Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2013 9:43:42 GMT -5
I wish my parents and my inlaws would get some more grandkids. Our two kids are the only grandkids on both sides of the family. I have more plastic shit from China and more stuffed animals in my house than I ever thought possible. I need them to share the love.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 19, 2013 9:55:38 GMT -5
"Great, toys for you to play with at Grandma's house!" at every most gift openings. And follow though with it.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Jun 19, 2013 11:35:01 GMT -5
Currently my in laws are giving everyone, each child and each grandchild the exact same amount for birthdays and Christmas, in cash. Shopping for everyone got to be too hard. To be fair I don't know what the great grandkids are getting. The are the only little ones now.
Neither my parents or in laws contributed to our kids college. Currently in laws have loaned DS money for grad school.
My parent's will was interesting.
They left 1/5 to each of the 4 children and the last 1/5 was to be divided evenly among all the grandchildren, no matter how many their were. I think they did this because some of the grandkids were estranged from their own parents.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 19, 2013 12:04:12 GMT -5
DFs will is very interesting. He has divided things up three ways. His two former step children that he raised and his bio kid. But he is discussing with the EX him changing his to leave that to the grandkids and bypassing the kids entirely. Hers leaves it to the kids and he thinks that it would be better to to divide it up between the kids and grandkids. He feels he will die before she does and that gives the grandkids more money for college than even the college funds he has left for them. For the one family with the bad marriage, that'll be the only way those kids get to college. The others can provide for their own children but fair is fair.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 19, 2013 12:10:04 GMT -5
If my parents divvy up their fortune based on needs, I may do okay. They think we are broke because we didn't move to the suburbs and buy a huge house. And I still go to work - so we must really be suffering.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 19, 2013 12:12:17 GMT -5
None of my grandparents had a pot to piss in. Paternal grandfather died in a nursing home on Medicaid.
My parents have already divvied everything up. It all goes to me!!! me!!! me!!!! But I'll be nice and share with my sibs. They just did it for convenience.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 19, 2013 12:41:31 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2013 17:52:14 GMT -5
Nice post, Rukh. My kids have never perceived unfairness, even with differences. My married kids haven't perceived it either.
I paid my son's AAA bill because the car he just bought wouldn't work, and they had to wait until the first of the month. Nah. It turned out it was still under the 30-day warranty (for used cars), and it wouldn't have been if they had waited.
I just contributed to my SIL's political campaign. My son isn't running for anything. I won't be writing my son's family a $250 check.
It is all about perceived unfairness, and I don't think my kids will ever buy into that. They know that I love them equally and their kids as well. I can picture a conversation in the distant future that does something like, "Well, Grandmother Susana was able to give Billy Bob $5000 because he was the first grandchild. And then all of the rest of you came tumbling along."
It's not one or two or three grandchildren being "singled" out. I funded one before he had seven brothers/cousins. The rest are all being treated equally.
But it will probably never come to that. However, you can't really redistribute a 529. You can choose not to spend from it and pass it on down the line, but I can't now take money from the oldest and redistribute it. They don't work that way.
I actually looked at that because what I think what I am going to do (flame retardant suit on) is give each of my children's oldest kids $5000. The rest get $1000. The parents can then do the redistribution based on their kids' needs, financial aid, etc. I don't have to be in the picture at all.
That seems the "fairest" solution to me given my limited resources and unlimited potential for grandchildren.
I'm not the least bit worried about the grandkids feeling loved differently. They all get awesome Christmas/birthday presents (in addition to the two times a year contribution to the 529). I try to spend equal time with them. Maybe (but I doubt it), my kids might feel one was preferred. So that's why I will pass the redistribution of non-wealth onto them.
Does that work for you guys? I don't care if it doesn't, though. That is the best I can do.
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doxieluvr
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Post by doxieluvr on Jun 19, 2013 18:21:49 GMT -5
One more stab at my DH's heart. This is the issue really. The kids do not realize but dh lived with being treated like a second class citizen and now his family treats his kids the same way. For me it is difficult, because I have a great family, hate the way he is treated and would just disown his family, but he has this hope it will one day change.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Jun 19, 2013 18:41:14 GMT -5
There was great disparity between my DH, his middle brother, and the chosen one older brother regarding the way they were treated.
The chosen one could do no wrong, his children received whatever they wanted. Older brother was never aware (or cared I think) that his 2 younger brothers were not treated well.
The middle brother tried until the dying breath of his parents to attempt to get them to love him. Time and time again, he and his wife tried, only to get a 2x4 across the forehead, once again disappointed.
My Dh and I took an easier way out. We simply had no contact with his parents for over 30 years. Example: for our sons first birthday, Grandma sent him a yard of material with a note that said "tell your Mother to make you something".
It took the death of the old witch in 1999 (she was the cause of all problems) for DH to attempt to repair the damage done. Those last years of his Dads life we both had a nice relationship, but those scars are there nonetheless. And we have a great relationship with his older brother and SIL.
I wouldn't do what Susana is doing, I'd even it out. Each grandchild gets the same thing. To each their own, Susana has chosen what she is going to do, and she will live with the consequences whether they turn out well or badly.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2013 18:43:56 GMT -5
Doxie, sweetie, you refuse to go visit your in-laws. How are they supposed to attach to your son (and hopefully your daughter), if they never see them?
Absentee grandparents may try, but it will always be perceived differently if one set of grandchildren are around 24/7 and one set visits for a week every two or three years.
Grandparenting isn't about checks, presents, or 529s. If you want his parents to treat your kids the same as their other grandkids, you need to make sure they visit at least once a year or more if you can afford it.
Otherwise, there is one set of grandkids they are close to, and another set they send checks to. Guess which ones they feel closer to and why.
Your DH hopes they will "change" because they are his family, but it is probably you that needs to change. Make sure that his family has LOTS of opportunities to visit with his kids. Skype, Facebook, email, phone calls . . . all of these are possibilities in helping the kids stay connected.
Old people aren't as technologically savvy as you are. Make the extra effort for your kids and DH.
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doxieluvr
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Post by doxieluvr on Jun 19, 2013 19:22:43 GMT -5
Susana, I only refuse to go stay with them because they live in deplorable conditions. We can go and stay at a hotel. Dh would rather he just go.
i invite them to come stay with us but they refuse to come. My kids really do not know them or that they are treated different. Dh is the one they hurt. But they did the same when he was growing up.
Old...that's funny. First of all my parents are old and they are technologically savvy. My mom felt it was important as an educator to move along with the times and stay current with technology.
Dh's father is only 15 years older than I am. His parents are in their mid to late 40's. is that now old? They do Facebook and dh attempts to call them regularly. The parents often go visit the son 6-7 hours away, but our house is too far (8-9 hour drive). Of course unless the son is here with his wife's family for Christmas, the inlaws will come stay with us and spend all the time with brother and his family.
For the record, I do like the brother and his wife. I enjoy seeing them when they visit. I gave up trying to have any relationship with the inlaws. They hate me. The kids and dh are welcome to try, but the inlaws are just not forthcoming with affection.
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doxieluvr
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Post by doxieluvr on Jun 19, 2013 19:31:00 GMT -5
Great example. I have sent his mother pictures of the kids. We have heard nothing from her. Ever.
She got married this past weekend. No phone call. No invite. Dh had to see the pictures on Facebook. His mother could not even be bothered to tell him she was getting married. That is the kind of stuff I see him carrying on his shoulders.
i am just thankful he has experienced my normal family. Dh had a bad morning this week. My uncle took it upon himself to take him breakfast and try to make the day better, or at least calm dh. Having a family looking out for him is new to him. His brothers call him when they need money, my brother calls him to see how his day is going, meet for drinks or go hunting.
My uncle is the same age as his dad, so it is not an age thing. My family is uber close.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2013 19:54:14 GMT -5
Truly, Doxie, I am glad your family is helping your DH.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Jun 20, 2013 6:59:55 GMT -5
I'm not sure if my inlaws knew we would one day find out how much had been given ($$ and other things) to BIL's family. The paperwork with the 'loans' (gifts) to BIL should have been thrown away. But the bank account would have to be made known because of probate. So even if we had never known about ALL OF THE OTHER STUFF, we would have still known about the lone beneficiary (BIL.)
May I suggest that anyone who is going to gift a grandchild, child, care provider, etc... any money-please maybe write a note and tell why you decided to do this. Maybe you have a grandchild who will not go a 4 year college, but you want to leave them some money to go to a trade school. Write a note TO BE PLACED WITH YOUR WILL the reason why you decided this. You don't have to say 'John isn't smart enough to get a degree in finance and get a white collar job so I left him money to go to a trade school.' You can say 'I am leaving John $xx to go to the local community college to study HVAC-he was such a wiz bang at fixing our AC last summer when it was so hot and I know he will make a good living at this vocation'.
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Jun 20, 2013 8:34:45 GMT -5
Believe it or not (!), I actually "get" what Doxie is saying. My in-laws were like that. They weren't evil people, they were just self-centered. Not selfish, just self-absorbed (my MIL would give you the carefully pressed linen blouse off her back if you needed it because being charitable reflected well on her ego). The world revolved around them. DH got virtually no affection and lots of strictures - you "should" do this and you "should" do that. It seemed like they were never happy for him at what he accomplished, they were only happy (or upset) at how it reflected on them. She was one of those people who actually had the gall to say out loud, "but what will my friends think?" about our actions and opinions. Seriously! No amount of us "reaching out" was going to change that. So I lived with it and just tried to be as gracious as I could. And they DID have fits and starts of being financially generous to us. My family has done for DH what Doxie's has done for hers - they have "taken him in" and treated him like another kid in the family. He's told me that my family feels like a "real" one to him. FWIW, I'm doing with the grandkids what my grandparents did for us - if they saw us in person for Christmas or our birthdays, we got a gift - nothing elaborate, but usually something we wanted because my mother knew the toys and things we liked and she clued them in. They were "old world" people and showy displays of mounds of gifts were outside of both their thinking and their pocketbooks. If we didn't see them we got a card in the mail, with one dollar for each year in age (8 bucks when I turned 8, 9 bucks when I turned 9, etc). It felt "fair" to the four of us kids because we understood it. They had all passed on by the time my oldest brother reached high school, so graduations and weddings and other big events were non-issues (sadly ) in terms of "equity" of gifts.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2013 9:38:40 GMT -5
The stepmother I had from 6-16 strongly favored my sister over me. Not just in stuff but in all ways. I hate that bitch. I mean, I know hate only hurts the person who holds it... And honestly I don't think about her or my childhood enough to use such strong words probably, but when I do stop to think about it.... Uh, yeh,I hate that bitch....
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 20, 2013 12:00:58 GMT -5
My mother called me when my grandmother died and said they had found a list in G-Ma's house that had every grandkid's name and the amount she sent them for each occasion. She said there was nothing listed for my masters. My Mom wanted to know if she had sent me something or not, and if not, they would ask for the inheritance to include the amount she had given the other kids. It was a couple hundred dollars, and I had graduated years before. I told her that I don't think she sent me anything, but I really didn't want to "steal" $200 from my dead Grandmother's purse. No need to piss off the cousins for such a piddly amount. Now...if it was more...
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doxieluvr
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Post by doxieluvr on Jun 20, 2013 13:26:27 GMT -5
The stepmother I had from 6-16 strongly favored my sister over me. Not just in stuff but in all ways. I hate that bitch. I mean, I know hate only hurts the person who holds it... And honestly I don't think about her or my childhood enough to use such strong words probably, but when I do stop to think about it.... Uh, yeh,I hate that bitch.... That is probably how I would feel. Out of sight out of mind. dh however is still trying to fight for their love and affection. I don't get it. I would change my number. i bend over backwards for my family but they are there for us in return. Dh's parents only take, then generally give to the one brother. Guess who's child got a brand new ATV this week? While ours is having surgery and he probably won't even get a card. And the kicker, the brother and his wife have not worked for at least a year and supporting their grandchild as well. Yeah they are in their 30's and grandparents...
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