swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 29, 2013 15:30:19 GMT -5
My husband would forget his head if it wasn't attached. Ad I've told him how it makes me feel. It still doesn't change the fact that he forgets. OK? And, you recognize that is who he is or do you just assume he is doing it to piss you off? That is my point. Ascribing motives. He's not doing it to me to annoy me. It's just him. It's still annoying. And makes me angry.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 29, 2013 15:42:17 GMT -5
OK? And, you recognize that is who he is or do you just assume he is doing it to piss you off? That is my point. Ascribing motives. He's not doing it to me to annoy me. It's just him. It's still annoying. And makes me angry. Well, then file for divorce.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 29, 2013 15:53:34 GMT -5
I have so been where you are. The view from there is terrible. *hugs*
I don't know if this will help but, when I was at a calm spot trying to figure out what to do, I set a time line that I was going to just go through the motions. I didn't want the back and forth crap between dh and I to be what did us in, and I wanted to know that I had tried everything I was capable of to make it work (for petty reasons but still).
So I'd buy him a card, send him cheesy song lyrics, do little things for him that I knew he appreciated. I didn't lie to him or lead him to think things were ok because I still couldn't imagine staying with him, but I just decided to try a little harder. That certainly wasn't the thing that fixed us, and seriously getting the kid to 2 was our saving grace, but I at least stopped hurting us so we had space to see if we could fix things.
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 29, 2013 16:10:06 GMT -5
He's not doing it to me to annoy me. It's just him. It's still annoying. And makes me angry. Well, then file for divorce. That would be a stupid reason to divorce. When you love someone, you are going to get angry at them sometimes. My choice what to do with that anger. And tossing away a 10 year marriage over something like that isn't a good idea.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 29, 2013 16:35:51 GMT -5
If everyone divorced annoying people, my husband would have been gone long ago. Like, probably on the honeymoon.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 29, 2013 16:54:30 GMT -5
LOL!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 29, 2013 17:18:31 GMT -5
My husband and I btdt with the party. Many times.
What finally helped, is we'd go through my expectations beforehand. I tried to pick a calmer time, rather than as we are running out the door, 10 minutes late, and quick brushing our kids hair on the way out so they didn't look like they just woke up.
Eventually DH got that he couldn't just go hang out with his friends/family, even at my expense, and leave me to man the parties we were throwing.
I also had to learn that DH wasn't solely responsible for making me happy at parties that I went to that were "required" by his side of the family.
My third has been a most difficult child. We do not participate in events that will make us "pay" for it later. I know it sucks that we are one of "those" parents. But, at the end of the day, we (the parents) are the ones that have to live with the behavior of our kids. Not extended family.
We've gone through (and are currently going through ) some dry spells in our sex life. My DH turned me down, alot, at one point. Even when I was on fertility meds to try to get pregnant. There were a couple of reasons for he choices-and my behavior was one of them. I myself am the one saying no now. I'm not interested in making myself vulnerable and experiencing intimacy at that level. There's absolutely nothing my DH can do to persuade me. I need to decide for myself that that sort of emotional intimacy is OK.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Dec 29, 2013 18:21:03 GMT -5
when is it over? after you have put the time into the relationship and realize:
the bad times and moments start to build up more than the good times waking up next to the person and wanting to get away, or not wanting to go home wanting NOT wishing to spend more time apart this person doesn't get you to smile, chuckle, or laugh, or doesn't find your jokes funny the arguments and disagreements build and happen more often you have to constantly tell this person what to do, and makes you feel like it's your responsibility to give direction like to a child
when is it over - when just looking at this person gets on your fuck'n nerves!
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quince
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Post by quince on Dec 29, 2013 22:48:56 GMT -5
I think it's over when you feel like you would be happier without someone than you are with them.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 30, 2013 7:04:43 GMT -5
I think it's over when you feel like you would be happier without someone than you are with them. I don't know. I think there are times when you might feel that way, but in reality if that happens you may find that not to be true.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 8:03:22 GMT -5
Are you communicating? If not, you haven't really tried everything so it isn't time yet. People tend to let things build up inside until they feel they are at the end. Make sure you are putting everything on the table and make sure what you want is reasonable. Using your best friends as sounding boards is counterproductive, most will just back your side to your detriment. Get a 3rd party opinion.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 30, 2013 8:28:55 GMT -5
I think it's over when you feel like you would be happier without someone than you are with them. I don't know. I think there are times when you might feel that way, but in reality if that happens you may find that not to be true. I think every marriage in the world would end in divorce if everyone acted on leaving because you feel like you would be happier without them. I think people need to put in a significant effort to change themselves and change their marriage if it isn't going right. If you really put yourself out there and both of you are still unhappy, then maybe start considering what life will really look like outside the marriage. But, I've met several people who say they didn't work hard enough to save their marriage and they really regret not giving it a better effort. Even if they have moved on to happier pastures, they still feel like they should have done more (or at least something.) Don't regret leaving. Make sure you really want to leave.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 30, 2013 10:38:56 GMT -5
I think it's over when you feel like you would be happier without someone than you are with them. I don't entirely disagree, but I know I felt like this A LOT, but we did come back from it. If we hadn't had kids I never would have bothered, but we did, and knowing us we'd both need to see the kids every day which meant we'd live close to each other and have to deal with each other. We'll never be the same as we were before which is sad. But we aren't in a bad place either.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 30, 2013 10:56:16 GMT -5
I think it's when you can't come up with a reason to fight for it anymore.
DH and I have had times in our 5 years of marriage where we've been on what felt like the brink of divorce but each time we determined to stay together.
Him falling off the wagon darn near had me signing the papers. On top of that he relapsed a mere three months after Gwen was born.
I had to do A LOT of soul searching. One reason we worked it out was Gwen because even if I divorced him unless he went off the deep end he'd still be a part of Gwen's life. Then we've been together as a couple for 10 years, I knew about his addiction issues pretty much from the start so while it was a huge monkey wrench thrown into our lives it wasn't as big a shock as I guess it should have been.
I weighed the fact that until that moment he'd spent over 10 years sober. I weighed the entire scope of our relationship against it. I weighed the fact that he confessed and wanted help.
We chose to work it out. It wasn't easy but, IMO, it was worth it. Even though nobody would have blamed me if I left and I've had people inform me I was stupid for not doing so.
DH is also my polar opposite in just about every way imaginable. We joke that we should sign up for eHarmony and bet it wouldn't match us up. There are days when I want to strangle him and I'm sure he feels the same way.
At the end of the day though like WWBG said we balance each other. I was with another glass empty person before DH and it was HORRIBLE, we fed off each other's negativity. It was a really dysfunctional relationship. I need DH's oblivious butt in order to keep me from going insane.
In turn DH admits he'd be up a creek without a paddle if I wasn't around to put the breaks on.
Before you say anything to DH or get counseling you need to do some deep soul searching to see what YOU want. Gira is right that marital counseling is worthless if you don't know what you want to get out of it. I went alone a few times so I could have someone neutral to sort my thoughts out with. That really helped because then I could better articulate what I wanted to DH and form a plan on how to get there.
We're not the same people we were, nor is our marriage but we're happy and committed to each other and that's all that matters to me.
ETA: part of what we learned in marital counseling is how to work together in a marriage. YM is right that my life would be a lot smoother if DH and I were more similar. Our therapist said the same thing, when you marry your opposite you have a lot more work to do than if you're with someone on the same wavelength.
We had to forge a completely new path I won't lie there are times when we squabble over things because we are opposites and it can be difficult to see the other's point of view. But in general after having attended some counseling sessions together things are a lot more harmonious between us.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Dec 30, 2013 11:07:39 GMT -5
I do think that a glass half empty person (such as myself) needs a glass half full person to balance them out. Even though it annoys the hell out of me at times. I have a coworker who is also glass half empty. Just the two of us playing off each other in a work environment, it gets pretty depressing pretty quickly. I can't imagine being married to someone like that. We'd bring each other down quickly!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 30, 2013 11:57:08 GMT -5
ETA: part of what we learned in marital counseling is how to work together in a marriage. YM is right that my life would be a lot smoother if DH and I were more similar. Our therapist said the same thing, when you marry your opposite you have a lot more work to do than if you're with someone on the same wavelength. This made me think of something else. I had to learn that DH was being thoughtful of me, even I didn't recognize his behavior as such. It's sort of love-language-esque, but not really. If you subscribe to the whole love languages theory, then my outlook won't help. In my marriage, I had to recognize that no matter what, DH wasn't always going to speak to my love languages. So, I had to learn to recognize the small gestures he DID make and be appreciative for them. Remembering these also softened me a little when DH acts like a numb-nuts. I've found for myself, this approach works better than being upset that DH rarely speaks in my language. When he has, though, it makes them all that much more important. We're not the same people we were, nor is our marriage but we're happy and committed to each other and that's all that matters to me.
The first part made me think of something else, too, about not being the same people. Honestly, I find it to be really exciting and a very positive thing. But, I grew up in a home where change was frowned upon. Sure, there was talk about personal growth and all that. But, really, it was all talk. Keeping the status quo was much more important, because then my dysfunctional home life systems could keep on going. I'm raising my kids in a different way, to know that changing ourselves can be a good thing.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Dec 30, 2013 12:21:04 GMT -5
Rainy
Sounds like you are doing some good soul searching. I don't have much to add since it's not clear exactly where your anger issues stem from. But as a mama with 2 babies, you need to make sure you get time for yourself, etched out, every day and every week. Put it on your calendar and on your H's calendar. Even if it's just an hour having lunch with friends or 10 minutes to take a walk around the block alone. Whatever it is that helps you recharge, make sure you get that time for YOU and nobody else.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 12:43:24 GMT -5
honey, you had another baby? Congrats.
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aliciar6
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Post by aliciar6 on Dec 30, 2013 13:01:41 GMT -5
From experience I knew it was over when vacations were better without him, when I was jealous my friend was getting divorced, when I tried to volunteer to stay in a combat zone for another year so I didn't have to see him, when I was just happier when he wasn't around, when I was on travel etc.
when I was home, I would I hide upstairs and pray he'd just stay in front of the TV playing PS3 and leave me alone, when I wanted every other guy on the planet except him.
when you can look at him and say "my life sucks so bad with you, that I don't even want you in the same state as me" that would be a good indicator.
also when you know there is absolutely nothing they could do that will make you consider staying.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Dec 30, 2013 13:04:03 GMT -5
funny thing is that my husband and I are very similar.
We are responsible to a fault, conscientious, conservative, introverts pretending to be extroverts; we have the same humor. we can be both pretentious and arrogant. we have very similar tastes in most everything except music.
Our inability to understand each other is that I had a completely, and I mean, completely, fucked up childhood. And he had a completely happy one. I can't understand why any one would want to spend time with their family. I am able to intellectually understand why. I just don't get it at a gut level. I am suspicious of every one and their motives. He trusts blindly.
The more you back me into a corner in an argument, the more I obstinately refuse to concede, and he loves playing devil's advocate, so he will push and push. It's pathological my need to have the last word in an argument.
Some of our problems come from cultural differences andlanguage differences. I speak a standard version of our common language, and he speaks a regional version. So an example to illustrate in English would be the word, "boot." I think he's referring to footwear, and he'll be referring to the trunk of his car.
sometimes, it can result in major misunderstandings. not with that word, but with others.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Dec 30, 2013 13:16:07 GMT -5
If everyone divorced annoying people, my husband would have been gone long ago. Like, probably on the honeymoon. LOL! In our case, I would have been the one gone. I was the forgetful one and the thoughtless one. Hubs let me know it bothered him, but I didn't put enough emphasis on his feelings to change my behavior. While we lived overseas with household help and pretty much no responsibilities other than breathing and getting to work, it wasn't a major issue. Once we returned to the states, however, it was a problem. I worked nights. One evening, I got up, got dressed and came into the living room ready to eat dinner and go to work. There was no dinner. Hubs was sitting on the couch watching sports on TV. I asked: "Where's dinner?" He looked up at me with his most engaging smile and said: "I forgot." Then, he returned to watching TV. I just stood there for a minute before I burst out laughing. He'd made his point. I went to work hungry (stopped and grabbed a hamburger on the way, if the truth be known) but the lesson took. I learned. It was a darned shame I had to learn that way, but it has certainly stuck! While my behavior had never been purposeful, it wasn't acceptable. I had to change it because nobody else could. Marriage is a two-way street, but each side is responsible for their own driving.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 30, 2013 13:21:19 GMT -5
To me it doesn't sound like you have anything that can't be worked around. A therapist, which should be a nutral third party (if not find a new one!) can help you bridge the communication gaps.
DH and I are wired differently from each other, having a "translator" in the room really helped. I'll still never think like DH and vice versa but we've come to a point where we can understand each other and hash out the issue.
It's so Dr. Phil but it works, ask yourself what your dealbreakers are? Are any of the things you listed a dealbreak for you? If they are, probably time to go. If not you should ask yourself if you can work thru them.
Our theapist also said having a kid is like setting off a landmine in your living room. You know the explosion is coming but you still need to deal with the aftermath. During that time crap that normally wouldn't even make your radar is going to become an all out war and feel like a divorce worthy issue.
We have one toddler and have those days. That's when I go back to my dealbreaker checklist and ask myself if this is really an issue or am I exhausted because my kid has been coughing in my face all night due to croup?
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Dec 30, 2013 13:37:22 GMT -5
honey, you had another baby? Congrats. Sorry, no, I wish! Rainy is a 'mama with 2 babies'. The subject wasn't clear in my post. Apologies.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 30, 2013 13:55:38 GMT -5
Our inability to understand each other is that I had a completely, and I mean, completely, fucked up childhood. And he had a completely happy one. I can't understand why any one would want to spend time with their family. I am able to intellectually understand why. I just don't get it at a gut level. I am suspicious of every one and their motives. He trusts blindly. I don't get why my DH chose to be an addict. Oh, I understand I get addiction, the desire to self medicate, dh's choices for using what he did to get high. But, I'm still like addiction. WTF? Why not choose the million other things you could have chosen to cope with life? I had to let.it.go. Surrender to the fact there are things that I will not understand at a gut level. If I try to understand it at a gut level, I end up doing this: . I don't particularly enjoy doing that. So I don't do it anymore. As for the trust issues, neither one of you is right, IMVHO. Is your H's blind trust leading him to make poor decisions that are directly negatively affecting you? I would very humbly suggest you carve out time to work on yourself. My kids were my motivating factor. I mean, I really didn't care about moving from being a dysfunctional person to a functional one. But, man, when I held my baby girl for the first time, I swore that I would make myself healthy. I knew I can't give my kids everything, but on my side of the family, they'll be the first emotionally healthy generation in 4 generations. I'd die inside if my kids made the same choices as me: unknowingly marrying an addict because I was seeking out the same dysfunctional systems that I grew up with.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Dec 30, 2013 14:00:25 GMT -5
Lot's of good advice in here. I only have a few thoughts.
The holidays are very stressful for most folks, that coupled with a lack of sunlight (shorter days) is likely to push many (myself included) to the edge.
I know I get in a funk every year from December through the end of February. I try not to make major decisions during that time because of it.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 30, 2013 14:01:25 GMT -5
funny thing is that my husband and I are very similar. We are responsible to a fault, conscientious, conservative, introverts pretending to be extroverts; we have the same humor. we can be both pretentious and arrogant. we have very similar tastes in most everything except music. Our inability to understand each other is that I had a completely, and I mean, completely, fucked up childhood. And he had a completely happy one. I can't understand why any one would want to spend time with their family. I am able to intellectually understand why. I just don't get it at a gut level. I am suspicious of every one and their motives. He trusts blindly.The more you back me into a corner in an argument, the more I obstinately refuse to concede, and he loves playing devil's advocate, so he will push and push. It's pathological my need to have the last word in an argument. Some of our problems come from cultural differences andlanguage differences. I speak a standard version of our common language, and he speaks a regional version. So an example to illustrate in English would be the word, "boot." I think he's referring to footwear, and he'll be referring to the trunk of his car. sometimes, it can result in major misunderstandings. not with that word, but with others. Then you both need to sit down, discuss and find a happy medium path. You are both right in your own way based on your own experiences. What you both are NOT right about is expecting your spouse to do things as per YOUR expectations. Let him go visit family as many as times he wants to go. You don't have to go every single time. Similarly, the moment he starts backing you in a corner, tell him to stop, to STOP RIGHT THEN. You both need to take a step back before you it starts becoming too much of an argument.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 30, 2013 14:02:24 GMT -5
I am suspicious of every one and their motives. He trusts blindly
So would you be happier with someone who is just as suspicious and mistrusting as you are? Would you be happier without him and his blind trust in your life?
That's the kinda soul searching you need to do.
DH can drive me insane but I've been with someone who is a lot like me. It wasn't pleasant. I'd rather beat my head on the wall while basking in DH's look on life than live under a dark cloud of reinfoced negativity.
I can't picture my life without him. I want him in my life far more than I want him and his quirks out of it.
So we've worked thru it. His quirks can still drive me up a wall but I deal with it since it's my problem.
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Dec 30, 2013 14:19:59 GMT -5
I am suspicious of every one and their motives. He trusts blindly
So would you be happier with someone who is just as suspicious and mistrusting as you are? DH can drive me insane but I've been with someone who is a lot like me. It wasn't pleasant. I'd rather beat my head on the wall while basking in DH's look on life than live under a dark cloud of reinfoced negativity. I never really "saw" this before. This was eXH and I. He ended up being in -tinfoil-territory where as I came from a distressed childhood. Together, we had a dark, ugly view of the world and eventually each other. Definitely reinforced negativity.
I'm still pretty much glad half empty, but have always expected that it's up to me to fill it the rest of the way. DH had always been glass more than half full and we balance each other out nicely. Luckily I had kids with DH2 and not eXH.
The years when our kids were toddlers were in some ways joyful but in many ways excruciating. I'm glad we muddled through because now our kids are older and we are finding our way back to the reasons we got together in the first place.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 14:53:48 GMT -5
Some of our problems come from cultural differences andlanguage differences. I speak a standard version of our common language, and he speaks a regional version. So an example to illustrate in English would be the word, "boot." I think he's referring to footwear, and he'll be referring to the trunk of his car. sometimes, it can result in major misunderstandings. not with that word, but with others. Unacceptable. Get out of that marriage NOW. And by that I mean, work on your marriage with a counselor.
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wwtpgirl66
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Post by wwtpgirl66 on Dec 30, 2013 14:59:34 GMT -5
I have been very interested in reading everyone's posts and replies to the OP. I usually don't post and most always just lurk but I felt I might actually have something to add. In this year only, I have been through so much personal crap that sometimes I don't know how the hell I have made it. I'm not sure I have. Ending a marriage is a very personal choice and should never be entered into lightly. I ended a 27 year relationship in April 2013 (9 years married) because I just was done. I was not in love with him anymore and to be frank, I wasn't even in like with him either. Some famous person said the reason to tell when a marriage is over is when you have no more anger towards the other person and can leave knowing you did everything you could. Granted my kids are older 12 and 17 but they are so much happier. But it is HARD to do it alone. No sugar coating it. It took me being willing to lose everything except my kids and dignity to leave but it was right.
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