when do you know it's over?

[Sunnyday]

What do you do when you think that your marriage is over?

How do you know?

You make each miserable.
There is no violence, no drugs, nothing that says, "go get a divorce."

All there is "irreconcilable difference" of character and perspectives.

I feel like such a fool.

We are the exact same people that we were when we married. Wr still have the same life goals.

But the thing is I'm a glass is half empty person and he is a glass half full person. And it's the daily drudge that gets us. We chafe at how each other sees the world.

I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being angry.

[Happy prose]

When you wake up and realize you just can't do it anymore. How long are you married?

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

For me, it was going back to the reason we got married in the first place. The reality was, I didn't have a good reason for getting married. I knew at the time I shouldn't have done it. I didn't ever love him. I, however, had children involved, so it took me another three years from "dear goodness, I cannot stay in this marriage" to "It is time to end this now." 

My children were unhappy also, and they knew--even though we all cried a lot--that it was going to be better just the three of us. 

If it's just a life philosophy difference, can you to go to counseling to help understand each others POV?

But most of all, I suppose, do you love him/her?

[Deleted]

Can you see a marriage counselor? They might help you come to terms with whether it is the end or not. 

Sorry you are going through a rough time...

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I knew my marriage was over when I started thinking I wanted to meet someone...



I try to not acknowledge that one, but that was a big part of my process also. 
I mean no offense to anyone one way or any other with that statement. I am only speaking for myself, my choices. 

[Deleted]

You might want to try counseling. DH and I frequently see things from different angles, but we cheerfully acknowledge that the truth is somewhere on the middle. Our basic values, though- when to spend and when to save, when we needed to address issues with DS when DS was finding his way, etc. are pretty similar. We're even the same religion.

If you're angry all the time it could be something bigger- maybe a clash on important issues, or even thing that have little to do with your husband but need to be addressed.

[steph08]

rainy - don't you have an infant (I might be confusing you with someone else - if so, sorry!)? Are you suffering from some sort of PPD? Are you two having a hard time adjusting from life pre-baby to life post-baby? Perhaps counseling?

Our marriage was tough when my DH was in a job that he absolutely hated. He was miserable. He wouldn't do anything when he got home from work; he was depressed and it just wasn't a fun time. I know you were looking for a new job. Perhaps your anger/misery at your job is spilling over into your marriage as well?  Once DH got a new job, he was a much happier person.

[tloonya]

Dec 28, 2013 13:18:11 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

What do you do when you think that your marriage is over?

How do you know?

You make each miserable.
There is no violence, no drugs, nothing that says, "go get a divorce."

All there is "irreconcilable difference" of character and perspectives.

I feel like such a fool.

We are the exact same people that we were when we married. Wr still have the same life goals.

But the thing is I'm a glass is half empty person and he is a glass half full person. And it's the daily drudge that gets us. We chafe at how each other sees the world.

I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being angry.

I'm a glass is half empty person and he is a glass half full person.

I have it opposite. I am full angry glass. And sometimes (a lot times actually) I want to smack him.

And we have no money. That's making it sucks even more. However I am always liking the way he looks and admiring his ass in new jeans. Do you still feel attracted to him? That is the question...

[Sunnyday]

still attracted. I still care for him and I'm so angry that I don't know if my feelings are being clouded.

Sometimes I do want to meet someone but It's very I wish someone can take me away from all this crap feeling. but I wouldn't ever.

I am angry. some of it is him, some of it is just me.

My general state is half empty. I never saw it as bad and it never made me unhappy. It just
became an issue when someone kept telling me my way was bad.

Married 5 years. together 7.

two children. both under 3.

[Deleted]

2 kids both under 3 is a crazy time.... I'd go with counseling. For yourself if not for you both. 

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"But the thing is I'm a glass is half empty person and he is a glass half full person. And it's the daily drudge that gets us. We chafe at how each other sees the world.":::...

I'm betting that the "daily drudge" gets a lot of people.  It is very hard to remember the love when gloomy clouds like chores, and time crunches, and work, and bills overshadow everything.

Those contrasting viewpoints sometimes NEED each other, and can sometimes bring the best of both to the relationship.  Those damn optimists sometimes need a realist to remind them that their incredibly optimistic idea is not as easy to do as it is to say.  And the pessimists can often stand to be reminded that sometimes dreaming big (eyes on the prize type) can lift them out of the doldrums of focusing on "reality".

A question I have is: do you "work" together when you are out of your normal routine?  If so, perhaps there is something to salvage; and you could focus on fixing whatever stressers in everyday life get you down.  But if your vacations are a clone of your home life, just in a different setting, then yeah... maybe you just aren't happy.

I suppose it could also take a little time apart to get "back to basics" and see what happens.  If you separate and end up missing the good things, then maybe you'll want to work on it.  If you separate and you feel like a huge burden has been lifted... yeah, then maybe divorce is better for both of you.

...:::"I have it opposite. I am full angry glass.":::...

[swamp]

Dec 28, 2013 14:42:55 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

still attracted. I still care for him and I'm so angry that I don't know if my feelings are being clouded.

Sometimes I do want to meet someone but It's very I wish someone can take me away from all this crap feeling. but I wouldn't ever.

I am angry. some of it is him, some of it is just me.

My general state is half empty. I never saw it as bad and it never made me unhappy. It just
became an issue when someone kept telling me my way was bad.

Married 5 years. together 7.

two children. both under 3.

I was there. I was angry. And exhausted. And I was sure it was over. It got better. And I hired a cleaning lady.  Now I'm not as angry about chores.  

[Deleted]

When you come to realize that you are better off without him than with him.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Woah, nellie! Two kids under three is a huge Huge HUGE life change. 
It sounds more like the two of you need to get used to having two kids first rather than think about a separation. 

I would definitely go to counseling if you are interested in keeping the marriage in tact. If you aren't, I'd go to counseling to learn how to co-parent. Co-parenting is damned difficult. Will your health insurance cover counseling? Aren't you in Canada? It's different for insurance there, right?

More hugs!!!

[busymom]

I agree with trying counseling.  And definitely go by yourself if he won't go with you.  I think some of the rougher years in a marriage are before your kids are school age. Especially if your DH is working a lot of hours, & you're the one responsible for all the chaos with the kids.

DH and I ARE polar opposites on some things. But for us, it works as a strength. Also, he's one of the few people who can make me laugh when life is throwing a lot of stuff my way. Also, DH can lean on me too when the world is throwing a lot of stuff his way.

Whatever you decide, best wishes to you & your kids.

[milee]

Dec 28, 2013 16:09:04 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

When you come to realize that you are better off without him than with him.

Sometimes true, but maybe not for people that think the glass is always half empty.  Not disagreeing necessarily, just pointing out that for people who are pessimistic by nature, they may tend to feel things are not good just as part of their normal attitude, not because of anything wrong with the relationship.

[Peace Of Mind]

Dec 28, 2013 14:42:55 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

still attracted. I still care for him and I'm so angry that I don't know if my feelings are being clouded.

Sometimes I do want to meet someone but It's very I wish someone can take me away from all this crap feeling. but I wouldn't ever.

I am angry. some of it is him, some of it is just me.

My general state is half empty. I never saw it as bad and it never made me unhappy. It just
became an issue when someone kept telling me my way was bad.

Married 5 years. together 7.

two children. both under 3.

If you are still attracted to him and still care for him there is hope since you mentioned there were no deal breakers in your OP.

Yes, you could meet someone else, however, you will just be angry at a whole set of other problems with that person and they could be even worse than the ones you have now.

You are most likely overwhelmed, over worked, and over tired.  I also suggest you talk all this out with a professional to work out your feelings.  I hate to say this to somebody going through a rough time but these problems are yours and leaving your DH most likely will only add to them since your kids, job, responsibilities, etc. won't be gone if he is.  Try to hang in there through this very exhausting time frame (the holidays) until you sort it all out. I would hate to see you make a mistake and regret your choices later.

Good luck!

[Gardening Grandma]

Dec 28, 2013 14:46:12 GMT -5 oped said:

2 kids both under 3 is a crazy time.... I'd go with counseling. For yourself if not for you both. 

Absolutely.  Going through a divorce with kids that young is hell.  Mine were 2 and 5 when I divorced their father.  But he was mentally ill and physically abusive - I felt I had no choice.

Based on your post, I'd sure try counseling first.

I'm a "glass half full" type married to a "glass half empty" type. I think we balance each other out.

[vonna]

No further advice to add, but 

[Deleted]

Dec 28, 2013 13:18:11 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

But the thing is I'm a glass is half empty person

Look on the bright side.   Oh wait.  You don't have a bright side.

[Deleted]

I knew when I started daydreaming about him dying, not me killing him but him dying and being gone. Apparently that is fairly common. For you though, with 2 kids under 3 and being a pessimist I would suspect you are depressed. You should see someone for that. There is nothing worse than changing something big to improve your life and then discovering that was never the problem.

[Shooby]

Rainy - I strongly suggest you take Oped's advice and please go see a marriage counselor. Do NOT take advice from an anonymous message board! Yes, people here want to support you. But, often "support" often becomes dogpiling your spouse and telling you what a big meanie he is, etc. And, maybe he is or isn't. I don't know and neither does anyone else. But, this can become a way to fan the flames of discontent. Not saying there aren't pearls of wisdom here. But, you really need to think long and hard.
And, if you do divorce, can you BEAR the thought of not tucking in your children to bed 3 nights a week? Or having some holidays without them? Or a new woman (step mom) being in the picture. Those are very real realities that you need to ponder.
Is your hubby basically a good guy and maybe you both just lost your way? Do not give up until you have explored counseling. THEN you can talk with an objective 3rd party who will help you gain insight and then you can decide what way to go. That is my 2 cents.

[swamp]

I don't think anyone said anything bad about Mr. rainy day. 

[Deleted]

No, but as soon as she tells us why she's angry we're going to dogpile. Him being a glass half full kind of person translates to him spending too much or taking on some kind of crazy debt or quitting his job. Her being a glass half empty kind of person means she wants to do stuff the YM way. We are one excuse away from blasting him.

[giramomma]

I'm sorry.

I knew our marriage would have been over if/when there's no desire for change...if the status quo was good enough or letting our situation get worse was acceptable.

Now, luckily, DH and I both wanted change. Above all, remaining married to each other was really important to us.

We are still fundamentally the same people that we were when we were married. But, we both committed to change some key behaviors that would have lead to us divorcing.

I dunno. Our marriage has been through the wringer (and we were only married 5 years at that point.) I still have work to do on myself, as I know some of my current behaviors are likely affecting my DH.

But, because I think we've seen everything ugly about each other early on, there had to be some real acceptance of who we are as people. My DH is really polar opposite of me. We are the same faith (but don't see eye to eye on it) and have the same parenting and money styles. That's it..

I would take one step before marriage counseling. I'm betting 10 bucks that YOUR well is dry. If your well is dry, don't bother with marriage counseling yet, as you'll have nothing to give. Try to start nurturing yourself daily first. Then deal with your marriage. They always say to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, in case of an emergency, right?

When you do marriage counseling, you have to bring your very best self to the table. Counseling doesn't work if either party doesn't do that.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Him being a "glass half-full" guy, doesn't necessarily mean he's nonchalant about how things are going. He may be an eternal optimist. Some people just have a "happy" personality - even in the direst or darkest of situations.

You say you're a "glass half-empty" person. That's ok too - it means you're more realistic about things. BUT the fact that you mentioned you're angry might be something else entirely.

I'd suggest you speak to a professional (impartial party) to get to the root of the anger.

Being a realist or "glass half-empty" person usually doesn't carry anger with it.

I'm thinking there's probably something more deep-seated than his outlook on life that's ticking you off.

[raeoflyte]

I honestly don't really know how dh and I have made it together this far some days. The first 18 months of my sons life were so dark for dh and I's relationship. If I hadn't had ds, I would have left dh in a heart beat. But the reality that regardless of how I felt about him, I was stuck with him for the rest of my life made me fight and fight to get him to go to counseling. It helped get us through that period, and by the time ds was 2, we were so much happier. I chalk a lot of it up to hormones and exhaustion for both of us, but counseling helped too.

Dd is 1 and its been tough again, but we were better prepared for it, and so far I like dh more often than I want to smother him which I count as a win.

I wish you the best of luck.


Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards

[les63]

Please get counseling. My marriage is about done. I'm paralyzed due to our son with autism. My husband's mental illness is not getting better. Your marriage sounds like it has a chance. Good luck.

[Shooby]

two children. both under 3."

That is a very stressful time in a marriage. Two small children need a LOT of time and attention and energy. And, with jobs, home, and other issues going on it doesn't take long to get burned out or you get tired and turn on one another or simply just tune one another out as you try to get through day by day. But, if you can find an hour once a week to go talk to someone, a Pastor or counselor, that would really help you find clarity in the situation.

[Deleted]

Marriage is probably one of the toughest unions to remain in for a lifetime. With the exception of physical/verbal abuse, I believe the covenant is worth mending. If at all possible, try to become friends again, at the very least. It is tough trying to be repair a marriage if you can't stand one another.

And for the sake of anyone else who could be affected by a potential break up, try that much harder to make the marriage friendship work. 

That's all I got in terms of suggestions-