Sheriffs Come A Calling

[les63]

DH and I got into an argument tonight. My 16 year old son heard it and texted DH's cousin. Cousin called 911.

When I bring up stuff from the past and what's going on now, DH's main response is "I love you with all my heart". And he just can't accept I don't have those feelings anymore.

Anyway, when we argue and if he gets really upset he grabs my upper arms to keep me from walking away/pacing around. I hate that and he does it all the time. Tonight, he raised his fist at me and at the time looked like some demented psycho. Shudder.

Now at least there is a report out there about some of the crap here. Oh, the deputies were on my side. Pretty much told to get out. Uh no, he is going to go not me.

[taz157]

(((((Hugs))))) Les and be safe.  

[Jaguar]

Oh my geez, Les are you alright hon ? Is DH out of the house ? Did the sheriffs take DH ?

[mmhmm]

Les, I'm sorry, luv.  I'm just so sorry.  There's little that can really be said when someone just "goes bad" mentally.  You can't fix it.  Sometimes, you can't even make it any better.  All you can do is mourn the loss and go on with YOUR life and your children's lives.

[busymom]

Les, put your safety, & the safety of your kids first. I know your DS is trying to keep you safe too.

I'm hoping now "the system" will keep your husband out of the house. We don't want anything happening to your family!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Stay safe, Les. Having been thru similar circumstances (which I won't relate on the open board), I might be able to give you some suggestions. But only if you want them - and only through PM's.

Just take care of you and your kids first and foremost - and staying safe.

[Deleted]

I know he should go. But no house, no stuff, is worth your lives. If you have to leave, maybe if you can leave... Leave. 

There are resources out there. The most dangerous time for women is when they are finally going to leave. 

Be safe! 

[les63]

DH is still here. One of the deputies basically threated him. Do this again and we will arrest you. I think the deputy was torn. It wasn't your "normal" domestic disturbance. I basically explained to him what has been happening as the other deputy took DH into another room.

The deputy basically told me that I didn't have to walk on egg shells in my own home. That I had a right to speak up in other words.

I have been sleeping downstairs since we have lived in this rental. There is a door to the room that I can put something against it if someone opens it up while I'm sleeping. Same with the door to the garage. Also told my son to do some stuff for his room. DH is pretty laid back most of the time but just don't know in these times with me threatening divorce, etc. Not to say he is normal right now, because he's not. I am walking on eggshells and sometimes I just let it all out. He doesn't want to hear that.  

I hope I'm explaining this for you guys. It was an argument that went out of control. DH's voice goes up and so does mine. I walk away and he follows. Grabs at me, I tell him not to touch me, he doesn't listen. My son downstairs can hear all this. DH raises his fist up.

I'm sorry if this is rambling....

[Jaguar]

It's not alright Les, get the kids and get out now.

[Deleted]

I'm just not sure how you can successfully force him to leave? 

[Sam_2.0]

You can force him to leave if you can get a restraining order against him. This is a rental, right? So he doesn't own the home and has no real claim to it other than the lease?

You are safe now and things are calm. This is not the time to ignore the problem - this is the time to make your plans and make your exit while you can. Get the kid and your important papers and get out. Since you don't own the home you aren't really screwing yourself out of any property by abandoning it. Sorry if that seems to be over-reacting, I just come from a family where several extended family members have faced the same thing, and one almost didn't make it out in time. It nearly cost her her life & the life of her child (husband threw her down the stairs when she was 9mos pregnant).

[Jaguar]

Can his family come and get him, like right now ?

[les63]

Oped, I figured if I filed for divorce and he went ballistic I do have this report now. The deputy was basically on my side. I could file a no contact order, etc. He does have the lockup for 2 weeks back in May. I do think I would have law enforcement on my side.

For the most part DH is not a violent man. When I get emotional a lot spills out. HE does not like it what so ever. I guess he doesn't want to hear that. A lot of emotional baggage on my end. I just haven't had any closure with him. It has been an up and down roller coaster with him for almost two years. I'm just about to my breaking point.

I'm going to hit to hay. Thank you all for your support. It is just so much harder with Noah to break away. I know deep down I have it in me to do it but I guess I haven't reached that point yet.
Flame away.....

I appreciate all the comments but please do walk in my shoes. I guess I'm a coward sometimes. Too dependent for too long.  Fifty years old going on five.

[Sam_2.0]

(((hugs))) les. I don't think anyone here is trying to be harsh with you. We just want you to be safe. I hope you are able to get some good rest tonight. Sleep always helps make things clearer.

[Jaguar]

No not harsh, we just care too damn much.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Don't jump the gun and just "get out now". It's not that easy (BTDT) - but what you can do (with help from trusted family, friends & resources) is organize a quick escape plan for you and Noah - should it come to that - but you should have people you can call to get that plan of action in place and both of you out of there safely ASAP and to a safe (anonymous) place to go if things escalate. The shouting/verbal abuse is bad enough - but when it moves on to grabbing you or not letting you walk away, it's time to take it more seriously.

[taz157]

Jan 2, 2014 23:27:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

(((hugs))) les. I don't think anyone here is trying to be harsh with you. We just want you to be safe. I hope you are able to get some good rest tonight. Sleep always helps make things clearer.

[Jaguar]

Jan 2, 2014 23:31:25 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Don't jump the gun and just "get out now". It's not that easy (BTDT) - but what you can do (with help from trusted family, friends & resources) is organize a quick escape plan for you and Noah - should it come to that - but you should have people you can call to get that plan of action in place and both of you out of there safely ASAP and to a safe (anonymous) place to go if things escalate. The shouting/verbal abuse is bad enough - but when it moves on to grabbing you or not letting you walk away, it's time to take it more seriously.

She has another son too named Nathaniel he's the one who called the cousin.

[Green Eyed Lady]

Les...I don't mean to be harsh either, but this situation is all too familiar to me.  He is escalating.  He starts with yelling, graduates to grabbing you and has now presented a fist to you.  I don't have to tell you what comes next.  If that scares you, good.  It should scare you.  It should scare you for you and it should scare you for your kids.  They don't need to hear the yelling, see the grabbing and the violence.  That goes for you, too.  Stop your screaming in your home where your kids are.  Do you want them to think that's the "normal"?  You know it isn't.

As far as "threatening" to divorce him, either do it or stop threatening it.  If you've decided that is what you want, then do it.  Tell him to leave and if he will not, then you have to go.  If you have to get a restraining order, then get one.  I'll tell you now, I don't have much faith in them because I've never seen them do much good, but it may be different in your case.

You aren't being a child.  You are going through something you never thought you would go through.  It's not an easy thing to divest yourself of a life you've been living for....forever.  It's not easy, but it's better than losing your life altogether.  Make some decisions and follow through with them.  You aren't the only person being hurt by this.  Empathy and concern from people is a wonderful thing, but you have some hard facts to face, too.  This isn't going to go away with a good night's sleep.

[mmhmm]

I'm going to say something, les, that's not going to be easy for you to hear, I'm afraid.  This time, he raised his fist to you.  Your older boy called for help.  What's to stop him from taking the older boy out of the equation first ... the next time?  The situation you're in right now is untenable.  It can't go on.  Your children deserve better and so do you.  Nobody's saying it's going to be easy, les.  It's not.  However, it's going to be a lot easier than trying to pick up the pieces if he goes ballistic on your boys.

[Jaguar]

Jan 3, 2014 0:00:06 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

I'm going to say something, les, that's not going to be easy for you to hear, I'm afraid.  This time, he raised his fist to you.  Your older boy called for help.  What's to stop him from taking the older boy out of the equation first ... the next time?  The situation you're in right now is untenable.  It can't go on.  Your children deserve better and so do you.  Nobody's saying it's going to be easy, les.  It's not.  However, it's going to be a lot easier than trying to pick up the pieces if he goes ballistic on your boys.

That's what I'm really afraid of.

[Deleted]

I don't want to be harsh. But sometimes reality is harsh. 3+ women die from domestic violence every day in this country, and 75% of them are killed during the process of leaving. I can bet most of them didn't think before hand there was a chance of it happening. 

He is unstable. He can't understand that you don't love him. He is escalating, fast. 

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just concerned for your safety and the kids safety. 

I think you need a plan, and I think you need to move on the plan sooner rather than later. 

I know. I'm just an internet voice. I don't know you, or your exact situation. But I know the stats, and I would not want to see you among them  

[NastyWoman]

Les, I can't give you any advice because I have never faced problems like this. But there is more than just the risk of physical violence at play here.

A little while ago you posted a video of your son at the talent show here. Please look at it again, especially at the last 10 seconds of the tape! DSs smile, his pride and his happiness at a great performance. You to not want to take smile away and believe me, if he is constantly in such a hostile/ violent environment that smile will die. Please get yourself and your kids to a safe place where happiness is possible.

[swamp]

Do you want your younger son to think this is a "normal" relationship?  

[constanz22]

les, I am sure that the Sherriff's gave you contact information for the DV shelter and resources.  But, if not, it was formerly the SOS shelter, but just changed it's name to RISE.  You can be in contact with an advocate there to help you go through this.  You don't have to be at the point of needing to go to the shelter in order for them to work with you.  Please contact them.  They are a great resource.  Their # is 754-4340.

[Nazgul Girl]

So Les, what is your plan ?    I think that you need to work on your Social Security apps asap so that you can have some income coming in.   I also think that, as tired and discouraged as you are, you need to change things up so you and your sons don't get harmed by your husband.   Your statements about him not being that bad are just excuses for his behavior.   Please get your head out of the sand, get some counseling, develop an escape plan, work on getting the disability applications done, and recognize that this situation with your husband  is NOT, no way, going to improve.

Sympathy is nice, but it's not going to help change your life.   Good luck and please develop a plan.   If you need help, call the women's or domestic abuse hotline, and they can help you develop your priorities.  

[constanz22]

Les-I don't want to be harsh, but, I am a social worker in the county you live in, and you need to understand that CPS can, and will, take you kids if there is DV in the home and you don't leave or make him leave.  I am actually surprised that the Sherriff's didn't call CPS last night, but, they probably will still make a report.  I know that is more stress for you, but please understand the seriousness of this.  Noah is disabled and can't "protect" himself.  This is even more grounds for CPS to step in.  Please get your resources lined up and get a plan, before those choices aren't yours to make anymore...

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jan 2, 2014 23:27:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

(((hugs))) les. I don't think anyone here is trying to be harsh with you. We just want you to be safe. I hope you are able to get some good rest tonight. Sleep always helps make things clearer.

  We care and so we worry about you and your boys. 

[bookkeeper]

It is time to pack a suitcase for each one of you and have it in the trunk of your car.  You should also assemble as much cash as you would need to get through a month.  You need to be able to walk out the door when you feel the time has come.  You should also get some counseling to help you determine what to do next and help build the personal tools to move forward.

Domestic violence is not to be underestimated.  Who will care for your children if you are gone? 

[zibazinski]

So can a lawyer just pick up the phone and call CPS. Anyone can and they will, even the school can. You don't want your children removed because you feel "sympathy" for your husband.