Priority Help

[KaraBoo]

Pink - I love your story and it does help to hear of that happening in other families.  


I know it happens, I've witnessed it happen, but just as often and more I hear about the step-monster or see news stories that directly point fingers to the steps as being the culprit of the child abuse.  I'm against anyone who abuses a child, but many times the story doesn't mention where the actual bio-parents (dad or mom) are to prevent the abuse to begin with.  


THAT rubs me the wrong way - the bio-parent not being scrutinized while the step-parent is automatically vilified.  Probably because of the experience I have with the bio-mom in our case and how she points fingers that we're abusive all the time.  

Sug - I waiver all the time on what I think about BM.  Sometimes I think she has munchausen by proxy (totally my own opinion); sometimes I think she is just really, really clueless; and sometimes I think she's a product of her own up-bringing (I have issues with some of the things HER mom has said to me and can see where the BM gets some of her ideas from).

She tells us how involved she is in the kids lives, but when visits are recounted to us by the kids, the stories don't match up.  

For example: before we gained custody, she told us she spent HOURS helping the oldest with school work every night, that because of that and oldest wasn't improving, then she needed to be diagnosed as learning-disabled).  We'd get the kids over the weekend and oldest would have a huge stack of school papers that needed to be completed before Monday.  We'd spend several hours getting the work done - but this would be several weeks worth of work.  BM worked nights and wasn't home from 3pm-11pm - so how was she really spending hours working with oldest?

When we gained custody, the schools wanted to label her LD.  We fought it and asked for time to catch her up.  Within 3 years of the kids moving in with us - oldest was recommended for pre-AP classes because she caught up that quickly.  (yes, this happened years ago, but is a prime example and easily explainable of the things that we learn that just do not add up)

I just don't know what to think about her - all I know is I cannot comprehend the things that come out of BM's mouth!  

[Deleted]

Jul 2, 2014 19:23:51 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Jul 2, 2014 18:05:09 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

Now on to the next level of our adventure:

Apparently the outpatient program called the bio-mom regarding the physician's recommendation (putting Monkey on a mild anti-depressant) today instead of calling DH.  She in turn called DH to let him know she didn't agree with the treatment plan.

Great....    It's on my to-do list to make sure DH calls the program and lets them know HE needs to be informed first - not the mom - since we have custody and we checked Monkey in to the program and we're paying for the treatment.

This woman will do what she can to convince the kids that taking the medicine a doctor prescribed for them isn't necessary when she doesn't agree with it.  She's done it before and I can see her doing it again in this case.

I talked to Monkey just a little when I picked her up from the program and she already commented that the doctor has a prescription for her.  I asked her what she thought about it and her response was, "I think it will help me."

Good - hopefully she can withstand her mom staying she shouldn't be on it - because I DO think it will help her.

Wow what a bio mom she is, does she really love sabotaging her own children like this.

I know that the bio Mom in this case is "special", but I don't think that in general, disagreeing with putting your child on antidepressants necessarily means sabotage. I'm "special" too, in that I don't think pills are always the answer and are sometimes just the easy way out.

That doesn't mean I disagree with Karaboo being ok with it and thinking that it will help her daughter. I don't know Karaboo or her daughter and I'm not a doctor. Most importantly, I don't judge the parents that are in the trenches (like Karaboo) for the decisions they make for their child's best interest. I want to be clear on that.

[KaraBoo]

I agree with you Pink!!  Totally okay for a parent to be unsure of a treatment plan for their child.  If we had a normal relationship with BM, then I wouldn't think twice about her questioning the need for an anti-depressant.  I've questioned the same thing with my own son and the other kids.

Here's an example of why it's not a good thing for BM to be the first one informed about a decision like this:

Rowdy has sinus drainage - like all.the.time.  It's annoying to hear him sniff, snuffle, and hack at the snot in his nose that doesn't go anywhere.  We took him to the allergy/asthma doctor and had him tested for everything under the sun.  Turns out his issues are environmental - the changing weather will set it off, ozone, vehicle exhaust, cigarette smoke, etc.

She (the doctor, after many tests) recommended a sinus steroid spray to help with the drainage.  It was working pretty good.  He was on it for 6 weeks with multiple visits to his mom's house during this time frame with no comments from her about him being on this med.

Then we "helped" BM by taking the kids to an out of state funeral for her grandmother (she couldn't get the kids there - so we helped.....silly us, being helpful at our own expense!).  When BM's mom saw Rowdy, we'd just spent 6 hours in the car with him craning his neck to view the DVD player we had hooked up - he naturally complained about his neck hurting.  He then spent 2 days around the family who smoke like no tomorrow and didn't take his medicine - so he sniffed, snuffled and tried to pop his neck to get the crick to go away.

I fully admit that Rowdy looked very alarming trying to pop his neck, complaining about his neck pain, all the while sniffing and snuffling.   

However - the two of them (BM and her mom) ganged up on DH and I when we went to pick the kids up, screamed at us that we were, "Killing Rowdy with the nose spray as it was being sprayed DIRECTLY ON HIS BRAIN AND GIVING HIM SEIZURES!!! And to take him off of it IMMEDIATELY or they would sue us for child abuse!!"

Because of his mom's and grandma's outburst - from that point forward Rowdy refused to take any of the medication, no matter what we or the doctor said.  It got to the point that it wasn't worth the fight any more for his issue - so we get to listen to him sniff and snuffle all the time now.

So...ever since then - I'm very cautious about anything medication around her and making sure the kids know exactly why the doctor is prescribing it for them and why it is so important that they take it.

This is just my experience - like I said - I normally agree that parents should be very involved with their kids and what treatments they should or should not get.  We just have to tread lightly in our situation.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Geez, Kara - sounds to me like the kids' Bio Mom is trying to sabotage your parenting every chance she gets in an effort to make you out to be the "bad guy".

She sounds very bitter and vindictive.

[Jaguar]

Jul 2, 2014 20:15:57 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Geez, Kara - sounds to me like the kids' Bio Mom is trying to sabotage your parenting every chance she gets in an effort to make you out to be the "bad guy".

She sounds very bitter and vindictive.

At her own children's expense.

[taz157]

Jul 2, 2014 20:21:17 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Jul 2, 2014 20:15:57 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Geez, Kara - sounds to me like the kids' Bio Mom is trying to sabotage your parenting every chance she gets in an effort to make you out to be the "bad guy".

She sounds very bitter and vindictive.

At her own children's expense.

[KaraBoo]

Hey Guys!

I'm up against a conundrum and need some advice.

Things are going forward with the job change - but not quite as smoothly as planned.  The job was posted on Monday and I was supposed to apply for it immediately.  Of course, a wrench was thrown into the system.....

My boss, the president of the hospital I work for, is out of the country, half the world away, for two weeks.  I cannot talk to her until she gets back.  I would have preferred to have been able to give her my resignation in person yesterday at my usual Tuesday meeting, but of course that couldn't happen.  This now delays everything for two weeks and longer (hiring for a position like mine isn't something that anyone can walk off the street and do).

So....the new boss/mentor and I have been talking.  Neither of us feel comfortable about springing this information on the president when she returns.  It just feels "icky" and "not right" to both of us.  However, the person's position that I'm taking over leaves this Friday, so I will be doing double-duty for the foreseeable future.  Delaying the process just drags the double-duty on longer.  This leads us both to question whether I should send a "head's up email" to the president so she knows what she's walking into when she returns.  I've been told that she planned on checking her email when/if service is available while she is out of country (not in a place where it is easily accessible - she's in a developing country - it's not like she's in Canada or Western Europe).

So....if you were the boss...would you want a heads up email?  Or would it be tacky in this situation?  I'm still on the fence and the new boss/mentor has said the choice is mine to make.

[mmhmm]

Personally, I'd appreciate a heads up.  I always have appreciated it when people let me know of unusual developments instead of allowing me to walk into them unprepared. 

[KaraBoo]

I agree mmhmm - I'm just having a hard time with it - I've never given a "head's up, I'm leaving" message over email before.  I've always done it in person as soon as I was aware of the change (usually when offered the position - never before interviewing).

I just need to get over it and realize that this is a special circumstance that calls for a special response.

[mmhmm]

It really is a special circumstance, Kara, and can be handled as such, I think. Just a quick, professional email explaining what's happened and what you and your mentor have planned would be something I'd really appreciate. That way, if I had any input I could email it back to both of you and feel I'd been kept in the loop.

[Apple]

First, be very careful about mentioning anything you and your mentor/new boss have decided pre-interview if there are hiring policies that "have to be followed" and positions "cannot be pre-selected" (all in quotes because we all know how things really go...)  Just try to avoid putting that in writing if it could come back on someone.

Did your boss know this could be a possibility before she left?  If so, it won't be a big shock.  If not, and it were me, I would still want a heads up.  It shouldn't ruin the vacation, but it's nice to know of big changes like that before you come back into the office.

I would make it clear that you regret letting her know you'll be applying for the other position through email, but because of the timing of the job announcement, you felt a written heads-up was better than none.  I'd follow with "if I get the job..." and something about continuing previous job tasks until they can get someone hired (if you don't think that's going to take an extremely long amount of time).

[KaraBoo]

I agree, but apparently my mentor has already talked to the recruiter and was told that was fine that she already had someone she intended to hire.  The position still has to be posted, I'll still have to be officially "interviewed", but the recruiter and mentor's boss know the intent is for me to move into the position.  The only one who doesn't know is my current boss.

She may be partially aware though - the news that the other lady put in her notice happened before she left out of the country.  I did not speak with her before she left because I didn't know she was leaving or I would have mentioned something as a courtesy - even before discussions with the mentor.

I'm working on my email - I'll let y'all see it when I get done - tweaking it now....

[KaraBoo]

Drat!!  I just posted it and then lost it.....hopefully this doesn't double post.....

I would prefer to have this conversation in person, but under the current circumstances, I wanted to extend the courtesy to you as early as possible. I truly apologize that I have to inform you of my intention by email as I strongly believe this deserves an in-person conversation.

You may have heard that (coworker) in the (new) Office has tendered her resignation at (new office) effective July 11, 2014. After deep thought, consideration of multiple angles and discussions with (mentor), I have decided to apply for the posted position at (new office).

As I have stated before, the original decision to hire me for (current position) was a disservice to the physicians, to the hospital and to me. My current position deserves to have someone who is further advanced in their knowledge and experience than I currently am. I strongly believe this is the correct move for both my own career path and for the future of (current hospital).

(Mentor) has a potential candidate to offer as a suggested replacement for my position should the transfer go forward. It is my understanding that this candidate has many years of experience, extensive background in the field and has participated both in a start-up facility and as a solo office.

I will, of course, continue handling all of my duties and assignment while the process of filling the vacant position at (new office) proceeds. I am available for any conversation you would like to have once you return to the office.

[taz157]

Sounds good to me.

[mmhmm]

Sounds good to me, as well, Kara.

[KaraBoo]

  Thanks guys!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I agree it's only fair to give your current boss advance notice (via email) so it's not a "surprise" later.

It seems only fair. Even if you don't get a response right away, at least you know you took the steps to inform her - she may get it sooner than you expect she would, given her location.

At least she'll have the heads-up on your plans.

[resolution]

I would probably change the second to last sentence to "I would," rather than "I will," that keeps it as a potential rather than a certain event.

[imanangel]

Jun 30, 2014 20:14:18 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

Oh - we did Sug!!  We were blown off and told we were making a big deal out of nothing - that WE were ruining her life.  


Uh....okay chica....you have NO idea!!!  

All of those statements and more were made trying to get her to understand how serious it was.  Including pointing out - what was stopping any other kid (another girl who was mad Monkey "stole" her boyfriend or whatever) from finding a nude photo with Monkey's body type with the face removed and passing it around school claiming it was Monkey?  We could tell she hadn't thought of that, but remained defiant and insisting we were being horrible parents for even CONSIDERING grounding her.

Anyway - we'll get through it and hopefully she'll understand later how much we are doing for her by trying to save her from herself.

Here is a personal story you can relay to her if you would like. My daughter posted a photo on her Instagram. It wasn't a nude photo, but because of the editing and the shadows, it looked like she had a lot of armpit hair. She never noticed it, because well, she doesn't have massive armpit hair.  Anyway, a boy that had asked her to go out with him and she turned down, copied the picture off her Instagram and spread it around the school. In less than 24 hours this innocent picture was spread through the entire school. She had no clue until she heard some of the mean girls calling her "f-ing nasty ho!" Then finally someone pulled her aside and told her what was going on. She came home crying. She begged me not to make her go back to that school. I used this moment as a great teaching moment. I explained to her that THIS is exactly why she should NEVER send nude photos of herself. She saw how quickly an innocent photo spread and the horrible things people said about her because of it. I also used the moment to talk to her about social media and how sometimes we just need to disconnect from the online world. She wasn't mature enough to not read the hurtful comments about her. She is only 13.  She would read the comments all day and cry. So, we deactivated all her online accounts. She is so much happier and mentally healthier for it. She says she doesn't miss social media at all. 

Our girls (yours and mine) are at a really difficult and vulnerable age.  They are trying so hard to be adults.  They have the hormones of an adult, but have the brains of children still.  I think you did the right thing and I wish you well.  
 

[zibazinski]

I took a picture of my new hair cut by the pool. Sent it to a few friends. To them it looked like I was nude because of the angle I was shooting from. I'm a bad selfie person obviously. I certainly was not nude but even now I look at it and think, I look naked! 

[Pants]

Jul 9, 2014 22:09:59 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

Drat!!  I just posted it and then lost it.....hopefully this doesn't double post.....

I would prefer to have this conversation in person, but under the current circumstances, I wanted to extend the courtesy to you as early as possible. I truly apologize that I have to inform you of my intention by email as I strongly believe this deserves an in-person conversation.

You may have heard that (coworker) in the (new) Office has tendered her resignation at (new office) effective July 11, 2014. After deep thought, consideration of multiple angles and discussions with (mentor), I have decided to apply for the posted position at (new office).

As I have stated before, the original decision to hire me for (current position) was a disservice to the physicians, to the hospital and to me. My current position deserves to have someone who is further advanced in their knowledge and experience than I currently am. I strongly believe this is the correct move for both my own career path and for the future of (current hospital).

(Mentor) has a potential candidate to offer as a suggested replacement for my position should the transfer go forward. It is my understanding that this candidate has many years of experience, extensive background in the field and has participated both in a start-up facility and as a solo office.

I will, of course, continue handling all of my duties and assignment while the process of filling the vacant position at (new office) proceeds. I am available for any conversation you would like to have once you return to the office.

Kara - I would not send this. Just remove those two sentences - she knows it, you know it, why the hell are you saying it again?

[KaraBoo]

Hey guys,

I'm bushed...  

So far, I've worked almost 60 hours this week, and I'll probably be working more in the weeks ahead.

A few updates.

I sent the "letter of intent" to my boss (the president) last week.  She did email me back and said she understood, that it was a positive move and we'd talk more when she returns (on Monday).  Because of HR policy, I cannot officially turn in my resignation until I am offered the new position and I accept.  To get to that point, the president has to write a letter of reference first (all supervising managers now have to do that with an in-house transfer request), then I have to be officially interviewed by both the new manager/mentor and a panel interview.  Then I have to be made an offer and accept the offer.  Then I can put in my 2 week resignation.

So....minimum 3 weeks before I can even think about "officially" transferring.  But the reality will probably be more like 2 months.  In the mean time, I'm working 40 hours for my current position and "floating" into the vacant position to attempt to keep up with that position as much as possible (so that work doesn't get behind).

[KaraBoo]

Scholarship:

I can't remember if I mentioned it here or not, but I applied for an industry scholarship to attend their national convention in October.  I received a reply this week.

I didn't win the full scholarship, but they were impressed with my application and offered me a free conference registration ($700 value).  Woohoo!  

Except - the reason I applied for the entire scholarship is because I can't afford any of it.  I've priced out plane tickets and that would cost approx $200.  Hotel is $180 per night - so another approx $6-800 (not sure of taxes).  Not to mention taxi cost to/from airport and food.

So - I'm trying to figure out if the company would pay for the hotel and flight, but so far the answer has been no.  Looking at other options, but we have nothing in savings.

Any "outside the box" ideas I might not have thought about?

[mmhmm]

Progress, Kara! It might not be lightening fast, but it's moving right along. It's going to be tough until things complete themselves, but there's a light at the end of that tunnel. Just keep plodding onward, hon. You're doin' good!

[KaraBoo]

Bankruptcy:

We talked to the lawyer today.  

I have a question - because DH has been out of work for a month - the lawyer "suggested" we go home and think about what we want to do for a few weeks.  He implied that the process looks at the last 6 months and the longer DH is unemployed, then the odds are higher for us to qualify for a Chapter 7.

DH and I make decent money (when he's working).  We have no illusions of qualifying for the Chapter 7, but instead would have to file Chapter 13.  

Does it make sense to wait to see if DH actually gets a job before filing?  And to wait, like the lawyer suggested, and start the process closer to a month from now?  It just seems unethical to do this.  Do we need to get another opinion?  

In all this time, DH has only had 2 calls.  One of them, the interview hasn't happened yet, so no word on that one.  The other, the boss flat out told DH that the process takes 6-8 weeks once the application is submitted.  DH's app isn't submitted yet because of the lengthy process in applying and the job was just posted this week (but the boss knows this and implied that he's waiting on DH's app to go through).

So - in the past, DH has had a job quickly, but this hasn't happened this time.  Knowing this - what do you think?

[Wisconsin Beth]

Kara honey, you've been struggling with this for how long now?  Listen to the lawyer. 

[greeniis10]

I'm slightly confused: do you mean even if you wait to file (a month or so) and DH still doesn't have a job that you still wouldn't qualify for Chapter 7?  Are you certain that either way you'd only qualify for Chapter 13?  Sorry.  It's Monday AM and I just wasn't sure on that point.

[Deleted]

Jul 18, 2014 19:34:03 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

Bankruptcy:

We talked to the lawyer today.  

I have a question - because DH has been out of work for a month - the lawyer "suggested" we go home and think about what we want to do for a few weeks.  He implied that the process looks at the last 6 months and the longer DH is unemployed, then the odds are higher for us to qualify for a Chapter 7.

DH and I make decent money (when he's working).  We have no illusions of qualifying for the Chapter 7, but instead would have to file Chapter 13.  

Does it make sense to wait to see if DH actually gets a job before filing?  And to wait, like the lawyer suggested, and start the process closer to a month from now?  It just seems unethical to do this.  Do we need to get another opinion?  

In all this time, DH has only had 2 calls.  One of them, the interview hasn't happened yet, so no word on that one.  The other, the boss flat out told DH that the process takes 6-8 weeks once the application is submitted.  DH's app isn't submitted yet because of the lengthy process in applying and the job was just posted this week (but the boss knows this and implied that he's waiting on DH's app to go through).

So - in the past, DH has had a job quickly, but this hasn't happened this time.  Knowing this - what do you think?

I don't necessarily think you need another opinion based on this. The lawyer was giving you advice about how the process works, you can do what you want to with the information.

I don't think it's unethical as long as your husband is still honestly looking for work and just hasn't started working by the time you file. The facts will be what they are at that time. If he hasn't been able to find employment, he hasn't been able to find employment.

If you file chapter 13 and the payments are based on income that includes your husband's previous income but he's unable to replace it soon, then what? You'll be scrambling to make the payments and may end up having to convert the case to chapter 7 anyway (which I'm pretty sure isn't free) and you didn't really accomplish anything with the payments you've made.

When I was faced with filing bankruptcy, I had to get my feelings out of the way and make what I called business decisions. The numbers don't lie, either they work or they don't. No amount of guilt or any other emotion changes that.

[greeniis10]

Ah, Pink's response makes sense.  Good advice.  I'd definitely be wary of getting into a monthly bankruptcy payment that is too high and still causes you stress.  The point is to relieve the stress and start anew.

Either way, I do hope your DH finds a job soon.  Being unemployed just adds stress to the situation.

[Deleted]

I don't know if I or anyone else has already mentioned it to you, but you can find a lot of information about bankruptcy on nolo dot com. It's not a replacement for an attorney's advice, but I found a lot of useful information when I was considering bankruptcy. You can search for info specific to your state and chapter 7 vs chapter 13. If nothing else, you can learn what questions you need to ask an attorney.