midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,720
|
Post by midjd on Apr 2, 2014 11:05:57 GMT -5
Ok. The elephant in the room. This would piss him off to no end, and yes that scares me. Completely understandable. Not many people have dealt with someone whose mental state puts them completely out of control. But like someone said, you could be sitting in a room all by yourself with your hands underneath you and he might get mad at the way you were sitting on your hands. The fact that he is mentally unstable means that ANYTHING could set him off. Avoiding further legal action with the idea that it will keep him calm will do nothing but allow him continued access to you and your son, when he has repeatedly demonstrated that he is not able to control himself in any situation. Eventually something will piss him off and you'll have a long uphill battle to try to restrict his access to your son (who will soon be at the age when he starts to remember these things...)
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,091
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 2, 2014 11:07:13 GMT -5
This would piss him off to no end, and yes that scares me.
I hate to break it to you Minnesota but unless you dance to the exact tune he wants you to (let him be alone with your son, give him money, give him phones, whatever else he's asked you to do for him) he's going to be pissed off to no end.
This is a man with a mental illness, you can't soothe the savage beast. There will always be SOMETHING.
You need to take care of this while he is in jail, so if when he gets out he causes trouble he'll be sent right back where he started.
You're in for a world of hurt if you don't do something about him now while you have the advantage. It's better he be pissed off in jail than be pissed off on the streets.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Apr 2, 2014 11:08:57 GMT -5
Ok. The elephant in the room. This would piss him off to no end, and yes that scares me. Of course it scares you. The guy is UNSTABLE! I faced the same situation with my first husband, the unstable, narcissistic drunk. Thing is, if you don't do something now, you're going to have to continue to deal with him, and he might just grab your boy and run, mpl! What scares you more?
|
|
Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
|
Post by Chocolate Lover on Apr 2, 2014 11:10:47 GMT -5
Ok. The elephant in the room. This would piss him off to no end, and yes that scares me. Even more reason to get the paperwork together while he's locked up and make sure the supervision for visits doesn't come from YOU. The less interaction you have to have with him, the less you can worry about how mad he is.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:11:53 GMT -5
Ok. The elephant in the room. This would piss him off to no end, and yes that scares me. Of course it scares you. The guy is UNSTABLE! I faced the same situation with my first husband, the unstable, narcissistic drunk. Thing is, if you don't do something now, you're going to have to continue to deal with him, and he might just grab your boy and run, mpl! What scares you more?See, now I see that as more of a possibility if he feels like I'm taking him away from him.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Apr 2, 2014 11:15:14 GMT -5
Of course it scares you. The guy is UNSTABLE! I faced the same situation with my first husband, the unstable, narcissistic drunk. Thing is, if you don't do something now, you're going to have to continue to deal with him, and he might just grab your boy and run, mpl! What scares you more?See, now I see that as more of a possibility if he feels like I'm taking him away from him. Wrong! He's going to feel that way anyway. He'll blame everything on you because you're a familiar scapegoat and he knows you'll take his abuse. You need to take the steps necessary to get him away from you and the boys. That will be accomplished through the law, mpl. You need orders of protection in place and you need to get things going RIGHT NOW.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,091
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 2, 2014 11:17:43 GMT -5
, now I see that as more of a possibility if he feels like I'm taking him away from him.
Minnesota you've bent over backwards till you've nearly snapped with the guy and he tried to go off alone with your son at the library. He's insisting you leave them alone at the halfway house (which sounds like it has almost zero actual supervision). He's got family who agree with HIM about being alone with his son.
You're not keeping him from doing ANYTHING. He's been testing your boundaries the entire time. He has no respect for the current court order as it stands. He KNOWS you got nothing.
You need legal documentation in place so if he keeps pushing you can land his ass back in jail. You need to be able to put some bite behind the bark.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:19:58 GMT -5
My sister, who may I remind you has been divorced from her ex for 7 years, told me today that "she has to let DS stay at his Dad's tonight because ex wants him. And DS says he wants to go, too".
So what? I told her she doesn't HAVE to let him go just because they want it. Ex is supposed to get him Tuesday night and every other weekend. She's only HAS to follow the custody agreement.
Ex is starting some shit with her anyway. He accused her of co-sleeping with her 11 year old which is "messing his head up" (no, but when he's upset she will lay down and rub his hair). She took her son to the doctor on Monday because he hasn't been sleeping well lately and the doc prescribed 1 mg of melatonin. She sent it with DS on Tuesday and got a call this morning from him saying "Dad and I decided that I shouldn't take those pills because I could become a drug addict".
So her ex accused her of co-sleeping and giving him pills. << eyeroll >>
She's worried he is going to try to go back to court and I tell her let him! he's 2 months behind on child support (which she should get garnished but she's got "ducks to get in a row" before she can spend money on another court filing.
But she'll send him and then give me an update on ex's newest tirade tomorrow. *sigh*...
So I ask you,MPL, do you want to keep doing the same shit for a decade?!?
How about you get everything done NOW when it's nice and easy instead of waiting and ending up like my sister? Who thought that once she was divorced she would be done with him and his shit but instead she keeps having to take him back to court because she believes his lies when he says he will take care of something.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:21:46 GMT -5
why does anyone want to get married, let alone have a baby with someone else ?
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 2, 2014 11:22:34 GMT -5
why does anyone want to get married, let alone have a baby with someone else ? Asks the man with 2.5 kids....
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:26:13 GMT -5
why does anyone want to get married, let alone have a baby with someone else ? Don't worry. You're fine. It's just that I am cursed in the marriage department. I'd LOVE to know what I did in past life. I think I was some womanizing asshole.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 2, 2014 11:27:51 GMT -5
Um, wow. This took a turn. (It's ironic that I started this thread asking about Terri.) I haven't been on the boards lately - jumped on yesterday at random and have been catching up on and off ever since. I've now read every post.
What paperwork do I have saying he's unstable. I'm not being snarky, I really don't know.
You DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. You document when he calls, when he texts, what he says, what he does, what he doesn't do, when he breaks rules, when he pulls stunts like trying to duck the "supervision" part of his visitation. Document everything you can remember (with dates and approximate times if possible) and definitely continue to document everything going forward. You're in a much stronger position if you can say "Well, he sent me this crazy email on March 20th at 8:15 pm."
Even if it's just a record of what you remember him saying to you on the phone and there's no "proof" he said it, people will look favorably on a written record that you documented five minutes after the call was over and be much more inclined to take your word against his regarding what was said.
At first, I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that he was back in jail, but now it doesn't sound like the physical assault was that serious so I doubt he'll stay there... AND he can't go back to the halfway house. So actually the situation just got way more serious.
I hope to hell you call a lawyer today, MPL... maybe you'll get another vacation but after reading the thread I honestly think it's much more likely he's going to take your little guy and skip town if he gets out anytime soon. Best case, he's going to wind up living in your driveway like everyone has been warning you.
You don't know when he's going to get out and he can't go back to the halfway house, so for all you know you may not even have the month you thought you would to get things in order.
Get going now.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:29:38 GMT -5
why does anyone want to get married, let alone have a baby with someone else ? Don't worry. You're fine. It's just that I am cursed in the marriage department. I'd LOVE to know what I did in past life. I think I was some womanizing asshole. I'm fine until I go insane. Granted I am not big enough to cause to much physical harm, but I could get a weapon.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:32:49 GMT -5
Um, wow. This took a turn. (It's ironic that I started this thread asking about Terri.) I haven't been on the boards lately - jumped on yesterday at random and have been catching up on and off ever since. I've now read every post. What paperwork do I have saying he's unstable. I'm not being snarky, I really don't know. You DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. You document when he calls, when he texts, what he says, what he does, what he doesn't do, when he breaks rules, when he pulls stunts like trying to duck the "supervision" part of his visitation. Document everything you can remember (with dates and approximate times if possible) and definitely continue to document everything going forward. You're in a much stronger position if you can say "Well, he sent me this crazy email on March 20th at 8:15 pm." Even if it's just a record of what you remember him saying to you on the phone and there's no "proof" he said it, people will look favorably on a written record that you documented five minutes after the call was over and be much more inclined to take your word against his regarding what was said. At first, I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that he was back in jail, but now it doesn't sound like the physical assault was that serious so I doubt he'll stay there... AND he can't go back to the halfway house. So actually the situation just got way more serious. I hope to hell you call a lawyer today, MPL... maybe you get another vacation but after reading the thread I honestly think it's much more likely he's going to take your little guy and skip town if he gets out anytime soon. Best case, he's going to wind up living in your driveway like everyone has been warning you. You don't know when he's going to get out and he can't go back to the halfway house, so for all you know you may not even have the month you thought you would to get things in order. Get going now. Well, I really don't think they can just let him out. He is on probation with something like 2 years of jail time over his head. One of the conditions of his probation was he completed the program at the halfway house.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:39:28 GMT -5
Ok. The elephant in the room. This would piss him off to no end, and yes that scares me. If it's all spelled out in a court document The blame will be off of you. And he can redirect his rants at the court system instead!
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,091
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 2, 2014 11:42:30 GMT -5
And he can redirect his rants at the court system instead And the courts aren't going to be bullied like he knows he can bully you. Plus as people have pointed out when you get this process started an advocate will be assigned to your son. That will take A LOT of pressure off of you. They will be objective observers who won't feel bad for upholding the rules. They'll also have no problems informing the courts of any crap he pulls.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 2, 2014 11:42:33 GMT -5
Um, wow. This took a turn. (It's ironic that I started this thread asking about Terri.) I haven't been on the boards lately - jumped on yesterday at random and have been catching up on and off ever since. I've now read every post. What paperwork do I have saying he's unstable. I'm not being snarky, I really don't know. You DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. You document when he calls, when he texts, what he says, what he does, what he doesn't do, when he breaks rules, when he pulls stunts like trying to duck the "supervision" part of his visitation. Document everything you can remember (with dates and approximate times if possible) and definitely continue to document everything going forward. You're in a much stronger position if you can say "Well, he sent me this crazy email on March 20th at 8:15 pm." Even if it's just a record of what you remember him saying to you on the phone and there's no "proof" he said it, people will look favorably on a written record that you documented five minutes after the call was over and be much more inclined to take your word against his regarding what was said. At first, I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that he was back in jail, but now it doesn't sound like the physical assault was that serious so I doubt he'll stay there... AND he can't go back to the halfway house. So actually the situation just got way more serious. I hope to hell you call a lawyer today, MPL... maybe you get another vacation but after reading the thread I honestly think it's much more likely he's going to take your little guy and skip town if he gets out anytime soon. Best case, he's going to wind up living in your driveway like everyone has been warning you. You don't know when he's going to get out and he can't go back to the halfway house, so for all you know you may not even have the month you thought you would to get things in order. Get going now. Well, I really don't think they can just let him out. He is on probation with something like 2 years of jail time over his head. One of the conditions of his probation was he completed the program at the halfway house. MPL, I have no idea what jail conditions are like in your area. IF they're crowded, he might manage to get out due to overpopulation. I don't know. But Firebird brought up a good point on time.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:44:30 GMT -5
Well, I really don't think they can just let him out. He is on probation with something like 2 years of jail time over his head. One of the conditions of his probation was he completed the program at the halfway house. MPL, I have no idea what jail conditions are like in your area. IF they're crowded, he might manage to get out due to overpopulation. I don't know. But Firebird brought up a good point on time. He was in there for 4 months with a $50 bail, but they wouldn't let him go unless he had someone that agreed to take him.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 2, 2014 11:49:23 GMT -5
Well, I really don't think they can just let him out. He is on probation with something like 2 years of jail time over his head. One of the conditions of his probation was he completed the program at the halfway house. MPL, I have no idea what jail conditions are like in your area. IF they're crowded, he might manage to get out due to overpopulation. I don't know. But Firebird brought up a good point on time. For a violation of probation, the general rule is that the defendant will have to fulfill the original sentence, including all the jail time, fines, costs, etc., and possible even redo the probation period. But as Beth pointed out, he may get credit for time served, independent of the fact that he violated probation. So if the jail sentence is two years, and he has been jailed a total of four months awaiting trial for his original and second arrests, he may serve the two years minus those four months as credit for time served.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 2, 2014 11:50:16 GMT -5
MPL, I haven't kept up with the thread, but just wanted to say how so so very sorry I am that you are going through this.
I remember how happy you were when you met this guy and I thought for SURE after what you went through with ex #1 - universe made it right by you.
So, again, I just want to say - I am sorry
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:55:39 GMT -5
MPL, I have no idea what jail conditions are like in your area. IF they're crowded, he might manage to get out due to overpopulation. I don't know. But Firebird brought up a good point on time. For a violation of probation, the general rule is that the defendant will have to fulfill the original sentence, including all the jail time, fines, costs, etc., and possible even redo the probation period. But as Beth pointed out, he may get credit for time served, independent of the fact that he violated probation. So if the jail sentence is two years, and he has been jailed a total of four months awaiting trial for his original and second arrests, he may serve the two years minus those four months as credit for time served. Now that I look at it, I think maybe it's just one year with probation being two? Term: 365 Days Time To Serve: 111 Days Stay 254 Days For 2 Yr Credit For Time Served: 111 Days Status: Active 02/12/2014 Monitoring - Adult: Type: Supervised probation Agency: MN Department of Corrections.- Field Services Term of 2 Yr 02/12/2014 - 02/12/2016 Status: Active 02/12/2014 Condition - Adult: 1. Sign Probation Agreement, outlining all general and special conditions of probation. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 2. Follow all instructions of probation, Abide by a MN DOC case plan as directed by the supervising agent and abide by reasonable directives of the supervising agent. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 3. Follow all Conditions set forth in the Probation Agreement, General conditions 1-9 as recommended in the PSI, are made part of this sentence. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 4. Remain law-abiding, and have no further violations while on probation. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 5. Random testing, That the defendant submit to random testing at the request of the agent at any time or an officer believing (s)he may be using. Refusal to test will be deemed a violation. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 6. No alcohol/controlled substance use, unless prescribed and then taken only as prescribed. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 7. No possession of alcohol or drugs, unless prescribed and then taken only as prescribed. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 8. No Contact with Persons Associated with Illegal Drugs, That the defendant not associate with individuals who are using or possessing alcohol or controlled substances. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 9. Psychological evaluation/treatment, and follow recommendations, that includes any evaluation already completed or that will be completed. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 10. Write letter of apology, to the victim, within 30 days. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 11. No assault, or threatening behavior. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 12. No contact with victim(s), 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 13. Complete treatment, Comply with all programming at the Hiawatha Hall. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014 Fees - Adult: (Grand Total: $75.00) Due 12/31/2014 Fine: $3,000.00 Fees: (Fees Total: $75.00) Criminal Surcharge: $75.00 Stay of $3,000.00 for 2 Yr
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:56:37 GMT -5
How about instead of you trying to decipher it, you call up your attorney and have him look at it?
ETA: And you can bring up amending the divorce agreement with your xDH. Since you're going to be there anyway....
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:58:15 GMT -5
MPL, I haven't kept up with the thread, but just wanted to say how so so very sorry I am that you are going through this. I remember how happy you were when you met this guy and I thought for SURE after what you went through with ex #1 - universe made it right by you. So, again, I just want to say - I am sorry Thanks. I feel like this was some kind of cruel joke. I have to remember, it's been 7 years and the first 4, maybe even 5 were great.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 2, 2014 12:05:40 GMT -5
He was given 365 days jail time, with 111 to serve and 254 days stayed, or held back, in lieu of completing all his probationary requirements. So he had a total of a year, not two years, to serve. That makes more sense. Two years in jail would not be served in jail; it would have been served in prison. Jails are designed to hold inmates for a year or less.
Logic tells me that failure to complete all the probation requirements means the full 365 days of jail CAN be reinstated, minus time he will be given credit for which he has already served while in arrest-and-hold mode.
What worries me is that his probationary period goes until 2016. The judge could reinstate the probation and not send him back to jail, if Hizzoner is feeling charitable. I hope not.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Apr 2, 2014 12:23:01 GMT -5
19 or 20 pages back, didn't you say you wanted to take the boys and go somewhere else for a while? Hawaii, I think? But regardless of the place - HERE IS YOUR CHANCE. Older son can go with you or trade off school years by staying with his dad.
Go to the lawyer and get full custody. This should be fairly very easy because your ex is in jail for breaking probation. Then pack up and leave! Your ex might be pissed, but he will have no "say" and no legal standing - - and you will be gone so you will not be around to hear the brunt of it, either. AND if you leave the state, he will not be able to follow you (legally) because his probation status will not allow it. Nor will he have money for a plane ticket anyway.
Here is your chance. Take it! Call your lawyer TODAY!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 12:34:36 GMT -5
Running off to Hawaii SOUNDS nice. But I've been with this company for 20 years now (save a few years I took off when ODS was born), and I don't exactly have a killer resume that will get me hired anywhere. I do have to think about supporting the kids financially too and I wouldn't be there. I'd be living off of savings and family.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 12:37:27 GMT -5
So you know you're going to stay put and keep your job. What other plans can you get resolved today?
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 2, 2014 12:39:11 GMT -5
10. Write letter of apology, to the victim, within 30 days. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014
Sheer curiosity - did he do this?
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Apr 2, 2014 12:39:24 GMT -5
Running off to Hawaii SOUNDS nice. But I've been with this company for 20 years now (save a few years I took off when ODS was born), and I don't exactly have a killer resume that will get me hired anywhere. I do have to think about supporting the kids financially too and I wouldn't be there. I'd be living off of savings and family. So IF you REALLY want to do it - move there and move in with family for a while. Once you get there, immediately hook yourself up with an agency or non-profit that assists persons with domestic violence issues get back on their feet. They will help you find a job. You can eventually move out on your own. It all depends on how badly you want it - - ball's in your court, baby, and I'm cheering for you!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:17:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 12:41:15 GMT -5
10. Write letter of apology, to the victim, within 30 days. 02/12/2014, Active 02/12/2014Sheer curiosity - did he do this? No clue.
|
|