Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 6:47:24 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 15:04:57 GMT -5
wwtpgirl66. I hope you and your kids have an awesome 2014!
|
|
wwtpgirl66
Initiate Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 17:05:40 GMT -5
Posts: 88
|
Post by wwtpgirl66 on Dec 30, 2013 15:13:21 GMT -5
wwtpgirl66. I hope you and your kids have an awesome 2014! Thank you so much @beerwench for the kind words. I see more changes in 2014 but I hope we can only go up from here. Now I am working on a civil and friendly relationship with their father/my ex so my kids can learn respect for people even if they make mistakes and hurt each other. I really want my kids to have a great relationship with their Dad but it may be more than he can handle. We shall see. A very Happy 2014 to you also and everyone else on these boards
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 6:47:24 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 15:17:20 GMT -5
Thank you! And good luck.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Dec 30, 2013 17:50:28 GMT -5
I don't know how you know when it's over...I've never been divorced. I'll echo what some others have said though in saying when you should NOT know it's over. When you have 2 small kids, neither side is abusive, both parties seem to be largely the same people that fell in love, and you just seem to be annoyed with who the other person "is". To me, this screams a lot more liek "we are both completely stressed due to our situation and probably need some help so we don't target the other person for our frustrations in life". You're in a situation which is stressful, and it's a situation which you share with another adult. That's a pretty common time to take out your stress on that person sharing your struggle. Counseling!
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,765
|
Post by thyme4change on Dec 30, 2013 20:10:06 GMT -5
If you feel like you just can't communicate, then counseling is ideal. They will find common ground, and then help you build on that. They will teach you how to talk to each other.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 30, 2013 21:52:18 GMT -5
Rainy - 2 kids under 3 is rough. When DS was 2, I finally acknowledged that I had PPD from him. We were trying for baby number #2 and I realized I have to fix myself. I sought counseling, my hubby also saw a doctor for depression and was/is treated with Prozac. The difference in our life was amazing. We had a god awful 2013, but it had several redeeming qualities: it brought us our DD, we were both mentally healthy and could handle the enormous stress of 2013 in mostly healthy ways, we decided it was time to start living life and do things with our kids and also do some stuff the 2 of us. Find time for you, counseling can help you reach a better way of coping with life and 2 small kids. When I did prenatal yoga after I had been in counseling, I found it incorporated a lot of the same principals in dealing with stress. I have found myself doing yoga on my own to get through the year.
We took the kids camping, we went camping just the 2 of us. We let our friends and family help us. It was amazing just accepting some one else's offer to mow our grass (hubby had back surgery in Feb). It was just one less thing to think about that wears you down.
anyway, try to find someways to keep you. I bought a kindle a year ago and it has saved my sanity because I can do my favorite pastime even with a baby in my arms. Little kids are so physically consuming. It can be hard to recharge.
|
|
ZaireinHD
Senior Associate
Joined: Mar 4, 2011 22:14:27 GMT -5
Posts: 12,407
|
Post by ZaireinHD on Dec 30, 2013 22:57:36 GMT -5
wwtpgirl66. I hope you and your kids have an awesome 2014! getting past the fear of change is awesome Best Wishes wwtpgirl66, you are off to a great start for 2014!!
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,765
|
Post by thyme4change on Dec 31, 2013 0:26:51 GMT -5
As someone who has offered to help and been turned down and someone who has offered to help and it been accepted, I will tell you that it makes the person that is helping you happy too. Especially when it is something concrete. I felt so good when I would cook dinner for my (then) newly widowed friend and her 4 children. I knew it helped them out. I still wonder if the hours and hours and hours I listened to my friend during her divorce actually helped, or just helped her prolong her complaining. Oh well, it always came with wine, so I got mine.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 31, 2013 9:13:45 GMT -5
As someone who has offered to help and been turned down and someone who has offered to help and it been accepted, I will tell you that it makes the person that is helping you happy too. Especially when it is something concrete. I felt so good when I would cook dinner for my (then) newly widowed friend and her 4 children. I knew it helped them out. I still wonder if the hours and hours and hours I listened to my friend during her divorce actually helped, or just helped her prolong her complaining. Oh well, it always came with wine, so I got mine. We didn't exactly accept graciously at first. It took about 2 Sundays of hubby not coming to church because he hurt so bad after mowing the grass that our friend just showed up and started doing it. Some day, we will be able to return the favor I hope.
|
|
violagirl
Familiar Member
Joined: Aug 17, 2011 11:04:54 GMT -5
Posts: 703
|
Post by violagirl on Dec 31, 2013 13:15:08 GMT -5
I was just reading an article about disappointments with marriage. It said why it happens - daily routines, unexpected problems cause strain, differences that were once merely annoying are now intolerable, emotionally distant because of build up of unresolved issues, unrealistic expectations (soulmate etc) and then reality hits. Things to do - focus on your spouses's good qualities. Write down 3 positive qualities and regularly refer to your list, plan special time together like when you were dating, discuss your feelings - talk calmly, do not resort to silent treatment, discern difference between your feelings and your spouses intentions. Be realistic in your expectations.
I think everyone who has been married for awhile goes through periods of ups and downs. I find that the media/social expectation is to think the euphoria of first love is going to last forever. It doesn't. What does last is friendship, genuine caring. Whenever I think my spouse is being annoying, I try to list all the annoying things I do, then I decide he maybe has a right to do some annoying things the same as i have the right to be annoying in my own way.
We are opposites in many ways and as annoying at the moment as that is, when we both compromise to meet in the middle, we come to some very balanced, reasonable decisions. But usually at the moment when I have my idea and he has his - it can be hard to back down and see the other point of view. I'm the optimist, he's the pessimist. He worries over everything and while I dont' see the point, that is his way of doing things. He says he worries because no one else does. I don't worry about things I cannot control. He thinks he can control everything. He is never going to be different so I accept he is the way he is. I also realize that my laid back attitude is a mystery to him as much as his controllingness is a mystery to me. We've been together 15 years, I still dont' have him figured out, but I am more patient about our differences than I used to be.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Dec 31, 2013 13:36:25 GMT -5
2 kids both under 3 is a crazy time.... I'd go with counseling. For yourself if not for you both. I was here just last year. I was also angry a lot, but not at DH, just at life in general (and a lot of it stemmed from my job). (You see, I was fortunate in that a had a few xBF's before I met DH that were a-holes and put me through hell. It was excruciating at the time, but now that the everyday drudgery of life is so hard, I can recognize that it has nothing to do with DH, and he actually makes my life hugely better in so many different ways.) The babies/toddlers are so cute, but so exhausting, exasperating, etc. all at the same time. Since we have very little family support with them, we are basically putting our lives on hold until they get bigger. Since DS1 has gotten completely potty trained, life has gotten easier. As he gets more and more independent, it gets incrementally easier. I know I will miss the cuteness of DS2's babyhood, but I know our lives will be so much easier as he gets bigger as well. Along with counseling, I would suggest one day a week--every week-- where you do something just for yourself, and your DH is in charge of the homefront.
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on Dec 31, 2013 14:36:38 GMT -5
How do you know when it's over? I would say, when neither one of you is willing to fight for it anymore.
When my parents divorced, it was because "my mom didn't love my dad enough to stay married to him anymore". That's what we were told as kids. I have since added another line to that, which reads "and my dad didn't love my mom enough to fight for the marriage anymore". My parents' divorce wasn't anyone's fault. There were no drugs or alcohol. No abuse, no cheating. Just two people who had reached middle age and were too tired to fight for the relationship anymore.
My father had wanted a divorce a few years earlier, during his midlife crisis. At that time, my mom didn't want a divorce; she wanted to stay married, and she fought for the relationship. When he said, "I want a divorce. Go see a lawyer." She said "No. Let's go see a marriage counselor. Let's take a couples massage class."
When my mother had her mid-life crisis and said "I want a divorce." My father said "Move out."
I see your situation as a lot like theirs was (though I was a tween and my brother a teen). No one was at fault. They were both just tired of fighting for it.
So to me, that's how you know it's over.
|
|
Gardening Grandma
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:39:46 GMT -5
Posts: 17,962
|
Post by Gardening Grandma on Dec 31, 2013 15:17:43 GMT -5
I was just reading an article about disappointments with marriage. It said why it happens - daily routines, unexpected problems cause strain, differences that were once merely annoying are now intolerable, emotionally distant because of build up of unresolved issues, unrealistic expectations (soulmate etc) and then reality hits. Things to do - focus on your spouses's good qualities. Write down 3 positive qualities and regularly refer to your list, plan special time together like when you were dating, discuss your feelings - talk calmly, do not resort to silent treatment, discern difference between your feelings and your spouses intentions. Be realistic in your expectations. I think everyone who has been married for awhile goes through periods of ups and downs. I find that the media/social expectation is to think the euphoria of first love is going to last forever. It doesn't. What does last is friendship, genuine caring. Whenever I think my spouse is being annoying, I try to list all the annoying things I do, then I decide he maybe has a right to do some annoying things the same as i have the right to be annoying in my own way. We are opposites in many ways and as annoying at the moment as that is, when we both compromise to meet in the middle, we come to some very balanced, reasonable decisions. But usually at the moment when I have my idea and he has his - it can be hard to back down and see the other point of view. I'm the optimist, he's the pessimist. He worries over everything and while I dont' see the point, that is his way of doing things. He says he worries because no one else does. I don't worry about things I cannot control. He thinks he can control everything. He is never going to be different so I accept he is the way he is. I also realize that my laid back attitude is a mystery to him as much as his controllingness is a mystery to me. We've been together 15 years, I still dont' have him figured out, but I am more patient about our differences than I used to be. These are pretty wise observations. Sometimes DH annoys me to the point I start imaginng a life solo. Then I think about the qualities that attracted me to him in the first place. He still does have those qualities. (And the truth is I would miss him terribly -annoyances and all).
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 6:47:24 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2013 23:36:12 GMT -5
When sex is down to less than 5 times a week, it is over.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,765
|
Post by thyme4change on Jan 1, 2014 14:37:06 GMT -5
When sex is down to less than 5 times a week, it is over.
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on Jan 1, 2014 18:05:18 GMT -5
When sex is down to less than 5 times a week, it is over.
Well then that's 99.9% of all the marriages out there.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 2, 2014 11:16:37 GMT -5
Rainy Sounds like you are doing some good soul searching. I don't have much to add since it's not clear exactly where your anger issues stem from. But as a mama with 2 babies, you need to make sure you get time for yourself, etched out, every day and every week. Put it on your calendar and on your H's calendar. Even if it's just an hour having lunch with friends or 10 minutes to take a walk around the block alone. Whatever it is that helps you recharge, make sure you get that time for YOU and nobody else. This. When I was just starting my therapy, one of the suggestions was to play my favorite CD in the car. And take 5-10 minutes on the way home to just be alone in the car, with the music I wanted on. My commute is only about 10 minutes so it wasn't really adding much to it. And the kid pickups didn't usually have a deadline either. What I realized the other day is I hate our house. I walk in the house and I'm often filled with anger. There's so much that needs to be done, so much crap that needs to be tossed. So many mittens, scarfs, hats and boots by the back door. And I'm taking some of that anger out on DH and the kids.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 21,561
|
Post by happyhoix on Jan 2, 2014 11:50:28 GMT -5
I agree with the people suggesting the two young kids are a big part of this. I've been married 30 years, and the most stressful years were when DS was a baby, and both DH and I worked full time. There were many times I felt like I wasn't cut out to be a wife and mom. I also have a glass half empty attitude, which didn't help. However, I would imagine what life would be like on my own, and knew it would be even more stressful being a single parent and working mom. I slogged through it, and I have to say, life improved significantly as DS got older and more independent. I would say now, with DS grown and out of the house, that this is probably the best our marriage has ever been. There is something to be said for having a life partner who has shared all the highs and lows of your life, and knows all the best and worst parts about you. It's not the same as the heady, romantic first rush of love you experience in a new relationship, but IMHO, it's better. So I cast my vote with going for counseling. Figure out what you need to do to deal with your stress (I need at least 30 minutes on the treadmill daily to keep calm) and enlist your DH to help you work that into your daily routine (maybe it means he takes over dealing with the kids for a few hours every Saturday so you can go to pottery class, or do a five mile run, or whatever). He sounds like a good husband and a good dad, and I would hate for you to throw that away because he's annoying - face it, we're all annoying at times
|
|
Knee Deep in Water Chloe
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
Posts: 14,248
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1980e6
|
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 2, 2014 12:34:47 GMT -5
Rainy Sounds like you are doing some good soul searching. I don't have much to add since it's not clear exactly where your anger issues stem from. But as a mama with 2 babies, you need to make sure you get time for yourself, etched out, every day and every week. Put it on your calendar and on your H's calendar. Even if it's just an hour having lunch with friends or 10 minutes to take a walk around the block alone. Whatever it is that helps you recharge, make sure you get that time for YOU and nobody else. This. When I was just starting my therapy, one of the suggestions was to play my favorite CD in the car. And take 5-10 minutes on the way home to just be alone in the car, with the music I wanted on. My commute is only about 10 minutes so it wasn't really adding much to it. And the kid pickups didn't usually have a deadline either. What I realized the other day is I hate our house. I walk in the house and I'm often filled with anger. There's so much that needs to be done, so much crap that needs to be tossed. So many mittens, scarfs, hats and boots by the back door. And I'm taking some of that anger out on DH and the kids. I know this sounds SOOOOOOOO materialistic, but the reality is where I live is incredibly important to me. I choose quite specifically to spend a crapload of my money on housing & its location. It is my financial downfall, as has been discussed here many times. However, the reality is I am much happier overall when I enjoy my living situation. I guess my point is, I completely and utterly empathize, Beth, and I hope you're able to find peace with your current house and/or a different solution soon. Rainy, have you looked into finding an individual counselor yet? More hugs for you!
|
|
cktc
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 19, 2013 22:15:31 GMT -5
Posts: 3,202
|
Post by cktc on Jan 2, 2014 15:53:25 GMT -5
You will know when you are done. It doesn’t sound like you are there.
Please don’t take offense, but this sounds more like personal unhappiness than marital unhappiness. Individual counseling can help, and if it doesn’t, you will be better equipped to tackle the marital issues.
If you like to read, there is a book “Attached” that really helped me understand how personal issues were manifesting themselves in my relationships. I’m anxious, my ex was avoidant, and my current SO is secure. Being with someone who is secure is better for me, but it is a struggle learning how to understand someone who is secure and trying to be that way myself.
Do you know secure people aren’t afraid to do things they want, ask for things they want, and assume good intent in others and want them to be happy? Really foreign to me. If I asked my ex to spend more time with me at a party he would have told me I was clingy, and I would try to be less “clingy,” quit asking, and be lonely instead. My SO will gladly spend more time with me, but I still have to ask. He isn’t automatically intuitive to all my needs because it wouldn’t cross his mind to be afraid of asking. I shouldn’t be either. In a healthy relationship it is okay to look out for your own best interest (within reason) and take care of your partners when they ask (again within reason). At least that is what I’m striving for in my own relationship.
Goodluck! In any case, it is really good that you guys are talking about these things.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 6:47:24 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2014 14:13:32 GMT -5
IMO when you "nothing" the other person - you don't love/hate them: you feel a flat, neutral way about them.
|
|
bean29
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 22:26:57 GMT -5
Posts: 10,201
|
Post by bean29 on Jan 3, 2014 15:02:00 GMT -5
I guess I am on my way there too. I really don't like my husband anymore. I often don't voice my wants or needs b/c I don't feel he really cares or wants to hear what I want/like - he only wants me to validate his opinion. If I don't agree with him he gets really mad. This weekend we were running and errand and he was driving and giving me advice on how to drive - honestly I have been driving more than 30 years, if I haven't figured it out yet, I shouldn't be driving. We went somewhere for NY eve, and on our way home he asked me to call DD and tell her we would pick her up ( it was snowing) - I chose to text her rather than call b/c she was in a movie theater. I accidntally texted my son instead of DD so I am texting him to ignore my text, and DH goes balistic that he told me to f'in call my DD and I should call her now. No words of expanation were acceptable I should just do whatever he wants when he wants it. DH likes taxidermy - I find it revolting. He brought something home from visting his brother, I let it be known I did not consider it something that should be displayed in my house. Soon his brother visited and brought us at least 3 more dead animals to display. One was given away but we still have at least 5 in the house. I hate them, he knows this. He does not care. He claimed his brother just brought them to him, but then I found out he paid for them. This weekend we bought 2 sofa tables to dispay his prize animals. I put them on the CC - and I should not have, but DH does not want to hear what I think he only wants me to agree with whatever he wants. My Dad is in the hospital, a medical professional came in and gave their opinion and said they would order more tests the next day. They left and DH proceeded to tell my Mother that that person was wrong and she should not listen to them. I was like, so now you have a BS or more likely MS in X medial profession? My Mom and her friends have a friend that filed for divorce after 50 years. They were shoked , I am like more power to you. I was friends with one of their kids and I am pretty shure he is very controlling too. I can not immagine facing retirement with DH - a long weekend was almost more than I could handle with him. DH told DS and I that he went out to lunch with his assistant on NY eve. DS just kind of turned around a looked at me. I just did not have it in me to care. I sometimes find that the more time I spend with DH the less I want to be around him so I did not even bother to comment on it.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 3, 2014 15:16:44 GMT -5
I'm sorry bean.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 8, 2024 6:47:24 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2014 15:17:21 GMT -5
Me too. I wouldn't want to live like that either.
|
|
bean29
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 22:26:57 GMT -5
Posts: 10,201
|
Post by bean29 on Jan 3, 2014 15:36:44 GMT -5
I pretty much quit caring when he told me if I did not kick DS out of the house if he did not break up with his GF of several years (over something she did DH took insult to) he was going to divorce me. I told him he was a nut case and he needed to see a shrink. I told him that if he wanted to file for divorce he could go right a head and do so but I was not going to kick DS out of the house.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 3, 2014 15:38:06 GMT -5
Good for you.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Jan 3, 2014 16:01:41 GMT -5
I pretty much quit caring when he told me if I did not kick DS out of the house if he did not break up with his GF of several years (over something she did DH took insult to) he was going to divorce me. I told him he was a nut case and he needed to see a shrink. I told him that if he wanted to file for divorce he could go right a head and do so but I was not going to kick DS out of the house. ? I think I've missed your backstory. I'm sorry. He sounds like an ass of the first degree.
|
|
bean29
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 22:26:57 GMT -5
Posts: 10,201
|
Post by bean29 on Jan 3, 2014 16:09:01 GMT -5
I pretty much quit caring when he told me if I did not kick DS out of the house if he did not break up with his GF of several years (over something she did DH took insult to) he was going to divorce me. I told him he was a nut case and he needed to see a shrink. I told him that if he wanted to file for divorce he could go right a head and do so but I was not going to kick DS out of the house. ? I think I've missed your backstory. I'm sorry. He sounds like an ass of the first degree. He can be super nice to people outside the family, (it usually costs the family budget some $$ though) then these people tell me what a gem of a guy I got.
|
|
Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
|
Post by Chocolate Lover on Jan 3, 2014 16:13:52 GMT -5
? I think I've missed your backstory. I'm sorry. He sounds like an ass of the first degree. He can be super nice to people outside the family, (it usually costs the family budget some $$ though) then these people tell me what a gem of a guy I got. Offer to let them keep him
|
|
taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,934
|
Post by taz157 on Jan 3, 2014 16:20:34 GMT -5
He can be super nice to people outside the family, (it usually costs the family budget some $$ though) then these people tell me what a gem of a guy I got. Offer to let them keep him Bean - I'm sorry about your DH.
|
|