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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2013 12:32:30 GMT -5
Maybe Grandma doesn't want to tell kids she has incontinence problems, or sleep problems, or tiredness problems or sciatica or . . . you get the picture. None of the kids business - there is a lot of crummy crap that comes with aging that makes you uncomfortable. There is also the possibility of "I'm not comfortable at your house".
If mom moved with boys because she feels that she will need their physical support as she ages & they can help with house maintenance and stuff that improves her lifestyle (by letting her stay mostly independent longer) that is her choice.
Kids should not be laying guilt trips on aging parents. I can't imaging demanding that my 70-something mother fly to me. She is always welcome to visit whenever she wants, but I would never demand. She has her own social life, her own medical issues that she doesn't want to broadcast, physical comfort from sleeping in her own bed, and comfort in a routine that she controls and can manage. Demanding that I come to you and stand on a sports field for hours would not be my idea of a nice visit (unless I have mentioned that I WANT to do that).
I have a big issue with the expectation that "you come to me" when the parent is in their 70s.
Just seem to disagree with most of you. My kids know how I am, so I guess they won't be surprised when I'm too old and gristly to deal with the whole inconvenience and discomfort of flying. Being folded up in a stupid airline seat (tall family) is one of the least pleasant experiences in my life. While I don't have a "bad back" I come off cross country flights with a 2 day backache!!
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Oct 26, 2013 13:57:36 GMT -5
My MIL was one of those people who would never be inconvenienced by anyone and in the end when she needed help, the only one who showed up was DH. She is lucky too because while I wasn't particularly supportive of how it all went down, I didn't treat her the way she treated everyone else and left DH to do what he thought he was necessary without too much aggravation. It was a significant disruption to our lives and bank account and we are still cleaning up the mess she left behind.
I don't buy into the notion that you get to be an ***hole just because you are old.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 26, 2013 15:19:59 GMT -5
It's almost always easier for one person to travel to visit more than one person than vice versa. My cousin moved to AZ a few years ago - almost 3,000 miles away. She has an 11mo who does not travel well, and works full-time (aunt/uncle are retired). So my aunt and uncle go out to see her every few months, while she and her husband and son usually only come here for Christmas. She's the one who made the choice to move away - but they still do it, because it's easier and cheaper for the two of them to go and see the three of them than it is for the three of them to travel back here. I suppose they could stand on principle and say "no - you moved away - come see us," but then someone would start a thread complaining about that inconsiderate person who brought a screaming infant on a 4-hour flight. Not the same as Mutt's situation, but I'm not sure why the SIL is a horrible person for wishing her mom would - just once - come out to visit, especially since it sounds like the mom has been following her sons around the country. If mom had lived in the same house for 75 years and everyone else had moved away, it might be a little different.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2013 17:05:45 GMT -5
I can't remember if it was mentioned, but has MIL ever visited SIL's home, even once? If I moved away and years and years passed without my Mom ever coming to see me and where I lived, I'd be hurt. But I also don't think I'd be able to keep my Mom away even if I tried.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Oct 26, 2013 21:39:15 GMT -5
My dad is 66 and loves to travel but he is already talking about moving in about 2-3 yrs to a place with a lot of local entertainment because he doesn't feel like he will be able to travel as much. I fully expect that I will have to be the one to travel to him in a few yrs. Is it easier for me since I don't have children - of course it is... but I just feel like once your parents reach a certain age the child should be the one to travel to them.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Oct 26, 2013 22:45:10 GMT -5
Definitely YM - OT family drama week. For those curious about the gkids wanting gparents to come watch them, mine do for the most part. Except when my mom acts looney-- which is more often than not. We we try to visit MIL often even though she moved away. MIL cannot stand being around small children for ore than about 30 minutes at a time anymore. She cannot deal with the noise and activity. She will not attend sporting events unless they are championship type ones, but she will attend some performances. I will not stay at my parents' house because it is so filthy. We will stay at MILs unless she is judgement-overdrive. However, three or four of DH's siblings refuse to stay there if she insists on them sleeping her bed. It freaks them out to sleep in their mother's bed. She claims to have not slept in it in years, but one night I was sleeping in it. I cannot remember where DH was, but he wast in the bed. At some point, MIL came in and slept on DH's side of the bed.. I dont don't think it was your SIL's most mature choice to cc everyone, but it sounds like she is hurting and it was an obvious cry for help.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 26, 2013 23:14:29 GMT -5
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 26, 2013 23:15:59 GMT -5
Arghhhh. Dumbass Cloudfare server dropped my reply again. Summary is, I agree with you. MIL has the right to choose what she does and granddaughter has the right to choose what she does in response.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 26, 2013 23:27:47 GMT -5
"Not the same as Mutt's situation, but I'm not sure why the SIL is a horrible person for wishing her mom would - just once - come out to visit, especially since it sounds like the mom has been following her sons around the country. If mom had lived in the same house for 75 years and everyone else had moved away, it might be a little different.
"
Are you reading a different thread than I am? She got badgered into moving to where she is now and she might be depressed. We haven't been told whether MIL has ever visited SIL in her current house and how that intersects with where MIL was living. She's been coerced into dealing with the OP's kids and that she agreed to it is being used against her by some posters and apparently SIL.
Neither SIL or MIL is posting so all I have to go on is the OP and her own biases. My own bias is that MIL's right to live her life as she prefers should be more important IMO than other people's rights to tell her what to do and when. Especially when its a benefit for them. We don't know MIL. She could be one of those people who likes being cajoled into doing things or she may be more of a loner and only caves because she gets tired of constant badgering.
SIL isn't horrible for wanting her Mom to come visit AND MIL isn't horrible for not wanting to come. My opinion.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Oct 27, 2013 5:41:52 GMT -5
almost40, you sound like my MIL. She was retired, they would not come to our house. FIL still worked. Until 4:00 every day. We lived 10 miles apart. They were finished with supper before I even got home with the kids every night. DH usually had supper on the table, we ate, got baths, played with the kids, put them to bed, then cleaned up the kitchen. In-laws felt we should come and visit them at least one night a week. So in all of that, I was supposed to take 1 hour and go sit at someone's house while they watched TV. I don't think so. Wouldn't it have been simpler if in-laws had called on Mon and asked if they could come over on Tuesday night at 8:00. Supper eaten and kids in PJs. They could have read or played games or colored with them while we washed up the dishes. But no, we were expected to go to them. Just like we were expected to go to their house on Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day. We did spend Christmas Eve every year with them until midnight. We never got to start our own traditions of 'Twas the Night before Christmas' or reading the Bible. My kids are grown now and we INSIST on them leaving our house at 9:00. Even if they have only been there 2-3 hours. DH and I will clean up the dining room, kitchen and den. They need to go home and have some family time.
Oops, how did I get off on that?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 27, 2013 6:36:07 GMT -5
I love Christmas but can't wait until one of my kids has a family and all the hoopla surrounding Christmas so I can come, give presents, eat and enjoy and then go home to my clean house!
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Oct 27, 2013 7:40:12 GMT -5
I am the one who moved away. We live a five to six hour drive from the closest relatives. They did say in the beginning we should drive because "we moved away". Well now it is almost thirty years later and I am over it. I have just as much right to live where I want as everyone else. People can feel free to not visit us, but I am done with the driving all over hell and gone to visit others. iI it isn't important enough to do the same and visit us, why is it so important that we go all that way to visit them? Personally I know now that trying to get four people's schedule to work so they can go visit someone is a pain. It simply is easier to for one person who is retired to make the trip. And even if the daughter and grandkids do make the trip grandma still wouldn't get to see them play soccer or preform in their holiday concert or walk in graduation or a hundred other things that most people would like them to see. I wonder what grandma has been saying though that prompted that "you can't sto living your life" statement. I have known people who say things like they can't do anything until such and such gets better or goes away. So what happens if it never gets better? Does that mean they never do anything again?
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Oct 27, 2013 11:30:11 GMT -5
DHs 80 yo aunt and uncle would vehemently disagree that people should drop everything to come to them. They absolutely love to socialize and visit and are wonderful hosts. They also continue to travel around the world and spent a month this summer in Iceland driving all over the country.
No one denies that as people get older, there may be issues that preclude them from going to visit friends and relatives. I'm *old and don't want the aggravation however, is not one of legitimate ones that will get you any sympathy (from me anyway). It isn't any more of a pain in the ass for an older person to travel, than it is for a family with jobs, little kids, school etc to travel. In fact, often times the older person has more time, money and flexibility. That is certainly the case in the vast majority of people in my life.
Also, what is this crap that you hit 60 and you are supposed to pull out the rocking chair and have everyone cater to you? DH is 8 years older than me and if he thinks when he turns 60, he is turning in his passport to stay home and be "old", he's going to be doing it without his wife.
My dad is in his 70s and to me, isn't a whole lot different energy wise than when he was in his 40s. I always say he will out live all of us. He is also one of those grandparents that loves being involved with his grandchildren and interacts nearly every day with them. The kids would definitely notice if he wasn't at their events.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Oct 27, 2013 12:51:43 GMT -5
I refuse to believe this is just about seeing a soccer game, although being an athlete I can see why it's the focus. People who don't understand that are probably either bitter or never experienced the pride of loved ones on the sidelines watching them excel. I had that experience and I can tell you- it meant everything to me as kid and I will pay it forward with my own kids and grandchildren if I'm blessed to have them.
That said, when you get to visit your grandkids (or any kid you care about) in their own home, you get to know them on a much deeper level than a visit in your home. She would get to see her granddaughter's room and her favorite things, participate in discussions that only happen at her own dinner table after a normal day at school, learn about other interests, etc. Skype just isn't the same and neither is a short trip to grandmother's lduring a holiday.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 27, 2013 16:31:28 GMT -5
I'll agree in person is better than Skype. For the rest it depends. When I had money to fly back and/or my Dad had money to fly me back, I got to know my niece and nephew best at my Mom's house. I learned the most actually when it was just me, Mom(their grandmother) and the kids. I didn't learn all that much about them when I visited their home nor when I stayed there one visit. It really depends on the kids and perhaps the dynamics of the family involved. My sib is a control freak and I've butted heads with her in the past because she thinks her kids are delicate flowers and doesn't want them exposed to various things including me mentioning a BF of mine because it would confuse them. (For those who have read my recent Alzheimers thread this is the POA sib who doesn't want to lie to Mom ... because apparently doing what she's doing now is better for her personally ... and 'I don't want to teach my kids to lie' or some such. One's away in college and the other is a senior who wants to go into the military. Perhaps there is a reason niece wanted to go away for college... ) SIL seems like a control freak to me, but I may be reading it wrong as all our info is second hand at best.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 27, 2013 16:43:48 GMT -5
"I am the one who moved away. We live a five to six hour drive from the closest relatives. They did say in the beginning we should drive because "we moved away". Well now it is almost thirty years later and I am over it. I have just as much right to live where I want as everyone else. People can feel free to not visit us, but I am done with the driving all over hell and gone to visit others. iI it isn't important enough to do the same and visit us, why is it so important that we go all that way to visit them? " Somewhat similar except my drive would be 18 to 19 hours if done all at once which I usually break up as a 13 hour drive to friends in Indiana and then another drive to Mom's or in the past up to Wisconsin to XH's folks. Its a two day trip driving if nothing goes wrong like a significant snowstorm or ice. Otherwise it is a flight which is a PITA as well because they don't believe in actually popping into the airport to pick you up except occasionally my Dad. No, its more fun to stand out in the fricking cold or by the windows hoping to catch them on the next circle by. My sibs, especially the one with kids was not all that appreciative when I came out flying or driving, so I've been over it since 2002 or before. Really I mostly miss having somewhere to spend holidays although I'd be good with perhaps flying in and out for Thanksgiving and spending Christmas and Easter with people who are happier to see me. I enjoyed doing holidays with XBF's family as it usually involved at most driving 1 1/2 hours one way and it was just dinner, etc. versus days of people deciding what I was going to do. (Not quite 30 years yet Beach, I think 28, as I got my Master's in 1985.)
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2013 9:15:15 GMT -5
I live 12 hours (by plane) away from my family. My mom has already visited me and my son 4 times (well now it is only 12 hours, before it was more like 18-20 hours when she visited) since he was born (he is not even 2) despite her own health problems and other issues. Your MIL needs to stop with the excuses and go visit her daughter and granddaughter. I would be heartbroken too if she was watching little kids who are very demanding but not making a few hour flight for a few days to come see my kid. Although I don't think I would put it in an email to my mother.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 28, 2013 14:22:02 GMT -5
Family dynamics are complicated. Every family is different and each branch of the family has their own way of doing or seeing things. I'm with Rock It post #94 100%. But, that's just me. Some people revolve their worlds around their grandchildren; some don't. Nothing wrong either way, it's just a personal choice.
Also, it's about perception. DH has a large family. One neice had a destination wedding years ago. During that time all 3 kids were home, DH was commuting a long way to work each day, we were remodelling, etc. and couldn't afford to go. Several years later a nephew had a destination wedding (son of a different sibling than the neice). By then we were empty-nesters, the house was done, and we were able to go and had a great time. Of course, from the oustide, it appeared that we "favored" the nephew over the neice, but that wasn't the case at all.
I'm sure there is more to the case with the OP's MIL than we know.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 28, 2013 20:18:16 GMT -5
Sounds like the not favorite child has the not favorite grandchild. I hate parents/grandparents that play favorites.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Oct 29, 2013 9:16:29 GMT -5
almost40, you sound like my MIL. She was retired, they would not come to our house. FIL still worked. Until 4:00 every day. We lived 10 miles apart. They were finished with supper before I even got home with the kids every night. DH usually had supper on the table, we ate, got baths, played with the kids, put them to bed, then cleaned up the kitchen. In-laws felt we should come and visit them at least one night a week. So in all of that, I was supposed to take 1 hour and go sit at someone's house while they watched TV. I don't think so. Wouldn't it have been simpler if in-laws had called on Mon and asked if they could come over on Tuesday night at 8:00. Supper eaten and kids in PJs. They could have read or played games or colored with them while we washed up the dishes. But no, we were expected to go to them. Just like we were expected to go to their house on Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day. We did spend Christmas Eve every year with them until midnight. We never got to start our own traditions of 'Twas the Night before Christmas' or reading the Bible. My kids are grown now and we INSIST on them leaving our house at 9:00. Even if they have only been there 2-3 hours. DH and I will clean up the dining room, kitchen and den. They need to go home and have some family time. Oops, how did I get off on that? Okay, that actually doesn't sound anything like what I said. I stated that I didn't expect my father to get on an airplane and travel across the country once he reaches a certain age. I am not sure how that in any way relates to not driving 10 minutes up the road... my dad and I live 1300 miles apart and we manage to see one another 3 times a year. He comes to see me once a year, I go see him once a year and once a year we meet in a vacation destination (usually Vegas) for a few days. He currently loves to travel but it is starting to get harder for him and he feels like in a few years he might not be able to do it as easily so YES I will make the effort to go see him when he reaches that point. Sorry, but that doesn't sound anything like your situation... ETA: In reading back over my post I am guessing you might be referring to where I said once parents reach a certain age kids should travel to them. I was mainly talking about when people live far apart... I do think it is hard for elderly people to drive or fly LONG distances. In your situation though, with them being 10 miles away, I do think they should make the effort to come and visit you.
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