swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 24, 2013 11:03:11 GMT -5
Even if he didn't do it, she may see it that way and react accordingly.
I'll give you an example. My friend married a divorced man with two teens. The daughter was convinced that her father was going to buy her a car when she turned 16. He never said that. When she didn't get the car, she refused to talk to her dad for over a year, and professed her undying hatred for my friend because it was her fault dad wouldn't buy her a car. Completely irrational, but you could not convince the kid of that.
The kid also had a mom who blamed all her problems on dad and told the kids regularly what a dick he was.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 24, 2013 11:05:14 GMT -5
Honey my brother has gone thru phases where for whatever reason my dad is the scum of the earth and is the source of all his problems. He has a seriously warped view of his childhood and has told my mom he hates her for not divorcing my dad. Then he's gone thru phases where I am the scum of the earth and ruined his life because I was born first. We stopped speaking for a year and a half because I refused to apologize to him for being the eldest. Unfortunately there is no talking to someone that delusion, they believe what they want to believe and get even more pissed off the more you try to convince them they are delusional. My brother and I are talking again, I didn't close the door completely because of Gwen. However our relationship is never going to be the same because he can't take back what he said. I've moved on but it still hovers in the air and probably will for a long time. Her dad's job isn't to grovel for a relationship. To put up with whatever crap she'll dish out because mom spoke ill of him, to have his daughter in his life at all costs.
I know it broke my mom's heart but I told her I refused to deal with my brother's abuse just because he was my brother. I couldn't give him what he wanted it's not like I can crawl back up inside and do it over again so he gets to be the eldest. No amount of anything else was going to solve the problem. So I stepped out of the relationship till he stopped accusing me of ruining his life. When he stopped being a douchebag he was free to walk thru the door and I'd welcome him. We'd probably be worse off if I'd kept groveling. Not to mention destroying my relationship with my parents and DH in the process. Reading Co-Dependent No More really helped me put into perspective what my relationship with my brother had become, what it was costing me and what I had to do to fix things. I can't fix him, but that doesn't mean I have to go down with him.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2013 11:07:45 GMT -5
Even if he didn't do it, she may see it that way and react accordingly. I'll give you an example. My friend married a divorced man with two teens. The daughter was convinced that her father was going to buy her a car when she turned 16. He never said that. When she didn't get the car, she refused to talk to her dad for over a year, and professed her undying hatred for my friend because it was her fault dad wouldn't buy her a car. Completely irrational, but you could not convince the kid of that. The kid also had a mom who blamed all her problems on dad and told the kids regularly what a dick he was. Her perception of events is what is important here. If she's acting out because she feels she was swept under the rug then that needs to be address. EVEN IF IT IS THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 24, 2013 11:11:08 GMT -5
This is a journey this girl is going to have to work through on her own. No one can "help" her be emotionally/mentally sound, other than a therapist. I did suggest that to H last night when we were discussing that. He's going to talk to her mother about it or at least looking into see if the school as someone she can talk to. But you're right - she has to be a willing participant. I honestly don't know if she is willing or not.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 24, 2013 11:12:17 GMT -5
I don't owe you any measure of respect. Respect is something that is earned. As you've stated I don't know you except for your postings. That would lead me to believe that any response form anyone, unless it's something that you're ok with, can be dismissed because, well, no one here "knows you". Really? You can't adapt your opinion based on what I've told you about my situation? Well, thanks for nothing. I'll just put you on ignore and that will save us both the problem of having to earn anything.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Oct 24, 2013 11:13:22 GMT -5
I don't think that's what she was saying... But as someone whose father remarried and had more children late in life (I was 21-22 when my half-siblings were born), I can see where the SD is coming from (although NOT excusing her behavior in any way). There can be a feeling that the parent gave up on his/her first family and decided to start fresh with another. And when my dad turned out to be a good father to his second set of kids (he was pretty much absent when my brother and sister and I were young), it felt like a slap in the face. Almost 10 years later, I can tell myself that he finally grew up and matured, and it wasn't a reflection on us as not being worthy enough, etc., but in my early twenties, it was hard to process. Sometimes it's hard to see things from the other side. Regardless of how justified the SD's feelings are, they are her feelings. While I think demanding civility before opening the wallet again is a good plan, it's going to take some time to break 4+ (and more likely 18) years of bad habits. Just my $0.02. A very valuable 2 cents too! So - there is a 2 yo half sister, and the father let go of his relationship with his teen daughter 2-3 years ago? It seems to me that the father gave up the difficult job of parenting a teen daughter (hateful, hormonal, and narcissistic - and newsflash - that is developmentally normal!) and turned his attention to the new daughter. Easy - and guilt free. I can't even imagine how that seems to the teen daughter! Or how that feels to her. He had a new daughter and easily let go of the thread of his relationship with her.... Where what is in her best interest, her emotional needs, her ideas for the future, are important to her father This isn't about money at all, imho, except how this young woman equates money as her only evidence of paternal care or involvement. However, perhaps the father can use this money situation to help reestablish ties and work on this relationship. The impulse to give over all the money is a terrible idea. Almost like a payoff - here take this and don't come back.... My dad was a widower with 2 small children when he met my mother. My mother wasn't planning on having any children of her own when she married him, but my aunt convinced her to have one, and that one is me. My parents always tried to be very equal with all the kids, but my sister was very troubled and ran away from home at 17. She came back a few months later, but married at 19, and both she and her husband are alcoholics. I feel bad for her in that she lost her mother at such a young age, and my father's personality wasn't one in which he was capable of dealing with it very well, but she had a lot handed to her and her husband over the years ($$-wise from my dad and a business from her FIL), and they blew it all away. We all had the same resources, other than my father making more money later in life, but they tried really hard to be equal money-wise with all the kids. It was hard, and the results were vastly different because all 3 of us are vastly different people. What I have learned from having a 3 1/2 yo and a one y.o. of my own is that sibling rivalry is always there, and that if you give in to tantrums, you get more tantrums. Its just unfortunate that the 18 y.o. refuses to communicate with the father here, because that seems to be the only thing that would help.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 24, 2013 11:14:19 GMT -5
Even if he didn't do it, she may see it that way and react accordingly. I'll give you an example. My friend married a divorced man with two teens. The daughter was convinced that her father was going to buy her a car when she turned 16. He never said that. When she didn't get the car, she refused to talk to her dad for over a year, and professed her undying hatred for my friend because it was her fault dad wouldn't buy her a car. Completely irrational, but you could not convince the kid of that. The kid also had a mom who blamed all her problems on dad and told the kids regularly what a dick he was. That is definitely true. Perception and expectations are something that are definitely misaligned in our situation.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Oct 24, 2013 11:16:06 GMT -5
and a therapist won't help her until she realizes there is a problem and is willing to do something about it. right now, there isn't a problem. she screams, she gets what she wants. no problem. maybe I'm way off base but it doesn't sound that different from some drug addicts and alcholholics I have known. I would seriously rather try and have a conversation with the bottle.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 24, 2013 11:21:45 GMT -5
There is a difference between saying "She may FEEL like she isn't important, hasn't had a share of the resources, like Dad has replaced her, etc" and saying she "WAS" replaced, we aren't sharing resources, aren't sharing Dad, etc.
Yes, she is in a difficult circumstance than she was 2 years ago. She does have to, in one way or another, compete for Dad's attention with a younger sibling. However, many of these problems started before she had a half sister. I'm sure that her arrival didn't help the situation at all. But it isn't the root cause.
But he HAS gone out of his way to support her and do things for her and try to spend time with her every step of the way. Whether she really feels that way or not is certainly up for debate.
But I take exception when people are saying he DID do this or DIDN'T do that. Maybe it's a language problem but I am defensive when people are insinuating he didn't DO something. Maybe he didn't do everything RIGHT, that is certain, but he has certainly TRIED.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 24, 2013 11:24:30 GMT -5
Perception and expectations are something that are definitely misaligned in our situation
DH can lay out reality/truth on the table but I don't know how much good it'd do SD at this time. It might be helpful for DH personally to get it all out but probably won't do much to repair his relationship with SD.
I can't believe sometimes how warped my brother's views on some things are compared to my version of events. It has very little to do with reality and everything to do with how we percieve the world we live in. I can talk till I'm blue in the face but he can't be convinced otherwise.
He stopped speaking to mom when she refused to divorce dad. She said she was sorry he didn't have a perfect childhood and admitted they could have done things better but that wasn't enough. He has no right to tell her to divorce my dad and since she wouldn't do it as far as he was concerned she was the most rotten mother on the planet.
If DH wants to do some soul bearing he'll have to into it understanding that unless she accepts her reality is seriously warped it's not going to serve any purpose.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Oct 24, 2013 11:27:19 GMT -5
There is a difference between saying "She may FEEL like she isn't important, hasn't had a share of the resources, like Dad has replaced her, etc" and saying she "WAS" replaced, we aren't sharing resources, aren't sharing Dad, etc. Yes, she is in a difficult circumstance than she was 2 years ago. She does have to, in one way or another, compete for Dad's attention with a younger sibling. However, many of these problems started before she had a half sister. I'm sure that her arrival didn't help the situation at all. But it isn't the root cause. But he HAS gone out of his way to support her and do things for her and try to spend time with her every step of the way. Whether she really feels that way or not is certainly up for debate. But I take exception when people are saying he DID do this or DIDN'T do that. Maybe it's a language problem but I am defensive when people are insinuating he didn't DO something. Maybe he didn't do everything RIGHT, that is certain, but he has certainly TRIED. Hon take a deep breath. I have actually read every post on this thread and I know you two didn't abandon her or not fully support her monitarily. I know now that if DH gets misteriously dead I am NEVER hooking up with any man with kids. Entirely way to much bad parts with no possibility of an up side for me.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 24, 2013 11:28:54 GMT -5
I will pop in with another $0.02. My mom never badmouthed my dad, although it was pretty clear how she felt about him. She didn't need to - we could see his behavior firsthand. My stepmom (not the mother of my half-siblings) is a kind and generous person and has been a great asset to my dad. If it weren't for her entering the picture, I probably wouldn't have a relationship with him now. She has known my dad for about 3 years, they've been married for 2. But the person she knows - and married - is NOT the person we knew during our childhoods. I'm sure when she came into the picture, she saw a father who was trying to forge relationships with three bratty kids who wanted nothing to do with him, including a daughter who didn't invite him to her wedding. And - to an outside observer - that perception was not inaccurate. He did try to contact all of us, and I didn't invite him to my wedding. But what she didn't see was his behavior over the preceding decades that led up to that estrangement, and I'm sure he's never volunteered that info. His version of the events of the last 30 years and my mom's version of the events of the last 30 years are so conflicted you couldn't even make a Venn diagram with them. While I'm certainly not suggesting HBBQ's husband is or was a bad parent, IMO a spouse's version of what happened before you entered the picture might not always be 100% accurate, any more than I'm sure the SD's version of events is 100% accurate. Someone who comes in at a later point sees the bad behavior, but not always the catalyst. I'm guessing that with a daughter with anger issues so extreme she texts "I hate you" hundreds of times, and a son who needed rehab, there may be more at play than a mom who badmouths dad. Any way to talk to the son? He might have some insight into her state of mind and why she feels the way she does. This is a long post, so I'll change that to $0.04.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 24, 2013 11:38:59 GMT -5
midjdThat is certainly true. But we've been together since DSD was a kid. I've been her step mom half her life practically. I do think it's different when you enter in the scene when the children are adults (actually, I know this by experience, being the child of a widowed mother). The son and Dad talk a lot. They also had a strained relationship for a few years as you might imagine, particularly when there was a lot of addiction going on. But they have really worked out to being in a good place. Actually, when the son came out to visit last time he liked Seattle so much he thinks he wants to move here. All we can really get out of the son is that nobody can stand to be around DSD. She's mean and yells at everyone and nobody likes her anymore. The siblings don't talk very much, is all I can really gather. The thing that broke my heart and literally made me cry.... my poor MIL is in the hospital suffering from this head injury, will probably be ok... but maybe not... told my H "I hope someday my grand-daughter (DSD) gets to know me." This is the nicest woman in the world who I have never seen yell or shed a tear... laying in the ICU and having her own heart broken that her SDS is such a narcissistic and self absorbed person. Makes me so sad for her. She loves all her grandkids so much. I hope she gets better and gets to live to see SD snap out of this.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 24, 2013 11:45:29 GMT -5
Her perception of events is what is important here. If she's acting out because she feels she was swept under the rug then that needs to be address. EVEN IF IT IS THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH. Yes. But what about when it can't be addressed? My mom felt slighted at important event for our first kid. The problem is, my mom made up all these wild assumptions in her head, and decided that was the truth. Except, it wasn't. My mom is NEVER wrong, therefore, her assumptions are correct. Even if it's not how things went down. So, my mom decided to punish me and the other kids when the same event came around for them. In my case, there IS nothing to address. I'm wrong. She's right. The expectation is that I'm supposed to grovel to my mom, telling her how awful I am, how right she is, and can she please forgive me? My mom will only get better with professional care, if she were interested in getting better. But she's not. He behavior has served her well for over 50 years. She's not going to change now... I'm not interested in a relationship with someone where I'm always seen as wrong or bad. Where I have to ask for forgiveness on a weekly basis, literally. And, on top of it guess what I've done wrong this time. My folks chose to not have a relationship with me because I wouldn't allow them to be verbally abusive to me anymore. Sorry, but no parent OR child should have to put up with abuse/emotional anguish "for the sake of the relationship."
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 24, 2013 11:48:12 GMT -5
DQ Gira.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Oct 24, 2013 11:48:15 GMT -5
Okay, feel free to shoot this down if this is horrible idea:
Could your DH tell her that he will give her $50 once a week after she calls him and talks to him (without yelling) for 10 minutes?
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 24, 2013 11:51:35 GMT -5
This is such a difficult, complicated situation! I can understand to a degree because I, too, am a step-parent, but every situation is different so no criticism from me.
A new therapist may be helpful (if you can convince HER of that) but honestly, the difference between and 18 year old brain and a 21 year old brain (and maturity level) is light years! Yes, she's been like this for 4+ years already, but 18 is still too young to return to the normal person she once was. It's hard to endure but they do eventually get through it.
When she sends you all those multiple, hateful texts, IF you or her dad responded would she then respond? I think I would try doing the exact opposite and when she texts: "I hate you! I hate this school!", etc. I would sincerely respond: "I'm so sorry you are hurting and unhappy! Is there something I/we can do? Tell me something about your classes/school you enjoy?"
Is it possible at all to react with concern and open-ended questions? Taking her "problems" as serious as she does sometimes helps with teenagers. Just an idea...
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 24, 2013 11:52:31 GMT -5
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 24, 2013 11:53:33 GMT -5
Okay, feel free to shoot this down if this is horrible idea:Could your DH tell her that he will give her $50 once a week after she calls him and talks to him (without yelling) for 10 minutes? LOL. I would totally love that. And I think H would too. However - I think the problem is that she hates not being in control. The if you do ____ then I will do ____ is what makes her freak out. I can totally appreciate that. I have control-phobia myself. I was going to college at 17 and needed my Mom to sign something (can't remember what, but basically I was graduating a year early and since I was a minor I needed a release) and she held that over my head for a year, controlling everything I did. I resented it and despised her for it. Actually I still do, 20 years later. So, anyways. I think while it's a valid suggestion to help open the communication waves - I think that it would ultimately backfire. I really don't know if there are any ways to "fix" this. It's probably something that needs to happen one tiny baby step at a time.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 24, 2013 11:56:02 GMT -5
This is such a difficult, complicated situation! I can understand to a degree because I, too, am a step-parent, but every situation is different so no criticism from me. A new therapist may be helpful (if you can convince HER of that) but honestly, the difference between and 18 year old brain and a 21 year old brain (and maturity level) is light years! Yes, she's been like this for 4+ years already, but 18 is still too young to return to the normal person she once was. It's hard to endure but they do eventually get through it. When she sends you all those multiple, hateful texts, IF you or her dad responded would she then respond? I think I would try doing the exact opposite and when she texts: "I hate you! I hate this school!", etc. I would sincerely respond: "I'm so sorry you are hurting and unhappy! Is there something I/we can do? Tell me something about your classes/school you enjoy?" Is it possible at all to react with concern and open-ended questions? Taking her "problems" as serious as she does sometimes helps with teenagers. Just an idea... That's a good idea. I think H's M.O. is to just ignore and wait until she calms down because he's non-confrontational. And he's also sensitive so these texts really do hurt his feelings. So he would have to jump head first and willingly into the cross-fire. Its like when my toddler is having a meltdown about something ridiculous... I just have to talk her through it and hold her hand and get her to calm down until I can figure out what is actually wrong... maybe he needs to do the same. But I'm much better at "removing" myself from the emotional implications of the situation and dealing with the issues. He has a harder time at it.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 24, 2013 12:02:10 GMT -5
Maybe also respond with "I'm sorry to hear that, but I still love you". Alternate it with the open ended questions.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 24, 2013 12:02:41 GMT -5
Just curious: why do you think it would backfire?
If you could engage her in a conversation I would ask her about her opinion about changing schools, buying a new laptop instead of fixing the old one, etc.
"You're interested in changing schools? What do you think about leaving behind a 50% scholarship? Do you feel it is worth it in order to pursue something you may like better?" (Her answers probably won't be logical, but valuing her opinion and feelings could start to turn things around.) "How come you chose to buy a new laptop instead of use the insurance option on your other one?" (Again, she may say, because I wanted/deserved a NEW one!) Not logical but her responses could give you a glimpse of what is going on inside her head.
The teenage, immature brain is impulsive (and she obviously has no filter) so she may say something that could lead you to the actual source of her anger.
But, if she won't engage or respond at all, then I'm sorry. I'm not sure what I would do then.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 24, 2013 12:03:00 GMT -5
That's why it's unfortunate that SD is unable/unwilling to accept counseling... I think it could do a lot of good to just have everyone in the same room saying "well this is my POV."
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 24, 2013 12:03:41 GMT -5
I can't imagine myself in a situation like this. I can't imagine what it must be doing to all involved. I do know this: If I were HBBQ's DH, the kid would get one message from me. You WILL meet with me on <this date>, at <this time>. At that time, we will discuss all matters concerning our relationship up to the present and all changes that WILL take place if you ever expect to see one more dime from me. You WILL be there. If you choose NOT to be there, this will be our last communication. You are an adult. Make your own choices. I will abide by those choices with regard to our future.
That would be the end of it. This isn't a two-year-old entitled to throw tantrums. This is a young woman, going to school and preparing to enter the world on her own (hopefully). It sounds like the behavior you've described isn't something new, and it isn't something being directed only at your DH, Honey (even her brother wants little to do with her). If your DH and her mother could get together and present a united front to help untangle this kid from her own headlong run toward self-destruction, that would be a Very Good Thing, IMO.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 24, 2013 12:06:26 GMT -5
\ Your SD's narrative may go "Dad left me in the house with the crazy woman and drug addict brother because I was too much bother. He sends money but doesn't love me enough to try to figure out why I'm sad and angry. He moved far away. Since my new sibling entered into the picture I haven't seen my step-mom in person, even though she's been my step-mom half my life. When my brother was an addict all attention was focused on him but I was having a hard time too." Why has DSD not gotten to know MIL? I totally agree about the perception. That is definitely a problem. But I can't control her perception. We can only give her opportunities and chances to change her perception. It's because DSD is too self absorbed to get to know her. That's the point. They've lived a stone's throw from one another her entire life. It's describing DSD's attitude and mental state... not reality.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 24, 2013 12:09:29 GMT -5
I think the phone call for $50 is DH being as manipulative as SD and also feeds into her desire to control when and where he jumps. What is to stop her from wanting $100 and refusing to call till he ups the amount?
The money thing needs to stop because that's a huge source of manipulation. Yeah DH didn't name terms upfront but that's water under the bridge. If he wants the crap to stop he has to stop shoveling it.
She'll freak out just as anyone who is used to pulling the strings will but it'll go a long way towards taking back control and establishing boundaries.
The downside if this is she may "never speak to him again" and he needs to be prepared for that. But he can't keep spinning his wheels. They will definetly end up permenately estranged if he keeps playing games with her AND it's going to damage his relationships with Honey, his new daughter and his son over time.
I understand she may be hurting and has a warped sense of reality but you can't just give them their way and bend till you snap. All it does is enable them and keep feeding into their delusions.
Since SD seems to either be unwilling or incapable of breaking the co-dependent cycle they're in then DH will have to do it.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 24, 2013 12:10:34 GMT -5
Precisely, honey. At least, that's sure what it sounds like. DSD is so self-absorbed it's going to take a brick-bat to the head to get her attention, much less her cooperation. Your husband needs to get tough and he needs to do it now. It's never easy, but it's sometimes necessary. Even if she agrees to a sit-down-hash-it-out meeting, there will be relapses in future. That's the time to try to work through it in a more rational manner. IMO, though, that isn't going to work until the brick-bat has been applied with vigor.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Oct 24, 2013 12:11:10 GMT -5
Okay, feel free to shoot this down if this is horrible idea:Could your DH tell her that he will give her $50 once a week after she calls him and talks to him (without yelling) for 10 minutes? LOL. I would totally love that. And I think H would too. However - I think the problem is that she hates not being in control. The if you do ____ then I will do ____ is what makes her freak out. I can totally appreciate that. I have control-phobia myself. I was going to college at 17 and needed my Mom to sign something (can't remember what, but basically I was graduating a year early and since I was a minor I needed a release) and she held that over my head for a year, controlling everything I did. I resented it and despised her for it. Actually I still do, 20 years later. So, anyways. I think while it's a valid suggestion to help open the communication waves - I think that it would ultimately backfire. I really don't know if there are any ways to "fix" this. It's probably something that needs to happen one tiny baby step at a time. I know at that age you don't really want to answer to anyone, at least, that how I was. (That's the reason I paid my own way through school.) However, $50 for 10 minutes of work is an excellent return. She could control it by talking about anything she wanted to. It just had to be 10 minutes and no yelling.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 24, 2013 12:11:51 GMT -5
But HBBQ has said that her husband is non-confrontational and retreats when things get heated. He may not be able to hold that conversation because he doesn't like it when things get uncomfortable. To an overwrought child or teenager that can feel like emotional abandonment - when I get angry, upset or cry my Dad leaves me. DH has a job to do here, too. He needs to get over the retreating to avoid confrontation. I don't accept "unable to" from any rational adult. Get up on your hind-damned-legs and DO IT!
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 24, 2013 12:12:20 GMT -5
I can't imagine myself in a situation like this. I can't imagine what it must be doing to all involved. I do know this: If I were HBBQ's DH, the kid would get one message from me. You WILL meet with me on <this date>, at <this time>. At that time, we will discuss all matters concerning our relationship up to the present and all changes that WILL take place if you ever expect to see one more dime from me. You WILL be there. If you choose NOT to be there, this will be our last communication. You are an adult. Make your own choices. I will abide by those choices with regard to our future. That would be the end of it. This isn't a two-year-old entitled to throw tantrums. This is a young woman, going to school and preparing to enter the world on her own (hopefully). It sounds like the behavior you've described isn't something new, and it isn't something being directed only at your DH, Honey (even her brother wants little to do with her). If your DH and her mother could get together and present a united front to help untangle this kid from her own headlong run toward self-destruction, that would be a Very Good Thing, IMO. I agree. And that's the way *I* would handle these things. But H can't. He can't take the risk that she would say FINE and never see him again. It would kill him. Though he may be getting to the end of his rope. Her behavior when his mom was in the ICU was beyond despicable. I think a meeting with mom and DH would be good. I'm not sure the mom would be ok with it. She is almost as bad as DSD. And they are not on the same page. Mom things we should just give DSD everything she wants and that "our" behavior is the cause of all of DSD's problem. She's seeing things in a very 1 dimensional view. SDS asked for $250. We didn't give it to her. That's why she's mad. Not all these deeper and likely more valid reasons for her anger (At least towards us). Of course when DSD is mad at her OWN mom and she calls H to complain - it's because DSD is a brat, not because she did anything wrong lol. So there is a lack of unified front. And always has been. Maybe they could work something out and do that. I don't know. The mom has really lead the way for thinking we are a bottomless pit of money. She has never had to really work for her money, either, so she has no respect for the financial aspects that we do.
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