whoami
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Post by whoami on Mar 25, 2014 21:59:05 GMT -5
I do have problems with being wishy washy with him and laying down the law with regards to setting a schedule. I try to avoid conflict and give in too easy. I'm curious how this Daddy and Me thing is going to go down starting next Tuesday. We stopped in to visit today because his Mom and sister were there and asked if we could and he said he hasn't been allowed to go anywhere the past two days because Sunday night he stayed up past curfew and had a phone and Monday he didn't get his "homework" done. The fact that he cant follow pretty simple rules while he is under court supervision doesn't bode well for the future.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 7:40:27 GMT -5
I do have problems with being wishy washy with him and laying down the law with regards to setting a schedule. I try to avoid conflict and give in too easy. I'm curious how this Daddy and Me thing is going to go down starting next Tuesday. We stopped in to visit today because his Mom and sister were there and asked if we could and he said he hasn't been allowed to go anywhere the past two days because Sunday night he stayed up past curfew and had a phone and Monday he didn't get his "homework" done. The fact that he cant follow pretty simple rules while he is under court supervision doesn't bode well for the future. Tell me about it. He said he probably wouldn't be allowed to go to the poker party Saturday (ya think?). His sister said, she didn't think so since there would be alcohol there and he said, "oh, I can be around alcohol as long as I'm not drinking". Um. No. Your probation orders say you're not even supposed to be around people drinking or doing drugs or step foot in a bar (not that this would be a bar). Then Mom said, well, you' can't be around M either (and it's at his house) and he replied, "Why? Is there still some kind of restraining order". Yes. Yes, there is. For a year. (Did you not READ your probation rules??) He didn't think this would be an issue either as long as M was ok with it. NO! THIS IS NOT HOW IT GOES!! Ugh. He was always like that though. Everything is fine as long as you get away with it. Drove me bonkers. Especially since he is so careless. A couple years ago he drove right up to a police officer directing traffic for a parade route to ask for directions with a beer in his lap.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 26, 2014 8:11:27 GMT -5
I do have problems with being wishy washy with him and laying down the law with regards to setting a schedule. I try to avoid conflict and give in too easy
I know it's hard but you're going to have to train yourself to stop it. When dealing with someone who is sane and rational wanting to avoiding confliect isn't unreasonable at all and is often times beneficial. When you have someone who if you give htem an inch will take several miles, you can't avoid conflict. He'll run roughshod over you b/c he is not capable of respecting the fact that resolution means you both get something out of it. He's going to take and take what HE wants, who gives a crap about you? And in reality who gives a crap about your son? I know he's paying lip service to being a good father and has signed up for "daddy and me" classes but a good father would be jumping thru any and all hoops both you and the state put in front of him to prove to you AND his son that he's changed his ways. He's not doing that, he can't even follow the rules about a phone. Again look at what he DOES, not what he SAYS. Start by reading Co-Dependent No More and Boundaries. Scrape together what money you can and call the county to see if there are sliding scale/low cost therapists in your area so you can work with someone on changing your mindset. He's not going to change anytime soon, if ever. So you have to do be the one to do it.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 26, 2014 8:42:07 GMT -5
If you can't see a therapist, check to see if you've got a CoDA in town. It's the 12 step group for codependents. Actually, I might suggest any other 12 step group if funds are tight. It's all the same, really. The one's I've been to, you give like $2/meeting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 11:05:45 GMT -5
If you can't see a therapist, check to see if you've got a CoDA in town. It's the 12 step group for codependents. Actually, I might suggest any other 12 step group if funds are tight. It's all the same, really. The one's I've been to, you give like $2/meeting. Hmmm....never heard of CoDa. I looked it up and there's nothing remotely close. Apparently codependency is a northern MN thing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 11:41:09 GMT -5
Ok, I'm thinking about other stuff now. I've already established long ago that I just can't die in the next 14 years, but what if I do? An acquaintance of mine just found out her cancer is back and she was given 6 months to a year and she has three kids ages 1, 7 and 10.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 26, 2014 11:42:53 GMT -5
I've already established long ago that I just can't die in the next 14 years, but what if I do
That's something you'll probably have to talk to your lawyer about. If your ex is still around it probably will not be so simple as naming guardians of your choice since he's the father and could fight them on it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 11:43:53 GMT -5
You get a legal document showing that neither he nor his parents are fit to be your children's guardian and then you specify who you wish to raise them instead. ETA: Which is why everything that he does or doesn't do needs to be documented. If he continues to live like he was it is going to get to a point where the State will decide that he's not fit to parent. ETAA: Sorry about your friend's diagnosis.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 11:44:06 GMT -5
I've already established long ago that I just can't die in the next 14 years, but what if I doThat's something you'll probably have to talk to your lawyer about. If your ex is still around it probably will not be so simple as naming guardians of your choice since he's the father and could fight them on it. Even if the court says he's only to have supervised visits? Again...just. can't. die.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 26, 2014 11:48:03 GMT -5
The problem is if you're dead there's really nobody to stop him from fighting whoever you name as guardians. I don't know if he would win, but you're dead. It's going to depend on the courts and if whoever you name wants to fight him on it hard enough.
I'm thinking you're going to need a lot more in place than what you currently have in the event of death.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 11:48:38 GMT -5
I've already established long ago that I just can't die in the next 14 years, but what if I doThat's something you'll probably have to talk to your lawyer about. If your ex is still around it probably will not be so simple as naming guardians of your choice since he's the father and could fight them on it. Even if the court says he's only to have supervised visits? Again...just. can't. die. so don't. And if you do, you really won't care at that point.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 26, 2014 11:49:36 GMT -5
The problem is if you're dead there's really nobody to stop him from fighting whoever you name as guardians. I don't know if he would win, but you're dead. It's going to depend on the courts and if whoever you name wants to fight him on it hard enough. I'm thinking you're going to need a lot more in place than what you currently have in the event of death. At least you have a very large paper trail suggesting why he probably is not the best guardian for his son. Would your first ex and his wife be willing to be guardians for both boys?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 11:58:09 GMT -5
The problem is if you're dead there's really nobody to stop him from fighting whoever you name as guardians. I don't know if he would win, but you're dead. It's going to depend on the courts and if whoever you name wants to fight him on it hard enough. I'm thinking you're going to need a lot more in place than what you currently have in the event of death. At least you have a very large paper trail suggesting why he probably is not the best guardian for his son. Would your first ex and his wife be willing to be guardians for both boys?Yes, he already agreed to that a couple years ago when we were talking wills, but nothing was ever written up. It's actually a good set up with his wife being home and then the brothers could stay together. Of course, I haven't discussed it with him recently, that was when he was thinking we'd both be dead, maybe he wouldn't want the aggravation of dealing with the other Dad. I have about 230K in my 401K that I could leave to my Mom for legal fees and she could fight for a long time with that, but not sure if my will would even matter if Dad was alive.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 12:00:54 GMT -5
Even if the court says he's only to have supervised visits? Again...just. can't. die. so don't. And if you do, you really won't care at that point. I'm trying! But when I fell on the ice yesterday it got me thinking! And I do care what happens to them after I'm dead. Even if I won't care AFTER I'm dead.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 26, 2014 12:08:32 GMT -5
Swamp might have some advice if you PM her, Minnesota.
I'd talk to your ex again about being a guardian for your youngest son and if he is still willing definetly get it drawn up while your ex is stuck in the halfway house. Make sure you consult with your lawyer thru teh entire process so your T's are all crossed.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 26, 2014 12:44:13 GMT -5
Swamp might have some advice if you PM her, Minnesota. I'd talk to your ex again about being a guardian for your youngest son and if he is still willing definetly get it drawn up while your ex is stuck in the halfway house. Make sure you consult with your lawyer thru teh entire process so your T's are all crossed.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 26, 2014 13:02:43 GMT -5
I'm right there with you on the fact that I just can't die.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 13:33:06 GMT -5
I'm right there with you on the fact that I just can't die. I think I need to start following the surgeon general's recommended preventative maintenance schedule. Or at least cut out the pizza rolls from my diet...
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Mar 27, 2014 7:22:30 GMT -5
Once, we had a second shift guy show up at noon with his six pack. His plan was to sit in the break room and shoot the shit with his co-workers while he ate his chips and drank his beer, then start his shift.
Completely mystified when we fired him. Did not understand at all why he couldn't drink a six pack in the plant break room on his off hours and then start working.
The world is full of idiots. Sorry you're entangled with one.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2014 7:30:55 GMT -5
I guess I'm going to have to keep an eye on the Paul Walker case. www.people.com/people/article/0,,20799517,00.html He didn't want his daughter living with her mother because of a drinking problem and even put in his will that he wanted his mother to be guardian.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2014 8:28:46 GMT -5
I'm right there with you on the fact that I just can't die. I think I need to start following the surgeon general's recommended preventative maintenance schedule. Or at least cut out the pizza rolls from my diet... OMG! DH picked up a bag of pizza rolls on his last BJ's trip and I forgot what I had been missing!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2014 8:32:01 GMT -5
I think I need to start following the surgeon general's recommended preventative maintenance schedule. Or at least cut out the pizza rolls from my diet... OMG! DH picked up a bag of pizza rolls on his last BJ's trip and I forgot what I had been missing!! Tell me about it. My son begged me to get some last week when he saw they were on sale in the grocery store flyer. Well he was gone for the weekend to his Dad's and I ate them all. A big freaking bag. I told him I forgot to get any...easier dealing with him being mad at me about that then the shame of gluttony.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2014 15:34:25 GMT -5
Not sure what happened, but apparently he's back in jail. Can't say that I'm not a little bit relieved.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Mar 29, 2014 16:00:30 GMT -5
Very sorry for all you are going through, but this could be a blessing that will buy you time to get things in order, legally.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 29, 2014 16:04:28 GMT -5
Very sorry for all you are going through, but this could be a blessing that will buy you time to get things in order, legally.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 29, 2014 16:06:20 GMT -5
Hugs mpl.
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Mar 29, 2014 20:04:53 GMT -5
I don't want to be happy over someone else's misfortune, but in this case, for your sake, I am. This is sad for him, because I'm sure this isn't the life he wanted. But I agree, it may be for the best right now to give you some very much needed extra time to get those safeguards in place.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2014 23:54:38 GMT -5
I still don't know what happened. His Mom had texted me asking if he was in jail and I was like "uh...don't know. Why?" Apparently his Dad had come home and there was a collect call from the jail on his answering machine or something, but he missed it. I checked online, and he is indeed in there. It says the warrant was issued for a probation violation yesterday. I have no clue what he could have done to violate his probation while in the halfway house. The only thing I can think of is he had one of his blow ups there. I'm a little nervous that a phone call with me Thursday night may have triggered it. It seemed rather benign to me, but I thought the same thing about the call he made to me last October.
I had that thing with his family this evening/night. I didn't bring up the MH. There wasn't much talk of him at all and I think they were just trying to enjoy the evening, so in light of everything else I figured I'd leave that discussion for another time. His Mother said she doesn't understand why he acts like he runs that place and the rules don't apply to him and she feels he should be in an inpatient facility so she wasn't guilting me any at least.
Anyhow. It was a pleasant evening, but I cried the whole hour long drive home. I met his family for the first time at this annual poker match that they have every spring when his sister comes from CT to visit. It was such a happy time of my life back then and I realized how much I missed that and how it would probably never be back. I don't know what's happening to him or why, but it just sucks.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2014 3:35:32 GMT -5
I'm so sorry MPL. But I agree that you need to take this time to do the legal paperwork you need to do.
Lots of hugs to you.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 30, 2014 7:01:32 GMT -5
My girlfriend is divorced with three kids. The kids are all adults now but the sperm donor has always been a flake and she has always been welcomed in his family. That's how they kept in contact with the grandkids. Pissing off my girlfriend would have only hurt them! Part of the fun is their weekly poker game! She goes and one year she won enough to buy bikes for all three of her kids! I think the family was glad to lose that year because their grandchildren profited!!
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