NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 2, 2014 12:03:39 GMT -5
I would absolutely want another baby if I knew for sure Babybird was going to want one as much as I did, but if she'd be fine without one and not feel like she was missing anything, I could be fine with having just her.
Even if she could express her feelings to you, IMHO, it's not her call.
I don't hate having a brother. We don't get along right now but I don't hate him. On the flip side my parents don't mind being only children.
It's what we know, there is no way to determine if we'd be happier on the other side. At the end of the day I'm responsible for my own life and my own hapiness, my brother has very little to do with that.
It was my parents choice to have another kid, not mine. I have no right to say whether or not they should have.
And I was 6 when they had him so could have totally given my vote if they wanted but I think they'd agree with me that it's not the other child's place to decide if they have more kids.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jan 2, 2014 12:05:07 GMT -5
I now have this question about #3, so I'm no help. I will say that while dd is a much more difficult baby in every way compared to ds--and we do compare a lot--she is still perfect and precious. If dh and I could have surprises I'd be like that woman who lived in a shoe.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 12:14:19 GMT -5
You know, I think I just figured out what is making this so hard for me. Ultimately, I want the happiest family unit possible- and for Babybird to have the happiest life possible. And there's really, truly, no way to know in advance whether another baby will make our family better or worse for whatever reason. There's no way for me to know whether Babybird will enjoy having a sibling or hate it. Whether it will make her life easier or harder. THAT'S why I'm struggling with this so much! I would absolutely want another baby if I knew for sure Babybird was going to want one as much as I did, but if she'd be fine without one and not feel like she was missing anything, I could be fine with having just her. BUT THERE'S NO WAY FOR ME TO KNOW THAT. You never know this, because even if they never get along, you can't tell how things ultimately positively and negatively impact your development. Even those siblings who aren't our friends can motivate us in positive ways, can teach us valuable lessons... I had a psych professor who once said no two environments are the same, even my twin sister and I were raised in different environments, because I was in her world, and she was in mine. My sister and I were never close. We live on opposite coasts. But I have to say, it's nice to have someone who can relate at least somewhat to my childhood. Someone I can bitch about dad to... Or recall advent traditions with...
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 2, 2014 12:15:38 GMT -5
Oh, one other clarification- I'm not worried about loving a second child as much, it's more that I'm nervous about the possibility of special needs / twins / something else unexpected which could ruin everything. Not that we wouldn't roll with those things, obviously... they just terrify me so much more this time around. Reposting in case anyone missed this. I'm quite sure I can love another baby as much as Babybird. That's not the issue for me, it's just fear of bad things happening basically, including the idea that she won't like having a sibling- which of course, there's no way to know and I do realize that. That's what happened to us. We were facing the possibility of me being in Boston for nearly a year and away from DH and Aly. I would have done it for Aubree, but it would have really impacted Aly and our marriage. Another thing to note is that you never know what life will bring. Unfortunate accidents happen. Children can become paralized or handicapped from terrible events (ever see the Tripp Halstad updates on FB - toddler playing the the back yard and a branch fell on him causing severe injury). The reality is that the chance of those things happening is very, very small. It's good to be aware of it and think through it but I wouldn't put off a major decision because of the what-ifs like that.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jan 2, 2014 12:15:46 GMT -5
Ok Firebird. I was a very ummm... anxious first time mom. I had no instincts and all the books/statistics/etc didn't really apply to DS (the baby that would not sleep). It was so hard. That first year, the not sleeping through the night until 9 months, everything, it was so hard. While, I always wanted to be a mom, it was so hard being one. I didn't get it. The anxiousness slowly went away. I finally admitted that I had some PPD with him and that both DH and I were suffering from depression. So we got ourselves fixed - counseling for me and Prozac for DH. We finally took a leap and said, we do want DS to have a sibling. All of the energy we showered on him, we didn't feel would be healthy long term. Once DD was born, I became a less anxious mom. I suddenly had confidence that I didn't have before. There was a large portion of the year spent in crisis mode and the "mom" part of it, was fine. I felt more confident 11 months ago taking a 1 month old and a 3 year old out in public than I ever did just taking DS out. 3 year old throwing up, DH unable to lift anything over 10 pounds, 1 month old baby (who was over 10 pounds) - I had it. I feel now like I could travel anywhere in the world alone with DS and DD and I would be fine. I didn't even want to go to Walmart with DS alone.
One concern is always how the kids get along. DS was not happy with DD. He didn't want to be a big brother at all. He wouldn't look at her for 2 weeks. He didn't try to touch her for 2.5 weeks. We couldn't get them in a picture together until August and even then it wasn't of them smiling together. It was September when DS started to come around (DD will be 1 on Monday). He would give her a hug (ok, more like a sitting tackle). But then there was that trip to Walmart when they were in the backseat and they started giggling back and forth. And they blow raspberries at each other and I say this was why. There was Saturday when DD was finally feeling better and DS just walked up to her and gave a hug, not a tackle, but a hug.
On your points:
Having kids is scary. There is no doubt about it. I was scared to death about DD's first year. I was like please don't let it be like DS's. There were things that were very similar, but I was different. I was ready and I knew how to ask for help. Plus life itself was so crazy that I didn't have time to focus on the scary. We just had to put one foot in front of the other. If you do things because you are scared, you will never do anything. If you think too much about things, you will never do it. Don't let fear get you. If you want something ... especially something as big as a baby, fear can't be what holds you back. A baby is full of unknowns, but as a parent, you have to navigate that unknown. You will have unknowns with just one. You will have unknowns with 2.
Money sucks. Formula is crazy expensive, but eh. Kids...they are worth it. That hug I talked about earlier .... that is worth any amount of money in the world.
Eh, going from 1 to 2 with the 2nd 3 years after the first isn't a huge lifestyle change. It means a little less room in your car at Christmas. But other that... we weren't even out of diapers with DS yet. So, we had 2 in diapers. It was another year of sleepless nights, yes, but like I said earlier I feel so much more comfortable having 2 kids than just one. I guess I'm a multitasker, so having kids and divided attention actually works better for me. There is still lots of one on one time. Especially with 2 really involved parents. The only thing that I don't like with 2 kids is doing bedtime by myself because my kids go to bed about the same time a lot of nights. But usually there are 2 of us to tag team it. They go to bed early and DH and I give ourselves a high five and say we kept them alive another day. WOOHOO.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 2, 2014 12:19:03 GMT -5
It's definitely a tough decision. I have two. I wanted more. I didn't like who I was having them with, but I couldn't stand the thought of having just one. I couldn't wait any longer to have more (they're four years, 18 days apart). If I'd been in a happy marriage and we could have financially afforded it, I would have had at least four maybe six. When I got remarried, I wanted more but I didn't need more since I had two. DH waffled and waffled and waffled and flip flopped and did some acrobatics and then some sulking. We ended up not having any together because when he went to get his vasectomy reversed, they found cancer. So, I'm just sad about it--if I think I about. I don't think about it unless someone else brings it up. I have my two and got to participate in the last little bit of DH's two. I always knew I needed at least two. I didn't have more because of money. My second is definitely more difficult than my first. Even if #2 was born first, I'd still have had another. Health challenges were not something that affected my decision. I'd have the babies I was meant to have, and you will also. ETA: I thought about how I have phrased this last sentence. I realized it could come across as incredibly hurtful. I absolutely do not mean it that way. I just believe that everyone has different lives and situations occur sometimes through absolutley no fault. I cannot imagine anything I've said is at all helpful, but good luck in the decision making. And have fun practicing.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 2, 2014 12:20:13 GMT -5
I was just rereading this thread and it's a huge issue for me right now, so rather than resurrect it I'm starting a new one (per request): "Regret having too many kids?" notmsnmoney.proboards.com/thread/31046/regret-having-kids?page=1I didn't start posting until page 7, and what I said there pretty much still stands (edited for space - full original response is still on page 7): I always wanted more than one kid... but I'm starting to wish I was okay with sticking with just one child, because now I also have strong reasons for wanting to stop at one, which are as follows:
1. Fear of the unknown. I love Babybird. She is a fantastic baby in every way... I feel like there's no way our second kid could be as great as Babybird.
2. Money... there's no denying kids are expensive - and we haven't even hit the real costs yet.
3. Lifestyle. Like I said, I love Babybird - but I didn't have a real understanding of how much our lives would change.... Part of me is hugely tempted to stop at one kid because that way I only have to deal with the hard, annoying, shitty aspects of each kid stage this one time, and then we're done forever.This has been a huge issue for me almost since the day we brought Babybird home. I think about it all the time and I just can't seem to make up my mind. The thing that weighs heaviest is that I can always change my mind now... but once we start another one, that's it. No going back. That scares me, because what if it's the wrong choice? I desperately want another baby and also I desperately don't want another baby. DH and I have tentatively agreed to start trying at the beginning of next year (if I get pregnant on the first try like I did before, the kids would be almost exactly three years apart). So we've still got some time left, but not tons. (We don't want our kids far apart in age - if we're going to do this, we both want to do it soon.) How do I decide for sure one way or another, though, when I feel so completely ambivalent about it? Half of me wants it more than anything and half of me is way too scared to mess up what we have now. I usually know exactly what I want... I've never felt so torn about anything in my life. I know we've discussed this subject a lot, but I'm open to new thoughts on the subject. muttleynfelix, I know you went through a very similar struggle about your second, so I'm especially hoping to hear from you Sorry for the lengthy post - and standard disclaimer, I can't post from work anymore except for quick one-liners here and there. Lengthy replies will probably have to wait until Tuesday. I haven't had a chance to go through the whole thread, but what strikes me right off the bat is your main reason not to have another baby is fear.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 2, 2014 12:21:55 GMT -5
If dh and I could have surprises I'd be like that woman who lived in a shoe. That's how I feel if I was fertile. If my ovaries worked, I'd think we'd be one of those couples that said "I get pregnant from DH just looking at me.."
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 2, 2014 12:24:03 GMT -5
Oh, and sibling relationships are definitley a crapshoot. I have two sisters. I get along really well with one and have no interest in speaking with the other one.
DH has seven siblings. He gets along really well with two of them. Another one is a druggie, and not many family members talk to him; that brother had been difficult from the onset. DH describes him as "just different from the rest of us". The oldest brother is pretty reclusive but a nice guy. One sister was druggie, lives in a travel trailer with her still druggie husband. She comes to visit, but otherwise not much in common there. One sister has cut everyone off completely. The last brother is such a devout Christian, he cannot associate with us pagans/heathens/agnostics/just good enough Christians. He does visit at gatherings about once every year.
Anyway, there's no telling how that's going to go.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 12:24:13 GMT -5
Come on... who couldn't want this?
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 2, 2014 12:25:46 GMT -5
If dh and I could have surprises I'd be like that woman who lived in a shoe. That's how I feel if I was fertile. If my ovaries worked, I'd think we'd be one of those couples that said "I get pregnant from DH just looking at me.." I feel so guilty that it was so easy for me to get pregnant. The first time was not planned (I was 17 and incredibly naive). The second time, I knew I needed that second one because three years had gone by already. I was pregnant a less than six weeks later. I'm so sorry for the struggles you have both had to go through.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 2, 2014 12:27:02 GMT -5
That's honestly why I've got two, ArchietheDragon. Who wouldn't How's your wife's current pregnancy?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jan 2, 2014 12:28:00 GMT -5
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 2, 2014 12:28:21 GMT -5
Oh my word, Archie, they are so precious!!
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 2, 2014 12:28:52 GMT -5
And yours too, Mutt!!
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 2, 2014 12:30:26 GMT -5
And hugs for you too Sam_2.0. I just cannot fathom all you've been through.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 12:30:49 GMT -5
That's honestly why I've got two, ArchietheDragon. Who wouldn't How's your wife's current pregnancy? So far so good. She is past the nauseous stage. Now she is in the stage where she think she just looks fat and frumpy rather than pregnant.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jan 2, 2014 12:31:41 GMT -5
I have 2 kids 17 months apart. I didn't mean to do that. It sucked when they were babies. It's great now. They're best of friends.
yes, they fight, but unless there is blood, I ignore it. If they keep trying to drag me into it, I tell them that I will settle it for them, and they won't like the outcome.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jan 2, 2014 12:36:36 GMT -5
Yay baby/kid pictures!!!! Everyone should post more!
Firebird one thing I'd say to reflect on is do you want another baby because you have that feeling that you need to have another child, or do you want one because you always swore you wouldn't have an only child? Like everyone has said siblings are crap shoots, and money wise they do get more difficult. This time last year I had ds enrolled in 3 different activities and felt like we could make anything and everything work. Now each kid is in 1 activity and I'm worried about making choices down the road--if we put one in martial arts, will we be able to afford horse back riding lessons type things. Not will we have enough food or love, but I'm realizing that I got to do a lot of things because there was a 9 year age difference between my sister and I, that having kids relatively close together makes more difficult.
And since your folks are a big part of your daycare and life balance, think about how having 2 kids will change that dynamic. My parents are very involved. They see the kids 4 days a week most weeks, but my mom says all the time how she just can't imagine how exhausting 2 small ones are at the same time. They rarely watch both kids if I'm not staying at their house. As much as they would love to have the kids just come and go--and I'm sure that will happen once they're a bit older--they can't quite keep up with both of them for lengthy periods right now. That is something I really take into account when I want to go for #3. I know my decision will affect a lot of people.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jan 2, 2014 12:46:22 GMT -5
OKAY, THE DOUBLE BABY SHOTS ARE SUPER ADORABLE YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY CHEATING Some parents of onlies have to post pics also. It's only fair (Again, substantial replies will have to wait until post-work hours but you will get them.)
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 2, 2014 12:50:18 GMT -5
Well, I don't seem to be skilled enough to upload a video of my crazy children on Christmas Eve. Mine was to show you that they're fun even when they're older.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jan 2, 2014 12:53:03 GMT -5
Mine is to show you that they're fun even when they're older. Mine are now 6 and 7 and there are so much more fun than they were when they were babies/toddlers.
Especially DS who will try anything.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 12:54:56 GMT -5
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 2, 2014 12:56:45 GMT -5
Yay baby/kid pictures!!!! Everyone should post more! Firebird one thing I'd say to reflect on is do you want another baby because you have that feeling that you need to have another child, or do you want one because you always swore you wouldn't have an only child? Like everyone has said siblings are crap shoots, and money wise they do get more difficult. This time last year I had ds enrolled in 3 different activities and felt like we could make anything and everything work. Now each kid is in 1 activity and I'm worried about making choices down the road--if we put one in martial arts, will we be able to afford horse back riding lessons type things. Not will we have enough food or love, but I'm realizing that I got to do a lot of things because there was a 9 year age difference between my sister and I, that having kids relatively close together makes more difficult. We limit our kids to two activities at once. For #1 it's good. I think we might need to do a little more for #2. I've told #3, no activities until kindy (ha ha). We have lucked out. So far, nothing terribly expensive. And we have lots of choices. Like everything else, we spend where it matters and go cheap when it doesn't. DS wants to try basketball. Never played. My choices are a $200 program at the Y where he'll still likely get benched even though its non-competitive or $40 for 6 weeks through the rec department, or $140 for 8 weeks at the local sports place. I told DS we'd start with the rec department, and if he likes it, I'll pony up the $$ so he's ready for basketball next year through the Y. We're doing swimming the rec dept too, for DD. She needs to be able to adequately..Now, we did ballet through the Y and I didn't like the level of training there. So for that and gymnastics, we go to a private studio. DD does well, and it's worth it for me to pay for the expensive version.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 2, 2014 12:56:54 GMT -5
<img alt=" " src="/images/bbcode/video-preview.png" video='<embed width="600" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowFullscreen="true" allowNetworking="all" wmode="transparent" src="http://static.photobucket.com/player.swf" flashvars="file=http%3A%2F%2Fvid33.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd89%2Fjalen_%2FChristmasEveDance_zps7d181e04.mp4">'> Before I post, it shows a lovely little screen with "video will appear here". Heck if it shows up when I actually post it. <img alt=" " src="/images/bbcode/video-preview.png" video=' <embed width="480" height="360" src="http://pic2.pbsrc.com/flash/rss_slideshow.swf" flashvars="rssFeed=http%3A%2F%2Ffeed33.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd89%2Fjalen_%2FProboards%2Ffeed.rss" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" /> '> s33.photobucket.com/user/jalen_/slideshow/Proboardss33.photobucket.com/user/jalen_/slideshow/Proboards
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jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Jan 2, 2014 13:01:20 GMT -5
We only had one. We did have my husbands niece for 4 years of high school when both of her parents were in jail. So I had a 4 year old and a 14 year old all at the same time when I was only 26 myself. I always thought I could do more for one than could for two.
I think having a teen at such a young age was the deciding factor for me as well. They are so much easier when they are little. Of course we had issues because of the broken home she came from. Once she knew she was in a stable environment it got a little easier.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 2, 2014 13:04:08 GMT -5
Dang video. Whatever. </a>'> The baby is my niece.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jan 2, 2014 13:07:03 GMT -5
giramomma - Do you have any places that do Upwards Basketball? Around here it is typically the Baptists that do it, but the Methodist church where DS goes to preschool also does it. It is non-competitive. Each kid has to have equal playing time (it is extremely non-competitive), but it is meant to encourage learning the sport and being a good sport. My boss coached at his church for years. I had never heard of it until I met my boss.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jan 2, 2014 13:16:07 GMT -5
I would love to have another baby, but we are one and done.
It was too hard to get the one we have. DH way too old (much older than your H Fire).
If it were me I'd do it in a heartbeat, but it's a very personal decision.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 13:26:35 GMT -5
Coming from what I went through I say do it. I had two very early at 21 months apart. I knew I wanted one more when I and the kids were a little older. It happened but she was stillborn and I miss her everyday, I want my baby everyday. I am still pissed, angry, hurt etc. It doesn't affect everyday life but I so want my daughter to be living and be with us. As she was a surprise and then DH talked about it and he decided he wanted no more, and his boys were no longer up to the task. It is my one biggest downer everytime I think about it. To have my little girl and I don't.
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