muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 12:21:07 GMT -5
Since it is family drama week on YM OT, I thought I would add mine ... or more actually my in-laws. My husband has 2 brothers and sister. His 2 brothers and mom live in the City that we live just outside of in Missouri. His sister lives outside of Portland, Or. SIL is divorced and has a 16 year old daughter. MIL is in her mid 70s and doesn't have a lot of money and what she does have, she doesn't spend wisely, is diabetic, and has high blood pressure. Neither of those 2 things are well controlled (so not in good health, although it isn't obvious). SIL has been asking MIL to fly out to see her DD play soccer this fall. MIL keeps putting her off. Finally, MIL emailed SIL again and said no, this isn't the time to do it.
SIL emailed her back and proceeded to copy all of her brothers. We weren't involved other than MIL talking about it a little and us offering to pitch in for a ticket... until SIL copied all of us.
That isn't too bad, but then it goes on. This was sent Wednesday night. So, Thursday night is DH's "night off" and it is the night the 3 brothers get together and hang out. Well, they are pissed off at their sister. Their mom was absolute depressed after receiving that email and the brother that lives with her said she just sort of sat in her chair all day. Now, MIL is not the most active person, but she watches the kids for us actually quite a bit. Any of DH's doctor's appointments she's watched our kids. She even watched them for a weekend with the help of the brothers while DH and I went camping. Our kids are babies - 3 years and 9 months. Not an easy task for anyone, let alone someone who is 75! She certainly has not stopped living life. So what says YM? Should MIL suck it up and make the trip? Is SIL in the wrong? DH has already sent an email to SIL trying to explain that traveling for MIL isn't easy...Part of me wishes he hadn't done that. BIL #2 is going to send an email too and BIL #1 might even call SIL. On the flip side, I do wish MIL would make her Grandchildren more of a priority. Our kids are because DH has sort of forced it on MIL. The second summer she lived here when DS was 1.5, my parents who live 8 hours away saw him more than MIL did. After that, DH has made a lot more of an effort to take MIL out to meals and take her shopping for stuff. Things like that and keep her involved with our kids. She certainly does not volunteer for anything. Anyway, DH
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 25, 2013 12:25:52 GMT -5
Based on one posting I don't have much to go on. However it sounds like SIL is a bit of a badgerer and is trying to manipulate MIL.
My father is in his mid 70's and I understand how difficult travel is on him, especially trying to get through airports alone (which is not necessary - I know I can make arrangements but he will have no part of it).
That much pressure is not fair, but maybe MIL has other reasons for not being so outgoing?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 25, 2013 12:27:05 GMT -5
I think your MIL should go out to visit, but I don't think it was fair to drag everyone else into it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 25, 2013 12:27:06 GMT -5
If she's not in good health then flying out for a soccer game is probably not wise. However she could attempt to make it out for a major holiday or birthdays.
BUT I doubt it's the soccer game that's the real problem. It sounds like your sister-in-law feels the same way you do about MIL's involvement with her grandkids and for whatever reason the soccer game is the last straw. Your SIL decided it's her hill to die on.
As a sibling I'd stay out of it because it's between my sibling and my parents. No need to turn it into a Hatfield/McCoy situation.
Has anyone gone with MIL to a doctor's appointment and asked about depression? It's not uncommon in seniors.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 12:27:55 GMT -5
I think you are probably giving that sentence more emphasis than needed. I'm glad your husband emailed to explain. I think that if she didn't know about the med issues, it might help. I'd be interested to see what she does now.
Try to think back to how you felt when DS was younger and she didn't seem to want to be involved. Sis has fewer options to force the issue due to distance ...
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 12:30:47 GMT -5
Oh SIL is definitely a badger. I think all the motivation and direction in the family went to her. The boys are all kind of drifters. Hard workers, but drifters. SIL bulldozes her way to what she wants most of the time.
MIL just isn't a joiner. I do worry because she hasn't really made friends here, but then she hasn't tried. She was going to church with us, and all of the older ladies there tried really hard to reach out and make her feel welcome, but she just drifted away and with some drama in our church, she has decided to leave for good (which is fine other than the drama was not caused by any of the members in the church and the only way to fight the drama is to be there, but that is a whole other can of worms).
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 12:32:49 GMT -5
I think it's something in the Portland OR water that makes you go crazy. (Sorry @anne81) I think a short, polite note from you DH that mom is not in great shape for traveling and that it would be better for Sis & her daughter to visit. Is SIL normally a PITA or do you think she hasn't notice MIL slowing down? And FWIW, not everyone is cut out to be a grandparent. My mother could handle seeing my bro's kids for about a 15 minute visit and then it was time for them to go.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 25, 2013 12:34:23 GMT -5
Does SIL not understand the extent of MIL's health issues? Traveling is hard when you aren't healthy. SIL may have good intentions: wanting to see her mom and have her involved in her kids' lives, but just from what little I've read here, she's coming across as selfish.
Or, maybe that is her round-about way of telling her mom that the way she is purposely neglecting her health is affecting her relationships with her grandkids in hopes of spurring her to take action?
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 25, 2013 12:36:48 GMT -5
This one's pretty straight forward: guilt (the email) and manipulation (cc'ing the sibs). Ah - family . . . . .
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 12:36:59 GMT -5
And FWIW, not everyone is cut out to be a grandparent. My mother could handle seeing my bro's kids for about a 15 minute visit and then it was time for them to go. This is true. And much harder to mitigate when you have to stay with someone on a visit...
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Oct 25, 2013 12:39:57 GMT -5
Does SIL not understand the extent of MIL's health issues? Traveling is hard when you aren't healthy. SIL may have good intentions: wanting to see her mom and have her involved in her kids' lives, but just from what little I've read here, she's coming across as selfish. Or, maybe that is her round-about way of telling her mom that the way she is purposely neglecting her health is affecting her relationships with her grandkids in hopes of spurring her to take action? Looking at it from the SILs perspective however...I dont know that traveling is any more strenuous that watching a couple of babies "quite a bit". I can understand why SIL would be annoyed. Even the OP acknowledged that DH had to basically "force" MIL to be involved with the GK. It seems like the SIL is doing the same thing with the only difference being the traveling. Yes its a PITA, but hardly impossible. I was on a flight last week that had 11 people in wheelchairs. They were not together either.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 12:40:27 GMT -5
Agreed.
MIl's sister badgered her into an appointment a couple years ago and think she went with MIL. Depression could be an issue since DH suffers from it and I believe BIL #2 does as well.
I'm not the only one who latched onto that sentence. That is what DH and his bros did as well. SIL knows probably better than me about the medical issues. I don't know what SIL will do. I do feel bad for my SIL and for niece. At least my kids have one set of Grandparents that will move heaven and earth to be with them. The gpas on the other side of the family live in rural Wisconsin and aren't close to them either.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Oct 25, 2013 12:41:30 GMT -5
I think your MIL should go. I understand that traveling is more difficult that she's unwell, but many people do travel because they want to see their family members. And it does take more effort to get on a plane, but this is her daughter. I don't understand why she wouldn't want to see her daughter and granddaughter especially when she doesn't have to pay for the trip. Is their relationship fractured?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 12:44:09 GMT -5
I've got to grab lunch. I'll be back later. Yes Bonny, according to DH, SIL has always been a PITA. But she was raised (as the only girl) completely differently from the boys and has a strange perspective on DH's childhood. DH is a baby and their dad died when he was 16. So, his siblings, particularly his sister, like to say DH got a car and a motorcycle as a kid. Well, no he took over the payments on their dad's car and motorcycle when their dad died. Anyway, I need to run to lunch.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Oct 25, 2013 12:45:33 GMT -5
SIL definitely shouldn't have copied everyone else on this email, but she is the one who looks bad so I am not sure what she was attempting to accomplish... How many kids does SIL have? Why can't she and the daughter fly out to see the MIL? It is probably not the easiest for a 75 yr old woman to travel. Also, I get that you all want MIL to be involved with the grandchildren but honestly not every grandmother is the "baking cookies, life revolves around grand kids" type.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Oct 25, 2013 12:46:02 GMT -5
So why doesn't she want to travel out to WA to see her granddaughter? It sounds like your SIL was willing to pay for the trip and make it easy on your MIL. The only legitament reason I can see is health, but you made it sound like she's not bedridden or anything?
Maybe I'm wrong, but based on your description, I think your MIL should go out there. Though, I do think that living life comment was a bit below the belt.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 25, 2013 12:48:02 GMT -5
Does SIL not understand the extent of MIL's health issues? Traveling is hard when you aren't healthy. SIL may have good intentions: wanting to see her mom and have her involved in her kids' lives, but just from what little I've read here, she's coming across as selfish. Or, maybe that is her round-about way of telling her mom that the way she is purposely neglecting her health is affecting her relationships with her grandkids in hopes of spurring her to take action? Looking at it from the SILs perspective however...I dont know that traveling is any more strenuous that watching a couple of babies "quite a bit". I can understand why SIL would be annoyed. Even the OP acknowledged that DH had to basically "force" MIL to be involved with the GK. It seems like the SIL is doing the same thing with the only difference being the traveling. Yes its a PITA, but hardly impossible. I was on a flight last week that had 11 people in wheelchairs. They were not together either. Good point. I'm sure I'm projecting a bit as I have one health issue that makes traveling extremely stressful. And, as noted, not everyone was cut out to be a grandparent and some people just don't like to travel, period.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Oct 25, 2013 12:50:42 GMT -5
I'm going to assume positive intent and SIL is just trying to get her mom to create a memory before it's too late. It sounds like she's tried soft approaches in the past and those haven't worked. This one came across poorly, but I don't think there is anything evil about her agenda. My dad begged his mother to visit and stay as long as she wanted. He envisioned her being much more comfortable and active staying with him. But, she refused to get on a plane. Instead he visited her once a year for one weekend and she was very lonely. Yes, traveling is uncomfortable, but it's only a few hours of discomfort and then you get to be surrounded by loved ones who actually want you around so much they begged you to come and paid your way.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Oct 25, 2013 12:51:11 GMT -5
I suppose it really just depends on the extent of MIL's health issues. Diabedes and high blood pressure aren't necessarily debilitating conditions, but again, I don't know for sure.
As far as traveling goes, I can't say it's my favorite thing in the world, being stuck in a metal tube with a hundred other people, but it's only a few hours. I can put up with a lot for a few hours.
I never had much of a relationship with any of my grandparents. We would visit them once every 2-3 years, but they never came to visit us (except maybe once). I won't say I stew about it, but as an adult, I can't help but wonder what could have been. Too late now, since they're all dead.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Oct 25, 2013 12:57:02 GMT -5
Without meddling, I think you should do what you can to influence and encourage her to take the trip and have a great time. Good luck
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 25, 2013 12:59:13 GMT -5
Diabetes and hypertension are not necessarily debilitating issues. However, I understand where her daughter is coming from, as I am dealing with the same thing with my dad and he IS dealing with debilitating issues.
I know his time on this earth is limited (he's just been diagnosed with a disease that will ultimately be fatal, where 90% are deceased in 5 years) and I would like to see him visit me in my home. It's not the same going back, as your MIL will not get to see her granddaughter play soccer or in her own environment.
While I don't agree that she should have dragged the rest of the family into it, I understand her motivation very well.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Oct 25, 2013 13:05:29 GMT -5
Having been on the other end of this, I get your SIL's frustration.
I've been in the situation where the grandparents can find lots of time to spend with their local grandchildren, but won't make the effort to fly to visit us. It's hard not to be jealous of the time the other grandchildren get.
I can see her using the appeal in the first part of the email, and even keeping sibs in the loop so things aren't misinterpreted. But the last part does seem out of line. But it could just be her frustration.
If MIL health problems really restrict her from flying that's one thing.
But if she just doesn't want to put up with the hassle and disruption to her schedule, I can see SIL point. At 75 there may not be that many more opportunities for her kids to see their grandmother.
ETA: FYI Southwest has a direct flight from Kansas City to Portland. I've flown in many times and it's definitely the way to go.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 13:14:45 GMT -5
SIL definitely shouldn't have copied everyone else on this email, but she is the one who looks bad so I am not sure what she was attempting to accomplish... How many kids does SIL have? Why can't she and the daughter fly out to see the MIL? It is probably not the easiest for a 75 yr old woman to travel. Also, I get that you all want MIL to be involved with the grandchildren but honestly not every grandmother is the "baking cookies, life revolves around grand kids" type. SIl just has the one child. They did fly out in June. Before that we saw them at a cousin's wedding 2 years ago, MIL flew out there to see SIL get her PhD (although i'm a little fuzzy on what year that was) and SIL flew out here right after MIL moved here in June 2010. For the most part, I'm on SILs side. When I first heard about SIL wanting MIL to visit, I looked up flights and told DH to look at them and for DH to show them to MIL and say we would pitch in to help pay and drive MIL to the airport.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 25, 2013 13:17:26 GMT -5
My parents both have some pretty serious health problems and they fly at least once a year.
They arrange to be escorted from one gate to another, and my brother drops them off at the airport.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 13:17:36 GMT -5
Except to get to the airport in KC, it is 3.5 hours from MILs house. I'll mention that to DH. I'm not sure how getting MIL up to KC to the airport would work
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 25, 2013 13:24:45 GMT -5
FWIW - you can get an exeption made for one person to go through the security screening without a ticket.
My "local" airport is O'Hare. It's difficult even for a seasoned traveler to navigate. I'm sure part of my Dad's reluctance to fly in by himself is a concern he may get lost or confused about where he needs to go.
I confirmed with the airline that I can arrange (in advance) to walk with him to the gate or meet him at the gate.
Something I didn't know before I asked.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 13:25:32 GMT -5
Does SIL not understand the extent of MIL's health issues? Traveling is hard when you aren't healthy. SIL may have good intentions: wanting to see her mom and have her involved in her kids' lives, but just from what little I've read here, she's coming across as selfish. Or, maybe that is her round-about way of telling her mom that the way she is purposely neglecting her health is affecting her relationships with her grandkids in hopes of spurring her to take action? Looking at it from the SILs perspective however...I dont know that traveling is any more strenuous that watching a couple of babies "quite a bit". I can understand why SIL would be annoyed. Even the OP acknowledged that DH had to basically "force" MIL to be involved with the GK. It seems like the SIL is doing the same thing with the only difference being the traveling. Yes its a PITA, but hardly impossible. I was on a flight last week that had 11 people in wheelchairs. They were not together either. Quite a bit defined ... last spring, she watched DD once a week for 2.5 hrs or so while DH took DS to his kiddie music class and then grocery shopping. This summer and fall, she's watched both kids for a couple hours 4-5 times a month while DH has doctor's appointments. She watched them while DH took to me Urgent Care and what we assumed would be a couple hour ordeal ended up being about 10 hours. She watched them for basically 2 days while DH and I went camping. And then last week she watched DD 3 afternoons while DH and DS helped out BIL #1 on his house. So, it isn't daily help. It has worked out to be about weekly for a couple hours. It has only been since July that she has been willing to watch both kids together. I wouldn't have even asked her to watch the kids overnight, but DH thought she would be up for it and let us know if she wasn't.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Oct 25, 2013 13:25:47 GMT -5
Except to get to the airport in KC, it is 3.5 hours from MILs house. I'll mention that to DH. I'm not sure how getting MIL up to KC to the airport would work I didn't know that from your OP. If she flies from somewhere else, go thru Denver or Salt Lake and like Swamp says, pay to have her escorted between gates.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 25, 2013 13:27:57 GMT -5
Except to get to the airport in KC, it is 3.5 hours from MILs house. I'll mention that to DH. I'm not sure how getting MIL up to KC to the airport would work I didn't know that from your OP. If she flies from somewhere else, go thru Denver or Salt Lake and like Swamp says, pay to have her escorted between gates. I don't think my parents have to pay be to escorted between gates. They get driven to the next gate by the dude in the white oversized golf cart that goes BEEP, BEEP BEEP BEEP. I'll have to ask my parents, but knowing how cheap my dad is, he wouldn't do it if he had to pay for it. He would crawl to the gate if he had to.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Oct 25, 2013 13:29:35 GMT -5
Honestly, if I asked my mother repeatedly to come visit me and she just said "No, not right now!" I'd probably be offended or pissed off and would ask her why the hell not too (though I wouldn't cc all my siblings) If MIL can't/won't travel due to health, has she told your SIL that?
It's one thing if MIL has told her that she doesn't feel comfortable due to health issues and she feels it would be too difficult... but if MIL just says "Now isn't the right time" every time she is asked, then I think SIL has every right to be annoyed and to ask what she asked.
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