raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 10, 2014 14:25:05 GMT -5
Do you have them? Does your SO/spouse? Do you have rules about hanging out with your opposite gender friends that don't apply if you're out just with the girls or guys?
Most of our friends are people we've met as a couple, but dh is good friends with a lot of his coworkers who are predominantly women. I'm sure I'm on the extreme in that I couldn't give a rats ass who he's out with as long as he isn't shirking family responsibilities. He even shares hotel rooms with female coworkers when he goes to conferences.
He invites his coworkers with kids out to the zoo, museums, etc that we have memberships to with free guest passes every week and it just depends on schedules who shows up. One of his friends who has a daughter the same age as our youngest is married to a horribly controlling, jealous jackass and she can't ever meet up with my dh because her husband just knows she is going to cheat on him... Nevermind the fact that my dh specifically invites her dh to come along too--and her dh isn't working or in school so he certainly could go with them but chooses not to.
My dh was jealous in the early years and I just shut him down. I know he still has some issues with it, but I won't tolerate that kind of behavior or attitude and he understands why.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 10, 2014 14:31:06 GMT -5
my husband's best friend is a female. I've never met her (seen pics) and he doesn't see her that much.
one of my very good friends is male. When he first stated dating his wife, I don't think she believed that nothing ever happened between us. Now, about 10 years and 6 kids between all of us later, I am pretty sure she is fine with everything. I actually talk to her more than I talk to him.
I've always had easier time getting along with guys than women and I did loose some of them to their g/fs.
When I started dating my husband, one of my best friends was a guy. My husband wasn't too crazy about it, but the guy ended up in prison, so that problem was solved
The ONLY rules I have for my husband involve not leaving dirty diapers on my pillow and make sure all my electronics are working.
I have no clue if he has any rules for me. I never asked
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2014 14:33:29 GMT -5
I don't and my wife doesn't.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Feb 10, 2014 14:33:32 GMT -5
I'm not jealous. My husband has women friends. I don't care.
But, I was naive earlier in my life in thinking that people were more mature than that. I have always had mostly male friends, and it constantly became a problem when my friends would get serious girlfriends and/or wives.
It's like my friends SOs tried to limit all contact or only allowed supervised contact. It got to be such a hassle trying to act as brotherly/sisterly as possible with my friends in front of their girlfriends that I gave up a little.
I try to only have women friends now. But it's hard, I'm a little too blunt and lack the common interests that many women share.
I miss my men friends.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 10, 2014 14:37:27 GMT -5
My husband has lots of female friends, he works with mostly women.
I have male friends. I used to go visit them a lot and stay for the weekend, but we all have kids now. We don't have weekends of drunken debauchery anymore.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Feb 10, 2014 14:38:56 GMT -5
One of my very best friends was a guy, but his crazy wife felt threatened by me, so he was not "allowed" to be friends with me. He saw me and talked to me without her knowing for years, but I rarely hear from him anymore. We had a little bit of a fling before he even met/married his wife, but we were truly just very good friends and nothing inappropriate ever happened between us once he was seriously involved with her. But, she really is cray cray, like spent time in the psych hospital cray cray, so, I pretty much finally just dropped out of his life. It makes me sad, but, she would never accept it or understand. And the irony is, he DID end up having an affair with someone a couple years ago.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 10, 2014 14:41:05 GMT -5
I don't know if this counts but my lesbian friend is not my friend anymore bc her bimbo-g/f didn't want us to be friends.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Feb 10, 2014 14:41:58 GMT -5
Loop has male friends. I don't really have any female friends, other than couple friends that we both know which doesn't really count. bitches be crazy, so I usually hang out with guys.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2014 14:47:42 GMT -5
One of my very best friends was a guy, but his crazy wife felt threatened by me, so he was not "allowed" to be friends with me. He saw me and talked to me without her knowing for years, but I rarely hear from him anymore. We had a little bit of a fling before he even met/married his wife, but we were truly just very good friends and nothing inappropriate ever happened between us once he was seriously involved with her. But, she really is cray cray, like spent time in the psych hospital cray cray, so, I pretty much finally just dropped out of his life. It makes me sad, but, she would never accept it or understand. And the irony is, he DID end up having an affair with someone a couple years ago. I don't know if I could be cool with my spouse being good friends with an ex. I'm not a jealous or suspicious type, but that would be too much. As for opposite gender friends. Yeah, pretty much all my friends are guys. I've always had trouble relating to other women. I don't know why. I have a few girlfriends that are family or neighbors but even a couple of those are lesbians. LOL
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 10, 2014 14:49:49 GMT -5
I don't know if this counts but my lesbian friend is not my friend anymore bc her bimbo-g/f didn't want us to be friends. Who is she allowed to be friends with? The co-dependent lesbian stereotype is around for a reason, but really wtf? My bigger question for everyone is why on earth would anyone tolerate that? All of that, 'it's not you, it's him/her I don't trust' is complete and utter controlling, manipulative BS.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 10, 2014 14:50:15 GMT -5
I don't have rules. Per say. But, I do ask that he is forthright when he has new female coworkers or adds new women on LinkedIn. Otherwise we talk about things as they come up, mostly for my comfort.
I do have a spouse, though, that has poor boundaries with women, and should he relapse, physical cheating is within the realm of possibility.
My H lied to me for the first 10 years of our relationship. He's been sober for 7 years this spring. So, we still have a few more years before there will have been more honest years than not.
When I'm surprised with new women or I feel my H has inappropriate boundaries with them, I tend to get panic attacks. I like avoiding situations that will give me panic attacks.
I cannot completely trust what my husband says. The only thing I can absolutely trust is his behavior that I can see with my own eyes.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 10, 2014 14:52:34 GMT -5
I don't have rules. Per say. But, I do ask that he is forthright when he has new female coworkers or adds new women on LinkedIn. Otherwise we talk about things as they come up, mostly for my comfort. I do have a spouse, though, that has poor boundaries with women, and should he relapse, physical cheating is within the realm of possibility. My H lied to me for the first 10 years of our relationship. He's been sober for 7 years this spring. So, we still have a few more years before there will have been more honest years than not. When I'm surprised with new women or I feel my H has inappropriate boundaries with them, I tend to get panic attacks. I like avoiding situations that will give me panic attacks. I cannot completely trust what my husband says. The only thing I can absolutely trust is his behavior that I can see with my own eyes. I hadn't thought about your situation Gira, but I would have different thoughts on the matter if I had walked in your shoes.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 10, 2014 14:53:21 GMT -5
I don't know if this counts but my lesbian friend is not my friend anymore bc her bimbo-g/f didn't want us to be friends. Who is she allowed to be friends with? The co-dependent lesbian stereotype is around for a reason, but really wtf? My bigger question for everyone is why on earth would anyone tolerate that? All of that, 'it's not you, it's him/her I don't trust' is complete and utter controlling, manipulative BS. You know, it was really bad when they first got together. My friend had an ex back in Ukraine. She also had her mom and her grandmother still there. Bimbo wouldn't allow her to go back home for YEARS bc she was afraid that my friend would get together with her ex. My friend is VERY non-confrontational and now they've been together for over decade and have two kids together, so I don't see them splitting up. But I lost a very good friendship. Broke my heart.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Feb 10, 2014 14:54:37 GMT -5
I have about a 50/50 mix of male and female friends. I'm so not a jealous person, but there is no way in hell my husband (if I had one) would be sharing a room with a female co-worker on some conference. Just no way in hell. Call me old-fashioned, suspicious, jealous...whatever. It wouldn't be happening. Nor would I expect him to be ok with me doing the same.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Feb 10, 2014 14:55:47 GMT -5
I don't know if this counts but my lesbian friend is not my friend anymore bc her bimbo-g/f didn't want us to be friends. Who is she allowed to be friends with? The co-dependent lesbian stereotype is around for a reason, but really wtf? My bigger question for everyone is why on earth would anyone tolerate that? All of that, 'it's not you, it's him/her I don't trust' is complete and utter controlling, manipulative BS. I wouldn't tolerate it from my husband. But I knew going in that he wasn't the jealous type. And he knew the same about me. But it's not my place to criticize my friends' choice in partners. Perfect people don't exist, and love is hard to find. If I'm the collateral damage, so be it. I can live. It sucks for me to lose my guy friends, but I'm glad that they are happy. I also have a woman friend, and her husband always listens in on our conversations. I don't know if he thinks that I'm a lesbian or what, but he is always listening in. So weird...
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Feb 10, 2014 15:09:09 GMT -5
Have a lot of male friends over the years. There are definite no go areas...no physical interaction...flirting, sleeping in the same room etc and if he is having trouble with a girlfriend I'll tell him to talk it over with her. They just get treated like one of my brothers......
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 10, 2014 15:09:49 GMT -5
Who is she allowed to be friends with? The co-dependent lesbian stereotype is around for a reason, but really wtf? My bigger question for everyone is why on earth would anyone tolerate that? All of that, 'it's not you, it's him/her I don't trust' is complete and utter controlling, manipulative BS. I wouldn't tolerate it from my husband. But I knew going in that he wasn't the jealous type. And he knew the same about me. But it's not my place to criticize my friends' choice in partners. Perfect people don't exist, and love is hard to find. If I'm the collateral damage, so be it. I can live. It sucks for me to lose my guy friends, but I'm glad that they are happy. I also have a woman friend, and her husband always listens in on our conversations. I don't know if he thinks that I'm a lesbian or what, but he is always listening in. So weird... I'm more judgmental that Rainy? Personally that is one of my absolute deal breakers because I believe that 99% of the time: 1) Cheaters are who worry about their SO's cheating, 2) It is more about control than insecurity and they never stop at just controlling your friends. I agree with you *in theory* on not judging other people's relationships because you never really know what goes on between 2 people. I guess just not on this topic.
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justme
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Post by justme on Feb 10, 2014 15:10:14 GMT -5
Not married, but in my relationships I've basically told the guys I'll chose my friends over them if they throw a hissy fit. One got his panties in a bunch because I was moving into a house with my best guy friend. I got my own bathroom that was within my room so we only shared the living areas. I told him it was his problem to deal with - we had plans to move in together before I ever met him.
The only situations I would speak up about are ones that are clearly inappropriate, but I hope to find a guy that's wise enough to figure that out. Like my last guy was really good friends with a girl, then dated her and it didn't work out, so they got to be friends again. Seems they tend to be flirty when they're both single, but he shut her down during the first convo they had after we started dating (which she answered promptly with "it's justme, that girl you added on FB recently isn't?"). Though, if she had visited while we were dating I think I might have asked that either I go over there or he came to my place if she was visiting and crashing at his place. Not that I didn't completely trust him, he just made the mistake of telling me of a time she visited after they had broken up they got drunk and slept together even though the visit was planned as a platonic one. So that'd make me uncomfortable, but I don't think he would have made me have to ask.
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genericname
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Post by genericname on Feb 10, 2014 15:13:24 GMT -5
I work with mostly men, my husband works with a lot of women and men. He's not jealous, nor am I. I guess I should worry more, since he's around gorgeous figure skating college women all day long, but I don't have time for that sh!t. If I didn't feel like I could trust him, I would never have married him. Our long-standing joke is that I have a bullet with his name on it if I ever found out he was cheating. He started the joke, not me.
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midwestlily
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Post by midwestlily on Feb 10, 2014 15:17:25 GMT -5
One of my best friends is male, but he's also gay, so that probably doesn't count either.
My oldest friend is male; we became friends in high school, but knew each other all the way back to first grade. He's been married for almost twenty years, and I'm friends with his wife too. She knows that it was always platonic between us.
I had other male friends when I was younger. I worked as a computer programmer, so most of my co-workers were male, and I got used to hanging out with them. Most of us were single, so it just wasn't an issue.
As I go through my fifties, I'm starting to find myself becoming friends, or at least good work friends, with some of the younger men here. Sex isn't really an issue when there's a 20-year-plus age difference.
I like friends of both genders, but being childfree means that I'm easily bored by one of the main topics that women tend to talk about. My best (female) friend here never wanted children either.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Feb 10, 2014 15:27:18 GMT -5
meh- neither of us care.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 10, 2014 15:27:55 GMT -5
exactly. too much work to be jealous.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Feb 10, 2014 15:29:56 GMT -5
One of my best friends is a gay gentleman that I used to work with and who just retired. He and my DH had never met, so we went to lunch with his partner/friend and him this last weekend. Now, everybody has met everybody else. We had a great time with them, too. We're planning a trip down to the Hardcore Pawn store this spring. DH is not sure whether he wants to go back here, so it might be me and the two guys in bad old D-town. I've already been to the store twice, and just love it.
My DH has a good friend who is a gay female, and she is also a good friend of ours.
I guess as long as friends of the opposite sex respect our relationship and marriage, I don't have a problem with the idea.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2014 15:31:06 GMT -5
We should define friend. What are the characteristics of the a friendship that we are talking about?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Feb 10, 2014 15:33:49 GMT -5
I assumed we were using the standard definition of opposite sex friend. Somebody you hang out with, bitch about life's petty annoyances, laugh, joke, drink with, flirt some, and screw if your wife isn't around. Typical friend.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Feb 10, 2014 15:34:09 GMT -5
I don't and my wife doesn't. We are minority Archie. I think our forum-mates weren't too choosy and picked some mates... That's what money preoccupancy does to people.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 10, 2014 15:34:24 GMT -5
We should define friend. What are the characteristics of the a friendship that we are talking about? Ummm...someone who you would or do spend time with and enjoy their company. I'm having a hard time defining friend without using the word...friend.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2014 15:37:19 GMT -5
We should define friend. What are the characteristics of the a friendship that we are talking about? Ummm...someone who you would or do spend time with and enjoy their company. I'm having a hard time defining friend without using the word...friend. I have people that I would consider friends that span from going on a weekend trips with to friends up I see at parties and catch up on the last year and a whole range in between. I have lots of female friends that I enjoy talking with at parties. I have no female friends that I would go on a camping trip just her and I.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Feb 10, 2014 15:39:45 GMT -5
exactly. too much work to be jealous. What a bull! It whether you don't care about spouse or you'll be jealous. I realize that not everyone is getting married because they are in love...that's sad.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 10, 2014 15:41:29 GMT -5
exactly. too much work to be jealous. What a bull! It whether you don't care about spouse or you'll be jealous. I realize that not everyone is getting married because they are in love...that's sad. If he was sleeping with a female coworker, I'd be jealous. But otherwise, why do I care if he's friends with women?
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