something like that. Maybe he'll prove me wrong, I am kind of a pessimist, but I just don't see it. I have to run out onto the production floor and work away from my desk for awhile... Any way your older DS's dad could take him to the therapise some of the time? That would alleviate some of your burden. From what you say he seem like a good guy (but terrible husband) so he may be willing to help out.
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 20, 2014 12:21:29 GMT -5
I know you're afraid of him taking you to court and the costs associated with this, but I think you could really use the power of a court decision behind you. It will make you be able to answer any query with "Sorry, that's against the court order" and then know exactly what is deemed reasonable and stick to that. Hopefully a GAL might be appointed and they can do the supervised visits. And get c/s worked out then too so it's at least accruing even if he's not paying it.
Or, maybe a 15 minute call to your lawyer about his thoughts on what reasonable supervised visitation would be. Then stick to that amount and put the onus on your ex to take you to court. It'll give you more time to put money aside for it and the court decision would be on him since he was the one that took it to a judge.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 13:25:03 GMT -5
I wrote an email to the "Family Advocate and Supervised Visitation Coordinator" in our town. Coincidentally, the Family Services department that oversees this also runs the halfway house. I basically asked her for advice in getting my son his own advocate that would set the hours and such. We'll see what she can do.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 13:40:43 GMT -5
GOOD!!! Remember what one poster said. Normally we all disagree with each other to some extent or the other but we are ALL united in that you are being played and get some help for yourself. This is a good first step.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 13:51:57 GMT -5
There was an ulterior motive to giving him the cell phone. I hid trackers on it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 13:52:59 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 14:34:33 GMT -5
I wrote an email to the "Family Advocate and Supervised Visitation Coordinator" in our town. Coincidentally, the Family Services department that oversees this also runs the halfway house. I basically asked her for advice in getting my son his own advocate that would set the hours and such. We'll see what she can do. Well, not real helpful. She just sent me the same parenting time booklet with some canned suggestions for times based on child's age with this disclaimer in the beginning. SPECIAL SITUATIONS The parenting time suggestions in this pamphlet may not be appropriate if there is genuine concern about a child's emotional or physical safety when with a parent. The parenting time suggestions in this pamphlet may not apply, or may need to be adjusted, if any of the following special situations exist: • Physical, sexual, or emotional child abuse has occurred. • Domestic violence has occurred between the parents or between a parent and child. • Drug or alcohol abuse has occurred.
Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, and Chemical Dependency Parents who have valid concerns for the safety of their children should seek help from an attorney, mediator, court services, child psychologist, domestic abuse office, or the local county social services agency.Then she told me that if I wanted more specific parenting times called out or an advocate, I'd have to petition the court.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 14:35:49 GMT -5
Well you're already paying $260/hr might as well put your lawyer to good use. Then if your ex is able to ever follow thru with his attorney threats you already have the paperwork to shut him up.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Mar 20, 2014 14:40:07 GMT -5
MPL I tried to post this before I went to work, but the message didn't go through and I had to leave. So here are a couple of things I picked up from your posts: 1) he is always at his worst at Easter --- after all the fasting during Lent he goes on a bender 2) He is cycling out of his current environment (went to level 3 out of 5 IIRC) 3) He is harrassing you constantly You added to that since this morning: 4) he is way better That last point scares the bejesus out of me. If this is much better... We are a couple of weeks into Lent and his religuous fervor is rearing an ugly head (see post regarding getting the child to church) and he will probably be out of his current somewhat controlled environment right around Easter when he is at his worst! This is going to be dangerous for you and your boys. Please listen to the others and get his behavior on record, get a restraining order now, etc., etc. You have to stay safe and keep your children safe as well! If xH really is getting all the help he needs then one day he will see that what you are doing is for the best of your sons. And if he never sees it -to bad for him- but that is just proof that you are doing what has to be done!!!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 20, 2014 14:41:26 GMT -5
Do you have anyone who can lend you some money to help pay your attorney? I do think it would be best to have things spelled out before your ex is released from the halfway house.
Petitioning the court for an order on parenting time/custody shouldn't take THAT much of your attorney's time. Maybe an hour or two to confer with you and draft the motion and an hour or two for a hearing - so in the $1K range.
I would never recommend going pro se in a custody case if it can be helped, but IMO it would be better for you to draft and file a petition for parenting time yourself (your state court or bar association website might have some examples) than to do nothing. The longer you wait and the more "cured" he appears to the average bystander, the less leverage you'll have.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 14:43:44 GMT -5
Well you're already paying $260/hr might as well put your lawyer to good use. Then if your ex is able to ever follow thru with his attorney threats you already have the paperwork to shut him up. He charges $260/hour. I paid to have the divorce done, but I'm not paying him ongoing for anything. In fact, the whole divorce was covered with the retainer I gave him in December.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Mar 20, 2014 14:49:17 GMT -5
MPL are you and your ex the same religion? As I mentioned before my parents were married over 50 years and belonged to the same church for all of the 50 years.
Not everyone knew of Dad's illness, Mom never talked openly about it, to other than their close friends, but I think Many Many church members knew. Dad had 2 or 3 breakdowns at church. He got up on the alter and started preaching once when I was a kid (I think he may have also done it more recently). They had a Monthly Lunch once a month with people from Church and I would say every one of the 12-14 in that group knew. So did several others.
I think the visitation at church is a good idea, and you should be able to clue in the Pastor and ask his co-operation/advice. If a select few know to keep an eye out, this may be a really good solution. My Mom often called the Priests from Church to talk Dad into admiting himself, he seemed to be more receptive vs. the Police. She said the only 2 times Police were called he Escalated to a Bipolar high very quickly.
I hope they will be successful in bringing your ex closer to "well" there are many many forms of mental illness and many medicines to treat them. It can take a while to hit on the right combination.
Is/was your Oldest Son's Dad friends with your Ex?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 14:50:30 GMT -5
Do you have anyone who can lend you some money to help pay your attorney? I do think it would be best to have things spelled out before your ex is released from the halfway house. Petitioning the court for an order on parenting time/custody shouldn't take THAT much of your attorney's time. Maybe an hour or two to confer with you and draft the motion and an hour or two for a hearing - so in the $1K range. I would never recommend going pro se in a custody case if it can be helped, but IMO it would be better for you to draft and file a petition for parenting time yourself (your state court or bar association website might have some examples) than to do nothing. The longer you wait and the more "cured" he appears to the average bystander, the less leverage you'll have. Yeah, only 1K. I'm currently making a $1600/month house payment and $500/month daycare on about 3K/month of income. I have savings, but I'm already eating into it every month for living expenses. The though of paying an attorney makes me a bit ill (no offense).
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 14:54:32 GMT -5
Do you have a law school anywhere nearby? Creighton's law school has a hotline you can call if you need help finding a low cost lawyer. Explain what you need and they'll do the legwork to find affordable lawyers for you and often the lawyers who participate offer a free consult which is something at least. I can totally understand paying $1k to have all that done makes you ill, but the clock is ticking on your ex's release and it's going to be that much harder to get him to cooperate once he's back on the street. $1k may be a small price to pay for your sanity and well being. The law will be on your side if you have all your legal T's crossed. Has your ex been formally diganosed? If he has there are often support groups both online and in person for various mental illnesses. You might want to do a google search. You really need someone local who understands what you're going thru and can help you process all this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 14:55:41 GMT -5
MPL are you and your ex the same religion? Is/was your Oldest Son's Dad friends with your Ex? No, not really. I joined the Catholic Church after we were married mostly to appease him, and was good with it for awhile, but after a few years got turned off of it and quit going. Oldest son's Dad is not friends with him, but he doesn't dislike him either.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 15:05:14 GMT -5
He charges $260/hour. I paid to have the divorce done, but I'm not paying him ongoing for anything. In fact, the whole divorce was covered with the retainer I gave him in December. You're in a LCOLA, right? I bet you could find someone cheaper. I work in a MCOLA and the large firm attorneys charge $250 - $350/hr, but in my hometown (LCOLA) I don't think anyone charges over $200. Well, he's fast, I'll give him that. The entire divorce was $860 and filing fees were over $400 of that.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2014 15:06:53 GMT -5
You're in a LCOLA, right? I bet you could find someone cheaper. I work in a MCOLA and the large firm attorneys charge $250 - $350/hr, but in my hometown (LCOLA) I don't think anyone charges over $200. Well, he's fast, I'll give him that. The entire divorce was $860 and filing fees were over $400 of that. Can you call and get an estimate of what getting visitation, CS, and perhaps a restraining order in place would cost you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 15:08:54 GMT -5
A restraining order I could get for free if I wanted. Women's Resource center does those. I don't know that I'm really being harassed though. That really would seem bitchy on my part.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 20, 2014 15:09:43 GMT -5
Here are some sample forms for Minnesota:
www.mncourts.gov/default.aspx?page=513&category=42
And here are the custody and parenting time forms:
www.mncourts.gov/default.aspx?page=513&item=53&itemType=packetDetails
If you have to, you can fill these out and file them yourself and then get an attorney to represent you at the hearing.
Or if you absolutely have to, you can represent yourself at the hearing (though if your ex has an attorney you'd really be better off having one there with you).
I know it's a terrible thing to have to spend money on when there is a mortgage to pay and food to put on the table. No offense taken whatever, and I completely get it. But the longer you wait the harder it's going to be. And once an order is in place, you don't necessarily need an attorney to go back and modify it every so often...
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 15:11:16 GMT -5
That really would seem bitchy on my part
I don't think so. He's already pushing you to leave the kid alone with him and that's when he knows damn well he has to be supervised. His family is also trying to get you to leave him alone with the kid. You don't know what he may decide to do once he's out of the halfway house. No way you want to chance him showing up at your house and trying to take the kid. Nobody likes to think their spouses would do something like that. .. then they do it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 15:36:18 GMT -5
I am so overwhelmed right now. All of this. The divorce, the kids, my job, worrying about the house flooding, trying to decide what to do with the house. I need counseling, son needs counseling, support groups, lawyers. Some time getting us to work/school on time and in clean underwear is a success.
Halfway house is calling...swell.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 15:38:35 GMT -5
I'd so donate to this cause. It's odd that we can donate for someone's teeth but not this.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 15:39:27 GMT -5
DON'T ANSWER!!! This guy is playing you had making you sick. Like him. He probably gets off on it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 15:39:37 GMT -5
Hugs Minnesota. We're here for you as best we can be.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2014 15:40:58 GMT -5
I am so overwhelmed right now. All of this. The divorce, the kids, my job, worrying about the house flooding, trying to decide what to do with the house. I need counseling, son needs counseling, support groups, lawyers. Some time getting us to work/school on time and in clean underwear is a success. Halfway house is calling...swell. Don't answer. Just don't.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 15:41:32 GMT -5
I'd so donate to this cause. It's odd that we can donate for someone's teeth but not this. I'm too proud for charity. He wanted to know what my plans were for tonight and he was thinking if I wanted to just go home tonight I could bring him tomorrow night and they could go to family night at the Y. I said I'd bring him by the house today. He also said he signed up for the Daddy and Me classes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 15:43:24 GMT -5
Tonight sounded better than tomorrow. I can use the "It's a school night" excuse to bail and have my Friday night to myself.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 15:45:21 GMT -5
Whoop-de-doo for him, doesn't mean you're under any obligations to take your son.
Does your employer by chance have an Employee Assistance Program? If they do take advantage of it. It's the same as seeing any other therapist in that it's 100% confidential and best of all it's FREE for a certain amount of sessions. Sometimes they'll offer more depending on the situation.
They're also often great resources for a lot of the things you're looking for, such as an advocate for your son. At the least they can recommend therapists to you that have experience dealing with what you're going thru.
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