raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 30, 2014 8:31:20 GMT -5
Hopefully his mom will take this as a wake up call. (I can't imagine watching my kids self destruct like that and I really hope I never do.)
Is this the end of the half way house? When he gets out of jail next time he's just out on his own.
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2014 8:45:15 GMT -5
MPLA, please still think about getting counseling for yourself.
You are not the cause of this. You did not 'trigger' this. HE is responsible for his own actions. If he can't take a conversation, the truth and/or a little backbone... That is HIS problem. HE is the one who has been ignoring all the rules since he got out anyway.
Back to you.
I too am relieved he is back in. I think some of your relief has to stem from the fact that now you aren't going to have to be the one to 'lay down the law'... BUT it is only a temporary reprieve. He will get out. You will need to be strong... Now is the time to get yourself some counseling.
And, quite frankly some kind of support system which doesn't share DNA or a relationship with either one of your ex husbands.
Im sorry, I'm bringing the harsh love... It is coming from a place of love though, and a desire to see you better equipped to deal with him the next time it comes up... Because it will...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2014 9:12:07 GMT -5
Is this the end of the half way house? When he gets out of jail next time he's just out on his own. No clue. I don't know what any of this is about or if it even has anything to do with the halfway house. For all I know, he could just have a hearing tomorrow and be transferred right back. Maybe he missed meetings with his PO or didn't do his letter of apology to the victim or something.... His Mom called the halfway house yesterday, but it was the weekend staff and they either couldn't or wouldn't say, she said it sounded like the girl just didn't know. She told her to call back Monday when the normal crew was in.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 30, 2014 9:17:46 GMT -5
Not sure what happened, but apparently he's back in jail. Can't say that I'm not a little bit relieved. I'm sorry, mpl. There's nothing really positive to be said about this situation - except - the fact that he's been returned to jail should really bolster your resolves to put aside your codependent behavior and get tough/stay tough. He's had chance after chance, has he not? He blows them all. You know, in your heart of hearts, that's not what you want for your offspring. Stop the madness, love, and stop it once and for all.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Mar 30, 2014 9:19:53 GMT -5
I still don't know what happened. His Mom had texted me asking if he was in jail and I was like "uh...don't know. Why?" Apparently his Dad had come home and there was a collect call from the jail on his answering machine or something, but he missed it. I checked online, and he is indeed in there. It says the warrant was issued for a probation violation yesterday. I have no clue what he could have done to violate his probation while in the halfway house. The only thing I can think of is he had one of his blow ups there. I'm a little nervous that a phone call with me Thursday night may have triggered it. It seemed rather benign to me, but I thought the same thing about the call he made to me last October. Stop,right there. You are not responsible for his behavior. He knows what the rules are. He chose to ignore them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2014 9:24:12 GMT -5
You are not the cause of this. You did not 'trigger' this. HE is responsible for his own actions. If he can't take a conversation, the truth and/or a little backbone... That is HIS problem. HE is the one who has been ignoring all the rules since he got out anyway. I don't know if I had anything to do with this, but I did set him off the last time. It may have not been intentional or my fault, but this is why I tiptoe around him all the time. It SHOULDN'T have been anything to set him off. He just called to say he got more of these personal video player devices from the library for our son, and I said maybe he should keep them at the HH, and watch them with DS when he visits, since I can't get him to use them, he doesn't seem to have any interest in watching them and then they get set aside and I have to make a special trip to the library to return them. I don't want to be responsible for his overdue stuff and he goes to the library every day. Well, he just got to arguing with me about it that our son likes them and learned about meteors from them. Um...no...he didn't. There wasn't even anything about meteors on the ones we had. Finally he just said "Fine, whatever." and hung up. I shouldn't have engaged. I should have just said "ok" and picked the stupid things up.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 30, 2014 9:28:23 GMT -5
You are not the cause of this. You did not 'trigger' this. HE is responsible for his own actions. If he can't take a conversation, the truth and/or a little backbone... That is HIS problem. HE is the one who has been ignoring all the rules since he got out anyway. I don't know if I had anything to do with this, but I did set him off the last time. It may have not been intentional or my fault, but this is why I tiptoe around him all the time. It SHOULDN'T have been anything to set him off. He just called to say he got more of these personal video player devices from the library for our son, and I said maybe he should keep them at the HH, and watch them with DS when he visits, since I can't get him to use them, he doesn't seem to have any interest in watching them and then they get set aside and I have to make a special trip to the library to return them. I don't want to be responsible for his overdue stuff and he goes to the library every day. Well, he just got to arguing with me about it that our son likes them and learned about meteors from them. Um...no...he didn't. There wasn't even anything about meteors on the ones we had. Finally he just said "Fine, whatever." and hung up. I shouldn't have engaged. I should have just said "ok" and picked the stupid things up. No! Just NO! You cannot cause another person to do something, right or wrong, mpl. Each person makes decisions for themselves; therefore, their actions (or, lack of same) are their responsibility and nobody else's. YOU are not responsible, in any way, for anything this man does. Nothing! Please, please, please, get some help for yourself, mpl. You've got to stop this for your child's sake, if not for your own.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2014 9:33:05 GMT -5
I think the cruelest part of all of this is I can't metabolize alcohol anymore. I had one mango margarita beer thing (yeah, I know, but it was good) and it felt great to have a drink, but today I feel like I was hit by a truck. Maybe that's a good thing, I'd probably be a raging alcoholic otherwise. Today, my Dad and stepmom are making the trip to visit and we're going to first ex's house for a going away barbeque he's throwing for himself and his wife. He's leaving Tuesday to China for a month for work and his wife is staying for another one or two months more with their daughter visiting her parents. I won't be drinking anything but Diet Pepsi.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 30, 2014 9:37:38 GMT -5
You are not the cause of this. You did not 'trigger' this. HE is responsible for his own actions. If he can't take a conversation, the truth and/or a little backbone... That is HIS problem. HE is the one who has been ignoring all the rules since he got out anyway. I don't know if I had anything to do with this, but I did set him off the last time. It may have not been intentional or my fault, but this is why I tiptoe around him all the time. It SHOULDN'T have been anything to set him off. He just called to say he got more of these personal video player devices from the library for our son, and I said maybe he should keep them at the HH, and watch them with DS when he visits, since I can't get him to use them, he doesn't seem to have any interest in watching them and then they get set aside and I have to make a special trip to the library to return them. I don't want to be responsible for his overdue stuff and he goes to the library every day. Well, he just got to arguing with me about it that our son likes them and learned about meteors from them. Um...no...he didn't. There wasn't even anything about meteors on the ones we had. Finally he just said "Fine, whatever." and hung up. I shouldn't have engaged. I should have just said "ok" and picked the stupid things up. No, you shouldn't pick the stupid things up and stop talking to him, period. If he calls to talk to your kid, let the kid talk to him. YOU have nothing to day to him, period.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Mar 30, 2014 9:48:47 GMT -5
MPL, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have nothing to offer outside of what's already been said.
My heart is with you and your kids. Please take care of yourself and those boys. They need you!
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Mar 30, 2014 12:05:59 GMT -5
As both a casual observer and someone who has BTDT, this is progressing pretty much as expected.
One day, you will just be done with all of it. Until then, nothing anyone will say to you will make any difference in your response to him or whatever residual feelings of responsibility you may feel to keep him on the rails.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 30, 2014 12:11:14 GMT -5
MPL, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have nothing to offer outside of what's already been said. My heart is with you and your kids. Please take care of yourself and those boys. They need you! Yeah that! (((((HUGS)))))
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Mar 30, 2014 14:50:30 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2014 15:56:41 GMT -5
MPL -
I used to think the word "codependent" referred to someone who would do things like purchase alcohol for their alcoholic spouse. I was very wrong.
The word codependent is about as shitty of a description, IMHO, as "depression" is for those of us that suffer from it. The word and the common meaning have nothing to do with the actual meaning.
Please read CoDependent No More. It was suggested to me many times on this board before I bought a copy. Starting to read it was actually painful. How can a book so accurately describe the dysfunction in my thinking about others and their behavior?
I tackled it a chapter at a time. And, it took me about a week before I could delve into chapter 2....
I truly and honestly thought staying with my dysfunctional DH was the best for the kids. I was wrong and my kids will pay for that decision forever. However, thanks to the book we are all learning how to be different with each other.
I don't recommend self-help books often. This one changed my life and I wish it was required reading for everyone. Try it. It will help you!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 30, 2014 17:40:40 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 30, 2014 17:41:34 GMT -5
I, also, stayed in an unhealthy relationship much longer than I should have. My kids will pay for it forever. I live with that guilt always. Don't be me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2014 17:48:53 GMT -5
It's a powerful motivator... Ask not what I should do in this situation, but what I'd want my child to do if they were in the situation... It can help one to be the person they'd like their child to emulate...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2014 20:45:37 GMT -5
My feeling "icky" morphed into a full blown migraine and i was out of commission all afternoon/evening. The kids destroyed the house while I was dying (or wishing I was dead), but whatever. It wasn't exactly immaculate before. I hate when I get those. I get really depressed and negative and the pre and post phases can drag out for days. I'm pretty sure the drink yesterday triggered it. Anyhow, the ex called his Dad again. His sister was there, so she took the call, otherwise he probably wouldn't have. According to him, some other resident girl was kicking him in the shins under the table and he didn't like it and hit her hand. She didn't stop and he hit her hand again and they took him back to jail. I find it a little hard to believe that was the whole story, but the end result is, he cannot go back to the halfway house. He wanted his Dad to bail him out and let him move in, but his Dad said absolutely not, not an option and ex hung up on him. So, it appears that I get a bit of a reprieve after all. Of course, the last one was 4 months long and went by in what seemed like an instant and what happens now? Will they just keep him? Put him in an inpatient facility? Ugh. Too much to think about.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 10:18:44 GMT -5
Stop thinking about what's going to happen to him and start thinking about what's going to happen with you!
It's like the universe is trying to tell you to "hey, I am giving you a chance to do this without interruption but I can't get him out of the way forever".
So what do you want? He's not going anywhere so, again, I say that you should be using this time to get things arranged the way YOU WANT THEM TO BE!
They say you can't win the lottery unless you buy a ticket...and in that vein I say you can't change your life unless you start being proactive instead of reactive. GO OUT THERE AND "BUY YOUR TICKET" TO FREEDOM!!!
Good luck!!!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 1, 2014 10:23:37 GMT -5
Totally agree with Beerwench. Stop worrying about him. HE broke the rules which means HE has to face the consequences of his actions.
What YOU need to do is use this to your advantage. You were looking at less than a month, now you have more time. Stop wasting it wringing your hands about his fate. Take this time to put the things you need in place to protect yourself and your son.
He's imploding, there's nothing you can do to stop it. You can't save others from themselves. It's time to save yourself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 10:25:24 GMT -5
I'm only worried about what is going to become of him because it will affect me. If they cut him loose, I'm screwed. If he gets kept in jail or goes to an inpatient, I have time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 10:27:30 GMT -5
You are only screwed if you do nothing.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 1, 2014 10:27:40 GMT -5
I'm only worried about what is going to become of him because it will affect me. If they cut him loose, I'm screwed. If he gets kept in jail or goes to an inpatient, I have time. You need to use the time you've got, wisely.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 1, 2014 10:28:39 GMT -5
Totally understand where you're coming from but nothing can be done about where he ends up right now, unfortunately.
Use that fear to motivate yourself to be proactive so if the poo does hit the fan, you're ready for it.
You had yourself set up to be caught in quite a bind come May, fate has given you a reprieve and you need to wring every single second out of it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 1, 2014 11:17:42 GMT -5
As both a casual observer and someone who has BTDT, this is progressing pretty much as expected. One day, you will just be done with all of it. Until then, nothing anyone will say to you will make any difference in your response to him or whatever residual feelings of responsibility you may feel to keep him on the rails. So much this.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 1, 2014 12:15:20 GMT -5
I don't know if I had anything to do with this, but I did set him off the last time. It may have not been intentional or my fault, but this is why I tiptoe around him all the time. It SHOULDN'T have been anything to set him off. He just called to say he got more of these personal video player devices from the library for our son, and I said maybe he should keep them at the HH, and watch them with DS when he visits, since I can't get him to use them, he doesn't seem to have any interest in watching them and then they get set aside and I have to make a special trip to the library to return them. I don't want to be responsible for his overdue stuff and he goes to the library every day. Well, he just got to arguing with me about it that our son likes them and learned about meteors from them. Um...no...he didn't. There wasn't even anything about meteors on the ones we had. Finally he just said "Fine, whatever." and hung up. I shouldn't have engaged. I should have just said "ok" and picked the stupid things up. No! Just NO! You cannot cause another person to do something, right or wrong, mpl. Each person makes decisions for themselves; therefore, their actions (or, lack of same) are their responsibility and nobody else's. YOU are not responsible, in any way, for anything this man does. Nothing! Please, please, please, get some help for yourself, mpl. You've got to stop this for your child's sake, if not for your own. Totally agree with mmhmm. Stop making HIS problems YOUR problems. Do.not.take.ownership.of.his.issues.anymore. The more you do it, the more often he senses it, guilts you into thinking it's all your fault and starts the cycle all over again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 12:26:03 GMT -5
No! Just NO! You cannot cause another person to do something, right or wrong, mpl. Each person makes decisions for themselves; therefore, their actions (or, lack of same) are their responsibility and nobody else's. YOU are not responsible, in any way, for anything this man does. Nothing! Please, please, please, get some help for yourself, mpl. You've got to stop this for your child's sake, if not for your own. Totally agree with mmhmm. Stop making HIS problems YOUR problems. Do.not.take.ownership.of.his.issues.anymore. The more you do it, the more often he senses it, guilts you into thinking it's all your fault and starts the cycle all over again. I know why I do it. It gives me a feeling of control over the situation. If nothing I do matters, I feel so helpless and that is maddening.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 1, 2014 12:32:13 GMT -5
know why I do it. It gives me a feeling of control over the situation
How exactly? You can't control your ex, you can't control his treatment, you can't control his fate. That's all in the hands of the state.
What exactly does worrying about him constantly accomplish exactly? Does it make you feel good? Does it give you comfort? What are you getting out of this train of thought that keeps you on it?
You'd feel far less helpless if you stopped trying to control the lives of others and start focusing on your own. We can't save the world from itself no matter how hard we try. People are falliable and when we try to take on their problems for them it is inevitable they will let us down.
But you CAN save yourself and your son. You need to face what you can't control and learn to let it go. Then seize what you can control. You have a lot more power than you think you do, just right now it's all misdirected towards someone who has proved time and time again he isn't deserving of it.
I'm going to beat the dead horse concerning therapy again. You need to completely retrain your brain and that isn't easy to do solo. You need someone who can teach you better ways to cope with your ex. Otherwise you're going to be stuck in this cycle forever.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2014 13:06:23 GMT -5
I was thinking more about the feeling responsible for his blow ups. If when I do X it causes Y, then I should be able to avoid Y too.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 1, 2014 13:12:49 GMT -5
I was thinking more about the feeling responsible for his blow ups. If when I do X it causes Y, then I should be able to avoid Y too.
Here's the rub, your ex has a mental illness. He's not going to be linear in his thinking. You could sit in the middle of an empty room with your hands under your butt not making a sound and he'll still blow up. Then turn around and claim it's b/c he didn't like the way your hands were situated under your behind.
You are not the problem HE is, but he won't accept that, it's far fare more convienent to blame others and lines up with his current thought process nicely. You continue to reinforce that by jumping everytime he says boo.
You can't control mental illness. There is no appeasing them. The more you try the more you enable them and the more you stress yourself out.
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