zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 26, 2014 23:21:35 GMT -5
Oh good lord. You're not only a saint but you have the patience of job. He must give you toe curdling sex to deal with that on top of everything else. A toddler in an adult body
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 26, 2014 23:22:08 GMT -5
JOB not a job.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 27, 2014 0:49:44 GMT -5
I have so much to add... but it would take a page.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 27, 2014 7:25:51 GMT -5
If my kids were actually mocking me, I'd realize that I'd lost their respect, deservedly so, and do something about it. While I was at it, I'd work on gaining my wife's respect, too.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 27, 2014 8:08:36 GMT -5
On a lighter, happier note - LaLa has graduated! I'm so proud of her!! I'm very happy to say at least one of the 4 kids has successfully entered adulthood - yay! She's working over 20 hours this week and will be working even more going forward. She's also talking about taking on a second job and also going to the local community college to get her basics started. Congratulations LaLa!!!!!! Sounds like she has a plan and good luck to her!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 27, 2014 9:32:50 GMT -5
Way to go LaLa! And a big whomping, wet to her biomom for failing to hold her back from school - LaLa's the one that had the math issues right? Kara, I'm finally starting to be weaned off of my anti-depressant meds. I think I've been on them for 3 years. Getting the dosage upped was pretty damn easy - I went in to my doctor and told her I was having crying fits again. She probably would have upped them via phone call because I was on a super low dose but I think that was the winter I was sick from Halloween to after Easter and seeing her every 3-4 weeks for the assorted bugs I kept getting. So call and see if your doctor will up the prescription without you coming in. Likely he/she will want you to come in in 2-3 months for a followup though. And to be honest about your DH - stop carrying him. He's "survived just fine for 40 years" because you've been carrying him the last, what, 7-15 years? Fuck that. Your "well" of happiness is tapped out and drier than California right now. Make Karaboo time, every day. Take 10-15 minutes to enjoy a cup of tea or a favorite song or just being alone, every day. Or sewing. Something that YOU like to do. Slowly, the well will get damp and then wet and then will fill up. But it takes time - that 10 minutes a day to just do something for YOU. And it doesn't have to be everyday but start at least twice a week. If you're into computer games, track down Command and Conquer by Westwood Studios. And go be a good little terrorist and nuke/destroy the world. Very therapeutic, trust me. And then one day you'll have a pillow fight (or a mustard packet fight) with the kids and realize it was a really fun time for you too.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 27, 2014 9:48:34 GMT -5
If he's 40 years old he's old enough to learn how to deal with his crap and actually focus on a task. I agree with everyone else the reason he hasn't had to is because you keep rushing to his recuse and bailing him out. Stop enabling him and make him accountable.
He's an adult, an adult can control their behaviors. He "doesn't want to deal with it" because he's never been forced to. Time for him to grow-up. Either get diagnosed/treated or stop with the excuses.
DH has tried over the years "this is how I've always been/this is how I was raised" excuses. I told him you are a 40 year old adult, at this point in your life you don't get to sit on your ass and blame the world for how you are.
You know how you're behaving/acting is unacceptable, you CHOOSE to act how you are acting. I refuse to live with someone who won't accept responsibility for his life so you either figure out how to deal with your crap or you acknowledge it's an excuse to get away with being a slacker/ahole.
It was his call. He needed someone to kick him in the ass and make him accountable for himself and others. He admits I was the first person who came along and refused to baby him. I'll be damned if I am going to carry an adult around my entire life.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 27, 2014 9:56:19 GMT -5
My husband's brother has been formally diagnosed with either ADD or ADHD, I was never clear on which. He did therapy until he got to the point where he needed to start working on himself. He stopped taking his meds for unknown reasons. And his wife is spirally down and it really seems like he doesn't give a flying fuck. And yet she "loves" him and keeps on carrying him. It's not love - it's more like addiction and habit with affection and sex. IF that makes sense.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 27, 2014 9:57:44 GMT -5
I'm hoping you're not into this mantle you're wearing like my aunt whom we refer to as Marian the Martyr. She wears her sainthood like its her calling. Funny enough, my uncle doesn't pull this crap with anyone but her because he can't. But I remember sitting outside her bedroom door because I thought she was going to off herself, she was so depressed. But she won't leave him and the family has had it with her. No one can crap on you without your permission.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 27, 2014 9:59:30 GMT -5
Plus, think of the role models. You want your stepdaughters thinking its okay to be with someone who has "issues?" You want the boys to think they can be Peter Pan and some woman will rescue them?
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Iggy aka IG
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Post by Iggy aka IG on May 27, 2014 11:10:37 GMT -5
KaraBoo, on the prior page, you mention filing for bankruptcy. I was almost exactly where you are back in 2010. I won't go into details here, but I'll PM you. Filing isn't fun, but neither is going through life in so much pain. Someone very close to me said filing for bankruptcy is the best thing he ever did (for his situation). And, I agree.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 27, 2014 12:01:10 GMT -5
Even on YM several posters have commented it's better sometimes to rip off the Band-Aid and start rebuilding your lives than to continue to tread water forever.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 27, 2014 12:02:29 GMT -5
Even on YM several posters have commented it's better sometimes to rip off the Band-Aid and start rebuilding your lives than to continue to tread water forever. And Karaboo's not exactly treading water either. I'd put her at floundering around in the water, which sometimes gets her head above water long enough to catch a breath or two before she goes under again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 13:39:38 GMT -5
Even on YM several posters have commented it's better sometimes to rip off the Band-Aid and start rebuilding your lives than to continue to tread water forever. And I agree!!! If I was the OP I would have filed when they decided to return the boat or slightly before then...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 27, 2014 14:05:10 GMT -5
Trouble with that is her DH will want toys again. Ooh, shiny..... But it's easy to go through life when you've found someone else to shoulder the burden. Peter Pan had Wendy.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 27, 2014 14:13:35 GMT -5
He'd be stuck waiting for 7 years or more if they declare bankruptcy. They're credit will be trashed.
Technically there is nothing stopping him now from sabotaging things now by buying new toys if he wants them.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 27, 2014 14:13:36 GMT -5
Trouble with that is her DH will want toys again. Ooh, shiny..... But it's easy to go through life when you've found someone else to shoulder the burden. Peter Pan had Wendy. It is. To an extent, my DH does this. He's got health issues and sometimes it feels like he's using them to avoid having to deal with me or kid stuff or house stuff. In our case, the money part is ok. But the time and energy part sucks.
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Iggy aka IG
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Post by Iggy aka IG on May 27, 2014 14:27:38 GMT -5
It's putting off the inevitable. Better to file now, and to start the 10 year process of it being removed from their credit report, than to have late pays, increasing balances and interest rates, possible liens on the home, being served with papers, the collection calls, the underlying health issues from stress, and possible future divorce from all of the above. Like I said, BTDT, only, we caught it in time, and our relationship is stronger than ever.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 27, 2014 14:29:16 GMT -5
I'm glad Iggy.
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Iggy aka IG
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Post by Iggy aka IG on May 27, 2014 14:37:26 GMT -5
Thank you, Beth. Sorry about your DH.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 27, 2014 14:41:49 GMT -5
Thank you, Beth. Sorry about your DH. Thanks. It ebbs and flows, you know? He's been handling the lawn this year, which is still surprising me. And he completely caved on where to put the sandbox. And we're integrating more meals. Although I"m doing frozen pizza tonight because that's what I want to eat.
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Iggy aka IG
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Post by Iggy aka IG on May 27, 2014 14:46:04 GMT -5
Thank you, Beth. Sorry about your DH. Thanks. It ebbs and flows, you know? He's been handling the lawn this year, which is still surprising me. And he completely caved on where to put the sandbox. And we're integrating more meals. Although I"m doing frozen pizza tonight because that's what I want to eat.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 27, 2014 14:51:41 GMT -5
Wonderful to hear of LaLa's graduation, Kara! You need a bit of happy news about now and this sure does the trick. Good for her!
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on May 28, 2014 13:52:07 GMT -5
Good plan regarding delegating household duties and getting the kids involved! One note about them making dinner and you and your DH cleaning up: make sure they know and practice the concept of "clean up as you go"!
This may not apply to you, but there is no way I'd ever make the deal with my DH that he cooks and I clean up because he makes the biggest messes I've seen! He uses every utensil available, pans that are much too large, dirties every inch of counter space, etc. I'm not complaining because if I cook for him, I clean up. (I'm very sreamlined and can get the whole thing done very quickly.) If cooks for himself, HE cleans up. Takes him about 3X longer for the whole process than it does me! Good thing he is retired and has time on his hands. Even better that I'm at work and don't see the disaster he makes of my kitchen regularly.
Teenagers are messy creatures, as you know, so just my $0.02 on that matter.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 28, 2014 18:30:24 GMT -5
I've got a little time right now while I wait for dinner to cook. I'll try to address some of the questions, but I'm sure I'll miss something.
It's hard to get both sides of the story on a message board, so just remember that anything I'm posting about is from my point of view. I'm positive that if DH was posting, he'd be saying something totally different.
Like....when he really wants to get under my skin, he'll comment, "Okay D.......!". That's my mom's name and he knows I don't want to be anything like her! She is a martyr, and controlling, and a few more adjectives I can't think of right now! The thing is, I am like her to a point. When things don't go the way I think they should, I tend to freak out....depending on what it is...I freak out a lot. When he makes that comment, I know I'm going too extreme and need to back off.
Anything I've taken over, it's because of me - not because he asked me to or I did it to "support" him. Instead of allowing him to do things his way, I'd get frustrated and do it my way instead. I know over time, certain things, he just quit helping me with because it wasn't good enough for "me", not because he wasn't doing those things good enough. I'm getting better about backing off and letting him do things his way - but it's like nails on chalkboard for me - if I watch or allow it to, his way drives me crazy!!
We just have two different personalities - I'm more high energy (when I have any!) and he's way laid back. We do balance each other - I push him to do more and he holds me back from jumping in the deep end.
So...we've just swung way out of balance right now. We're trying to find our way back to center.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 28, 2014 18:41:34 GMT -5
It's putting off the inevitable. Better to file now, and to start the 10 year process of it being removed from their credit report, than to have late pays, increasing balances and interest rates, possible liens on the home, being served with papers, the collection calls, the underlying health issues from stress, and possible future divorce from all of the above. Like I said, BTDT, only, we caught it in time, and our relationship is stronger than ever. We are putting off the inevitable. Originally it was because I didn't want to immediately file until DH understood exactly how deep we really were. He knows, but since I pay the bills, he doesn't "really" know. He doesn't see the stress every day/week. I try to get him involved, but he doesn't focus for longer than just a few minutes. I know this about him, so it isn't in our best interest for DH to be in charge of the bills. Instead, I need to figure out a way to get DH involved at a level he can tolerate (focus) and quickly understand. So far, what we've been doing hasn't been working. Any ideas? At the moment, believe it or not, the issues we're having are actually bringing us closer together. At one point in the last 6 months I did talk to DH about divorce - but it wasn't because of our money situation - it was about how he was allowing his kids to treat him and by extension me. Once we were through that issue, he asked me later if me mentioning divorce had anything to do with our money situation. I told him absolutely not - money comes and goes - what matters to me is respect and love. Things are slowly changing on that front - nothing is going to change overnight. It took years to get to the point we were at, it'll take more than just a few months to get away from where we were. My stress comes from more than just money or DH or the kids or our house or our bills or work or anything else. It's a combination of all of it/everything. It seems like I catch my breathe from one thing and another thing catches me off guard. It's also going to be a slow process to get out of this as I didn't get here overnight either.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 28, 2014 18:46:11 GMT -5
This is the part I fail to understand - you said (or claim) he has ADHD - but didn't answer if this is something that's been formally diagnosed by medical professionals - or if it's just what you assume he has.
The "H" in ADHD stands for Hyperactivity. Hyper-active people generally aren't "laid-back".
For almost a year now, all I've been able to figure out from this is that he avoids being responsible - for anything - and leaves you to worry about & carry the full burden - both emotionally & financially - while he just coasts through life - because you allow it to happen.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on May 28, 2014 19:53:42 GMT -5
This is the part I fail to understand - you said (or claim) he has ADHD - but didn't answer if this is something that's been formally diagnosed by medical professionals - or if it's just what you assume he has.
The "H" in ADHD stands for Hyperactivity. Hyper-active people generally aren't "laid-back".
For almost a year now, all I've been able to figure out from this is that he avoids being responsible - for anything - and leaves you to worry about & carry the full burden - both emotionally & financially - while he just coasts through life - because you allow it to happen.
My brother has severe ADHD-he's been formally diagnosed. I understand what Karaboo means when she says her DH is "laid back". My brother is VERY laid back about things that I'm "hyper" about (I do not have ADHD). Take paying rent. My brother pays on time because he knows he has to. But that means he pays sometime on the day it is due (and once in awhile a day late because he doesn't remember until 8pm that night). And he doesn't generally think about it until the moment he gets out his check book to write the check the day it is due. Me, I'm the opposite. I start thinking about paying rent about 1 day after I've paid it for the previous month. So, for June's rent, I've thought about paying it since April 30, when I paid May's rent. And I periodically think about it throughout the month. Then, I think about when I have time to pay it (either time to go in person, or time to go to the mailbox, and do I have stamps), do I have enough in my checking to pay for it or do I need to transfer funds from savings, etc. And growing up, it drove me crazy that my brother was like that. Because I worried about him, wanted to help him, etc. Then I got over that, but it still drives me crazy that he is like this about money as well as everything else. So I totally get where Karaboo's coming from on this. As far as strategies to keep your DH focused, all I can say is involve him in the discussion as much as possible. The more he has to participate, the more he will focus. And, maybe just ask him what bankruptcy means to him. Tell him you are heading towards it, it's going to happen whether today or next month, or next year, and ask, what do you think? What does this mean to you? If you don't want to declare bankruptcy, what is your plan to fix things? I know from my experience with my brother that this will probably be futile, but since he isn't one of your kids, you can't just do it for him. He really does have to be part of the process. Good luck. I admire the progress you've made thus far, and your willingness to do what needs to be done to the extent it makes sense/works for your family. GOOD LUCK!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 29, 2014 12:53:47 GMT -5
This is the part I fail to understand - you said (or claim) he has ADHD - but didn't answer if this is something that's been formally diagnosed by medical professionals - or if it's just what you assume he has.
The "H" in ADHD stands for Hyperactivity. Hyper-active people generally aren't "laid-back".
For almost a year now, all I've been able to figure out from this is that he avoids being responsible - for anything - and leaves you to worry about & carry the full burden - both emotionally & financially - while he just coasts through life - because you allow it to happen.
I did answer - he hasn't been formally diagnosed - just what I've witnessed. He refuses to go to a physician to be diagnosed. From what I've witnessed from DH and others, an adult can be ADHD without showing the same type of signs as kids. He cannot keep his hands still. If he cannot keep his hands busy, he cannot stand to sit or stand in one place. These are all physical manifestations of ADHD. He tells me stories of why and how he got in trouble as a kid in school - not sitting still, not keeping quiet, not following instructions. As an adult, he's able to keep some of the urges under control....but not all of them. Mentally - he's all over the place. I can be talking to him about bills and he'll ask when we're going camping again. Or we'll be talking about one of the kids' issues and he'll ask what's for dinner or what our plans are for this weekend. When I say he's laid back, I mean that he doesn't let things bother him. Where we get into the issues are when things I think should bother him, doesn't. For example - dealing with his ex-wife. She'll be telling him something that he flat disagrees with and he won't stand up and say he doesn't agree. Instead, he'll ignore her and comment to me that "there's no changing her mind - why should I bother getting upset about it and arguing with her?" My response is - "Because your kids are watching! They see mom asserting herself and dad not saying/doing anything to the contrary. They believe her assertions that you don't care and you not bothering to stand up to her for yourself or for them cement her comments that you either don't care or don't have any authority." Anyway - my brother worked with DH for a short time as well - he can't understand how I deal with him!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 29, 2014 13:01:30 GMT -5
Tried to have a sit-down with the family last night. That was a disaster. We'll try again....at some point....
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