Sharon
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Post by Sharon on May 9, 2014 19:34:32 GMT -5
She looks beautiful and I hope she has a wonderfully fun time at her prom.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 9, 2014 20:03:16 GMT -5
She looks beautiful and I hope she has a wonderfully fun time at her prom. Yeah that!
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 9, 2014 20:11:19 GMT -5
LaLa looks gorgeous, and she looks happy. I hope she has a wonderful time.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 9, 2014 20:17:00 GMT -5
She looks very happy.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 9, 2014 20:48:10 GMT -5
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 15, 2014 12:18:37 GMT -5
Well, we need updates! And you can tell I have littler kids because my first thought was "oh, it's an Elsa dress!)
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 15, 2014 12:48:54 GMT -5
OMG, LaLa looks La-Marvelous!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 15, 2014 21:28:42 GMT -5
Well, we need updates! And you can tell I have littler kids because my first thought was "oh, it's an Elsa dress!) I forgot to post an update!! Sorry about that! She was beautiful and I've seen a lot of pictures of her and friends - they were all very pretty and they looked like they had a blast! She especially had fun - at the "after-party", there were prize drawings for the seniors - things associated with going off to college: mini frigs, I-pods, laptops and other items. She won a laptop!! -faint-Granted it's a no-name brand, but it's free!! She's turned to planning her graduation party and the multiple parties we've been invited to (I've got 3 cousins alone who are graduating this year). Our schedules are HECTIC!!!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 15, 2014 22:02:01 GMT -5
Speaking of our life being hectic....
I'm back to being in a funk. I don't want to do anything. I'm barely living it feels like.
It seems like I'm starting to get my life together at work - but at home, everything is falling apart. I haven't been grocery shopping in 3 weeks. We've eaten out way more than we should. I haven't paid bills in 2 weeks (talking to DH about him taking over). It's really bad right now.
I'm still in counseling - I had an appointment scheduled for tomorrow, but had to cancel it because of a work class that's been scheduled for 3 months. I'll find out the new appointment soon.
Anyway - just trying to get through life....
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 16, 2014 5:01:49 GMT -5
((((((Hugs))))) Just take one day at a time. (((((((Hugs))))))))
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 16, 2014 7:43:01 GMT -5
Stick with the counseling Karaboo.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 7:52:45 GMT -5
Kara, you MUST pay the bills otherwise bad choices can be made. I'm sorry for the funk but someone else can grocery shop with your list, period. Don't lose sight of the goals now.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 16, 2014 8:43:52 GMT -5
Kara, you MUST pay the bills otherwise bad choices can be made. I'm sorry for the funk but someone else can grocery shop with your list, period. Don't lose sight of the goals now. You can prioritize your priorities, too. Not everything important has to be done immediately. I'd organize by consequences. Not paying the bills means finance charges, which cost money. Not grocery shopping means you spend too much eating out. Get those done, and then deal with everything else. Let DH handle something for you. It's OK to remove the Superwoman cape every now and then.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 9:40:29 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 9:42:34 GMT -5
I get it about "funk." I'm going through it right now because the last two weeks have been hell with DF and his health. My appetite is nil and I'm tired but can't sleep and my head is killing me! Tension headache for sure. It WILL pass but I need to keep on going and so do you.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 17, 2014 11:53:17 GMT -5
Didn't you say you were on meds for depression? If so, you might want to contact your doctor about this. Your meds might need to be adjusted.
i suspect depression is a lot like pain, you really don't want it to go on too long, or it takes longer to get under control.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 17, 2014 12:44:58 GMT -5
No, doctor gave me Xanax for the flight because I am a TERRIBLE flier and this is a horrid long flight with lots of stress in between plane changes. I haven't taken any yet. I'm kinda scared to.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 13:43:13 GMT -5
Are the work chores split so you and DH contribute effort close to equally?
You are avoiding the bill paying because you know that by eating out there won't be enough left to pay everything, so it will upset you. On this one you just need to power through. I would put a set amount of $s on autopay every month to each utility (maybe your budget amount) so it goes out of the account on payday through the bank's bill payer service. If you need to set it to go out of the account every 2 weeks, then you could do that too.
It strikes me that if you have money in the account, you or DH sees it as available for use. The only way to combat that is direct pay that is timed to occur on paydays.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2014 15:08:01 GMT -5
- Pay the bills or get your husband to pay them... You cannot afford anymore late fees
- get the kids and hubby to go grocery shopping; just give them a list.
- as the kids are "older" have them help out around the house more: laundry, ironing, cleaning, etc.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 23, 2014 20:52:45 GMT -5
I've begged DH to take over the bills for months now. He says he will, then doesn't do anything.
Part of this is my fault - I'm too much of a type-A personality - he's ADHD and can't concentrate on anything for longer than 5 minutes. So, I took over paying the bills years ago.
The problem is - over time, I've taken over EVERYTHING it seems like. There are some things that I've refused to handle. But the result is those things don't get done because DH doesn't bother to think about them either. My house is a disaster, plain and simple.
I've talked to DH about filing bankruptcy at this point. It's going to take us years to dig out at our current pace anyway - why not stop the interest and fees now while we can? He says he'd feel like a failure doing that. I get that - I really do. But I also asked him if part of the reason he didn't want to file is because filing would "guarantee" the fact that we wouldn't be in a position of getting another boat for at least 7 years - he had no response to that. Normally, I'd take that as a yes, but this particular conversation, I don't think so - I think he's just as overwhelmed with what we owe as I am....he just doesn't know what/where to start.
I'm on meds for depression and I've thought about going back to the doctor to talk about if they need adjusting or not - just haven't done it yet.
I realize we have 4 kids - but some of that is also tricky because I'm the step - all of the work, none of the respect or appreciation. Mostly they're good kids, but you have to pick your battles as well - you know? DH doesn't really parent them....at least, not the same way I do....and it sometimes causes problems as well. They don't respect him and it shows in a lot of areas. I've talked to him (and their mom as well) and I'm the one that is told I expect too much from them (the kids). Sorry - but I can't expect less - that's not in my nature. I hold them to the same standards I would if I had given birth to them. Friends that know us tell me that the kids would be lost if I wasn't in their lives because their parents aren't giving them what I'm giving them. That's great to hear, but doesn't help my stress.
It's not all bad - we're just in the hardest part of parenting/life right now. I think I understand why so many people go through "mid-life crisis". The kids are spreading their wings, rebelling against the parent, trying to figure out life and pushing the parent(s) away. By this point, most people have been in a steady job for a while and it's either ho-hum or stressful beyond belief. The thousands of daily to-dos; laundry, dishes, vehicle maintenance, bills, yard maintenance, house maintenance, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, grocery shopping, and on and on and on; are piling up and causing ruts. At the same time, the kids are older, in more activities, dating, working, and graduating and trying to be young adults and need their parents even more without asking for help. And then - the parents' parents may be getting older and also need help (thankfully I don't have this - thank goodness for small favors!).
And the person stuck in the middle, being pulled in a thousand different directions, is trying to keep up with it all, while having standards and is unable to keep it up. They may look to the left or right - sees the dead-beats around them and wonder - why do I have to be the schmuck? Why can't I be carefree and living life on easy street?
I'm ready to run away from it all. But as my coworker said - "you won't do that - you're too responsible - everyone looks to you to hold them together."
Perfect.....who's going to hold me together....because I'm slowly falling apart...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 23, 2014 21:00:12 GMT -5
You need to have a family sit down and say exactly what you have said to us. Except for bill paying to anyone else, no way. Everyone can do one extra thing they haven't been doing. 4 kids? One can grocery shop from your list. One can clean bathrooms and kitchen. The other can dust and vacuum. The other can do laundry. Husband isn't sitting in cement, either. You need a break. Maybe you do have to declare bankruptcy. But you don't have to have a. Nervous breakdown and you are close to the breaking point and have been.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 23, 2014 21:01:13 GMT -5
Husband can clean up after dinner and even prepare dinner sometimes while you just go for a walk.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 23, 2014 21:01:48 GMT -5
I've been there being the only one to hold things together, and I was broken for a while. It does get better. Make the call to the doctor and have them increase your dose or change meds. I was on anti-depression drugs for a around six months to a year. It was hard for me to need them, but I did, and it helped a lot.
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justme
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Post by justme on May 23, 2014 21:05:26 GMT -5
1) I'd put everything you can on auto pay. Anything that you need to pay but is the same amount, do that. Even if you're putting it a day or two late to make it work with paychecks.
2) I'd have a come to Jesus talk with DH. With everything going on with you you cannot deal with the stress of everything, and if he doesn't want to file yet then he needs to take on the stress of responsibility of paying everything. At the very least I would get him to agree to a consult with either a financial planner or bankruptcy attorney. There's ones for free but I can't remember the site right now.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 23, 2014 21:05:43 GMT -5
Kara, you're beating yourself to a pulp, hon. I don't care who you are, you cannot be all things to all people. It's not going to happen. Your DH isn't stepping up and the kids aren't stepping up. The fault isn't all yours, darlin'. There are 5 other people involved here and they need to start picking up their share of the load and carrying the damned thing! It's not about asking DH to do something. It's about telling him he WILL do something or he'll find himself living by himself in a cave somewhere - and meaning it! You can't sacrifice your mental health so other people can sit around doing nothing! It's just not acceptable and everyone in that house needs to understand it's not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Your family didn't get into this mess because of just one of you, did it? Hell, no it didn't! Now, it's time for the rest of the contributors to the mess to start contributing to cleaning it the hell up!
/rant
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2014 8:48:44 GMT -5
I've been there being the only one to hold things together, and I was broken for a while. It does get better. Make the call to the doctor and have them increase your dose or change meds. I was on anti-depression drugs for a around six months to a year. It was hard for me to need them, but I did, and it helped a lot. I know what it's like to try to hold everything together for yourself and the ones you love. Like apple, I ended up broken. I looked normal and acted halfway normal I guess, but Pink had left the building. I was just a shell. I've heard people say that stress can kill you. I'm a firm believer now. I had lived with extreme stress for 5 years before I filed for bankruptcy and I believe it had gotten to the point where the stress was going to kill me slowly. Experts say that it's not just your mental health that suffers from stress, constant long-term stress impairs your body's ability to function well. I believe it, because it happened to me. You have a husband and he's suppose to be your partner. You're not suppose to be trying to handle everything by yourself, especially when it's too much for you. If you have to do everything by yourself and lose Karaboo in the process, you might as well be single. He needs to be willing to help get some of that weight off your shoulders. Your kids are old enough to help out around the house. It's not evil to require that they help with the upkeep of the home they live in. The ones that are licensed drivers can help by running errands for you, including grocery shopping with a list or your husband can do it. You're working very hard to be a good wife and a good mother, but you are not Superwoman. You have to take care of Karaboo too. Delegate what you can to other members of the household and do what you have to do to have some peace. Somebody told me a few years ago that people are going to do what they want and if you're constantly giving and doing, they're going to keep accepting and letting you do. It's up to you to determine your limits so you don't give until you have nothing left, not even for yourself. Everybody else is living their lives and doing what benefits them, why do you have to be the exception? You don't. We were talking about chldren and family at the time. This woman is not even close to being one of my favorite people in the world right now, but I still remember those words and give her credit for speaking the truth. Take care of yourself Karaboo!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 26, 2014 22:22:50 GMT -5
I appreciate everyone's thoughts, hugs and suggestions. I talked with DH - we're going to change things up going forward. Just the talk of things changing has given me a lift. I talked with all of the kids separately as well - to give them a one-on-one conversation where they can understand what I'm saying without all of the distractions of a "family meeting". I told all of them that things have to change - that I'm too stressed between work and home and that I'm ready to run away from it all and it's not fair to them. At the same time, them expecting me to handle everything is not fair to me. So - in a couple of days, when all of our schedules align (probably this Wednesday will be the earliest this happens - we're BUSY!), we're going to have a serious family meeting about how to change the chores up. I've talked to them already so they can hear my suggestions and so they can think of their own suggestions as well. The biggest change/suggestion I have made is for the kids to start cooking dinner. We tried this a few months ago and it wasn't very successful at that point. School will be out in a week and based on history for us, summer is the perfect time to make major changes in the family. We did this several years ago with the laundry and had the kids start being responsible for their own cloths. Laundry has been a success for the most part, so I'm hoping cooking will eventually be as well. The idea is for the kids to make dinner and DH and I will be responsible for the clean-up afterwards. What has happened in the past is I get home from work at 5:30pm (or later) and by the time dinner is ready, it's 7pm or later. After eating, it's then a fight to get the kids to clean up, finish homework and get ready for bed at a decent time. By switching the responsibilities, hopefully the kids will have dinner ready by 6pm, DH and I have time to rest before eating (even just 15 minutes helps!), can clean up without fighting with the kids (or them fighting with each other) and everyone will have a more peaceful evening all around. Anyway - I'm still around, still trying to stay on-top of things and still keeping the faith that everything will be okay. Thank you for sticking with me through all of this!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 26, 2014 22:26:30 GMT -5
On a lighter, happier note - LaLa has graduated! I'm so proud of her!! I'm very happy to say at least one of the 4 kids has successfully entered adulthood - yay! She's working over 20 hours this week and will be working even more going forward. She's also talking about taking on a second job and also going to the local community college to get her basics started.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 26, 2014 22:55:34 GMT -5
I've begged DH to take over the bills for months now. He says he will, then doesn't do anything. Part of this is my fault - I'm too much of a type-A personality - he's ADHD and can't concentrate on anything for longer than 5 minutes. So, I took over paying the bills years ago. The problem is - over time, I've taken over EVERYTHING it seems like. There are some things that I've refused to handle. But the result is those things don't get done because DH doesn't bother to think about them either. My house is a disaster, plain and simple. I've talked to DH about filing bankruptcy at this point. It's going to take us years to dig out at our current pace anyway - why not stop the interest and fees now while we can? He says he'd feel like a failure doing that. I get that - I really do. But I also asked him if part of the reason he didn't want to file is because filing would "guarantee" the fact that we wouldn't be in a position of getting another boat for at least 7 years - he had no response to that. Normally, I'd take that as a yes, but this particular conversation, I don't think so - I think he's just as overwhelmed with what we owe as I am....he just doesn't know what/where to start. I'm on meds for depression and I've thought about going back to the doctor to talk about if they need adjusting or not - just haven't done it yet. I realize we have 4 kids - but some of that is also tricky because I'm the step - all of the work, none of the respect or appreciation. Mostly they're good kids, but you have to pick your battles as well - you know? DH doesn't really parent them....at least, not the same way I do....and it sometimes causes problems as well. They don't respect him and it shows in a lot of areas. I've talked to him (and their mom as well) and I'm the one that is told I expect too much from them (the kids). Sorry - but I can't expect less - that's not in my nature. I hold them to the same standards I would if I had given birth to them. Friends that know us tell me that the kids would be lost if I wasn't in their lives because their parents aren't giving them what I'm giving them. That's great to hear, but doesn't help my stress. It's not all bad - we're just in the hardest part of parenting/life right now. I think I understand why so many people go through "mid-life crisis". The kids are spreading their wings, rebelling against the parent, trying to figure out life and pushing the parent(s) away. By this point, most people have been in a steady job for a while and it's either ho-hum or stressful beyond belief. The thousands of daily to-dos; laundry, dishes, vehicle maintenance, bills, yard maintenance, house maintenance, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, grocery shopping, and on and on and on; are piling up and causing ruts. At the same time, the kids are older, in more activities, dating, working, and graduating and trying to be young adults and need their parents even more without asking for help. And then - the parents' parents may be getting older and also need help (thankfully I don't have this - thank goodness for small favors!). And the person stuck in the middle, being pulled in a thousand different directions, is trying to keep up with it all, while having standards and is unable to keep it up. They may look to the left or right - sees the dead-beats around them and wonder - why do I have to be the schmuck? Why can't I be carefree and living life on easy street? I'm ready to run away from it all. But as my coworker said - "you won't do that - you're too responsible - everyone looks to you to hold them together." Perfect.....who's going to hold me together....because I'm slowly falling apart... While I feel your pain, I call BS on using the ADHD on the fact that he's not pulling his weight (either financially, working around the house/chipping in, or being emotionally supportive.
My grown nephew has ADHD (was diagnosed as a young child). He's a successful welder today (working on his Master Welder Certification). He works on high rise & office tower construction (he's one of those guys you see way up 30 or 40 storeys welding the girders & beams in place.
He's not "book-smart", but if you DH does in fact have ADHD, and has been diagnosed, it's not like he can't make a decent living making a good salary doing something he's truly good at - AND pitch-in around the house doing maintenance, cleaning, gardening, etc.
You don't need to carry this whole load on your shoulders, while he shirks responsibility by using his "disabiliy" as an excuse.
(I won't even get into the boat issue - his "toys" are what got you into this financial bind in the first place - he was too busy buying & playing with his expensive toys every weekend, leaving you home to "carry the load", instead of being a responsible husband, father and provider.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 26, 2014 23:17:03 GMT -5
He's not "officially" diagnosed. I'm the one saying he's ADHD based on living with him for over 10 years. He refuses to talk to a doctor about it because "I've been this way for over 40 years and have gotten along just fine, why should I do anything differently?"
I'm serious about him not being able to concentrate - he's constantly having to redirect his thoughts back to the project at hand. I'm positive that it has affected him in his career as well, but he doesn't want to face the issues.
The kids all recognize it as well - "Dad was distracted by shiny objects" is a common phrase in our house.
What should be an easy project, takes him all day. One time I asked him to clean the ceiling fans in our house (requiring the ladder). We have 4 ceiling fans - it took him 5 hours to complete the project. Why? Because, while he was in each room, he decided the vents needed to be cleaned as well. Which required tools - that he couldn't find. Which resulted in him cleaning up the shed for an hour. Came back to the vents, ended up breaking the vent in the bathroom (which, we have no ceiling fan there - he noticed the vent when he went to the bathroom). Spent the next 45 minutes researching replacement vents on the internet and ordering a new one. Oh....and the ceiling fans were out of balance - so that had to be corrected which required finding different tools. While I appreciated the extra work he did - I really needed the ceiling fans cleaned and for him to help out with other projects that day - which didn't happen because he spent all his time on the fans.
DH constantly has to be doing more than one thing - he cannot just sit and watch TV - he has to also be on the computer, or playing a hand held game, or stripping wire, or any number of other things. He cannot hold a conversation for longer than 5 minutes without changing the subject to whatever thought goes through his mind.
It's frustrating to say the least....
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