Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 6, 2014 9:10:15 GMT -5
I recently got reamed on here for sharing my opinion that a SAHS should be in charge of most housework/shopping/home duties even if there are kids in the picture. That remains my opinion for the simple reason that when both parents are working, those things still somehow manage to get done and therefore I think it's completely reasonable in MOST situations for the person who stays home to handle them. So I'm curious about how it works in other families - with or without kids. Currently in our household (me/DH/Babybird/cat), our division of labor breaks down pretty much like this: DH:
-40 hours of work + ~4 hours of commute per week = ~44 working hours -80% of grocery shopping (he takes Babybird with him so I can clean) = ~4 hours -Random spot cleaning = ~2 hours -Daycare pickup/dropoff, plus childcare during the hours I'm at work = not sure exactly, but I'd put this at 10-15 hours minimum -Cooking = varies, but I'll say 2-3 hours per week Total: 62-68 hours Me:
-40 hours of work + 15 hours of commute per week = 55 working hours (not counting overtime) -80% of household chores (I do the big cleaning jobs while DH is shopping with Babybird on weekends, which has been working really well) = ~6 hours -Bill paying/financial planning = on average, ~1 hour -Cooking = 1 hour Total: 63 hours Babybird:
Not much. Learning to pick up own toys Kitty cat: Even less. Clearly we've got two slackers in the house. But I think the division of labor between me and DH is pretty fair. We used to allegedly split chores but we've come to the realization that things flow much better when I take the lead on that and he takes the lead on shopping/cooking. I like cleaning way more than shopping (plus my standards are higher), and vice versa for him. If one of us stayed home, yeah, I'd expect that person to pretty much take over the other person's share of the household stuff. Any way you slice it, the household stuff doesn't come out to more than about 20 hours per week, which is easily doable with the loss of work/commute time. (Yes, I realize that full time childcare also goes along with that but let's get real - a toddler should be sleeping about 12 hours a day, and an adult should be sleeping 8, so that's 28 hours of free time right there. And older kids are in school.) But I've been wrong before, as whoisjohngalt says. So how does it work in your house?
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Feb 6, 2014 9:19:32 GMT -5
Well, when I was laid off, I basically did everything, washing, cleaning, dishes, shopping, cooking, appt scheduling, kitty vet appts. The only things I didn't do are things I can't physically (vaccum, mow the yard etc)
now that I"m working with a hellish commute, it's more even. I still do most of the shopping and laundry, usually on weekends. DH does more of the cleaning/cooking/dishes. We split animal care 50/50 or there abouts
Our only kids are 4-footed at this point.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 6, 2014 9:26:50 GMT -5
I recently got reamed on here for sharing my opinion that a SAHS should be in charge of most housework/shopping/home duties even if there are kids in the picture. That remains my opinion for the simple reason that when both parents are working, those things still somehow manage to get done and therefore I think it's completely reasonable in MOST situations for the person who stays home to handle them. So I'm curious about how it works in other families - with or without kids. Currently in our household (me/DH/Babybird/cat), our division of labor breaks down pretty much like this: DH:
-40 hours of work + ~4 hours of commute per week = ~44 working hours -80% of grocery shopping (he takes Babybird with him so I can clean) = ~4 hours -Random spot cleaning = ~2 hours -Daycare pickup/dropoff, plus childcare during the hours I'm at work = not sure exactly, but I'd put this at 10-15 hours minimum -Cooking = varies, but I'll say 2-3 hours per week Total: 62-68 hours Me:
-40 hours of work + 15 hours of commute per week = 55 working hours (not counting overtime) -80% of household chores (I do the big cleaning jobs while DH is shopping with Babybird on weekends, which has been working really well) = ~6 hours -Bill paying/financial planning = on average, ~1 hour -Cooking = 1 hour Total: 63 hours Babybird:
Not much. Learning to pick up own toys But I've been wrong before, as whoisjohngalt says. So how does it work in your house? I have no idea who "reamed" you, but you are backpaddling bc that's NOT what you said. You said that SAHS need to put in 40 hrs into their "job" and is not allowed to take a break until ALL things are done. Some people found that absurd and said so. I was one of those people. And I already posted numerous times how it works in my house
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 6, 2014 9:28:45 GMT -5
When I worked and while I was still married, I had someone clean. But I did all the rest as I had shorter hours than he did. Plus, NO ONE touches the laundry but me. He was a very hands on father until the drugs and alcohol changed him so no complaints there. His brothers use to tease him about diaper changing being woman's work but he actually just ignored them or told them the babies diapers smelled like roses to him!
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 6, 2014 9:33:53 GMT -5
DH: 70% of meal prep say 5 hours 85% of meal cleanup say 5 hours 85% of child care (DD is 11) so with homework etc say 10 hours 40 hours of work a week about 3 hours a week commuting/dropping off or picking up DD Pickup - 1hour House projects - 2 hours Rentals - 2 hours So total 65 hours a week
Me: 45-50 hours of work a week 20 hours commute a week 3 hours of meal prep (I do big weekend meals) 1 hours of meal cleanup (DH does all the cleanup during the week and helps me on the weekends) Home pickup 1 hour (we have cleaning ladies who do the real cleaning) Bills, taxes, rentals, paperwork etc - 2 hours a week Meal planning/grocery shopping - 3 hours a week House projects - 2 hours So total 77 hours a week. Obviously the main difference is the commute which is a combination of me time and work time. This is why he does the bulk of the cooking and childcare.
DD: School - 32.5 hours a week Homework - 5 hours a week Sports practise/games - 8 hours a week Petcare (feeding, brushing, cleaning litterboxes) say 3 hours a week Straightening room - 2 hours a week Laundry (and yes, she does the bulk of it for the household) say 2 hours a week (we help fold but she sorts, carries it down/up and rotates the loads) So 52.5 hours per week.
The Cats: Relation therapy (sitting on our laps and purring) at least 13 hours a week Entertaining the humans (chasing a kitty toy) at least 7 hours a week Watching the birds at the birdfeeder 13 hours a week eating - 5 hours a week sleeping (umm lets see 24 X's 7 minus the above) 130 hours a week They tell me they're exhausted because they don't get enough rest.
It works for us.
Our household/non-work time is a bit higher than yours but that's due to the rentals and a few projects we have going on around the house.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 6, 2014 9:34:58 GMT -5
You said that SAHS need to put in 40 hrs into their "job" and is not allowed to take a break until ALL things are done.
No... that's not what I said. I never said anything at all about breaks.
But regardless, what I MEANT by that is this: If a working spouse is spending 40+ hours working outside the home, it is not at all unreasonable to me for the SAHS to spend a similar amount of time working inside the home. And I don't really count all childcare into those hours because all parents have to take care of their kids on their "off" time.
So to me, the hours that "count" as working hours for a SAHP (and I'm not saying it's automatically 40 hours and not a minute more - I can see it being a LOT more at certain times, just as a 40 hour work week is sometimes much more) are hours spent doing actual household work as I outlined above which would normally be SHARED between two working parents, e.g. cleaning/ cooking/ shopping/ some childcare (again, not all because working parents have to do some too).
I must have said it badly, but that's what I meant. That IN MY OPINION, keeping a household running smoothly is part of a SAHS/P's job and the working parent shouldn't have to do much of what they would have to do if both parents were working.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Feb 6, 2014 9:36:17 GMT -5
I'm currently taking a ~ 1 year maternity leave after having baby #2 so I've been on both sides of this. Right now things aren't much different than when I was working. We still tackle big jobs on the weekends when one person can take/watch the kids while the other cooks/cleans/does yardwork. I do grocery shopping and errands during the week with the two kids (when I go back to work in a few months, that stuff will get moved to the weekend again) and I keep the house "at status" between big weekend cleanings which happen once a month. I have dinner ready when DH gets home but honestly it's mostly reheating stuff that we prepped on the weekends or the night before after the kids were in bed. My DH has no problem with how things are. He knows our DD (9 months) only takes 2 half hour naps a day, it doesn't leave much free time. I've also got our 3.5 year old running around most of the time other than the two days a week he goes to preschool for a couple hours. If I was a SAHM of kids in full time school, yeah, I'd be doing everything but with two little ones, it just isn't possible.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Feb 6, 2014 9:36:44 GMT -5
Right now I'm on maternity leave (1.5 weeks left), and DH had a knee transplant 6 weeks ago, so I've been doing more than usual. Normally - Me: Work 40 hours, commute 10 All grocery shopping All bill paying Drop off/pick up DD at daycare Christmas/birthday gift shopping and wrapping Put DD to bed DH: Work 50 hours, commute 2 85% of cooking All home repairs Mows lawn Cleans snake tank Cleans fish tank Takes trash can down to road for pickup Gets up with DD in the morning so I can sleep in Both (pretty equal split, depending on who has more free time that week and/or who has a lower mess threshold): Dishes Laundry Litterbox Take trash downstairs Vacuum Sweep and mop Our house is always pretty clean - we're both kind of anal. Doing a sweep every night (putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher, wiping down counters and stove, picking up laundry) does a lot to keep the mess down. I'm sure that will change as DD becomes more mobile, but for now it works. DH will not sit by while I'm doing something, so the only times I'm cleaning and he isn't are the Saturday mornings he works (or in the summer while he's outside mowing). I got a good one. ETA - right now I do the majority of kid care just by virtue of being home 24/7, but DH takes over as soon as he gets home. He's better at entertaining her than I am.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 6, 2014 9:36:50 GMT -5
The Cats: Relation therapy (sitting on our laps and purring) at least 13 hours a week Entertaining the humans (chasing a kitty toy) at least 7 hours a week Watching the birds at the birdfeeder 13 hours a week eating - 5 hours a week sleeping (umm lets see 24 X's 7 minus the above) 130 hours a week They tell me they're exhausted because they don't get enough rest. Love it. Ah, the life of a cat.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 6, 2014 9:38:20 GMT -5
Firebird - I think you're missing a couple of things. - I don't think Babybird is too mobile yet. Wait until she is. The time spent cleaning up after her will increase significantly. It's crazy how fast they can scatter toys, games, clothes, etc. And it never ceases to amaze me how much stuff my kiddos (5.5 and 1.5) traipse from floor to floor - bedroom stuff to the basement, basement stuff to the kitchen etc.
- If the kids are home all day with a SAHP this only adds to the amt of time they get to spend on item 1. Plus the amt of things it takes to entertain them a full day adds to item 1 as well.
- If the kids are home all day, it means feeding them two more meals and maybe a snack. This adds both cooking/prep time as well as dishes, dishes, and more dishes.
- Kid #2 will add to the chaos. He/she will need their own toys, clothes, etc. It's amazing to me how much more laundry I do for 2 kids vs 1.
Anyway, just wanted to chime in. DH and I both work now. We had a full year stint when he was home with the girls. There were pros and cons - coming home to a house that I left relatively clean and having it stay clean while the kids are in school/daycare is a huge PLUS
Edited because I forgot one... - Kids will never nap at the same time. So when/if you have the second one, you lose that big chunk of time during naps when you could fly thru housework and have some downtime.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 6, 2014 9:39:09 GMT -5
OK, once again, your opinion sounds absurd to me. But that's the beauty of the opinions - everyone can have whichever one they want.
I am going to leave this thread to people who are actually answering your OP.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Feb 6, 2014 9:39:55 GMT -5
The Cats: Relation therapy (sitting on our laps and purring) at least 13 hours a week Entertaining the humans (chasing a kitty toy) at least 7 hours a week Watching the birds at the birdfeeder 13 hours a week eating - 5 hours a week sleeping (umm lets see 24 X's 7 minus the above) 130 hours a week They tell me they're exhausted because they don't get enough rest.Love it. Ah, the life of a cat. She forgot grooming. Grooming each other, themselves, the dog (not that she's happy about it), the people My cats also play endless games of tag all over the house, so I guess that's 'excercize'
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doxieluvr
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Post by doxieluvr on Feb 6, 2014 9:40:59 GMT -5
Me= 40 -48 hours working plus 3 hours of commute each week
I do all big cleaning tasks, laundry, trash take out, I do all grocery shopping I cook or find food if dh is working late I do all pick up and drop off for daycare, kid activities and doctor visits I do all vehicle maint repair scheduling I do all kid care I do half the dog/ cat care
Daughter helps with laundry and dog/cat care
Dh works 40-80 hours a week plus 10 hours of commute
He cooks when he is home He does shovel an clean cars when we have snow/ice He mows the lawn in the summer.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2014 9:47:46 GMT -5
Most days I feel like I do everything and he does nothing (even though I know it's not true). I could take the time to figure it out, but it just feels like it'd be more work.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Feb 6, 2014 9:48:40 GMT -5
I forgot one thing. For the first 4 months of DD's life she would scream when she was in her carseat. We once drove to my ILs almost an hour away and she screamed the whole time. She was still screaming when we parked the car and the IL's faces were priceless. People just don't believe you when you say "she screams in the carseat ALL THE TIME". During that time I only did essential driving which was bringing DS to and from preschool. Even though I was "home all day" I was not doing the grocery shopping. My DH understood and one of us did it on the weekends without DD. What a saint!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2014 9:49:01 GMT -5
In my house, whoever is there and has the most energy does the things that they think needs to be done. Unless they really have a LOT of energy, then they are able to talk the other person into doing work.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Feb 6, 2014 9:52:39 GMT -5
Seeing how I am single and live alone, that would all fall to Me, Me and oh yeah, ME I hire out lawn care and sometimes snow removal. Yesterday I paid to be plowed out, but usually one of my neighbors will snow blow my driveway. Everything else is ME, and yes, it sucks...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2014 9:54:11 GMT -5
I got pretty lazy while I was pregnant because I was working until I gave birth so I was exhausted when I got home, so I would end up laying down right away and my husband stepped up. That meant I got used to not doing chores as much at night. Then, when I was on materinty leave, I was doing homework when DH got home so he had DD. I am working on it, but for now? My husband and I have the same work amount approximately and he does more at home. Let me get back to you in six months and we will see.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Feb 6, 2014 9:55:48 GMT -5
DH and I have a pretty even split of chores I think.
Our commutes are pretty much the same so that's a wash. We both work basically 40 hours a week. The Boy is 15 so there isn't a whole lot of "watching the kid" time- mostly it's driving the kid places.
Me: Load the dishwasher (because I'm obsessive about it and they do it wrong) Laundry- DH can't remember what goes it the dryer and what doesn't. I wash, dry and fold. Everyone puts away their own clothes. 50% of the cooking 50% of the regular cleaning (not bathrooms) during the day chores- running kid around, meeting service people at the house, etc. Paying bills, balancing checkbook
DH: Garbage - takes it out, takes cans to the street, brings cans back to the garage after garbage day Lawn/Yard- does most of the mowing. 50% of the cooking 100% of the bathrooms 50% of the regular cleaning. Taxes
The Boy (15) Unloads the dishwasher Helps with the dog the mowing his dad doesn't do helps with shoveling responsible for his bedroom and bathroom whatever else we ask him to do
Together: Groceries most errands any evening chores- running the kid places big projects
I have zero complaints with regards to DH's contributions to our household chores. He was very hands on when DS was little. We've fallen into a comfortable routine and I don't see us changing that much.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 6, 2014 9:56:48 GMT -5
Our house is always pretty clean - we're both kind of anal. Doing a sweep every night (putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher, wiping down counters and stove, picking up laundry) does a lot to keep the mess down. I'm sure that will change as DD becomes more mobile, but for now it works.
It doesn't necessarily have to change. We're the same way. The type of clean-as-you-go method you describe can be easily implemented even as DD gets bigger.
On a typical weeknight, I'll clean the kitchen (which is gated off) after everyone is done eating while DH plays with Babybird. Put dishes away and start dishwasher, put ingredients away, wipe counters, clean stovetop (optional), and sweep floor (optional). It takes between 10 and 20 minutes. It's easy, and our kitchen is usually pretty tidy.
Similar policy with the living room - after I put Babybird to bed (DH sometimes does this WHILE I'm putting her to bed), I pick up her toys and return them all to their proper places and get everything ready for the morning, including packing her daycare bag if necessary. Again, super easy and never takes more than twenty minutes. Laundry is also done pretty much every other day - that way I rarely have more than one load to do at once.
Our house has become so much cleaner and more relaxing since we started doing things this way. Procrastination is tempting sometimes but I rarely give in to it anymore now that I know how much it rocks to always have a clean house with really very little effort.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2014 9:59:00 GMT -5
This is easy.
Older son - takes care of the cat, washes his own clothes, makes his own bed and lunch and cleans up after himself.
Younger son - picks up a percentage of the mess he makes.
Me - Everything else.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Feb 6, 2014 10:00:29 GMT -5
I should note that that is our "regular" division of labor. DH does get laid off some winters for a couple of months. During those months he does more of the cooking because he'll make things like a pot roast or things that take longer. He does more cleaning because he has the free time and gets bored easily. He also tackles a couple of bigger projects during his down time.- painting the guest room, re-tiling the bathroom, etc.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 6, 2014 10:03:50 GMT -5
I don't think Babybird is too mobile yet. Wait until she is. The time spent cleaning up after her will increase significantly. It's crazy how fast they can scatter toys, games, clothes, etc. And it never ceases to amaze me how much stuff my kiddos (5.5 and 1.5) traipse from floor to floor - bedroom stuff to the basement, basement stuff to the kitchen etc.
Ahaha, have to disagree with you there. She's super mobile and very fast (she's a runner). I do understand how fast toddlers can mess up a perfectly clean space.
Ways we deal with that:
-Clean as we go as I described in my previous post (notice that the main toy pickup / living room straightening is done after she goes to sleep).
-Limit the number of toys available. She can't mess up stuff that's not there. We keep her favorite stuff around on a rotating basis, but we don't have tons and tons of toys that can be scattered all over the place. It's not necessary and it makes cleanup much simpler.
-Small living space. Our downstairs is like 400 square feet total. There's only so many toys you can scatter in such a small space (another reason we keep clutter to a minimum). This IS one thing that scares me a little about having a bigger house but toddlers can be made to stay in designated areas if they have enough stimulation in those areas. Baby gates!
-Teaching Babybird to pick up her own stuff. Obviously she's still pretty much a baby but we're training her early. If she scatters her blocks all over her room, we help her put them away before we move on to something else and make it clear (verbally) that we put things away after we are finished playing with them. She's learning.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 6, 2014 10:07:42 GMT -5
Well, DH works 20 hours a week.
Here's what we do:
I work 6 days a week, for about 60 hours. That's not including commute time. I also: -Take Care of Finances -Buy wardrobes for everyone except H. I also deal with weeding out the outgrown clothing -Buy all gifts, except for myself (including ILs) for Christmas and Birthdays. I also do cards for other occassions; and buy the gifts for the birthday parties my kids attend -Plan and execute my kids' birthday parties -Am Den Leader -Room mom if it fits that year (but I have a two year limit per child on that.) -Volunteer in the class room and for Lunch Duty -Help coordinate Box tops/Cambell's soup points -Volunteer at Church -Help do the tidies -Do all of the cleaning -I tend (very poorly) to my flower gardens -Sat and Sundays I drive the kids around and help with homework and projects. -Do the bed time routine with the kids 5 nights a week -The vacation planning (to include summer vacation activities for the kids and our family vacation) -The arranging of Child care -The target runs -I tend to the older two school aged kids during the summer to save on daycare costs, which includes driving them around..
DH does the following: 99% of the cooking, grocery shopping and laundry The driving to activities M-F The care of a non-school aged child for 20 hours a week. The outside work:lawn care and shoveling The over seeing of homework M-Th Does the costco runs Tidies the house Volunteers in Church Deals with home maintenance issues (furnace folks, plumbers, exterminators get scheduled on his day off)
We split fairly evenly: Dr appointments for the kids (including well child visits, the ortho, and the dentist) The drop off and pick up of our kids from school and daycare Night time parenting of our children The coordination/managing of our kids' social schedule: birthday parties, playdates, and sleep overs We deal with our own car maintenance
DH gets to do more of the big fun things with the kids: Taking them to baseball games, summer camp, etc. I do the more routine fun things: bowling, the zoo, lunches out, that sort of thing.
Honestly, I don't keep track of how much we each do. It doesn't matter because overall we are achieving our family goals. When I get pissy about the workload, it's because my emotional needs or basic physical needs aren't being met. That's my job to make sure I'm getting taken care of. I mean, if I need to take a nap and don't speak up, I can't get all pissed off at my H for that.
We also live in a house where we model gratitude and appreciation. My DS thanked me for working on his project with him. (I spent 4-5 hours alone doing working on the final copy with him). We thank our kids for doing chores, and Dh and I try to thank each other for cleaning, doing the laundry,etc.
We both know we are lucky. Even though DH functions as the SAHP, he doesn't have all the mom responsibilities. Even though I'm a working mother, I'm not saddled with the complete running of the house.
Some things have to fall on me: When we volunteer in school, bringing younger sibs is not allowed. Since DH is a contract worker, it doesn't make sense of for him to lose pay to go volunteer. When the littlest is school aged, I imagine some things will shift. But, at the same time, I don't mind if my H takes some time for himself, too. I think he's earned it. Changing 80% of the diapers for a decade really should be acknowledged. DH also gives me time away. I get two weekends a year.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 6, 2014 10:10:27 GMT -5
During that time I only did essential driving which was bringing DS to and from preschool. Even though I was "home all day" I was not doing the grocery shopping. My DH understood and one of us did it on the weekends without DD. What a saint!
I totally understand that. To me, that would be an example of a situation when the working parent helping with things like shopping would absolutely be warranted. If it's a major hardship to do a certain thing that would normally be part of the SAHP's job, then of course the working parent can and should step in (again, just as s/he would if both parents were working and they were splitting all the stuff).
I'm certainly not arguing that a SAHP should do everything home-related at all times forever and ever amen and the working parent should never lift a finger whenever s/he is not working. Just that to me, SAHPs doing home-related stuff should be more the norm than the exception. YMMV.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Feb 6, 2014 10:14:16 GMT -5
Well my point of my posts were to cut your spouse a little slack if you do end up with your DH being a SAHP because the situation is so different than having two people working and the kid in daycare. Reality is always different than expectations.
I have no idea how much time my DH spends on stuff. I don't really care. He works hard at it. I don't need to add up the hours to know that. He cleans, he does laundry, he doesn't cook, but he does get the kids fed - either leftovers or frozen food or sandwiches. I help him out on the weekends around the house. One thing he does do is that he does all of our regular vehicle maintenance himself. It isn't a regular thing and it saves us money, but it is time consuming. It is also something he can only do with DS around. DD has to be sleeping. Keeping one kid out of things he shouldn't be in is a lot simpler than trying to do it with 2 kids. A couple observations in our house, one kid will play nicely be his or herself while you get something done. The 2 together will fight - right now it usually ends up with the older one pushing down the younger one and the younger one cries after that and then the older one cries when we talk to him about it (or sometimes yell, and sometimes he gets a spanking - depending on how often it has happened that day, but regardless of the course of action his response is always the same to any sort of correction or discipline).
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Feb 6, 2014 10:14:42 GMT -5
Honestly, I don't keep track of how much we each do. It doesn't matter because overall we are achieving our family goals. When I get pissy about the workload, it's because my emotional needs or basic physical needs aren't being met. Thank you, that's exactly how I feel. Occasionally I just get crabby for lack of a better word and it's because I need some alone time. Even just 15 mins in the office by myself is enough, it has nothing to do with the workload, I just need to recharge.
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Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
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Post by Firebird on Feb 6, 2014 10:17:00 GMT -5
Honestly, I don't keep track of how much we each do. It doesn't matter because overall we are achieving our family goals. When I get pissy about the workload, it's because my emotional needs or basic physical needs aren't being met. That's my job to make sure I'm getting taken care of. I mean, if I need to take a nap and don't speak up, I can't get all pissed off at my H for that.
I think this is very insightful. Your household sounds a lot like mine. Being nice to each other and modeling gratitude (as you put it) goes an awfully long way.
Last weekend, DH got up with Babybird (normally I do that) so I could sleep in because he knew I was exhausted from a particularly long week at work. Gestures like that mean everything. I think if both partners are consistently putting the other one first (while making sure their own needs are met) a lot of this "who does what" stuff is kind of irrelevant.
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Pants
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Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
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Post by Pants on Feb 6, 2014 10:18:12 GMT -5
Right now, at this exact moment in time, I feel like we have a good split. I haven't analyzed though, so let's see
DH work: 40 hours DH Commute: 10-15 (train, so he also has downtime during this time) DH breakfast: 2 hours DH (him only) childcare: 3 hours DH grocery shopping (Usually 100%, he takes B): 1-2 hours DH other chores during week: 1 hour DH exterior maintenance: 1 hour (more recently because of huge snows) DH ironing: 1 hour Total: 53-58 hours/week
Me work: 45 hours Me Commute: 2.5 hours Me Kid drop-off: 2.5 hours Me (me only) childcare: 5 hours Me other chores during week: 2 hours Me finances: 1/2 hour Total: 57.5 hours/week
We do a major cook once a week, usually on the weekend. All chores are also done on the weekend. We will split those chores, or one of us will hang with B while the other does a not-baby-friendly chore. Looks like we are pretty equal right now. No wonder I'm feeling pretty good about life.
Also, Firebird, you guys spend 4 hours a week grocery shopping? WTF?
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Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
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Post by Firebird on Feb 6, 2014 10:21:36 GMT -5
Well my point of my posts were to cut your spouse a little slack if you do end up with your DH being a SAHP because the situation is so different than having two people working and the kid in daycare. Reality is always different than expectations.
I really do get this. I promise And obviously there are circumstances (like yogiii's carseat example) where it would be completely UNreasonable for the working parent to expect the SAHP to stick with their "agreed upon" job duties when s/he could just as easily take over the part of the job that was causing undue hardship. I think that goes back to being a good and responsive partner. Frankly, I think we've got a good arrangement now and I really see no reason for one of us to ever stay home so this is all academic for me. But believe me, the point about cutting slack / not expecting reality to be exactly like the plan is not only taken but something I was aware of well before I had children. My plans practically never work out how I think they will
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