vonna
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Post by vonna on Jan 2, 2014 13:45:37 GMT -5
Well, I am one that did it the "wrong" way. My kids are 10 years apart, I had the first at 30, the other at 40. It's not how I pictured things would be in my 20's, but it seems right now!!
They get along great. DS is home from college for the holidays, and DD just adores him. I love hearing their discussions and "banter" (usually)
I'm eight years younger than my brother, and we are extremely close -- so I think people tend to put restrictions on what they "think" the perfect family/child spacing is.
So, even though I've been told they are too many years apart to "really" have a sibling relationship, and I've been told I was selfish to have a child at 40 because I will be too old and decrepit when she graduates, I would create the same family in a heartbeat. I love my perfectly imperfect family!
Bottom line, it is your decision. Don't let anyone else tell you how to create your perfect family. It only needs to be perfect for you! If that means you stop at one, your family is perfect! If you decide to have another, it still will be your perfect family.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jan 2, 2014 13:57:31 GMT -5
scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/215976_1026199103359_7889843_n.jpg
I can't figure out the posting pics thing but if you click you'll see the boy and DH- hiking at Joshua Tree in CA. This was a few years ago as the Boy is now as tall as his dad and 15.
We've been hauling that kid all over the country since he was 4 months old and took his first red-eye. He's been to Germany, Austria, Amsterdam, Mexico, etc. His grandparents used to pick him up and travel for 8 weeks at a time in their motor home.
Having only the one we have a very close relationship and contrary to what Dark says he is not a weirdo that can't interact with kids his own age. He is our buddy and the three of us do a lot of things together. I can't imagine changing that dynamic to add another person and I honestly don't know if we had a 2nd if we'd be able to be as close with DS as we are. I'm sure it's possible but none of the 4 of us kids in my family have the same relationship with our parents.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 2, 2014 14:08:05 GMT -5
I'm eight years younger than my brother, and we are extremely close -- so I think people tend to put restrictions on what they "think" the perfect family/child spacing
I'm older than my brother by six years and I can say w/o a doubt our issues have nothing to do with our age differences.
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Martivir
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Post by Martivir on Jan 2, 2014 14:08:52 GMT -5
I want a second kid. We actually tried for a couple of months when DS was 9 months but DH lost his job so we stopped. Now DS is 4 and so many things have happened since then that DH and I really need to sit down and discuss it. DS has special needs, I have health issues, money is not where DH would like it to be( it wasn't with DS either) and we would have some serious rearranging of our life to do. Part of me wants DS to have a sibling. DH and I both grew up with one and at times it was Clash of the Titans. Blood, scars, temporary deafness was par for the course with us. I so I have no illusion of two kids playing peacefully together.
There is a hefty amount of fear on my part. My health issues are worse now that when I had DS. I have found out some new ones that will affect the odds of us having a second special needs kid. Can I handle a second one? Will they have more serious issues that DS does? What happens if I land in the hospital again, can DH handle 2 kids by himself? Can I handle two kids when my health issues flair up? Right now I could care less about the money aspect of it. Yes kids are expensive but if we wait some of the reasons against #2 are just going to become more significant. Kid #2 will involve moving to a different house at some point. A ton of storage space means nothing if the kids have nowhere to play. If we stayed the kids would be sharing a room that barely fits a bed and a dresser. I don't know. What I do know is that if we don't decide within the next year or two it's off the table and DS will be an only. I'm ok with that because I don't feel like my life will be over if we don't have a second kid.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jan 2, 2014 14:13:35 GMT -5
We need to post more pictures on Facebook. But I was able to find these. Teenage Years, life is good. OMG!! What the hell did I do Totally worth it!!! They're more fun the older they get, but we've gotten horrible at uploading pictures.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jan 2, 2014 14:15:12 GMT -5
We actually took an informal poll of parents at one of my previous jobs: "How many kids is too many?"
The overall result was most parents felt they'd lost control at 3 kids. Too much chaos, at least when they were little.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 14:17:02 GMT -5
I don't think there is a wrong way. On the lifestyle question, for myself, I'm glad there is a chunk of time when I'm raising kids and it isn't spread out too far. I love homeschooling. But I don't think I would be good at doing it 'forever'... So for us not spreading it out worked well. If fire has lifestyle concerns, then she might want to think to that too, but certainly there is no one 'right' answer... Unless it's your answer for you
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Jan 2, 2014 14:19:24 GMT -5
Mine are close in age which had its advantages. They were very close growing up and always had someone to play with...they could share toys, and birthdays. I used the same equipment, cot, car seat, pram...and clothes got passed down so they were cheaper. I could do the baby thing...a couple of years of being poor....then school child thing all in one go. There isn't a right answer...there are advantages whatever you go for
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jan 2, 2014 14:22:19 GMT -5
nutty - I think 2 is the right number because otherwise you have to switch from man-to-man defense to zone, and zone never works.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 2, 2014 14:25:22 GMT -5
Coming from what I went through I say do it. I had two very early at 21 months apart. I knew I wanted one more when I and the kids were a little older. It happened but she was stillborn and I miss her everyday, I want my baby everyday. I am still pissed, angry, hurt etc. It doesn't affect everyday life but I so want my daughter to be living and be with us. As she was a surprise and then DH talked about it and he decided he wanted no more, and his boys were no longer up to the task. It is my one biggest downer everytime I think about it. To have my little girl and I don't.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jan 2, 2014 14:28:01 GMT -5
I will admit I am biased- I am one of 4 kids. 4 kids in 7 years. Boy (Older brother), Girl (Me 4 year later), Boy (idiot brother 2 years later), Girl (sister one year later).
We do not get along. Didn't get along as kids either. My sister and I are close now but we didn't speak to each other for a 5 year period (from 2004-2009). My younger brother and I have to work together and fight like cats and dogs. He told me once that if I was on fire he'd run and get some gasoline to pour on me to make sure the fire got good and hot. My older brother and I have nothing in common. We are cordial when he isn't being annoying- his wife is nice I like her fine.
We don't do family vacations. Christmas as a family lasted about 6 hours before people started losing their tempers and it was time for me to leave (I leave at the first sign of trouble because they usually gang up on me). The cousins get along ok. DS is the only child and they overwhelm him because they are all so loud. With only us and DS our house is very calm and peaceful. We laugh a lot and talk to each other but there are no arguments, no temper tantrums, no kids yelling at each other, etc. Every time he's around his cousins he comes home and tells us thank you for letting him be an only child.
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Martivir
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Post by Martivir on Jan 2, 2014 14:34:29 GMT -5
My only. And no that is not blood. He scared the daylights out of me because he got into red food coloring. ETA: I agree with Dark. The older he gets the more I forget to upload new pictures. He's 2 in this pic. It's one the most recent uploaded. Kid's 4 now.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jan 2, 2014 14:55:14 GMT -5
...:::"And no that is not blood. He scared the daylights out of me because he got into red food coloring.":::...
I'm watching the walking dead as I surf the boards today. How timely...
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jan 2, 2014 15:08:56 GMT -5
Background: Mine are 2.5 years apart. I was 35 and 37.5, respectively, at their births. Getting pregnant wasn't an issue. Carrying the healthy babies to term was the issue for me. ODS was born via emergency C-Section nearly 8 weeks prematurely due to my worsening pre-eclampsia. I had been on bed rest already for 5 weeks trying to hold on to the pregnancy. I got pregnant with him on my honeymoon (honestly!!) and was in the best shape of my life. He spent 2 weeks in the NICU. He was very slow to reach developmental milestones and over the years received diagnoses of everything from autism to PPD-NOS to dyslexia to a language-learning disability (the former 2 were completely wrong, the latter two spot on). He is very, very intelligent, highly motivated, has an incredible work ethic, a good heart, unyielding empathy, a hilarious sense of humor bordering on the cynical just like his mother, and some learning disabilities. YDS was a complete surprise. I was walking to the train station near my house at 6:00 a.m. every morning and throwing up in people's yards on the way. I thought it was stress. I thought I was still getting my period every month. Boy, was I wrong. I used a High-Risk OB for him at a major Boston hospital because of the likelihood of developing pre-eclampsia again. Early on, the blood testing showed that YDS had a 25% chance of having Downs Syndrome or Spina Bifida. An amniocentesis test ruled those out. I carried entirely differently than I did with ODS, felt great the whole pregnancy (after the nausea subsided), and my blood pressure remained normal until 37 weeks. ODS was induced 10 days late -- needing forceps AND vacuum to get the little brat out. He is very, very intelligent and has no learning disabilities. He is, in many ways, my emotional twin (not in a creepy way -- we just see life in identical ways), a deep and sensitive thinker, he appropriately questions authority and hypocrisy, has unending compassion, a deep commitment to social justice, and shares his older brother's hilarious sense of humor.
The long and short of it is that every pregnancy is a crapshoot health-wise. Yet, we humans have managed to nevertheless overpopulate this rock and navigate relationships with each other for good and for bad.
Before I became a mother, I imagined myself having a large family -- 5, 6, maybe even 12, boys. But, I really, honestly had no freaking clue how much work parenting kids is -- especially parenting young kids. I don't do sleep deprivation well. I was also anxious about ODS's developmental issues and couldn't seem to get definitive, honest, answers to my questions from school or independent medical folks. That anxiety absolutely colored my view of my children's younger years and impacted the quality of my parenting. (I will carry good old-fashioned guilt and a legitimate grudge to my grave.) ODS's earliest years were filled with worry and balancing a job with parenthood and watching my own parents die and figuring this whole parenting thing out. Yet, despite all of that, he and I bonded thoroughly and I relished every moment with him.
Conversely, I remember looking at YDS in the hospital shortly after he was born and saying to myself that he was a stranger -- that I did not recognize him, and asking myself who he was and how could I connect with him. I naively thought that he would simply be a smaller version of ODS. He is so not. And, now, I am so glad. Both kids are unique and distinct and yet as similar as 2 siblings can be. They don't even look alike. The gene pool is going to do what it is going to do and you just have to jump in with both feet. Different, as in different kids, doesn't necessarily mean bad. Different can also mean really, awesomely, twice-the-fun, good.
So, the take away from this long post is that, now that my kids are older and fairly independent (dressing themselves, personal hygiene, walking, talking, feeding themselves, etc.), I am so very, very, very glad that they are both, and more importantly, each, in my life and I would do it the same all over again given the chance. My life is so much richer and fuller because these 2 unique little people came into it and they brought their love and their individual personalities along. Two (or three, or four, or...) multiplies the work, but also the love, fun, laughter, and life.
FB, base your decision not on fear, finances, or lifestyle. Base it on how full *your* life is. For many, one child completes their family. For a rare few others, 19 does. The rest fall somewhere in the middle. Only you can decide where you and your DH fall. But, you need not decide today. You are still actively, constantly, parenting Firechick. Give her a chance to gain some independence and then consider whether you are interested in doing it all over again. I wish you wisdom and peace as you figure it all out.
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Timberwolf
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Post by Timberwolf on Jan 2, 2014 15:40:41 GMT -5
Dark, you look like the older brother in the pic where you're holding your girls. You are really in a good position now with them because you're still so young. When you're a grandparent most people will think they are your kids. You'll be an empty nester in no time, (except you'll still be tied to your new baby toy store).
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jan 2, 2014 15:44:05 GMT -5
Shoot, I still look like their older brother now. Especially if I shave.
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Timberwolf
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Post by Timberwolf on Jan 2, 2014 16:03:30 GMT -5
You have good genes.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jan 2, 2014 16:04:20 GMT -5
You know, I think I just figured out what is making this so hard for me. Ultimately, I want the happiest family unit possible- and for Babybird to have the happiest life possible. And there's really, truly, no way to know in advance whether another baby will make our family better or worse for whatever reason. There's no way for me to know whether Babybird will enjoy having a sibling or hate it. Whether it will make her life easier or harder. THAT'S why I'm struggling with this so much! I would absolutely want another baby if I knew for sure Babybird was going to want one as much as I did, but if she'd be fine without one and not feel like she was missing anything, I could be fine with having just her. BUT THERE'S NO WAY FOR ME TO KNOW THAT. I'm still on page 1, but is your 3-years-apart timeline flexible at all? My brother and I are 6 years and 20 days apart. I remember begging my mom for a sibling starting around age 4. (When she had my colicky sister a year after DBro was born, I begged her to take DSis back, but that's beside the point ) At that age, I'm not sure I understood everything a sibling would encompass, and I very much enjoyed being an only, but I've never regretted having siblings. If you're worried about the effect on Babybird, and are OK with waiting til she's 3 or so to TTC, she may answer the question for you... Semi-related side note, my cousin has a 1yo and wants 4 or more kids...at Christmas, she was holding DD and her kid became hysterical and tried to hit DD with his bottle, so that may be a challenge for them. I'm guessing Babybird is nicer
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jan 2, 2014 16:12:28 GMT -5
Not really. I just turned 32 last week. Most guys still look pretty young in their early thirties as long as they shave. Hollywood actors still play teenage characters when they're my age.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jan 2, 2014 16:20:36 GMT -5
Just a quick note on the "lifestyle change" that some discussed. For us there was no great change -> we weren't into the bar scene to begin with so there was nothing to give up. We did however love to travel and go camping and never gave that up. We trekked with an infant and a 4 yr old across the Yucatan and less then a year later across Java (indonesia), etc., etc.. No problems whatsoever. All it takes is a little extra thought in preparation and, in the case of trekking across Java, not being shy to feed quinine to your kid on heaping teaspoons of sugar The only trips we did forgo -several years in a row- was to Nepal because of consecutive years with outbreaks of encaphalites and Burma because of the military junta that took over. Nepal I might never end up visiting, but Burma is still high on my bucket list. If and when I do go, there is a good chance that DS1 will come along since he now lives in that part of the world. Long story short: it is your own decision how much you will change your lifestyle when you have (a) kid(s). There really isn't all that uch you can't do with them if you really want to
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jan 2, 2014 16:21:29 GMT -5
This should cure your baby fever ETA - Ack! Sorry for the giant picture. Posting from my phone.
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Timberwolf
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Post by Timberwolf on Jan 2, 2014 16:28:03 GMT -5
Awe, MidJD, what a beauty.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 2, 2014 16:29:42 GMT -5
I am soooo loving the kid pics! They're all just adorable! I do not, however, want one of my own. I've got a great-granddaughter, and another great-granddaughter on the way (due in June). That will serve me nicely.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jan 2, 2014 16:31:41 GMT -5
There is no way to know how you are going to feel at each and every juncture where having one or not having one could be analyzed. You don't know whether you'll regret not giving BabyBird a sibling, or not. You don't know whether or not the second could hurt a lot financially. You can't be sure of what the genetic lottery has in mind for you or a future child.
I've been no help, and that is sort of the point. I don't think this decision can be made rationally.
I'm pretty sure that you and your DH could make it work if presented with the situation. You won't starve, or be homeless, or go without care. You have a support network (Mom lives across the street or something, IIRC?). All that logistical crap can be overcome.
Its just going to be you deciding whether you want it or not.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jan 2, 2014 16:39:48 GMT -5
Okay, this 54-year-old peri-menopausal woman does NOT need to be seeing absolutely, freaking, adorable, yummy, baby pictures. (<<<<<--------wanders off chanting "two is enough, two is enough, two is enough, two is enough)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 17:12:34 GMT -5
Maybe it helps to remember they don't stay babies ... But grow up and have 'tudes and ideas and styles of their own...
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milee
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Post by milee on Jan 2, 2014 17:20:12 GMT -5
And messy. The little boogers are messy.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jan 2, 2014 17:20:26 GMT -5
Oped, was that pic taken in Romania? Is the older woman a relative?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 17:23:12 GMT -5
Yes. That is their Bonika ( grandmother), my husbands mother.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 17:28:05 GMT -5
Firebird, if you think you may want one, i say definitely go for it. You will not regret having another one but you may end up regretting not having another one. You are still so young, you dont have to make an absolute decision so early. There is no reason for you to think you will have any issues with your next child. I would LOVE to have more but considering my age (37), no desire to rush into anything and my extreme premature birth with my son, realistically, it is very unlikely that i will have another child.
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