grits
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Post by grits on Jan 3, 2014 20:00:45 GMT -5
First of all, take yourself, and your son to safety. Secondly, talk to a counselor. Staying in this situation is harming your son. It is damaging to him emotionally, and mentally. When my parents fought, they both took it out on me. My mother was just bad as my dad. You said that all this stuff from the past keeps coming up, and spilling over, and it upsets him. If you cannot let go of the past, and move on, what makes you think this relationship has a ghost of a chance? Furthermore, what is it you are trying to save? I say leave to safety, and work on it later.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jan 3, 2014 21:01:34 GMT -5
...:::"If he's not reacting strongly, he's gotten over the initial shock of the threat and now doesn't believe her because she's said it so much and not followed through. If it IS making him more angry/violent then, for Pete's sake, stop saying it!":::...
Precisely. Either of these scenarios hurts Les63 in its own way. Obviously when he says stuff like "I love you with all my heart" he is hoping she'll reciprocate. And while he may very well deserve whats coming; if his feelings are genuine, he is allowed to be hurt. After all, once upon a time you stood before some official and agreed to statements containing phrases like "so long as you both shall live" and "for better or for worse". There may be a "does not compute" factor to you saying you don't share the feelings anymore.
...:::"I would imagine it would be wise for Les to let her husband know divorce is actually in the works from a safe and unknown (to him) distance. It may just be the tipping point if Les tells him face-to-face.":::...
I'm sure when he is served, the divorce will go from theoretical to real; and that will come with its own parade of emotions. Some distance and anonymity wouldn't hurt.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jan 4, 2014 1:52:31 GMT -5
Posters have addressed most of the important stuff, but when I read this I really did want to comment. You need to create the solution not fan any flames especially since he will grab your arm and just recently raised his fist at you.
Time to train yourself to not get emotional around him. Do not seek emotional closure. You probably aren't going to get it and people live perfectly good lives without things getting tied up emotionally bow or not. Make up your own story one you can live with after you deal with the issue at hand. Stop threatening divorce, stop trying to get him to understand. Its totally unnecessary and indulgent. And worse, it puts you at your kids at risk. Do you really want things to escalate to a point where the 16 yr. old might try to defend you and get hurt himself? I'm sorry about the eggshells but its past time to deal with how he is, not how you keep hoping he will be.
When you are ready to get divorced, just do it. Its only optional he understands. Truly.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jan 4, 2014 8:23:34 GMT -5
Les, if you are waiting for the marriage to pass the 10-year anniversary mark, you can still leave the house, or he can still leave the house. Social Security does not care if you were living under the same roof for the entire ten years or not in order for you to get wive's benefits. It only cares if the marriage lasted for ten years or more for divorced wife's benefits.
If you separate but do not file for divorce until after the ten year anniversary is passed, then the marriage was still ten years long.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jan 4, 2014 8:34:56 GMT -5
Hmmm... so if sticking it out to get the 10 year mark is her goal; what happens if the DH files himself? If I knew my DW was sticking around just to ensure she got support (or to be entitled to more assets, or whatever...) I'd want to file ASAP and thwart that.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 4, 2014 8:44:10 GMT -5
The date the divorce becomes legally final is the date that SS uses. I had to take my certified divorce papers and certified marriage license to SS when I filed. Oh and my EX's SS number. I just hate to see someone put themselves and their children in harms way for possible SS benefits down the road. But that's just me - not walking in OP's shoes.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jan 4, 2014 9:01:01 GMT -5
Hmmm... so if sticking it out to get the 10 year mark is her goal; what happens if the DH files himself? If I knew my DW was sticking around just to ensure she got support (or to be entitled to more assets, or whatever...) I'd want to file ASAP and thwart that. WeWillBeBackGowron, her husband is incapble of doing anything for himself due to his medicual issues. He can barely get dressed in the morning. He won't be getting an attorney anytime soon.
It's not unheard of for a spouse in a difficult marriage to wait for a certain date to pass before filing for divorce. My ex waited until our daughter was seventeen years old to tell me he was going to divorce me. Sometimes wives taking care of spouses who are alcoholic or extremely ill wait ( while taking care of their husbands ) until a certain date passes so that they can get some retirement benefits such as part of a pension.
A woman I used to work with just remarried her spouse who is extremely disabled due to multiple limb amputations. She is retired and taking care of him, including driving him to all of his appointments at the VA, helping him get around, bathing him, and dressing his multiple wounds, plus keeping a roof over his head and paying for heat, the mortgage, etc. In return, he remarried her to make sure she had VA benefits after he dies, including his small pension and social security wife's benefits. It's a good deal for both of them.
I don't think Les is cynically hanging around "just" to get S.S. benefits. I think she is having a hard time deciding what to do, partly because of financial issues. She's taking care of her husband as well as their autistic son, remember.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 4, 2014 10:26:07 GMT -5
les- It is not my intention to or to But I also don't want it to seem as if I don't care No one is an (except me, of course! ). We all have our faults and insecurities. The need for others, and for the familiar is very strong in humans. From the sounds of it, this stuff you went through, although scary and upsetting, is familiar. Thus making it comfortable to some degree. We like the familiar. We want to be comfortable. Change is HARD. If you can't leave for yourself (BTDT), leave for your kids. Having a child grow up thinking this type of behavior is normal, or acceptable, is totally unacceptable. That's why DFS can take the children out of the home. By leaving, you teach them that you are strong, that you are willing to do whatever is necessary, even if it's not comfy, to keep them safe, and that both you and they, are worth it. -Would you seriously want them to think anything less? <shudder> -Take care of you. Without you, your kids only have him. What he says and what he does will rule their world. Is that what you really want? Really? It may feel like we are not listening, or that we don't understand. Perhaps like we are being harsh, as was previously mentioned. I think the opposite is actually true. I think we do hear what you are saying, and that on differing levels, we completely understand, having been there & done that, either personally or with others that were friends or relatives, or associated by our jobs. It is because of this level of understanding, and because you post here, that we are reacting with such great concern. It's why we care about you so much. You're one of us, and we'd like you to to continue to be one of us. Admittedly there that personal benefit too. In the end, the result of every post I've read on here, is that the poster cares. Please keep that in mind. What you are going through sucks, that's for sure. It isn't easy to stay, or to go. I get that. What it took for me, to finally shi+ or get off the pot, was feeling like someone was listening, and that they thought I should go. I trusted their opinion more than my own. At that point, I felt accountable, for either doing it, or not. I made an appt with an attorney the following day, and left. I found out later that my daughter thought I loved him, more than I loved or cared about her. The same thing I always believed my mother felt, as I grew up. That was devastating to hear/know. It couldn't have been further from the truth. I had even asked her every night about 'things', hoping she would say something, so we could leave. Leaving for me, was not good enough, but I could do it for her. The problem was, that she had done/said everything she felt like she could at her age, and with her understanding. I just didn't know or understand that. I finally left, and got us both out of a horrible situation. Thankfully my daughter has grown up knowing that she is valuable, and that what she wants and needs, matters. It has taken years of therapy, but I too no longer believe all the crap I was constantly being told (either by him or my own negative self talk). I'm happy, and it feels wonderful! Give yourself, as well as your kids, the chance to feel and be happy. If you can do that staying, and that's what you choose to do, then great. But a person thinking of, and threatening divorce, isn't happy. Thus, it would be nearly impossible for your children to be. If you can't do it for you, do it for them.An empty threat, is just irritating, fueling his fire and rage. If you don't mean it (aren't going to follow through with it) don't say it. Otherwise it seems you want to/enjoy being treated poorly. -Why would you do that? I realize you need to vent, and that you need to feel and get support from somewhere. I hope you feel like that's what we are giving you/what you get here. And that you will continue to post here, to get more of what you need.-take care of you♥ (you do matter) ((((BIG hugs)))) -Ha! That horse meat ought to be plenty tender by now! A BIG hug to all that have gone through something like this, or are currently going through something like this. You deserve to be happy. (Feel free to PM me, if there's something you'd like to talk about.)
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JustLurkin
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Post by JustLurkin on Jan 4, 2014 10:59:02 GMT -5
On my short list for 2104 is to get him into some kind of program. <snip> It wasn't that long ago that he was modeling some pretty bad behavior. Hitting me, and calling me names (really bad names that a 3 year old shouldn't know). Anyhow, I don't want to hijack this thread with my crap. MPL, it's a good post--especially since Les' younger son functions at a 3-year old level (I *think* she said).
Les, is your husband still on Risperidone and/or has the does been lowered? You may want to think about a dosage change.
Expected behaviors are critical for your son, you said you were dreading puberty...well, let's just say I didn't have to look up the spelling of Risperidone. Not entirely his fault, he developed seizures during puberty. I now know what "Keppra rage" is, I also know about Depakote rage, Topamax rage, Zenisamide sent him to the psych ward. Not telling you this to scare you, just saying your strength needs to be saved.
You should let your older son know a plan is place and you are working on it.
When you discuss divorce with your husband, do it in the presence of his psychiatrist.
Here's to a better year for you and your family.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jan 4, 2014 11:33:20 GMT -5
...:::"I don't think Les is cynically hanging around "just" to get S.S. benefits. I think she is having a hard time deciding what to do, partly because of financial issues. She's taking care of her husband as well as their autistic son, remember.":::...
I don't either. I was just curious in general; and I guess I have my answer. The time frame that counts is the time between [legal] marriage, and final legal divorce.
As I said before, I know there are many more details (ex. how someone who can't dress himself still manages to grab wrists and raise fists) but this is NOT intended to be a rehashing of her story. This is about helping her decide what to do, and how best to do it.
The escape plan points are always worth repeating. Its no different than a zombie apocalypse plan. If you need to leave in an instant, can you do it? Is a bag with some cash, clothes, and essentials already in the car? Is a support network in place? All things that must be considered and executed if her safety is threatened.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2014 12:02:38 GMT -5
I'm assuming it must be a significant difference in benefits. How long are we talking before the 10 year mark?
edit: (I deleted the rest of my post and sent it to les privately)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2014 12:12:16 GMT -5
I agree with leave for your kids sake if not your own. They have no say in the matter and if they are calling for help they are really scared. Calling someone for help is not something kids take lightly. It's embarrassing and they are scared.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2014 12:35:27 GMT -5
MPL: i am so sorry for all you had to go through. I hope 2014 is a better year for your family.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jan 4, 2014 14:37:44 GMT -5
...:::"How long are we talking before the 10 year mark?":::...
Excellent question. If we are talking a year or two, that is one thing; especially if her state has one of those "must be separated for a year before you can get divorced" rules. If she needs another 3+ then that is another proposition.
Of course I also don't begrudge wanting to leave with something. Expenses will only grow and elder care only gets more expensive. All of us, one way or another, trade time now for security later. Though most of those trades do not have physical safety jeopardized.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 4, 2014 14:52:22 GMT -5
I think in her other vent thread she said it was sometime in 2014, wanna say mid 2014 or later. Didn't go back to check so that's just coming from memory that I think it's less than a year now.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 4, 2014 17:26:44 GMT -5
It's very scary to move on. Especially with children and one of them special needs. Collecting CS and alimony is a crapshoot so you need to be able to support them and yourself without counting on it. Fear is the issue here.
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sapphire12
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Post by sapphire12 on Jan 4, 2014 19:29:28 GMT -5
...:::"How long are we talking before the 10 year mark?":::... Excellent question. If we are talking a year or two, that is one thing; especially if her state has one of those "must be separated for a year before you can get divorced" rules. If she needs another 3+ then that is another proposition. Of course I also don't begrudge wanting to leave with something. Expenses will only grow and elder care only gets more expensive. All of us, one way or another, trade time now for security later. Though most of those trades do not have physical safety jeopardized. The state of MD has the "one year of separation" rule. However, there are 6 reasons that eliminate that requirement. (BTDT with a friend.) In the OPs scenario, she may not want to fast track it and she isn't required to fast track a divorce, even if one of the 6 exclusions is present. This info could be helpful for someone else.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jan 4, 2014 22:27:01 GMT -5
I appreciate all the replies to this thread. Please don't take this the wrong way but some of the replies were harsh. When the deputies were called that night we were having severe weather. My Durango was buried. It just wasn't worth the risk to run away.
To the posters that said tone it down about threatening divorce. You are right. Lesson learned. From now on I am going to bite my tongue and just go with the flow. He is starting new meds. Antidepressant and something else. Slowing going off the risperidone.
And to the posters that don't have a severe special needs child...alrighty. When the shit hits the wall DH is out of our rental house. This IS Noah's home. You have no idea what he is like and how he is. THIS is a big deal with children like him. He is not a typical kid. ROUTINE, ROUTINE is all he knows. I will NOT leave this house.
I have on record DH being locked up for two weeks and now the deputies coming around. I will tippy toe around him and pretty much wait until June 24 (our ten year anniversary) to see if he is back to a somewhat normal state.
My sixteen year old son is not suffering. He knows I love him. He knows I love Noah. He knows I am not staying with DH because I don't love him (Nathaniel). Nathaniel is a very smart boy, this has been going on for almost two years.
The kids start school again on Monday. Job searching continues. I'm sorry, I should have labeled this thread as another vent.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jan 4, 2014 22:29:57 GMT -5
I disagree that you 16 year old is not affected by this.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jan 4, 2014 22:35:12 GMT -5
Les, I hope that you use the resources constanz posted and get yourself some support. Prayers are with you and your kids. Please stay safe.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 4, 2014 22:43:31 GMT -5
I appreciate all the replies to this thread. Please don't take this the wrong way but some of the replies were harsh. When the deputies were called that night we were having severe weather. My Durango was buried. It just wasn't worth the risk to run away. To the posters that said tone it down about threatening divorce. You are right. Lesson learned. From now on I am going to bite my tongue and just go with the flow. He is starting new meds. Antidepressant and something else. Slowing going off the risperidone. And to the posters that don't have a severe special needs child...alrighty. When the shit hits the wall DH is out of our rental house. This IS Noah's home. You have no idea what he is like and how he is. THIS is a big deal with children like him. He is not a typical kid. ROUTINE, ROUTINE is all he knows. I will NOT leave this house. I have on record DH being locked up for two weeks and now the deputies coming around. I will tippy toe around him and pretty much wait until June 24 (our ten year anniversary) to see if he is back to a somewhat normal state. My sixteen year old son is not suffering. He knows I love him. He knows I love Noah. He knows I am not staying with DH because I don't love him (Nathaniel). Nathaniel is a very smart boy, this has been going on for almost two years. The kids start school again on Monday. Job searching continues. I'm sorry, I should have labeled this thread as another vent. I have a special needs child. Trust me, severe arguing to the extent that the sheriff comes is much worse for your child than leaving. That is a horrible excuse to stay in an abusive marriage.
I disagree about the 16 year old.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jan 4, 2014 22:51:13 GMT -5
Here we go again. My son, DH's stepson has not had a great relationship with said stepdad. DH has had a off and on relationship with my son. He could have had a great relationship with him. My son's dad (who he still loves) hasn't been the greatest dad. My son is nothing like my DH. My DH in my opinion has been too harsh with him over the years and can and does create tensions in the family.
I'm not a perfect mother. I love all my children, unconditionally. I had a great childhood. My parents have been married over fifty years. DH's childhood was not as good. His parent's divorced when he was 6/7. If it wasn't for his grandmother, his childhood would have really sucked.
I'm just saying that I do have documentation. And, he will be kicked out of this rental house IF he can not get better. I am backing down now and will I guess become an unemotional robot for now.
Like I said in my previous post. Got Noah?
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jan 4, 2014 22:56:55 GMT -5
Can your child communicate? Are they potty trained? Can you take them anywhere but home or school? Are they almost as strong as you? My son is too my shoulders. He is nine.
Over a hundred pounds. You have any idea what an autistic child is like when they are in a total meltdown? Yeah. And he is just nine now.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jan 4, 2014 23:01:45 GMT -5
Sooooo, I'm going to go to some domestic shelter with Noah. Okaaaay. Even my parents, who would take me in a heartbeat, don't have the setup for Noah. They visit us now because their house just isn't setup to accommodate Noah.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2014 23:25:21 GMT -5
It would have been hard for me to leave too. Besides the fact that it was my house, I have horses and other animals here that depend on me. But, why not ask him to go?
FWIW, my older son is DH's stepson. There was tension between them as well, especially after younger son was born. Thankfully, he wasn't around a lot of the fights because he goes to his Dad's nearly every weekend, but when he was he would jump right in to my defense. I had learned how to keep situations under control, how to diffuse things, how to walk on egg shells... but the "incident" last July was an assault on stepson...not me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2014 23:38:26 GMT -5
Thing is, you can't legally make people leave their house.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2014 0:10:09 GMT -5
Thing is, you can't legally make people leave their house. If there's abuse you can. I know the laws vary between states but here the women's resource center will write up orders for protection and submit them to the court. From what I'm told it's a pretty quick process. It's temporary, but can be good for up to a year. Enough time to get through the "scary" time and file for divorce if that's what you're wanting to do. Of course, if you're dealing with someone that doesn't care about the order and is going to want to kill you for doing that, then you might not get a lot of peace of mind over being able to stay.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 5, 2014 0:32:08 GMT -5
I hope I didn't come across too harshly. I'm sorry if I did. I'm sure I couldn't do, what you do, on a regular basis, Maybe not even on a temporary basis. Only you know what your situation is really like, and how change affects your son, and household. I'm sure you are doing/will do what you think is best.(I can't imagine why you wouldn't.) Please take care of you (as well as your kids), and know that I care. I only want what is best for you. -tmr
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jan 5, 2014 4:51:09 GMT -5
I disagree that these fights aren't affecting your sixteen year old son. Of course the fighting is affecting him, especially if it's been going on for two years. Venting and sympathy are fine, but you still haven't filed the disability apps, which you could do from home. You could file for applications for SSD for your son and husband, and could file for benefits as the mother to a disabled child until Noah is 18 years old.
I did write that for S.S. purposes, you don't have to live under the same roof as your spouse for the marriage to have been considered to last ten years. If your husband has SSD benefits, he might be able to move out of the house. Just some thoughts on that, but if he's been jailed for two weeks already, and the deputy has had to come back, then it's reasonable to think that he will be out of the house permanently at some time in the future.
I think that you need to develop some longer-term plans. I know that you have your hands full now, but some money coming in that's steady every month would greatly help.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jan 5, 2014 8:55:12 GMT -5
Thing is, you can't legally make people leave their house. You can't but a judge can.
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