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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 13:14:47 GMT -5
Yeah, I didn't say it was rational thinking on my part.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 1, 2014 13:21:09 GMT -5
It's understandable, your ex's behavior sounds really freaking scary and anybody would want to avoid it. But you got a break with him being in a halfway house and now back in jail. He's currently at the moment the state's problem. Remind yourself of that and use the time you've been given to get distance from his problems. The chips will fall where they may with him, you can't stop it. What you CAN do is get the legal ball rolling so if/when he does become your problem again you have what you need to nip it in the bud.
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 1, 2014 13:32:48 GMT -5
I was thinking more about the feeling responsible for his blow ups. If when I do X it causes Y, then I should be able to avoid Y too.
Oh dear, I just wish you could get away from this all instead of having to live in the middle of this tornado. If Y was 'hit me' instead of 'goes to jail' would you feel so bad about it? Would you say what you did caused him to hit you so you're the reason he's in jail? No, you wouldn't. So don't allow yourself to think it of this just because "it's not like he hit me".
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 1, 2014 13:32:58 GMT -5
I was thinking more about the feeling responsible for his blow ups. If when I do X it causes Y, then I should be able to avoid Y too. No. Listen to drama. It doesn't work like that. You can't anticipate what's going to set people off. Once my mom got upset because DH wouldn't sit down. Her state changed in the time it took my H to say "No Thank You." I have to tell you, a refusal to sit down wasn't exactly on my list of "things to avoid."
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 1, 2014 13:48:27 GMT -5
I'm warning you, MPL, you are going to be exhausted trying to figure out what sets him off. Just when you think you know all the triggers, a new one will appear out of nowhere. It will get to the point where looking at him the wrong way, or taking a breath that he thinks sounds accusative will set him off into a tantrum. And it won't stop with you. Your kids will learn that behavior, and try to do whatever it takes to keep the big bad Daddy monster in check. It's not their problem, either.
I have seen people arrested for domestic violence that resulted from their spouse/significant other doing everything from speaking "too long" to their friends, looking at a total stranger "too much" and having a "suspicious" number on their cellphone; even if that number turned out to be legit, it wasn't, in the eyes of the perpetrator. And the definition of "too long" or "too much" could be whatever the abuser decided that day.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Apr 2, 2014 10:08:23 GMT -5
I just wanted to pop on to say that I hope you are feeling better today.
Perhaps you can resolve to call your lawyer by cob today and set an appointment for later this week to redraw custody and visitation papers now that you have a little breathing room to work with.
I tend to blow things off unless I have set a strict deadline for myself. If you have the same issue and calling today won't work, maybe set a deadline to call and tell us the deadline to help you keep on track?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 2, 2014 10:17:46 GMT -5
I just wanted to pop on to say that I hope you are feeling better today. Perhaps you can resolve to call your lawyer by cob today and set an appointment for later this week to redraw custody and visitation papers now that you have a little breathing room to work with. I tend to blow things off unless I have set a strict deadline for myself. If you have the same issue and calling today won't work, maybe set a deadline to call and tell us the deadline to help you keep on track? God knows we're willing to keep on yelling/typing at you until you give up and call the lawyer to shut us up.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 10:32:47 GMT -5
I just wanted to pop on to say that I hope you are feeling better today. Perhaps you can resolve to call your lawyer by cob today and set an appointment for later this week to redraw custody and visitation papers now that you have a little breathing room to work with. I tend to blow things off unless I have set a strict deadline for myself. If you have the same issue and calling today won't work, maybe set a deadline to call and tell us the deadline to help you keep on track? God knows we're willing to keep on yelling/typing at you until you give up and call the lawyer to shut us up. LOL I probably need that. Sounds stupid, but I just don't know what to say for a reason for wanting/needing this that wouldn't involve talking to him for 10 hours so he gets the same "feel" for the situation that you guys have. Also, I'm really crammed for time now. Older son's Dad headed off to China until the 14th and he handled a lot of the shuttling around, especially for scouts, which has always got something going on. (Yes, I am making excuses, I am aware.)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 2, 2014 10:35:30 GMT -5
I just don't know what to say for a reason for wanting/needing this that wouldn't involve talking to him for 10 hours so he gets the same "feel" for the situation that you guys have
Why not print off the thread, highlight the import posts and then jot them down in Word? Then you have a composed outline of what you specfically want to address with your lawyer. You won't get tounge tied and will avoid the trap of using the time as a confessional.
Considering recent events I would think you wouldn't need 10 hours to convince your lawyer something needs to be done. He'll probably ask you what took you so long.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 10:36:14 GMT -5
I can go on forever if you need me to. I've been "bugging" my sister about similar stuff since she got divorced from her narcissist 7 years ago.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 2, 2014 10:37:16 GMT -5
MPL, he is NEVER going to get the same feeling for a situation that a mentally healthy person will. You really can't give into the idea that he needs to be on board with what you do because you need to protect yourself and your son. Your ex is old enough to protect himself and if it comes down to the point where he wants more time with his son, then HE can file with the courts to receive them.
But that would require him to be proactive, and it does not sound like he bends in that direction.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 10:40:24 GMT -5
MPL, he is NEVER going to get the same feeling for a situation that a mentally healthy person will. You really can't give into the idea that he needs to be on board with what you do because you need to protect yourself and your son. Your ex is old enough to protect himself and if it comes down to the point where he wants more time with his son, then HE can file with the courts to receive them. But that would require him to be proactive, and it does not sound like he bends in that direction. No, I meant giving my attorney a feel for the situation. I assume he's mentally healthy (but, I could be wrong).
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 2, 2014 10:41:19 GMT -5
God knows we're willing to keep on yelling/typing at you until you give up and call the lawyer to shut us up. LOL I probably need that. Sounds stupid, but I just don't know what to say for a reason for wanting/needing this that wouldn't involve talking to him for 10 hours so he gets the same "feel" for the situation that you guys have. Also, I'm really crammed for time now. Older son's Dad headed off to China until the 14th and he handled a lot of the shuttling around, especially for scouts, which has always got something going on. (Yes, I am making excuses, I am aware.) Mr. Lawyer: My ex-husband is mentally ill. He's landed himself back in jail, again. I can get you any paperwork that you may need that will attest to the fact that he is unstable. I need to protect my kids from the situation. Where do we start? MPL-When I saw a lawyer just to see what the process of divorce would look like, the first thing the lawyer said is he's seen everything. I'm sure that holds true for many, many lawyers. ETA: When my H and I got our wills done, we mentioned to the lawyer that my family is dysfunctional. She then gave us a list of things we could do to ensure our wills would not be contested. Seriously, lawyers know how to deal with this kind of stuff. It's their JOB.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 2, 2014 10:46:53 GMT -5
God knows we're willing to keep on yelling/typing at you until you give up and call the lawyer to shut us up. LOL I probably need that. Sounds stupid, but I just don't know what to say for a reason for wanting/needing this that wouldn't involve talking to him for 10 hours so he gets the same "feel" for the situation that you guys have. Also, I'm really crammed for time now. Older son's Dad headed off to China until the 14th and he handled a lot of the shuttling around, especially for scouts, which has always got something going on. (Yes, I am making excuses, I am aware.) Hon, you really need to stop making excuses. You've been talking about this situation for three weeks now. What have you actually done? What steps have you taken to protect yourself and your boys?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 2, 2014 10:48:07 GMT -5
Some of the phrases you've used in this thread are big enough red flags* that I don't think you'd have to spend more than 5 minutes talking to the attorney.
Divorce attorneys aren't counselors or psychologists, but have usually seen enough to know when a client is overreacting, and when they aren't. You aren't. (If anything, you are under-reacting.)
* He doesn't believe the rules apply to him... he's 'borderline obsessed' with your son... he goes off the deep end every year around Easter... he tried to take off with your son at the library... he says he's not going to "be able to" pay child support... etc.
Plus his version of the reason he was put back in jail still involves him physically assaulting a woman at the halfway house. He might not consider "tapping her hand" or whatever he said to be the same as hitting her, but I'm betting there is more to the story or he wouldn't be in jail.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 10:50:29 GMT -5
LOL I probably need that. Sounds stupid, but I just don't know what to say for a reason for wanting/needing this that wouldn't involve talking to him for 10 hours so he gets the same "feel" for the situation that you guys have. Also, I'm really crammed for time now. Older son's Dad headed off to China until the 14th and he handled a lot of the shuttling around, especially for scouts, which has always got something going on. (Yes, I am making excuses, I am aware.) Mr. Lawyer: My ex-husband is mentally ill. He's landed himself back in jail, again. I can get you any paperwork that you may need that will attest to the fact that he is unstable. I need to protect my kids from the situation. Where do we start? MPL-When I saw a lawyer just to see what the process of divorce would look like, the first thing the lawyer said is he's seen everything. I'm sure that holds true for many, many lawyers. What paperwork do I have saying he's unstable. I'm not being snarky, I really don't know. The HIPPA laws don't let them release anything to me. Even when we were still married I wasn't signed off as someone who could have access because we were separated.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 10:51:42 GMT -5
You have proof that he is in jail! That's a good start....
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 2, 2014 10:51:54 GMT -5
Have you been formally notified that he's back in jail? Or is this still word of mouth?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 2, 2014 10:52:03 GMT -5
I think the fact that he is back in jail for assaulting someone at the halfway house should be sufficient to get the ball rolling.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 10:52:53 GMT -5
Exactly! They can subpoena medical records if necessary.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 10:53:50 GMT -5
Have you been formally notified that he's back in jail? Or is this still word of mouth? Notified, no. As an ex wife, I'm kind of a nobody. But, everything is available online (detention list and court cases), and he's calling his Dad from the jail...
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 10:54:55 GMT -5
Even his diagnosis and the meds he is on is just something he's told me.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 2, 2014 10:55:54 GMT -5
You have proof that he is in jail! That's a good start.... He was also assigned to a halfway house because he couldn't control himself. Then, he couldn't control himself in the halfway house. Yes, mpl, you DO have proof he's unstable.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 2, 2014 10:56:26 GMT -5
Mr. Lawyer: My ex-husband is mentally ill. He's landed himself back in jail, again. I can get you any paperwork that you may need that will attest to the fact that he is unstable. I need to protect my kids from the situation. Where do we start? MPL-When I saw a lawyer just to see what the process of divorce would look like, the first thing the lawyer said is he's seen everything. I'm sure that holds true for many, many lawyers. What paperwork do I have saying he's unstable. I'm not being snarky, I really don't know. The HIPPA laws don't let them release anything to me. Even when we were still married I wasn't signed off as someone who could have access because we were separated. MPL....you don't need his medical records, you have the police records from the time he went off the deep end. That should be sufficient.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 2, 2014 10:56:42 GMT -5
Have you been formally notified that he's back in jail? Or is this still word of mouth? Notified, no. As an ex wife, I'm kind of a nobody. But, everything is available online (detention list and court cases), and he's calling his Dad from the jail... Huh, I'd have expected you to get a letter or text or something from the halfway house/group home so you wouldn't come to see him there, as the guardian/custodian of his child.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 2, 2014 10:57:46 GMT -5
Exactly! They can subpoena medical records if necessary. ^ This is why you're paying the attorney. After your initial telephone call to say - hey, XH is back in jail, I need some stricter parameters on custody and visitation, and providing him the factual information you've listed here (specific times/dates and his interactions with you and your son) - you shouldn't need to do much else other than take your attorneys' calls and show up at the hearing(s).
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 2, 2014 10:58:13 GMT -5
Have you been formally notified that he's back in jail? Or is this still word of mouth? Notified, no. As an ex wife, I'm kind of a nobody. But, everything is available online (detention list and court cases), and he's calling his Dad from the jail... Well, there's where your lawyer starts, then. I think it was drama that also suggested referring to this thread..You need to try to document everything. Just the facts mam...
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 2, 2014 10:58:35 GMT -5
Let's cut to the chase, eh? See an attorney as quickly as you can get an appointment. Let the attorney decide what proof is needed and what proof is available. You need to do some things, and you need to do them now. Procrastinating is liable to cost you far more than you might imagine.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2014 11:02:27 GMT -5
Ok. The elephant in the room.
This would piss him off to no end, and yes that scares me.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 2, 2014 11:04:18 GMT -5
Ok. The elephant in the room. This would piss him off to no end, and yes that scares me. Do you think that he would harm you? If you feel like this, the attorney can also file papers to make steps so you are protected.
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