gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Oct 23, 2013 12:15:12 GMT -5
She sounds horrible but at the same time your description of her is of an angry and sad adolescent. I actually feel rather sorry for her (as well as you) and think she could use some professional help. Have you considered giving her two written options: (a) you and DH subsidize her education in return for decent grades until she graduates in four years; (b) she can take the grandfather's trust fund in a lump sum and figure out how to pay for the rest on her own, with the understanding that you will not be making any further contributions.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Oct 23, 2013 12:18:51 GMT -5
I wanted to add that my DD is a HS senior and we are deep in the checking out colleges and looking to see what we would have to fill out for them. I have seen some interesting questions on the apps but never did any of them ask for a CV. A financial aid report and access to our 1040's yes but a CV no. If it is just a matter of needing to say where you two went to college and where wouldn't she already know that without the CV?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 12:19:32 GMT -5
what is a CV?
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 12:20:43 GMT -5
That's another one of my parenting fears, our boys growing up ungrateful rude little shits. My DH thinks I am too strict with them and expect too much, but seriously, I can't even imagine that kind of crap coming out of their mouth(s) when they are 18. My DD used to be so nice and respectful. Then she turned 16. I am not sure what I would do in your place HBBQ. She is going to college for theater arts? I am not sure if maybe switching to archeology might actually be more useful. Most people don't actually work in theater so maybe the fallback could be being an HS Earth Science teacher? I know it sounds strange but it sounds more useful to me. As far as what I would give it it literally depends. Is she going to a fairly cheap CC or a super pricey private college? I would probably pay more at the CC in the thought that if she dropped out it would be a less expensive mistake. I know everyone is supposed to go to college and get 4.0's in engineering without a hiccup but for a lot of people it doesn't work out like that. And I would rather my kids wasted $10K on their growing up mistake than $100K. Just a thought. We knew she'd be like this for awhile. We just expected or thought she'd snap out of it in college. Or at least simmer down. Not get worse. She is in theater, but she does production, painting, sewing, backstage stuff. And she's actually pretty talented in it - enough to get a 50% scholarship at a state school. She picked a private dorm room.... I think she's just mad and is trying something new. If I thought she'd actually get an anthropology degree or if she actually liked anthropology for that matter - I'd be more supportive. I'm not sure what you mean about 10k vs 100k. She's going to state school + living in a dorm. That's more than 10k a semester. It will (and is growing to be) and expensive mistake.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 12:22:46 GMT -5
She sounds horrible but at the same time your description of her is of an angry and sad adolescent. I actually feel rather sorry for her (as well as you) and think she could use some professional help. Have you considered giving her two written options: (a) you and DH subsidize her education in return for decent grades until she graduates in four years; (b) she can take the grandfather's trust fund in a lump sum and figure out how to pay for the rest on her own, with the understanding that you will not be making any further contributions. I understand where you're coming from. I was an angry and upset teenager - and I am sympathetic to that role. However she is way beyond that. She screams at her 80 yr old grandmother. She's really really a horrible person right now. Even her Dad thinks so. I actually wrote H and told him exactly what you said there. We need to give her 2 options and go from there.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 12:23:11 GMT -5
Curriculum vitae. Fancy resume.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 12:24:17 GMT -5
I wanted to add that my DD is a HS senior and we are deep in the checking out colleges and looking to see what we would have to fill out for them. I have seen some interesting questions on the apps but never did any of them ask for a CV. A financial aid report and access to our 1040's yes but a CV no. If it is just a matter of needing to say where you two went to college and where wouldn't she already know that without the CV? I have no idea. This is another thing... she asks for things but she won't tell us what they are for. That was her answer when we asked why she needed it. She's very manipulative and she lies. Who really knows?
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Oct 23, 2013 12:27:13 GMT -5
I was thinking you meant a CC when you said a commuter college. By me that would be about $8K a year plus books. I keep hearing on this board though, that a state school cost less than that in every place except where I live. I didn't remember where you lived so I had no idea what a college would cost. My DD right now is looking at a private college that costs $53K a year.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Oct 23, 2013 12:27:37 GMT -5
Yep she sounds angry and resentful. She has a sense of entitlement from the father she thinks abandoned her and the woman who took him away. She'll grow out of it.........being a step parent is a very hard thing to take on I'd set boundaries and work out a plan, as above. She may be grateful....or not....but she isn't the only person to consider so can't expect to have her own way every time she throws a tantrum. You can not afford to waste money. My own daughter messed about at college....She thought it was a social club and didn't try hard enough for good grades. I refused to fund her University whilst she had such a poor attitude because I can't afford to waste that kind of money. She went to work instead... and grew up very fast. If she needs to go back to get more qualifications... I'll consider the funding again
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 12:33:20 GMT -5
I was thinking you meant a CC when you said a commuter college. By me that would be about $8K a year plus books. I keep hearing on this board though, that a state school cost less than that in every place except where I live. I didn't remember where you lived so I had no idea what a college would cost. My DD right now is looking at a private college that costs $53K a year. Sorry, yeah, it's a state school that primarily caters to people working FT and commuting. Small dorm community, etc. I think tuition is around 20k a year or a semester. Or something. I honestly don't know. She is also in another state. $53k. OMG. I really need to up DD's college fund contributions, lol.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 23, 2013 12:36:01 GMT -5
HBBQ, I don't have any advice. I'm just sorry to hear your step daughter is being a butthead.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 12:37:49 GMT -5
Yep she sounds angry and resentful. She has a sense of entitlement from the father she thinks abandoned her and the woman who took him away. She'll grow out of it.........being a step parent is a very hard thing to take on I'd set boundaries and work out a plan, as above. She may be grateful....or not....but she isn't the only person to consider so can't expect to have her own way every time she throws a tantrum. You can not afford to waste money. My own daughter messed about at college....She thought it was a social club and didn't try hard enough for good grades. I refused to fund her University whilst she had such a poor attitude because I can't afford to waste that kind of money. She went to work instead... and grew up very fast. If she needs to go back to get more qualifications... I'll consider the funding again That is what my parents did with my brother. They paid for a year of college and then said, no more. He never went back.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 23, 2013 12:43:08 GMT -5
I wanted to add that my DD is a HS senior and we are deep in the checking out colleges and looking to see what we would have to fill out for them. I have seen some interesting questions on the apps but never did any of them ask for a CV. A financial aid report and access to our 1040's yes but a CV no. If it is just a matter of needing to say where you two went to college and where wouldn't she already know that without the CV? This kind of bothers me. I know that my CV has my SS# on it because it is used for grant applications. My concern would be that she would use his SS# in order to open up lines of credit.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Oct 23, 2013 12:46:17 GMT -5
Sorry to hear that your step daughter is a total bitch. I can't think of any specific advice. Except that I think your husband is right in that she'd blow all the money and not get her degree, if you ended up giving it all to her. In principle, I agree with you, that's her problem if that happens. But your husband doesn't sound like the type to say "sorry honey, no more scratch from dear old Dad." I imagine you'd just end up paying for college 2-3 times, just like his son.
I also agree with you that your husband should have laid out clear expectations on college funding prior to her even starting. I think it's fine for parents to help out with college, but they should be able to dictate the terms they wish.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 23, 2013 12:50:38 GMT -5
I'd be as concerned about the lie (to get the laptop) as about the nastiness! I'm sorry, but if you lie to me you put in question everything you say, or do. That's just me, and my kids knew it. If there's a problem, we can discuss it. If there's a need, we can evaluate it. If there's a lie, we're dead in the water. That's the rule in my house and always has been. I really feel for you, and for your DH, Honey. I imagine he's devastated to have been treated so badly by his own daughter, for whom the two of you are doing so much. It's not only hurtful, it's shaming. While it will probably be very difficult for him, he really needs to sit down with his female progeny and lay down a set of rules. She is beholden to the two of you. The two of you are NOT beholden to her. If she wants to go to school, she needs to earn that privilege, one way or the other. She can follow the rules, or she can make up her own, go her own way, and manage it by herself. Otherwise, this sort of thing will continue. It will not only continue to hurt the two of you, but it will ... over time ... destroy her. People just don't take to that behavior and she is not an island. Good luck to all of you. It sounds like you're going to need it!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 12:58:08 GMT -5
This is something I thought he should do ahead of time. Set out expectations, sign a contract, everyone knows what to do. However, my H tends to try to avoid her so much because everything becomes so much drama.... he just stuck his head in the sand and now we are paying the price. Is it possible that she acts the way she does because she wants her Dad's attention even if it's in a negative way? I don't know the history or how long he's been trying to avoid her. If he's just been the money man and they don't really have a bond, her behavior may be rooted in Daddy issues. Just a thought. ETA: I wrote that before I saw that she also screams at her 80yo grandmother.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Oct 23, 2013 13:08:19 GMT -5
You step-daughter sounds like a brat.
How involved is her mom? Is her mom helping her out at all? Or is she not in the picture? Because sometimes I think that the attitude and entitement can come from the other parent. At least I remember being in high school and having my mother tell me how all our financial issues were because my dad did provide her enough money for child support or alimony, and I'm sure that bled over into my interaction with my dad.
But, I think it takes longer for kids to mature these days. Perhaps it's because they are used to be handed more. I'm not sure.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Oct 23, 2013 13:15:34 GMT -5
A $250 a month allowance? That's crazy. My parents never even dreamed of giving me an allowance in college. They paid for my tuition and room and board. If I wanted spending money, I had to go get a job, which I did.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Oct 23, 2013 13:17:32 GMT -5
That's another one of my parenting fears, our boys growing up ungrateful rude little shits. My DH thinks I am too strict with them and expect too much, but seriously, I can't even imagine that kind of crap coming out of their mouth(s) when they are 18. ....just wait....even kids who have been good, compliant and raised right(at least in the parent's opinion) will do and say some truly awful things. Most times, they grow out of it. Usually that can be helped along by allowing them to face some tough consequences, such as being cut off from additional funds for college until they get it together.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 13:19:04 GMT -5
A $250 a month allowance? That's crazy. My parents never even dreamed of giving me an allowance in college. They paid for my tuition and room and board. If I wanted spending money, I had to go get a job, which I did. I don't think it's necessarily crazy. If the college student is a good kid, taking care of their business and making good grades, and the parents can afford it and want to give him/her $250/month, I don't see anything wrong with it.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 23, 2013 13:20:21 GMT -5
A $250 a month allowance? That's crazy. My parents never even dreamed of giving me an allowance in college. They paid for my tuition and room and board. If I wanted spending money, I had to go get a job, which I did. I don't think it's necessarily crazy. If the college student is a good kid, taking care of their business and making good grades, and the parents can afford it, I don't see anything wrong with it. It's roughly $50 to $65 a week, which I don't think is completely over the top. I plan on making my kids get jobs and not give them spending money, but I don't think $250 a month is outrageous.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Oct 23, 2013 13:22:31 GMT -5
IMHO, the step daughter's actions don't seem all that out of whack to me. They seem pretty normal. I was the good kid in my house, but my older brother was passively aggressively terrible to my mom and my young sister hated my mom throughout her teenage years to the point where she moved out and was homeless for a bit. To me, that is just part of teenage years. ? Really? The worst I ever did was scream I HATE YOU and slam the door to my room. I would have never done that while my own grandparent was clinging to life. You absolutely MUST remember that this isn't about you. Your husband's daughter shouldn't be compared to you. The behavior is in part due to her age and immaturity, and in part, to the way the her father and mother have chosen to handle her upbringing. It is hard to say no but you have to at some point or else, in the end, you're doing the kid a disservice in not allowing them to experience the negative consequence of their actions. At this juncture it is up to your husband to make these decisions in order to see if this kid can straighten out her attitude. Otherwise, she's almost guaranteed a rough time in life.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 23, 2013 13:32:56 GMT -5
I don't know that this will provide any kind of moral support, but my sister finally realized that my dad (her step-dad) wasn't an asshat and actually was trying to help her out all those years....when she hit 40. At 18 she was still an idiot and said lots of terrible things.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 13:35:41 GMT -5
Sometimes they do improve. I wouldn't have given any odds for DD to pull her head out of her ass but at 24 she has done so and it's remarkable. It's very hard to forget what she put me through but I'm working on it. Last night DF FINALLY agreed to pull the plug on Pincesses allowance and give it to his aunt who needs help caring for her husband with Alzheimer's. Things do get better. But don't give her the college money now because she will piss it away and still come t you for more. Don't give her anymore just because she dropped the college that gave her a scholarship. She needs some time off to mature. She can get a job or join peace crop or whatever. She must be living with mom, let mom deal with t since that sense of entitlement came from somewhere. yeah - just because HS ends at 18ish - doesn't mean they get the stamp of "mature" on the grey matter. For DS - he continued to be occasionally hateful and self destructive until maybe 20 or 21....by 23 he is so wonderful I can't believe it. She is still a teen with an immature brain - so don't get too bent out of shape with what she does or says. If she was a sweet child, she will likely come back to being a nice person at sometime - don't eliminate a good relationship in the future because you react emotionally to the adolescent brain. In terms of the money - I think your DH is right to lay it out in some kind of format - so - the gpas money pays tuition, and the parent contribution is room and board. An unsub stafford could be her "spending money"... or some such. It is not being a responsible parent to just hand over the money and let her blow because you don't want to "deal" with continuing interactions -especially if you "know" it is going to go to waste and not be used to complete her education. Not if the goal is to maintain the relationship and to get her educated. As an afterthought: 1800 is not alot for a laptop - and 250 spending is not outrageous for someone away at college. Not saying you need to provide these things or that her sights should NOT be set lower - but they aren't so out there that they are in and of themselves evidence of extreme extravagance. I agree with their brains not being fully developed yet... But $250 is A TON. We already pay for room/board which includes a meal plan. This is just fun, screwing around money. She can't even spend it on beer yet! (legally). And my last laptop I bought $400 used on ebay. There is no way an irresponsible 18 yr old girl needs an $1800 one to use MS Word on.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 13:39:10 GMT -5
You step-daughter sounds like a brat. How involved is her mom? Is her mom helping her out at all? Or is she not in the picture? Because sometimes I think that the attitude and entitement can come from the other parent. At least I remember being in high school and having my mother tell me how all our financial issues were because my dad did provide her enough money for child support or alimony, and I'm sure that bled over into my interaction with my dad. But, I think it takes longer for kids to mature these days. Perhaps it's because they are used to be handed more. I'm not sure. Her mom lives near her. She wanted to stay in the dorm to get away from her mom which we supported. Her mom pays for her cell phone (iphone 5 of course!) and her car but can't/won't pay for her college expenses. Mom did not go to college herself so ... :/ Yes, her mother totally blames us (and especially me) for everything. When we used to send her 5k a month (alimony + child support) her mother would tell the kids that she couldn't afford to take them to the doctor because we wouldn't give them any money. Didn't matter that the mom herself wasn't working.... It's a long, sordid, ugly, crazy past.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 13:41:15 GMT -5
What exactly are the terms of the grandfather's funding? I am assuming he is deceased and this was left as a trust? It was just an account (for each grandchild) with various investments left in H's name and the child's name to pay for the grandchild's college. Not a trust. There were no terms.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 13:42:44 GMT -5
I hate to be like Doxie, but here's more: SD also has a part time work study job that she makes like $10/hr on or something, I think she gets 10-15 hours a week. It's working for the theater department there. So that is great, right? She's making her own spending money. Which we were very proud of her for. But that's HER money. Not her spending money. That has to come from US. Get it?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 13:43:54 GMT -5
I hate to be like Doxie, but here's more: SD also has a part time work study job that she makes like $10/hr on or something, I think she gets 10-15 hours a week. It's working for the theater department there. So that is great, right? She's making her own spending money. Which we were very proud of her for. But that's HER money. Not her spending money. That has to come from US. Get it? She can't be all bad if she has a part time job. even if is it a cushy job where she probably hangs out with her friends and sings show tunes.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 23, 2013 13:48:32 GMT -5
I hate to be like Doxie, but here's more: SD also has a part time work study job that she makes like $10/hr on or something, I think she gets 10-15 hours a week. It's working for the theater department there. So that is great, right? She's making her own spending money. Which we were very proud of her for. But that's HER money. Not her spending money. That has to come from US. Get it? Oh my.................... all I can say is I'm sorry.........
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 13:51:43 GMT -5
I hate to be like Doxie, but here's more: SD also has a part time work study job that she makes like $10/hr on or something, I think she gets 10-15 hours a week. It's working for the theater department there. So that is great, right? She's making her own spending money. Which we were very proud of her for. But that's HER money. Not her spending money. That has to come from US. Get it? Oh my.................... all I can say is I'm sorry......... I know... I just can't ... wrap...my... head...around it.
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