I can't decide if I want another baby

[Firebird]

I was just rereading this thread and it's a huge issue for me right now, so rather than resurrect it I'm starting a new one (per request):

"Regret having too many kids?"
notmsnmoney.proboards.com/thread/31046/regret-having-kids?page=1

I didn't start posting until page 7, and what I said there pretty much still stands (edited for space - full original response is still on page 7):

I always wanted more than one kid... but I'm starting to wish I was okay with sticking with just one child, because now I also have strong reasons for wanting to stop at one, which are as follows:

1. Fear of the unknown. I love Babybird. She is a fantastic baby in every way... I feel like there's no way our second kid could be as great as Babybird.

2. Money...  there's no denying kids are expensive - and we haven't even hit the real costs yet.

3. Lifestyle. Like I said, I love Babybird - but I didn't have a real understanding of how much our lives would change.... Part of me is hugely tempted to stop at one kid because that way I only have to deal with the hard, annoying, shitty aspects of each kid stage this one time, and then we're done forever.

This has been a huge issue for me almost since the day we brought Babybird home.  I think about it all the time and I just can't seem to make up my mind.  The thing that weighs heaviest is that I can always change my mind now... but once we start another one, that's it.  No going back.  That scares me, because what if it's the wrong choice? 

I desperately want another baby and also I desperately don't want another baby.  DH and I have tentatively agreed to start trying at the beginning of next year (if I get pregnant on the first try like I did before, the kids would be almost exactly three years apart). 

So we've still got some time left, but not tons.  (We don't want our kids far apart in age - if we're going to do this, we both want to do it soon.) 

How do I decide for sure one way or another, though, when I feel so completely ambivalent about it?  Half of me wants it more than anything and half of me is way too scared to mess up what we have now.  I usually know exactly what I want... I've never felt so torn about anything in my life.

I know we've discussed this subject a lot, but I'm open to new thoughts on the subject.  muttleynfelix, I know you went through a very similar struggle about your second, so I'm especially hoping to hear from you

Sorry for the lengthy post - and standard disclaimer, I can't post from work anymore except for quick one-liners here and there.  Lengthy replies will probably have to wait until Tuesday.

[NoNamePerson]

Well, I can't help you decide since I am an only child of an only child and I have an only child and my son and DIL have no children. Sorta runs in the family 

Just try not to over think it. If in doubt then maybe not. 

[Deleted]

Been there, done this...making a decision. On one hand you have that baby urge (It never went away for me) and you want your one child to have a sibling. I get that and believe your child should have a sibling to grow old with. On the other hand, if you're not 100% committed to the extra work and expense a second baby will create, then that can be a huge problem. What good as a mommy will you be if you can't cope with two kids?

Sorry...no help at all. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

How do I decide for sure one way or another, though, when I feel so completely ambivalent about it?

I changed my mind recently which has floored everyone because I've been pretty adamant that I'm a "one and done" type of gal.

I changed my position when my BFF got pregnant again and my reaction was rather inappropriate (she announced it on Facebook so it's not like she saw/heard me).  I took time to examine why I was so hot under the collar and it turns out I was jealous.

DH is 10 years older than me.  We had a discussion back in the summer about how DH would like me to make up my mind.  I'm only 30 so I have time to waffle.  He's 40 and told me he'd like to be done here in the near future, he's reaching his cut off age.  He was supportive either way he just wanted me to make a decision.  

Money wise I thought about it some more.  Daycare is going to hurt lik a mofo but in the grand scheme of things it's a blip on the screen.   I'm 30, I got 35+ years to go before I retire.   Daycare will only last me 13 years, give or take.  I'm shooting myself in the foot if I make permenant decisions based on a decade or shorter;s worth of time.

We're not going to be finanically ruined if we have another kid anymore than we were when we had the first one.

DH also now has a new job where he makes better money and stands to make more.  The attendence policy is also A LOT less rigid so now he can take on doctor's vists and sick kid duty from time to time.   It's having him on the same hours as me and similar flexibility that opened up my mind on the subject of another kid.  The idea of having to be the only flexible parent for two kids was overwhelming.

I won't lie the idea of a second still scares the poop out of me.  I think it's because now I know what I'm getting into.  I can't walk around in blissful ignorance till we get the first daycare bill.  I already did the math.

But wanting another now outweighs the anxiety so we're doing it.

[shanendoah]

I can't comment on your concerns about money. Only you know your financial picture.

As to issue number one, this is very similar to what my BFF went through, and I am not surprised. Both of you were only children. Her fear was that she could not love two children the same way that she loved one, that the first child would feel resentment when his "love" was split in half and that the second child would never feel as loved as the first one.
Here's the thing, your second child will still be your child. Your world will then revolve around two little suns. And even if child #2 is a harder baby (and some babies are harder than others), you really won't spend all of your time comparing the kids and finding #2 lacking. You will love each of them for their strengths, for their weaknesses, and for the joy they bring to your lives.

Issue number 3 you have complete control over. As it is, you are looking at making a major move to purposely change your lifestyle. Depending on where you move to, that may open possibilities or close them. And once your kids are old enough to be in activities, guess what? You as the parent are the person who gets the final say on what activities they are involved in, and at what level. So you really do control this.

[Firebird]

Jan 2, 2014 11:05:06 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Well, I can't help you decide since I am an only child of an only child and I have an only child and my son and DIL have no children. Sorta runs in the family 

Just try not to over think it. If in doubt then maybe not. 

Sometimes I feel that way- on something this important, better safe than sorry. But then I think of what a great big sister Babybird would be and how much I wanted a sibling and how much fun it is watching Babybird turn into a little person right before my eyes... and I get all mixed up inside again

[Deleted]

Mine are 8 years apart, so no need to rush things. 

There are definitely advantages and disadvantages to having a second, but I can tell you that I had the "perfect" first child too and my second is just as loved and wonderful.  You don't think that's possible when you just have one, but it's true.  Lifestyle?  Well, I guess this would be where having them close together would be good but, I'll have to say I found myself missing the baby/toddler stage when ODS hit 5 or 6.  Money is definitely an issue.  I could never afford a third and would be really stressed out.  Honestly, number two is a stressor right now, but that's for other reasons.  Had I not been separated it wouldn't be a problem.

If you really don't care one way or another, I'd probably stop at one.  Babybird is still really young though.  Baby fever may hit you again in a year or two.

[Firebird]

Regarding money, we can absolutely afford another child. I've always been too anxious about money and I am working on that but I know for sure it can be done if it's what we want. That's not my primary concern.

More responses later... thanks for the ones so far, it's already helping.

[zibazinski]

Mine are rather far apart because that's what I could afford to do daycare wise. That being said, I liked having two. Number one was and still is the perfect child. Number two is getting better but always was and always will be a "handful."  I had them for ME, not for them or anyone else. Thrilled to death that I have one of each, too.

[Deleted]

One thing to consider is you can't give two children the same amount of attention as you can give one. But maybe that isn't a bad thing?

[Firebird]

Oh, one other clarification- I'm not worried about loving a second child as much, it's more that I'm nervous about the possibility of special needs / twins / something else unexpected which could ruin everything. Not that we wouldn't roll with those things, obviously... they just terrify me so much more this time around.

[Deleted]

Jan 2, 2014 11:18:48 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

One thing to consider is you can't give two children the same amount of attention as you can give one. But maybe that isn't a bad thing?

But, they also have each other when there's more than one.  Yeah, they fight, but my kids can play together for hours too.

[Deleted]

It would be different if you didn't feel strongly one way or the other... I'd say it sounds like you are done. But since part of you does desperately want another baby, well...


If I'm just addressing your fears, everybody worries they won't feel the same way about another one... That somehow the love you feel couldn't be duplicated... But almost everyone (I'm sure there is done anomaly) finds these fears unfounded. The new baby may be totally different, but there are lots of ways to be fantastic. 

Lots of baby stuff you already bought, it can be reused. As for lifestyle, yeah... I'd make the decision soon. I wouldn't want to 'start over' after too much time had passed... But 3 more years isn't that long a stretch...

I tend to think kore people regret not having a kid than having one... But that regretting having one would be a more severe regret, with harsher implications... So, I guess that is no help...

Again, this is because you say some part of you desperately wants another... 

I knew I was done when there was no more desperate need in me.  Personally, I think all procreating decisions are selfish... We have them or don't have them because of what we desire. So when I desired other things more, I was done. So long as there was any degree of desperate need in me, I'm not sure I would have been done...

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I had them for ME, not for them or anyone else



A lot of my anxiety over having a second was people pressuring me.  Like my SIL telling me how much damage I'd be doing to  my kid by not having another one.   Or DH constantly telling me he wanted a second.

Then I've shared more than enough about my relationship with my brother for you to get why I don't buy into the notion my kid "needs" a sibling and why I have hang-ups about providing her with one.

My position changed when I finally decided *I* wanted another kid.  No noble goals, no obligations, pure selfish I want one.

Took me three years to come around though.  Won't lie I still have moments where I fear #2 will come out like my brother but I have to accept I can't control that and just because he's jacked up it doesn't mean my kids will be.  I came out normal after all.
 
, it's more that I'm nervous about the possibility of special needs / twins / something else unexpected which could ruin everything.

Well unless something has changed medically for you or DH odds of the above are pretty much the same as before.  This is probably more information overload.

I experience the same thing.  I've BTDT already so while on one hand I'm more relaxed on the other I'm more wired because this time around I know way more than I did the first time.  It's a balancing act.

[mmhmm]

I'd give it a year before I started to really worry about it, Firebird.  Things change rapidly when our wee ones are very young - for them, and for us.  By the end of this year, you may feel very differently.  I would say, however, if you're really, truly not sure at that time you want to have another child, don't do it.  As you're learning, children are a major commitment and your lifestyle changes dramatically.

[The Captain]

DH and I are a one and done.

I know everyone says not to focus on the money issues, but

1.  With only one we know we can save for retirement AND fund college for her.  Much less likely with multiple children, also...

2.  Kids take a LOT of time and energy.  DD gets all of our attention.  There is no stress on how are we going to handle shuttling multiple kids to multiple activities, etc.  Even with only two my SIL had a terrible time managing activities.

3.  Temperament - mine.  I know what I'm capable of and I'm pretty sure only one child is it.

4.  Your feelings about possibly not being able to love a second child as much as the first are not entirely unfounded.  It happens, I've seen it in action, and it's not pretty.

The only time I got conflicted was when my grandfather, mother, and grandmother all passed within 3 years.  Our small family suddenly got much smaller and I wish DD had more family to be around.

Good luck either way with your decision.

[Deleted]

Jan 2, 2014 11:21:07 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Jan 2, 2014 11:18:48 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

One thing to consider is you can't give two children the same amount of attention as you can give one. But maybe that isn't a bad thing?

But, they also have each other when there's more than one.  Yeah, they fight, but my kids can play together for hours too.

Good point. They aren't as demanding of your attention. However, the fighting can cause any parent to want to jump off of a cliff.

[giramomma]

1. Fear of the unknown. I love Babybird. She is a fantastic baby in every way... I feel like there's no way our second kid could be as great as Babybird.

Actually, we said that with #1. Imagine our surprise when #2 came along and we did everything "wrong" and she still slept 12 hours a night by 2-2.5 months. Neither one of my kids went through the terrible 2s. For #1, the terrible 3's lasted for all of a month. Same with #2.  (We didn't get the "normal" baby/toddler experience until we had our third.) So, yes, lightening can strike twice.

You also can't project a good babyhood into being a good toddler, preschooler, etc kid. It's just this stage, just right now.

2. Money... there's no denying kids are expensive - and we haven't even hit the real costs yet.
Yes, but costs can be controlled to some degree. We've done an OK job so far...

3. Lifestyle. Like I said, I love Babybird - but I didn't have a real understanding of how much our lives would change.... Part of me is hugely tempted to stop at one kid because that way I only have to deal with the hard, annoying, shitty aspects of each kid stage this one time, and then we're done forever.

We've really only had to stop one activity since we've had the kids, and that's camping. No, I take that back. DH also chose to stop his volunteer work after we had #2. But, I think he would have stopped anyway, since he was tired of dealing with other kids' parents.  And, he found different ways to volunteer. I also curtailed one of my personal activities, but again, that wasn't until I had #3. I even found time to take classes and get a certificate while working with my two kids..

Here's what I've learned: as long as I'm a good steward of our money, things will be OK financially. Maybe not all perfect, but no one will really experience a lack of something. DH and I won't have to split a can of soup and call that lunch in retirement because that's all we can afford.

For me, the tough part is the emotional aspect of having two kids. I notice that's not on your list.

[sheilaincali]

I never really regretted having just one kid. Technically about 90% of the time I never regretted my decision. BUT there are days here and there where I wonder if we made the right decision.

It's getting worse now that DS is getting older (nearly 16) and will be off to college in 2 1/2 years. We are equal parts excited to be empty nesting it and terrified that we will be sad and lonely with him gone.

I will tell you- my BFF had my nephew 2 years ago (when my niece was 5). She worried about having another one but claims that the minute they brought him home it was like he was always supposed to be part of their family and that now their family feels "Complete". IDK- she can be a bit wishy washy from time to time.  

DS is a great big brother type person and little kids absolutely love him. He gets to be the cool big kid when he babysits or sees his cousins and that's enough for him. When he walks into a room with younger kids they yell "Stevie!!!" and run at him and beg him to play with them.  He is a seasoned pro at babysitting now but is relived when the parents get back home and he can get back to the peace and quiet of our house. We asked him when he was 4 or 5 if he wanted a sibling and his answer was always "No thank you".   We still ask him from time to time and he still says he likes being an only and doesn't want a sibling. 

Poor kid is probably going to marry some girl from a Dugger sized family and end up with a dozen siblings in law.  

[Shooby]

My opinion is that once you have the first baby, you have all the "stuff". Additional siblings after the first one are not so tough. Also, I think that having a sibling can be a wonderful gift for your other child. Yes, I am sure there are tons of stories where sibs never connected blah, blah and of course there are no guarantees. But, the reality is that mom and dad won't live forever and eventually the sibs are your tie to your family roots. And, yes, not ALL, EVERY, ETC case is the same so let me qualify that.

[Deleted]

Have more kids. That is all.

[Sam_2.0]

Please keep breeding! We don't want a real-life play out of Idiocracy Smart, responsible, educated people need to be having more kids!!!

[giramomma]

Jan 2, 2014 11:13:53 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Sometimes I feel that way- on something this important, better safe than sorry. But then I think of what a great big sister Babybird would be and how much I wanted a sibling and how much fun it is watching Babybird turn into a little person right before my eyes... and I get all mixed up inside again

But, how do you know that Babybird is going to make an awesome sister?

Why did you want a sibling? (I'm an only, and wished I would have had a sib. But, really it was because 1) I wanted to do things with people closer to my own age. (I wasn't really encouraged to cultivate peer friendships outside of school. No playdates, no friend birth parties. When I was in HS, I was allowed to bring along a friend on one activity a couple times a year.) and 2) because it would be nice to have someone else go through my upbringing to reinforce the fact that I'm not the crazy one.

I can't state enough, have kids because you want them.

Don't romanticize the sibling relationship, either. It's a crapshoot, and you have to be prepared for that.

[Firebird]

Jan 2, 2014 11:20:57 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Oh, one other clarification- I'm not worried about loving a second child as much, it's more that I'm nervous about the possibility of special needs / twins / something else unexpected which could ruin everything. Not that we wouldn't roll with those things, obviously... they just terrify me so much more this time around.

Reposting in case anyone missed this. I'm quite sure I can love another baby as much as Babybird. That's not the issue for me, it's just fear of bad things happening basically, including the idea that she won't like having a sibling- which of course, there's no way to know and I do realize that.

[Firebird]

You know, I think I just figured out what is making this so hard for me. Ultimately, I want the happiest family unit possible- and for Babybird to have the happiest life possible. And there's really, truly, no way to know in advance whether another baby will make our family better or worse for whatever reason.

There's no way for me to know whether Babybird will enjoy having a sibling or hate it. Whether it will make her life easier or harder.

THAT'S why I'm struggling with this so much! I would absolutely want another baby if I knew for sure Babybird was going to want one as much as I did, but if she'd be fine without one and not feel like she was missing anything, I could be fine with having just her.

BUT THERE'S NO WAY FOR ME TO KNOW THAT.

[Deleted]

I'll get the Delorean for you.

[Firebird]

In other words, I'm upset over my lack of a crystal ball

[Firebird]

Jan 2, 2014 12:00:27 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

I'll get the Delorian for you.

YES PLZ.

[Deleted]

If you think you may want another I would go for it.  I regret only having one.  It isn't all consuming crushing regret or anything, but it is there.  When DD was 1 I wanted another, but we vetoed the idea due to money.  When DD was 2 I wanted another but we vetoed the idea due to money.  By the time we felt comfortable with the money, we felt the window had closed.  DD was too old and we didn't want to start all over again.  I know people do it, but having children with a wide gap (8+ years) just wasn't for us.  

[Sum Dum Gai]

Only children are weird and usually can't relate to people their own age. Like home schooled kids but not as creepy. You need to have at least one more.