Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Dec 28, 2013 23:00:22 GMT -5
I just got back home from the in laws. Mr Rainyday and I talked through most of the ride home.
I do have issues that go beyond half glass full and empty.
Thank you for all your comments. Wr have been having problems for a while.
I suggested counseling about a year ago. We agreed, and it was his responsibility to find one. He never did. I guess I should have, but then life got in the way.
Our problems aren't new. I have some major anger issues. The husband doesn't do anything bad. He works, takes care of the kids, do chores and all the right stuff. So do I for what it's worth.
There is no dirty laundry to air. If I actually got into the details of what the things that piss me off about him or even the event that made me realized that I couldn't live like this anymore, you guys would tear me apart for being a biatch or crazy.
I've got some thinking to do. thanks again.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 28, 2013 23:04:32 GMT -5
Anger can be a symptom of depression. I had PPD that got kind of out of control because I wouldn't admit there was a problem.
Not saying that's what's going on with you but please consider it.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 28, 2013 23:07:31 GMT -5
It sounds like you do have married a decent guy but are just going through some issues. I would think long and hard before you give up what you have. My husband does stuff that pisses me off and I'm sure I do stuff that pisses him off. But most things can be worked through if you are both committed.
I was separated a few years ago and would have divorced if not for my kids. My youngest took our separation especially hard and as a mom, that rocked me. I had to take a step back from the situation to see not only his faults (I had a laundry list :-p) but also my own. I realized that we just simply drifted apart. There was none of the usual deal breakers (cheating, abuse, etx). With a lot of soul searching , we found our way back to each other. We still have ups and downs but I think that is normal.
Best of luck to you
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justme
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Post by justme on Dec 28, 2013 23:17:13 GMT -5
Sounds like individual counseling might be a good idea for you too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2013 23:35:26 GMT -5
From what you described, I definitely wouldn't call it "over". It really does sound like more of a slump than anything.
Honestly, if I were you, I'd start individual counseling. Even before attempting couples counseling. It does sound like you may have some depression going on and if that's the case you should get that under control first.
edit: LOL I just realized I said "If I were you". I should have been in counseling a year ago, but haven't yet. Do as I say, not as I do!
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 28, 2013 23:39:52 GMT -5
Hugs, again. I'm glad you talked to him. That's certainly a positive step. I was quite the bitch in my first marriage--no question about it. It's one of the reasons I had to get divorced. There was no possible way for me to be respectful anymore. If I had ever loved my XH, I would have gone to counseling both individually and together. But, for me, I knew I wasn't going to love him because I never had. That combined with our completely different life philosophies gave me what I felt like was no choice but for us to go on our separate ways. So, again, if you did or do love him, definitely work on this. Regardless, It sounds like you need individual counseling to find your center. I urge you to seek that out. Take care of yourself. Having two babies in three years is a life-altering event for you physically and in how you function as a person. It's a huge adjustment. It's okay to take time to adjust, but that only works if one realizes an adjustment must happen.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 28, 2013 23:41:11 GMT -5
From what you described, I definitely wouldn't call it "over". It really does sound like more of a slump than anything. Honestly, if I were you, I'd start individual counseling. Even before attempting couples counseling. It does sound like you may have some depression going on and if that's the case you should get that under control first. edit: LOL I just realized I said "If I were you". I should have been in counseling a year ago, but haven't yet. Do as I say, not as I do! LOL! Get in there, lady! I know you've said that your income isn't that high. Do you have insurance that will cover it?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2013 0:23:25 GMT -5
From what you described, I definitely wouldn't call it "over". It really does sound like more of a slump than anything. Honestly, if I were you, I'd start individual counseling. Even before attempting couples counseling. It does sound like you may have some depression going on and if that's the case you should get that under control first. edit: LOL I just realized I said "If I were you". I should have been in counseling a year ago, but haven't yet. Do as I say, not as I do! LOL! Get in there, lady! I know you've said that your income isn't that high. Do you have insurance that will cover it? I do have insurance that would cover it except for the copay, but right now even that seems like a lot of money.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Dec 29, 2013 7:52:03 GMT -5
Oh my.....being a single parent with two little kids is no bowl of cherries....Its damned hard.
You could meet someone else but there is always issues surrounding children from another marriage.....and he and his family will never love them like your husband does.
I think you sound like you are in a bit of an exhausting rut. Set new goals for yourself, meet new friends, take up some interests...get a better job
Then when you are feeling better in yourself..... take another look at the marriage.
My husband was childish and irresponsible. The last straw came when he emptied our bank account, took my car, got drunk with his mates and spent all night speeding on the motorway. I was putting his laundry in the drawers....then just automatically put it in to suitcases instead, left it on the drive and bolted the doors. There was nothing emotional about it...I knew I'd had enough and there was no going back.
It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near this point yet.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2013 8:59:01 GMT -5
There is no dirty laundry to air. If I actually got into the details of what the things that piss me off about him or even the event that made me realized that I couldn't live like this anymore, you guys would tear me apart for being a biatch or crazy. My old boss used to say there were. 3 issues that broke up marriages: sex, money and squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle. The last one, of course, was generally a symptom of deeper issues . I hope you do get counseling because if you don't, your anger issues are likely to affect your mothering and any future relationships.
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vonna
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Post by vonna on Dec 29, 2013 10:09:30 GMT -5
rainyday,
Give yourself some credit for being real with yourself, and not just taking the easy way out by blaming your DH. I believe that is what many do!
I think it is HUGE that you recognize you need to work on yourself. That is the hardest step for most people to take.
Best of luck, and don't drop your momentum!!
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 29, 2013 10:19:53 GMT -5
Rainyday, in 13 years of marriage the one thing I have understood is that when there is no specific reason for me getting pissed at my DH, then its usually "me" that needs a bit of changing. life gets overwhelming at times and those are the times I start snapping at DH. But a bit of introspection usually tells me that its my attitude thats causing most issues. i strongly suggest you step back, introspect, and talk to your DH. He might not even be aware whats causing you all the pain and anger. One time when I was mad at DH for something he looked at me and told me: "i am on your side, you know. Why are you trying to alienate me? If we can't fix it together then nobody can". I eas so taken aback by his words. He truly was on my side, I just wasn't seeing it, I was too focused on small stuff, not paying attention to the bigger ones.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 29, 2013 10:59:23 GMT -5
Rainyday, in 13 years of marriage the one thing I have understood is that when there is no specific reason for me getting pissed at my DH, then its usually "me" that needs a bit of changing. life gets overwhelming at times and those are the times I start snapping at DH. But a bit of introspection usually tells me that its my attitude thats causing most issues. i strongly suggest you step back, introspect, and talk to your DH. He might not even be aware whats causing you all the pain and anger. One time when I was mad at DH for something he looked at me and told me: "i am on your side, you know. Why are you trying to alienate me? If we can't fix it together then nobody can". I eas so taken aback by his words. He truly was on my side, I just wasn't seeing it, I was too focused on small stuff, not paying attention to the bigger ones. DH and I went through a very difficult period. A lot of life changes, stress, home, kids, jobs, etc. We just literally turned on each other. And, we did go to counseling when we were on the verge of divorce. And, in reality we just used our "good selves" during the day at work and where nicer to strangers than we were to each other. So, we took a step back and realized we are both on the same TEAM! And, as long as there is some willingness on both of your parts to work together for a happier marriage, you can do it! We started by shutting out the noise of the world. Part of it is blocking that out and really take time to focus on each other and yourselves and your own family. And, part of it is realizing that your spouse does NOT have to be the version of your choosing but allowing your spouse to truly be who he/she is and vice versa and giving each other space to be who you both are. And, with kids, you just have to let some things go. Do you want a home that is pleasant and relaxing and fun and peaceful? If so, maybe that requires stepping back a bit on the illusion that one's home must be in pristine condition at all times. Sometimes you have to just let some things on the back burner. You simply cannot do it all and don't expect that your spouse can either. When all is said and done, will the world end if you leave the dishes in the sink tonight or whatever. Some of that stuff just doesn't matter. And, as the kids start walking and talking, enlist their help in the chores. Taking care of the home is the job of the family. It is everyone's responsibility to work together to take care of the home. And, tonight, while your spouse is sleeping, take a look at him. What if he was no longer sleeping by your side? What if tonight your kids are not sleeping in your home? Those are very real scenarios. So, I think you really have something worth fighting for. Don't give up. You CAN turn this around.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 29, 2013 11:07:52 GMT -5
Reading this thread, I'm amazed at how many of us have gone through serious marital issues. When you are going through it, you feel like you are the only one. I have no idea if it helps the OP, but I hope seeing that many if us have gone through it with our marriages in fact will help
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 29, 2013 11:35:27 GMT -5
I realize this is true for many people, but it is absolutely not true for us. My XH did not and does not have much interest in our children. My DH is a great father, and he does phenomenal job being a partner with me to raise my kids. My older daughter is quite clear that DH is her dad, and she only reluctantly goes to XH's. My younger one is still trying to give XH the benefit of the doubt because she has a much kinder heart, but his excuses and ridiculousness is starting to wear on her.
I do not mean any encouragement to rainyday to end her marriage, I just don't think that blanket statement should stand uncommented upon.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Dec 29, 2013 11:38:26 GMT -5
Several posters have brought up depression. Does depression run in your family?
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Dec 29, 2013 11:56:29 GMT -5
My husband and I had such a good conversation in the car that it gave me hope, but I also know that we've had good conversations in the past where it seemed that we came to some understanding. We've been doing this for some time now, but we always end up in the same place again. @athena I think that IF my marriage ends, it would because of the damn toothpaste squeezed in the middle. Which he does by the way. In other threads, someone mentioned that I might have PPD. I was dismissive, but considering how many times it has been mentioned, I'm going to have to consider it. The peanut gallery is often more right than wrong from my experience. My anger issues date from before the children though. The origins of my issues are well known by myself and any one who has ever been close to me. DH knew about that before we got married. I held nothing back. I know that I'm not an easy pill to swallow. I come with a lot of emotional baggage. We came into this marriage with our eyes open. However, I think that we underestimated how much it would wear us down along with the daily grind, the two kids, etc... In a nutshell, I get pissed off about his absent mindedness, which I interrupt as thoughtlessness and lack of consideration for myself and our children. He gets pissed off, because he just made a "little mistake" and he's human, and what is the big deal? Why do I have to make such a big mountain out of a molehill, etc... (See, I told you our problems weren't sexy. But I don't have the words to even begin to describe how much it wears us down the constant bickering.) And then, it's that every word or every action somehow becomes imbued with all this signification that isn't there! I say something innocent, and all of sudden, I'm attacked because I'm obviously being snarky and bitchy. He feels like that he needs to walk around on eggshells every second of the day because he never knows when I'm going to go off. And I feel like that I don't matter, that our entire lives centre around his work and family (his original family, mom, dad, and siblings). I moved here to Canada, to the middle of nowhere, where my work is doing something I don't want to do. I feel like that I earned the right to be selfish in our relationship, and he thinks that's not right and that we both sacrificed and made concessions. Even typing this out makes me cringe! It's so typical. We are typical. But the problem is truly serious. We haven't had sex in like a year. To be fair, the last month or two of my pregnancy, there was no desire whatsoever. In addition, I had another emergency c-section (failed VBAC) with the accompanying recovery time. So let's take out 3 months out of that sex-less year to be fair. That leaves you with 9 months of no sex. I initiated, and he would decline. The thing that set me off btw was a Christmas party for his extended family. It was extremely adult oriented, but our presence was 'required.'The baby was tired. There was nowhere to put him down. We were badly prepared. I had to go down in the basement and hold the baby while he slept. My DH was upstairs with every one drinking and laughing and eating. It takes the entire family 4 hours to eat the hors d'oeuvres. Three hours to eat dinner, and then there's a break of two hours, and then it's dessert. Who eats that long? I got to eat nothing. I missed everything. And three hours later, he checked up on me, and he saw my face and saw that he fucked up big time. He tried to make it up. Too much, too late. btw no one noticed that I was missing. Yes to counselling. yes to individual counselling. Yes to couples' counselling.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 29, 2013 12:10:43 GMT -5
"In a nutshell, I get pissed off about his absent mindedness, which I interrupt as thoughtlessness and lack of consideration for myself and our children. He gets pissed off, because he just made a "little mistake" and he's human, and what is the big deal? Why do I have to make such a big mountain out of a molehill, etc"
We had similar issues. I took his forgetfulness as passive aggressive behavior. He took my direct approach as nagging, etc. This was a BIG issue. But what is happening is that you are BOTH imparting all kinds of "motive" for behavior. Motive that truly may not be there. And, the motives you are ascribing to each are the of the worst sort. He forgot because he is being a lazy jerk. She is a bitch who is on my ass all the time, blah, blah. This really is not an uncommon scenario. Take a step back. Is your partner REALLY trying to hurt you, get one over on you, make your life unpleasant? And, are you trying to do likewise when he thinks the same thing? Start by removing "motive" from your thoughts. How about "he forgot to pick up the milk simply because he forgot to pick up the milk'? People forget things. Some people have better memories. I used to remember literally everything. Then, after I almost died and was in DIC and then subsequently contracted Lyme's disease, I can't remember jackshite. So, there are times I truly do forget! So, your approach to life is not his approach to life. My point is to have a sit down and explain to him how his forgetfulness makes you feel. And, that when he doesn't pick up the milk, that really increases your stress level in the home, etc. When DH finally understood these things he really then did try to make more of an effort in that direction. For your spouse, to him it is no big deal liteally. And, his no big deal view is just as valid as your view as well. Approach your marriage as a team of 2 people working together. And, honestly you need a healthy dose of forgiveness every day in your marriage and to step back and thing about the positive things about your spouse. Otherwise the negatives of the day soon take over.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 29, 2013 13:16:59 GMT -5
a) go for counseling b) explore PPD or depression - even if you think it isn't. It won't take that long to see a doctor and talk about it, so it might be worth an hour or so out of your life. If that isn't it - consider it as wasted as watching yet another re-run of Property Brothers (or whatever.) Those don't add a whole lot of value to your life either. So, meh.
c) This may not relate to your situation at all, but I came fully loaded with a short temper and crushing anger. One day, I decided I was not going to be angry any more. Every time I started to get angry I would deep breathe or think about puppies, or try to reason through the other side, or whatever. Sounds full-on feel-goodiery bullshit. Believe me - I was only trying it as an experiment to prove to myself that indeed, I am who I am and I can't help how I feel. I spent 6 months actively halting my anger - at work and at home. But, alas - although those bullshit people who write those bullshit books about how you can make your destiny...they were right. Not that I'm a total bright sunny person who never gets worked up, but now I save it for truly aggravating situations (and a few that aren't really reasonable at all - but hey - a girl has to have a hobby!) Being in a bad mood becomes a habit, and habits are a bitch to change. But, being in a good mood can also become a habit. You are doing yourself a lot of damage, just as if you were smoking, or overeating, or cutting yourself, or whatever. Try to break your addiction to the anger. Even if you still divorce your husband - not being angry will make your life better. You think divorcing your husband will solve your anger - not even close. In fact, you likely will just get more angry. Angry that you don't have the kids tonight, angry that he moved on, angry that his new wife has bigger boobs than you, angry that your financial situation isn't easy, angry that you MIL tells your kids that you have problems, angry that the minute you said you would get the kids a puppy, your ex went out and got one first. You will never escape the anger unless you resolve to escape the habit of anger. It takes a lot of work. I hope you can find help.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 29, 2013 13:21:27 GMT -5
My husband would forget his head if it wasn't attached. Ad I've told him how it makes me feel. It still doesn't change the fact that he forgets.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2013 13:56:39 GMT -5
Honey, while the Christmas party story made me cringe, your husband doesn't have ESP. Yeah, he should have checked on you but did you ever come up and ASK him to bring you a plate of food, to stay with the baby while you visited, etc? Sometimes your partner needs instructions. Sitting there for hors and fuming wasn't good for anybody. Tell him what would make a bad situation better and give him a chance to do something.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 29, 2013 14:00:25 GMT -5
Rainyday - I would absolutely seek counselling. Also, you had a baby what, 9 months ago? I know it's your second, so you know how it goes, but I wanted to kill DH 23.6 out of every 24 hours for the first year of DD's life. Everything that you're talking about - the sniping, the eggshells, the little things that get crazy, him putting himself ahead of me and DD. Literally everything that you said would become a huge deal. Now that DD is 18 months, life is a little rosier. I sleep, for one thing. That first year is hell. I wouldn't throw the towel in here.
That said, him forgetting you in the basement for 3 hours was pretty a f*ing crappy move.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 29, 2013 14:05:26 GMT -5
Also, when things are good between you and your spouse, you can have better decision making about your children. I know you said it was "required" but if you and he were on the same page, you could have drawn him asides and said "Baby needs to go home - can you get a ride home, or do you want to come with me?" It would have made sense, instead of being thought of as some passive aggressive move against his family.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2013 14:15:31 GMT -5
Dear OP, Welcome to marriage life . They never said it was easy and your marriage is far from terrible. You said it yourself: you are typical, everything about your marriage is typical. Funny thing is the little shits in marriage life that gets to you. Wishing you the best of luck! Definitely try counseling but don't expect it to fix everything overnight. It takes work... Lots and lots of work to the point you ask yourself: it shouldn't be this hard, it should be like the movies where everything just magically falls into place. Yep, I have yet to run into a married couple that I want to model my marriage after where everything just fell right into place like magic. It takes work... Lots of lots of work. It takes work to not take your spouse for granted Remind them they are important Make them feel important Tell them you love them Keep reminding them that you love them My wife and I are exact opposites; she needs me to always remind her that I love her, that I still desire her and I still think she is beautiful. While I do not need her to do that for me so why should she expect that from me? 10 years later and 5 years as a married couple I still remind myself to tell my wife she looked beautiful. I think it but I hardly say it, I need to say it, she needs to hear it. I use to think the fact that I was there, no slipping around with no ties to stick around (aka kids) should be proof that I love her and I want to be there. To me her doing the same is proof enough and I never ask for extra showing of affection but she is not me. She had different needs than I and I needed to recognize it and work around it. Again Good luck!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2013 14:22:11 GMT -5
The neighbors get into big fights some times and husband and I would ask ourselves when we stopped doing that, because we used to... Angry, me throwing things even kind of fights... Well, it was all during the time when the kids were at that age, there was too much going on all the time, we were constantly at the edge... And we hadn't learned how to communicate as well maybe, or ignore as well maybe... Anyway, I don't want to minimize, but having two kids those ages is going to be crazy.
I think the counselor will help in lots of ways. Have you asked your husband about the sex thing. I know it can be embarrassing, but this is your partner. Maybe he doesn't realize how him shooting you down can impact your security and esteem...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2013 14:27:40 GMT -5
I think the counselor will help in lots of ways. Have you asked your husband about the sex thing. I know it can be embarrassing, but this is your partner. Maybe he doesn't realize how him shooting you down can impact your security and esteem... What my wife does (a bit R rated) which has limited be shutting her down even if I am pissed is start playing with it/massaging it. Basically laying in bed or sofa watching TV and you let your hand drop down there, browse around, cup a feel, a few strokes etc. Once it it up because of the attention; it is kinda hard for the person to say no. Initiating by kissing or just offering you can still get shut down... Just take control and turn him on; too late to say no. Or buy some handcuff and handcuff him to the bed; who cares if he gets his as long as your get yours
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2013 15:11:12 GMT -5
Suggest that he try the following as foreplay: "honey, you look like you need a break. I'll clean up the dinner dishes and get the kids to bed. You take a bubble bath."
Seriously- your body has been sliced open twice. You probably are sleep- deprived. It's pretty hard to feel sexy under those conditions.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 29, 2013 15:16:01 GMT -5
Suggest that he try the following as foreplay: "honey, you look like you need a break. I'll clean up the dinner dishes and get the kids to bed. You take a bubble bath." Seriously- your body has been sliced open twice. You probably are sleep- deprived. It's pretty hard to feel sexy under those conditions.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Dec 29, 2013 15:22:22 GMT -5
still attracted. I still care for him and I'm so angry that I don't know if my feelings are being clouded. Sometimes I do want to meet someone but It's very I wish someone can take me away from all this crap feeling. but I wouldn't ever. I am angry. some of it is him, some of it is just me. My general state is half empty. I never saw it as bad and it never made me unhappy. It just became an issue when someone kept telling me my way was bad. Married 5 years. together 7. two children. both under 3. Why are you so angry? Are you angry with Dh, or are you angry about something else and Dh is just the unlucky recipient of that anger? You don't have to answer, but if you don't know, you need to figure it out. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 29, 2013 15:28:08 GMT -5
My husband would forget his head if it wasn't attached. Ad I've told him how it makes me feel. It still doesn't change the fact that he forgets. OK? And, you recognize that is who he is or do you just assume he is doing it to piss you off? That is my point. Ascribing motives.
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