steph08
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Post by steph08 on Feb 10, 2014 16:48:52 GMT -5
I don't have very many guy friends - though at work, I talk to more of the guys than I do the women. Mostly because we watch the same TV shows/movies and all play in the same fantasy football league. I actually prefer to be friends with guys because it's just easier, but one of my best friends in college was a guy. At the end of sophomore year, he told me he was desperately in love with me and to just give him one sign of liking him back and he would break up with his fiancée for me. I didn't have the same feelings about him, and then the next year he ended up making out with a freshman and breaking up with his fiancée anyway. We were still friends, but not as close as before. Luckily, I had met DH over the summer as well so he knew that I was off limits then. So I don't really try to be too buddy buddy with other guys now, unless they're married to one of my friends and not going to declare their love for me. My dad's best friend is a woman and being retired, they hang out at least 3 days/week. They also worked together for 30 years, so nothing new there.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 10, 2014 16:51:13 GMT -5
I don't have any friends... What?! <<sits in the corner and drinks rest of MM's booze>>
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Feb 10, 2014 16:52:47 GMT -5
I don't understanding cheating. I would never start anything of a romantic or sexual nature with a married person. I have way more self esteem than to "settle" for someone who has such poor character as to cheat on their spouse.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 10, 2014 16:57:34 GMT -5
What?! <<sits in the corner and drinks rest of MM's booze>> <<joins CL in the corner to drink booze and commiserate over not having any friends>> Will that make us friends?
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 10, 2014 17:00:15 GMT -5
What a bull! It whether you don't care about spouse or you'll be jealous. I realize that not everyone is getting married because they are in love...that's sad. If he was sleeping with a female coworker, I'd be jealous. But otherwise, why do I care if he's friends with women? I wouldn't be jealous. i would have MAJOR anger issues
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 10, 2014 17:00:26 GMT -5
The question doesn't really apply to me. 1. I don't have any friends, not locally anyway. 2. I'm single, so there are no "rules." The only person I have to be accountable to is myself. So no one can give a flying rip what gender any friend(s) of mine are. I mean, I guess they could, but why would I care? Historically, it's been a pretty even split. When I was a kid, several of my friends were girls. As a side note, I do find that incredibly odd, sharing a hotel room with a co worker on business travel. I've never had to do that, let alone with an opposite gender co worker. We always get our own rooms. Your job probably pays for the room, and if you did have to share there are other men to share with I'm guessing. In dh's case, his company paid $1000 which wasn't enough to cover travel, conference fee, 100% of the hotel for 3+ days, food, etc, and there weren't any other guys he knew going. I only know of 1 other male technician where dh works. I don't know that it makes a difference but on the last trip there were 4 of them in the room. Dh and one other gal slept on the floor (still can't figure out why they didn't just get a couple cots) and the other 2 took the beds.
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justme
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Post by justme on Feb 10, 2014 17:00:29 GMT -5
I don't understanding cheating. I would never start anything of a romantic or sexual nature with a married person. I have way more self esteem than to "settle" for someone who has such poor character as to cheat on their spouse. Problem is a lot of people don't tell the person they're hooking up with that they're married. So by the time they find out they're hooked enough, attached enough to either be ok with scraps or believe the drivel of them eventually leaving.
In college I almost made out with a guy I liked at a party, but got interrupted. We had been at many parties together, I was friends with a lot of his friends, everything pointed out to him being single. I mentioned it to a friend of mine that had went to high school with him and was in a class with him and informed me he had a gf of many years at that point.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 10, 2014 17:16:16 GMT -5
Will that make us friends? LOL.. hey.. now that you mention it... Well, gee, I guess now we both have friends. But no opposite gender ones. Who else wants to come drink with us?
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Feb 10, 2014 17:22:34 GMT -5
There are degrees of friendship. Opposite sex friendships are scaled back when you are in a relationship, heck even some same sex friendships usually get scaled back. Who has a say in where you live, where you work, how you plan your finances, manage your health, how many children you have, etc…? Immediate family comes first. The more serious you are about the relationship, the higher priority it becomes. Good friends understand and don’t insist that you prioritize them above someone you are choosing to build your life with in an intricate and invested manner.
You can share history, interests, hobbies, celebrate the good times, help out in the bad, but you don’t plan your life around friends. Happy hour Wednesday with Sam isn’t vital to your life plan. If it interferes with your relationship, your job, your health, your family, you scale back. If your friends don’t respect that they are asking too much.
As for the relationship, trust is earned. If a guy expects me to trust him implicitly he is not the guy for me. If you keep your priorities straight and your boundaries in check, jealousy is less likely to be an issue. It doesn’t surprise me to read that the guy who snuck around on his wife to hang out with his ex ended up cheating with someone else. You can’t expect someone to trust you when you aren’t behaving in a trustworthy manner.
I used to be obsessed with being the “cool” girl, but it wasn’t so “cool” being married to a cad. I’d rather be with a guy who understands boundaries, and respects mine. If that makes me a lame, jealous harpy so be it.
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kcladyjane
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Post by kcladyjane on Feb 10, 2014 17:28:43 GMT -5
The only male friends that I have are friends through my husband. Ditto for my husband on female friends. We hang out with others as a couple. I don't feel comfortable putting myself in the situation where things might look inappropriate. My husband is my best friend anyway...so I don't feel shorted. I had a couple of really good guy friends before I started dating my husband...but both times ended up with me getting asked out by those guys. So I just avoid those situations now.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Feb 10, 2014 17:29:48 GMT -5
The question doesn't really apply to me. 1. I don't have any friends, not locally anyway. 2. I'm single, so there are no "rules." The only person I have to be accountable to is myself. So no one can give a flying rip what gender any friend(s) of mine are. I mean, I guess they could, but why would I care? Historically, it's been a pretty even split. When I was a kid, several of my friends were girls. As a side note, I do find that incredibly odd, sharing a hotel room with a co worker on business travel. I've never had to do that, let alone with an opposite gender co worker. We always get our own rooms. Your job probably pays for the room, and if you did have to share there are other men to share with I'm guessing. In dh's case, his company paid $1000 which wasn't enough to cover travel, conference fee, 100% of the hotel for 3+ days, food, etc, and there weren't any other guys he knew going. I only know of 1 other male technician where dh works. I don't know that it makes a difference but on the last trip there were 4 of them in the room. Dh and one other gal slept on the floor (still can't figure out why they didn't just get a couple cots) and the other 2 took the beds. Yes, my employer covers 100% of travel expenses. We do have per diem limits for our rooms, but that's about it. You can go above per diem limits if you can justify it, but generally you can find a place within the limits. We also get per diem for our food, more than you could ever reasonably spend on food in a day. I think it averages something like $60 a day for food.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Feb 10, 2014 17:29:59 GMT -5
I brought quite a few male friends into my relationship with hubs, one of which was an FWB. Hubs doesn't seem to mind because he hooks us up when we go to his bar. :-)
One of my closest male friends is now one of hubs' close friends. This friend had a girlfriend (now wife) when we started hanging out and we became quite the trio. Nothing frisky.
If you don't give me reason to be jealous, I won't be jealous. We get along quite well with each other's same and opposite gender friends.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Feb 10, 2014 17:32:23 GMT -5
I don't understanding cheating. I would never start anything of a romantic or sexual nature with a married person. I have way more self esteem than to "settle" for someone who has such poor character as to cheat on their spouse. Problem is a lot of people don't tell the person they're hooking up with that they're married. So by the time they find out they're hooked enough, attached enough to either be ok with scraps or believe the drivel of them eventually leaving.
In college I almost made out with a guy I liked at a party, but got interrupted. We had been at many parties together, I was friends with a lot of his friends, everything pointed out to him being single. I mentioned it to a friend of mine that had went to high school with him and was in a class with him and informed me he had a gf of many years at that point.
Oh Justme, you naughty vixen! I like to think I'd have the honor and self esteem to break up with someone I was attracted to if I found out later on they were hitched. I think I would, but who can say until you get to that point?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Feb 10, 2014 17:36:16 GMT -5
exactly. too much work to be jealous. What a bull! It whether you don't care about spouse or you'll be jealous. I realize that not everyone is getting married because they are in love...that's sad. Utter nonsense. Love does not equal jealousy. Real love involves trust and trust precludes jealousy. If you're given a reason to be suspicious of untoward behavior, that's an issue; however, it's perfectly possible for two people of opposite genders to be nothing more than good friends. My very best friend for many years was male. His wife, my DH, my friend and I spent a lot of time together. My DH and my friend went to university together. Yet, Tom and I were closer than my DH and Tom. Our personalities just meshed. It was I who was devastated when Tom passed away. His wife and I mourned him together. She knew I loved him as a friend. No jealousy. No suspicion. Tom passed over 15 years ago and his wife and I still maintain contact. We shared a cry over the telephone when my DH passed.
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justme
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Post by justme on Feb 10, 2014 17:38:22 GMT -5
He sure got the stink eye from me at the next party. And I wanted to kick the mutual friends cuz they didn't warn me, I'm guessing they didn't like the gf as she was never at their parties and I could have broken them up? No thank you!
I think a lot of people do break it off, but humans stay in crappy relationships all the time so I wouldn't think that would be an exception.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2014 17:41:21 GMT -5
I'm an anomaly on this board, a woman that gets along with other women. The majority of my closest friends are women but my best friend ever is a guy. He lives about 6 hours from me and we have known each other since grade 9. My current friend and I have a lot of the same friends, male and female. It's not an issue for either of us. If we wanted to be with other people we would be.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Feb 10, 2014 18:17:50 GMT -5
I'm an anomaly on this board, a woman that gets along with other women. The majority of my closest friends are women but my best friend ever is a guy. He lives about 6 hours from me and we have known each other since grade 9. My current friend and I have a lot of the same friends, male and female. It's not an issue for either of us. If we wanted to be with other people we would be. I find it weird that there are so many "I can't be friends with other women" women on the boards. I get along with everyone!
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Feb 10, 2014 18:36:39 GMT -5
My best friend in the whole world is a man. When he met is now wife, her and I got along really well, as did he and my husband. Now all four of us are best buds. We even spent our wedding night partying with them instead of being alone (we had been together 3 years already). I joke to my husband about being jealous of them because they go hunting together all the time, and I'm not "allowed" to go (I would talk the whole time and have to pee every 5 minutes), and maybe they are cheating on me with each other. We both have tons of friends of the opposite sex. The only problem is my hubs tends to get very flirtatious with his female friends when he is drinking, and has crossed the line and caused problems more than once. I also tend to get very flirtatious when drinking.....and also with my female friends. lol I don't know what it is, but get a few martinis in me and I will flirt with every woman in the joint.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 10, 2014 19:06:40 GMT -5
2. I'm single, so there are no "rules." The only person I have to be accountable to is myself. So no one can give a flying rip what gender any friend(s) of mine are. I mean, I guess they could, but why would I care?
At this point, it is not yourself that you need to be accountable to, but your friends need to be accountable to their spouses.
I work in a male dominated field and have a lot of very good friends who are male. I've traveled with them, I've dined with them, I've been in their hotel room while waiting to go out. AFAIK, none of their wives have ever had a problem with me socializing with their husbands while we were away at meetings, or at work. But I did have something funny happen at one meeting. A friend of mine was sharing a hotel room with another guy. I was out to dinner with my friend and his roommate (another guy in our lab) did not want to go to dinner with us. Friend's wife called the hotel room while we were out and roommate lied as to where my friend was because he thought his wife would be angry that we went out to dinner. Funny thing is that the previous meeting wife attended it and we all socialized together. She had no problem with us socializing, but roommate assumed she did. My friend had to do some corrections there.
As a side note, I do find that incredibly odd, sharing a hotel room with a co worker on business travel. I've never had to do that, let alone with an opposite gender co worker. We always get our own rooms.
At 2 of the universities where I was employed were only given a amount for a hotel room and in many cities, our hotel $$ didn't even cover half the hotel room. So we always doubled (and sometimes tripled) up in order to not get hit with a $600+ bill over and beyond what amount covered covered. I can't remember a single instance where the per deim would have allowed me to get my own room without paying a significant amount out of pocket.
The last university, we didn't have these constraints but there were always budget issues for travel so I would double up with a friend if there was one that was free. Sometimes there was, sometimes there was not.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 10, 2014 20:15:11 GMT -5
I have always worked wih men, which would mean travelling out of town (or country), having dinners together, go touring, etx. I have never given it a second thought.
My husband has always works in a male dominates field so he has never traveled with a woman. I am not jealous but I would lose my shit if he told me he was going in a guys weekend but with a female friend. I trust my husband but I don't think traveling for fun with someone of the opposite sex is acceptable.
I have male and female friends. My BFF is female.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 10, 2014 20:37:45 GMT -5
Both DH and I have had male friends and female friends. As far as I know, nothing inappropriate has ever happened and neither of us is concerned with the concept. Right now, he doesn't have any female friends, but in Phoenix, he had a very close female friend at work. At the time, I'd never heard this phrase, but now I've heard the phrase I'd describe her as his work wife. They were best friends for over a decade and just really enjoyed each other's company and it was good for them both to have a friend at a workplace that wasn't always very nice. When they first became friends, she was dating, then was single for a few years and then met and married a nice guy. Over all that time, I honestly don't think they ever cheated on their respective partners and were just best friends. I was glad he had a good friend at work that made him happy because there were a lot of jerks there. We did some things together as couples and I liked her, but we weren't really close friends, nor was he close to her boyfriends or her husband.
I had one or two close male friends from work because like Miss Tequila, I worked for a company with mostly men as were the clients. Again, nothing inappropriate ever happened and it just wasn't a big deal. In fact, I set up two of them with women they'd eventually marry.
Since we've moved to Florida, DH doesn't really have any close female friends, but I think that's more a matter of who he regularly interacts and works with. If he made a close female friend, I'd be fine with that. I have a few close male friends mainly through sailing, which again is mostly men. DH has never said he has a problem with this, hopefully because he knows that I wouldn't do anything inappropriate.
Neither of us is secretive about friends, though. We both talk about our friends and bring along spouses to things the spouse would enjoy. It's not like there's any attempt to sneak around or separate friends from spouses. In fact, I always make a special effort to introduce DH to my male friends in the hope that he'll bond with them, too and we can all be friends. Sometimes they click and it's fun to all be close friends together and other times, there's no friendship spark (DH is a very quiet guy) so they're just more acquaintances. I have no idea what the wives of my male sailing friends think. Although I try very hard to include them in any land based activities and to be friends with them as well, there are a few that definitely give off vibes of "I'm just putting up with you because my husband really likes you and you're a valuable part of his sailing team." But that could be jealousy or could just as easily be them not liking me, which does happen. Who knows? That part is not my problem as long as I'm making the effort and not doing anything that either appears or is inappropriate.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 10, 2014 20:42:42 GMT -5
I have always worked wih men, which would mean travelling out of town (or country), having dinners together, go touring, etx. I have never given it a second thought. The only time I remember that being a problem is one trip where my team was flying with the client to examine a company that was a possible acquisition target. We were in a group of about 10 of us (9 guys and me) at the airport and for some reason, the TSA wanted to inspect my carry on bag which was the only bag I had on the trip. While all the guys I worked with and the clients stood there, the TSA guys unpacked my carry on. Nobody thinks their luggage is going to be unpacked in public and of course it contained everything you'd wear on top and underneath for 4 days, including a lacy camisole... thigh high hose... thong panties...and other girly stuff. Awkward.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Feb 10, 2014 20:47:23 GMT -5
I have always worked wih men, which would mean travelling out of town (or country), having dinners together, go touring, etx. I have never given it a second thought. My husband has always works in a male dominates field so he has never traveled with a woman. I am not jealous but I would lose my shit if he told me he was going in a guys weekend but with a female friend. I trust my husband but I don't think traveling for fun with someone of the opposite sex is acceptable.
I have male and female friends. My BFF is female. Killjoy. Next you're going to tell me late night walks on the beach are out!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 10, 2014 20:47:56 GMT -5
I have always worked wih men, which would mean travelling out of town (or country), having dinners together, go touring, etx. I have never given it a second thought. The only time I remember that being a problem is one trip where my team was flying with the client to examine a company that was a possible acquisition target. We were in a group of about 10 of us (9 guys and me) at the airport and for some reason, the TSA wanted to inspect my carry on bag which was the only bag I had on the trip. While all the guys I worked with and the clients stood there, the TSA guys unpacked my carry on. Nobody thinks their luggage is going to be unpacked in public and of course it contained everything you'd wear on top and underneath for 4 days, including a lacy camisole... thigh high hose... thong panties...and other girly stuff. Awkward. Lol! Something similar happened to me but it was my boss. We were going to brazil for nearly two weeks so I had to take some feminine products just in case. I must have tossed them in at the last minute because when he asked if I had room in my suitcase for something, I opened it and right in top was a huge box of tampons and a bag if pads...I wanted to die!lol.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 10, 2014 20:48:55 GMT -5
I have always worked wih men, which would mean travelling out of town (or country), having dinners together, go touring, etx. I have never given it a second thought. My husband has always works in a male dominates field so he has never traveled with a woman. I am not jealous but I would lose my shit if he told me he was going in a guys weekend but with a female friend. I trust my husband but I don't think traveling for fun with someone of the opposite sex is acceptable.
I have male and female friends. My BFF is female. Killjoy. Next you're going to tell me late night walks on the beach are out! Lol! That was actually the only time my husband ever got pissed at me traveling with a male. I clearly thought nothing of it since I told him about it!lol.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 10, 2014 21:01:58 GMT -5
I have traveled with male friends to compete in sailing regattas. I was the only woman on the boat as well. Not sure if that qualifies as traveling for fun, but since I'm not a professional sailor, I guess it does.
FWIW, nothing inappropriate happened on those trips, either. And those are tight quarters where you have to be carefully respectful of people's privacy since you're doing everything - yes, everything - within a few feet of each other for days at a time.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2014 21:19:56 GMT -5
What... friends listen to endless love in the dark.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Feb 10, 2014 21:20:09 GMT -5
One of my very best friends was a guy, but his crazy wife felt threatened by me, so he was not "allowed" to be friends with me. He saw me and talked to me without her knowing for years, but I rarely hear from him anymore. We had a little bit of a fling before he even met/married his wife, but we were truly just very good friends and nothing inappropriate ever happened between us once he was seriously involved with her. But, she really is cray cray, like spent time in the psych hospital cray cray, so, I pretty much finally just dropped out of his life. It makes me sad, but, she would never accept it or understand. And the irony is, he DID end up having an affair with someone a couple years ago. I don't know if I could be cool with my spouse being good friends with an ex. I'm not a jealous or suspicious type, but that would be too much. As for opposite gender friends. Yeah, pretty much all my friends are guys. I've always had trouble relating to other women. I don't know why. I have a few girlfriends that are family or neighbors but even a couple of those are lesbians. LOL Eh, I'd never describe us as "ex" anything. It was more like a good friend that we happened to kiss a few times early on in our friendship. It never was anything more and we grew into really great friends. Heck, I saw him after his affair when he was briefly separated. We went to dinner, had a non stop talk Fest catching up, but nothing even remotely "romantic". We just totally clicked. Maybe not in a romantic way, but just as people, friends, and it makes me really sad that he has to choose and can't be a part of my life.
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quince
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Post by quince on Feb 10, 2014 21:24:23 GMT -5
Of course we both have opposite gender friends. The rule is that we're not allowed to have sex with opposite gender friends, but we're also not allowed to have sex with same gender friends without clearing it with each other, so I guess no special rules.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 10, 2014 21:30:02 GMT -5
I don't know if I could be cool with my spouse being good friends with an ex. I'm not a jealous or suspicious type, but that would be too much. As for opposite gender friends. Yeah, pretty much all my friends are guys. I've always had trouble relating to other women. I don't know why. I have a few girlfriends that are family or neighbors but even a couple of those are lesbians. LOL Eh, I'd never describe us as "ex" anything. It was more like a good friend that we happened to kiss a few times early on in our friendship. It never was anything more and we grew into really great friends. Heck, I saw him after his affair when he was briefly separated. We went to dinner, had a non stop talk Fest catching up, but nothing even remotely "romantic". We just totally clicked. Maybe not in a romantic way, but just as people, friends, and it makes me really sad that he has to choose and can't be a part of my life. I wouldn't be cool with my dh being good friends wih someone he had a fling with, either. I've never considered myself jealous and years ago I would send my husband out to watch the game at the bar with my old BFF...a smoking hot blonde. But over the years I have seen too many marriages fall apart because one spouse gets too close to someone outside their marriage. So while I will never be a crazy jealous person, I am not sure I would want my husband leaving me at home to go out with another female.
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