Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 23, 2014 12:00:54 GMT -5
Yes and no. I'm really ready to just walk away from everything in life. Work, husband, kids, house, bills, everything. I feel like life should be getting easier at this point in life (I'm almost 40), but it just feels like it's getting harder. None if it is the fault of the kids, husband or work - I just feel overwhelmed still. I can't figure out what to tell them to help with because I don't know where to start myself. I did apply for a scholarship through the national society for my work that would pay for me to attend the national conference if I win. I've been told that very few people apply for the national scholarship so I have a good chance to win it. Honestly, the thought of attending the conference is just as appealing to me to be able to do what *I* what to do (away from home and family and work) as it is to learn new things regarding my job. Hell yes. I found out last week I've been sent to Vegas for training in Nov. So yeah, I'm excited about not having to deal with kids and the daily grind and even Dh for a few days. And I'm ready to walk away too. It's not that I don't love everyone, it's just that I'm tired of being everything for everyone. I just need to get though this week and then I'm on vacation. And at least one of those days is a ME day. MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 23, 2014 12:16:40 GMT -5
Aw, Beth and Boo. I never had kids, so "overwhelmed" to me is significantly different than it is to the two of you, or anyone else with a whole load of life, plus kids, sitting on them. Each of you needs and deserves a day (at least!) away from it all.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 23, 2014 12:20:48 GMT -5
Aw, Beth and Boo. I never had kids, so "overwhelmed" to me is significantly different than it is to the two of you, or anyone else with a whole load of life, plus kids, sitting on them. Each of you needs and deserves a day (at least!) away from it all. And wine doesn't taste right to me either. Thank God beer does though.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 23, 2014 12:24:05 GMT -5
Aw, Beth and Boo. I never had kids, so "overwhelmed" to me is significantly different than it is to the two of you, or anyone else with a whole load of life, plus kids, sitting on them. Each of you needs and deserves a day (at least!) away from it all. And wine doesn't taste right to me either. Thank God beer does though. OK, beer it is, then.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jun 23, 2014 12:29:39 GMT -5
Yes, time for youself as in SCHEDULED AND SET IN STONE! Sorry to yell, but I "lost" myself a few years into my 2nd marriage. Felt guilty about the first one not working out and tried to overcompensate. Made me angry and miserable. I was doing everything for everybody else and nothing for myself.
I started small: I declared every Thursday night MINE. Feed yourselves, don't care if what you HAVE to wear tomorrow is dirty, don't care if you neglected a school project, etc. Everyone can fend for themselves ONE night per week. And I didn't give in or waiver, or switch it to another night. I realize that may not work for everyone.
The overwhelming feeling is suffocating and toxic. I totally sympathize. Delegate slowly, methodically, and forcefully. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Just trying to suggest whatever I can to help! Please vent here and hang in there. Things will get better.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 23, 2014 12:31:06 GMT -5
It'll get better Nancy. But booze is always good.
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Iggy aka IG
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Post by Iggy aka IG on Jun 23, 2014 12:33:12 GMT -5
Yes and no. I'm really ready to just walk away from everything in life. Work, husband, kids, house, bills, everything.I feel like life should be getting easier at this point in life (I'm almost 40), but it just feels like it's getting harder. None if it is the fault of the kids, husband or work - I just feel overwhelmed still. I can't figure out what to tell them to help with because I don't know where to start myself. I did apply for a scholarship through the national society for my work that would pay for me to attend the national conference if I win. I've been told that very few people apply for the national scholarship so I have a good chance to win it. Honestly, the thought of attending the conference is just as appealing to me to be able to do what *I* what to do (away from home and family and work) as it is to learn new things regarding my job. BTDT, and I don't have kids to throw into the stressful mix! Is there a way DH could take the kids for some sort of day trip, and you could take a day off from work and chill at home? I understand finances are an issue, but there has to be something to do in your area which is free. Maybe a park? A hiking trail? Museum then library? They could bring a picnic and beverages to keep the cost down. And, agreed: Conferences are nice because of the hotel, getting away from it all, opportunity.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 29, 2014 20:03:32 GMT -5
Beth said it best - It's not that I don't love everyone, it's just that I'm tired of being everything for everyone.This is SPOT ON! Some updates: DH is still without a job, but has had several leads. We're still waiting on unemployment to kick in. The office said DH didn't turn in the paperwork correctly, so he's trying to get that corrected the way they claimed he should have done it. DH and I have talked - we're going to go ahead and file bankruptcy. We emailed the lawyer that did our custody cases and she recommended a lawyer for us to see. DH will be making that call for an appointment tomorrow. I'm actually relieved - I've been ready to do this step for a couple of months now, DH is just now ready. As many of you know, I've been incredibly stressed at work. When I took the position, I was under-qualified, under-educated and under-experienced - I was/am NOT currently the right person for the position at all. It was a huge disservice for the previous director to have put me in the position. Now - I can see myself being the correct person 5 years from now, but right now - a year ago when given the job - not even close to being the correct person. I am more of a hinderence to the current administration because they're having to hold my hand through difficult issues that a seasoned veteran wouldn't have an issue handling. On Friday, the coworker I work with put in her 2 week notice. This is the lady that partially trained me (badly) before I moved to the solo position at the other facility (we're housed in the same office, but I have some of the responsibilities of a director with the pay of a minion being a solo employee for the facility's department). So, I'm thinking about asking to transfer to the coworker's open position. This would solve several stressors for me, but have positives and negatives: Pros: 1. I'd have a director over me (the same director who is currently mentoring me) who would be responsible for the management and I could more fully learn my position and more without the added stress of being ultimately responsible for things going wrong. 2. I'd have a more set work week. Right now, I'm working over 40 hours because with just me, I have to get the work done no matter what. Plus, the facility I work for has night meetings. If I transferred, I'd still have to get the work done, but the things I have no idea how to handle, would be handled by the director and I'd have no night meetings at all. I could work 40 hours and be done. 3. I wouldn't lose any pay - it would be a lateral move. 4. I'd still have the mentor who is teaching me so much be able to continuing mentoring me. Cons: 1. Room for growth/advancement would be slowed down - almost non-existent with the new position without going to a new facility/outside the organization. In my current job, once I actually learn what I need to learn, and the facility grows, unless administration decides they don't like me, I'd be in line for the director position/management. Not sure I want that - but my career has been heading that way for several years, so I believe it's just a matter of time. 2. My mentor would become my boss. I don't personally see this as an issue as I welcome more direction and structure than I currently have, but I'm listing it as a con because I don't know how the personality dynamic might change. I'm sure there are other cons - but I'm really leaning towards talking to management about changing. There are so many things I like about working for my current facility, but I know I could incorporate some of those same things into the new position as well. The thought of less work stress (probably cut in half, if not more) is very appealing to me right now. DH is worried that I will be unhappy in a couple of years and kicking myself for giving up the position I currently have (which has a ton of room for growth). Anyway - I have a meeting tomorrow with my mentor and I will talk with her then. There will be a meeting in the morning about what her strategy is going to be over the next two weeks (we just found out about the resignation on Friday - she left early to deal with the stress of that plus other things going on in the office). My mentoring meeting is tomorrow afternoon. I'll have a better idea of what the next steps are going to be at that point.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 29, 2014 21:50:30 GMT -5
Kara, your taking the first step.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jun 30, 2014 13:40:43 GMT -5
Thanks for the update! Step-by-step, one foot in front of the other. Good job.
I hope your meeting goes well today! The job change is a tough decision so listen to your gut and do what YOU want. Hope to hear all about it soon.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 30, 2014 19:53:48 GMT -5
Man! It's been a BUSY 24 hours since I posted this last. First thing's first - we ended up in the ER last night with the youngest, Monkey (who is currently 13). LLLOOONNNNGGGG STORY.....boils down to - we discovered messages on her FB page where she implied she was sending nude photos to a boy she knows. Confronted her, she denied and said she was just joking, blew us off as it being no big deal, when we pressed that it was HUGE deal it made her angry (because all of her 600 friends could see the message on her wall), and we made sure her mom was informed. When we talked next about her now being grounded, she exploded. Pure dramafest - complete with her claiming she was going to kill herself. She's done this once before and when we talked to her counselor about it, he stated that anytime she does it in the future to take her straight to the hospital for a mental check. That will show her 1) that's a serious statement that we're not going to take lightly, 2) if she's using it to cry wolf, she'll not do it too many times before she realizes it's not getting her the reaction she wants. And - if it turns out she is serious, they are equipped to help her properly, while we're not (totally true statement!). So - we took her to the ER. Bio-mom ended up getting involved because Monkey screamed bloody murder when we tried to take her and Rowdy jumped in by trying to physically stop DH and calling his mom in the process (not knowing what was really going on, but just SURE we were abusing Monkey - because, don't you know....that's what we do! ). I'm sure the neighbors got a wonderful show, but at that point, I really didn't care. She was admitted into the ER and checked out. They're recommending an outpatient treatment plan that can last a minimum 10 days (depending on how she progresses). Program lasts from 9am-5pm and is currently an intense small group situation (they said right now there are only about 8 kids in the program). All sorts of different sessions to help with coping, stress, anger management, etc. It's at my hospital and I know a little about the program - really great reviews coming out of it. Bio-mom had all sorts of things to scream at us through the phone in the vehicle ride to the hospital (as Rowdy's holding the phone screaming at us the play-by-play - DH trying to drive and me in the backseat with Monkey so I can make sure she doesn't jump out the door like she claimed she was going to do. Rowdy jumped in while DH and I were getting Monkey in the backseat and refused to move - larger than DH at this point, so fine...you think you can handle this - fine....whatever...). As soon as Bio-mom sees the hospital staff taking the issue seriously and start talking about admitting Monkey, suddenly she realizes that maybe we're not quit so horrible as she screamed previously. Plus - parents are supposed to attend the first session of the day as well (9am-10am), so they can help their child through the program. BM has already commented that she could maybe make one session....maybe. Thank you mother of the year. Monkey starts therapy tomorrow. All of this because we were grounding her from the internet for a week because of what we found (all we found were comments implying - no evidence that she actually did send any photos - we have spyware on our systems that records everything. Doesn't mean she didn't find another way to send photos from a friend's phone or computer - we just had no evidence and we're going to give her the benefit of the doubt this time). Yeah....we're horrible parents. Just my own opinion - I have a feeling that Monkey will get into the program and figure out VERY quickly that all of the problems she claims she has are nothing compared to the kids who are also there. I don't think she'll want to go back after this session is complete. Another reason I'm really thankful that DH is currently out of work - he's able to attend ALL of the sessions and I've already talked to my job and they're fine with me attending as well (right next door to my building - I'd just walk over and walk back after the session).
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 30, 2014 19:57:54 GMT -5
Kara good for YOU & DH.
Kara tell Monkey, shit like that follows you for life. Nudes put on the internet or sent through phones lives with you forever. Goodbye good life, goodbye respectability. Basically it's a sure ticket to screw up ville.
stick to your guns.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 30, 2014 20:08:21 GMT -5
Okay - on to the next event that happened today! (don't you guys just love my life?!?)Talked with the director/mentor today. At first, she cancelled our meeting for this afternoon, letting the entire office know she had a deadline for a different meeting tomorrow that HAD to be completed, so I just figured, fine, I'll wait to talk with her. A few hours later, she called me into her office and we talked for an hour (meeting got postponed, so she had time to talk suddenly). She started out asking me what my thoughts were about moving over because in her mind - that was the BEST solution for everyone. My comment? "Oh thank goodness we're on the same page!!" We talked about strategy, office politics, and expectations of me moving into the position. We also talked about my pro/con list (above) and she was very interested in them and we discussed them at length. She agreed that they were valid concerns (regarding a change in dynamics between us), but stated she's treated me like I was her employee this whole time anyway, so not much would change as far as she was concerned. I tend to agree with this statement - and any changes, on my side, will be welcomed because there will be more structure than what I currently have. She cannot "officially" offer me the job until it is posed by HR, hoops are jumped through and all that jazz, but she "unofficially" asked me if I would accept and I "unofficially" accepted. I felt my stress level melting away at that meeting. Both of us are under no illusions that the next few months will be easy because a replacement will still need to be found, trained and the transition will have to take place. I'm really thankful for the changes that are happening.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 30, 2014 20:11:15 GMT -5
Oh Kara that sounds wonderful. Did DH phone that lawyer to start the bankruptcy process ?
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 30, 2014 20:14:18 GMT -5
Oh - we did Sug!! We were blown off and told we were making a big deal out of nothing - that WE were ruining her life.
Uh....okay chica....you have NO idea!!!
All of those statements and more were made trying to get her to understand how serious it was. Including pointing out - what was stopping any other kid (another girl who was mad Monkey "stole" her boyfriend or whatever) from finding a nude photo with Monkey's body type with the face removed and passing it around school claiming it was Monkey? We could tell she hadn't thought of that, but remained defiant and insisting we were being horrible parents for even CONSIDERING grounding her.
Anyway - we'll get through it and hopefully she'll understand later how much we are doing for her by trying to save her from herself.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 30, 2014 20:20:34 GMT -5
No - no call to the lawyer yet. We didn't get home and in bed until after 2am last night. We talked on the way home from the ER (just the two of us - Monkey and Rowdy rode to our house from the hospital with their mom) and DH is concerned about the bill for the outpatient treatment. I told him that as far as I was concerned, we needed to do whatever we needed to help Monkey and if we went further into debt, now is the time as we might be able to wrap it into the bankruptcy. He was concerned about my job getting upset with me for this move and firing me. I'm pretty sure this wouldn't happen, but if all else fails, I can work out a payment plan with the hospital since I'm an employee. So - we talk to the program tomorrow when we check her in and get the cost and expectations at that point. I'll talk to them about payments and how all of that will work. We'll talk to the lawyer after we get this settled. There's only so much we can handle at once people!!!
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 30, 2014 20:23:47 GMT -5
Good to hear about the job discussion, Kara. Sounds like you and your mentor (and future boss) are thinking alike. That's a good sign! Hope everything about the transition goes smoothly.
So sorry about Monkey's meltdown! Kids that age are so darned difficult when they go off on a tangent. I hope she was just blathering and hasn't actually shared nude pictures. The upcoming sessions sound like just what she needs. Time she saw the world through eyes other than her own, I'd say. I think she'll really benefit, and so will the rest of you.
Bankruptcy is a tough step to have to take but it's necessary in some cases. I think yours is one of them. I imagine, once things are done, you'll feel like an anchor has been lifted off your backs. Good luck with everything! You're a real trouper, girl!
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 30, 2014 21:05:03 GMT -5
kara
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jun 30, 2014 22:47:37 GMT -5
Kara - yeah, this -
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Jul 1, 2014 6:24:38 GMT -5
Kara best wishes for you and your family. Could you maybe get Rowdy enrolled in this program also?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 1, 2014 12:06:09 GMT -5
I nominate you for sainthood.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 1, 2014 12:15:57 GMT -5
Kara, good for you for doing what you did for Monkey. Stick to your guns and be the "bad" parent. You may well save her life, if not her sanity and respectability.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 1, 2014 13:17:40 GMT -5
Definitely, good job on the way you handled Monkey! Painful and stressful for all involved, no doubt, but you have to nip it in the bud NOW! Or else, at her age, these antics could carry on for years. Taking it seriously and getting her into treatment is the best thing you can do. Also glad to hear about the job news. Hope all goes smoothly with that. I know I sound like a broken record, but hang in there - time passes, kids grow up and this will all be behind you! Thankfully they aren't teenagers forever. They DO mature and become decent human beings again. And you get your life back.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jul 2, 2014 7:25:47 GMT -5
Everyone - thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support!! I'd love to get Rowdy into a program like this - but he'd have to do some serious stuff and so far he hasn't (Monkey's always been more dramatic than any of the others). He's actually starting to "get" it a little. He's still a kid though, so he doesn't understand everything and when he thinks we're over-reacting is when he overreacts. This was one of those times. Greeniis - I totally agree with you - you're not being a broken record at all. It helps to hear it from others that this will pass. We thought it would last FOREVER with Rowdy originally (he started in 6th grade and is finally starting to calm down a little going into 11th) and it isn't. Since Monkey's our dramatic one, as soon as she started going off the deep end in 6th grade, I figure it will last a little longer. But maybe not. She tends to blow up and go into supernova mode, but then burns out and we're good for a while. She blew in 6th, but 7th - it was like she was a totally different child and we had no issues with her. Now she's out of 7th going into 8th, so there may be another explosion coming....maybe not....we'll see. Anyway - got to get to work. Love you guys!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2014 7:36:57 GMT -5
Listen, 10 years ago, I'd have told you DD was going to end up a whore with several illegitimate children hooked up with some loser or several losers. I'm happy and relieved to say that in spite of her father's bad blood, she is doing just great. Hang in there. I went through a lot of what you are going through and there may be nude photos out there for all I know. But she has weathered her stupid phase and so did I. I have FINALLY started to forgive her for the hell she put me through which is better for our relationship as well.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jul 2, 2014 17:57:50 GMT -5
Hi Zib - I know exactly what you're talking about, my mom and I had a similar relationship (although, I don't think I quite went off the deep end - although I did some really stupid things - just in a really short period of time - less than a year). Please forgive her completely - speaking as the child, it's hard to tell your mom she was right about screwing up - especially if you have the same personality. I could never tell my mom that she was right, that I screwed up, because my mom is the type that brings it up years later (she still does this now). She expected me to be one way and I didn't want to follow her mold, so I rebelled in the only way I knew how. It wasn't that I was being a horrible child initially - I just didn't live up to her standards. That caused us both to spiral - her into being more controlling and me into being more rebellious. We're both stubborn and that did us in (wonder where I got that trait from? ). Forgiving doesn't mean you forget what's happened necessarily, you just realize that people change, life moves on and we aren't the same person we are now that we were 10 years ago. I have no idea what type of relationship you have with your daughter - I just know that my mom took many many years before she forgave me for being a screw up. Our relationship would have been repaired a lot quicker if she had accepted that the issues were "our" issues, not just me being a screw up.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jul 2, 2014 18:05:09 GMT -5
Now on to the next level of our adventure: Apparently the outpatient program called the bio-mom regarding the physician's recommendation (putting Monkey on a mild anti-depressant) today instead of calling DH. She in turn called DH to let him know she didn't agree with the treatment plan. Great.... It's on my to-do list to make sure DH calls the program and lets them know HE needs to be informed first - not the mom - since we have custody and we checked Monkey in to the program and we're paying for the treatment. This woman will do what she can to convince the kids that taking the medicine a doctor prescribed for them isn't necessary when she doesn't agree with it. She's done it before and I can see her doing it again in this case. I talked to Monkey just a little when I picked her up from the program and she already commented that the doctor has a prescription for her. I asked her what she thought about it and her response was, "I think it will help me." Good - hopefully she can withstand her mom staying she shouldn't be on it - because I DO think it will help her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2014 18:12:28 GMT -5
Hi Zib - I know exactly what you're talking about, my mom and I had a similar relationship (although, I don't think I quite went off the deep end - although I did some really stupid things - just in a really short period of time - less than a year). Please forgive her completely - speaking as the child, it's hard to tell your mom she was right about screwing up - especially if you have the same personality. I could never tell my mom that she was right, that I screwed up, because my mom is the type that brings it up years later (she still does this now). She expected me to be one way and I didn't want to follow her mold, so I rebelled in the only way I knew how. It wasn't that I was being a horrible child initially - I just didn't live up to her standards. That caused us both to spiral - her into being more controlling and me into being more rebellious. We're both stubborn and that did us in (wonder where I got that trait from? ). Forgiving doesn't mean you forget what's happened necessarily, you just realize that people change, life moves on and we aren't the same person we are now that we were 10 years ago. I have no idea what type of relationship you have with your daughter - I just know that my mom took many many years before she forgave me for being a screw up. Our relationship would have been repaired a lot quicker if she had accepted that the issues were "our" issues, not just me being a screw up. Every once in awhile, DD apologizes for what she put me through and then says she will never have kids because of it. Part of me feels bad about her not having kids but part of me is relieved because I am sure it's genetic because his whole family is royally F Ed up. Not one of them is sane. Those that seemed normal have turned out to be nuts as they got older. There's bad blood and it shouldn't reproduce. To me that is no different than knowing you have a genetic illness and passing it on anyway because its your frickin right to reproduce. Sick.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 18:58:09 GMT -5
Karaboo, reading your thread today reminded me of one of my Mom's best friends' daughters. My Mom's friend had 2 young daughters when she got married. The oldest was terrible when she was a teenager. She pretty much hated her stepdad for several years because he held his ground and wouldn't just let her run wild and ignore it. The youngest wasn't as wild, but she wasn't an angel either. They both had babies when they were in high school. I'm calling him their stepdad here for clarity, but I've known them all since I was 4yo and spent a lot of time with them while I was growing up. They weren't his "stepkids", they were his girls. My Mom and I went to a dinner the oldest daughter hosted for her stepdad for Father's Day when she was in her mid 20's. At the dinner, she stood up and talked about the bad path she was on as a teenager and how grateful she was to her stepdad for not giving in or giving up. She said that if not for him, she'd probably have ended up on the streets selling her body or maybe even been dead by then. I don't know exactly when she stopped resenting him and understanding that he had her best interests at heart the whole time, but it was touching to see her publicly acknowledge how much she loved and appreciated him. I don't know if that story is helpful or not , I just remembered it and decided to share it. Stay strong!
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Jaguar
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Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
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Post by Jaguar on Jul 2, 2014 19:23:51 GMT -5
Now on to the next level of our adventure: Apparently the outpatient program called the bio-mom regarding the physician's recommendation (putting Monkey on a mild anti-depressant) today instead of calling DH. She in turn called DH to let him know she didn't agree with the treatment plan. Great.... It's on my to-do list to make sure DH calls the program and lets them know HE needs to be informed first - not the mom - since we have custody and we checked Monkey in to the program and we're paying for the treatment. This woman will do what she can to convince the kids that taking the medicine a doctor prescribed for them isn't necessary when she doesn't agree with it. She's done it before and I can see her doing it again in this case. I talked to Monkey just a little when I picked her up from the program and she already commented that the doctor has a prescription for her. I asked her what she thought about it and her response was, "I think it will help me." Good - hopefully she can withstand her mom staying she shouldn't be on it - because I DO think it will help her.
Wow what a bio mom she is, does she really love sabotaging her own children like this.
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