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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 12:59:17 GMT -5
You have MUCH MUCH more important things to worry about than private school. Do NOT let your EX make you feel badly / guilt trip you about that.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 13:14:20 GMT -5
I see what has him worked up. They have him owing since last September so over 4K in back CS. I really didn't think they'd go after him for the time he was in jail making nothing.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 21, 2014 13:20:24 GMT -5
Not your problem. Stop owning it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 13:20:59 GMT -5
MPL, I fear that in his mind, that could be one more reason for him to decide to "disappear" once he gets the chance. With or without your son, depending on the circumstances and whether or not he has "unsupervised" access.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 21, 2014 13:21:37 GMT -5
I see what has him worked up. They have him owing since last September so over 4K in back CS. I really didn't think they'd go after him for the time he was in jail making nothing. Not your problem. Not your Problem. Not YOUR Problem. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He can howl at the moon and scream until he's blue but it is still NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 21, 2014 13:21:54 GMT -5
I see what has him worked up. They have him owing since last September so over 4K in back CS. I really didn't think they'd go after him for the time he was in jail making nothing. Doesn't matter if he was making nothing. The child still needed supporting. You've been on YM a while, you know the stories about non-custodial parents working under the table or not working at all to avoid paying CS.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 21, 2014 13:22:25 GMT -5
Like Nancy, as I have no kids I have pretty much stayed out of this because I really don't have anything to add. But it seems to me as if you have so much to do that you can't figure out which to do first, so are frozen. Your ex scares the ever living crap out of ME, MPL. Especially since this happened in WA last year. A man had supervised visitation with his kids, it is thought that he killed his wife but there was no evidence. Children (2 little boys) were under their maternal grandparent's care and he had supervised visitation that was supervised by a social worker. One day, the social worker brought the kids to his home for his supervised visitation, he grabbed the kids and slammed the door in the social workers face. As she was calling for support, the guy set the house on fire and it killed all 3. www.cnn.com/2012/02/05/us/washington-powell-explosion/They knew the son had a screw loose. The father has a major screw loose, and they are having difficulty finding a community that will take them in as he is now on the sexual predator's list. The whole family is fucked up. There is the same sort of dysfunction in your ex's family, and what's to stop him from doing something equally drastic? If HE can't have his kids, no one can. If you need $1000 for a lawyer, PM me your address and I'll send you a check.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 21, 2014 13:22:54 GMT -5
MPL, I fear that in his mind, that could be one more reason for him to decide to "disappear" once he gets the chance. With or without your son, depending on the circumstances and whether or not he has "unsupervised" access. DH's dad got 60k in arrears in CS for DH and his sisters. Still is infact. Unfortunately the toxic man did not disappear.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Mar 21, 2014 13:26:03 GMT -5
MPL, he has to come to grips in more ways than one. Again, I am not passing judgment on a sick man. But he has to decide to get help and continue to get help. And he cannot have what he wants, when he wants it, to the exclusion of doing what he has to do by law and common sense necessity.
Whatever accounts he has will be garnished for the money, as the law allows. State law varies a bit, but most bank accounts are vulnerable to garnishment. Whether or not he is earning money is pointless. If he has anything stashed, it can be taken.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 21, 2014 13:29:51 GMT -5
I see what has him worked up. They have him owing since last September so over 4K in back CS. I really didn't think they'd go after him for the time he was in jail making nothing
It's not your problem. For the love of God stop worrying about what is upsetting him and trying to calm the waters. Start looking at the facts as they currently stand. The man has been testing you First it was trying to get you to leave them alone at the halfway house, then he gets you to agree to clases at the library and tries to disappear. Now he's annoucing he'll find a therapist and get unsupervised visits.
He's gearing up for something. You need to stop being worried about HIM and become momma lion. You should be pulling no punches when it comes to protecting your son from this man. I get it, it's his father. But his father is bat shit crazy and has a bat shit crazy family watching his back.
Your son only has you. You owe it to him to keep him safe. It's going to suck b/c a 3 year old will not comphrend you're doing all this in his best interest (he probably will as he gets older though). But it beats him disappearing or worse ending up dead doesn't it?
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Mar 21, 2014 13:31:04 GMT -5
Like Nancy, as I have no kids I have pretty much stayed out of this because I really don't have anything to add. But it seems to me as if you have so much to do that you can't figure out which to do first, so are frozen. Your ex scares the ever living crap out of ME, MPL. Especially since this happened in WA last year. A man had supervised visitation with his kids, it is thought that he killed his wife but there was no evidence. Children (2 little boys) were under their maternal grandparent's care and he had supervised visitation that was supervised by a social worker. One day, the social worker brought the kids to his home for his supervised visitation, he grabbed the kids and slammed the door in the social workers face. As she was calling for support, the guy set the house on fire and it killed all 3. www.cnn.com/2012/02/05/us/washington-powell-explosion/They knew the son had a screw loose. The father has a major screw loose, and they are having difficulty finding a community that will take them in as he is now on the sexual predator's list. The whole family is fucked up. There is the same sort of dysfunction in your ex's family, and what's to stop him from doing something equally drastic? If HE can't have his kids, no one can. If you need $1000 for a lawyer, PM me your address and I'll send you a check. Story in Florida, with a happier ending: non custodial, druggie parents who stole their kids from the custodial grandparents, tied up the grandparents and took off with the kids in a boat bound for Cuba. They made it to Havana, but fortunately, the kids and their creepy parental units were recognized thanks to media coverage and returned to Tampa: www.nbcmiami.com/news/Florida-Parents-Accused-of-Kidnapping-Kids-and-Fleeing-to-Cuba-Booked-Into-Tampa-Jail-202282341.html
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 21, 2014 13:32:18 GMT -5
Like Nancy, as I have no kids I have pretty much stayed out of this because I really don't have anything to add. But it seems to me as if you have so much to do that you can't figure out which to do first, so are frozen. Your ex scares the ever living crap out of ME, MPL. Especially since this happened in WA last year. A man had supervised visitation with his kids, it is thought that he killed his wife but there was no evidence. Children (2 little boys) were under their maternal grandparent's care and he had supervised visitation that was supervised by a social worker. One day, the social worker brought the kids to his home for his supervised visitation, he grabbed the kids and slammed the door in the social workers face. As she was calling for support, the guy set the house on fire and it killed all 3. www.cnn.com/2012/02/05/us/washington-powell-explosion/They knew the son had a screw loose. The father has a major screw loose, and they are having difficulty finding a community that will take them in as he is now on the sexual predator's list. The whole family is fucked up. There is the same sort of dysfunction in your ex's family, and what's to stop him from doing something equally drastic? If HE can't have his kids, no one can. If you need $1000 for a lawyer, PM me your address and I'll send you a check. I remember when this happened. I am so terrified that MPL's ex will pull something like this. Especially since he's religious beyond reasonable and would be 'saving the son's soul' from the evils of the world. I hope it doesn't come to that
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 13:37:34 GMT -5
Frozen is right.
I'm supposed to hire a lawyer and go up in front of a judge and say I'm afraid of all these worst case scenarios and his lawyer is going to say I'm the one that needs to be treated for paranoia. That his client is a good dad who had some problems but is now is clean, medicated and working hard on rebuilding his life and he just wants to spend time with his son.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 21, 2014 13:42:20 GMT -5
Frozen is right. I'm supposed to hire a lawyer and go up in front of a judge and say I'm afraid of all these worst case scenarios and his lawyer is going to say I'm the one that needs to be treated for paranoia. That his client is a good dad who had some problems but is now is clean, medicated and working hard on rebuilding his life and he just wants to spend time with his son. no, your lawyer will state that he's tried to violate the current agreement and a stricter one needs to be in place for the benefit of the child. He will say the crazyman is harrassing his EXwife and making unreasonable demands.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 21, 2014 13:42:25 GMT -5
Frozen is right. I'm supposed to hire a lawyer and go up in front of a judge and say I'm afraid of all these worst case scenarios and his lawyer is going to say I'm the one that needs to be treated for paranoia. That his client is a good dad who had some problems but is now is clean, medicated and working hard on rebuilding his life and he just wants to spend time with his son. MPL....you need to start documenting EVERYTHING right now, I think you need to save all texts and record all phone calls from him if you have not been doing so. When you take your son to see your ex, it would be a good idea if you could bring another adult along with you too. If your ex was a normal person, then those stories would not apply. But your ex DOES have a screw loose and he is playing the system. You have enough history with the cops on file that they likely are not going to see this as paranoia.
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 21, 2014 13:48:15 GMT -5
Your lawyer will talk for you. That's what you're paying him money for. You tell him everything that's going on and what you need and he'll figure the rest out. You don't have to tell the court your afraid of him taking off with the kid. Your lawyer will know what to do.
You're not asking for him to never see his son. You're wanting to set up specific, explicit, supervised visitation where there's a court appoint supervisor that is a disinterested third party.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 21, 2014 13:48:56 GMT -5
no, your lawyer will state that he's tried to violate the current agreement and a stricter one needs to be in place for the benefit of the child. He will say the crazyman is harrassing his EXwife and making unreasonable demands
That is why you need to get working on this BEFORE his release date. Right now you have a man who is locked in a halfway house who is constantly trying to violate/test your court order. He's violated the rules at the halfway house. He's been harassing you with 5-6 phone calls a day. This isn't a man who "just wants to see his son". You keep viewing all this thru normal people lenses. If this was your routine normal divorce/custody case you'd be right to be paranoid/doubtful. But you're not. This man is not stable and as of this time there is no proof on his side that he is b/c he has not been released yet. Use that to your advantage and get things in place NOW. B/c it'll be 20x harder once he's out. He will have all the advantage whereas you have none nad it's going to be very hard to get help if you need it since there is nothing stating he can't do whatever he pleases as long as he is "supervised" and "on medication".
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 21, 2014 13:49:21 GMT -5
MPL, I totally "get" where you're coming from. I have custodial guardianship and trustee responsibilities for a severely disabled adult male relative. He is so incredibly volatile that everyone tends to shrink from him (schizo-affective disorder with paranoid features - occasionally medicated but mostly self-medicates with pot, beer and whatever-else he can get his hands on cheap). He is the guy you will cross the street to avoid, and if you see him on the sidewalk or in a crosswalk while you are driving your car you will instinctively reach over and lock your doors. One day he is pleasant and meek as a lamb, and the next day the rage in his eyes and his rantings will have you running for cover in fear of your safety.
You CANNOT help a person like this. Trust me, I've tried. And tried. And tried. And tried. (And cried and cried, because I feel like I'm failing my aunt and uncle who left him in my care). My guardianship is a joke - no matter where I "place" him, he runs off whenever he feels like it and disappears until the next SSI check is issued. He is one of those infamous people who cycles repeatedly among the streets-hospital-jail-streets-hospital-jail. And no one has been able to help him break that cycle - because he doesn't want to! I've tried over and over to get him institutionalized, but he's great at pulling himself together in front of a judge and sounding coherent for 15 minutes. He's extremely intelligent (a tested IQ of 157!) and is cagey and manipulative - learned from surviving on the streets for so long. Remember the cliche about the thin line between brillance and madness?
I'm only telling you all of this because I hope you can wake up in your head and recognize that unless you create some strict boundaries, you WILL get sucked into the madness. I KNOW you want to do everything in your power to soothe the savage beast - God I know it. It is born of a pretty desperate desire to have a normal relationship. But it will NOT happen. You must protect yourself and your child. IF he ever pulls himself together, THEN he can be a part of your son's life.
You MUST make this decision with your head. Your heart will never make it. Mondo HUGS going out to you.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 21, 2014 13:49:32 GMT -5
I see what has him worked up. They have him owing since last September so over 4K in back CS. I really didn't think they'd go after him for the time he was in jail making nothing. I've been reading along but not commenting. First, I'm sorry you're having to endure all this, mpl. It's a mind-bender, for sure! You've said he's a good dad and really, really cares about his boy. He hasn't, however, been paying child support. Yet, when he wanted his cell phone he was able to cough up $200 to get you to give it to him, even though he wasn't supposed to have it. Ask yourself this: Who was he putting first? Was it his son, or was it himself?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 21, 2014 13:50:03 GMT -5
Your ex's lawyer can (and will) argue your ex is perfectly capable of caring for your son without supervision. That he is being released from the halfway house and turning his life around.
But the facts are in your favor.
He spent 4 months in jail.
He hasn't paid child support and is telling you that he doesn't PLAN to pay child support for at least another year.
He paid you $200 - that he knew you needed - to smuggle in a phone to him, against the halfway house rules.
He has physically abused you.
He is a diagnosed bipolar.
He has repeatedly harassed you and accused you of trying to keep his son from him.
He is trying to evade your supervision at these visits.
And I'm sure there are many other things you haven't posted or thought about, but that your lawyer will ask.
___________________
Do you really think the judge will think YOU are the paranoid one for wanting more clear guidelines on your ex's parenting rights? If you were reading the above list posted by someone else, would you think that person should have unsupervised visitation of a small child?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 21, 2014 13:51:02 GMT -5
He just called again, but I didn't answer. He left a message. He just got served all the child support stuff that I did yesterday and seemed confused by it. He was wondering what it was all about and if I knew or if this was something the county did and he said he was intending on supporting him, but he didn't want to have this big back bill because he wasn't going to be making any money for awhile. He also said he was getting his therapist to write up something saying that he was capable of being with our son without supervision and having it presented to the court.
Does this not scare you? it doesn't scare me at all. Supervised visits will not be changed based on a memo from a therapist without all parties agreeing.
It has to be a hearing, and MN puts her foot down.
Also, he's saying that. He also thinks he's God.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 21, 2014 13:54:03 GMT -5
I see what has him worked up. They have him owing since last September so over 4K in back CS. I really didn't think they'd go after him for the time he was in jail making nothing. I've been reading along but not commenting. First, I'm sorry you're having to endure all this, mpl. It's a mind-bender, for sure! You've said he's a good dad and really, really cares about his boy. He hasn't, however, been paying child support. Yet, when he wanted his cell phone he was able to cough up $200 to get you to give it to him, even though he wasn't supposed to have it. Ask yourself this: Who was he putting first? Was it his son, or was it himself? This is a really good point. He could scare up $200 for a phone, but couldn't give you a dime for his son's care. Even if he made some sort of attempt at paying what it costs to raise the child, it would work in his benefit. His cell phone trumps his son, simple as that. That says more than his professions of love for the child.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 13:56:06 GMT -5
He doesn't call me 5-6 times a day. That one time he called me like 4 times in a row, but besides that, I don't think he's ever called more than once or twice. Often days go by and he doesn't call at all. He has his cell phone now, and I was worried I'd be getting calls from there or lots of texts, but so far, he's only sent me a couple. One wanting to know where his IRA was and how to log in to the site and another saying he talked to older son's Dad at the Y. That was it.
The only rule I know of that he's violated is the cell phone in his room. I don't know if a custody judge would consider this bad parenting. He spends all his afternoons going to parenting things and working with early childhood educators.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 21, 2014 13:59:26 GMT -5
Don't we have lawyers who might know lawyers where MPL lives. ?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 21, 2014 13:59:44 GMT -5
I don't think the situation is as dire as everyone seems to think.
They do have a custody order, MN has placement, X has supervised visits. JT custody isn't really that much different than sole custody when one parent has sole placement. If he's going to take off with the kid, no order is going to stop him.
What they need to work on is a schedule because the loosey goosey thing doesn't work for crazy people and abusive people. which x is both.
And I don't think any judge is going to give a second glance to MN wanting a set schedule based on X's behavior.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 21, 2014 14:00:23 GMT -5
I don't know what a custody judge would consider bad parenting, but I know what I'd consider bad parenting under these circumstances, mpl. I'd consider it bad parenting to have $200 to get something I'm not supposed to have, but want, while I'm unable to provide food for my child. That's what I'd consider bad parenting. A decision was made by your ex-husband to put himself and his wants (not needs - wants) ahead of his boy's well-being.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 14:01:42 GMT -5
I'm wondering why he needs a cell phone so much if he's not using it to call MPL. Facebook I'm assuming. He's been cut off from the world since last October and wants to check up on everyone. Besides the tracker I put on the phone, I also switched him to Ting and he hasn't bothered to change the password to the account. Probably doesn't know it means anything, but I can see every number he calls and texts. So far, just a few texts to me and calls to the halfway house. He has to call when he gets to places and right before he leaves.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 21, 2014 14:04:23 GMT -5
You are paying for his cell phone?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 21, 2014 14:05:20 GMT -5
I don't know if a custody judge would consider this bad parenting. He spends all his afternoons going to parenting things and working with early childhood educators
He's still mentally ill. I very much doubt a judge is going to give a child to a mentally ill man just b/c he attends a few early childhood education classes. At the very least listen to the lawyers on the board, especially Swamp since she has experience with these types of things.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 21, 2014 14:05:33 GMT -5
I'm wondering why he needs a cell phone so much if he's not using it to call MPL. Facebook I'm assuming. He's been cut off from the world since last October and wants to check up on everyone. Besides the tracker I put on the phone, I also switched him to Ting and he hasn't bothered to change the password to the account. Probably doesn't know it means anything, but I can see every number he calls and texts. So far, just a few texts to me and calls to the halfway house. He has to call when he gets to places and right before he leaves. Wait! Are you paying for his cell phone, mpl? ETA: Get outa my head, The Walk of the Penguin Mich!
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