Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 16:15:21 GMT -5
Exactly. It is a high-school girls varsity soccer game. She didn't win the Nobel Prize for Medicine.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 25, 2013 16:16:16 GMT -5
Skype is your friend! My mother Skypes regularly with her great-grandchildren who live in another state. Any chance the fam could set up your MIL so she could talk every once in a while with her out-of-state grandkids? We've skyped on holidays with SIL and when everyone but BIL #2's daughter was visiting, we skyped her in so that she could see everyone too..... and she did see EVERYONE. DS decided to go streaking through the living room naked yelling, I used the potty! LOL! Well, it was just a thought . . . sounds like there's a whole lot more going on than just folks who do or do not want to visit each other .
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Oct 25, 2013 16:38:36 GMT -5
Maybe it is just me but I seriously can't imagine a 16 yr old girl being extremely upset that her grandmother is not there to watch her play soccer. Sixteen year old girls must have changed in the last 25 yrs . I was close with my grandmother but I can't remember her coming to any of my high school events other than my graduation. I actually think we purposely planned visits for when I didn't have an event so we could spend more time together rather than having her sit on a crappy bench that was going to hurt her back for the next 2 days. My grandmother lived 3 hrs away so visiting was fairly easy. We usually saw one another about every 6-8 weeks. Up until about the age of 14 I used to spend 2 weeks every summer at my grandmother's house. Once I hit high school though that stopped. I didn't want to leave my friends, etc. for 2 weeks. At any rate, I would be asking the question when can you come visit? and if MIL says she doesn't know or never, then SIL is going to have to say screw it or she is going to have to be the one to make the effort to visit MIL.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 16:56:38 GMT -5
Exactly. It is a high-school girls varsity soccer game. She didn't win the Nobel Prize for Medicine. I'm not the one who compared it to WWE.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 17:42:34 GMT -5
"We (DH, BIL #1 and myself) really pushed for MIL to move out here from Colorado when DS was born."
"On the flip side, I do wish MIL would make her Grandchildren more of a priority. Our kids are because DH has sort of forced it on MIL."
Seems to be a pattern here. You (the family) want MIL to do something, so you pressure her until she does it. You have already decided that she needs to go, regardless of her wishes. Just shove her on a plane and be done with it.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Oct 25, 2013 18:41:14 GMT -5
Exactly. It is a high-school girls varsity soccer game. She didn't win the Nobel Prize for Medicine. I'm not the one who compared it to WWE. I guess some people only bother with lofty accomplishments....like Noble prizes or being sworn in as POTUS. Seriously? I cant tell you how many boring ass school activities, little league games etc, I've sat through for not only my own kids but my nephews as well. They LOVE it when I show up and they show me how great they can sing, hit the ball or whatever. Bores me to death but that's what you DO and when kids are proud of themselves for doing positive activities....why the hell would you not want to show up. I spent a day last week with 2 80 year olds who were happy to traipse all over town playing tour guide to us. I'm glad they don't feel inconvenienced by family and friends and continue having a full active life.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 25, 2013 20:28:39 GMT -5
I'm not the one who compared it to WWE. I guess some people only bother with lofty accomplishments....like Noble prizes or being sworn in as POTUS. Seriously? I cant tell you how many boring ass school activities, little league games etc, I've sat through for not only my own kids but my nephews as well. They LOVE it when I show up and they show me how great they can sing, hit the ball or whatever. Bores me to death but that's what you DO and when kids are proud of themselves for doing positive activities....why the hell would you not want to show up. I spent a day last week with 2 80 year olds who were happy to traipse all over town playing tour guide to us. I'm glad they don't feel inconvenienced by family and friends and continue having a full active life. Perfectly said. I've flown across the US to watch my niece's dance recital and to watch my nephew play ball. Me being there made them want to do better than ever. The soccer game is only one part of it, I imagine. If you have ever been on the other end of it where YOU are having to do all the travel, then you would understand SIL's frustration.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 20:36:29 GMT -5
Sounds like the not favorite child has the not favorite grandchild. I hate parents/grandparents that play favorites.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 25, 2013 20:54:08 GMT -5
Too much to read so I'll just suggest that you get a divorce. Problem solved! Sorry the in-laws are being asinine-laws.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 21:23:58 GMT -5
Sounds like the not favorite child has the not favorite grandchild. I hate parents/grandparents that play favorites. Except as the only girl, they are tight. DH says SIL is the favorite. I know my DH isn't the favorite. As for grand kids, there are only 4. BIL #2's 21 year old whom we have only seen after she turned 18, she was 13 when we got married and her mom refused to let her make the trip, but BIL#2 has issues, SIL's 16 year old and our 2. If we didn't live close, she would only see them when we travelled too. I don't think it is a matter of favorites. But an email from SIL makes me wonder if she is currently as "favored" as DH thinks.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 21:27:11 GMT -5
"We (DH, BIL #1 and myself) really pushed for MIL to move out here from Colorado when DS was born." "On the flip side, I do wish MIL would make her Grandchildren more of a priority. Our kids are because DH has sort of forced it on MIL." Seems to be a pattern here. You (the family) want MIL to do something, so you pressure her until she does it. You have already decided that she needs to go, regardless of her wishes. Just shove her on a plane and be done with it. Ummm...the boys are mad at their sister and think MIL should do what she wants. As for DH forcing MIL to get out more, she would stay in the house when she first moved here for a week at a time, only leaving to go grocery shopping. So, yeah DH was worried about her.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 21:34:45 GMT -5
I really wish my hubby had stayed out of it. SIL emailed him back today:
A little history, everyone in the fam has moved around a bunch. They were all born and raised in Wisconsin. SIL followed her ex-DH's career around. Everyone else sort of followed BIL #1 around to a certain extent. MIL chose Colorado on her own and DH and BIL #2 both moved there at some point. MIL can't afford to live near SIL. I once asked and she scoffed, saying it was way too expensive. Part of the allure of moving here was how much cheaper it was and all the boys living in one town. As for the 6 times MIL has seen A, I can count 5 times in 8 years that I have seen A and MIL was there. So unless between 1-8 MIL didn't see her at all, I don't know.
MIL did the same thing to her sister when her sister visited last fall - sitting in front of the TV. She did the same thing to us when we would visit her in Colorado. Never understood my desire to go sight seeing. That just isn't her personality. The boys are all kind of like that too. I have push DH to do a lot. Once he is in motion, he loves it, but it is getting him to get moving. I don't know. I just need to keep my mouth shut on the topic and let DH talk and offer to pay for the ticket, I guess.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 25, 2013 21:44:16 GMT -5
Oh and as for the can't leave the cats, she totally did that to us for our wedding shower. She was invited out and said she couldn't leave the cat. The cat did die before we got married, so no dilemma there.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 26, 2013 3:36:13 GMT -5
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 26, 2013 3:50:57 GMT -5
I see Mr. Cloudfare server decided to drop all of my post except the first quote. FWIW, that IMO is the definition of passive aggressive people. They don't like confrontation so they will not tell you the truth directly. You figure it out from their behavior. MIL will never say I don't want to come. Its not her personality. And since you revealed she was from Wisconsin, it surprises me not. She's from a different era and many of those people are polite and do not say what they mean. Its how things were then versus now when much more is discussed in the open. MIL is telling SIL the answer. Its just not coming in the neat package she wants. Really, the important takeaway is MIL doesn't want to go. Yes it may suck, but one shouldn't in my opinion expect to make people do what you want them to do. Their wishes for their own life should trump your desires and vice versa. (Anyone ever break-up with a BF or GF and want to fiund out why? And they never told you? This is somewhat in the same vein. Finding out a "reason" may make SIL feel better, but she probably thinks she can fix it, just like with the BF/GF breakup we may have thought we could fix it or prevent the next breakup from happening just if we knew.)
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 26, 2013 4:01:26 GMT -5
True. But if SIL is telling the full truth that this is only about the relationship between Grandma and the grand-daughter, it is just as cheap to fly grand-daughter to Grandma. Yes, she may not see the soccer game in person, but that shouldn't be the hill to die on *if* SIL isn't being just as passive aggressive as Mom. A soccer game could be filmed or simply never watched because Grandma isn't interested. My own Dad never saw me play soccer in college, only my Mom once. This is a well off entitled person problem. Not all relatives like to hang out with other relatives even grandkids. I only saw my out of state Grandma growing up when we drove out to visit her in Wisconsin making a 5 hour trip from Illinois MIL a homebody and not social. How not surprising.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2013 4:06:52 GMT -5
When I am in my seventies, I hope my family has enough consideration to leave me in peace and not make selfish demands of me. I'm pretty sure I won't appreciate or want any nagging or drama. I hope to be content and comfortable, with no busybodies disturbing whatever serenity I manage to attain. Is that so wrong?
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 26, 2013 4:18:03 GMT -5
My sib with children nagged and guilted my Dad into attending more soccer games of her children too so I'm somewhat familar with the thought process of both sides as it were. My Dad has found peace and purpose in serving people in his church by doing home or hospital visits when they are sick or dying. Sib is insulted by that, thinking the focus should be on his blood family, translation her children and their activities, and I think its fine to encourage him to come but its fine if he does not. Its not like the kids and her couldn't once in awhile make the trip instead and go with him to the hospital or do a church thing with him. (They live about an hour away, and the kids teams play all over the place.)
Is that so wrong?
Not to me, but I come from the rugged individualism of the Midwest. Plus as the oldest I was subject to more guilt, cajoling, and guidance than my sibs and prefer the encourage but don't force approach. It all depends on your family. I am more social than I was growing up, but my Dad still is not.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 26, 2013 6:18:02 GMT -5
Well, funny enough, my mom pulled that same shit with my kids. By the time she decided she wanted to be "grandma" they weren't interested in her and surprise surprise, her feelings were hurt by it. By that time I was old enough to tell her she got EXACTLY the relationship she wanted. Too bad she changed her mind and it was too late. If I was your SIL, I'd cut ties and tell her why and tell her when she decides she wants a relationship, to let her know and maybe, just maybe it won't be too late. What a shame. I may never have grandkids but if I ever do, ill be at those BORING soccer games just like I was for my kids and not in front of a damn tv. People like this make me sick. No one knows how much time they have left but at 75, her odds of a lot longer aren't all that great and the hurt she leaves behind is very sad for all of them. It will even hurt the relationship among the siblings.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Oct 26, 2013 7:42:09 GMT -5
I hope my kids and grandkids love me so much they have to nag the crap out of me to hang out more- especially if I get stuck in a rut and am convinced sitting in front of my t.v. is the definition of living life.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 26, 2013 7:49:49 GMT -5
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 26, 2013 8:18:40 GMT -5
People definitely think this way, but its flawed thinking IMO and generally makes you feel bad instead of good. So just don't do it!
What MIL does or doesn't do is based on MIL not the grand-daughter, etc. Its a good lesson and reminder for anyone at any age. It appears MIL will do some things for family but her line is lower than many posters on this thread. Its nice to be supportive of a child or a partner for that matter, but there is no requirement or even law to enforce this. It is social convention and based on the beliefs of the individuals involved.
As much as I like TV and movies I wouldn't want to sit at home all the time either. But I'm not MIL. If she's depressed, part of it may be she's living away from all the people she had long-time ties to in Wisconsin. SIL could try a bribe, but it wouldn't be cheap. Offer to give her a paid for RT plane ticket to Wisconsin to visit her friends, old church, etc. It can be contigent on her coming out to SIL's first and possibly flying from there to Wisconsin.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2013 9:09:52 GMT -5
I think your MIL should go out to visit, but I don't think it was fair to drag everyone else into it. What? Daughter can order 75 year old mother to fly across country to her? Daughter and family can fly to mom. Why on earth is anyone thinking MIL has to fly or be at beck and call of anyone?!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2013 9:40:07 GMT -5
It sounds like sis flew last Rock it... And I'm guessing that gramma has a more flexible schedule than a teen at this point. Plus the playing sports thing only happens there...
I don't think its beck and call to ask for one visit. On the other hand, if there are legitimate reasons not to go, I think daughter can/needs to be understanding of them...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2013 10:03:30 GMT -5
This hits very close to home for me. As many of you know, I have a 2 yr old. My mother has only seen her 2 days in the past *10* months. She came up for ONE weekend since Xmas. And if you have kids, you know how much they change in the first few years. She is a completely different child than she was 6 or even 4 months ago. And this particular grandmother hasn't seen it at all. Yes, it requires my mother traveling by plane, but it just isn't that long of flight (3 hrs). And you know what, I'm angry at her that her grandchild isn't more of a priority. It isn't the money, and she has all the time in the world. It's about being chosen second, or third, or last. She's missing out. And I feel badly that her grandmother is so uninvolved in her life. So, while I don't like the email that cc'd everyone and all bit, I do understand her being upset. I think she has a point. It doesn't sound like your MIL is terribly unhealthy (what 75+ year old doesn't at least have one ailment??) I think she should make the effort. Just my 2 cents. I really don't get why so many of you think that it is the Grandparent's role to fly/travel to see the GKids. Why don't you see going to them as the responsibility? Because you chose to move & because you have a kid they should be the one burdened with travel? Seems really weird. I only fly if forced, so my kids know that if they make the choice to move away they'll see me about every 5 years or so. So GKids that I see very regularly now will become strangers. We'll phone or Skype and stuff like that. Not sure why I should be expected to manipulate my life around my grown childrens' choices. I did my job, they are grown, and they can do what they want with their lives. But they don't get to dictate what I will do when they have made choices that impact those decisions. ETA: Just thinking about it, my kids already film fun/funny stuff and post the videos and photos on facebook for Grandma to see. That is one way to participate in your kids & grand kids' lives without flying.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2013 10:04:51 GMT -5
Actually gma made the decision to move to where her boys were.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 26, 2013 10:14:24 GMT -5
Have anyone asked a woman why doesn't she want to travel? Easy, huh?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 26, 2013 10:23:47 GMT -5
Doesn't want to leave her house alone with an alcoholic. Frankly, just seems to find excuses to not be hassled. I get that but if you don't want to be hassled then cut ties completely not just do stuff for those who you may feel dependent on. Grandma is playing favorites and that sucks. DF hates going to cold/windy/rainy soccer games, too, and boring as hell Boy Scout crap. Guess what? He does it anyway. Not ALL of them but a fair amount. He's the ONLY grandfather those kids have in their lives and he knows its important. Those kids will remember him and hopefully emulate him someday when it's their turn. You don't have to suck it up as much as parents do but my grandparents were a huge part of my life growing up as were my aunts and uncles. Yes, they played favorites and it sucked but I was still a part of their lives for a very long time.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 26, 2013 10:46:23 GMT -5
Well it is sort of moot point for the rest of this season. My niece badly sprained her ankle at her last game, . As for the moving, they have all moved away from home. It isn't like me where I moved away and everyone else is close by. Even MIL moved away. Hopefully, we can convince MIL to make the trip next year. If not, MIL is missing out. DH and I have already made plans to go to nieces graduation in June 2015, but I'm not sure how MIL will get there. Our plan is to take a 2 week road trip and site see and camp along the way. That really isn't going to work if MIL goes with us. I do feel bad for SIL yeah mom doesn't make the trip to see her, but mom wouldn't make the trip and hour away to check on BIL #2 when he lived out there.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Oct 26, 2013 11:36:47 GMT -5
....and the cats in the cradle.
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