zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 7:06:23 GMT -5
I think that's why I'm so afraid to marry DF. My EX was nice, too, but almost the minute we were married, things started to change. I see it now but of course I didn't then. I thought it was the normal compromises that people make, except I was doing all the compromising. Zib, I don't think you are alone, for many varied reasons people 50-60+ are remaining single/maintaining separate finances. People no longer care so much if people are married or not. It matters to DF and it seems to matter to more people than it doesn't. I feel pressured.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 7:10:31 GMT -5
I know we have lawyers on this board, if they can't advise maybe yours can and it may be worth the $260 to hear it. I would take no my kids away to Hawaii in a NYM and I'd tell the older one why I was. He's not stupid and he knows his dad is nuts. Kids get guilted into saving their parents. The best thing you could do for him, yourself, and your youngest is go as far away as you can. If your dad will take you in and help you until you can get on your feet, take the lifeline and get on the life raft.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 7:12:44 GMT -5
We have present and former posters who subjected their kids to nutty parents because of guilt, family pressure or whatever excuse there was. Those kids are not and won't be in good shape mentally because of this exposure. If the lawyers say you can't move away, well, then you are stuck and I'm sorry. But if they say there's a chance to get away, take it for your sake and your children's sake.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 7:40:51 GMT -5
I have a teenage relative who was dating a controlling, self-abusing boy who scared the crap out of her, yet she won't break up with him. Why? Because he said if she did, he would commit suicide. My niece's dad committed suicide when she was about nine, and just that word makes her cry. She's been in therapy since her dad died and I think it was her therapist who finally convinced her to get away from this guy. This boy being so young makes me wonder....what is happening to cause men to grow up this way?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 7:47:08 GMT -5
Older son is not his. He has an amazing Dad that I wouldn't take him away from. I don't think I would be allowed even if I wanted to.
Ex wants to continue a relationship with his stepson, but I have no interest in fostering that. After his "real" son was born, he had no interest in him and never attended any of his scout/school/sporting functions, but now he wants to sign up for things with him? I don't know. Maybe he's just trying to make amends. I told him to just focus on getting himself better and forget about older son that he has no claim to him in any way, and he then goes off about how he's his godfather and will be a part of his life forever and he's responsible for ensuring that he has a relationship with God. Well, he sent a bunch of religious books home with for older son last time I was visiting and my son was obviously uncomfortable. He said he was afraid to tell him he didn't want to get confirmed and he thinks he might be an atheist. I told him not to get all stressed out about it, that whatever he believed was fine.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 8:06:50 GMT -5
Holy crap! This isn't even his kid and you're letting him see him? Put a kibosh on that right now. I'm surprised his dad hasn't insisted HIS son not be exposed to that man. Well, then, you are stuck there with the nut unless you want to move and take younger child with you and see your older one when you can. Very sad. I am so sorry. Hopefully nut takes himself out and no one else and you can finally live in peace.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 8:07:27 GMT -5
He doesn't want to make amends, he wants to F with you some more and using your kid to do so.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:10:04 GMT -5
No. I'm not letting him see him. He hasn't seen him since last June except for once when we accidentally bumped into him last Fall.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 8:12:38 GMT -5
Then how does he have religious literature?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:13:15 GMT -5
He sent it home with me when I was visiting with younger son and asked me to give it to him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 8:15:48 GMT -5
Ugh, throw it out. If you can't bring yourself to tell him to leave your kid alone then tell him his dad insisted on it. Shudder. I'm so sorry.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2014 8:19:34 GMT -5
MPL, like everyone here I am sorry that this is going on. Can you have a court-appointed advocate or social worker there for the supervision? It really seems like a not-great idea for you to be the supervisor. I don't know. I have to do something. They are going to start a new supervised visitation center come July that is free, but right now if you go through family services it's $30/hour. There's no way either one of us can afford it. People say, tough, if he wants to see him make him pay, but then I get the wrath of him and his family that I'm intentionally trying to keep him away from his son, which isn't it at all. I just don't want to supervise. Then I get told to take the supervised out or let his family do it. Ugh. When I balk, I'm being ridiculous. is ther4e anyone on his side that's reasonable and responsible enough to supervise until July?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 8:21:22 GMT -5
Does it have to be HIS family supervising? Don't you have any friends who would help you out? Crap, I'd do it if I was there. I used to do drop off and pick ups from contentious parents. I'm a mcdonalds groupie.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Mar 20, 2014 8:23:24 GMT -5
MPL, I have nothing much to add, but just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I am hoping for the best for you.
As for your ODS, I wouldn't have him anywhere near your Ex and wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about it. It sounds like they barely had a relationship while you were married, so with the situation being what it is now, it may be better to let what little ties they have go.
And on that note, I agree your Ex doesn't seem to fully realize you two are divorced. You said he was calling all the time and whatnot. I think if it were me ( and it's not, so I can only imagine how hard this is on you), I wouldn't be answering his calls. I'd be following his visitation schedule with YDS, but that's all the contact I'd allow between you all. Maybe then he would get the point that you are his Ex wife. You have enough on your plate right now. Dealing with him more than necessary is an added stress and burden you don't need.
Anyway, hugs to you, and please take care of yourself and your boys.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:26:23 GMT -5
Well, it really wasn't anything awful. I think one was a book on becoming a teenager and the trials and tribulations with a Christian slant. The other was "A Case for God" or something like that. I presented them, he had no interest, I set them aside to return.
Older son's Dad doesn't dislike him either but he's a very tolerant, understanding guy and just wants him to get help and get better. For an atheist, he's the most "Jesus-like" person I know. LOL
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2014 8:27:19 GMT -5
Don't let his family guilt you, either. You need to read those boundary books that posters recommend as well as the sociopath next door. What eye openers.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:31:15 GMT -5
You don't have to deliver any messages to your older DS, written or otherwise. Don't let ex guilt you into it, either! Maybe paying for someone to supervise should be considered money well spent for your sanity.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:31:29 GMT -5
I don't know. I have to do something. They are going to start a new supervised visitation center come July that is free, but right now if you go through family services it's $30/hour. There's no way either one of us can afford it. People say, tough, if he wants to see him make him pay, but then I get the wrath of him and his family that I'm intentionally trying to keep him away from his son, which isn't it at all. I just don't want to supervise. Then I get told to take the supervised out or let his family do it. Ugh. When I balk, I'm being ridiculous. is ther4e anyone on his side that's reasonable and responsible enough to supervise until July? Not close by. He has a brother and SIL here that would be good, but they have 5 kids of their own and zero time. His Mother is the biggest enabler of all time and a complete moron to boot. His one sister would be good, but she lives in CT and the remaining two that live here are both in jail (and I wouldn't let them do it anyhow). Other brothers live far away.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Mar 20, 2014 8:35:27 GMT -5
Have you asked ODS if he wants any kind of relationship with your Ex? I think if his answer is no, or not with how he is now, or something like that, then I wouldn't even be delivering messages from the Ex to him. I agree your Ex is trying to maintain ties to remain in your life. For being an Ex, he's already taking up too much space in your life as it is.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2014 8:36:25 GMT -5
is ther4e anyone on his side that's reasonable and responsible enough to supervise until July? Not close by. He has a brother and SIL here that would be good, but they have 5 kids of their own and zero time. His Mother is the biggest enabler of all time and a complete moron to boot. His one sister would be good, but she lives in CT and the remaining two that live here are both in jail (and I wouldn't let them do it anyhow). Other brothers live far away. Well i'd be a bitch and tell the enabler mother if she wants crazy man to see his kid, she's coughing up $30 a pop, because you're not getting CS for him (i assume) and can't afford it. You are no longer drazy man's wife and not reponsible for him meeting the criteria of visitation. IF you want to preserve a relationship with the sane sibs of crazyman, then talk to them seperately. I am sure they understand crazyman is not well and is taking things out on you and you have to take care of yourself and your sons first.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:38:34 GMT -5
I do hate the phone calls. Lots of times if I see that number come up I'll grab the phone and run out to the barn so the kids don't know who I'm talking to. He called last night to say goodnight to his son and then DS didn't really want to talk and he got mad at me saying I was coaching him, which wasn't true. I hand the phone over and go do something else. He's 3 he doesn't like talking for long periods on the phone.
But, then I put myself in his position and I'd be pretty irate if I couldn't call and talk to my kids.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:42:47 GMT -5
Have you asked ODS if he wants any kind of relationship with your Ex? I think if his answer is no, or not with how he is now, or something like that, then I wouldn't even be delivering messages from the Ex to him. I agree your Ex is trying to maintain ties to remain in your life. For being an Ex, he's already taking up too much space in your life as it is. No. I haven't. There was a no contact order most of last year and then he was in jail for 4 months, so it never was an issue until just the past few weeks and we never talked about it.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Mar 20, 2014 8:44:19 GMT -5
I do hate the phone calls. Lots of times if I see that number come up I'll grab the phone and run out to the barn so the kids don't know who I'm talking to. He called last night to say goodnight to his son and then DS didn't really want to talk and he got mad at me saying I was coaching him, which wasn't true. I hand the phone over and go do something else. He's 3 he doesn't like talking for long periods on the phone. But, then I put myself in his position and I'd be pretty irate if I couldn't call and talk to my kids. I get that he has mental issues that contribute, but a lot of his problems seem to be self inflicted. Therefore, it's not your fault he's not with his child every day, it's his. I would not be answering that phone.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2014 8:44:49 GMT -5
But, then I put myself in his position and I'd be pretty irate if I couldn't call and talk to my kids.
Key difference is you are sane. Your ex is not. I see nothing wrong with screening phone calls and refusing to let him talk to his son, especially if he's going to be difficult about it. You already have enough on your plate being expected to provide supervised visits. He doesn't need to be contacting you at home as well.
I totally get a 3 year isn't near old enough to comprehend what is going on right now and I understand wanting him to have a relationship with his father. But unfortunately this isn't the same thing as your ODS having a relationship with his father. The boundaries are going to have to be a lot tougher when it comes to your 3 year old and his father.
Does the county provide any free/sliding scale family counseling? You might want to look into that so they can help you draw up boundaries and as best you can help your 3 year old understand what's going on. They can explain things in an age appropriate manner and help him thru things a lot better since they're not as close to the situation.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 20, 2014 8:46:24 GMT -5
But you're sane. He's not.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:46:35 GMT -5
How many times a day does he call?
YOU get to decide whether or not you want to answer it. I'd leave it at most once a day, preferably once a week (realistically? once every other day or so).
The man is not well!!! I don't think it is good for you or your son to have much contact with him while he's still in flux. I'd do the court ordered minimum and that's it.
Good luck!!!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 20, 2014 8:47:47 GMT -5
I know we have lawyers on this board, if they can't advise maybe yours can and it may be worth the $260 to hear it. I would take no my kids away to Hawaii in a NYM and I'd tell the older one why I was. He's not stupid and he knows his dad is nuts. Kids get guilted into saving their parents. The best thing you could do for him, yourself, and your youngest is go as far away as you can. If your dad will take you in and help you until you can get on your feet, take the lifeline and get on the life raft. The problem is that her older child has a very close relationship with his father, and the younger child also sees the guy as a father figure.
A judge isn't going to let her move if Dad 1 says no.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:48:27 GMT -5
Not close by. He has a brother and SIL here that would be good, but they have 5 kids of their own and zero time. His Mother is the biggest enabler of all time and a complete moron to boot. His one sister would be good, but she lives in CT and the remaining two that live here are both in jail (and I wouldn't let them do it anyhow). Other brothers live far away. Well i'd be a bitch and tell the enabler mother if she wants crazy man to see his kid, she's coughing up $30 a pop, because you're not getting CS for him (i assume) and can't afford it. You are no longer drazy man's wife and not reponsible for him meeting the criteria of visitation. IF you want to preserve a relationship with the sane sibs of crazyman, then talk to them seperately. I am sure they understand crazyman is not well and is taking things out on you and you have to take care of yourself and your sons first. Well, I'm going to a family gathering/annual poker party next Saturday for his side and even cooking the ham! So, maybe I'll try to start a discussion there. His sister from CT is coming for a one week visit and wants to see our son (her godson) and this is the only time she's here every year. My ex won't be there. He WANTS to and is telling his family he can get a pass, but there's no way in hell they're going to let him leave for 4+ hours to go to a poker party, with alcohol, at the home of his Mom's boyfriend who he is not supposed to have any contact with for a year. But, this is how he is. Rules mean nothing or are too stupid to be followed.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Mar 20, 2014 8:50:06 GMT -5
How many times a day does he call? YOU get to decide whether or not you want to answer it. I'd leave it at most once a day, preferably once a week (realistically? once every other day or so). The man is not well!!! I don't think it is good for you or your son to have much contact with him while he's still in flux. I'd do the court ordered minimum and that's it. Good luck!!! So this!!! Please draw a boundary and protect yourself and your own mental health.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 8:50:07 GMT -5
He WANTS a lot of things to happen. It doesn't mean he's going to get it.
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