flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Mar 20, 2014 9:41:27 GMT -5
But he IS treating you badly. You just don't see it because of the circumstances and pressure you're under. That's why you have us here to tell you that his behavior is NOT RIGHT, is not your fault, and is not your responsibility. Until you can see that for yourself.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 20, 2014 9:47:16 GMT -5
It's not your fault that he is mentally ill. It's not anyone's. But he is. If safeguarding your kids against someone who is mentally unstable makes you a bitch then own being a bitch. My first priority would be to my children and their safety. And I would not give a flying fuck what XH wants. He's already fucked with your head. Do you want to be the one who ALLOWS him to mess with your son's too? It's sad that he needs to be protected from his Dad. But he does. At least for now. And you are the one who needs to do it. My parents are still married. I know my dad loves me, but his love wasn't enough to protect me from my mom's untreated mental illnesses. I will never forgive my dad for turning a blind eye to all what he did. (At best, the mental and emotional abuse..at worst, the fact that I was self injuring.) When I was a young adult it was "Oh, dad is such a good dad for staying with mom, supporting her, etc." Now that I've got kids, I don't feel that way anymore.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 20, 2014 9:47:58 GMT -5
But he IS treating you badly. You just don't see it because of the circumstances and pressure you're under. That's why you have us here to tell you that his behavior is NOT RIGHT, is not your fault, and is not your responsibility. Until you can see that for yourself. Hugs MPL. And this is how we've got your back.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2014 9:56:20 GMT -5
But he IS treating you badly. You just don't see it because of the circumstances and pressure you're under. That's why you have us here to tell you that his behavior is NOT RIGHT, is not your fault, and is not your responsibility. Until you can see that for yourself. Hugs MPL. And this is how we've got your back. MPL, we say this because we care. But you ARE being treated very badly by your ex. Just because it's better than it was does NOT MAKE IT OK! I don't see how he could possibly be a good influence on your son right now. You have a duty to make the decisions for your family. Your family does not include your crazyman ex. You need to protect a child who is young enough not to know the difference in things that are ok and not ok. It sucks, but you're what he's got right now and you owe it to him to do right by him. Get CS in place, doesn't matter if he's on UE or not, he should still be accruing the debt. Get a formal visitation agreement. Report his behavior to the proper people in his halway house. And for gods sake plase stop taking his calls! 1 call to say goodnight to son, ok. Nothing else.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 9:56:43 GMT -5
It's not your fault that he is mentally ill. It's not anyone's. But he is. If safeguarding your kids against someone who is mentally unstable makes you a bitch then own being a bitch. My first priority would be to my children and their safety. And I would not give a flying fuck what XH wants. He's already fucked with your head. Do you want to be the one who ALLOWS him to mess with your son's too? It's sad that he needs to be protected from his Dad. But he does. At least for now. And you are the one who needs to do it. My parents are still married. I know my dad loves me, but his love wasn't enough to protect me from my mom's untreated mental illnesses. I will never forgive my dad for turning a blind eye to all what he did. (At best, the mental and emotional abuse..at worst, the fact that I was self injuring.) When I was a young adult it was "Oh, dad is such a good dad for staying with mom, supporting her, etc." Now that I've got kids, I don't feel that way anymore. Would it have been different if she was being treated do you think? My ex is getting a massive amount of help and is nothing like he was last Fall now that he's on bipolar meds and not amphetamines. He goes off on me about God and wanting to see our son, but when I bring him and they're together, he's really quite good with him. They play, read books, he makes him food...lots of food and insists he drinks lots of water (he was always obsessed with everyone getting enough water), then when it's time to go he tells DS to listen to me and take care of his Mom. I do think I am holding a lot of grudges from last year and it's not just based on how he is now.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 10:02:42 GMT -5
My ex is getting a massive amount of help and is nothing like he was last Fall now that he's on bipolar meds and not amphetamines
Yet he's still ranting about God, calling you multiple times a day, insisting he can visit his son unsupervised, calling you names, is paranoid about you "interfering"and is breaking the rules at the halfway house. Yeah he sounds REALLY better. Just b/c he is getting "massive amounts of help" and is "on meds" does not mean that he is better or has any business having a relationship with your son. Mentall illness is not that simple. If he were truly making progress he wouldn't be doing the things that he is currently doing. You need to look at his actual behavior. His current behavior shows no indications whatsoever that "help" is doing him one lick stitch of good. You need to deal with things as they are, not how you wish them to be. You can force a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. You can put a mentally ill person on meds and stick them in therapy but that doesn't mean it's working. A LOT of times they will jump thru hoops long enough to get back out on their own, then ditch the act. Also A LOT of mentally ill peole will decide they are "all better" and stop taking their medication/going to therapy once they are no longer forced to go. You seriously need to report him. I think he's pulling a number on the halfway house while showing his true side to you b/c he knows you'll do nothing about it. I am betting he'll drop a few levels if they hear a couple of his voicemails and find out he broke the rules concerning cell phones.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 20, 2014 10:04:42 GMT -5
MPL, just because he's being good to your son (now) doesn't justify him treating you "like a bitch" for wanting to restrict access to your son while he's still in treatment.
If he truly wanted to show he had changed, he would be nice - or at least civil - to you. But he knows that wearing you down will make you feel guilty and want to give him something just to shut him up for a while. (Same with the $200 and the phone. He won't pay c/s because he knows that he can hold the money over your head to make you give him something he wants).
I know it probably feels like we're piling on, and I don't want to do that at all. You are an incredibly strong person to still be standing after all you've gone through. I just want you to know that we are all on your side and are trying to give you a (somewhat) unbiased third party perspective. It's often hard to see people for who they really are when you're in the mix and/or have a history with them.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Mar 20, 2014 10:07:16 GMT -5
"Better than last fall" does not mean fine and mentally stable.
I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I'm sure he has many good qualities and you have some good memories of your time together. One day he may get it together and be responsible and stable. And then he would be deserving of more contact with your son. But today is not that day ( lol, just realized I quoted LOTR ). Why think of them as grudges? They are memories of recent past behavior that rightfully color how you view him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 10:09:00 GMT -5
Yeah he sounds REALLY better. Believe it or not, this IS way better. If you knew what last summer/fall was like you'd think it was a miracle turn around.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 10:09:08 GMT -5
"better" does not equal "well".
Until the state determines he is capable of independent living he is not afforded the same rights as someone who is. So he doesn't get to decide how things are going to happen. He can delude himself into thinking he can, just don't let him delude you as well.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Mar 20, 2014 10:11:45 GMT -5
MPL, if this wasn't your life, and someone was describing this situation to you, what would you tell them?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 10:12:33 GMT -5
Anyone want to trade places with me for a few weeks and give me a break, maybe clear some of this up? Preferably someone from somewhere like Florida.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 10:13:32 GMT -5
Believe it or not, this IS way better. If you knew what last summer/fall was like you'd think it was a miracle turn around
That doesn't mean he's even close to having a handle on the situation.
I could say "Well DH was using 3x a day but now he's only using 2x a day, that's better!" Uh no it's not, my DH is still an active addict and has no business being around our children if he's using. It doesn't matter that he is using two times a day instead of three. He's still using.
Again, as my therapist told me, you MUST view things as they currently are and make decisions based on that. Now how you wish things to be. You wish for him to be "better" and you're searching for evidence to back up your claims.
But the reality is based on what you've posted here the man isn't even close to having his issues under control. Just b/c he's not doing X now does not mean X will not happen again. It's also no assurance he won't skip straight to Y and Z either.
Don't be one of those people/parents that falls into the trap of seeing things thru rose colored glasses. You don't want yourself or your son to end up in a bad situation b/c you didn't want to "be a bitch".
I get the current situation is extremely ugly and unplesant, I've got skeletons in my own closet, but you owe it to your son to see the truth and act on it. Cause God knows your ex and his family aren't operating with a full deck.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2014 10:13:34 GMT -5
Yeah he sounds REALLY better. Believe it or not, this IS way better. If you knew what last summer/fall was like you'd think it was a miracle turn around. Please stop comparing to him to how bad he was. Compare him to a normal balanced person and see how 'well' he looks then. You son deserves a well parent not simply one who's better. (and we say these things because we care, I swear)
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Mar 20, 2014 10:30:43 GMT -5
Believe it or not, this IS way better. If you knew what last summer/fall was like you'd think it was a miracle turn around. Please stop comparing to him to how bad he was. Compare him to a normal balanced person and see how 'well' he looks then. You son deserves a well parent not simply one who's better. (and we say these things because we care, I swear) And on the flip side, please stop remembering how good he was and basing your decisions on your good memories of him. No one wants you to become bitter and resentful, but viewing him now based on how happy your marriage first was, how great he used to be, etc. is not in your best interest. No, he's not as bad as he was, but he's not as good as he was, either.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Mar 20, 2014 10:35:10 GMT -5
He's going to KEEP leveling up unless you TELL THEM he's breaking rules, and showing that he's not ok. He's manipulating them just like he's still manupliating you. And you're letting him get away with it. I know it's hard, but you really need to tell them about the phone and the treatment you're getting from him. I don't think he's as well as they think he is. All the calls he makes to me are from the office where they listen in, so they know what he's saying. This is going to make some of you flip out, but I don't know that he's really treating me badly, he just wants to see his son and I'm the one saying no all the time, to him for no apparent reason except to be a bitch. Oh dear. Honey, you say no because you want to live your life and have a say in how it is run - not because you are a bitch.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 10:38:17 GMT -5
And on the flip side, please stop remembering how good he was and basing your decisions on your good memories of him. No one wants you to become bitter and resentful, but viewing him now based on how happy your marriage first was, how great he used to be, etc. is not in your best interest. No, he's not as bad as he was, but he's not as good as he was, either
My therapist said that while DH relapsing did not erase what went on before, it DID mean that he was currently not hte man I married. I needed to view him and our marriage with the lens of a woman married to a relapsed addict. I had to make decisions on the facts as they currently stood today, not how they were in teh past or how I hoped they'd be in the future. MPL you need to see your ex for who he currently is. Not who he was or how you wish him to be in the future. Right now your ex is a very unstable man and based on the behavior you report doesn't show a lot of signs of ever getting back to stability. Since they only have 90 days the halfway house's threshold for "cured" is probably not that high since they need to cycle them out quickly. Just b/c they relase him doesn't mean he is cured or even close to having a shred of control over his condition. It also does not mean he will stick to anything he was forced to do in the half way house once he is on his own. You need to sit down with a therapist and discuss boundaries that need to be in place for once he is released. You should also put your lawyer into action to get a formal custody agreement written AND discuss with your son's preschool the situation. You don't want your ex deciding he is well enough to take the child on his own without you. You also don't want him showing up at your house to "visit" and then never leaving. Get everything in place to protect yourself and your son.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 20, 2014 10:42:48 GMT -5
MPL, I would seriously consider looking at another restraining order. I suspect that you have grounds for it.
Please do not leave your son alone with him. This just seems like all kinds of a bad idea.
Finally, you need to let them know that he has a cell phone with an internet connection. I'd probably be inclined to shut it down if I were you. There is just too much damage that he can do to you with it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 10:43:12 GMT -5
MPL, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I remember your 1st divorce back on the old boards, because I had gone thru a very similiar scenario in my 1st marriage, years earlier. I don't comment on the boards alot, but have read (intermittenly as time allows) of your progress since then, and I just want to say the way you've handled yourself is really admirable. Really. You're a good Mom, and good wife and you don't deserve this crap from these guys. Sheesh! I hope you find affordable resources that can help you manuever through what's currently on your plate. I understand $$$ is a finite commodity (single mom to two for 10 yrs..'89-'99) Trust me, I know what a struggle it can be, but you have proven yourself before and you'll overcome this, too. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other... Stay strong.....Best wishes.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 20, 2014 10:44:17 GMT -5
Does he get out in 90 days no matter how what rating the half way house gives him? I'm assuming he does, but I'd still report everything and ask them why he is allowed to continue to make those kinds of calls to you when they are supposed to be monitoring him. I'm thinking the CYA route here--you don't want anyone to use an unrealistic rating of him against you down the road.
Can his weekly visitation be at church? You sit close enough that you can see if he tried to leave with him, but yds can sit through church with dad and then have time together with the donut crowd afterwards. As I recall, you didn't keep the abuse quiet so your circle know what has happened. If there is a group of people he'll be less likely to lecture you. Just as a way to get through until you have the free visitation center. Coupled with the skype phone so he can't call you all the time either.
But, (and I have no idea how difficult this would be with yds dad) I'd also talk to your ods dad and see if he would be okay with you moving to Hawaii. Ods can come back for the entire summer and then you guys tackle what to do come fall. Maybe he stays with you, maybe with his dad, maybe he does an online school and goes back and forth. I know it isn't ideal, but this is a less than ideal situation.
Oh, and I definitely think the courts should appoint a GAL for your son. You need a professional to look at this situation and there isn't anyone involved right now who can be even remotely unbiased.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 20, 2014 10:52:41 GMT -5
That's not a bad idea, MPL.....you tell your ex that you will take yds to meet your ex at church and will be waiting for him. You do not have to sit with them, but just be close enough that you can keep an eye on him. At the end of mass, you take the child and exit.
That way, he is going to be limited as to what he can do, and he is going to be surrounded by others so probably not inclined to bail with the child. It also gets the religious aspect out of the way, so he feels like he's done his duty to his child.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 10:53:19 GMT -5
It's so hard for me to do anything due to time constraints. My older son sees a therapist every other week, and even that is a pain to get him to. Nobody around here works evenings or weekends, so going means taking vacation from work. I'm so paranoid to use what time I have because I need it for when kids are sick or daycare is closed and I really don't want to rock the boat at work after they just had a huge layoff and are expecting a slow year. I may call a guy I used to see (yes, I was seeing a couple therapists before last year because he had me convinced I was the one with issues...even told me he thought I was bipolar).
I don't know what is going to happen when he gets out. I've tried telling him his unemployment is almost up, but it doesn't seem to get in there. He talks about starting his own business which he's talked about for years, but there's no way. He just is not motivated or organized enough to ever do something like that. Maybe he'll prove me wrong, I am kind of a pessimist, but I just don't see it.
I have to run out onto the production floor and work away from my desk for awhile...
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 20, 2014 10:55:05 GMT -5
Would it have been different if she was being treated do you think? My ex is getting a massive amount of help and is nothing like he was last Fall now that he's on bipolar meds and not amphetamines. He goes off on me about God and wanting to see our son, but when I bring him and they're together, he's really quite good with him. They play, read books, he makes him food...lots of food and insists he drinks lots of water (he was always obsessed with everyone getting enough water), then when it's time to go he tells DS to listen to me and take care of his Mom. I do think I am holding a lot of grudges from last year and it's not just based on how he is now. Likely not. The clinical depression could have been worked on. This, she knew about, but refused to seek tradition treatment for it (therapy, medication, etc). The other one is a personality disorder. It's very hard to get those folks into treatment. Our family put on a nice show for the outside world. To people living outside of our house we had a very loving, close relationship. Had I told people my reality, they likely would not believe me. Skeletons are, indeed, kept in the closet.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 10:55:36 GMT -5
That's not a bad idea, MPL.....you tell your ex that you will take yds to meet your ex at church and will be waiting for him. You do not have to sit with them, but just be close enough that you can keep an eye on him. At the end of mass, you take the child and exit. That way, he is going to be limited as to what he can do, and he is going to be surrounded by others so probably not inclined to bail with the child. It also gets the religious aspect out of the way, so he feels like he's done his duty to his child. Yeah, I'm considering doing this. I was thinking about it last week, but the way he was demanding it kind of pissed me off.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 11:05:58 GMT -5
It might not apply but I'd check to se if taking your son to therapy for all this qualifies under FMLA. It says you can take leave ot deal with the health issues of a spouse or child. It's at least worth asking Employee Resources about. If it does then definetly apply and use that protection.
ETA: If you find it does apply then you do not have to take all 12 wks at once. You are entitled to use it intermittently as long as the 12 wks all fall within the same calendar year.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 11:24:03 GMT -5
Look, my EX was a great husband and father. No one purposely marries an asshole, I hope. But his family was messed up, clue number one, and he had an addictive personality which finally led to his addictions. The person I married was not the person I divorced. This is why I don't want DD to marry her latest boyfriend. He's a nice guy, on the surface, but his family is majorly messed up and he will bring that shit into the relationship. He already does.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Mar 20, 2014 11:27:13 GMT -5
MPL - I just want to pop in and say keep doing the best you can. Resources are limited, but you and and will get through this. I agree with a lot of what others have written, but it's already been written and you will do what you can with it. Let us know if there's anything we can to do help, in the meantime *hugs.*
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 20, 2014 11:28:51 GMT -5
It might not apply but I'd check to se if taking your son to therapy for all this qualifies under FMLA. It says you can take leave ot deal with the health issues of a spouse or child. It's at least worth asking Employee Resources about. If it does then definetly apply and use that protection. It will qualify, the problem is that she would either need to take time without pay or use up sick/vacation time. I do understand her reluctance to use too much time, especially if she has already weathered a round of layoffs.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 11:31:25 GMT -5
Plus, don't tell anyone at work anything about this!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 11:33:48 GMT -5
It will qualify, the problem is that she would either need to take time without pay or use up sick/vacation
I was thinking there'd be less worry about job loss if she's covered under FMLA while gone. Wouldn't solve the pay/PTO problem though. There really isn't an ideal way to handle it no matter how she goes about it unfortunately.
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