Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jan 26, 2014 11:19:39 GMT -5
OP, I don't think I saw anyone else touch on this, but you mentioned how stressful it is for you and that you come home in tears nearly every day. I'm sure it's no surprise to you that it isn't healthy. You're exhausted, under-appreciated, taken advantage of, and not able to spend time with your family like you want. You're burned out. For that reason alone, I'd give the woman very little notice if any. What is the result you want? If you want to leave, simply tell her it isn't working out and you want to focus on your family. I wouldn't mention how you deserve more pay or feel taken advantage of (even though it's true), because it will suddenly become en emotional conversation, and it will open the door for her to negotiate. Once you've made your decision, BE FIRM. Do not let her whine or negotiate or beg you to stay for just "a day/week/until I find someone". This is a business transaction and it is ending. Period. Though I might wish her luck she finds someone else who is willing to work such long hours for so little pay. I find that life is far, far easy if you simply state what you are going to do in a firm way and do NOT explain. First of all, you don't owe anyone an explanation. And, explanations result in the other person telling you WHY your explanation isn't valid or a 'yeah but' type comments. It serves no purpose. The real issue is that you are or are not going to continue babysit and for however long you choose or not too. You inform her of that and that's that. Whether that woman is happy, unhappy, cries, begs or is pissed doesn't matter.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 14:32:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2014 11:48:28 GMT -5
You definitely owe her notice if only for the baby's sake. I'd say one month is plenty. But you also need to think about what you are going to do when the month is up, and she hasn't replaced you. She is going to find that very difficult given what she is paying you and the hours she is demanding. She doesn't "owe " her a blessed thing. If mom shows up stoned and constantly late, um no. However ,if she wishes to watch the baby for a period of time, that is up to her. Yes, she does "owe" her notice. Two (or three) wrongs don't make a right. The OP agreed to do this, and the mother is depending on her doing it tomorrow. The mother deserves at least a few days notice to make other arrangements if the OP has decided not to continue. Nor do I agree with changing the price, overtime charge, etc. without notice. If the OP wants to continue this at a higher rate, it should also be effective with a few day's notice. Next Saturday is the beginning of a new month. A price and terms change effective Feb. 1 would give the mother the option to make other arrangements. As I said, this is as much for the baby's sake as anything else. I'm not necessarily a "nice" person, but I do believe in being a "fair" one.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jan 26, 2014 12:26:00 GMT -5
I disagree. It has nothing to do with "nice" whatsoever. She doesn't owe STONED mom a thing.
|
|
wmpeon
Established Member
Joined: Mar 15, 2011 21:08:24 GMT -5
Posts: 344
|
Post by wmpeon on Jan 26, 2014 12:27:16 GMT -5
Yes, she does "owe" her notice. Two (or three) wrongs don't make a right. The OP agreed to do this, and the mother is depending on her doing it tomorrow. The mother deserves at least a few days notice to make other arrangements if the OP has decided not to continue. Normally I would agree with you, however this isn't simply the OP not liking the terms of her employment. She is having a very physical reaction to the unhappy situation, and I feel the OP should make the best decision for herself and her own well-being, even if that means quitting immediately. Her mental health matters and she needs to put herself and her own family first. So while I normally believe giving notice is the proper thing to do, sometimes life doesn't work that way. Job burnout is a brutal thing.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 14:32:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2014 13:12:17 GMT -5
I agree with susana. She does owe a reasonable notice. She hasn't said a word to the mom until now so there is no reason to even think the mom has a clue that she is unhappy.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 14:32:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2014 13:29:05 GMT -5
I agree with susana. She does owe a reasonable notice. She hasn't said a word to the mom until now so there is no reason to even think the mom has a clue that she is unhappy. It would be different if she'd been voicing her displeasure. You can argue that the mom knows she's using the OP, but some people really are clueless when it comes to realizing how their actions affect other people.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 26, 2014 13:29:39 GMT -5
I agree with giving a month's notice. That is a perfectly fair amount of time to give someone for care arrangements, since they can be difficult to find. As a nice person, OP is likely to end up feeling guilty. I think a month should allow her to feel guilt free, so its as much for her sake as the stoners.
I agree with shooby that no explanation is necessary, or at least the shorter, the better.
I would suggest looking for a babysitting gig for one of the op' ds's classmates for an alternative income opportunity.
It had occurred to me to mention to Ms Stoner that she might give the baby up for adoption. Obviously, that's the nuclear option, but what kind of idiot gets her baby stoned? I'm beyond disgusted. Who knows what kind of long-term effect that could have?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 14:32:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2014 13:32:37 GMT -5
"what kind of idiot gets her baby stoned"
Wait! What? I thought the mom got stoned, not got her baby stoned?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 14:32:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2014 13:40:02 GMT -5
Thank you guys! I needed a kick in the ass and have to man up I guess. I had hoped she would stop with the pot now that she has a kid but no. I am not good friends with her and we don't hang out on a regular basis FYI, I only see her when she picks up and drops off. It has not worked out as a friendship. I don't look down on pot smoking but when you smoke in the house with a baby even if it's not in the same room that is wrong as hell. I have gotten a call where she though the baby was acting strange and wanted me to come check on him. When I got there I found out she had smoked in the house with the baby and he was all mellow Really Ugh, I don't like being in this situation! Not sure I'd say she was getting her baby stoned, but still she doesn't sound super responsible. Honestly, I would rather leave a baby with a stoner than a drinker.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 26, 2014 13:47:54 GMT -5
"what kind of idiot gets her baby stoned" Wait! What? I thought the mom got stoned, not got her baby stoned? That's what I got from post #16.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jan 26, 2014 14:45:35 GMT -5
If you're going to call the cops next time she turns up stoned absolutely don't do it after she picks her kid up and leaves. You're responsible for the infant while it's in your care. If you hand the kid over to somebody that you know is stoned and going to be driving away you'd have some responsibility as well. You'd need to refuse to put the baby in her care and call the cops while she was still at your house. The local prosecutor might leave you out of it either way, but I wouldn't risk it.
Same way they started going after bartenders who kept serving drinks to people that were obviously drunk off their asses and that they knew were driving home. You didn't supply the intoxicant, but you knew she was intoxicated when you turned over the care of an infant to her, and you knew she was driving home immediately after leaving your place. You'd be partly responsible for anything that happened.
The last thing you need in this situation is child endangerment charges brought against you because the kids mom is a fucking idiot.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 14:32:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2014 16:57:29 GMT -5
I agree with both SS and Shooby.
You DO owe her notice (per SS), but you DON'T owe her an explanation (per Shooby). Again, I'd give her two weeks. If you give her any more than that, she won't feel any sense of "urgency" about having to make new arrangements.
This is what I tried to say in my previous post. There is NO explanation on this earth that will not make the mom resentful. Like it or not, once you part ways, you will always be "the beech". Live with it! Or, don't, and continue to cry every day, for your husband and kids.
At this point, the choice is entirely up to you.
Yes, it'll be hard to get out of it, but the pain is a LOT shorter than carrying on. So, don't bother even giving the mom an explanation, it won't help. Whatever you say, she'll have an answer. You don't want an answer, you just want out. If you need to give an explanation, keep it vague: "This is not working for my family". Or, again, paint your DH as the "bad guy". DH and I have no problem with playing "good cop / bad cop", to us it's just shortcut for dealing with people we don't care about.
This is indeed an example of how "no good deed goes unpunished". But, YOU let HER push it too far.
Now YOU need to get YOUR life back!
I'm not sure if you read my previous post ... I struggled with two issues that kept me up for WEEKS. At the end of the day, I did what was right for ME and MY FAMILY. And the great surprise was ... the two other parties were just FINE. It was even as if they had been expecting it!
That certainly taught me a lesson!
ETA: You seem, um, nice, so I'd try telling her your husband is against your keeping a child FT, because "this is not working out for your family." So now you are looking for a new job out of the house for Sept, and you can only keep kids occasionally, for $15ph, reserved in advance, and paid up front.
Be sure to wish her good luck, because she will need it, trying to find a similar deal.
Again, remember, that is HER PROBLEM, and NOT YOURS (nor your DH's, nor your kids'). I PROMISE YOU, the INSTANT you tell her that, you will feel SO MUCH BETTER! ;-)
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jan 26, 2014 17:58:42 GMT -5
She doesn't owe her anything. But i might watch the baby another week or two but only for the baby's sake not hers.
|
|
MarleyKeezy78
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 22, 2011 13:20:34 GMT -5
Posts: 3,226
Location: Sittin in the mitten
|
Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Jan 26, 2014 20:19:26 GMT -5
I will continue to watch the baby as I promised. I think having a talk with her about things is really what I need to do for now. The money is needed for now. I will not be doing this next year. As for her getting the baby high, I don't know how it affects a baby when you smoke in the house with one. The baby was very mellow, but high I don't know. I don't have the balls to call the cops or cps as the baby is happy and healthy. I drink some wine in the evening while my kid plays, should someone call cps on me? Although I am not driving anywhere. I am in no way defending the pot use because she is not being responsible about it in my eyes. Smoking in the house with a baby is a huge no no to me! I will get this dealt with. You guys are awesome with all the input!
|
|
MarleyKeezy78
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 22, 2011 13:20:34 GMT -5
Posts: 3,226
Location: Sittin in the mitten
|
Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Jan 26, 2014 20:22:23 GMT -5
If things don't improve then I will be forced to deal with things in a more unpleasant manner. I do need to make sure my family comes first!
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,720
|
Post by midjd on Jan 26, 2014 20:52:46 GMT -5
Just to chime in (although it looks like MK has it covered) - I do think some notice is necessary. It varies by area, I'm sure, but I paid deposits and signed up on wait lists for 4 different daycare centers less than a month after I found out I was pregnant - DD is 9 weeks old and I am still wait listed at 3 centers, and the only reason I got into the 4th is because a friend who works there pulled some strings. Trying to line up daycare on less than 2 weeks' notice would be damn near impossible.
ETA - unless she was blowing smoke directly in the baby's face, I doubt she got him high. I've been around a lot of pot smokers and have yet to get a contact buzz.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jan 26, 2014 20:55:32 GMT -5
Then the lady needs to be a lot more appreciative than she has been. She thinks she has OP by the short hairs. OP needs to set the record straight.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 26, 2014 20:57:18 GMT -5
Good luck to you, Mitty.
Just a thought, is the baby using gas drops? Both of my boys needed them in every bottle...and I used gentle formula when I was done BF.
|
|
ZaireinHD
Senior Associate
Joined: Mar 4, 2011 22:14:27 GMT -5
Posts: 12,407
|
Post by ZaireinHD on Jan 26, 2014 21:50:28 GMT -5
OP, I don't think I saw anyone else touch on this, but you mentioned how stressful it is for you and that you come home in tears nearly every day. I'm sure it's no surprise to you that it isn't healthy. You're exhausted, under-appreciated, taken advantage of, and not able to spend time with your family like you want. You're burned out. For that reason alone, I'd give the woman very little notice if any. What is the result you want? If you want to leave, simply tell her it isn't working out and you want to focus on your family. I wouldn't mention how you deserve more pay or feel taken advantage of (even though it's true), because it will suddenly become en emotional conversation, and it will open the door for her to negotiate. Once you've made your decision, BE FIRM. Do not let her whine or negotiate or beg you to stay for just "a day/week/until I find someone". This is a business transaction and it is ending. Period. Though I might wish her luck she finds someone else who is willing to work such long hours for so little pay. yes - this is something I would be able to do. especially since the friendship is gone and the connection that started the friendship is over as well. Thanks wmpeon!
|
|
ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jan 26, 2014 22:01:55 GMT -5
You you have a business arrangement with a babysitter or child-care provider, Z ?
I didn't think so.
|
|
MarleyKeezy78
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 22, 2011 13:20:34 GMT -5
Posts: 3,226
Location: Sittin in the mitten
|
Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Jan 26, 2014 22:11:38 GMT -5
Good luck to you, Mitty. Just a thought, is the baby using gas drops? Both of my boys needed them in every bottle...and I used gentle formula when I was done BF. the baby does have those but I think it is more than that, I have told her repeatedly that I think the babes could have a milk allergy and she needs to try something else. She only switches from the gentle to whatever else in the milk family because she doesn't want to try soy or another more expensive type of formula She must ask the Dr about everything but doesn't ever call or go in to find out what she should do. She even tried to push off using the same stuff that made the baby a spew machine all day on a relative to use it up I don't want to be a sanctamommy but god damn!!! And thank you, I need the strength to get through what I promised. Like I said, if it gets worse I will let her deal with the fall out of her actions.
|
|
Sunnyday
Well-Known Member
Joined: Aug 3, 2013 0:36:39 GMT -5
Posts: 1,425
|
Post by Sunnyday on Jan 26, 2014 23:06:54 GMT -5
it seems like that you have it under control with the great advice that you got but your complete inability to speak up for yourself and this child for whom that I hope you care for is irritating.
You witness this woman be high around her kid? and you don't have the balls to say anything?! The baby can't say anything. The mother isn't going to turn herself in.
Silence gives consent.
Honestly, your inability to act as this child's advocate is a complete failure right there. I would never be able to trust someone who was unable to speak up for a defenseless child.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Jan 26, 2014 23:16:31 GMT -5
If you're not going to give her notice, I would at least renegotiate your rate. Tell her that at the time she didn't make it clear that she would be using you as much as she actually is and as such the rate is now $x per month or the $400 is only for X hours and any hours after that will be charged at $x/hr rate, to be charged up to the half hour. Or something.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Jan 26, 2014 23:18:18 GMT -5
I will continue to watch the baby as I promised. I think having a talk with her about things is really what I need to do for now. The money is needed for now. I will not be doing this next year. As for her getting the baby high, I don't know how it affects a baby when you smoke in the house with one. The baby was very mellow, but high I don't know. I don't have the balls to call the cops or cps as the baby is happy and healthy. I drink some wine in the evening while my kid plays, should someone call cps on me? Although I am not driving anywhere. I am in no way defending the pot use because she is not being responsible about it in my eyes. Smoking in the house with a baby is a huge no no to me! I will get this dealt with. You guys are awesome with all the input! See, crap like that just REALLY pisses me off. No offense, but it's not about your balls at all. If you knowingly let a person who is high drive around with a child, you are being just as guilty as she is. The only difference is, you seem to know better, just not willing to do anything about it. As far as smoking in the house with a child - I've never smoked pot myself, but got pretty dizzy when my roommate was puffing for hours. And I was a grown adult, not an infant.
|
|
MarleyKeezy78
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 22, 2011 13:20:34 GMT -5
Posts: 3,226
Location: Sittin in the mitten
|
Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Jan 27, 2014 1:19:19 GMT -5
I'm gonna get me some St. John's Wart stat! You guys are making me even more stressed! I feel like I'm drowning at the thought of ruining someones life and so many what if's... But I have to do what's right for the baby. I am never babysitting for someone again!!! Dealing with this stupid bullshit just isn't worth the fucking stress! I am a neighbor who is helping out and not a daycare who has the answers Pick up a job they say... Make extra money they say... Damnit. I have a whole lot more to say on this but might get banned and it's not about anything said here. My view on some mothers is very jaded at the moment. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jan 27, 2014 1:54:05 GMT -5
Mk - our advice is just our advice. Dont let it stress you out. If I was You I would simply tell this woman that I am done babysitting as of NOW. You owe her nothing. And as for notice, tough crackers, you aren't a daycare center with a contract. She's an idiot. End this and get back to your own life. Figuring out her life for her is not your job.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Jan 27, 2014 8:57:57 GMT -5
I'm gonna get me some St. John's Wart stat! You guys are making me even more stressed! I feel like I'm drowning at the thought of ruining someones life and so many what if's... But I have to do what's right for the baby. I am never babysitting for someone again!!! Dealing with this stupid bullshit just isn't worth the fucking stress! I am a neighbor who is helping out and not a daycare who has the answers Pick up a job they say... Make extra money they say... Damnit. I have a whole lot more to say on this but might get banned and it's not about anything said here. My view on some mothers is very jaded at the moment. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me I am truly sorry you are going through this crap. I know that some people have hard time with any kind of confrontation and it might be hard for you to call the cops and put your foot down and not allow this woman to walk all over you or do stupid crap around the baby. Would it be more helpful for you to write her a letter? I know that has helped some people to say what needed to be said without actually saying it. Also, have you looked at care.com and sittercity? If you really need the money, you might be able to make that $400/months MUCH quicker babysitting for someone else doing it in less time. Around here people get $8-$10/hr - so you might be able to do that a few days and/nights a week instead of all day.every day. In any case, if you are THIS stressed out - think about walking away. I KNOW what it's like to need the money, but money is money and your health is your health Good luck!
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jan 27, 2014 9:03:46 GMT -5
Well, this doesn't have to be a confrontation. Life gets much easier when you simply decide you are going to do exactly what you want to do and you don't have to explain, get permission or justify yourself to others. If you are done babysitting, you simply tell her you are done babysitting. There is no need for anything beyond that and no need for a fight, confrontation or any of that. You simply state what you are going to do and you do it.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jan 27, 2014 9:15:43 GMT -5
Lena has a great idea. Get babysitting jobs off websites. They pay more. I know DFs aunt uses one when she doesn't put her husband in adult daycare. She pays $12-15 an hour. Worth every penny. i know you need the money and I know confrontation is hard. Been there myself. I can stick up for others but not for myself but you need to care for yourself as well. After many years, self preservation is my mantra for life. Nothing or no one is more important than me.
|
|
MarleyKeezy78
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 22, 2011 13:20:34 GMT -5
Posts: 3,226
Location: Sittin in the mitten
|
Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Jan 27, 2014 9:31:08 GMT -5
Thank you again everyone! I'm glad I can count on you all for support and swift kicks to The ass when needed!
|
|