Very frustrated with my stepdaughter's choices- update #312

[Spellbound454]

You got it!

 Cheers

[Deleted]

It's unfortunate that she won't see or speak to her Dad unless she wants something from him. My children got to the point where they only called their Dad when they wanted something and I let them know I didn't like it. I'm not a fan of his at all, but imo that's not how you treat people, even him. I told them if they can't call him and say "Hey Dad, how you been doing" once in a while, don't call him and ask him for money. If you're not going to deal with somebody, then just don't deal with them. Don't try to use them.

It sounds like a sad situation, whatever is going on with your step daughter. I know you and your DH want her to be ok and it doesn't sound like she is right now. I'm sorry. 

[shanendoah]

Oct 23, 2013 16:44:33 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

Oct 23, 2013 16:35:09 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

NastyWoman - I understand where you're coming from, but I can tell you, as a step-child, that is the worst advice ever.

HoneyBBQ - When it comes time to talking to his daughter, that needs to be him and him alone. You should not be in the room. 

She bought a laptop. 

Have dad, for just one weekend, stop avoiding his daughter and actually seek her out.
Give her a break. Give yourself a break. But tell your DH it's time to step up and actually be his daughter's father.

I do not interfere in their relationship at all. I haven't seen her in years, actually. H last saw her at her high school graduation. Everything lately is done with text messaging (she won't answer the phone or email). When H went to see his own mother in the hospital and SD wanted money, H asked if he could see her to give her the check. She said no, she was too busy. We've always offered to have her come see us any time she wants, and every time H has gone to see his son in the same city, he tries to see her but she is 'too busy' or too pissed off. Everything is on her terms and her terms alone.

She bought a laptop so she can write hateful things about me and her dad on her blog. And Skype with friends. And play zombie shoot-em-up games. It may as well have been a trip to Mexico. There is absolutely no difference. It's not something that is going to help her career or her schooling.  It was something she wanted therefore it was something she got.

And maybe you mean something else by your last sentences but that is really really rude and judgmental. Just because he didn't have a contract set up for her college funds doesn't mean that he's not "stepping up" and "being a father". He is being as much of a father as she allows him to be; which at the moment is just signing his name on the checks. I don't know what the hell "just for one weekend" means. He is a father every day and every hour to her. He doesn't "avoid" her. He doesn't answer her text messages when she is writing how much she hates him and sends 100 texts in one hour saying "I hate you" over and over. That is the only avoidance he has done. But your post really pisses me off. He is NOT an absentee father by choice. She has made it so.  

Yes, when your husband goes to the city she is in for some other purpose - to visit his mother, to visit his son, he tries to see her, too. That makes her secondary. How about he go to that town to visit HER. He tries to make her see him on HIS terms. Why not let her set the terms for one visit?

She got a new laptop to do things she could have just as easily done on the old laptop or in the school computer lab. And how do you know it won't help her career or schooling? I have a number of incredibly talented artist friends and a top of the line computer can make a HUGE difference in their work- and not just the graphic designers. And again, it's a laptop. It will have a useful life of 1-3 years, but that's better than a 1 week trip to Cabo.

And what I mean by that last part is that you have very clearly stated that your DH doesn't even want to talk to her, that he hasn't for about 4 years, ever since she turned into a teenager. You said yourself he avoids her. And again, remember the messages his previous actions have sent- his son got in trouble, and he rode to the rescue. He didn't disappear, he acted, he got his son in rehab and now he's still helping his son out. She got bratty and has tried to distance herself. And her father let her. He didn't let his son do that, at least not for too long. He has LET her do that for 4 years.
Maybe it's easier to confront the problem when it's drugs. You can blame the drugs. There's an easily identifiable source of the problem.
There isn't an easily identifiable source of this problem, of this withdrawal. There is nothing external to blame. So, for 4 years, instead of fighting the "I Hate Yous" with "I Love Yous" and the "I don't want to see yous" with "But I want to see you, so I'm going to make it a priority to do so" he has avoided and pulled back. 
He ran into the darkness after his son. Can you honestly say he's done the same for his daughter?

I am NOT trying to call him a bad parent. My grandfather nearly lost a relationship with my Uncle do to issues with my Uncle's wife. They have struggled to rebuild their relationship. My father and brother, despite seeing what happened with my grandfather and uncle almost went the same route. It took my brother being overseas for 2+ years, not even being able to come home for my grandmother's funeral, that made the two of them realize they had to fight for their relationship. But they realized that at 65 and 35.
Your step-daughter is 18. She is fighting for her father's love and attention. She's not doing it in a healthy way, but she doesn't appear to know a healthy way. It's your DH's turn to start fighting for his relationship with his daughter, even if that means fighting with her instead of just giving up and ignoring. He needs to show he cares enough to put some emotion into this.

And I'd much rather you be pissed off at me. I know what I'm saying. I know why I'm saying it. Your step-daughter is 18. She doesn't have a clue.

[Poptart]

*ahem* I know this may be an unpopular opinion but I think you need to butt out of this. This young girl is not your daughter and her issues with her father need to be resolved without you being in the middle, mainly because I think are resentful of the fact that his kids are taking resources from your daughter and although you think you might not be showing it you'd be surprised at what kids can figure out on their own.

Also, teenagers and even grownups often say things that they later regret, sometimes really awful, horrible things, I can tell you that at 27 (I'm 29) now I said to my mother "if you want to die then fine!" this while she was dealing with cancer, and I said it not because I'm a bad person, because I'm not but rather because I was scared, and angry that she was not (in my view) doing more to try and beat the cancer- she was missing appointments and did not want to have surgery. My mom passed away from the cancer and I deeply regret the things I said- but I did learn to never say anything when I'm angry, instead I wait until I'm no longer upset and go from there, and I was 27 before I learned this, so there's still hope for your SD.

If you have any issues with what's going on speak to your husband but don't make the mistake of getting between the relationship your husband has with his daughter-this is not your place, you are her fathers wife and you need to let them solve their issues or risk having her blame you for any future fall outs.

[Deleted]

Lena's post makes me think ...

Does your SD ever see her brother (I mean just the two of them, without your DH), since they live in the same city? If they have a relationship, maybe he can give you or his sister some good advice?

[reader79]

I was wondering how she managed to buy the laptop. Thanks for the clarification. IMHO, as long as you are paying the bills, you get to see the actual bill(s), and pay them direct. There is no reason why she shouldn't give your DH online access to her bursar account. Did she really just text him that she needed $9K, and he handed it over? If you are jointly contributing money to her education, that should include you as well. I also stand behind the idea that if she transfers and loses the scholarship that she has to find the money to replace it herself.

Is there a way for your husband to disengage himself from her for a while? It sounds like he keeps reaching out only to get his fingers slammed in the door. And having to deal with this while his mother is ill is not okay. She is 18, not 8. 

This brings me back to when I was at NYU and the girl in the lecture hall in the row in front of me was bitching to her friend that her dad had bought her a Honda CRV, despite the fact that she had told him that she only wanted to drive a Jeep Wrangler. She just hated him and how he kept trying to ruin her life.

[HoneyBBQ]

Oct 23, 2013 17:07:40 GMT -5 Poptart said:

*ahem* I know this may be an unpopular opinion but I think you need to butt out of this. This young girl is not your daughter and her issues with her father need to be resolved without you being in the middle, mainly because I think are resentful of the fact that his kids are taking resources from your daughter and although you think you might not be showing it you'd be surprised at what kids can figure out on their own.

Also, teenagers and even grownups often say things that they later regret, sometimes really awful, horrible things, I can tell you that at 27 (I'm 29) now I said to my mother "if you want to die then fine!" this while she was dealing with cancer, and I said it not because I'm a bad person, because I'm not but rather because I was scared, and angry that she was not (in my view) doing more to try and beat the cancer- she was missing appointments and did not want to have surgery. My mom passed away from the cancer and I deeply regret the things I said- but I did learn to never say anything when I'm angry, instead I wait until I'm no longer upset and go from there, and I was 27 before I learned this, so there's still hope for your SD.

If you have any issues with what's going on speak to your husband but don't make the mistake of getting between the relationship your husband has with his daughter-this is not your place, you are her fathers wife and you need to let them solve their issues or risk having her blame you for any future fall outs.

I'm not butting in. I'm trying to figure out how to be supportive to my HUSBAND. That's my role. And I care about his relationship with his daughter. I'm not in the middle. I'm no where near the middle. How have you even got that impression? Because I'm upset? Clearly it's taking its toll on my spouse which I do care about. And I do care about my stepdaughter. I want her to succeed and have a happy, productive life. I'm asking questions here so I can help my spouse repair his relationship and improve the situation. I don't have any direct contact with the step daughter at all. So I can hardly be "butting" in.

I have plenty of resources for my own daughter. I don't care about the money in and itself. It is the principle that we aren't an open bank for her to use. That's not productive for her or for us, our retirement, etc. And yes, I do have another college education to fund, but that is not a primary thought or concern. 

[HoneyBBQ]

Oct 23, 2013 17:10:23 GMT -5 reader79 said:

I was wondering how she managed to buy the laptop. Thanks for the clarification. IMHO, as long as you are paying the bills, you get to see the actual bill(s), and pay them direct. There is no reason why she shouldn't give your DH online access to her bursar account. Did she really just text him that she needed $9K, and he handed it over? If you are jointly contributing money to her education, that should include you as well. I also stand behind the idea that if she transfers and loses the scholarship that she has to find the money to replace it herself.

Is there a way for your husband to disengage himself from her for a while? It sounds like he keeps reaching out only to get his fingers slammed in the door. And having to deal with this while his mother is ill is not okay. She is 18, not 8. 

This brings me back to when I was at NYU and the girl in the lecture hall in the row in front of me was bitching to her friend that her dad had bought her a Honda CRV, despite the fact that she had told him that she only wanted to drive a Jeep Wrangler. She just hated him and how he kept trying to ruin her life.

This is the hilarious thing. She won't go to the bank to sign the sheet of paper to allow her to access the money herself. She has to show up in person and sign so she can officially be on the joint account and she won't do it.  Therefore she's just telling us the bills and yeah, we sent her the check. She claimed it was due in like 3 days and she didn't have time to send us the bill. And H trusted her. It's so dumb I want to strangle myself. 

[HoneyBBQ]

Oct 23, 2013 17:07:41 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

Lena's post makes me think ...

Does your SD ever see her brother (I mean just the two of them, without your DH), since they live in the same city? If they have a relationship, maybe he can give you or his sister some good advice?

They both live with their mother still.

The brother can't stand being around the sister because she's such a brat. H gave the son the check for $100 to give to the daughter. And she started screaming at the brother.

Just stuff like that.

God this just sounds like a made up train wreck. 

[HoneyBBQ]

Oct 23, 2013 17:07:32 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

Yes, when your husband goes to the city she is in for some other purpose - to visit his mother, to visit his son, he tries to see her, too. That makes her secondary. How about he go to that town to visit HER. He tries to make her see him on HIS terms. Why not let her set the terms for one visit?

She got a new laptop to do things she could have just as easily done on the old laptop or in the school computer lab. And how do you know it won't help her career or schooling? I have a number of incredibly talented artist friends and a top of the line computer can make a HUGE difference in their work- and not just the graphic designers. And again, it's a laptop. It will have a useful life of 1-3 years, but that's better than a 1 week trip to Cabo.

And what I mean by that last part is that you have very clearly stated that your DH doesn't even want to talk to her, that he hasn't for about 4 years, ever since she turned into a teenager. You said yourself he avoids her. And again, remember the messages his previous actions have sent- his son got in trouble, and he rode to the rescue. He didn't disappear, he acted, he got his son in rehab and now he's still helping his son out. She got bratty and has tried to distance herself. And her father let her. He didn't let his son do that, at least not for too long. He has LET her do that for 4 years.
Maybe it's easier to confront the problem when it's drugs. You can blame the drugs. There's an easily identifiable source of the problem.
There isn't an easily identifiable source of this problem, of this withdrawal. There is nothing external to blame. So, for 4 years, instead of fighting the "I Hate Yous" with "I Love Yous" and the "I don't want to see yous" with "But I want to see you, so I'm going to make it a priority to do so" he has avoided and pulled back. 
He ran into the darkness after his son. Can you honestly say he's done the same for his daughter?

I am NOT trying to call him a bad parent. My grandfather nearly lost a relationship with my Uncle do to issues with my Uncle's wife. They have struggled to rebuild their relationship. My father and brother, despite seeing what happened with my grandfather and uncle almost went the same route. It took my brother being overseas for 2+ years, not even being able to come home for my grandmother's funeral, that made the two of them realize they had to fight for their relationship. But they realized that at 65 and 35.
Your step-daughter is 18. She is fighting for her father's love and attention. She's not doing it in a healthy way, but she doesn't appear to know a healthy way. It's your DH's turn to start fighting for his relationship with his daughter, even if that means fighting with her instead of just giving up and ignoring. He needs to show he cares enough to put some emotion into this.

And I'd much rather you be pissed off at me. I know what I'm saying. I know why I'm saying it. Your step-daughter is 18. She doesn't have a clue.

You must have missed the post where he has tried to see HER and HER only and been rebuked time and time again.

I'd have rather had her go to Cabo and do a bunch of blow and get something out of her system. And a laptop can last a heck of a lot longer than 1-3 years if you are responsible with it. And I already posted she HAS a laptop WITH a warranty. She won't take it to the store to be repaired because she is too lazy. Seriously. This is just a dumb argument. She is not doing graphic design or software code. She is posting on twitter and writing on her blog and posting pictures of herself doing that fishface thing. She is NOT being productive with it at this point. 

"And what I mean by that last part is that you have very clearly stated that your DH doesn't even want to talk to her, that he hasn't for about 4 years, ever since she turned into a teenager."  I did not say that. I said she has been an angry drama queen for 4 years.  

And you've got it all wrong with the son. Dad did not come to the rescue. Believe me. You can't rescue drug addicts. You've got it all wrong.  You have no clue and are making wide sweeping assumptions about what he did or didn't do. There may be some correlation with her acting out to get attention. That may be true. But it is not because Dad rode in a white horse and scooped his other child out of the darkness.  

You saying he is not being a real Dad is ridiculous. 

[HoneyBBQ]

Oct 23, 2013 17:04:07 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

So, I know this is not a Lifetime movie, but it's kind of strange that she is not allowing him to see her.  She is not like bulimic/anorexic or on drugs or something and looks horrible, etc?  right?

She sees the mom quite regularly. So I'm assuming not. I can't claim to really know, but I don't think so. I think we know the signs of an addict at this point but she might surprise us. But she really hates drugs and was angry about what happened to her brother so I don't think so but anything is possible. 

[HoneyBBQ]

Oct 23, 2013 17:06:26 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

It's unfortunate that she won't see or speak to her Dad unless she wants something from him. My children got to the point where they only called their Dad when they wanted something and I let them know I didn't like it. I'm not a fan of his at all, but imo that's not how you treat people, even him. I told them if they can't call him and say "Hey Dad, how you been doing" once in a while, don't call him and ask him for money. If you're not going to deal with somebody, then just don't deal with them. Don't try to use them.

It sounds like a sad situation, whatever is going on with your step daughter. I know you and your DH want her to be ok and it doesn't sound like she is right now. I'm sorry. 

I wish the ex were as thoughtful as you. H told me about the divorce class he had to take where they stressed that as parents you still have to work as a team around your children even if you hate each other. Obviously H got the memo but ex didn't. 

[Works4me]

Maybe pull back and wait until she initiates contact next time she wants something? At that time you can establish parameters and might even insist on family therapy - with modern technology, distance does not need to be a determining factor.

In addition, I would recommend that you and your husband consult with a professional. Something is seriously wrong with this young woman who hates everyone and everything.

Like a rabid dog she is crying out for help and then biting those who try to help. If nothing else, the inaccurate messages received from her mother (can't afford doctors because dad is not paying) would major issues.

Something is not right and the money issues are just he symptom. SS used drugs, she is using anger and alienation. Love, hugs, and support to all of you.

[Poptart]

I'm sorry but calling an 18 year old kid a brat is just not cool, how would you feel if you and your husband divorced and 16 years from now his new wife were calling your kid a brat? Just saying...

[whoisjohngalt]

Oct 23, 2013 17:50:52 GMT -5 Poptart said:

I'm sorry but calling an 18 year old kid a brat is just not cool, how would you feel if you and your husband divorced and 16 years from now his new wife were calling your kid a brat? Just saying...

Hmmm.....at what age is it OK to call someone a brat?

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Oct 23, 2013 17:50:52 GMT -5 Poptart said:

I'm sorry but calling an 18 year old kid a brat is just not cool, how would you feel if you and your husband divorced and 16 years from now his new wife were calling your kid a brat? Just saying...

Brat:  A child, especially a spoiled or ill-mannered one.

I think we should call a spade a spade.  It sounds like it's a heck of a lot nicer than many things she could be called! 

[ohhkay2]

She is a brat... and "bratty" is the nice description -__-

It seems like your husband set himself up to be treated this way. If she's been acting this way for 4 years it would seem as though he would have had plenty of chances to correct her behavior. It's much easier to correct a child vs an "adult" who's been allowed to get away with it for years. I'm sure in her eyes it's acceptable if that's how they've always interacted. She fusses and disrespects him and he eventually caves. 

I honestly don't think her "school" behavior is that bad/the main issue. You've said you wouldn't have a problem with her actions if her approach was more respectful in how she approached it. It really comes down to what you husband will accept. Is he okay just being a blank check to her? Is he okay supporting someone who is clearly showing she wants no relationship with him outside of financial support? If not, what is he willing to do to change their dynamics? It's a lot harder to establish boundries now that they've started this college journey. 

Does he even know her enough to know how she would respond if he no longer paid for school? Would that be the reality call she needs or would she blame him, withdraw further away, and never get back into school? I don't think it's as simple as taking out loans and paying them off for good grades simply because it doesn't seem to be her grades that are the issue, but her disrespect of her dad. And that's not really something you can force. I'm actually not even sure it's fair to try to force it if that money was saved for her by somebody else.

If I'm understanding the money situation, the 40-50k is hers, is it not? Does she know the balance? Could you two just personally disengage, set up a direct deposit from that account to hers every month for $250 and write the check to the school every semester. I mean, she is in school and I'm assuming she's making good grades. She is using the money for its intended purposes. I can understand not wanting to deal with her attitude or hand over your personal funds when she's acting like an ingrate, but I'd let her drain that account as long as she's actually going to school and progressing -shrugs-

[Poptart]

Honestly- it sounds like this is a case where dad is happy just being an ATM, he gives money and that's enough, and the kids suffer because of the neglect and end up being called brats. Nice.

[justme]

At 18, I assume this is her first semester at college. So no one probably knows what grades she's actually making. She might not know entirely either, if a lot of her classes are performance based.

[HoneyBBQ]

Oct 23, 2013 18:48:41 GMT -5 Poptart said:

Honestly- it sounds like this is a case where dad is happy just being an ATM, he gives money and that's enough, and the kids suffer because of the neglect and end up being called brats. Nice.

You must have some sort of reading comprehension problem. You might want to get looked at by a professional.

[swamp]

Oct 23, 2013 19:24:38 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

Oct 23, 2013 18:48:41 GMT -5 Poptart said:

Honestly- it sounds like this is a case where dad is happy just being an ATM, he gives money and that's enough, and the kids suffer because of the neglect and end up being called brats. Nice.

You must have some sort of reading comprehension problem. You might want to get looked at by a professional

Or has a very naive view of how some kids of divorce can be influenced negatively by the other parent. 

Or has never met a bitchy 18 year old. 

[Pants]

Honey - no solutions, just wanted you to know there's hope. I snapped out of my insane bitchiness towards my family at around 22. That's seemed pretty standard with most of my friends as well. My parents mostly just laughed it off and waited it out.

[973beachbum]

Honey, this may sound weird but I think you and your husband need to see a therapist yourselves.  I know she won't go and you can't make her.  I think this is causing you two great distress and thruthfully there is nothing you can actually do to make her stop acting like she is.  maybe the counseling would help you two try and figure out how to decide how you want to deal with this in the future.  That future may include cutting her out of your lives.  It sounds harsh but it sounds like no one is getting anything good out of this relationship and it has the potential to drag everyone down to her level.

Personally no one would get a dime out of my bank account unless they asked in a way I was happy with.  No way would I give in to stalking type rants in the form of hundreds of texts.  I personally would block the texts.  If she really wants the money she can call up like a normal person or even, God forbid, see us in person. -faint-If they don't do that, then I guess they don't really need to talk to us.

I am not a step parent but no one is ever going to treat me like shit and act like I have to pay them for it! 

[KaraBoo]

Honey - Hugs.... 

As a step-parent myself, this sounds much deeper than what most others have suggested here.  To me, it sounds like parental alienation.  I could be totally off-base, but if she acts this horribly to everyone, then she had to learn the behavior from someone and that would most likely be the custodial parent (mom in this case).  If the parental alienation is severe, and she believes everything that she's been told, there may not be much he can do about it until she grows up, matures and starts to see things from an adult perspective.  The potentially bad side is she might not ever reach that point and always blame her dad/others for her unhappiness rather than reflecting inwards.

The other big issue isn't how your SD is behaving, but rather how your DH has responded to her behavior.  He has not insisted that she respect him as her father, but rather allowed her to dictate the terms of their relationship.  Insisting on that respect starts early, before the child is in the teenage years.  If I were to guess, I would say that he was lenient towards his children when they were younger (and easier), but once they started having the desire to forge their own path (rebel), he reacted as he always did - by being lenient, and they steamrolled him.  I could be totally wrong, but I'm in the middle of the exact same thing with my own DH and step-kids right now as well.

If this is the case, then there is only one thing I can suggest for your DH - and that is for him to start respecting himself first and do that by insist his daughter respect him.  Whatever he decides is appropriate in responding towards her disrespect, he needs to stand by - no wavering, no waffling.  This will be HARD for him (if he's anything like my DH).  He loves his children and only wants the best for them.  Standing up for himself seems counter-productive because he wants them to know he loves them and he'll show them that in whatever way they will allow.  Until he reflects inwards himself and understands why he reacts to her in the way that he does, the cycle will not end.

Just my two cents.....

[giramomma]

I was about 18 when I started to get that my childhood wasn't "right." I wasn't really exposed to any other relationship other than my parents marriage (my folks had no friends, I was discouraged from having interactions with friends outside of school, there was no extended family). So I didn't know how normal people/families functioned until I left for college. It was right about this time that I started to be able to process things...

My mom is mentally ill and has never sought treatment.  She also made sure that I was alienated from my dad. Still makes sure of the alienation, actually.

Once I really understood what was happening and made peace with it in my early 30's, I felt sorry for my mom. I'm still actually fairly angry with my dad. He failed as a parent, but not ever protecting me from my mom's abuse. I understand why he made the decisions he made, especially since I carry on the "traditional" male role in our family. I still don't agree with his choices.

There's also the theory that we take things out the most on those that we know will provide a soft landing for us. Maybe all the hurt, etc, has been pent up, and it's coming out now?

Just because your step daughter was seeing a therapist doesn't mean that it was a good fit for her. My 4th therapist is the one that "got" me and the situation. (Actually, I still find it remarkable that she could put everything about me together in our first session, while others never were able to after seeing them for a year.) I also found out that I do much better with a CBT therapist vs just one that I talk to for 40 minutes. I also had therapists tell me that perhaps I was imagining things with my parents and they were "harmless" because they acted in a "loving" way to me.

Maybe her pissing off everyone and getting space will give your daughter enough room to begin to process her mom and understand her "truths."  I'm not saying that's the best way to deal with it. But, just like babies do not come with handbooks, kids are not given handbooks on how to deal with less than stellar parents, (referring to the bio mom here.)

[KaraBoo]

I want to share what I'm currently going through with my own DH.

Like you, we have been on the receiving end of some very horrible things said by my SS (3 step-kids - OSD 17, SS 15 and YSD 13 - all live with us full time - see their mom every other weekend).  Even though the kids have lived with us for over 6 years now, SS believed everything his mom told him about how horrible his father and I are.  And I mean EVERYTHING - I broke up their marriage (lie), his father doesn't love him/them, we only wanted custody so we didn't have to pay child support, us asking for custody was only to make them and their mom miserable, their dad is abusive - both verbally and physically (not!), and many many other things I can't remember right now.

At 15, SS STILL believes everything his mom says (to a point).

For the last.....oh.....2 years?.....I've been miserable in my own home.  The stress and disrespect that has been going on has given me health problems and depression.  We're having money problems as well, but it's just been in the last couple of weeks that I've realized that the majority of my stresses at home go back to one specific issue that involves my DH.  And that issue is respect.

DH has not insisted that his own kids respect him.  He allows them to walk all over him - for a couple of reasons - 1) DH's father was abusive towards him and he doesn't want to even come close to that line with his own kids and 2) DH doesn't want the lies his ex has told the kids to seem true.

I've come to realize that with the kids not having any respect for their father, I was/am starting to lose respect for him as well.  If he doesn't insist that they respect him, why should I?  Love should be enough....but it isn't.  

I have a strong personality - I will not have a child disrespecting an adult.  I definitely will not be disrespected in my own home.  SS (and YSD) would disrespect me, I would not stand for it and (despite popular belief that it's not my place to do this), I would discipline the kids for their disrespect.  I would tell DH about it (he would witness it as well) and the most the kids would get from him is a "you're grounded - don't do that again" and a day later he'd be allowing them to do whatever they were supposedly grounded from.  Where as, I'd stick to my punishment and be called all sorts of names behind my back (they learned not to say anything to my face pretty quickly - call me a b*tch and I'll prove you right by actually acting like one).

The difference is, the kids know that if tell them something, I mean it.  If DH tells them something, they know he's full of it and they walk all over him because of it.  Even though I still get the attitude, there is a measure of respect towards me from the kids.  There is nothing but disrespect towards their father - and it shows.

I finally had a talk with my DH last Monday.  I told him how I was feeling (about losing respect for him) and how it was causing me to question whether or not I want to stay with him.  I reminded him that I love him, I love his kids, but I don't have to put up with what I've been putting up with.  The kids have two parents and I'm not one of them.  If their own parents didn't insist on being respected, why was I putting up with it?  The short answer is I don't have to put up with it and if something didn't change, then I wasn't going to continue putting up with it (yes, I told him I would divorce him in so many words).

It was a very negative subject-matter conversation.  Neither of us came out of the conversation feeling negative.  DH finally (FINALLY!) realized what I've been trying to convey to him all of these years.  He's realized that he's allowed his kids to be disrespectful and what I've been warning him about for years is now coming true.  

SS tested DH this past Friday (after DH and I had our talk on Monday).  DH did not allow his son to disrespect him and actually stood up to his son and his attitude.  I walked in on their "battle" after it started and witnessed SS actually backing down to his father standing firm.  In 10 years of being married, it was the first time I've ever seen DH stand that firm towards any of his kids.  I was very proud of him!

The thing is - SS's attitude has been different since Friday.  He's still testing his father's firmness, but he's realizing that something is different.  I can see it in SS's face and his stance.  I'm sure there's going to be more "battles" for power, but if DH stands firm like he did, they should be fairly short-lived.

Don't get me wrong - none of DH's kids are bad kids.  They are kids trying to push boundaries and figure out who they are and what control over life they actually have.  Nothing they have done is so serious that I would leave their father over because of their actions (I was just as bad, if not worse when I was their age and my parents are still together - I know their behavior is a teenage thing).  They will eventually grow up and move out.  My thoughts of divorce are purely because of the actions of DH and I told him that.

Just thought I would share because Honey's situation with her DH sounds like what my life would be like in another 3-5 years if something doesn't change now.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I'm only through page 2.
I really, really, really, REALLY do understand why you're mad.
Absolutely get it. No excuse for that type of behavior.

Lena, I agree with your parenting approach. I too am strict, but we (DH who is my DD's stepdad) try really hard to work through things on a logical/rationale/adult level with DD#1 who is now 15. I think part of that helps with her transition to adulthood. My parents were incredibly strict but never discussed anything with me. So, I rebelled my senior year of high school. I couldn't be perfect anymore. So I went almost to the other side of the spectrum (no drugs/illegal activities).

I also don't think $250 per month is too much. I currently pay $200 per month for DD #2's dance stuff (tuition/costumes/attire).
For DSS #1, we paid for his cell phone, his car insurance, and let him come home to do laundry and have dinner several times per month. He had a job; this was in addition to us paying about 25% of his tuition. But, our expectations were clear up front.


I'd be concerned about the potential release of the SS#, though if she has a copy of her FAFSA, she could get it anyway.

Does/has your DH ever ask her why she behaves this way?

Okay, on to pages 3 and 4.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I'm at the end of page three.

DSS#2 just turned 23 and is still not speaking to us since last November 3 when we told him he couldn't come home after he quit his job, moved out, and wanted to live in the woods. We did tell him in August when he left that he couldn't come back. My point is, he's 23. We hope he's sane by the time he's 30.

Is your DH open to setting expectations for the money now?
Can you have the tuition bills sent to you since that's how she scammed you out of $3K?
That's what we did with DS #1--not that he was a problem like this. If I'm paying the bill, I actually want to see the bill.

Hugs!!!

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Okay, so you haven't actually seen/talked to her years? Your reaction is based on what DH tells you? --No judgement, just clarifying.

I know you probably know this already, but I am going to say it anyway. You can talk to your DH about this situation, the two of you can come up with a plan, be as involved with him as you need to be. When it comes time to talking to his daughter, that needs to be him and him alone. You should not be in the room. It's even better if you aren't even in the house. I say this as someone who had a good relationship with both of my parents and a decent relationship with both of my step-parents. This is about her relationship to her father. In her presence, you need to keep yourself out of it. Trying to be there, even in support of your DH, just makes you the bad guy, just makes her think that if she can get Dad alone, she'll get what she wants. The two of you do not need to come to an agreement with her, he needs to come to an agreement with her.

I absolutley 100% disagree with this portion of your post.
They are a partnership, and IMO to be a healthy parternship, they should be in agreement or at least compromise. I am interpreting your position based on how my and DH's relationship functions, and I know you're basing your opinion on how it went with your parents/step-parents. My DH doesn't get to make financial or otherwise life-impacting decision without me. There's no point in us being married if he's going to do that.

HoneyBBQ, is there a court order stating your DH pays for DSS's tuition or give her money every month now that she's 18?

(I've read through the end of page 4)

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

HoneyBBQ,
Interesting; I feel a bit of camaraderie with you in the step-parenting scheme of things.
 I'm curious to see your answers/updates.

And as I sometimes do like to point out--I have an English degree and still make $81K per year. Not all liberal arts degrees are a horrible plan. (I'm really just trying to help you smile.)

I do hope you feel better after venting.

Hugs!
Chloe