swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jan 5, 2014 8:55:43 GMT -5
Sooooo, I'm going to go to some domestic shelter with Noah. Okaaaay. Even my parents, who would take me in a heartbeat, don't have the setup for Noah. They visit us now because their house just isn't setup to accommodate Noah. You stay. Husband leaves.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 15,010
|
Post by raeoflyte on Jan 5, 2014 8:59:14 GMT -5
Please remember that if posters are being harsh its because they want you and your kids to be safe, not because they want to be mean. You know your situation best, but often its an outsiders perspective that can see past the details to the truth. Random internet people probably aren't that perspective, but you need to find real life help. A few months ago you said your dh roamed the house all night long, and now he's becoming violent. If your best friend was in this situation would you tell her to suck it up for another 6 months and just hope he doesn't escalate?
Mpl-I'm so sorry for everything youve had to go through. Hoping 2014 puts all of that behind you and brings you and your boys peace and happiness.
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
|
|
JustLurkin
Well-Known Member
This is what you look like right now.
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 5:28:20 GMT -5
Posts: 1,109
|
Post by JustLurkin on Jan 5, 2014 10:45:47 GMT -5
Slowing going off the risperidone. Provide his doctor the police report and explain what happened; the medication adjustment is not working and will have to be adjusted again. Also, is he on Bentzropine, that should help counteract the "zombie-like" side-effects of Risperidone.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,140
|
Post by giramomma on Jan 5, 2014 10:55:39 GMT -5
Can your child communicate? Are they potty trained? Can you take them anywhere but home or school? Are they almost as strong as you? My son is too my shoulders. He is nine. Over a hundred pounds. You have any idea what an autistic child is like when they are in a total meltdown? Yeah. And he is just nine now. I get that this is difficult. But, are you realistically going to be your child's caregiver? What happens when you cannot physically handle him anymore? I know you said you are looking for a job. Are you a teacher? To me, that seems to be the only job, then that you can have. I'm just really surprised that there's no one else anywhere that can help with your autistic son..Maybe it's cuz you live in a small town? And, as for living in a house with a mentally ill parent. I've BTDT. Sure, on the outside it looked like I had no issues. I graduated in the top of my HS class, went to a good college, have my masters, kids, the ability to hold down a job, etc... Shit, people used to ask about my caring parents after spending 15 minutes with them once. We still have our dirty secrets though: Black and blue marks from self injuring can be covered up...The only person that knows that I saw one of my parents likely have a breakdown (and had to clean up afterwords) is my DH. (Well, now you all, too.) And, my DH, yeah, he was an addict when I married him. Except I didn't know it. Our systems were very close to what I had growing up, and I was happy with that. Here's the thing I'm most pissed off about: that the enabling parent NEVER protected me from the mentally ill parent. I understand why, but that's the thing that hurts the most. And, frankly, I'd rather live in a crappy apartment with one parent poor as hell if that meant that I didn't have to go to freaking therapy from my mid 20's-mid 30's. I'd rather live piss poor as a child than constantly wonder, as an almost 40 year old person, if my reality was reality or if I made all the bad stuff up. It took 4 generations (my kids) to get healthy. Four. Trust me, I'd rather my family passed down an antique dresser or something rather than dysfunction.
|
|
Value Buy
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 17:57:07 GMT -5
Posts: 18,680
Today's Mood: Getting better by the day!
Location: In the middle of enjoying retirement!
Favorite Drink: Zombie Dust from Three Floyd's brewery
Mini-Profile Name Color: e61975
Mini-Profile Text Color: 196ce6
|
Post by Value Buy on Jan 5, 2014 11:02:54 GMT -5
I appreciate all the replies to this thread. Please don't take this the wrong way but some of the replies were harsh. When the deputies were called that night we were having severe weather. My Durango was buried. It just wasn't worth the risk to run away. To the posters that said tone it down about threatening divorce. You are right. Lesson learned. From now on I am going to bite my tongue and just go with the flow. He is starting new meds. Antidepressant and something else. Slowing going off the risperidone. And to the posters that don't have a severe special needs child...alrighty. When the shit hits the wall DH is out of our rental house. This IS Noah's home. You have no idea what he is like and how he is. THIS is a big deal with children like him. He is not a typical kid. ROUTINE, ROUTINE is all he knows. I will NOT leave this house. I have on record DH being locked up for two weeks and now the deputies coming around. I will tippy toe around him and pretty much wait until June 24 (our ten year anniversary) to see if he is back to a somewhat normal state. My sixteen year old son is not suffering. He knows I love him. He knows I love Noah. He knows I am not staying with DH because I don't love him (Nathaniel). Nathaniel is a very smart boy, this has been going on for almost two years. The kids start school again on Monday. Job searching continues. I'm sorry, I should have labeled this thread as another vent. "But some of the replies were harsh" Harsh? Everyone agreed with you and told you to get out, but you are hanging on for benefits? That, is harsh on your part. And for crying out loud, quit using the DH LABEL. You are way past that. You even admit you are sometimes responsible for sending him over the edge with your emotional theatrics.
People, there are two sides to this story. Quit the enabling.
This is a case, of: "the truth? You can't handle the truth". Now flame away......
|
|
whoami
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 12:43:49 GMT -5
Posts: 1,292
|
Post by whoami on Jan 5, 2014 11:36:44 GMT -5
I guess you will find this harsh.
You are a classic co dependent if you buy into the whole concept. You are making excuses because status quo is easier than leaving. I get it.
You are also kidding yourself if you don't think this is screwing up your kids.
Having deputies coming around is not a positive thing. They are not on your side. You could just as easily find yourself in jail for DV as your husband. They could decide to get CPS involved if there are too many visits to the house. I have a cousin married to an AH and this was the exact scenario. She said she was defending herself, he said she hit him and everyone went for a ride in police cars that night.
Your husband is either genuinely mentally unstable or playing you. I have no idea which. The whole onset of this illness of his was just bizarre. Regardless, he is taking very powerful psychotropic medications that have the potential to calm him or turn him into a violent individual. Given he has already demonstrated his propensity towards violence, Im not sure what it is you are waiting for before you figure out its time to go. As you have said, this has been going on for 2 years. If it were me, I would have no illusions that he will "get better" by June unless he falls into the "playing you" camp.
I feel bad for you because I think you are being manipulated big time by this guy. If he is genuinely mentally ill, that makes the bad behavior somewhat understandable, but it doesn't excuse it or make it acceptable. Mentally ill people are regularly held accountable for their behavior in our criminal justice system. I get the feeling you are hoping you find the magic combo of meds that is going to turn him into a cat and be an equal partner and parent in your marriage. Even if that did ultimately happen, I don't see how you can rewind to life from 4 years ago, before this all began.
When I left my ex, he threatened to kill himself. I was 2000 miles away at this point and most definitely done. It was not the first time he threatened. It was however, the first time I called the cops. He found himself locked up in the psych ward. He never played that particular hand again. It is interesting when I look back at my ex's bad behavior because it was all about manipulating me to stay and while it worked for a while, it was never going to be a long term thing, although I don't think he realized that until I actually packed up and left. That happened only when I realized that it wasn't my responsibility to keep my ex from killing himself by remaining in a marriage I had been done with for a very long time.
I was pretty surprised how quickly he managed to "get it together" once I did leave because I was also convinced by him that he was nuts. I still think he's got big time issues, but he was far more functional than he ever led me to believe he would be.
Its been almost 20 years and I can honestly say that leaving was the best thing I could have ever done for my kids and my sanity. I left my house, my entire life and what little financial security I had and got the hell out of there. 20 years later, I have a sane husband, kids that are not damaged from living with a manipulative nutcase, a home, a college degree, money in the bank...blah blah. I left with about $500 and my 2 kids. That was it. I would have had none of that today had I stayed...I honestly believe that. You know why I know that? ....because my ex has had another 2 marriages that look very much like ours did. I feel sorry for his wives because he is very much the charmer at first...until it all goes to hell.
Lastly, and I dont say this to be mean, but you are not the only one who has ever had a difficult situation with a child. You have been given a number of good resources and are eligible for assistance (financial, medical....whatever) due to your sons disability. Most people do not have that. You really need to take advantage of every available resource so that you can extricate yourself from this situation. I don't know if you are in therapy but I think it would be helpful. I think you are still trying to hold your husband together. You are going to lose yourself and your sanity in the process...
|
|
Nazgul Girl
Junior Associate
Babysitting our new grandbaby 3 days a week !
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 23:25:02 GMT -5
Posts: 5,913
Today's Mood: excellent
|
Post by Nazgul Girl on Jan 5, 2014 12:38:34 GMT -5
These are good posts above. I think that Les should read these over carefully, get goals and help in meeting them as far as the financial aid she can apply for ( Social Security will help a person by taking applications over the phone, but Les can definitely do them during the day when Noah's in school, by going online to fill them out, calling Social Security, or going to a local office ), and start thinking about her role in the future. There is no reason to turn down help for the conditions of your husband and son have. These types of disabilities are one of the reason why people pay FICA tax.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Jan 6, 2014 17:02:21 GMT -5
::And to the posters that don't have a severe special needs child...alrighty. When the shit hits the wall DH is out of our rental house. This IS Noah's home. You have no idea what he is like and how he is. THIS is a big deal with children like him. He is not a typical kid. ROUTINE, ROUTINE is all he knows. I will NOT leave this house.::
What will be more disruptive to him? 1. Leaving the home. 2. Your death.
Listen, I wouldn't leave in your situation either to be completely honest. I'd probably have it in my head that the worst wouldn't happen. But it's not as if hte people telling you to leave are doing so for a silly reason. They aren't telling you to leave the home so that you can move and make $.35 more per hour somewhere. They aren't saying to leave because they think everyone should live in the beautiful contryside. They're telling you to leave so that you don't DIE. Regardless of how big a deal it is for your special needs child to leave the home....it's not as big of a deal as death.
And it sounds silly to rebutt "you should leave for your own safety" with "my special needs child needs his routine". The only real argument you can have is that you don't think death is a real possible outcome. Rebutting "do this so you don't die" with "my child needs routine" suggests you're not thinking clearly.
|
|