constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Jan 3, 2014 9:43:58 GMT -5
New York State recognizes that certain professionals are specially equipped to perform the important role of mandated reporter of child abuse or maltreatment. Those professionals include: •Physician •Registered physician's assistant •Surgeon •Medical examiner •Coroner •Dentist •Dental hygienist •Osteopath •Optometrist •Chiropractor •Podiatrist •Resident •Intern •Psychologist •Registered nurse •Social worker •Emergency medical technician •Licensed creative arts therapist •Licensed marriage and family therapist •Licensed mental health counselor •Licensed psychoanalyst •Hospital personnel engaged in the admission, examination, care, or treatment of persons •Christian Science practitioner •School official, including (but not limited to): •school teacher •school guidance counselor •school psychologist •school social worker •school nurse •school administrator or other school personnel required to hold a teaching or administrative license or certificate
•Social services worker •Director of a children's overnight camp, summer day camp or traveling summer day camp •Day care center worker •School-age child care worker •Provider of family or group family day care •Employee or volunteer in a residential care facility for children •Any other child care or foster care worker •Mental health professional •Substance abuse counselor •Alcoholism counselor •All persons credentialed by the NYS Office of Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Services •Peace officer •Police officer •District attorney or assistant district attorney •Investigator employed in the office of the district attorney •Any other law enforcement official
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 3, 2014 9:47:05 GMT -5
Les your husband is mentally unstable. Which means you have no clue what he'll do to you or the kids. At least once a week there is some story on the news about a crazy boyfriend/husband offing his SO or their children. You want that to be you? Your husband has no desire whatsoever to get help and is showing you plain as day there aren't any bats left in the belfry. Your loyalty should not be to your husband. It should be towards you and the kids. The sheriffs see this stuff every day, you should really take their advice. They aren't telling you this for poops and giggles. It's they know what the end result is going to be. A house is a pile of wood and nails. It was there before you and it'll be there long after you are gone. No house, no amount of pride are worth the lives of yourself or the kids.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Jan 3, 2014 9:50:32 GMT -5
Reasonable cause to suspect child abuse or maltreatment means that, based on your rational observations, professional training and experience, you have a suspicion that the parent or other person legally responsible for a child is responsible for harming that child or placing that child in imminent danger of harm. Your suspicion can be as simple as distrusting an explanation for an injury.
Abuse
Abuse encompasses the most serious injuries and/or risk of serious injuries to children by their caregivers. An abused child is one whose parent or other person legally responsible for his or her care inflicts serious physical injury upon the child, creates a substantial risk of serious physical injury, or commits a sex offense against the child. Abuse also includes situations where a parent or other person legally responsible knowingly allows someone else to inflict such harm on a child.
Maltreatment (includes Neglect)
Maltreatment means that a child’s physical, mental or emotional condition has been impaired, or placed in imminent danger of impairment, by the failure of the child's parent or other person legally responsible to exercise a minimum degree of care by: •failing to provide sufficient food, clothing, shelter, education; or •failing to provide proper supervision, guardianship, or medical care (refers to all medical issues, including dental, optometric, or surgical care); or •inflicting excessive corporal punishment, abandoning the child, or misusing alcohol or other drugs to the extent that the child was placed in imminent danger.
Poverty or other financial inability to provide the above is not maltreatment.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jan 3, 2014 10:06:12 GMT -5
DH and I got into an argument tonight. My 16 year old son heard it and texted DH's cousin. Cousin called 911. I'm not going to add to the chorus about getting out. You made it clear you're not at that point yet and 300 internet posts from strangers will probably not be the thing that changes your decision.
But do think about what your description of the events might imply. First, your son was worried enough that he texted a family member for help. The family member thought the situation was serious enough to dial 911. Stop and think about that. This is not normal. People argue, but it's very rare for a family member to call 911 about it. This had to be not only a very heated argument, but your son and cousin had to be worried enough to call the police. Your family is worried enough that they think outside help is needed.
Your family knows much more about this situation than we do. Your family is scared.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jan 3, 2014 10:09:19 GMT -5
If you are worried about the 10 years to get the social security, getting out doesn't mean the marriage is over for the social security accumulation.
The end of the marriage is determined by the divorce filing date, and from the sounds of your husband, he doesn't have the ability to file divorce papers.
You can go to family court and get a custody/child support order/order of protection without ending the marriage.
The domestic violence shelter has advocates who can help you navigate the system. Good luck.
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Spellbound454
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"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
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Post by Spellbound454 on Jan 3, 2014 10:22:45 GMT -5
Oh crikey....this is not good. If you have had enough.
Play it cool so he doesn't suspect anything, think clearly and start planning your escape...Wait until he is out of the house, move money, move valuables where you can pick them up later, take your kids and go to a place of safety. Then never talk to him again....unless its though a solicitor. Don't let him know where you are.
I've walked out before now....survival kicks in... and the mantra that kept me going was "I must do, what I must"
Its not easy but it can be done. My best wishes.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 3, 2014 10:32:14 GMT -5
Les, I've worked in law enforcement/courts/corrections. I've seen all sides of this issue. You are worried about the 10-year SS rule. You may not make it to that mark, if you stay. That's as blunt as I can put this. Your husband is mentally unstable, and if he wants to kill you in your sleep, he'll find a way. Or kill your kids. And plead not guilty by reason of insanity. And likely get away with it.
Is this how you want things to end?
Nothing you own, or want, or even need in that house, is worth staying. You can obtain new stuff. You cannot replace your life. Your children cannot replace their mother, or their childhoods. There comes a point when sympathy for someone has to end, because the relationship is over, because that person has crossed a line, because you cannot fix what is broken without the help of the other person.
The resources are there. Pack what you need and go to safety. You cannot think rationally unless you are in a rational place, with your own unclouded thoughts.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2014 10:56:14 GMT -5
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. My husband is mentally ill as well. He's not been in the house for 6 months now since the "sheriff came a calling" back in July. I'm sad, I'm broke, I feel incredibly guilty sometimes because I feel that I should be taking care of him (I started crying just writing that), and our 3 year old that adores him just doesn't understand why he can't see him. It sucks so much, but yet it's better too. I'm all about logic and rational so dealing with crazy every day was stressing me out to no end.
Ok, I guess I'm no help, but I do understand how you're feeling.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 3, 2014 11:01:11 GMT -5
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. My husband is mentally ill as well. He's not been in the house for 6 months now since the "sheriff came a calling" back in July. I'm sad, I'm broke, I feel incredibly guilty sometimes because I feel that I should be taking care of him (I started crying just writing that), and our 3 year old that adores him just doesn't understand why he can't see him. It sucks so much, but yet it's better too. I'm all about logic and rational so dealing with crazy every day was stressing me out to no end. Ok, I guess I'm no help, but I do understand how you're feeling. You are of great help. You are currently living ìt.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jan 3, 2014 11:10:46 GMT -5
les and MPL: I hope you both have the strength to do what you need to do for yourselves and your children. big hugs.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jan 3, 2014 11:14:40 GMT -5
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. My husband is mentally ill as well. He's not been in the house for 6 months now since the "sheriff came a calling" back in July. I'm sad, I'm broke, I feel incredibly guilty sometimes because I feel that I should be taking care of him (I started crying just writing that), and our 3 year old that adores him just doesn't understand why he can't see him. It sucks so much, but yet it's better too. I'm all about logic and rational so dealing with crazy every day was stressing me out to no end. Ok, I guess I'm no help, but I do understand how you're feeling. MPL - I am glad to hear that you are no longer dealing with the crazy every day. My heart goes out to you for your current troubles and for your son.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 3, 2014 11:43:56 GMT -5
MPL - I had some idea that you were going through something at home, but no idea what it was. You did what you had to do. For a three-year-old, in some ways, it has to be very, very hard. How do you explain in even the simplest terms, that Daddy is so very sick that Mommy cannot help him? Three-year-olds understand coughs and sneezes and tummy aches, but sickness they cannot see is something else. It is a help, though, when someone can also say, "I'm in this position, and I get it." Those of us who have seen it from the standpoint of professionals also "get it," but not they way you do. -hug-We can offer help from a third-party place, because we know the resources. You can offer help from a first-person place, because you know that after the sorrowful sound of striking a desperate rock bottom, there is the climb back out.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jan 3, 2014 11:54:32 GMT -5
les and MPL: I hope you both have the strength to do what you need to do for yourselves and your children. big hugs. Yeah that. (((((hugs)))))
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2014 12:00:23 GMT -5
MPL - I had some idea that you were going through something at home, but no idea what it was. You did what you had to do. For a three-year-old, in some ways, it has to be very, very hard. How do you explain in even the simplest terms, that Daddy is so very sick that Mommy cannot help him? Three-year-olds understand coughs and sneezes and tummy aches, but sickness they cannot see is something else. It is a help, though, when someone can also say, "I'm in this position, and I get it." Those of us who have seen it from the standpoint of professionals also "get it," but not they way you do. -hug-We can offer help from a third-party place, because we know the resources. You can offer help from a first-person place, because you know that after the sorrowful sound of striking a desperate rock bottom, there is the climb back out. This has been really hard. It doesn't help that last week our dog got "sick" and had to be put down. To my son sick is starting to mean going away and not coming back. There was a stretch when his Dad was allowed to see him in early November. DS was all excited about seeing him and demanding I take him to go visit. Well, I took him to the halfway house he was at, but his Dad was not with it and it was odd and uncomfortable. DS was asking to leave after about a half hour and hasn't mentioned his Dad once since then. Last week he was being goofy dancing around trying to be the center of attention and I told him he was definitely his father's son. He asked me "but who is my father?". Man that cut. Those two were inseparable 6 months ago and now he's forgetting who he is. He see's his older brother with his Dad who is very involved and he has nobody.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 3, 2014 12:05:47 GMT -5
While it wouldn't replace his dad would your Ex be willing to include him from time to time if you explained the situation?
You might also consider looking into whether there is a Boys Club of America in your area. Big Brothers Big Sisters is another program to consider.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2014 12:15:14 GMT -5
He knows every detail of what's going on and he does take him with to some things, like last Summer and Fall he took him fishing and swimming, but there's a big age gap, and a lot of the things the ex does with older son are with the Boy Scouts and younger son isn't allowed along.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 3, 2014 12:17:40 GMT -5
MPL - I had some idea that you were going through something at home, but no idea what it was. You did what you had to do. For a three-year-old, in some ways, it has to be very, very hard. How do you explain in even the simplest terms, that Daddy is so very sick that Mommy cannot help him? Three-year-olds understand coughs and sneezes and tummy aches, but sickness they cannot see is something else. It is a help, though, when someone can also say, "I'm in this position, and I get it." Those of us who have seen it from the standpoint of professionals also "get it," but not they way you do. -hug-We can offer help from a third-party place, because we know the resources. You can offer help from a first-person place, because you know that after the sorrowful sound of striking a desperate rock bottom, there is the climb back out. This has been really hard. It doesn't help that last week our dog got "sick" and had to be put down. To my son sick is starting to mean going away and not coming back. There was a stretch when his Dad was allowed to see him in early November. DS was all excited about seeing him and demanding I take him to go visit. Well, I took him to the halfway house he was at, but his Dad was not with it and it was odd and uncomfortable. DS was asking to leave after about a half hour and hasn't mentioned his Dad once since then. Last week he was being goofy dancing around trying to be the center of attention and I told him he was definitely his father's son. He asked me "but who is my father?". Man that cut. Those two were inseparable 6 months ago and now he's forgetting who he is. He see's his older brother with his Dad who is very involved and he has nobody. Assuming you have no other male adult relatives around, and the older boy is too old to play with the three year old, are there friends and neighbors who can step in? I'm not suggesting anyone play secondary dad to your boys. It does not work that way, I know. But it's hard for the older one to be just a normal kid under the circumstances, so taking the fatherhood-type role would be more than too much right now. If you have a Big Brothers/Big Sisters program in your area, by all means, consider checking it out. A program like that offers mentoring, counseling and real one-on-one time for kids. It gives them a third-party "safe" space, so they can vent some energy. And it gives you some space, too. ETA: DramaQ beat me to the BB/BS post.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2014 13:05:06 GMT -5
On my short list for 2104 is to get him into some kind of program. I got some information from his Kindergarten screening in early December that I was going to follow up on after the holidays. They pulled me aside when the screening was over and said they knew about our situation and DS had been tagged "at risk for developmental and behavioral issues". That was a bit of a disturbing reality check for me. Thankfully, they were amazed at how great he's doing and how well adjusted he seems. He scored 4X higher than he needed to to meet the criteria and charmed the heck out of the evaluators. It wasn't that long ago that he was modeling some pretty bad behavior. Hitting me, and calling me names (really bad names that a 3 year old shouldn't know). Anyhow, I don't want to hijack this thread with my crap.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 3, 2014 13:40:06 GMT -5
On my short list for 2104 is to get him into some kind of program. I got some information from his Kindergarten screening in early December that I was going to follow up on after the holidays. They pulled me aside when the screening was over and said they knew about our situation and DS had been tagged "at risk for developmental and behavioral issues". That was a bit of a disturbing reality check for me. Thankfully, they were amazed at how great he's doing and how well adjusted he seems. He scored 4X higher than he needed to to meet the criteria and charmed the heck out of the evaluators. It wasn't that long ago that he was modeling some pretty bad behavior. Hitting me, and calling me names (really bad names that a 3 year old shouldn't know). Anyhow, I don't want to hijack this thread with my crap. Nah, I don't consider sharing a like experience to be hijacking of any kind. You are helping anyone who is in this situation, and of course, when you write things out and really look at them, they tend to make more sense. Of course, that's the compulsive listmaker in me talking.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 3, 2014 14:29:14 GMT -5
Hugs MPL. I didn't know most of that, just that you were having "issues"
I love the word "issues" with my kids. I've explained issues = problems. Maybe you can start using a different word? I don't mean to make light of your situation. In our situation, it's in reference to DH's brother, the brother's wife and their adopted daughter (DN#6) - the entire situation is a big f@#$ed up mess of crazy with bouts of normal.
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 3, 2014 14:49:25 GMT -5
If you are worried about the 10 years to get the social security, getting out doesn't mean the marriage is over for the social security accumulation.
The end of the marriage is determined by the divorce filing date, and from the sounds of your husband, he doesn't have the ability to file divorce papers.
You can go to family court and get a custody/child support order/order of protection without ending the marriage.
The domestic violence shelter has advocates who can help you navigate the system. Good luck. I had a friend who hung around because of 10 yr SS guidelines. What a mistake that was. But it was her choice. But what IcedSwamp said in another post is so true about your son thinking this is normal. My friends son saw the abuse and now he is serving time for putting a hit on his wife. It failed but he is in jail. Not saying this always happens but children repeat a lot of what they see growing up.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2014 15:06:06 GMT -5
I've spent the last 10 years or so donating time and $$ to a local womens shelter for domestic violence victims. Your story is similar to how most of the victims here say their problems started out. I've seen some pretty serious injuries over the last few years. You will not be able to control the situation. It might be prudent to leave, no physical property is worth you being injured. Please accept profesional help (when leaving, police etc.) when the time comes.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jan 3, 2014 15:14:21 GMT -5
Sorry you're having to deal with all this drama. I hope things get better soon, no matter how you choose to proceed.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jan 3, 2014 15:47:51 GMT -5
I agree with GEL, either file for divorce, or don't. Either way, stop threatening it. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but making threats doesn't help the situation.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jan 3, 2014 15:55:01 GMT -5
If you are worried about the 10 years to get the social security, getting out doesn't mean the marriage is over for the social security accumulation.
The end of the marriage is determined by the divorce filing date, and from the sounds of your husband, he doesn't have the ability to file divorce papers.
You can go to family court and get a custody/child support order/order of protection without ending the marriage.
The domestic violence shelter has advocates who can help you navigate the system. Good luck. I had a friend who hung around because of 10 yr SS guidelines. What a mistake that was. But it was her choice. But what IcedSwamp said in another post is so true about your son thinking this is normal. My friends son saw the abuse and now he is serving time for putting a hit on his wife. It failed but he is in jail. Not saying this always happens but children repeat a lot of what they see growing up. Not wanting my oldest to think his dad's behavior is "normal" is why I left when I did. Even more than the big ass red flags that were screaming at me. I have a dresser with stab wounds from a fight XH and I were having, he decided to wail on it while he was mad, instead of me. I assume. Same knife got thrown down the hallway at me, still in its sheath that time. It was obvious that he was working up the nerve to put a hand on me. But if it hadn't been for not wanting DS to think that behavior was ok, I may have continued to try to get him to stop drinking and work things out. Leave while you have options Les. Don't meet Constanz because she got called on you. Or make her come on here and tell us that you waited too long.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 3, 2014 15:59:21 GMT -5
les, I am sure that the Sherriff's gave you contact information for the DV shelter and resources. But, if not, it was formerly the SOS shelter, but just changed it's name to RISE. You can be in contact with an advocate there to help you go through this. You don't have to be at the point of needing to go to the shelter in order for them to work with you. Please contact them. They are a great resource. Their # is 754-4340. Thanks, constanz, for providing that information and a contact number. I sure hope les uses it!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jan 3, 2014 16:29:33 GMT -5
Hugs, Les63, this has to be tough. A lot has been said and said well on the subject of your safety, so I'll skip that and go to this.
...:::"As far as "threatening" to divorce him, either do it or stop threatening it.":::...
I know there are subtleties not shared here. I'm sorry you are living in a limbo. If you are really "threatening" divorce, and have been for some time, I'm sure that is not helping the situation. I think your husband knows all too well that you don't share his feelings; but you are also still around (even if its for financial reasons, vs. emotional ones). I hope you are able to get closure safely and quickly.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jan 3, 2014 16:34:34 GMT -5
IDK if the threatening is that big a deal. Did she say how he's reacting to it? (I'll look back) If he's not reacting strongly, he's gotten over the initial shock of the threat and now doesn't believe her because she's said it so much and not followed through. If it IS making him more angry/violent then, for Pete's sake, stop saying it! I know none of this is easy Les. The day my XH finally left for good, I felt like crap. Because I'd split up DS's family, even if it was for his own good. I got over it and am so glad I did it.
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sapphire12
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Post by sapphire12 on Jan 3, 2014 19:10:24 GMT -5
to Les and MPL. Both of your situations are heartbreaking. Kudos to you MPL for doing what you needed to do for your family. Les, please do what is best for your family, sooner rather than later.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 3, 2014 19:33:15 GMT -5
I would imagine it would be wise for Les to let her husband know divorce is actually in the works from a safe and unknown (to him) distance. It may just be the tipping point if Les tells him face-to-face.
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