zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 29, 2014 13:04:49 GMT -5
Kara, you need to insist that your DH get to a doctor and get help. Not an option. There's a happy medium between the two extremes. It's part of being a responsible adult, husband, and father. It isn't "cute" or "okay." Plus, although I'm not thrilled, file bankruptcy and go on with your life. This burden is all on you. It isn't fair and it isn't right but you've let it happen and now it's all on you. Time to let go. Make sure that boat is included. Get on with your life.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 29, 2014 13:12:29 GMT -5
Kara, you need to insist that your DH get to a doctor and get help. Not an option. There's a happy medium between the two extremes. It's part of being a responsible adult, husband, and father. It isn't "cute" or "okay." Plus, although I'm not thrilled, file bankruptcy and go on with your life. This burden is all on you. It isn't fair and it isn't right but you've let it happen and now it's all on you. Time to let go. Make sure that boat is included. Get on with your life.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 29, 2014 13:19:37 GMT -5
Kara, you need to insist that your DH get to a doctor and get help. Not an option. There's a happy medium between the two extremes. It's part of being a responsible adult, husband, and father. It isn't "cute" or "okay." Plus, although I'm not thrilled, file bankruptcy and go on with your life. This burden is all on you. It isn't fair and it isn't right but you've let it happen and now it's all on you. Time to let go. Make sure that boat is included. Get on with your life.
Even if you have to grasp his face in your hands to get him to focus, tell him he is an adult and he needs to get control of his issues NOW. You can't continue to shoulder everything because he refuses to accept he has issues. It's not your job to parent him, it's his job to be a responsible adult and freaking FOCUS because right now you're life is circling the drain and you could really use a partner in this, not a kid with supposed ADHD.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 29, 2014 13:24:05 GMT -5
I'm back on Adderal. Am I happy about it? No. But I need to focus and concentrate right now. Downside is weight loss and I'm already not eating much but it is what it is. I'm an adult and need to face adult responsibilities.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 29, 2014 13:27:02 GMT -5
You also need to learn how to put your foot down - and insist he start pulling his weight - both financially & emotionally.
Him having ADHD is NO excuse - sounds like he's using his condition to shirk his responsibilities as a husband, father, and provider.
(See my post #636 on previous page about my ADHD nephew). There's no reason your DH can't be working a well-paying job AND doing his share around the house - he's got his head buried in the sand hoping to avoid the mess you're in (due mostly from his "need" for those over-priced toys - the boats/fishing gear, vehicle to haul it, etc) - meanwhile, doing nothing to try and FIX the financial bind all his previous spending on his "weekend escape-from-life toys" has you in now.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 29, 2014 13:34:15 GMT -5
I'm back on Adderal. Am I happy about it? No. But I need to focus and concentrate right now. Downside is weight loss and I'm already not eating much but it is what it is. I'm an adult and need to face adult responsibilities. ANd it might not be meds he goes on - it could very well be coping mechanisms.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 29, 2014 13:41:35 GMT -5
Yes, much easier to put hands over ears and go la la la I have ADHD so am not responsible for anything. Don't let this go on.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 29, 2014 13:50:56 GMT -5
Tried to have a sit-down with the family last night. That was a disaster. We'll try again....at some point.... Why?? No one wants to take on more responsibility so you could get some free time? Is your DH on board with your plan of everyone chipping in so that the entire burden is not you?
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 30, 2014 7:34:12 GMT -5
Why? Because no one wants to take responsibility. They didn't want to be engaged by cooperating to come up with a solution. They just wanted me to tell them the new plan.
Problem is - I tell them a new plan, someone doesn't agree with the new plan so we have a fight to get that one or two to cooperate going forward. I'm done with doing things that way. I'm done being the only responsible one in the family.
To top it off- half the group thought having a meeting was one big joke. I told all of them upfront that I needed help, that I'm struggling between work and home. And they treated it like a joke. Me needing help was a joke to them. I'm there whenever they need help and me asking for help for a change is something to mock. I blew up. It wasn't pretty.
I don't know when we'll have another opportunity to have a family meeting. Sunday morning? Maybe?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 30, 2014 7:39:17 GMT -5
Kara, maybe it's time to bring up the big guns - you STOP doing anything that anyone other than you needs done. Cook for 1. Laundry for yourself. Keep your preferred bathroom clean and your "part" of the bedroom. Deal with your own dishes. LET EVERYTHING ELSE GO. They wll either step up or when they complain you get to remind them that you tried to discuss this and no one wanted to. So you're done. Min. goal = 2 months.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on May 30, 2014 7:44:03 GMT -5
Why? Because no one wants to take responsibility. They didn't want to be engaged by cooperating to come up with a solution. They just wanted me to tell them the new plan. I'm done being the only responsible one in the family. Me needing help was a joke to them. I'm there whenever they need help and me asking for help for a change is something to mock. I blew up. It wasn't pretty. Maybe blowing up will get the point across that you need help, and you need it now.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 30, 2014 7:48:44 GMT -5
Kara, maybe it's time to bring up the big guns - you STOP doing anything that anyone other than you needs done. Cook for 1. Laundry for yourself. Keep your preferred bathroom clean and your "part" of the bedroom. Deal with your own dishes. LET EVERYTHING ELSE GO. They wll either step up or when they complain you get to remind them that you tried to discuss this and no one wanted to. So you're done. Min. goal = 2 months
-yeahthat-X 1000
I know finances are tight but personally I'd check into a hotel for a week and go off the grid. No answering the phone or anything, let it go to voicemail. Let them see how much work you do and what it's like if you're gone. Because if they keep it up eventually it is going to take a worse toll on your health and you won't be around to be everyone's savior.
Sorry but your family sounds like a bunch of douchcanoes. If they won't go for the peaceful cooperative approach it's time for you to draw some blood.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 30, 2014 8:39:30 GMT -5
Or go to training somewhere for work overnight.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 30, 2014 14:04:00 GMT -5
You've got family, go see them.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 30, 2014 14:42:27 GMT -5
Why? Because no one wants to take responsibility. They didn't want to be engaged by cooperating to come up with a solution. They just wanted me to tell them the new plan. Problem is - I tell them a new plan, someone doesn't agree with the new plan so we have a fight to get that one or two to cooperate going forward. I'm done with doing things that way. I'm done being the only responsible one in the family. To top it off- half the group thought having a meeting was one big joke. I told all of them upfront that I needed help, that I'm struggling between work and home. And they treated it like a joke. Me needing help was a joke to them. I'm there whenever they need help and me asking for help for a change is something to mock. I blew up. It wasn't pretty. I don't know when we'll have another opportunity to have a family meeting. Sunday morning? Maybe? That is beyond reproach for me personally I am very upset for you. And I am disgusted that your DH, one you have literally carried for the last few years, is right there with your kids !!!! Do you see that its a matter of respect? Since your DH does not respect your needs, your kids do not either. Time to take out the big guns. I would have gone on an indefinite strike, had it been me. If you cannot respect me and my needs as a person, then I AM DONE!! I'll only cater to myself, since you all obviously only cater to yourself. I am NOT anyone's personal maid. I am NOT just a shoulder to carry the burden. I am NOT available only when you need me. I am my own person. A flesh and blood person with physical and emotional needs. You cannot treat me like a robot and expect me to not complain. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. You go KaraBoo. Right now is the time to make yourself whole. Screw the rest of them.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 31, 2014 1:13:29 GMT -5
Kara--I haven't exactly followed everything that has gone down recently. I certainly hope that your dh was not part of the family who treated your feelings like a joke. I know there are a lot of struggles with the kids but teenagers can say and do some really awful things that are about them and not you. I'm hoping for all the best for you, and I think you absolutely need to stop doing anything for others that you do not want to do. I personally would try not to look at it as a strike, but as a retreat for some much needed recharging.
On the bankruptcy front I will tell you that the day I admitted defeat and told dh that there was no way I could fix it anymore was when he finally got the wake up call. Everything prior to that was me doing what I had always done.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 1, 2014 17:28:30 GMT -5
Hi Guys, Been busy the last several days. Wanted to update you though. In the style of "The Most Interesting Man in the World": I don't often blow up, but when I do, it is epic and people take notice. Attempted to have the first family meeting on Wednesday night - as previously stated, that was a disaster. It wasn't all bad though - it got everyone's attention and let them know that I was serious. It wrecked me emotionally though. I tried to go to work on Thursday, but couldn't stop crying from the moment I woke up, so called in. Slept most of the day and ignored the family the rest of the day. Had a serious talk with DH late Thursday night and let him know exactly what I was feeling and thinking. DH did tell me that LaLa stepped up Wednesday night and cleaned the kitchen up without him saying anything to her. Felt better on Friday and went to work. Talked to my boss a little about what was going on - and broke down crying again. She gave me the option of going home to rest/recharge without anyone around and have some alone time to myself. Work wise, I can't afford to miss - I'm behind as it is, but both of us realized that I wouldn't get anything of substance done, so I took her up on the offer and left. I have plenty of vacation time, so I'm not worried about having a small paycheck from missing work. LaLa's graduation party was scheduled on Saturday, so I spent Friday evening at my parent's house getting ready for the party - still ignoring the immediate family for the most part. Was up early on Saturday to finish getting the party ready (at my parent's house - they have a pool), so was gone and continued ignoring everyone until the party started at 1pm. Left DH to handle the kids and house. The party was a huge success (pictures to follow). -continued-
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 1, 2014 17:49:30 GMT -5
-continued-
Everyone was home this morning, so DH called another family meeting and let the kids know that I had something to say.
Told them how upset I was that I had set each of them down individually, told them all that I was struggling, asked them to be thinking about how to help, and when we finally sat down as a family, the overall attitude was one of indifference, mocking and frustration. Reminded them that I am here for them whenever they need something and for them to display that type of attitude when I ask for help in return is slap in the face. I told them I would not be apologizing for my behavior because I had nothing to apologize for, but they needed to think about their own behavior.
DH and I then asked if they had thought about the chores. They hadn't but said they were so used to us telling them what to do that they weren't sure where to start. So we discussed the options - 1) they agree to a chore schedule or 2) DH and I tell them what to do. They wanted to decide and agree, so we discussed the options. They came to an agreement on chores, schedule and duration - including consequences of what happens if someone does not carry their weight.
Even before talking to them this morning, I had received individual apologies and thank you's for the work I do for everyone from each kid and DH.
Rayoflyte commented that kids are usually self-absorbed and I know that to be true with my kids. They just do not realize how much a parent does for them.
Things aren't great, but they'll be (hopefully) getting better soon. We'll see if the change in household duties make any difference going forward.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 1, 2014 17:52:20 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 1, 2014 18:48:41 GMT -5
Super news!! Now don't let DH slide by dumping everything on the kids. He needs to see a doctor and take some responsibility as well. FINALLY! Kara, I'm so proud of you I could just burst!!
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jun 1, 2014 19:06:05 GMT -5
YaY!! You finally put your foot down and laid down the law for the Karaboo household. Good luck moving forward.
Lovely family pic - and it looks like everyone had a blast with the paints and decorating their white T-Shirts!
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 1, 2014 19:29:29 GMT -5
Love the paint thingie! That's cute and looks like it was fun to make. Lala looks pretty happy with it all. Hopefully, with you having spoken up for yourself, Karaboo, the family will rally round and change their ways. You'll just have to be very alert for backsliding (it ALWAYS happens) and nip it in the bud. Sometimes, a hissy fit isn't a bad idea.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 1, 2014 19:44:17 GMT -5
Yay for the Karaboos! Sometimes, putting one foot down isn't enough. You have to use both feet...and an iron fist as well.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 1, 2014 19:45:56 GMT -5
Fantastic now go forward and conquer Karaboo.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 1, 2014 20:27:46 GMT -5
Good news all around! And a very nice looking family
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 1, 2014 20:47:01 GMT -5
Good news all around! And a very nice looking family Yeah that!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 1, 2014 20:49:13 GMT -5
Thanks guys!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 2, 2014 7:47:45 GMT -5
Good news all around! And a very nice looking family
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 3, 2014 14:13:08 GMT -5
We haven't forgotten you.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jun 3, 2014 14:24:25 GMT -5
No, we haven't forgotten you! I'm really grateful for all the updates you've posted - good and bad. Shows your strength and bravery and we can ALL learn from it! Please do continue to keep us posted.
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